Day 908 a dry, sunny Sunday!

Today could have so easily gone one of two ways. I felt very shaky this morning. Hanging by a thread, trying to keep it together. Trying to be normal, trying to focus on the positives. Trying to be grateful for all that I have. Craig says I should tell him when I feel bad but I didn’t own up to it today (like he can’t guess 😳😬) and I find it makes things a bit better for us both if I can find the strength to turn it around.

I feel like the minute I have a good day something comes along and whaps me between the eyes. Just when you think you’ve got it all together the universe will shows me that it’s not done with me yet.

I woke up yesterday morning full of the joys of autumn (ok I know that’s not quite the saying) … took the dogs out and got into an altercation with a dog that ran up to us not on a lead. None of it my fault but hey, you know me, adrenaline had me buzzing for about 20 minutes after it…. Almost in tears, shaking…..

Come home and try to relax. Then find out we have some other financial commitment over the next few months that we weren’t expecting. COME ON, GIMME (us) A BREAK!

I had a relaxing and thoughtful afternoon, trying to be present in the moment as worrying doesn’t change anything. I watched Meet Joe Black on Netflix and I howled!!!!! Proper sobbed…… it wasn’t just about Meet Joe Black. That film pandered to my “life is short, live it to the max” fear….. maybe not the best choice.

At least I slept well. Almost 10 hours.

So back to this morning, I’m shaky. The whole day stretches in front of me with no plans. A dream for so many of us, yet fraught with danger for me. What to do for the best. I need to rest but I need to not be bored and I need to get “stuff” done.

I start to potter after my bacon roll. I clean things that haven’t been cleaned for a while and it feels good. It helps clear my head. The porcelain white kitchen sink is gleaming.

It’s actually a really nice day outside. We open the windows, I sit and have a coffee, feel that wobble come back, get back up and get on with some more cleaning. I start throwing stuff out that we no longer use. It feels good.

Craig’s been down in the big shed most of the day clearing it out so we’ve both made the best of the day.

I have actually recorded my mood, for the last few days, in the Balance menopause app. One of my lovely friends recommended I start recording it just to see if there’s any pattern to it. Watch this space.

Check this pair…. The two headed dog!

I sat outside and crocheted at one point and despite being Scotland on the 2nd October, it was actually very warm.

I’ve joined the first row of my new blanket and I’m really pleased with it. It’s a new stitch (for me) that raises the join between the colours. It makes me smile as it starts to come together.

So yeah, a good day but I definitely had to work at it. I could so easily have slipped into self pity and wallow mode.

Craig made a lasagne yesterday and it’s honestly the best one he’s ever made. We’re having that for dinner again tonight. It’s in the oven just now and my mouth is watering.

These are difficult times for us all just now. It’s hard not to look at others and compare. At least tomorrow, I know I head to a job without aggression, without management by fear and I haven’t spent all weekend dreading it. That’s something to be very grateful for.

So I hope you all have a great week ahead. Just take each moment as it comes. Nothing more, nothing less. Be present in the moment.

Oh and try not to cry when you least expect it. That always helps.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 907 a busy morning in the shop and a crochet afternoon!

I was awake before 6am this morning and tried to sleep but finally took the dogs out at 7am. It’s another wet and slightly windy day but I was lucky not to get totally soaked!

I love this next picture. Growing despite adversity.

There was a red sky this morning. I took a photo of this Garnock Valley painted bench, these are dotted around the valley to boost mental health.

The rain was torrential just before I left for work. Absolutely stotting down…. Bouncing back up to meet itself coming down. Thankfully it stopped before I had to leave. So lucky!

I took some photos of the inside of the little gift shop before customers came in this morning. It’s such a lovely, positive place to be. 💕

We were busy, the customers were pretty constant. Me being there let Gayle sort out the back shop in time for a big delivery on Monday, and I kept the shop going. There was a constant stream of customers so it was the best way for me to learn!

It boosted my confidence in a big way. I had to run to ask her quite a few questions but it was the best way to do it.

I met some lovely people and had some great chats. Met a lady who has crocheted the most stunning things. I had huge crochet envy!!! Her work is stunning.

It was a quick morning!

My desk on a Friday and Saturday!

I got home at half one and wheeched around the house with the hoover as Craig had Kenny from next door coming round to watch the football and he was still not home from work. The dogs are moulting and there is dog hair everywhere. I emptied the hoover 3 times!

So I spent the rest of the afternoon crocheting…. Of course I did! Practice makes perfect.

I working on joining my next blanket. That will take me some amount of time!!

Hope you all have a lovely Saturday evening!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 906 the calm after the storm ♥️

What a difference a day makes. 🙏🏼

I have had the best day. I am so grateful that my head was quiet today.

Up for the Farm at 5am and we were lucky to have the session mostly in the dry, before the rain and wind picked up. It was constant without a breather. We were burst by the end of it.

Straight home and out with the dogs… determined to do everything before the storm kicked in.

The rain has started and the wind is picking up so I run round most of the loop I take them on.

Loved this wee guy!

I came home and got into Craig’s side of the bed as he’s had his electric blanket on…. I lay there for about 15 minutes and thought I might not ever move again. It was so toasty… but of course, I had to.

I had my shower and we sat and had coffee before he went out to work. When he left I started to read a book that talks about the voices in your head. Only read the first few chapters but it hit the spot…… it encourages you to separate from the voice inside your head…. The one that just said “what voice” as you read this. 😆

Listen to the advice it tries to give you, listen to how often it changes its mind, how often it jumps from one thing to another and how it always questions your decisions…. And how it never, ever really shuts up! I doubt that’s just me….. interested to see what the next few chapters say.

So as I said. I have had the best day. 🥰

I’ve been to the little gift shop and spent FIVE hours with Gayle. I say that in capitals as I thought my Friday job was 6 hours…. 11am-4pm….. love that I’m surprised to find out it’s only 5 hours. (How on earth did I work that out to be 6 hours last week?!?)

I served a good few customers and only made one mistake on the till…. 😂 and priced up a whole load of Christmas cards.

The day passed so quickly! We couldn’t believe when it was time for me to go home after my FIVE hours…. 😆😆😆

The storm passed quickly too. The sun was back out by lunch time which seemed really strange after the deluge in the morning.

The storm in my head is gone for now. All is calm. Nowhere near tears today.

Working tomorrow too…. Check me a SIX DAY week…. Even if it’s only until 1pm! Looking forward to it already.

I know….. wonder which Julie will get out of bed tomorrow?!?

A funny to end with….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 905 the calm before the storm tomorrow but enough of a storm in my head today!

I’ve come to the sea tonight.

I am all over the place today. I burst into tears at work at 8am when I realised hadn’t ordered some parts for a van. I couldn’t stop crying…… it was not about the parts.

Sitting here now, I wonder what all the fuss is about.

There’s less noise down here than there has been in my head all day…. I couldn’t shift it.

Writing the blog has become a chore on these days. It’s as uncomfortable as hell. I am so tired of writing about the drama on the bad days and yet I need to get it out. I don’t want to write it and I can’t imagine anyone wants to listen to it.

I took a huge stick and walloped myself with it all day. The voice in my head tells me that I’m useless…. the mistake is yet another thing to prove that. How could I miss something so simple?

No one else seems bothered by it… it’ll be here tomorrow….

It’s not about the part…. I know that.

Something is shifting inside of me and I can’t drown it in wine…. I can’t go out and buy loads of stuff to try and cheer myself up. I just have to sit in the yucky stomach churning discomfort of it all and try to figure out what it all means.

Or maybe I’m so intensely reading up on everything that I actually just need to rest. I am exhausted by the frenzy in my head. I am exhausted trying to fix all the jumbled up thoughts I’m having.

I’ve been listening to an audio book called A Shift to Love, Zen Stories and Lessons by Alex Mill and there’s a chance it might just be a bit too much for might right now.

He’s spent 14 years in a Monastery mastering the art of meditation and he still has the voices in his head trying to belittle him and put him down all the time, what chance do I have cause I ain’t doing that!!!

The noise is calming right down sitting here. The sea always has this effect on me. Just sitting in nature. Nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. Just be.

Spot the birdies 😆

And just like that my day is made complete…. A yacht is sailing straight for the sunset. Wow. It’s the simple things in life.

It didn’t make the best photo as it was too close to the horizon so I took a photo way past the setting sun…

I had to zoom in instead

Its clouding over. It’s quite dramatic.

This fishing boat just passed and create a lovely light ripple.

Just spotted a seal too! Wow!

Not the best pic!

The sun has gone behind the clouds above Arran now.

The sky is a lovely colour.

The Julie that spent the day at work is a distant memory now. I can’t believe that I can let it get that bad looking back. The sheer drama of it all.

We have the remnants of the Florida storm hitting us tomorrow morning. We get nothing compared to what they have had. My heart goes out to everyone that’s been caught in it’s path.

It’s hard to imagine, sitting here just now.

Look how far the tide went out as I sat here!

I’m gonna head home now and get an early night. I’m shattered. I’m calm and that all that matters for now.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 904 my Dad’s 70th birthday! 🎉🎊🎁♥️

So yeah, my dear old Dad is 70 today! He says it will come to us fast!!

I didn’t go to the Farm this morning as I was too tired after last nights Zumba and Kinesiology, and was late in bed. While I had my lie in, I dreamt I was at my old work and trying to avoid people in the corridors that I didn’t want to see…. Where on earth did that come from!!?! Would have been as well at the Farm!

The lie in did give me a chance to send all the messages I had to send to my dad. Mum and dad are away on holiday so they won’t see anyone today so I wanted to make it a bit different.

We used a thing called Vidday to make a video montage, so Mum and I got friends and family to record a short clip and for £7 Vidday add music to it and make it look professional. It’s a really lovely way to say happy birthday to someone you can’t see on their big day.

We FaceTimed after work and they’ve had s lovely day.

I’ve had a thumping headache, which has eased a bit now I’m home. I’ve been so ditsy again today but actually got through my list at work so can’t complain, even if I did drop almost everything I touched today. 😆 I’m off to crochet shortly then I’ll have a nice early night in the hope I can recharge.

We’ll celebrate with Dad when they’re back from holiday!

Huge happy birthday Dad!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 903 just one of those days….. 🤯😴

I was such a dither before I left for work today. I just couldn’t string a single thought together…. I’d slept really well but it took me so long to get out the door. I couldn’t think straight at all. I kept forgetting things and walked from room to room until I was finally ready to leave.

This pic summed it up early on.

Smoothie prep!! (Donna don’t try this one!)

I got stuck behind a bus on the way to work, it stopped in front of me twice. I remember thinking how strange that was…. I’ve never seen a bus stop on this road before.

I glanced at the clock….

No wonder!!!! I was two minutes late… and other than the bus I had no clue.

Except I tell everyone…. 😬

My head was thumping and has been for most of the day. I’ve had lots of water. Even a salad for lunch (not to mention the cheese toastie thrown in to the mix!)

I am craving sugar, desperate for energy.

Somehow the tin of coffee jumped down onto the floor and spilled just after 8am in the office…. On the plus side I had reason to hoover. I honestly was nowhere near it when it fell. Boss says the porta cabin is haunted and he didn’t want to tell me…. Bring it on poltergeist. I’m ready. 🥊🥊🥊🥊

I went out into the van at lunchtime and had a 7 minute nap. Eyes shut, alarm set and I felt so much better for it.

I had wanted to do a 10 minute meditation like I did at lunchtime yesterday but I couldn’t get signal.

Of course I never slept but I approached the afternoon differently. I set my mind to getting through work and getting it done rather than thinking about how tired I felt!

I have a busy evening. I have this new exercise class in the village hall at 6.45pm (incidentally I had to type exercise about 5 times to get the spelling right…. 🤯) then I have kinesiology at 7.45pm. I have to wheech across the road and upstairs to be ready. I have an hour before the class so I could just take a wee nap just now.

I thought to myself today. I am so tired of being me. What an awful thing for anyone to say. I do feel like I make everything such hard work all the time. I just want a day of sweetness and light, don’t we all…. and I’ve been lucky enough to have brought it round several times today but I’m having to work at it.

This exercise class is gonna blow all the cobwebs away and have me beaming from ear to ear like it did last week. i just know it will.

Bring… it… on.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 902 from sunrise to sunset!

Ooooh I did not sleep well last night and the result is I’m shattered just now. I have a half hour to go until the Village Hall Committee AGM and I could sleep.

I NEED TO STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE…

If I put it in caps maybe I will remember.

I just lie there wide awake. I got up at 12.30am, 2.30am and again at 4.30 just in time for the 5am alarm. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The Farm was tough this morning (so I always say that?!) but I really enjoyed it. These coos were guarding my van before I got back to it this morning!

Work was busy and the day flew in. I ate too much. I’m tired so feel the need to stuff my face desperately looking for energy.

I planned a nap after work but ended up taking the dogs out which was probably way better for me.

It was a beautiful late afternoon but it was bitter up the hill. Some lovely photos….

It’s 9.30pm. I’m just back in from the AGM and now rushing to put this out before I go to bed and I’ll just leave this next one here….. 🫣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 901 a trip to Kelburn Castle and Estate with Freya

I’m lying in bed and it’s 6.30am and my mind is already whirring so I thought I’d write some of it down.

I’m gutted that my plans for today have fallen through. I was meant to be paddle boarding on Loch Lomond with Ayrshire Paddleboard Co but it was cancelled about 8.30pm last night due to a bad weather forecast.

It was originally meant to be in the afternoon, then mid week changed to 10am to 1pm and last night they made the right call that the increasing wind forecast wasn’t safe.

On one had I was very nervous that I wouldn’t be good enough for the 10k paddle, my wrist has been hurting for a week or so, so I was worried that the paddle would make it worse. Then it cancels and I’m gutted!! Safety first though!

So I could have worked in the little gift shop yesterday morning after all. Mrs Over-thinker needed at least one day at the weekend with no plans… and now I have two. So my mind is in overdrive with the possibilities…..

What do I want to do today?

I want to relax and enjoy a day off but I don’t want to waste it…. Ideas are …Meditation, sort out the Christmas boxes and get them down to a small amount so I can give the rest to charity, walk the dogs, healthy food shop…. But I need to do something that gets me out the house.

I decided to head to head to Largs and Kelburn Castle & Estate. Click on the link to have a look.

Kelburn Castle was built around 1143 and is decorated in what they call Transient Art.

Here it is today. It’s pretty overcast today and the forecast is for strong winds and rain later but I’m lucky to get out and about in the dry.

Love the Scotland flag garden in the foreground 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I have to say, if I’m being really picky, it’s not that pretty but it is captivating as it’s so unusual.

So I took Freya with me today and the plan was to have a big walk in the woods and enjoy being outside before the weather turns…. And that is exactly what we do.

In true country estate style we opt to follow one of the designated paths…. The black path which is the longest walk and takes about an hour.

The black markers don’t seem visible to me for most of the walk so we head up the North Glen and back down the South Glen. Lo and behold we have walked the black route without even really realising it. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Stunning rock formation
A memorial to John the Earl of Glasgow who died in 1775. A lovely inscription from his wife if you zoom in.

This did not scare me… in… the… slightest…. walking up to it… and past it…. Jeezo man 😂

Then we get up to the top of the walk and have lovely views out over Great Cumbrae and Arran. The photo doesn’t do it justice as all.

Then we head down the South Glen.

Uh-oh mum, says Freya. we’re taking out lives in our hands 😆
Looking back up the Glen to the Bow Bridge

I should say here that this is the Kel Burn running through the estate which makes a lot of sense obviously.

It’s a stunning woodland walk.

Another glimpse is the sea!

This next photo is looking down on the waterfall pool. It’s actually a 6ft deep chasm… the photo doesn’t give it that depth.

And this next one is us down at the pool looking back up at the sculpture people! They are see through from up top so don’t show up very well in the first photo, if you look though you will see the outline.

The pool is lovely. It’s actually so dramatic. We tried a selfie but this is the best we can do.

It was a lovely walk and nothing beats spending time in the trees.

There was an Artisan Market on today but we didn’t go in. Not sure Freya would be in-keeping with the artisan theme 😆 and not sure I could afford anything that describes itself as artisan at the moment. I did buy coffee and a lemon square which was lovely…. £4.60.

I should say it’s £5 to pay for parking too but you get access to everything in the grounds. It strikes me as a great place to take kids and there’s a fair bit for them to do.

Here she is all tired and ready to head home!

I sorted out the Christmas boxes and threw some stuff out and have a bag for charity.

I also did a 35 minute guided meditation by Suzanne Robichaud- Open to Receive -the law of attraction. Think I may have fallen asleep in the middle of it but woke back up for the end.

The wind is blowing leaves all over Craig’s clean grass now but hey…. It looked great for a day!!

So a good day, all relaxed and rested for the week ahead!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 900 a bit of a hair brained morning and a lovely calm and productive afternoon 🤯🥰

As usual on a day off, the voices in my head were screaming at me to change the world in one day.

I’ve had a really busy week and I’m tired. I woke with a headache and a million thoughts all rolled into one tiny wee head.

I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for 900 days and that’s with some days off in between…. Time flies when you’re pouring your heart out in words. I must have analysed and over analysed my every waking and non-waking move since then. Trying to understand what makes me tick.

Some days I think I’ve got it made.

Other days a different version of me gets out of bed.

Remember when we were kids and people would say we were over-tired? Maybe that is a thing…. This mornings anxiety wasn’t a discomfort, wasn’t manifesting itself in a physical pain…. It was the wittering budgie in my head going round in circles questioning my decisions, my life choices, the meaning of life.

I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve today and Craig took some of them. That helped. (I should say here, there was nothing of any great substance but you probably know that by now…I just wanted to get it all done!)

While I was out cleaning Abbie the camper van, Claire pulled up in her car and I literally word vomited all the thoughts out at once!! I could hear myself… 😬😳🤯 She laughed and it made me laugh. I felt a bit calmer after that.

Considering all that rambling mind this morning I’ve actually had a really productive day.

I spent some time working on the village Memorial Hall accounts, getting ready for the AGM on Monday night. The sun is shining today so I sat at my desk upstairs and opened the window wide so that I was in the sun while being productive.

Craig pressure washed the grass again so the garden looks lovely and fresh. The sun went behind the cloud for this photo!

Look how clean the grass is…. If only it would stay like this all the time!!

I popped into Claire’s for tea and cake in the garden… check me having tea and I really enjoyed it! We had a really great chat and caught up on each others’ week….and the cake was lovely!

I sat outside in the sun for a while. This could be the last of the warmth and it’s lovely. Our beautiful ivy is starting to turn red.

That actually looks a bit sludgey brown but in the sun it’s vibrant!

I’m listening to an audio book by Alex Mill called A Shift to Love. I love this quote.

The secret to staying grounded is simple. Don’t indulge the thinking, don’t noodle the juicy story, don’t leave the ground”.

“Nothing is more important than presence, your heart does not resist your body coming to silence. Only the voices of resistance want you to leave the peace, that is who you authentically are, to visit the minds crazy funhouse of distorted mirrors and shifting floors”.

Why?”

So you can frantically search for peace, the peace you had before you left. The peace that is you. Stay at centre and allow peace to come to you. Never leave centre to indulge a problem, a concern or a worry. Centre is where your power is”.

Chasing after the world brings chaos, allowing it all to come to me brings peace”

The minds crazy funhouse of distorted mirrors and shifting floors……. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 that sums up my mind straight away!

I’m so grateful that I managed to turn the day around and find my peace.

It has crossed my mind recently that I’ve had a few down days but I’m doing all of this without the medication I was on for about 20 odd years and actually, that is pretty special.

Check me being proud of myself….

Hope you all have a lovely Saturday night.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 899 first day at the little gift shop! 🎁🎁🎁

I am not gonna lie, I am actually too exhausted to even type this but I have been on the go since 5am…… I may have to sit down all weekend and speak to no one to recover!

😂

I didn’t exactly take it easy this morning before I started at 11am. 🤨

The farm was great but really tough. I thought I might actually be sick when we finished the main workout of the session as I’d worked so hard. I had to lean against a wall for a few minutes taking deep breaths to try to regulate my breathing.

We were in pairs for a time challenge and my partner and I finished in 22 minutes and 59 seconds. (Could have said 23 minutes but that second counts!)

It was a full on workout with 2k of running in between the stations (I hope I calculated that right…. Too tired to care really… it was a lot!) We worked extra hard as we take turn about with the exercises. It’s a great buzz but knackering.

I recovered enough to drive home and went straight out with the dogs before I had my shower. No point in sitting down!

The mist was rolling in and it felt very autumnal today.

Scotland has gone from summer to autumn this week. I’m suddenly aware of the darker nights and the leaves are changing colour. The temperature has dropped a fair bit too even though the sky is still blue.

These are the first autumn leaves I have seen

The sun was fighting with the mist but it was a lovely dog walk.

Loved this coo watching the wheelie bins! When nature meets man made….

Our village looks moody in the morning mist. It’s only 8.15am by now and I’ve already done 11k steps!

I’ve been making smoothies for breakfast these last few weeks. Oat milk, yogurt and banana. I really enjoy them and even let Craig have some today. 😆

Sometimes I add a protein yogurt especially after a workout. I’m really loving my smoothies.

Then….. I started on the housework and hoovered the ground floor of the house, tidying as I went. Finally got into the shower and ready for my first day at the little gift shop!

What to wear????! That took me a while! The shop can be quite cold in the winter so I didn’t know what to expect today so I layered up! Also what shoes so my feet weren’t sore? It’s been so long since I went out somewhere in real clothes if that makes sense…. I got there eventually but had a good few outfits on before I finally settled on one…. Jeans and a sweatshirt took me that long 😂

I’ve had a lovely wee day and so absorbed that I’ve not taken any photos of the lovely stock!

I was there from 11-4 and learned how to use the till and the card machine. The rest of the time was taken up with chatting and serving customers and catching up on how everything works.

It was lovely to catch up with Gayle and hear about how she wants the shop to work. She has a great team working with her and I’m looking forward to being a part of that. She knows EVERYONE that comes in and makes their day a bit more special by chatting to them. I’ve always loved that about the shop and I personally love that part too. I like my chat!

A great day but I will definitely sleep tonight!!!

So grateful to have the opportunity to try something new!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 898 I’m so tired I thought this was day 888….. 🤨😂😆

Jeez who would ever have thought when I started writing this that I’d get this far only to say it’s a quickie tonight because I am tired! (Stop it!)

I’ve not been sleeping well this week…. I was up at 2am and 5am this morning and I suddenly realised it’s because I’ve been back on the caffeine with a couple of coffees a day….. so I’ve had none today and I feel like a half shut knife! Hoping that I sleep well tonight though.

Work has been really busy all week and I feel like I’ve been chasing my tail. I’ve got through loads but stayed a bit later tonight trying to clear up since it’s Thursday already! I got a bit antsy this morning at the volume I had to get through and just tried to work methodically through it taking deep breaths when the anxiety got a bit out of control. Works well under pressure NOT!

I had a massage at Harmony in Beith tonight and it was soooo good. Another reason I feel ready to sleep. It’s only a wee half hour but honestly Norma found every tight bit to work on. The perfect need to my working week……. Or is it?!?! 🤨

It’s the perfect end but not to my working week….. I have a new exciting thing to share with you all! I’m going to work in my friend Gayle’s shop Fridays and some Saturdays to help out in the run up to Christmas! When I popped in to see her on Friday last week, it was like therapy. We got chatting and I got a wee mini job. I’m excited as I’ve always loved the shop. Check out the little gift shop on Fb through this link. It’s been such a lovely addition to our local town that it’s the first place you think of for gifts! I think it will help me get to know more locals too.

So yeah…. A change is as good as a rest. I’m really looking forward to it….. and secretly hoping the house cleaning fairies kick into action in my absence….. 😆 just in time for the weekend. ♥️

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 897 Abbie the Campervan puncture, stunning sunrise at the Fit Body Farm then work and crochet

The heading says it all…. No need to read on! 😂

Totally forgot to mention that Abbie the camper van had a slight drama yesterday morning. How could I forget?!

She’s not been running great for a few weeks, a bit of a wobble in the rear end which I’ve been turning a blind eye to….. yeah I know, I hear myself.

I got down to work yesterday and met a customer for a chat and realised the back wheel was as flat as a pancake when I walked round the van! The whole van was actually sitting at an angle……

Uh oh…….

The boys asked when I had last checked my tire pressure.

Hmmmm never????

There was a two inch wood nail through the tree. The boys were VERY quick to tell me that we don’t use that type of screw in camper van conversion 😬😆

When I lived by myself I used to be very good as these things and would check every few months. Abbie the camper comes along and I just seem to think she’s invincible and those monster tyres don’t need checking?!?

I will do it from now on…..

So a garage near work fixed it in an hour for a tenner. Sooooo lucky!

So back to today…. Stunning sunrise at FBF this morning. this is the sky at 6am.

We started the class and the sky kept turning…. It was stunning! This is taken from where right we do our work out!!

How lucky are we?!

I pretended to go and get a tissue and picked up my phone and then ran down to the car park to get these next shots… obsessed much eh?!

Even when I left at 7.30, it was still pretty.

Work was really busy again and I was late getting away. I had half an hour to get some dinner and back out to the pub next door to Crochet. It’s been a busy few nights for me!

We had a good old natter tonight and I did zero crochet as I’m in between projects just now, which basically in crochet terms means I’m in the middle of 3 different things and can’t be bothered finishing any of them.

Craigie is watching Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 vs Ukraine football on tv and I’m chilling watching The Crown. Check me with my new found royal interest!

No tears today and actually quite bright and bubbly…. Long may that continue!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 896 a new exercise class and no tears!

Yay no tears today, things are looking up!

I didn’t sleep well last night, was awake at 3am then 5.30am and didn’t sleep much before the alarm went off at 6.30am.

Yesterday was such a strange day…. Mourning for someone you never knew, regaled by all the pomp and circumstance of such a historical event.

We don’t live like that any more, it must have cost a fortune. I know many people are upset by that but I was over-awed by the ceremony of it all. I think I felt very proud but slightly embarrassed by some of it at the same time. I’m still very glad I watched it.

So the end of an era, however, like every other day the sun still sets and rises on a new day.

It was a really busy day at work. At one point I was trying to juggle two customers at once without letting them think they were being juggled!! Then as soon as I got sat down and everyone else finished at 3pm, the phone rang off the hook until 4 😂 it’s good to be busy!

I got home and we made dinner. Fish and cheesy broccoli… I need more greens! I feel really bloated and sluggish eating all this bread, cake, pizza and pasta.

So tonight I went to an exercise class in the village hall, about 20 steps across the road from my house. My friend Gayle recommended it as the girl who takes it is so lovely and super infectious, you can’t help but smile all the way through.

It was a slow stretching start, to low impact aerobic and just up to high impact when she took it down to some yoga stretching at the end.

I loved it! I loved that I could keep up with the aerobic part but I have so much work to do on the core strength. It’s been a long time since I did any yoga type core work and I have a lot more boob and belly than I did the last time I did it. 😬 Hugging my knees right in was no mean feat!! I had to try and find somewhere to move the belly….. ot has to go!

I’ve had a shower and I’m buzzing. Home just in time to head to bed and get up in 9 hours and head to the Fit Body Farm! Who the hell am I?

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 895 the state funeral of Queen Elizabeth II 👑🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

There’s an lovely silence in our streets today as most have us have been given the day off for the Queen’s funeral. It’s a reminder of life during COVID when everyone stayed home.

I got up at 5am for the Fit Body Farm and it was surprisingly busy. It was a good, fun workout this morning, in teams, which always means you work a wee bit harder than normal.

I started watching the BBC at 9.30am and it’s 1pm and I’m still sitting here. What a moment in history.

It proudly starts with matching pipe bands from all around the world. I should say that all photos are courtesy of the BBC, photographed from the TV.

I just think this is so special. They march in their pipe band vertically (if that makes sense) so you see all the different bands from the front. Wow.

The Queen’s coffin sits on a 123 year old gun carriage and is pulled by 98 Royal Navy Sailors with a further 40 Sailors marching behind to act as the brake.

The tradition was started after Queen Victoria’s funeral in 1901 where some horses were spooked and almost toppled her carriage. I thought that was fascinating. The carriage was set aside in 1901 and was used for her Father’s funeral… King George VI.

The procession assembled at the Palace of Westminster where the coffin has been as the Queen lay in State for the last 4 days and was moved to the gun carriage.

King Charles III apparently had a say in the flowers that were chosen for the top of then coffin. They are lovely.

The Queen is then taken to Westminster Abbey for her state funeral.

It was a very dramatic, religious service. Very moving and I’m sure the Queen would have loved it. I used to be in a church choir and I’ve sung most of those hymns and anthems before so it’s a huge trip down memory lane for me.

There wasn’t a single foot put wrong all day. The choreography of the day was amazing to someone who hadn’t watched any of this kind of thing before.

After the service they had a mile long funeral procession. Solemn but not gloomy as many people clapped for her life of service and achievement. I can’t believe that so many members of the Royal Family walked behind her coffin all of that way. I doubt the King and his family have ever been able to walk the streets like that before.

Here she is passing the Senotaph where she attended Remembrance Sunday so many times.

Passing Buckingham Palace for the very last time. So many occasions she spent up on that balcony over most of her life.

Finally passing through Marble Arch.

And finally being transferred from the carriage to the car to be taken back home to Windsor Castle where she will be interred in St George’s Chapel.

I’ve been so affected by the death of our Queen. Ive found it really sad and really loving. I

’ve spoken to so many people who start the conversation with “I’m not a Royalist, but……” I couldn’t agree more.

I said before, the Queen gave us a respect in the world that I fear we might not see again. It is time for change. Let’s see what that holds.

Stay safe everyone 👑👑👑

Day 894 finally some inner peace 💜♥️

Thankfully some respite from the noise in my head today. Nothing has fundamentally changed but my head has stopped screaming at me that the end of the world is nigh. Honest to god, what a drama…. 🫣

I’m not sure I can explain how bad it feels when I’m in it. It’s honestly like there is no hope…..There’s no way out. it’s very loud, very uncomfortable, actually quite painful and overwhelming.

Like it’s the end of the world and and there’s no middle ground.

I just have to sit in it and feel it all. I can’t drown it in drink like I used to….. though I did smother it in chocolate yesterday. 🤭

And sure enough it doesn’t go away until I learn the lesson from it.

It is easier in my head to forget everything and run. I need to resolve to reject harmful energies and draw a deep line in the sand between me and what no longer serves me. I need to work at breaking all the old habits and patterns that don’t do me any good.

And that takes time.

Today is the first day in 9 days that I’ve not been in tears at some point during the day… usually at the most inopportune time. I tried to hide it from everyone. I didn’t do a great job of that.

I tried breathing exercises…. Breathe in for 3, hold for 4 and out for 5 but I couldn’t do it. I could only manage to breathe in for one, hold for one and out for almost 2 at a push. It’s been like that for days. (I should say even that is still better than nothing but at Kinesiology on Thursday she asked me to breathe out for 7!! That was just not happening!)

So, thankfully and unsurprisingly, it would appear it’s not the end of the world just yet 🥴

I do find that these “mountains” that are out in my way seem harder to climb, they seem so much bigger than anything in the past and yet I always get over them and look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

My friend Ruth always says We have survived 100% of days so far and will continue to do so. Wise words!

So today has been filled with dog walks. First, the usual one!

Uh oh what’s wrong with this next picture?!?! A retriever?!?

I walked handsome Mucky pup for our neighbours! He’s a big boy but a “walk in the park” after walking 3 at once.

We had a wee play in the garden.

I’ve spent the rest of the day relaxing… I know, I’ve done a lot of that these last few days but it’s such a relief just to have silence and to be able to breathe.

Sat outside and threw balls for the pups!

We have the day off in the UK for the Queen’s funeral tomorrow so no need to rush to bed early tonight… oh that’s unless we do the 6am Fit Body Farm of course.

I’ve eaten shockingly this last week. My nighttime weight loss meditations have gone out the window. Normal service must be resumed again soon!

The fire and candles are lit. I was going to go to the sea for sunset tonight but I’m too tired.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 893 a self care Saturday while hubby is at work and football!

Ok so I’m still a misery guts. The noise in my head is incessant so other than dog walk, I’ve taken the day off. (I had the day off anyway but I’ve taken the day off to actually do nothing….. I’ve sat and journaled old school stylee with pen and paper to try and dump some of the noise rumbling round in my head. I’ve cried. Yeah there I go again. The tears have never been very far away this whole week.

We had a nice wee evening last night while we made pizza dough in the bread maker and then made pizzas and a nice morning having coffee before Craig went to work.

But…. Never start a sentence with but…. I felt very off. Very out of sorts.

I had pains in my stomach this morning which felt like bad stomach cramps but was most likely trapped wind. 😬 guess that’s a by product of eating cake, bread and pizza. 🤦🏻‍♀️ it passed after an hour or so. My jaw is clenched and my head is sore. I just need to ride it out and listen to what it’s telling me.

I took the pups out at 10 for a walk and it’s a nice day though cool again. The sun looks huge in this photo but it’s fighting the clouds all day.

Freya always knows when the camera is coming out!!

Freya smiles 😂

Poop scoop when I came home then sat in the garden journaling while the working tennis balls for these 3. I love this next photo! (Where is my mother in law when I need her?!? Throw the ball Gran?!!!)

Those eyes!

So today’s excitement was Graeme next door cutting down a tree that had grown out of control.

Over the years it had blocked so much light into our sun room….. saying nothing of the 6ft fence we had to install as a result of the previous neighbours’ kid inviting a Bhruic over the 3ft fence at the time and then his dad complaining that angry was always in their garden…. It blocks out a lot of light and took a big strip of our land. (Ooooh check the bitter tone from she who normally breathes sweetness and light… and distinct lack of punctuation!)

Keep an eye on the tree in these shots as it disappears!

Bhru had so much fun running around and now she’s saying “where d’it go?!?”

The bushes need a good trim too but I’ll wait until Craig’s back and that can be a tomorrow job.

So he’s at Ibrox this afternoon, home of Rangers FC, as he got the chance of someone’s season ticket to go to the game. It’s been so nice to see him looking forward to something as we don’t do much these days.

He went to find his brick on the wall!

And this is where he’s sitting!

They’ve had a shocking run these last few games that I hope this is a good outcome for him.

Meanwhile I’ve been having a nap in Grans chair, under Grans’s crocheted blanket, with the wood burning stove on in our newly re-sunned sun room! I woke up with the reddest face! 🥵

This next one made me laugh out loud…. It’s so true!

So in other news…… I’m gonna share something that I can’t un- hear so I feel everyone else needs to share my horror. Ever seems this before….

Wee black spots that appear from time to time?!?! Always wondered what they were…… I saw on Mrs Hinch cleaning FB page…. Spider poop 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

So not only do I have 3 dogs and a husband to clean up after, I now have to deal with this as well?!? How many times have I scraped at these with a nail wondering what they were or why they were there?!??!!

So I have spent a good half hour today eradicating the spider poop from my home. Yuck, yuck, yuck…… see there is still some humour in the old girl yet.

That’s got to be a good sign.

The noise is quiet for now. Thank the Lord.

Have a great Saturday night and….. I do apologise for the above if you didn’t already know….. 😬

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 892 dentist and a wee afternoon out with Claire! 🍰🧁🥮

Ok so not gonna lie….. the mood is low this weather. Didn’t write yesterdays blog as I figured no-one would interested in what little I had to say.

But here I am today. I’ve had a nice wee day off work.

It started with the dentist…. 🦷 For the first time in over 3 years.

We obviously haven’t been able to go the dentist due to COVID-19 and I had to wear a mask today which actually felt quite strange.

I look a bit spooky with my off centre blue halo too. 😂

You wear the mask until you get onto the chair and then take it off. They also made me use hand gel so they’re being very careful.

I had a check up, two x-rays and a clean and polish, all in under 15 minutes! Of course, I’ve not been able to keep my tongue off my bottom front teeth ALL day …. They feel sharp edged and so different!

I popped in to see my friend Gayle at the little gift shop in Beith and had a lovely chat. It was so good to catch up. She’s recommended a good exercise class for me to try that actually in the village hall so I might just try that.

Back home and I did some housework until Claire messaged to say she was heading to B&M Stores if I fancied the trip? I did!

We ended up in Irvine and went to Gro Coffee but it was heaving so walked down the road to Small Talk.

It’s a lovely wee place! Check out her lovely smile!

I had that lovely peppermint slice.

Claire’s just back from New York so it was great to have a catch up. It feels like ages since we’ve had a wee day out. 💜

Check this new feature I’ve found on WordPress…… insert Gallery…. Oooooooh!!

It’s a lovely day but a real cool breeze in the shade. It really feels like autumn is coming. It’s the first time I’ve felt cold in ages. I had to put the heating on last night. 😳😱

We then headed into Irvine and went to the shops for a wander. It feels like ages since I’ve been shopping. I bought deodorant, toothpaste, kitchen roll and crisps. Check me. Mrs life in the fast lane. 😂

I took the dogs out when I got back. The sky looks lovely.

They’re great on the lead for me again. I’m proud of them and the gallery function 😂😂😂

That last photo they all want to go into that field. Please mum, can we?!?

So yeah…. I need a wee spring in my step but I’ll find it again. I also need to keep my tongue off the back of my teeth as my tongue hurts now!!

Happy weekend to you all!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 891 National Sober Day

Well who knew this was a thing?!?

It’s a good time to give a quick update on my sober count. It’s also nice that it’s a round number today too.

1,350 days since I started my sober journey. 2 slips where I drank but other than that nada….. diddly squat…. just sitting through all my raw emotion and having to handle it head on without any way of dulling it.

That’s huge.

If you’d told me that 4 years ago I would have NEVER believed you. I would have scoffed big time. I was nervous of non drinkers, didn’t trust them as they made me question my own drinking. It was easier to think they were the weird ones.

Yet here I am.

Sobriety is not always an easy path… hey I put on 4 stone by eating everything in sight to try and compensate for it.

I slipped into a deep depression and had to negotiate my way through it but I’m so proud that I’ve done all of that without drowning it in wine.

There are days when I still think I’m missing out. I feel jealous of the holiday drink pics, the airport drink pics, the party drink pics, the I’ve had a hard day I deserve this drink pics….. Then I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, without the dreaded hangover and realise I’m on the right path for me just now. I see a whole new world out there that is not dictated by where and when my next glass of wine is coming from. I’m no longer under its control and constant spell.

I know to some of you it’s weird but it’s the new me.

I should also say that apparently I’ve saved £10,400 by stopping drinking so if someone knows where that is then please let me know?? I’m lucky if I can find 10p at the moment.

Here endeth. 😆😘

In other news….. Well this is gonna take a bit of getting used to….. crochet is meeting from 6-8 now instead of 7-9 and it feels really strange.

I obviously LOVE the idea of heading home for 8 pm as it means I can get an early night but it just feels really strange.

I was late away from work tonight and by the time I was home and had dinner I was already late for crochet!!

The pub is closing at 8pm now so this is our new normal and I’m sure we’ll get used to it. As I settle into bed with the electric blanket on, Craig is watching the Champions League football….. I am very glad of it. Early night for me after a great catch up and crochet!

Stay safe everyone 🧶🧶🧶

Day 890 a dog walk in the setting sun 🌅

I had the best sleep last night. Out for the count. No wonder after the 2.30am the day before.

So I’ve nothing much to say today….

It was very busy at work. Lots of folk coming and going and the day passed really quickly. I worked on a bit too as one of the guys at work very kindly agreed to fix the Camper van headlights so they are now working again! Some good news!

I am sooooo grateful!

Craigie had dinner ready for me coming in which was lovely, so I had dinner then walked the dogs.

It’s been a beautiful day today. Really hot at times. I’ve not seen much of it so it was lovely to get some fresh air and sunshine tonight.

They’re walking really well for me on the lead just now. Long may that continue!

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

Day 889 awake from 2.30am 😳

I am shattered today. I woke at 2.30am and only really dozed on and off until the 5am alarm. I felt like crying when it did.

I DID NOT DO THIS TODAY…..

I fought with myself for 10 minutes….. then cancelled the Farm. I knew I’d feel better if I went and exercised but I had the whole, no headlight thing to deal with in the van so I just couldn’t face it.

I did manage to get back to sleep until 6.45am so that was something. Then ended up almost being late for work.

I’ve been really tired and tearful all day.

The Queen has been moved to St Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh and is lying at rest for 24 hours.

Mum and Dad were in Edinburgh today near St Giles Cathedral so I hope they managed to see some of the procession. I would have loved to have gone to Edinburgh today but I’ve been emotional enough 🤦🏻‍♀️😆

I took the dogs out after work and the clouds were so dark that I only got half way round the route. We just made it home before it started to rain.

It’s so dark!!

So nothing else from me tonight. Except this next one….

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜