Wow it’s been the hottest day so far, it’s blistering hot which for Scotland is amazing! I’ve been running about like a headless chicken all day too and it’s 16.48 and I’ve only just sat down.

So where did the day start? Oh yeah good sleep and up with alarm at 7.30am.

A quick check on coronavirus news…. today focussed on the amount of jobs lost.

So my wonderful husband who’s been using the Beetle for the last few days( as they Jeep was in the garage) left me with the fuel light on so I left early for Volunteering today. The van’s still in the garage so needed to take the Beetle and make two trips, the only saving grace being the Beetle’s air con is amazing!!! Turns out that was just as well I left early as I had 14 deliveries to make today. Long way from the 3 I started off with… got to see all my usuals plus a few newbies which was lovely.

I don’t normally go to the BP garage in Beith as it’s pretty expensive but I had no choice. Drive in there, parked, go out took nozzle out and into the car when I realised that there was a big sign saying cash payments only….. so I had to carry on with very close to zero fuel!

I’d bought a new mug for one wee lady and she was so chuffed, she’d broken hers last week. She told me she loved me! Awwwwww that’s what it’s all about. ❤️ being kind and making people happy but without making yourself feel sad.

So I had to go back to base to pick up my second run and came home to get cash for the garage. The cash that had been lying out was gone. I had to do the rest of the run with my fingers crossed that I didn’t run out of fuel. I was officially a member of the zero club!

After the final delivered I drove to Kilbirnie Thames garage on fumes and was so relieved I got there! Then the aircon was up full again as I didn’t need to save fuel anymore. In fact I should go and sit out in the car now to cool down!!! We never get heat like this here. ☀️☀️☀️

So, I wasn’t sure whether to write about this or not but it’s a topic that comes up every now and then and today was one of those days. However, I know I’m on the road to healing as this is usually a difficult day for me and yet I’ve felt nothing today for the first time. What the hell is she gonna come out with, you wonder?!? Today is the day that the kids go back to school after the summer holidays (let alone after COVID-19) and everyone posts pictures of first today back at school and I could never do that. I always felt a jealousy because we never had kids.

It was just one of those things…. nothing wrong with either of us it just didn’t happen despite NHS intervention. Those years of trying really took their toll on us and I guess was another nail in the coffin carrying my mental health. I had to inject myself in the stomach of the toilets at work and then go out to the next beating for something going wrong in the factory. My body wasn’t really any place of tranquility for a wee bubba to grow….

I used to dread first day back at school as the jealousy would overwhelm me. I would remember all those months of bereavement and wonder why that happened to me. I used to avoid people who were pregnant as I couldn’t bear to see their happiness and expanding belly. I had one friend that knew this as was so amazing with her pregnancy that she talked me through how she was feeling etc on a daily basis because I asked her too and I wasn’t jealous. Lea’s wee boy Jacob started school today and just looked so cute and handsome in his uniform today. It’s apt that today should be the first year that I genuinely have no negative feelings about first day back AT ALL other than a smile at peoples photos on FB. I’m really proud that I can say that today.

These are all things that define who we are and determine who we become. For a long time now we have been very happy not having kids in our lives as we have friends with such lovely kids that we can borrow and give back. It just wasn’t meant to be for us and I can see that now. Our life is how it’s meant to be now.

So just leading on from that, this is day 11 of reduced meds and for those of you worried, Craigie is still ok, I’ve not driven him insane with stress, anxiety and floods of tears so long may this continue. Watch this space.

I have crochet tonight in all this heat so I hope we might sit out in the beer garden though it might be cooler inside the pub! I’ve booked another job for Pawsitive Solutions this afternoon too so I think I’ll squeeze in a wee nana nap before I head next door to make the next square for Craig’s blanket!

Stay safe everyone 💜❤️💜