Wow…. She who avoids all kinds of drama has created some amount herself today. Apologies to everyone who got in the way. Wow.

It all went fine until about 11.30 then stand back world and watch out… the Tasmanian devil whirlwind was in full flow.

Jeez…. I really don’t want to be this person. Why do I have to overreact when things don’t go my way. The overwhelm really feels like it’s the end of the world. I drag everyone else down too.

I found this and honestly it explains my life almost word for word.

Now in my defence…. Sorry boys… girls stuff again but my period started today. Now I have always said it’s the one day of the month that I think I should stay curled up in bed. My already crazy emotions are WAY over the top today. Funny that kicked in around 11.30am too.

Leaving this here and hoping that I make tomorrow a better day. Focusing on the present moment and appreciating everything I have.

Stay safe everyone (out my way is probably safest 😆😘)

First of all I have to start by saying day 555…. Not sure if you ever noticed…. But in movies, when phone numbers are giving out they always have a “555” in them. Watch out for it… 🤣

So I managed a bit of a lie in today. I have to say the anxiety is canned thankfully and today I am calm. It’s like flicking a switch. I slept well…. Woke up to the sheets absolutely soaking in sweat at one point through the night. That’s a joy of getting older. I got up to the loo and by the time I came back it was like I was getting into a wet bed. 🤢🤮

Thankfully normal temperature was resumed but the time the alarm went off.

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm as I had been so tired last night. I was due to head into work before the hospital at 9.35, but I’d worked it all back and figured I’d manage about a half hour of work before I had to leave again. Made the decision to do some work here first and then head straight from home to the hospital. Didn’t get out of bed till 7.30am….. oooooh.

Just yesterday I looked at our Ivy and thought… I never get to see that in the sunlight these days….. ta dah.

I had to attend Ayrshire Central Hospital this morning.

It’s a beautiful morning and I feel so much better. Despite the fact I’m headed to get my lump checked out….

I mean listen to me….. the anxiety devil that’s been dwelling in me these last few days is a distant memory.

My appointment was at 9.35 and in true Julie fashion I arrive suitably early…. Parking was a nightmare so just as well I did. By 9.45 my initial examination was complete with a big pen circle ⭕️ drawn on right boob….

Dressed and back to the waiting room.

Then it’s off for the Mammogram. Oh joy, bliss, rapture. It’s a horrible contraption and I often think must be designed by a man. For those of you men with other halves, I’m sure you will have heard this already but they literally whap it out on a plastic shelf and being another plastic shelf down on top of it and squeeze it flat. “It might nip” she says…… “oooh this is the nippy bit” she says….. oh my actual god. It’s so painful.

I should say here that through every step today the nurses have been wonderful. They explain every single step of the way. Every touch and movement is talked through before they touch or move you. But wow. Each boob flattened top to bottom then as if that’s not enough then from side to side. For that one you have to stand at an angle with an arm up and holding onto the machine. A bit like this….

🤣🤣🤣🤣it looked nothing like that… I caught sight of myself at this point in a tv on the wall that was switched off…. Oh my word. I said “jeez I can see everything in that tv…. Wow… that’s some sight” they all laughed. You got to.

The nurse said the tv is usually on and shows stills of Scottish countryside…. She said like the Glenfinnan viaduct….. I WAS THERE ON SUNDAY. Something else to focus on.

Pretty quickly dignity is restored. But the pain lives on for most of the day to be honest… I’m still tender now.

So back out to the waiting room and in for the Ultrasound before the hour is up. A bit like this…..

🤣🤣🤣🤣 again nothing like it but you get the drift.

Ultrasound lady is quiet for a while but then more than happy. I have a lot of cysts… which some people just do have. She called it Swiss cheese. She said the new lump I’d found seems to have gone down a lot on it’s own and they don’t feel they need to do anything else. The aspiration of a cyst can be pretty straightforward but with the amount I have the pain of aspiration would outweigh the benefit. This is my third visit to a clinic since 2010. I’m getting an old hand at it but it’s always a relief to know it’s nothing more sinister.

I’m free to go!

Back to work.

Craig had made me a lovely lunch so I ate super healthy today.

Someone said to me today that maybe I think too much. You know… that’s bang on… I do. It’s hard to switch that off. Constantly analysing why things feel so bad as I guess by know I know that they shouldn’t.

I say this all the time but the calm after bad anxiety feels amazing.

I’m in my jammies with my feet up. I’ve cancelled my Crochet Hookers for tonight as I’m tired and Craig and I are having dinner together.

We’re cooking pizza… kind of from scratch. We’ll see how it goes!

Stay safe everyone 🍕🍕🍕

Jeeeeez I am soooooo tired. It’s that tiredness where you drag your knuckles around on the ground behind you and just moan about all the time about being tired. I am so tired I could hardly be bothered driving home. I’m too tired to put the bin bag out, funny how that’s the first thing that springs to mind.

So I’m home from work and jumped into bed to write this. Ahhhh that’s better.

Yesterday’s blog fell on deaf ears given the FB outage for the evening. Just as well as it was one of those…. I’m tired, I’ve been busy and I haven’t done anything exciting. 🤣🤣sounds just like today to be honest!

I’ve got loads of motivational things to share though which will help boost my mood just by looking at them!

My anxiety is really high at the moment. I’m chattering away to myself in my head all the time. It’s exhausting. I wake up in the early morning and start thinking and it doesn’t stop until I write the blog at night.

I tried some meditation last night to help me get to sleep and I honestly “chattered” all the way through it. There’s a bubbling under the surface. It’s like a breathlessness. Hard to describe. Its a anxiety that I just can’t seem to calm down. It’s been there since Sunday night.

So yeah everything above. I still doubt myself. So much. Over everything.

Yep that’s me hit the nail on the head. The tears are burning in ku eyes as I write this.

I’m so scared I let everyone down.

That’s what anxiety does. It tells you that you’re not good enough. It tells you that you’re gonna fail. That you can’t do anything right. That it’s only a matter of time before I let everyone down.

I know that I’m better than that but somehow wallowing in the anxiety is easier than moving on from it.

I just need to find some way to stop it. The rest and relaxation helps. Writing about it helps.

No exciting adventures today and no stunning photos. Just finally feeling calm and relaxed and long may that continue.

Craigs home for dinner tonight for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I’m cooking. Check me.

Poor Craig 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😆🤣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Awwwww there are no pretty photos from today. Not one. Just a factory in an industrial estate…. no beaches!

Now we never quite saw this colour this weekend but we would have if the sea had been calmer. I love turquoise sea and white sand.

I’m really tired today and don’t seem to be full of chat…. Check me…. That makes a change eh?!

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm this morning as I knew that I needed some more extra rest. I was up and in work for 7.45am.

We had a really busy day today. It was good though.

I actually ate lunch and dinner today. I had salad for lunch and I made a chicken tikka for dinner tonight. Auntie Jac brought it away this weekend and had a pack left over. Super tasty… though I’m sure the first one she made was way tastier!!! 🤣

So a busy day. Not much to say… and just a one last beach pic I think.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow what a trip! The forecast was pretty horrific and we’ve had some fairly shocking weather but we’ve also been so lucky with the beautiful weather we had. It threw up so many stunning and vibrant rainbows… the darkest skies, honestly jaw dropping a lot of the time.

This is a stunning part of Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 and we will be back!

I didn’t sleep as well last night but I did always roll over and get back to sleep. There was heavy rain and wind which wasn’t forecast but we were cosy.

We left before 9am and headed through Arisaig to take some pics. The tide was quite far out.

Auntie Jac was driving as I was really tired and it meant I could jump out for photos. Plan!

We stopped in a lay-by at the side of Lochailort on the way to Fort William. Stunning.

The drive down was so atmospheric. It’s raining on and off and autumn seems to have arrived since we drove up on Friday afternoon.

Not gonna lie. I had no intentions of walking this far in the pouring rain this morning…. But this is Harry Potter viaduct.

When we were kids I remember this being visible from the road but the trees have grown so much in all those years… I realise how obvious that sounds. It still surprises me.

I drove the rest of the way as I felt so much more awake after the wee break. Jac took some pics on the way down

The rest of the journey took us down through Crianlarich to Callander. I never get to drive this road anymore as we usually take the Glasgow route from Crianlarich down past Loch Lomond. It was lovely to see the route we would have taken as kids from the Edinburgh side of the country.

Callander was so sunny but absolutely heaving with people. We got there at 12.35… peak time I guess. It’s a lovely town with lots of coffee shops, woollen mills and outdoor shops. My kinda place to be honest! We could have stopped and taken so many photos but, I was just ready to be home.

Got stuck in the Rangers football traffic coming back through Glasgow and got home just in time for the game at 3. Yay….. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Unpacked, put everything into the washing basket and had a long shower.

We had the best weekend! We managed to see so much, some stunning scenery, beautiful sunrise and sunsets, rainbows, sea, sand, dunes, coos, ferries…. everything Scotland has to offer.

Yet again I’m home and so proud of our beautiful country. I took so many photos I’m going to leave you with some more from the last few days. Special memories in the making. Thanks to Auntie Jac for showing me round this special place!

Wow.

So Sunday evening…. Just like that. Not gonna lie, could have another few days off…. Easy. But hey… we can all take whatever this week throws at us. Every day is precious. Love it to the full!

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌈🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Here I forgot to say when we drove onto the campsite yesterday there was a huge fork of lightning ⚡️ out towards the Isle of Rhum. I was driving so didn’t get a photo of it but that would have be a stunning shot. There were a few flashes and claps of thunder but it never came to anything more.

The weather overnight was wild we kept the pop top down all night and the van rocked in the strong wind off the sea. There were moments of torrential rain which woke me up but I cooried in and fell back to sleep. Everytime.

We took a wee walk around the beach as the tide was out and it looks so different from last night.

We decided to take the van out for an explore. It seems a shame to come this far and not visit the places I came when I was wee. I have to say I don’t really remember any of it.

The forecast today was for high winds and heavy rain but we were so lucky that it stayed dry until later in the afternoon.

We then drove up to Mallaig which is at the very end of the Road to the Isles.

We decided to take a drive round the side of Loch Morar. It was an amazing track!

We drove back round to the coast again and decided to explore Camusdarach Beach where they filmed Local Hero. It was stunning! At one point we were the only people on it.

We headed back to the campsite after all our beach visits. My legs are really sore from the Fit Body Farm yesterday!

Had a lovely wee nap though to be honest I spent a fair bit of time lying watching the tide come in. It’s fascinating to watch it edge in… surprisingly quickly. I looked out the other window and spotted this!!

Jumped out and ran down the beach like a maddie….

So we’re back inside all cosied up now as it gets dark. We’ve seen so many different weathers and colours today. Everything Scotland has to offer. We didn’t get snow mind you.

Can highly recommend this stunning part of Scotland. The only sound just now is the click of our diesel heater. It’s like a heart beat.

I’ve missed my boy but I’ve had the best time exploring with Auntie Jac! And she’s been the best chef…. There’s a theme here eh?! I go travelling and get fed by everyone I travel with?!?!? 🤣🤣

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

1.30am…. Honestly wide awake. God knows why but I could barely open my eyes at 5am when the alarm went off for the Fit Body Farm. I stood like a wee kid with a petted lip not wanting to go.…. But I did…. And boy was it hard work.

Lots of cardio today and an “active recovery” after each activity which is basically running sprints. My body doesn’t actively recover… it actively is still knackered!

It was a good one though!

So back home for 7.30am, shower and packed and ready to go by 9am.

I took this photo of our ivy as I drank my morning coffee. Stunning colours.

So I was on the road for 9am ish which is way later than I had planned to be but I had grossly underestimated the amount I still had to do. But hey there’s no rush.

So I did the following drive today.

It’s another stunning drive this time from south of Glasgow to Stirling to pick up Auntie Jac and then on up through Callander, over to Crianlarich, up through Glencoe, on to Fort William and finally out to Back of Keppoch which is just outside Arisaig. Wow what a drive. We had torrential rain, pure blue skies and sunshine and lots of rainbows! 🌈

At one point the sea and sand was been blown up on the grass… it was crazy….

A caravan that looks like it’s permanently on the site, had its awning come loose and blow right up over the top of their van. It’s still attached but covering the roof! We contacted the site owner and she said the owners are on their way up tonight. She’s had 5 folk text her to tell her…

And then this happened…..

Auntie Jac came out and took these stunning pics!

So hopefully we’re not blown away overnight…. The pop top is down as it’s too windy and I can have my Fiamma awning out. But it’s super cosy in here.

Dinner was pasta with a bottle of Nozeco.

Bed will not be far away….. the wind buffeting the van is strangely comforting. Until I need the loo. Will try not to think about that!!!

Stay safe everyone 🌅🌅🌅

The blog I mean… the blog is gonna be a quick one tonight. Clean your mind!

It’s 19.24 and I’ve just sat down and even then I shouldn’t be. I have things that need doing but my head won’t think straight!

Awake at 5.30am again but calmly and not in a crazy anxious state thankfully. I’ve not slept well all week for some reason. Ok that’s not true, I’ve slept fine just woken up early every day.

Another busy day at Tartan HQ with two customer hand overs!

It’s been a really busy week but the boys have done a great job and both customers vans were ready ahead of schedule. It’s quarter end tomorrow and we finished a day early. Onto next quarter’s work already. A good feeling.

I didn’t get home until about 5.30 and have been cleaning and packing Abbie the camper van ready for another wee trip away this weekend.

Auntie Jac and I are off up to Arisaig for two nights…. This is where we are going to be!

I love the turquoise sea and pure white soft sand! Don’t know how much of the colour we will see as the forecast is pretty wet for the weekend but we will make the most of it!

It’s a good 3 hour drive so lots of exploring to do!

I have the Fit Body Farm at 6am then home, packed up and ready for the off.

So just had a wee last minute pop in next door to meet the new addition to the family!

The photo doesn’t do it justice and show how small he/she is. Just a teeny, weeny, gorgeous bundle of fluff.

I’m off to bed very shortly. I’m looking forward to some exploring and chill time!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So yeah…. This happened!! 1,000 days without an alcoholic drink since January 2019.…. Who’d a thunk it as my Gran would say! That saying always makes me smile.

By Dec 2018 I knew enough was enough and I thought I’d take a break and try Dry January 2019. That period between Christmas and New Year when you’ve had so much to eat and drink that you stand at the bar in the pub and just can’t think what you can force down your throat this time. Drinking Prosecco while really struggling to keep it down but hey it’s just what you do eh?!?

Eh no…….

I wasn’t any worse than anyone else but I didn’t like how alcohol made me feel. I hated that “fear” the next morning….. there were unexplained bruises, hellish hangovers and awful cringeworthy moments. Any excuse to have a glass of wine in my hand. That ahhhhhhh moment that made everything seem all ok. It numbed the pain of a very stressful job with a horrific commute.

So I started on 2nd January 2019 and “celebrated”’my last hurrah on 1st Jan… as you do. I’ve slipped twice. The day the pubs announced they had to close on 20th March 2020. 443 days in I sunk a bottle of wine like it was the end of the world. It was disgusting, I hated even the sip at the start. It made me feel weird…. And on I drank. I couldn’t stop. I felt like hell the next day and beat myself up.

So I did it again on 15th July 2020. The pubs were re-opening (should say I live next door to a pub…) so I “celebrated” the re-opening. I didn’t want to be the odd one out. Again disgusting (and that’s not a criticism of the pub wine!) Same story as before. I carry those two days about with me as a cross to bear. Why is it I focus on them rather than the 998 when I used sheer bloody willpower and didn’t have a drink?!?! You knew I was hard work eh??!

So here I am… who’d a thunk it as my gran would say. 1000 days without alcohol. She who self medicated with it has gone it alone.

It’s been a very hard journey yet sitting here now it seems easy. I was so jealous of every minute I spent around drinkers. It was so hard. I felt left out. I had to decline drinks left, right and centre. But I did it. I am proud to be a non-drinker. I used to turn up my nose at non-drinkers. I never understood it and felt threatened by it. Not any more.

So my next count is I’m now 47 days without antidepressants and I’m pleased to say that today was so much better than yesterday. The non emotional, in control Julie turned up today.

Yesterday was awful and I didn’t sleep great either. I didn’t get up for the Farm this morning as I needed more rest. I feel so much calmer today. It’s such a relief after the drama I created yesterday.

So what’s the difference today?! Well….. this might be the craziest thing I’ve ever shared… but I have a crystal that helps balance my chakras. (Yeah I know, ok, bear with me….)

This crystal is programmed by a company called Lifetransformers. net….. now I know and I would have been reluctant before so I hear you rolling your eyes at this. 🤣

Well you can scoff if you like but all I can say is…. Popped the crystal into a wee bag and into my bra and it’s done the trick. Now you can just stop laughing. I will regret sharing this I’m sure 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️but I am night and day compared to yesterday. If a wee crystal in my undies changed that then let me have it. (That sounds so ridiculous…. I’m aware)

I’ve had this crystal for a while and it’s been helping so I left it at home. Forgot about it. Course I never mentioned it before as you’d think I was crazy…… suddenly thought about it this morning as my anxiety wasn’t great again first thing.

Boom. Job done. I’m hoping you focus on my 1,000 days and forget all about this.

So that’s all for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🥳

I’m off to meet the Crochet Hookers tonight then an early night again.

I want to say thanks so much to everyone for reading and supporting me. It means a lot.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So it didn’t start well. I think my cheap step count watch has a mind of its own. I woke at 4.43am and given the vibration from the watch that followed…. For the next half hour or so, I can only imagine that’s what woke me. I’ve raised a complaint that I can’t control the screen. There’s a theme here with the day. Lack of control.

I was wide awake. I couldn’t stop thinking about things that needed doing today….. I tried breathing exercises. They work for a few inhales and exhales then another thought pops into my head. Repeat. Repeat. You get the gist.

I decide I’d be better off getting up and heading into work and doing things rather than lying in bed mulling everything over. I got up at 5.45.

I knew my anxiety was a bit off the scale today. I feel a bit breathless and my mind flits from one thing to the next and I can’t think straight.

I talk it through. I put it aside. I write a list.

I am bit sad tonight. Sad that I had a bad day and I want to just be able to shrug it off. Instead I seem to choose to wallow in it.

To be fair I did alright today. I do pretty damn good despite everything.

I’ve eaten a lot of calories to compensate. At 999 days without alcohol I really could have done with one tonight. Instead I chose crisps and cheesecake for dinner.

I took the dogs out for a walk. I think I missed a good sunset as the sky was really pretty.

The dogs were a nightmare on the walk. Maybe I was the nightmare on the walk. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I need to learn not to get so angry and upset when the anxiety kicks in. It’s not the end of the world. It just feels like it at the time.

As I sit here swithering whether to post this or not…. I realise that today has been nowhere near as bad as I think it was. It’s just in my head. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️