Awake early this morning, maybe because I managed an early night last night…. and decided to set up a new FB page so that all of my ramblings have their own home!

Most of the guys following Overland and Borders don’t want to be reading my daily diary…. they want to see Jeep stuff and off-roading and maybe Border Collies!

I’m so chuffed that so many of you have followed me over to my new home. Thanks guys! It means a lot 🦥

I’ve had a lovely calm day today. I find it amazing that I can have a day full of tears yesterday and yet this morning not a tear in sight… I don’t know how common this is in these strange times but it always feels like a set back to me. Yet here I am today, calm, no anxiety, no pain. Yes more importantly no pain…. I haven’t realised that until I started writing this down. That’s why writing is so cathartic for me. I feel it helps me understand my moods. How can I be in so much pain yesterday and not even think of it today?!? Wow.

Craigie and I went out to look at new couches today. Lucky enough to see one in the third shop so didn’t even have that long to wonder around. COVID meant we had to go round most of the shops in a one way system. Most staff wore masks and one shop didn’t have swatch books out so people weren’t touching them without hand sanitising first. It’s still so stands to me. You can sit on any couch you want… not sure how that’s different!!

Anyway it’ll be here in 10-11 weeks so time to get rid of my trusty brown leather couch…. trusty not rusty… 🥴 it’s been with me since I got divorced in 2002 and moved into my wee flat in Hamilton. It was my big treat for my new house. It’s meant a lot to me but the years have taken its toll… I still think it looks great but Mr A not so sure and he is right…. I guess I just look at it with affection over the years rather than what it is now.

Anyway, I’m well aware I’m spending way too much time on my old couch!!! Home and had lunch then out with the girls for a good walk to tire them out. Hardly took any photos for once… thank god you say!

Back home and had 6 calls to make for Pawsitive Solutions so that kept me busy for the rest of the afternoon.

Would you believe I am actually sitting watching Coming to America now! What a great film, it’s still funny even after all these years… wee trip down memory lane.

Stay safe everyone 💕💕💕

BIG NEWS

BLOG NAME CHANGE!!!!!

After months of debate… ok no a few days and really only a few minutes within those days…… I have changed my blog name from Overland and Borders to…… 🥁🥁🥁🥁

The Rambling Sloth 🦥

Rambling has always been an “affectionate” term for my daily musings… and I’ve been referring to myself as a sloth or El Slotho as a bit of a joke recently as I sometimes lack the energy to deal with normal day-to-day living due to the extra effort it takes to keep my overactive mind running at its current level. Jeez that was a long sentence.

It’s also a double meaning for me as I think calling myself a sloth is a bit self deprecating and hopefully I’ll get back to full fitness soon and be rambling all over the place again with the mind ramblings in a much calmer place!

So, not gonna lie. Not the best day today… free flowing tears for no apparent reason again but as a lovely lady said to me on our walk tonight…. that’s only 2 bad days out of 30 since I reduced my meds and bet I never thought it would be that easy. Very true…

I’m in a lot of physical pain today… shoulders, wrists, ankles and knee…. kind of in the order. It’s inflammation of tendons and joints and it bloody hurts. It was sore turning over in bed last night and some days it just aches more than others. I’m sure it’s a combination of excess weight along with excess sugar intake, which I’m really trying to reduce… along with tension.

I sorted out a lot of camping stuff this morning while Craig would up chopping wood with the village woodcutters. Sat down for a coffee and that’s where the tears just came… Craig came home (don’t worry it wasn’t just because I was missing him… 🤣🤣) and we went into the pub (had a fresh orange and lemonade or two) to write a list of everything to take camping with us next week. Came home and had a lovely FaceTime with my mum and then out for a dog walk with Claire. Well… a Calaidh walk with Claire!

So, hope you can all relate to the name change and it doesn’t stop you finding me!

Stay safe everyone 🧡🧡🧡

Craig and I had a holiday in the Outer Hebrides in June 2019 and since then strong winds have been our nemesis…. now no chortling in the back rows here…. storm force weather winds. I would say before that holiday we’d be more upset with the rain but since then….. the noise of the wind is deafening. It really grates on you and irritates your ears. 😤🙉

The point of all this…. is that there’s not a breath this morning. Just pure blue skies and calm calm calm…..

It’s only 8.36am and I’ve taken loads of photos already… shock, horror you all say.

Had a lovely dog walk this morning with Rachel and Nacho from two doors down. I only had Bhruic and Freya as Craig has Calaidh at work.

Had my lovely friend Lea visit with her 4 year old son Jacob today! Not seen them since January and lockdown cancelled a trip we had booked away for Lea’s 40th in March. I still haven’t had a chance to get her a present yet despite trying!!

So lovely to get a good chat and catch up on the last few months. Jacob is such a cool kid, he’s straight in to play with the dogs and they had a blast running around with him! He started school already which I can’t believe as I reckon he was born a few months ago…. time really does fly eh?!

I’ve had a really lovely day today. I also booked 3 jobs for Pawsitive Solutions but looking forward to a day off tomorrow. I have a sore head as it’s been a busy day but it was so lovely to get that walk this morning with Rachel and the afternoon with Lea. Been way too long and we must get her 40th birthday night away booked when this virus malarkey all calms down!

Stay safe everyone 🧡☀️🧡

So yes…. Craig has a ridiculous 4.30am start this morning for the gym… I say ridiculous but I am hugely proud of him for getting up at that time especially for exercise!

I woke when he got up and finally got out of bed around 5.30am to blitz the housework. I hadn’t really planned it that way but it doesn’t do any harm just to launch into it and battle through until it’s done. Had to empty the new Shark hoover 3 times again 😱😱😱

Sunroom, living room, kitchen, bathrooms all de-dog haired!! For the short term…. Craig came home from the gym at 7 and I was elbow deep emptying out the fire place! He came in looking for the dogs…. they were still upstairs in their little dog room in the eaves….. He made coffee and tried to get me to sit down and I started leather cleaning the suite…. when I start I need to keep doing or I just don’t want to start again!!

I said to him, “just imagine what our life would be without the dogs?” enjoying the calm and the time alone together…. the works “dull” was out his mouth before I’d even finished!!!! Cheek…. they have all be warned not to mess up MY lovely clean house. He let the dogs out after coffee and I swear they extra fluffed all over the place…… I could barely look!!

Back home for a poop scoop and be very glad there a no pictures! Then had Craig’s Business Partner Lorna in for a meeting so great to catch up with her. At 12 I had a nail appointment so now have lovely rest toes and 2 eyebrows again yay!!!

Then had 6 calls to make for Pawsitive Solutions. When I think back to how scared I was making these at first and now I actually quite enjoy it.

It’s now 4pm and I am still awake…. not bad going. We’ve been invited into the pub at 5 for a few drinks with Kenny next door… few diet cokes for me!

I did find some COVID news yesterday after I published the blog saying that yesterday was the highest rise in new cases since 12th June with 1,522 new cases. This was an increase of 1,048 over Wednesday. There were a further 12 deaths taking the total to 41,477 UK wide. Scotland had two of those.

Stay safe everyone 🧡💛🧡

Ok so how many of you remember Weebles?!?

Weebles Commercial

I’ve often referred to myself as a Weeble in the last few years of suffering from anxiety and depression. I’ve put on weigh hence the larger body size but while I might have lots of wobbles, I don’t actually ever fall down as a weeble just rolls back up!

Lesley one of the lovely crochet bunch must have picked up on this at some point as yesterday she gave me my very own weeble that she got from eBay!!

A lazy start to the day but we must have needed it. Didn’t wake until 8.25am. How is it that in rat race I used to survive with 7 hours sleep max a night, up at 5.30am every morning and not be as tired as I am now?!? Maybe just catching up on all those years of 9-13 hour working days???!

So finally at the back of 10 I started Pawsitive Solutions calls and then headed out with the dogs about 12.

So lovely Claire next door is on holiday this week so we made a last minute plan to grab a cuppa!

Interesting to learn the price of my coffee once we got the bill. Not sure if I’ve said before but I’m not drinking real cow milk anymore as I don’t like the taste of it so I had a coconut milk latte. Now I am not gonna lie…. it was exquisite! Honestly one of the best coconut milk coffees I have ever tasted…. but boy did I pay the price!!

£8.60 for 2 coffees 🙈

That’s £4.30 each coffee 🙊

£3.30 for the latte and £1.20 for the coconut milk 😱 for each coffee!!!!!

I can get a whole carton of Coconut milk for a max of £1.80. Wow. Now I was shocked but it was very good. Just very expensive!

The 2m social distancing wasn’t really possible and their tables are way closer together than next door in the pub. It was the loveliest wee trip out and so unexpected. I would like to add that I did not buy any cakes to bring home as I can’t eat them if I don’t buy them… one small step for Julesie!!!

Back home and more calls and started the blog and all of a sudden it’s 7.20pm.

I’ve had a good day. I’ve realised that certain things in life are tests. Triggers to which I need no longer react to and every day is a learning curve.

I’m still constantly thinking of a new name for the blog and when I get the right one I’ll know it.

Think the rest of the evening is going to involve joining up Craig’s blanket squares! He says no pressure to have it ready fo our wee break away but I would like to. Just not enough hours in the day…. how did I ever manage time to work?!?! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Stay safe everyone 😷🩲😷

Where to start today… the morning I guess…. Craig was off to the gym at 5.30am so toyed with the idea of getting up then. Set my alarm for 6.45 instead and got up to walk the dogs.

Might have gone back to bed for an hour…. which made getting up the second time a whole lot easier. Showered and washed hair then headed up to Gielsland for this mornings volunteering. No one to be found?!? Strange…. we’ve recently moved food collection to a new building so I went to the old building to see if we were back up there… nope…. no one…. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

You can imagine…. I’m questioning what day it is? Am I sure? Blah blah blah. Finally found someone who thought I was on holiday this week so I got a day of!!!! Love that my first thought was for lovely folk I deliver to… they’d be wandering what was wrong?!?! Nice to have an impromptu day off though.

So in true overthinking style I had to go and do the food shopping as we had nothing much in so make use of the downtime. It took way longer than it should do I had a wee coffee caravan on the way home as a treat!

So, since then I have faffed and huffed and puffed and generally not made good use of my day off. The whirling thoughts of everything that needs done and the self doubt…. wow the self doubt is dreadful today.

Have a lovely evening ahead with the Gateside Hookers so looking forward to the chat and hooking… Craig would like his blanket for the week we go on holiday which is about 8 days away?!?!? It’s fine… not to panic, it will be ok!!

Stay safe everyone 💛🧡💛

Hardly surprising after the last few days antics that I am knocked for six today. We have Storm Francis blawin’ a hoolie outside and compared to the blue skies yesterday it’s just miserable. No it’s just totally miserable full stop without the comparison.

Craig was awake at 6.15am and I heard myself… “for god’s sake get back to sleep!!” Who’s grumpy today then?!?! Moi?!?

Finally dragged myself out of bed after 9am as I had Kinesiology at 10. What a lovely appointment. Despite my exhaustion I managed to do a lot of work today. We dealt with an issue that I’ve been very aware of recently. If people disagree with me but I feel that I am right then I get very angry at the injustice of it all. We worked on this and cleared it today for good. I will accept that others are not always on the same boat as me and that I don’t need to let their energy drain mine.

So I had 7 calls to make today and no one answered!!! Finally got 3 that called back and booked 2 so all good. I’m just mentally exhausted and can’t think straight so thought joking 2 was pretty good!

Do you know what, maybe I am actually just tired like “normal” people 🤣🤣🤣

Craig sorted out the problems I was having with the Overland and Borders new website which is great news only to find that I had lost all the work I did back on about day 44. We are now the proud owner of http://www.overlandandborders.com

Watch this space….. however, I have been thinking for a while that this blog was running from our Overland and Borders name, I know realise that it’s grown arms and legs through lockdown as had become way more about my daily chat, how COVID-19 has changed our lives and my issues with mental health. I’m thinking now might be a time to change the title so that it makes more sense for people who search out this kind of blog…. a title should be a clearer indication of what the blog is actually about…. thoughts as follows:

• Gateside Ramblings
• The Ramblings of an overactive mind
• Blaw’in a hoolie
• The overthinking mind
• The rollercoaster of life
• Daily ramblings

Personally I think I like Blawin’ a hoolie as it’s Scottish and is just me spouting off every day like the wind! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s actually 4.30pm already and I feel like the day has passed in a blur. Today’s blog should be renamed the daily sloth I think.

I’m off to have a lazy night. Thinking movies would be good to pretend it’s a night out at the cinema.

Stay safe everyone 🦦🦦🦦

Trying not to start the day off on a negative but that was the worst sleep I’ve had in a hotel for a long time…. folk passing outside talking, shouting, laughing, listening to music and smoking right under the open window. I tossed and turned for hours and last I saw on the clock was 11.37pm when the room was filled with cigarette smoke despite there being a sign on the window saying we’d be fined for smoking in the room…. seemed ok for those outside to do it and filter through our room….

There were also signs in the staircase and the corridors saying to shhhhh as people might be sleeping…. not sure that anyone outside last night cared about that!?!?

Thanks so much to Jac for coming with me… excellent co-pilot and wingman and I’m sure I’d have been staying down south somewhere if she hadn’t been with me. She only got home at 7pm after we set off at 8am this morning!

I may never drive again. I’m sitting out in the sun at home starving…. too tired to eat but know I need to! It’s been such a lovely sunny day, just beautiful….

Stay safe everyone 🐫🦙🐫

I woke up in Scotland and as I write this I am now in Thetford in Norfolk having driven all day in Abbie the camper van with Auntie Jac as the best co-pilot offering to drive all the time! Still not sure why I never just let her take over?!?!

We left at 7.52am precisely and poor Jac had already driven for about 50 minutes to get to us!

It was a long day.

The end

🤣🤣🤣

Actually I am that tired. We were travelling for about 9 hours all in.

We’re here to pick up the flooring and furniture for the camper. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. I’ve got Jac on the insurance so we can both drive…. remember that tomorrow Julesie. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Right it’s 7.30pm and we’re already back in our room and it won’t be long before I crash out! More tomorrow as we aim to head straight back up the road after picking up the van furniture… we’ll see……. 🦦🥱😴

Stay safe everyone 😴😴😴

Other than walking the dogs and going for a massage I have literally nothing to do today! No list… nothing. Of course it’s me who’s talking here so the list is still bubbling away under the surface but none of it actually needs done.

I’m tired today. Again…. I know.. I say it all the time.

It was at this point that my massage appointment got pulled forward by a few hours. Instead of waiting until 3 I could go at 1.15pm! Never seen me move so fast…. it was 12.39pm!!

So home, then into the pub for a few drinks… Coke Zero for me of course and my favourite Spicy Hula Hoops then back into the house, feet up and planning a lovely nap now!

Now this is funny….. I’ve been asleep for almost 2 hours and was having a skin through our After Dry January FB group where someone thanked one of our lovely members for a gift they had just received….. you can hear the penny dropping from here can’t you???!! Sure enough this was in the package too!

I must point out here that I had the 2 days where I had wine. The day the pubs closed for lockdown and the day it opened…. I have still gone 598 days without a drink since 2nd January 2019 which I think is pretty damn amazing. I might have some Nosecco tonight to celebrate!

I would never have done it without the support of the amazing FB group. I’ve met some amazing virtual friends who’ve helped me along every step of the way.

Stay safe everyone 💛🧡💛

So… 150 days since our Scottish lockdown for COVID-19 started. The day Craig had to stop work and stay home. Can hardly believe it’s been that long yet the year is flying by faster than normal. How are we doing to cope with a lockdown in the winter months?!? Doesn’t bear thinking about…. cold and dark every day, think we’ll need to get lots of lovely candles and twinkly lights. Maybe put a Christmas tree up at the start of October? No too soon…. just looking for some way of brightening up the winter months!

I find it really sad that we don’t hug and kiss each other in greeting anymore. I guess that’s a thing of the past now. It was a lovely way to show affection for people, even formally shaking hands and now we just kinda faff around and say hi… would shake but can’t you know… it’s a bit awkward!

Not wanting this to be a negative blog but just thoughtful about how much our normal lives have changed. Mine wasn’t very normal anymore anyway but it’s more acceptable Joe to be in the house. I like that my neighbours are always next door now, even if they are working, it’s nice to know that most people are in the village and not scattered around Central Scotland. Craig’s been really busy with work and continues to be, we’re now taking bookings for October!!! It’s something to do with that dynamo he has following up enquiry calls for him…. 😆😬 actually it’s more likely due to lack of sessions possible during lockdown!!

It was torrential rain here this morning… I decided to take the dogs down to Loch Shore at Kilbirnie Loch to give them a good run.

I made calls for Pawsitive Solutions and did an Infection Control and a COVID-19 training course for Beith Trust. It was really interesting!!

I then spent the rest of the morning and into early afternoon looking at cheaper electricity deals for our local Memorial Hall! It was worth it as I’ve saved £320 a year by switching from Scottish Power to bulb. Anyone keen to switch, I have a code that gets you £25 credit on your account and same for me. I will pay £25 into the hall account so they get £50 credit as I’m not benefiting from that as that wouldn’t be right. Chuffed to have saved that on the first thing we looked at. Did take a while but it was worth it!

So I’ve been on reduced meds since 1st August and only really had one bad day. I can feel myself way more alert to emotion than I was before. The irking… the fury boil over…. the sadness… but it’s ok. I am aware of it. I haven’t bitten Craig’s head off yet which is always a bonus…. although you might find him under the patio. #jokes

It seems apt to have a Covid-19 stats update on day 150….

So a lazy night for me I think… I’m tired, it’s been a busy week (yes I know, not compared to some but it’s a lot for me!) I’m in granny’s chair, feet up writing this and then might have a nana nap…

Stay safe everyone 🥰🥰🥰

9.10am before I even opened my eyes… only because Craig came into the room and said “are you ok? Do you want to see the dogs”…. I made a noise that was meant to be yes but he realised I really meant no! So slowly dragged my eyes open and dragged out of bed. I’ve taken to referring to myself as El Slotho these days. Only because I love the sloth emoji!!

🦥 and 🦦

I was feeling that lovely really shattered tired that stops me from opening my eyes but did have to prize them open to get moving.

It’s so windy I have been propping up the sweet pea tubs all day… every time I look out they are horizontal… it’s no small wonder they aren’t flowering that well!

Straight into Pawsitive Solutions calls and had a wee play around with the spreadsheet to see I am now booking 38% of the calls I make which I’m so chuffed with. Was only 27% in July. I’m growing in confidence everyday.

So I’ve made calls on and off all day and particularly enjoyed a call where the puppy was a Border Collie called Angus! We had a cairn terrier called Angus when I was wee and of course I live my life around Border Collies now. Someone came to the door during this call…. one started barking and the other two started almost wolf howling… honestly…. thankfully the door was shut to the office but it’s hard to concentrate with wailing dogs in the background!!!

Also tried to start some health and safety courses online with the Beith Trust but kept getting interrupted by phone calls. Might get up early and do them tomorrow when Craig goes to the gym. Need some peace to concentrate!

Now also had a call with the doctor today. I found a “growth” on my back or at least Craig saw it and thought it should get checked out… I called the surgery, they sent me an email by return for photos and consent to hold on file and within 2 hours of making the initial call I had the diagnosis of Dermatosis. It’s benign, nothing to worry about. Does not need removing and I am not going to post a picture on here as WordPress will pick that up as today’s blog cover photo no doubt and I ain’t having that!!!!!!

So COVID-19 has one benefit, that’s the fastest doctors appointment I have ever had from point of identification of an issue to diagnosis. All by email and over the phone. Impressive.

Scotland has seen the highest daily increase in cases for over 3 months as 77 have been reported in the last 24 hours. The 2 Sisters plant in Couper Angus have reported 29 cases with 900 employees being advised to self isolate. Aberdeen’s lockdown has been extended for another week as they are unable to move out of localised lockdown yet. Six adults have tested positive at a school in Dundee resulting in its immediate closure. We are creeping back up to the R rate being around 1 again. For every one person infected, 1 other person catches it. It’s still very much there and we need to ensure we are not complacent.

Going to have a nice relax tonight I think as I’m still tired. Craig got home earlier than expected so he’s on dinner already so at least I’ll get fed! He’s a keeper that boy 🥰

Stay safe everyone 🥰🥰🥰

Not the best sleep last night but shouldn’t complain…. awake at 7.20am and up sharp to walk the dogs before volunteering today.

Had a lovely chat with all my regulars today. A good catch up on what’s been happening. Sad that some never get to leave the house at all. Really hope that I brighten up their day a wee bit.

I’m not gonna lie, I am exhausted today. By the time I’m finished deliveries it’s after one and I just need to sit down with my feet up. However, we have no food in the house and have been living off random cupboard food for the last few days. My mum will be horrified at me but this was last nights dinner… I should have said we’ve “bean” living off random food!!!

This is one thing I struggle with at times. I can’t be bothered thinking about what to eat so it’s easier to eat a big bag of crisps than it is to think about something fresh and healthy and cook. So I’ve done a kind of half shopping just now so that there are meals in the house at least for the next few days. I find I can’t think straight in the supermarket and Craig’s just been too busy to go. Yes it would be easy to think of meals and write a list but I can’t seem to do that…. it’s like it’s easier to create stress not having the right food to eat than it is to just get the right food to eat. Crazy huh?!? Why have an easy life when you can create stress instead?!?

So now I have eaten something I’m in Grans chair in the sun room with the heat streaming through the windows and it feels lovely. I’m tired so I will read for a bit and have a nap. After a few wee Cadburys chocolate buttons that I treated myself to.

Wow that’s a good 2 hours I’ve been dozing feeling the warmth of the sun and just hearing the odd “woo woo woo woo woo” and Bhru and Freya let the world know they are there but pretend they are not barking!! It’s comical as is floats through my sleep.

Craig for us both a lovely present today. It’s a mug with the 5 of us on the side of it!

The Gateside Hookers are meeting in an hour in the pub with our new extra socially distanced meeting if that is even a thing. As there are 5 of us we have had to book two tables in the pub. One for 3 of us and one for the other 2. The village will also see the first socially distanced car treasure hunt run by Beith Young Farmers tonight too.

Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️

Wow thank goodness my head seems to be free of whatever took hold of it yesterday. I still feel very tired. It’s a different tired from yesterday… it’s calmer, it’s relaxed, it’s not that irritated, antsy, irksome tired. Today it just is what it is and it actually feels good.

I’ve always found that FB reflects my mood and shows me these wee quotes to help me along the way. There were loads last night so maybe they sunk in??

What a huge relief to feel so much better today. I still can’t believe the difference overnight. It’s such a relief.

Up and showered then Auntie Jac came down for a wee visit so we took the dogs out before we did anything else.

Then drove to Auchengree farm shop for a coffee and a scrambled egg roll then out to Portencross beach just for a wee chill.

I can back home and had 7 calls to make for Pawsitive Solutions. One lady said to me that it was really lovely talking to me and I was very good at explaining what the dog behaviour training would entail and I put her at ease. Wasn’t that lovely. ❤️

Then had a lovely wee FaceTime cal with my mum and my nephew Rory who is staying the night… in my room!!!! He thinks it’s his room now. The dogs all came to say hello and wish Rory happy birthday… the big 10 the other day.

Went through to Claire’s at 5pm for a cuppa and a lovely chat. So different from how I felt yesterday honestly. I just can’t believe the difference. This time last night I was sitting crying and tonight I’m chatting and laughing with Claire.

We had a Memorial Hall Gateside committee AGM tonight in the hall where everyone had to sit socially distanced and wearing masks. It was the strangest thing, the mask wearing and not the AGM! Quite a few of the long serving members resigned tonight.

• Lynsey McLean – Chair
• Caryn McLeod – Vice Chair
• Claire Porteous – Secretary
• Rachel Miller – Treasurer
• Moi – Assistant/vice Treasurer

So it’s 9.08pm and I’ve joust made a booking for Pawsitive Solutions! I’ll never get this blog out…

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the lovely messages of concern yesterday. You’ve no idea how much it means to me and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to stop for tonight before something else comes up!!!

Stay safe everyone ❤️💜❤️

Jeez I just need a good shake. We had a lovely weekend in the sun, a good break and yet for some reason something feels wrong today and I just can’t relax into the present. I feel really irked again…. my new favourite word. My mind is talking to me and it’s all just noise. Irritating noise. Can you imagine what it’s like having me wittering away at you all the time… oh yeah Craig… sorry 🤣🤣

I know that I need to do something to fix this but I am annoyed with myself for feeling anything other than happy. Boom…. there is is. Writing it down has helped. Today is a bit of an off day and I’m disappointed that I feel sad as there is no reason for it. It feels like a step in the wrong direction. That revelation actually brought tears to my eyes. Writing this blog is such a powerful way for me to explore my mind.

I’m having an off day and that’s ok. It’s allowed. They don’t all have to be perfect.

Craigie got up at the actual crack of dawn to get to the gym this morning. 4.30am!!!!! So, in my wisdom I decided that I too should make the most of the day. 🙈😳

Up at 5.30am to do some shoulder stretches that my friend Diana sent me from America. Designed to loosen up the shoulder tension I spoke about last week. Once I actually managed to get going with them I found that my muscles are so tight, my joints ache and I am totally inflexible. I have basically ceased up in the two years since I’ve been off sick…. guaranteed that’s not going to start you in the best frame of mind for the day but the intention was there.

By 7am I was walking the dogs… unheard of! Met Andy the milkman who asked if I’d got kicked out of the house!!

So I spent the morning making Pawsitive Solutions calls and a bit of adulting paperwork. My head was just spinning with chatter (yeah I know… weirdo!)

My bright and breezy morning didn’t really materialise and has spiralled downhill from there. I just feel exhausted which I suppose is hardly surprising given my 5.30am start for the first time in a very long time. This exhaustion always feels more than just being tired though. It’s a deep seated tiredness which makes everything feel heavy. I think I’ll just have to give in to it and go and have a nana nap for a bit and see if that clears my fuddled head.

Craig was heading out to work again there. The poor guy is so busy just now as this crazy behavioural booker is on his case. 🤣 as he walked out he said you’re not ok are you. I love that he knows and says just to sit back and relax.

I had a sleep for an hour and then was woken up by 3 separate dogs using me as a trampoline! Guess it must be dinner time and they are hungry.

Sorry it’s a short one today. Hope to be back bouncing off the walls with happiness tomorrow but for now I’m sitting out in the garden with a big cardy on, breathing in some fresh air through a snotty nose while the tears flow…. all part of the healing process I guess and need to remind myself that it’s ok. I have survived 100% of my bad days so far. Said to mum this morning… “ jist wan o’ they days”.

Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️😥

Slept like a log last night. Was a good sleep! Probably all that fresh air again though it wasn’t as warm to sit out last night so we watched a movie for the first time in in ages instead.

I’m a bit short tempered today. No reason why that I can think of. Just feel a bit irked…. I love that word, it actually makes me laugh which I suppose is good when a word describing irritation makes you smile. I think my anxiety is telling me that loads of stuff needs done today and yet it actually doesn’t. Even writing that helps me calm down.

So we went out bathroom shopping this morning as the guy starts work early September. We went up to bathroom shops in Hillington and got a towel warmer radiator, a shower and a small corner sink unit for the small bathroom. All in the first shop. Still to look at mirrors and some storage units and of course the toilet tool holder but we made good progress today!

We made a stop in Starbucks on the way home as I was gasping for a coffee! Craig and I used to go to Starbucks every weekend when we lived in East Kilbride. We must have saved a fortune on coffee since we moved here! Yeah I know…. most likely now spent on the pub…. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 alcohol free for me obviously!

So Starbucks are using a track and trace app to allow them to capture details of their customers. If you are sitting in now they ask you to go and get a table first then go up to buy your coffee, with your mask on. You then go and sit down and they bring it over to you. You only queue if you are taking it away. You then have to adhere to the instructions on the table.

We signed in and signed out of Starbucks with our phones. Very cool! Craig’s now pulling something together for the pub next door!

Hoovered our the Jeep and Craig washed it as Abbie the camper van was showing Jeepey up. He doesn’t call it Jeepey just to be clear though it has a certain ring to it. 😆

Then had to empty the hose out with evil puppy Gnasher Calaidh!!! She loves a spray with the hose and it’s so good for them in this hot weather as long as they don’t drink it.

There were 2 other dogs running about at the same time though you wouldn’t know as they don’t get a look in with Calaidh around.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

What a lovely night we had last night sitting outside until 11.15pm with the fire pit roaring! It’s the best fire we’ve had on it I think…. to sit and listen to the breeze in the trees and the watch the stars appearing in the sky but it never really got that dark.

So when I say it hardly even got dark…. it really did and it was fun trying to get everything back up the garden at the end of the night… without tripping over the tartan blankie!! We honestly just had such a lovely time. No pressures, no worries, just nature, fire and a wee bit of singing… maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 special times.

Needless to say it was a slow start this morning. Calaidh an I went out to wash Abbie the camper van.

Feeling pretty thoughtful today and I’ve been looking round mental health sites to advertise my blog a bit. I want to try to expand this to people who don’t just know me but I hope I can help people who have been feeling the same way.

I’m close to my 2 year anniversary of walking out of work as I just couldn’t function anymore. Simple emails sent me over the edge that morning, my breathing was erratic. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I was terrified. Yet now I can calmly sit here and reflect on everything and see just how hard I have had to work and just how far I have come.

Sadly in the UK at least we are masters of our own journey. I had to pay privately for all of my treatment (except CBT towards the end which my old work kindly paid for as they could see how bad a shape I was in). I had to fight for all of this. I had to shout loud when I felt very small. I had to stand up for myself when I felt terrified. I had to try to explain how I was feeling when I couldn’t even make sense of any of it. I had to fight when the last thing I felt like doing was fighting. I wanted it all to end, I wanted to stop being a burden on everyone. Things like this did not happen to me. I had a fantastic support network of family and friends. Yet even with all of them there were times when I felt I couldn’t “moan” to the person I’d just “moaned” to yesterday or the day before. I couldn’t keep draining them….. At times like this support comes from the most unexpected places. People who’ve had a tiny part so far suddenly come big players and others who had a huge part to play at one time in your life just disappear.

I am proud of my people. I am so grateful to everyone who has stuck by me on this journey. To those I terrified when going through my worst.

So yes…. not sure if it’s the one week of Scottish summer we are having at the moment but I am really loving life just now. We are not going over the fact that we should be on the Isle of Skye just now (tho Craig checked the forecast earlier on and said “oh wow it’s pure sunshine all day… dammit that’s Skye” all in one breath!) Our clouds cleared late morning and it’s been beautiful ever since.

Stay safe everyone ☀️🦋☀️

Well as usual with us, there’s a story…. we are on holiday this weekend and is scorchio! Ok so it’s only a long weekend….. but given how busy we’ve both been in the last few weeks it’s a godsend to know that we don’t actually have to do anything.

However…. we should currently be on the Isle of Skye in our tent. We are not. The bloody Jeep is leaking fluid which is coming out through the wheels…. guess it really never got put back together properly at the last garage. Abbie the campervan is still getting her body work done so won’t be ready until 5pm so we are sitting out on our new decking pretending we are abroad, thankfully it is still so hot that we can….

It started overcast and cool this morning and I had a Pawsitive Solutions call to finish off which took me until about 10.30. I hoovered all the dog hair after that so we have a clean house and did two washings to get them out in the sun. Life’s simple pleasures having 2 washings dry in the one day!

We then went to the pub for lunch to hear that Scottish pub COVID-19 rules have tightened up as a result in the pub in Aberdeen which saw 54 cases in the short term and has now affected 850 people in such a short time. In summary from today

• Everyone must call to book BEFORE they go somewhere for food or drink
• They must agree to give details on track and trace or not be served
• No more than 3 households at any one table
• No standing at all in pubs
• The owner has to clean down the whole bar area at staff shift change over

All of this makes complete sense but it becomes mandatory from today. Holly (who runs our local next door) has been on a call this morning with Ayrshire Licensing and only 37 pubs attended! Ignorance of these changes will not be accepted as a reason for non adherence. We need to limit the spread of COVID and pubs have recently been a catalyst.

We can’t complain about not getting away given how lovely the weather is.

I HAVE ABBIE THE CAMPER VAN BACK FROM THE GARAGE!!!!!!!! Wooooo hooooo! We have finally found a garage that gives us the car back when they say they will…. what a great job they have done of the damaged body work too!

So chuffed with the job that they’ve done! So good to have her back too. Now just have to get the Jeep sorted and we are almost free of cars needing garages! If that’s even English which I know it’s not…

Hope you all have a lovely evening. We plan to sit out until the dying embers of the sun! Life always seems easier in the sunshine. Sitting outside breathing in the fresh air you can forget everything that’s going on in our crazy world just now….. and the fact that we should be in Skye. Still there’s always a dog wanting a ball thrown…..

Stay safe everyone 🎾🎾🎾

Slept like a log but apparently kept Craig awake all night with my “gentle snoring” yeah right, I don’t snore….. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Up early to head over to Livingston For a wee retail therapy day with mum. It was scorching when I left and 19c but It clouded over at Harthill and was a kind of damp mist by the time I got to Livingston! I went via the Orignial Factory Shop in Bathgate as I heard they had Rocket Dog trainers on sale…. got the pair I wanted…. Sooooo chuffed with them! I have totally copied my friend Evelyn who got them yesterday so just putting it out there. She got them first… I copied… no shame…. 😆😆😆

So yeah met Mum at 10 and had a wee Costa Coconut Latte for a late breakfast.

So the designer outlet shopping centre is all one way traffic now. Everyone goes in one door and all the way around the centre to go out the other door. It’s a long way to walk if you want the M&S Retail Outlet store as that’s nearly at the end of the one way system. There are arrows on the ground to show you which way to walk at all times. Most signs said 2m distance though in the toilets it said maintain 1m where possible. Every second sink is closed off, with every other hand dryer too. There were GIVE WAY signs on the entrance to the loos so that no one bumped into each other.

Almost everyone was wearing a mask, not just in the shops but throughout the centre. Each shop has an entrance and an exit and stores with multiple entrances have closed them off so that they can control the number of people inside. Almost every store had hand sanitiser on entrance. Shoe shops had disposable pop socks if you had bare feet, no changing rooms are open so you can’t try anything on.

Everything is so strange and it really makes you wonder what we are going through when you see how strange our world has become. It’s really quite sad. We would have laughed if you told us this in January…. utterly ridiculous and yet we are living through it now.

So home and onto Pawsitive Solutions calls and didn’t finish until after 7. There’s a wee bit of stress underlying just now as I can’t fit urgent jobs in as soon as possible as everyone is so busy. That’s a huge trigger to make me want to have a glass of wine. I still don’t know how to chill out without it. Well I do but I don’t know how to chill out without feeling sorry for myself that I can’t have a glass, I feel left out. I can join in but it’s not much fun sitting with a can of Diet Coke. I know it’s my choice but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. I don’t trust myself to go to the pub with everyone just now so just gonna sit and chill in Grans chair…. with a Diet Coke. Making a saving!!

At 7.28pm I noticed there were no birds in the Ivy….. 7.33pm it came alive!!!! I need to find out why the birds all fly into it at exactly the same time every night.

Off to find something for dinner, feeling a bit meh but it’s fine, I’ll pull myself out of it and keep plodding onwards. Sorry for a wee moan. I have booked 4 jobs today so it’s all good.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

Wow it’s been the hottest day so far, it’s blistering hot which for Scotland is amazing! I’ve been running about like a headless chicken all day too and it’s 16.48 and I’ve only just sat down.

So where did the day start? Oh yeah good sleep and up with alarm at 7.30am.

A quick check on coronavirus news…. today focussed on the amount of jobs lost.

So my wonderful husband who’s been using the Beetle for the last few days( as they Jeep was in the garage) left me with the fuel light on so I left early for Volunteering today. The van’s still in the garage so needed to take the Beetle and make two trips, the only saving grace being the Beetle’s air con is amazing!!! Turns out that was just as well I left early as I had 14 deliveries to make today. Long way from the 3 I started off with… got to see all my usuals plus a few newbies which was lovely.

I don’t normally go to the BP garage in Beith as it’s pretty expensive but I had no choice. Drive in there, parked, go out took nozzle out and into the car when I realised that there was a big sign saying cash payments only….. so I had to carry on with very close to zero fuel!

I’d bought a new mug for one wee lady and she was so chuffed, she’d broken hers last week. She told me she loved me! Awwwwww that’s what it’s all about. ❤️ being kind and making people happy but without making yourself feel sad.

So I had to go back to base to pick up my second run and came home to get cash for the garage. The cash that had been lying out was gone. I had to do the rest of the run with my fingers crossed that I didn’t run out of fuel. I was officially a member of the zero club!

After the final delivered I drove to Kilbirnie Thames garage on fumes and was so relieved I got there! Then the aircon was up full again as I didn’t need to save fuel anymore. In fact I should go and sit out in the car now to cool down!!! We never get heat like this here. ☀️☀️☀️

So, I wasn’t sure whether to write about this or not but it’s a topic that comes up every now and then and today was one of those days. However, I know I’m on the road to healing as this is usually a difficult day for me and yet I’ve felt nothing today for the first time. What the hell is she gonna come out with, you wonder?!? Today is the day that the kids go back to school after the summer holidays (let alone after COVID-19) and everyone posts pictures of first today back at school and I could never do that. I always felt a jealousy because we never had kids.

It was just one of those things…. nothing wrong with either of us it just didn’t happen despite NHS intervention. Those years of trying really took their toll on us and I guess was another nail in the coffin carrying my mental health. I had to inject myself in the stomach of the toilets at work and then go out to the next beating for something going wrong in the factory. My body wasn’t really any place of tranquility for a wee bubba to grow….

I used to dread first day back at school as the jealousy would overwhelm me. I would remember all those months of bereavement and wonder why that happened to me. I used to avoid people who were pregnant as I couldn’t bear to see their happiness and expanding belly. I had one friend that knew this as was so amazing with her pregnancy that she talked me through how she was feeling etc on a daily basis because I asked her too and I wasn’t jealous. Lea’s wee boy Jacob started school today and just looked so cute and handsome in his uniform today. It’s apt that today should be the first year that I genuinely have no negative feelings about first day back AT ALL other than a smile at peoples photos on FB. I’m really proud that I can say that today.

These are all things that define who we are and determine who we become. For a long time now we have been very happy not having kids in our lives as we have friends with such lovely kids that we can borrow and give back. It just wasn’t meant to be for us and I can see that now. Our life is how it’s meant to be now.

So just leading on from that, this is day 11 of reduced meds and for those of you worried, Craigie is still ok, I’ve not driven him insane with stress, anxiety and floods of tears so long may this continue. Watch this space.

I have crochet tonight in all this heat so I hope we might sit out in the beer garden though it might be cooler inside the pub! I’ve booked another job for Pawsitive Solutions this afternoon too so I think I’ll squeeze in a wee nana nap before I head next door to make the next square for Craig’s blanket!

Stay safe everyone 💜❤️💜