We have a Jeep & a VW T5 and 3 Border Collies and like to go travelling with the Overland Bound guys. I’m recovering from anxiety and depression and we’re currently staying home due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
You so know that I’m overthinking everything today.
Yes I am human. Yes everyone makes mistakes.
But I felt ditsy yesterday. A bit on edge. A bit anxious maybe. And then I reversed into a car without a second glance. Well without a fist glance if I’m honest.
What caused it? Why did I feel like that? Did I drink too much coffee? Did I eat too much sugar? Was I anxious about being away with the dogs? I put out a really positive blog about moving on… is this the universe’s way of saying “don’t get too cocky…” or “ok you’ve dealt with one thing so we can give you another the minute you’re over it”…. What if this is the new me now I’m coming off the meds? Whoa….. there it is.
Whenever something feels off I attribute it to the last few years.
I have a little paddywack in my head as I want to be positive all the time.
I need to learn to embrace it all.
I couldn’t sleep so sat outside and played with the dogs for a bit.
Freya just runs around like a maddie while they play catch.
Claire messaged at 8.30am and said she was awake if I fancied a dog walk so we took them out.
We then cleaned the house like maddies as we have friends coming to stay tonight.
So this happened…. It took Craig about 10 minutes to fill.
And Bhruic 20 seconds to destroy……
So I should mention the big thing down the back of the garden!! and it’s not Craig…. But Craigs new tent.
He got it second hand from eBay but it was an amazing bargain and he got it all for half price versus new.
It all zips in together so you can have as much or as little if it as you would like. We’ll probably only use the main tent and maybe the sides.
So decisions to be made. I might sell my awning and we can use this with the van. Not sure yet.
We have Warren and Doug coming this afternoon and we’re going for lunch in the pub next door!
Great chat out in the sun for lunch and it’s 7pm and we’re still here….I may never be able to move again as I’ve eaten far too much!
Booked the Fit Body Farm for the morning so will leave the guys sleeping. I had to book otherwise I would never go.
Will make this brief considering I put out war and peace earlier in day 488….
It’s cloudy and windy but still a warmth in the air.
Sat here and had coffee and cake…. Hard life. The house is a riot and badly needs cleaning but it can wait until tomorrow.
I had a lovely day. Then Craig phoned to say he’s brought food in… I jumped in Abbie, switched on, shoved in reverse and noticed there was a light on the dash…. A door was open. I carried on talking, trying to sea which door it might be…. Still reversing… someone shouted stop…. BANG!
The whole car park… every picnic table and bench turned to look at me. Everyone was staring. I was so shaken. I just wasn’t concentrating in the slightest. The guy who shouted stop was rubbing the front of the car saying it’s fine and no one would ever notice. I shakily wrote a note with my name and number, wasn’t gonna be that person.
Abbie now has a cracked rear bumper. That’s a new rear bumper as it was cracked when I got it. 2nd rear bumper coming up…. If I can’t just repair it.
Thankfully no one was hurt. It could have been a dog or even a child and I was oblivious to the reverse. Terrifying.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️ I should take my own advice!
As I settle into my new career I’ve been reflecting a lot on the old one. I know I need to let it go. To move on and heal from everything I need to think it through and realise what I learned from it and let it go. Social media has been full of things to really make me think.
My spirit was well and truly broken.
Now I’m not naive enough to think that one narcissist changed everything…..
I am the worst kind of person to respond to narcissism. I am a people pleaser…. I make it my life’s work to make everyone else happy round about be….. at all costs. I overcompensate for everything. I become teachers pet to said narcissists and a huge cost to my own peace. I second guess everything and start to live my life by what they would do rather than what I think is right. Huge conflict when the team you manage then has the ability to face the narcissism head on. And question it. And tie me up in knots 🪢 🪢🪢🪢🪢🪢🪢
Wow I love that emoji. 🪢 is how my body felt all the time. My mind 🪢 my emotions 🪢 my self worth 🪢🚽🧻🚾 (is it any wonder why my body and mind didn’t allow me to fall pregnant….. there were so many knots 🪢 in there, there wasn’t space for anything else. How heartbreaking is that to have to write. That actually brought tears to my eyes.)
That’s just the whole point. My voice didn’t matter. I had no self worth in the whole situation. I did not matter.
Knowing what I know now…. How bad is that?!? People used to tell me to leave. I couldn’t leave. I needed that job, I needed that status, I needed that salary.
I am living proof that I didn’t need any of it.
I’m gonna stop and say that again. Living proof that I didn’t need any of it. Wow.
My life is a gazillion times better than it was. life has a way of working out and despite how broken I was…. I always knew that I would be ok. I knew that life would work out doe the best.
Those very dark, suicidal moments were just times of extreme despair, almost like extreme panic attacks where I felt like I couldn’t be a burden to anyone else. When I say panic attack it wasn’t manic like you might think, it was sad, calm and resigned. My amazing support network would be better off without me. They must be as sick of listening to me as I was of saying it all. I was a burden to them all.
Those were the times I thought that I couldn’t live without the job, salary and status. But I have and I did.
Not gonna lie…. I didn’t take the first step, I was definitely pushed but that is something I have learned to be very grateful for. A good boot up the backside to move on and stop wallowing in what was.
I may have said this before but Craig remembers me saying that I always wanted to work for Tartan Campers. They were based in Beith when I first became aware of them). I knew my skills were transferable… it was just words… I never pursued it.
Fast forward a whole lot of years and ta-dah! I am so grateful for my new job. Love working the longer hours as to be fair it is still only a 4 day week. Love the work, life, gym balance. I feel more in control now than I have in ages. It really is time to let it go.
In the words of Idina Menzel who wrote the song from Disney’s Frozen… 🧊 👸🏻
I sent this to Craig this morning as I want us to look back on life and realise we lived it the way we chose to live it and not think “if only we had”…..
So yeah…. This needed saying again. I’m not promising that I truly let it all go as it is my story but I need to realise that narcissism has no place in my life and never allow that to knock me down again.
I am valued. I matter. From here on… onwards and upwards.
Earliest blog out ever (9.36am) off to enjoy my day taking Bhru and Freya to the beach as Calaidh still can’t walk that far. May post some pics in Day 488 part 2 later.
Thanks for following my ramblings. It means so much to me.
Do you ever have those days when you are off work but you have so much to do you feel like you are working?!
Today was one of those days but it’s all good.
I woke up at 5am for the gym and talked myself into going for a good half hour then fell back to sleep. I know that I’d feel better for it instead of this lethargic overtired way.
Got up at 8 and took Abbie the campervan back to her 2nd home… Burnside Motorsport…. She needs a seatbelt replacing… thanks to Calaidh for having a good chew of the passenger side overnight in Glencoe… aircon regassing as it just doesn’t work AND, if that’s not enough…. a service!
I joked with the guy when I left that he should feel the need to remove the turbo this time as it’s all good….. think the turbo has been removed the last two or three times for various jobs and it’s hugely labour intensive…. Leave it in there this time!! 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😆😘
So since I’ve been home I’ve worked on the Gateside Memorial Hall accounts. Balanced them, made payments and generally ticked that box.
Made a few Tartan Camper calls that I forgot yesterday and started to tidy the spare room. Since I’m not using that as an office every day it’s become a camping equipment dumping ground and we have 2 of our Overland Bound friends staying overnight on Sunday. All the bedding’s in the wash for a freshen up. Why did I not do that on the days I was hunting for things to wash?!?
It’s 13.45 already and I still haven’t walked the dogs.
I don’t plan on doing much else today. I think feet up with my book sounds like a plan. The house still needs fitting but I will sneak up on that in the morning before I have time to think about it.
I still need to getting Abz back from the garage so might plan a wee trip somewhere tomorrow.
Hope you all have some lovely plans this weekend but also take time out for you. Do something that you really want to do… for yourself.
It’s actually raining for the first time in weeks or even over a month. The grass here is very yellow as it’s bone dry… that’s unheard of for Scotland!
So finally the weather has broken. Sadly just in time for my first wedding since long before the pandemic. I must say you wouldn’t want to have your wedding in the intense heat we had last week but as a bride I would have been pretty upset when I saw the forecast.
That said it’s been dry most of the day and the temperature is still pretty high.
I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm this morning as I had to bring my overnight stuff and my wedding gear with me to work. My multitasking let me down yesterday 😆
I’ve had the loveliest drive down and am staying in the Walled Garden just outside Crosshill. It’s a stunning site behind a giant wall…. Obviously…. And there is not a sound here. It’s adults only…. I always think that sounds dodgy but it just means there are no kids. So far there’s not even a dog barking just total and utter silence!
So I’ve never stayed anywhere by myself… completely on my own. I feel very content, calm and peaceful but also a wee bit like a sore thumb!!! I imagine people look at me and feel sorry for me and assume I must be lonely.
This is the quaintest place. We will be back sometime soon. While I would like to sit and chill I have to try and remember how the hell to put makeup on. The little makeup I have left is probably off by now and I haven’t really worn much for nearly 3 years!!! I could end up looking like a circus clown 🤡 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😆
It’s 6pm and I’ve had my shower. I have marks on my legs from where my jeans, socks and Converse boots have been… AND…. There is no hairdryer so I’m sitting with my back to the sun letting it dry naturally. This’ll be interesting. The old me would never have entertained getting ready for a wedding in a campervan… the new me is giggling as it will be what it is. I am willing my hair to dry!
So yeah did I mention it had been raining?!? No sign of it now. It’s scorching hot again!
I’m being picked up at 7.30pm ish…. And I don’t think there is enough signal to load the blog!
Wait till you see the wooden card that the guys made for the happy couple!
So there was no signal at the wedding venue either so the blog won’t upload tonight but what a beautiful place Dalduff Farm is. I have a serious lack of photos but there are a few. Congratulations to the happy couple and so lovely to see people being able to enjoy themselves.
We started off inside but there were no seats so moved out to a lovely courtyard area with a big picnic bench. Sat there for the first few hours. Drank Peroni Libre 0% as it was the only alcohol free option. Got the other drivers onto it too!
Not gonna lie, for Mrs Hermit Features there were a whole lot of people there, it was loud, it was noisy but I actually really enjoyed it. It was lovely to spend time with the guys and gals from work too.
The drive back to the camp site was interesting…. Boss man got us lost (just saying…) and we drove through some really dark, wee narrow single track roads in the middle of the countryside, woods and forest…. All I could think was they were dropping me off on my own in the middle of nowhere to stay by myself in the dark…… 😳😬😱
The reality was… we finally found the campsite…. It was well lit… I ran to the van and they watched until I was in and it shut the door and didn’t leave till the morning!
Now of course there’s a story here too…. I decided to sleep up in the pop top for the first time. It’s now about 11.30pm and I’m trying to make the bed and get in it all above my head… it didn’t feel right at all.
I tried to read my book…. Nope…. Tried to sleep…. Nope… finally gave in and back “downstairs” to set the other bed up and sleep there. I’m not sure I had the best sleep to be fair.
Then it’s 6.30…… and it’s raining!!
When you are as considerate as I am with other people… it is very difficult to leave a campsite without making a noise! Everything seemed so loud!!! I toyed with the idea of rolling off the pitch without starting the engine. So handbrake off and rolled back down off the chocks, technically up the hill. Not far enough off them so I could remove them from under the wheels… obviously. So I had to start the engine. Into reverse, off the chocks… stalled it. Very obviously stalled it. Jumped out and picked up the chocks. Handbrake off out of gear and rolled out through the gate like a silent thing! Is lovely to say no one would ever know I’d been there but oh they knew!
Not sure why that bothers me so much but it’s 7am and most folk are on holiday on a campsite and don’t need me waking them up. 😆
So I got to work bang on 8 and it’s been the busiest of days. I’m not sure that I will be able to speak to anyone for the rest of the weekend. I’m peopled out. I need silence… and a good book. And some sleep. And I have the whole weekend to do it.
Just popping on quickly to say hi…. I don’t know where this day has gone, just been so busy but all good here.
Work all day then home to let the dogs out and they greeted me at the door in their little goonies.
My lovely neighbour Holly and her kids walked the dogs today and I think they’d either been playing in a burn or white the hose as they were wet but all cosied up.
So cute to come home to this but no know what they’ve been up to! They are truly knackered now though….. not a peep out of any of them!!
I had to rush back out to Kinesiology tonight and we worked on issues with my hormones. A very rare occurrence but I was fully balanced before we started. I mean come on….. check me. That never happens!!! Must be something to this working, gym and cold water stuff…
We worked on some conflict within myself. I am working hard on not thinking badly of others and seeing everything from others perspectives and I would say 75-80% of the time I can do that. The other 20-25% I feel annoyed with myself if I moan about something or speak badly of someone.
I don’t think you can be a truly positive person if you don’t think positively all the time and that was causing some conflict inside of me. The work we did tonight will help address a hormone imbalance that may have been contributing to this. I think 🤔 that’s an accurate report!!
I randomly have a wedding reception tomorrow night so am taking Abbie the campervan to a campsite near the venue and staying the night to save having to drive all the way home. Had to rush about and find a dress…. Blah blah…. You get the jist.
Didn’t have the best sleep last night. Felt like I was up and down like a yo-yo! I hadn’t booked in to the Fit Body Farm as I was late getting to bed so I booked it for 5.30pm. It would be so easy not to go but I think it gives me more energy. (Despite the fact it knackers me… go figure!)
Work was good and WAY cooler than it has been. The weather is still hot but cloudy so the intensity of the sun is WAY less.
Despite that the Fit Body Farm was sooooo hot tonight! There’s a big difference between the 6am temperatures and the 5.30pm temperatures… I have lost count of the amount of press-ups and squats I did but it was hundreds…. Really enjoyed it though and was a sweaty mess!
So in one of my blogs I mentioned that I follow the Wild Sea Swimming group on FB but have never got round to joining them. Shelagh, who I go to for Health Kinesiology said she wanted to try it too.
And so we did it tonight!!
Here we go……
I just wore my gym gear and for the first few minutes my feet were really feeling it. I think I’d I’d been on my own I’d have walked back out for a bit but we kept going and it gets warmer.
Then it was time for the shoulders!!!! We went for it and once we were in we adjusted really quickly. It wasn’t really the best place to swim as there were quite a few rocks so we floated around for about 15 minutes.
It was lovely to just float around, look at the scenery, relax and be a part of the sea…. The pics make it look like a muddy puddle but we were stirring up all the sand.
So we’ll be definitely doing that again! We moved really quickly when Shelagh said something moved underneath her…. That was me… out!!!
What an amazing thing to experience and so thankful that Shelagh wanted to do it too. Here’s to many more!! 🌊
Clean bed last night with lightweight sheets…. And yet I didn’t sleep quite as well…. We’ve had the same heavy but soft flannelette duvet cover on since before Christmas. I’ve managed to wash it and change it same day every time since then. I felt the need for change 😆
I think the weight of the covers helps me sleep more soundly. I was up and down to the loo a few times last night.
Anyway poor Craigie is working today so I decided to take Calaidh down to the beach for a run this morning. She ran… I paddled. I couldn’t tell you the last time I paddled and it was bloody amazing.
I’m a member of the wild swimming group on FB and have never quite managed to do it. I always have some excuse…. I even bought a dryRobe but still never seem to actually do it. It must be very cold as I felt the pain with the water just above my knees!!!
Still can’t get over the excitement of fitting under the height barrier. Simple things in life eh?!
Now I did see one thing that made me really sad….. someone had placed some rocks on a huge jellyfish… obviously had the fear it would float in the sea and hurt someone but the poor thing was lying in the sun with 2 big rocks on it. I’m sure it was already dead as it had some holes where I think it had been burnt by the sun and dried out. I can’t believe that someone could be so cruel as to do that and not even give it a second thought. Heres a pic of a happier jellyfish…. 💜💜💜💜
So…. Sad stuff aside.
It was beautiful. Stunning. Out of this world.
I have actually had the loveliest day. I have not sat out in the sun all day which is very unlike me… I’ve actually enjoyed sitting inside in the shade too. It’s still scorching and I think it must be in the late 20’s C again.
I forgot to mention the other day that I’d left my bikini top hanging up drying and puppy number 1 seems to have chewed the strap…..
Today I decided to fix it…….. look what I managed to do.
I even checked to make sure I wasn’t sewing it on back to front and I imagined I would do that…. What a muppet. I only found out when I tried to put it on…….. 🤦🏻♀️ I sewed it on so well it took me ages to unpick it too. I did actually laugh out loud though.
I also put a new phone screen on and managed to get that right 3rd time. That old saying….. 😆
It’s been a lovely peaceful afternoon.
I have to say I am feeling really good just now. Calm, relaxed and chilled out…. Despite the intense heat! Life is good and long may it continue.
Oh my word… it’s hot…..I feel I need to explain something to anyone reading that’s not based on the UK…. We never get this length of prolonged heat…. And most certainly not in Scotland. None of us have air conditioning (apart from The Windsor Waffle 😁), our houses are heavily insulated to keep heat in and our bodies are used to much lower temperatures.. We sit outside in the sun if it’s 14C!!!
We love it on holiday, in fact we expect it on holiday and are devastated if we don’t get it but it feels very different at home.
Craig and I were laughing at each other yesterday as it was far too hot to be sitting in the sun (26C here although it feels hotter). Yet we slogged it out. We could hardly breathe, it was like sitting in a sauna! Now we know the dangers to prolonged sun exposure but as I said yesterday, we just never know when we might see it again.
Yet we get up again today and here it is again…. Wow. Another day of glowing with perspiration 🥵😆
Claire and I headed down to the coast for sunset last night and had such a lovely time.
We heard a woman shout “oh there it is….” And we’re scanning the horizon for the “it”….. she just slowly crept down the side of Arran and it actually seemed like her engines were off at one point.
Now last night was great in a good few ways…. First of all Claire agreed to come down for sunset in the first place…. Secondly I managed to fit Abbie the camper under the height restriction in Portencross car park!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is huge. I’ve not been down since I had the van raised as I was scared I’d be too high. Claire jumped out to check (immediately after admitting she has no spacial awareness…. 😬) and I sailed on under…… and thirdly Claire turned the brightness up on a phone and gave my phone a whole new look!!! I’ve been on the dimmest of settings and all of a sudden my pics took on a whole new light. Wow. Every day is a school day!
The next photo is is at 11pm…… arriving back home. Unheard of these days… we went to McDonalds for a milkshake on the way home. The moon rise was just as attractive as the sunset last night. It was very large and pinky/orange. We had the giggles in this pic as I thought a streetlight was the moon as we tried to take the selfie….. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😁🤣
Quick dog walks today before it got too hot.
So I had the osteopath today and he said that my knee has a swollen goose foot….. (only me…..) and that’s the reason for my pain. It obviously has a much more sophisticated name but I can only remember the crazy one. He says I should put some ice on it after exercise I have all the tools to correct it but could do with some new trainers to help support my foot a bit more. Ok then…. I have to “keep doing the exercises” that I have not done enough of…. And stretch. I really must stretch.
Just before my appointment I bumped into Anne from my tapping group…. It’s maybe been about 3 years since I’ve seen her. It made my day to get a huge hug… even if we did only have 5 minutes if that!
I did a quick food shop after the Osteopath… came home and hung up the second last washing of the day and then tackled some of the meadow garden weeds.
Needless to say there is no after photo as it looks a mess and I have nettle stings under my right armpit and on my right wrist. I also got bit on the leg by and evil horsefly that drew actual blood. Booooooo to gardening!
Sitting back down and enjoying the sun. Hope you all have a a great weekend.