Day 662 it’s Friday yay!! 💃🏻 and Bhruic turns 6! 🥳🎉🎊

First of all these socks make me giggle every time I put them on…..

I put them on twice this morning with DEEP DIG 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 it’s nice to have a giggle at 5am.

The Fit Body Farm was amazing today. It was a Hyrox Fitness Test.

  • 1000m run
  • 50 burpee broad jumps
  • 100 forward lunges
  • 30 hand release press ups
  • 1000m row
  • 100 wall ball target throws

So I paired up with Suzy and we only had to do half of it as one rests when the other one takes over. Craig did all of this all by himself! Sounds patronising to say I couldn’t believe it but I was so proud of him!! 🥇🏆

It’s already been said that we seem too lovey dovey these days and some husbands’ feel they should be upping the ante…. Should say that he still gets nagged at… pulled him up for not making the bed when he got out of it yesterday and he said “eh… I’ve enough brownie points right now I reckon” 😳😆

Anyway, I digress…. The fact that you’re paired during the workout means you keep going as you are spurred on by the other, at least I am anyway.

Suzy and I did it in 22 mins and 55 seconds! Was really chuffed with that time but not gonna lie, she is really good at this stuff so she definitely improved our times. 😬🤫🥳

So yeah Bhruic turns 6 today! 🐶🎉🥳🎂🎁🎈🎊 Craig got her a toy badger…..

And yes she is a girl…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 poetic dog naming license…
Wtf 😳 she says?!?
Whatcha wammee do wi this?!?!
Ang gunna get you Badger 🦡
I keel you Badga!! Ang tired now….
Wasunt me….

Life in our house. Spend money. Chew it to death, bin it… same day.

We went a big walk this morning but it was smirry rain.

The village looked atmospheric
Saw some sheeps 🐑

You know it’s funny… I always used to see myself as the black sheep of the family and that was a bad thing. I had such a low opinion of myself. No one ever suggested that I was but I felt like I was never good enough. My first marriage ended after 6 years and rather than work at it we went our separate ways. It was the only option but I felt like I was letting everyone down. I smile now when I see a black sheep as it think it’s lovely to be that wee bit different. Anyway there’s a thousand more dog pics to get through….

Hmmmm what is this treat you speak of Mumma?!?
Treat? Treat? Treat? treat?
Always sedate but inside saying gimme gimme gimme
Freya doing her best Yoda impression!!
Ees tasty Mumma
Almost done already
Um waiting till they huv theirs

Ok I’m done talking dog. 😆

I feel very different this weekend thankfully. Kinesiology has worked its magic this week again. No stress here just gym, dog walk and housework and rest.

Now sitting in Gran’s chair with Calaidh contemplating crocheting poppies… the windows are very dirty but I can ignore that rather than worry about it. Winter sun is very unforgiving on a window isn’t it?!?

My Auntie Jac sent this next one…. Wow. It brought a tear to my eye.

Strangely a part of me still grieves for the person I once was…. But she was so false. Putting on appearances….thriving on busyness…. Expecting a badge of honour for being stressed…. I am so much happier in jeans or comfies and just generally lounging around writing and taking photos. I’ve had to work hard to get to this stage.

So that’s me for today, it’s an early one, only 3pm but I’ve got a whole lot of resting to get done.

Happy weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 661 a frosty cold day!! 🥶❄️🥶❄️

I never saw the forecast so had no idea when I walked out of a toasty, cosy house today that it was FREEZING outside!! I had to scrape the windscreen as I didn’t have my screen cover on. I can only reach the bottom corners 🤣🤣🤣

If you look closely at the photo you can see the tiny bits I scraped on the windscreen. Pointless!!

As I drove to work I stopped in a lay-by to take some photos before sunrise. it was too beautiful to miss.

Icy puddles
The Wolf Moon

Then sunrise at Tartan HQ.

Really quick but busy day at work today. Time flew in.

I met our friend Jen for coffee tonight after work at Eden Garden Centre in Dundonald. Had a lovely cheesecake and coffee. Was great to catch up as it’s been far too long and she lives 5 minutes from my work!

So no exciting relations today. Just a calm but busy day, back in control of my emotions and getting on with things that need doing.

You know you’ve arrived in life when the milkman counts to the door and says wow, no jammies tonight?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 I was dressed…. Let’s get that straight!!

Just back from a couple of 0% Menabrea in the pub with the man of the hour. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

This hits me hard too

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 660 is there a best husband award?!?! 🥇🏆🤵🏻‍♂️

If there is a best husband award then he is going for it… I swear. Now this is not me boasting about having the best husband ever…. We’ve had our challenges like everyone else, being married is not easy at all. Being married through your wife having a breakdown can’t be heaps of fun… it certainly wasn’t from my perspective.

I shared a post on FB last night from the singer Sara Bareilles.

I posted on her page… something I never do but I wanted to say how amazing it was for her to admit that and get the word out that there is no stigma to taking medication for mental health issues. Her words about anxiety and depression really hit home for me. So well worded and perfectly described.

Then Craig said he wanted to say something too…. And did I mind? Not at all.

His words made me cry when I read them this morning.

Wow…….. 😯

I feel very humbled and so proud that despite our difficult journey we have got to the stage where he can say all of that. It’s very lovely to hear. ♥️

Now….. I also think he should write a blog!! I’d read it!!

I have felt so much better today than I have done for a few days. I am very tired but I am calm. The terrible anxiety, drama and fear have passed. I am in awe of the effect that Health Kinesiology has on me. It’s such a powerful tool. It’s always lovely to catch up with Shelagh!

The village pub at 5.30am under the Wolf Moon

FBF was really hard this morning. I struggled but I did it. It turns out my period has started for the first time in ooooooh….. months and months! So that maybe helps explain the low mood of the last few days. Yup still sharing as it happens to half of us and the other half could do with knowing how crazy it makes us… if they don’t already know 🤣🤣

So I ate lots of biscuits at work today. A whole lot. A customer brought in about £15 worth of chocolates and biscuits. I couldn’t stop. i felt I deserved them though 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

When I finally dragged myself away from them, I got home to find out that Craig had pressure washed the whole garden.

The slabs, the decking and the grass!!! We have artificial grass because of the dogs and it needs a good clean from time to time. It looks so lovely out there I want to go and sit in it. But I won’t…. It’s freezing!!!

And yes we have two different colours of artificial grass 🤣

The sunset was looking tropical!

I’m loving the extra hour of daylight these days.

The Crochet Hookers get together tonight for the first time in 2022. We’re going to start making poppies for Remembrance this year.

Looking forward to hooking up. 🧶 see what I did there?!?

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 659 1111 days without alcohol since January 2019 ☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️

These sober days just keep racking up. I say sober and cringe a wee bit as that implies I must have been a drunk. As many of you will know by reading my blog…. I just hated the drinking version of me.

Wonder where all this money went?!?

I’ve now surpassed my longest streak and had a total of 552 days in a row without a drop. I honestly still can’t quite believe it.

I hated the person I had become. I hated the hangovers. The morning after. The fear.

I don’t have any of that now. Just a completely clear head to face all my s*** head on. That’s always a joy to behold as my head also generates a whole lot of s*** 🤣🤣

First things first… pretty skies at Tartan HQ this morning. I try to make my photos picturesque but I don’t have much to work on down there… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

One whole extra hour of daylight since winter solstice woo hoo! Bring

My anxiety was really bad this morning before work. Stomach churning, nerve racking. I threw my arms up in the air at one question I was asked. Complete and utter despair being asked a simple question.

I’ve written out 3 full pages of A4 with the worries and thoughts that are floating round on my head. I only stopped there because I didn’t have any more time. I’m sure I could add to the list.

I’m sitting in a car park in Abbie the campervan waiting for Kinesiology. The one thing that seems to make sense to me just now. I hope Shelagh will figure out what my body is trying to tell me.

Well… wow. I will never be able to explain kinesiology but my body chose all the words from my list, that were causing me particular stress. We then went through each word to determine what the word meant to me.

To clear the stress of all of that we worked on a baby fear… something that’s been with me since birth. A fear of needing other people. This is huge for me. When I feel bad I feel like I need everyone else to fix it for me. I’m so caught up in feeling rotten just now that I need someone else to tell me what to do. Or at least I think I do.

My mind was fighting everything. Telling me that trying to fix it was a waste of time. Telling me I deserve to feel like this as I’m no use anyway.

It’s never a waste of time.

I go into Shelagh’s room tonight feeling so desperately sad. Tears not far away, anger at feeling that sad, frustration at the anxiety building back up again, not seeing a clear way out. I come back out with calm mind. A rational mind. This is a blip. I’ll get through it like I always do, it’s ok not to be ok 100% of the time.

I realise that the above reads like Swahili to most of us… 🤣🤣

Tonight I’ll do a meditation before bed as my “homework” and I will sleep like a log.

And relax……

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 658 basketball before 7am 🧺 🏀 🤣

Not many people can say that…. Well 21 folk can that were at the Fit Body Farm.

We had a great challenge this morning. One half of the team scores as many baskets as possible while the other team reaches 100m on the rowing machine, the ski-erg and 2500m on the assault bike.

There’s a great spirit to get through the metres as fast as possible so the other team score the fewer number of baskets. Who said I’m not competitive?!

The sky when I left
Strange line of light in the clouds ⛅️

I really enjoyed it. I still don’t feel the best but the anxiety has gone. I think the routine through the week helps as I can’t do anything other than the Farm and work. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Sunrise over Tartan HQ….

I spotted a CHRISTMAS TREE tonight on my way home….. I thought there was a law that said you have to have your Christmas lights down by 6th January?!?

I guess they have the right idea as lights are nice and make you smile on dark winter days.

Not much else to report from here….. ooh other than Craig made a lovely veggie curry. Super healthy and super tasty. how could I forget that. Just what I needed.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 657 a beautiful day and a wee trip to Largs ⛴🌊☀️

Well I slept the sleep of kings…. I don’t even know what that means but it sounds dramatic. 🤣🤣 I was out for the count until 9am! Was in one of those really deep sleeps you don’t ever want to wake up from. That’s a whole lot of sleep I’ve had this weekend. I’m trying not to have a nap today otherwise I’ll want one tomorrow too. 🤣🤣

I knew my head wasn’t good again. It felt better just to keep on sleeping. As least then I can try to control the chatter. It’s been incessant again all day today.

It’s a beautiful morning!

I feel really sad. The tears are never far away and honestly there is no reason that I can put my finger on. My head is calm now but it’s questioned my every waking move today.

I know that I do this to myself and no have all the tools to get me out of it yet sometimes I just really struggle to move on from it.

I drove to Largs to finally get my glasses tightened. They’ve been hanging off my nose for months!

Abbie at the famous Nardinis Ice Cream café
Largs on a cold, bright summers day
Fairly choppy
MV Catriona on loan for the Largs-Cumbrae route
Largs around the coast

Now in all the time I’ve visited Largs I have NEVER noticed this wall was a Viking ship.

One of our neighbours posted photos a while back with her kids on it!! Who knew?!?! I hunted it out today…. 🤣

St Columba’s Parish Church looking imposing next to Nardinis

I went into the pound shop to look for red wool as the Crochet Hookers are aiming to crochet poppies for Remembrance Day this year…. This bucket made me laugh.

I stopped for a Coconut Milk Latte and Vegan Breakfast in Costa Coffee. I’m not even feeling like eating meat just now either.

I guess looking back I didn’t really appreciate being in Largs. I didn’t relax like I usually do. I felt uncomfortable as if everyone was watching me. Abbie the campervan felt huge. Where would I park? (The usual place) I had my new hiking boots on… they felt huge, I questioned whether I should be driving in them…. (course I could) just a tiny wee snippet of some of the things going on in my mind.

I headed for Morrisons for a food shop. (Never been to this shop, can’t find anything, should have gone to one you know)

I tried not to buy meat and just wittered away to myself all the way round. Stupid idea trying not to eat meat. How would I get protein? What would I eat? Craig would take one look and wonder where all the real food was (he didn’t).

So I decided to head back home as I was too… nervous (?!?!?!) to drive down to Portencross Beach for some photos…..

Had a wee play with the dogs in the garden when I got back.

I decided to take Calaidh for a walk as I couldn’t cope with all 3 dogs at once. (I’m useless don’t you know…)

Sunshine over Gateside.

It’s a beautiful day today. I try to breathe in the fresh air. Appreciate the beauty.

It’s amazing the way the light changes in the winter sun. Bright with the sun behind me and dark when you take photos into the sun.

That’s the same tree as the pic before!!
Such an old tree!
Coos through the hedge
So atmospheric
Some vitamin D
Cutesie pie Calaidh
I’m sure I see something in this cloud I’m just not sure what?!? And Angel with wings maybe?! 👼🏼
Coos having a drink

I may or may not have given the pups some treats when I got home. Safe to say they were all up for it!

So that was my weekend. I’ve had a nice big rest again… but my overthinking has been out of control. I feel nervous, jittery, like I’m waiting for the worst to happen.

I have Kinesiology on Tuesday I think (I hope) so maybe get to the root cause of it all. I usually write this and have some eureka moment but not this weekend.

I’m looking forward to some exercise tomorrow morning back at FBF. I know that will help.

So yeah… Sunday night again.

So very true.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 656 housework, dog walk and a lovely cuppa ☕️ and a wee bit anxiety 😟

Awake at 7.30 this morning… almost a lie in! We’ve been watching The Handmaids Tale… Rachel tow doors down has been telling us to watch it for ages and we finally got to it! She’s right!

I’ve had bad anxiety today. I’ve felt really tearful and overwhelmed for absolutely no reason as all other than my head is lying to me.

I was about to say here that I’m sure you’re as sick of reading it as I am of writing it but that’s my head telling me I’m not good enough. This is not enough….

In an effort to calm the noise I went out with the dogs. It’s a funny day, not a breath of wind but super cloudy. Very still.

My fav trees
Here we go
Didn’t let the dogs in this fuel like as used to as they’ve been using it for sheep 🐑
The trees from behind
Arty moss dry stane dyke
All the bushes are covered in moss too

Claire came in for a cuppa late morning and she got it all….. it’s hard for me when there really is nothing bothering me other than all this noise in my head. I seem to put real pressure on myself to “perform” at weekends and I only relax when I finally let myself believe that it’s ok to rest.

She brought me these lovely flowers as she knew I wasn’t feeling full of the joys.

They’re so lovely and so lovely of her to do that 💐

It’s 2pm and I’m in bed writing this. I’ve tried to concentrate on other things, I got showered to go out then figured that the shops would be too busy so best wait until tomorrow. I went upstairs to sort through stuff to put up for sale and took some photos then decided no one would want to buy it.

Jeezo…. Will it just stop already.

I managed a good 2 hours. Me and the puppers…. We woke up just in time for Craig coming home.

Thats been me today. I feel soooooo much better after a sleep. My mind is calm.

We’ve ordered Chinese for tonight and I’m trying a veggie Satay for a change. Could be a hit or a miss but we’ll see.

A wee Scottish funny to end with…. I remember people saying this!! To be fair… they probably still do.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 655 FBF, spare room clear out, lunch in the pub then lovely nap!

FBF was amazing this morning. I was really tired. Not often do I wake up with the alarm, I’m usually awake earlier. I felt drugged and the first half of the session felt really tough.

Everyone is so friendly and it’s great to get a good bit of banter at 6am!

I always seem to find more energy towards the end of the session. Almost as if my body settles into it.

This was the view that met us when we got back… some sneaky puppies somehow got out of their bedroom while we were away.

I had to put ice on my shins when we got back. Enjoyed the ice with a lovely coffee.

I spent the morning clearing out the spare room. It’s not finished by any matter of means but I have about 5 bags for charity already.

I do find it difficult as I’m overwhelmed by stuff…. Even despite our huge clearout a few years back… I feel we have stuff everywhere and not all of it can go to charity or be sold.

As a society we create so much rubbish on a daily basis that I hate to add to it with things that just don’t have a use for anymore.

In this day and age it just feels so wrong to be throwing things out.

I kept going until about 11.30 until I needed another coffee 😬

We had lunch booked in the pub next door at 2pm…. My stomach was rumbling before we end in and it’s certainly not after that meal we had.

Chilli cheese nachos and chicken tempura
Cajun chicken salad

I was desperate to have Macaroni Cheese 🧀 but I know that the portions are huge and I still wanted to have my protein and veg 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 the best part was they brought me out a tiny ramekin of Mac n’cheese!! I scoffed the lot and then wondered why I couldn’t finish my salad 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Holly had bought me this to try….

It’s lovely! I’m so lucky that they get different alcohol free drinks for me to try. I even recommended it to a guy who came in later who was driving and he had one too. I

And then back home, electric blanket on and into bed for a few hours. My legs are sore…. I needed recuperation.

This wee face when I woke up….

Love it when her wee tongue sticks out!

So a quiet night for me in front of the tv. Might have an alcohol free gin and caffeine free Diet Coke. It makes me laugh to type that. When did life get so specific…. 😆🥳

Yet thankfully so full of peace.

Stay safe everyone ♥️🧡💜

Day 654 later than a late thing!!

Wow it’s 8.49pm and I am just home. Check me, gallivanting. She who couldn’t lift her backside off the couch last night, full of beans to meet my friend Lea for coffee tonight!

I woke at 4.45am with anxiety bubbling away. I tried every breathing exercise I could think of to stop it…. Then I picked up my phone. Not ideal but it does divert the attention. I felt like I had drunk about 4 cups of coffee.

I just got up and got lunch ready and headed into work early. Ended up not getting there very early as I faffed about leaving the house. Nothing came easily.

I could not remember the code to get into our portacabin….. which I use almost on a daily basis. I tried everything apart from THE actual code….. I had to ask one of the boys to remind me. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Work was really busy again and passed by quickly. I reckon by mid day the anxiety had passed and I settle back down but I’m not really aware of when it faded away. I felt more in control this afternoon than I have all week.

I had to come home straight after work tonight to let the dogs out and feed them as Craig was working. Then I headed up to Silverburn Shopping Centre.

Doesn’t matter how tired I am, the time passed in a flash and we’d been talking in Starbucks for over two hours!!

Had a Five cheese toastie as a treat…. Well there’s a contradiction in terms…. Not sure it has ever seen real cheese. There was a thin layer of what looked like a cheesey butter. It was rotten. The vegan brownie was deeeelicious though.

Was so great to catch up.

It’s funny as the drive there and home actually scared me a bit in the dark! I don’t drive much in the dark and that’s a long, winding road. I have these visions of someone jumping out in front of me or peaking out through the trees… active imagination or what?!?

And now I’m home…. And I sit down and realise I’ve been wearing my leggings inside out the whole time….

The best of it is the label sticking out at the back… thank god I wore a long top.

Growing older gracefully….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 653 anxiety flare without tears… that’s got to be a plus, right?!

Fit Body Farm was great this morning. It was busy too! Shot some basketball hoops, getting better at that and managed some other exercises that I’ve not been able to do before now… the side plank raising one knee towards your chest then the other. The first time I tried that a few weeks ago, I crumpled into a giggling heap on the ground!

The shower I was in flooded right around the toilet and almost out the door and this time I managed to remove the cap over the top of the plug and remove the (let’s face it… mostly my…) hair. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 Water flowed freely. Job well done!

So you can tell I’m faffing around a story. I’m super tired tonight. It’s 8.28pm and my creative juices are not flowing at all. I cancelled meeting the Crochet Hookers tonight as the minute I sat down on the couch, I felt I couldn’t move.

I think that’s Freya underneath me?!? 🤣🤣

My anxiety bubbled over this morning as if I had drunk some strong caffeine…. My head emptied and I couldn’t think straight at all. I became breathless and antsy.

Works been a challenge this week and on the grand scheme of things, for very simple reasons. I feel I have lost my control.

We moved the office around to accommodate a new desk for the new girl and I got a new laptop. Very simple things. Yet nothing I go to do has been that easy this week. Everything’s moved, new passwords for everything I try to log into, files to be moved from the old laptop and trying to determine the best training plan. All the while the day job is still needing done.

In my old life I’d have moaned the face off everyone but got on with it… now I seem to fall apart a bit more easily. Panic maybe that it’s all going to come back and spoil my good run.

That panic sentence finally brought the tears. I hit the nail on the head again. The fear that I might let everyone down by not being in control.

That’s the other reason I write this blog, to make sense of everyday things in my head.

When you suffer from anxiety you need all sorts of fail safes so you can fall back on something if your mind empties. I’ve not been able to manage these fail safe mechanisms properly as I’ve not had the same access to them.

So I was able to quietly explain to my boss that the anxiety wasn’t great, no tears, no breakdown, just the facts. Got back to my desk and got on with the list of things that need doing. By lunchtime I was back feeling more in control again.

I didn’t want to face a blog about negative chat tonight yet actually I need to take the positives from it. I now know what todays trigger was and maybe next time I’ll be able to stop it happening.

I’ve eaten a wee bit more junk than normal, comfort junk to try and make myself feel better…. 8 Quality Street are about 400 calories and they weren’t even that nice!!

There was a lovely sky outside tonight when I left… I dragged the boss man out to see it. I told him not to roll his eyes 🤣🤣

So early night for me. I’ve not moved off the couch wrapped in a blanket.

Tomorrow is another day and I will keep on going as I always do. Oooh more tears there. Big softie.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️