Would just like to start off by letting you know that we had a huge monster in the garden last night about 3.30am…. obviously… given the barking from the pups. Honestly they went nuts at something…. not conducive to a restful sleep 🛌 😴 💤

So had someone coming to look at the Beetle today and she bought it!!! I am now Beetleless which is not a word. But I am.

Here are my 2 babies before the wee one left! I took her for a run to the Co-op this morning just to make sure the brakes weren’t sticking as she’s been sitting still for so long. Will really miss the drive. Honestly that car corners like it’s on rails. So great to drive.

I was outside from 11am and the couple didn’t turn up until about 12.15pm.

Holly next door and her friend Debbie run a Macmillan Cancer Support afternoon tea every year and this year was to be no exception. The difference was it was a takeaway or home delivery. A great idea!

We were actually giving out 6 cakes per person as we had so many!! I’m not sure if I’ll ever want to see cakes ever again….

At first count I think they’ve made over £2,800 which is amazing as last year we were around the £1500 mark I think!

So I’m awfy tired! It’s been a busy few days and thankfully I’ve been feeling more calm. So I plan not to move for the rest of the night. And relax!!

Stay safe everyone 💚💚💚

Another momentous occasion, feels like 5 mins since day 100 if I’m honest…. so I’ve been writing this blog for 193 days now… precisely. Wow, no wonder I’m knackered.

There are days that I struggle for content and am too tired to write it but other days where it flows and the content is glaring me in the face pretty early on in the day.

I’m really tired today. Very, very calm which is such a wonderful after a week of anxiety.

I went out on my first puppy training job this morning. I was in training along with the puppy obviously. Timely that I make such a big step on day 200. The next step in my healing journey. The puppy was A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E, the cutest little thing ever. For 10 weeks old it was incredibly well behaved.

I took lots of notes, tried not to freeze to death as I forgot to take a jacket and we ended up outside for the whole session. Also note to self to stay off the coffee ☕️ prior to dog behavioural sessions that last for 3 hours……. 🥴

I’m home now, in the sunroom and for the last 2 hours I’ve had the sun beating in through the windows and I am defrosting! It is sooooo cosy. Our hallway has been tiled this morning so I can’t go into the bedroom and get comfies on so I’m lounging in my smart clothes 😊 not smart like smart but smart for me!

So today is World Mental Health day snd as a sufferer of anxiety and depression I’m not quite sure what this means…. it doesn’t change anything for me. The last few years my work have advertised it (sure it was Mental Health WEEK last year) but no one even contacted me about it when I was off sick. Someone did send me a screenshot of their screensaver on the pc saying to watch out for people struggling. He sent it to me more for the irony of the fact that I had struggled for so long… I had tried to get help from HR…. and yet eventually had to muster the strength to walk out of the office myself when I just couldn’t cope for a second longer.

Anyway that’s all water under the bridge now. No point in thinking how things could have or should have been different. Mental health awareness is a new thing for us all so while people are being “seen” to support it, we need more action to join the dots up in our mental health system. We shouldn’t have to fight for our own recovery at a time when we don’t even have the strength to look after ourselves.

Anyway, what have we learned from our COVID-19 life changes?

I think the saddest thing of all is that our lives will never be the same again. Gone are the hugs. The kisses. The handshakes. All that’s left are the emojis 🤗 😘 🤝 things that we took for granted are gone.

We watch things on tv and realise how freely we moved around without any fear of catching anything from each other.

I think it’s important to note here that I don’t personally fear catching COVID-19. As time has gone on and we’ve been lucky to be pretty distanced from it, we’ve become a bit complacent.

Looking back we would think nothing of sharing buffets with hundreds of strangers at a wedding, standing in crowds at gigs, hugging and kissing loads of strangers in pubs or at Christmas and New Year. These things were very normal. Yet now we just can’t do that.

So let’s all see what the next 200 days bring. I hope that all we still have our health, our happiness and our sanity.

Stay safe everyone 💚💚💚

I am so much calmer today… I can breathe and it feels so calm and restful. What a difference from yesterday. I think this is the calmest day of the week so far.

I wanted to stop to get rainbow pics this morning on the way to meet mum but asked Gillian if I could share this instead. It’s a reminder for us to be grateful that after every storm there is a rainbow 🌈. This week has been a bit of a storm for me and so time for the rainbow 🌈 I think.

Drove to Livingston to meet mum and went early so I could make Pawsitive Solutions calls before I met her. Sat in the van for a half hour as I left messages for people.

Mum and I went straight for coffee and ended up in Krispy Kreme…. well it would be rude not to wouldn’t it. Mum asked if we would share a doughnut…. of course I said “I didn’t get where I am today by sharing doughnuts!” 🍩🤣

Had a good wander round the shops and it was quiet which is always great. Especially now with all the rules in place… entrance, exits, arrows on the floor, walk this way, don’t walk that way…. thought this was funny though….

Who would ever think it was ok to return a face mask? 😷 😆🤣

Had a lovely wee day. No anxiety at all today.

Have booked 7 jobs this week which is equal to my highest booking number but spent way more time talking as it to make up for the anxiety I was feeling. Still a great result.

I’m out training on my first puppy job tomorrow. It’s true if you don’t force yourself to change then you don’t change and you stand still. I’m forcing myself through the next step.

So in big news……. a huge part of the house was spotless when I came back!!! The new bathroom is operational and I ceremoniously used it for the first time but the living room, kitchen snd sunroom were cleaner than I’ve seen them in over a month. So wonderful to come home to that. Craig’s not sat down all day!!

The pub next door shut at 6pm tonight for 16 days in line with the latest Government COVID-19 rules.

I had pub enchilada takeaway tonight and it was bloody lovely!

We are now sitting outside….. yes outside…. at the fire pit.

No prizes for guessing whose idea it was as it certainly wasn’t mine but it’s lovely. It’s nowhere hear as cold and windy as it was earlier. The music’s playing…. a lovely end to a calm and lovely day. And breathe.

Stay safe everyone 🔥🔥🔥

So this was the plan today… instead I got caught up in some kind of anxiety tornado. 🌪

I felt ok ish when I got up but then my head just started racing with everything I had to do… none of which is a big deal I hasten to add.

I want to stop here and say that I don’t write this because I want you to worry about me or feel bad for me. I write it because I want people to understand what life with anxiety is like. If you’d spoken to me or met me somewhere today you would never have known. I want you to understand the sheer exhaustion caused by fighting your own mind.

Instead I have a house that is more cluttered than a cluttered thing due to bathroom renovations. I’m spending time covered in stoor. I can’t find things and when I do everything I touch is covered in stoor. There is a man in my house asking where this is and where that is and where do I want this and where do I want that…. and that’s not just Craig!!!

All of this creates overload in a way that I cannot explain. To me it seems utterly ridiculous that, after all the hard work I’ve put in, I can still feel so overwhelmed. I should be better by now, these worries are nothing, I felt great a few weeks ago, where has that gone? I

am so hard on myself….

Along with all this… today…. tears…. a whole lotta tears.

I was meant to be meeting Auntie Jac for coffee today but I’d put her off as I felt so bad. She called the morning and I couldn’t talk through my tears.

She told me to go out with the dogs and listen to a podcast and that she would come down.

The podcast I picked (or did it pick me?!?) was Brené Brown talking about how we are so overwhelmed by what is happening right now that even the most level headed of us are losing it. She said that we cannot comprehend that we have passed the 6 month mark of COVID-19 and yet nothing is resolved and it feels like we have taken a step backwards. None of us should be hard on ourselves as we don’t stand a chance in figuring anything out right now. We are working day to day with the information that we have. By the time I was half way round on my dog walk I had stopped crying and was hanging on her every word.

Jac arrived shortly after I got back and came in through the back garden in line with COVID-19 rules and we went out for coffee (in two separate cars in line with COVID rules) and then went to a couple of shops to look for bathroom mirrors (again 2 cars). The bathroom mirror has been driving me insane as there are way too many to choose from! Just give me one and I’ll take it. It will do….. 🥴

Back hone I had calls to make.

The bathroom is almost finished. The toilet snd sink are back in but not quite working yet. We are nearly there!

I feel much calmer this evening although Craig has a broken Jeep again….. this time the power steering has gone. The Jeep is back in the garage!!!!!!!!! Give me strength.

I am enjoying the calm. It feels good. In true Anxiety and depression fashion I’m not showered, living in the same jumper I have for weeks because it makes me feel cosy and I only want to eat crisps and chocolate but that’s ok. I am not stressing right now and it feels nice.

I promised a covid update today but I honestly can’t be bothered. Sorry, you all know it anyway, it’s more for the purpose behind the blog but hey… today it does not matter.

Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️

So yes… I have decided to stop volunteering with Beith Trust now that I am embarking on some Pawsitive Solutions puppy training. Today was my last day snd I felt a bit “covered in emulsion” as I did my rounds.

The Beith Trust gave me an opportunity when I was feeling pretty raw and I remember coming home the first day is floods of tears as it had been so nerve wracking. I was reminded of that by Claire next door first thing this morning when she messaged to say how proud she is that I am taking the next step, she found a message from back after the first day of deliveries so she could send me it to compare I needed that.

Volunteering did exactly what I needed it to do and gave me the confidence to get back out into the world and talk to people.

I’ve met some wonderful folk, everyone was so kind. I’ve even learned my way around our home town for the first time in 5 years!

I have to be honest and say that I do feel like I’m giving it my all just now and I’m shattered. Some days every simple thing seems much harder than other days. I have a tiredness that rest does not seem to refresh. No amount of sleep is enough. But I’m ok and I will feel better tomorrow or the next day.

Not sure I know where the afternoon went. I got home at 12.30pm snd had lunch and tried to chill a bit. Then had a nail appointment at 3.15 so have lovely wine colour toes…. then back home to bed to try and sleep this off. I kid you not the bathroom guy must have shouted me 4 times since I lay down…. it’s 6pm already, not slept a wink. On the plus side the bathroom snd hall are coming on in leaps and bounds!

There has been a big covid announcement in Scotland today where pubs have to close from Friday at 6pm for 16 days. Some gyms are closing too…..

I’ll cover that tomorrow when I have a bit more time. Off to crochet at 7 for the last time in a good few weeks… it’s sad that we seem to be going backwards but it is what it is I guess. Better to be safe than catch it.

Was just waiting on the last pic to upload as they take ages, feeling pretty worry for myself as I can hear folk next door in the pub having a laugh… as I’ve said before when you don’t drink there is nothing that drowns your sorrows. You just she. To face everything head on… and with pizza and chocolate.

Then this happened!

My friend Diana called from the States. We have never met. We are friends through the After Dry January group on FB snd have got on great since we virtually “met”! She is out on a lake on a paddle board for the first time in her life! The sun is shining, she’s in shorts, the water isn’t too cold and she is just in awe at the beauty around her. She said she has about 400 contacts that she could have called and she thought of me. She said the powers that be told her to call me. So lovely of her.

Stay safe everyone 🧶 💗 🧶

Another meh day today I think. Didn’t sleep well and felt sick through the night. Have felt squeamish all day snd yet am still able to eat ok just something not sitting right with me.

Went to cash and carry with Holly this morning as she needed the van as she had so much stuff to get. She is running a takeaway Macmillan coffee afternoon from the pub on Sunday. She has 150 to make!!! No wonder we needed Abbie the camper van for deliveries!

The bathroom guy is still here so the dogs had to be out in the garden for a bit today. I love the fact that when I came home and was talking to Craig… they sussed they could still be involved from outside!

So a good day work wise, booked in 4 dog behaviour jobs but overcompensating for my anxiety I talked WAY too much…. surely not I hear you all say?!?!? 🥴😆

Claire and I met for a dog walk after her work and it started to rain the minute we met. One of us was prepared for rain, one of us just couldn’t be bothered!

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜

It’s only 10.42am and I’m blogging already which is unusual for a Monday. It’s not that I am bored or have nothing to do but just that my anxiety is running wild today and I need to think it through. I need to write it down to understand it.

I had an “out for the count” sleep which was great. Woke up with a whirring mind and I can’t stop it. All I had to do this morning was walk the dogs, shower, make some calls and have a meeting with Pawsitive Solutions.

Craig walked the dogs… I chose not to have a shower 🤭 and so all everything was taken away. Yet still the anxiety pulses….

I’m not worried about the meeting. I’m digging deep to see if I am but I feel good about starting some puppy training. It feels right. Maybe it’s just the fear of the unknown. I was petrified before I started volunteering…. that building up of confidence from rock bottom even to ground level is hard work. It’s just what needs going through to get there.

I also saw photos of myself at Christmas last year (while I was looking for something else) and thought I can’t have another Christmas as that size. Determined to do something about it. Yet I can’t even think about shopping or food prep on top of everything else just now… maybe it’s just that.

Normally by now, I have thought enough that I have the aha moment…. but not today.

It’s now 16.23 and I feel jittery, like you do when you’ve had way to many coffees. Except I’ve felt like this all day.

Going to switch off for the rest of the day and hopefully that helps and tomorrow is a new day. Write this one off to a not so good one and get over it.

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜

Started an online puppy training course this morning so I’ve covered from conception to 12 weeks so far. Strange to be listening and learning again, though really interesting. Been a long….. long time!

We popped down for a socially distanced coffee with our friends in Dundonald this morning too. So great to catch up, first time for ages I reckon, but sad not to be able to hug! They gave THE best hugs pre COVID-19. Played at coffee shop takeaway with their kids which meant I got lots of biscuits. For free. What’s not to love?!? Also got to judge their art show….. clever Auntie Julie picking mummy’s pic for 1st place and the two girls as joint 2nd. Hysterically when given gold stars mummy’s had fallen into 2nd place with someone jumping to 1st as the stickers got confused. Awwwwww sweetie 💕

I have my coat on today for the first time since early spring I reckon…. it feels like Autumn is really here and the colours are changing.

We left Dundonald and drove up to Hillingdon Industrial Estate in Glasgow as we need a mirror and shower screen for the bathroom. Huge queue at the store we wanted. Thank god it’s not raining. It actually really feels quite warm in the sun… with my jumper and jacket on. Now too many clothes on in the sun?!? 🤨

They queue moved quickly despite there being 15 people in front of us and the store was busy when we went in. We didn’t buy anything but got an idea of what we need and will order on line. So was kinda worth it!

We popped into the supermarket on the way back as we had nothing in the house. I know I’ve said it before but I have no desire to eat real food just now. It’s just too hard for me to think what I want and cook it. I really must try this week to plan a proper food shop. This not eating meat malarkey is encouraging my laziness.

After putting the food shop away… I am shattered, the sun room is warm, the couch is beckoning so I do some crochet and then sit down with my latest book. I am close to the end of it so can’t wait to see what happens so I finish that before settling down to a nap.

The puppers do not want me to nap… they want to have fun…. they have been play fighting, playing with toys, bounding around with each other, barking, jumping on me. I am awake now. When the dogs are awake, everyone’s awake…. 🤣 they are now quiet. Fun has been had.

Can I squeeze some real nap in now?! I even turn down a walk with my lovely neighbour due to complete slovenliness. (Yes it would appear that is actually a word!!)

Another relaxing night for us (that’s all anyone ever does these days I guess…) preparing for the week ahead.

Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️

Just in case you were wondering the moon lit up the sky at 1am this morning… it was stunning….. if only I’d had my phone with me as I stepped out into the back garden?!

Who knew that was necessary. At 1am. 3 full hours after I’d gone to sleep….

Calaidh was barking incessantly at something. The dogs had to stay in the living room last night as the concrete floor is drying out in the hall way. Or maybe she was howling at the moon…. either way as soon as the door was open she didn’t move and stuck to me like glue. Not a peep out of any of them for the rest of the night. Thank you.

As the Jules forecast predicted the rain started quite early this morning and it seems to be here to stay for weeks. It has been incessant all day!

So Craig and I are going to try and “think like a Norwegian” and embrace the winter and darker nights like the Norwegian culture suggest. How long will that last?! 🇳🇴

Think like a Norwegian

One of my friends posted this on Fb and it’s really worth a read. Rather than dreading winter the Norwegians embrace it. 🇳🇴 ❤️

And still it rains…… what a drench day! I’ve done 2 washings and they are drying by the heat of the fire. I have my Gingerbread candle on which smells amazing!

I’ve cleaned away most of the stoor from last week and the bathroom and hall are coming along. It was just nice to wipe up the worst of it!

Day 1 of thinking like Norwegians has definitely worked for me. We have takeaway booked from the pub tonight as Holly is getting back up and running again. I’m having madras……. in front of that fire?!?! I might have to go off and find some snow to lie down in…. 🤨😂🤣

Have a great Saturday night!

Stay safe everyone 🔥🔥🔥

I woke up for an hour or so when Craig went to the gym but then couldn’t move at 8am when we had to take Abbie the campervan to the garage. She has a leak in her exhaust manifold and a very noisy heating fan!

So I made the decision to go with Craig to his job in Greenock so I could walk the dogs in a change of scenery. Yeah I have these ideas and they seem lovely and romantic…. walking dogs beside the sea on a beautiful day…. the reality is a weeeeeeeee teensy weensy bit different from that I have to say.

Craig said this is a stunning view but the sun disappeared as we came down the hill into Greenock.

Maybe my anxiety but Calaidh was beyond excited when we drove off and left Craig.. even Bhru was to a certain extent. By the time they got to the park they all wanted to run a marathon not be stuck on the lead with little old me!

Do you know… as I type that I realise I should correct myself. Even in that heightened level of excitement I got them to sit while I put their harnesses on and wait until I took a pic, put their leads on and then let them out. I need to see that for what it is. It just felt stressful at the time.

Of course now that I’m back in the Jeep waiting on Craig outside the clients house…. the sky is blue and the sun is shining.

I can see this morning that all that stress self generated. I didn’t want the dogs to upset anyone by running fast up to them or past them, didn’t want them to not come back, didn’t want them to pull on the lead so I looked like I couldn’t control them. I pretty much manifested what I got. I now have wet feet too 🤣🤣🤣

Such a beautiful day honestly I feel so alive when the sun shines and I see beauty everywhere.

Once home I made some Pawsitive Solutions calls and sat in the sun! Felt so hot it was lovely. Claire popped into the garden for a cuppa as the weather forecast says this is the last day without rain for about 2 weeks…… let’s see how cheery I am then eh?!? 🤣

The bathroom floor has been levelled today and out in the hall so we can’t walk on it until 11pm tonight! Our spare bathroom is in there too…… My legs are crossed. Long legs Craigie can jump it but I’d have to monkey bar across and that’s no’ happening…. 🤣

A lovely day today. I may have mentioned that. I say it again.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

So I headed up to Auntie Jac’s sharp this morning as she’s been working on recovering the chair for one of my volunteering ladies. It’s the same lady who is 80 this month and I have friends sending through 80th birthday cards. She is sad that her 80th might not come to much as no one can come in her house and she can’t go out anywhere.

It was a socially distanced visit… I can’t be in her house (hence no loo!!!!!!!!) and we can’t touch (no hugs…….) but we went to Sterling Mills for a coffee and breakfast roll as we could walk around with masks on and sit at a table there.

The chair is a-maz-in…. honestly out of this world!!

Auntie Jac even made a cushion with some spare material!

My wee lady was over the moon with it. Stunned into silence. Jac is such a special person for agreeing to do this but I did promise her I will never offer her services like that again!!! So easy to volunteer someone else’s hard work and effort eh?!?

I did say to Jac today that while the lady says how can she ever thank us. I have no idea how I can ever thank Jac for doing this. Such a special thing to be able to do.

On my travels today I’ve been listening to Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast and lots of what I hear has me thinking…. I’ve realised that I grew up seeking validation from my childhood friends. I never thought that I was enough so tried to be the nice one, the compliment giver, the people pleaser. I never really developed a sense of self that I can remember. I preferred to be whoever you wanted me to be. I thought that was a strength of mine as I moved forward into business. I was equally happy on the shop floor chatting as I was in the Exec offices. I could be whoever I needed to be at that moment in time…. but I tried to be everything to everyone. No wonder it came crumbling down.

A lot of healing suggests you are finding yourself but I feel that I am actually reinventing myself. Who am I? What are my likes and dislikes? Who do I want to be?

Answers on a postcard please?!?!?! 🙄😆

Another podcast suggests that we find our true meaning in life when we finally slow down long enough to “loiter”…. I like to think I’ve been “loitering” for the last few years.

I realise that who I was and who I became are not the person that I want be. I used to love being suited and booted and schmoozing with customers. Used to love feeling important, senior management job before I reached 40, earnings increasing year on year, bonuses etc etc…. talking about how much overtime I did, how dedicated I was, how important that made me feel. For what….. nothing. I am so proud that I can see all that now and feel so free to be able to write about it. It just wasn’t me.

Brené ends every podcast with:

STAY AWKWARD, BRAVE AND KIND.

I love that. I feel awkward these days. I don’t fit into a neat box anymore, I upset insurance people by saying I’m unemployed, when I say I lost my job people are so sad for me. Lots of people don’t understand why I am where I am. I tell some that seem like they can take it but others just assume I lost my job through COVID and I let them believe that. I’m brave as I’m fighting every day to keep positive. (Some says it works better than others 🙄) but most of all I try to be kind to everyone. Just not to the detriment of myself anymore. It is not selfish to put yourself first.

I’m looking forward to seeing further insights from these podcasts. It’s like a whole new world of exploration! So a lazy night for me… poor Craig is working later on and I plan to read… or crochet… or read… or crochet…. hmmmm decisions huh?!?

Stay safe everyone 📖 🧶 📚