So I headed up to Auntie Jac’s sharp this morning as she’s been working on recovering the chair for one of my volunteering ladies. It’s the same lady who is 80 this month and I have friends sending through 80th birthday cards. She is sad that her 80th might not come to much as no one can come in her house and she can’t go out anywhere.

It was a socially distanced visit… I can’t be in her house (hence no loo!!!!!!!!) and we can’t touch (no hugs…….) but we went to Sterling Mills for a coffee and breakfast roll as we could walk around with masks on and sit at a table there.

The chair is a-maz-in…. honestly out of this world!!

Auntie Jac even made a cushion with some spare material!

My wee lady was over the moon with it. Stunned into silence. Jac is such a special person for agreeing to do this but I did promise her I will never offer her services like that again!!! So easy to volunteer someone else’s hard work and effort eh?!?

I did say to Jac today that while the lady says how can she ever thank us. I have no idea how I can ever thank Jac for doing this. Such a special thing to be able to do.

On my travels today I’ve been listening to Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast and lots of what I hear has me thinking…. I’ve realised that I grew up seeking validation from my childhood friends. I never thought that I was enough so tried to be the nice one, the compliment giver, the people pleaser. I never really developed a sense of self that I can remember. I preferred to be whoever you wanted me to be. I thought that was a strength of mine as I moved forward into business. I was equally happy on the shop floor chatting as I was in the Exec offices. I could be whoever I needed to be at that moment in time…. but I tried to be everything to everyone. No wonder it came crumbling down.

A lot of healing suggests you are finding yourself but I feel that I am actually reinventing myself. Who am I? What are my likes and dislikes? Who do I want to be?

Answers on a postcard please?!?!?! 🙄😆

Another podcast suggests that we find our true meaning in life when we finally slow down long enough to “loiter”…. I like to think I’ve been “loitering” for the last few years.

I realise that who I was and who I became are not the person that I want be. I used to love being suited and booted and schmoozing with customers. Used to love feeling important, senior management job before I reached 40, earnings increasing year on year, bonuses etc etc…. talking about how much overtime I did, how dedicated I was, how important that made me feel. For what….. nothing. I am so proud that I can see all that now and feel so free to be able to write about it. It just wasn’t me.

Brené ends every podcast with:

STAY AWKWARD, BRAVE AND KIND.

I love that. I feel awkward these days. I don’t fit into a neat box anymore, I upset insurance people by saying I’m unemployed, when I say I lost my job people are so sad for me. Lots of people don’t understand why I am where I am. I tell some that seem like they can take it but others just assume I lost my job through COVID and I let them believe that. I’m brave as I’m fighting every day to keep positive. (Some says it works better than others 🙄) but most of all I try to be kind to everyone. Just not to the detriment of myself anymore. It is not selfish to put yourself first.

I’m looking forward to seeing further insights from these podcasts. It’s like a whole new world of exploration! So a lazy night for me… poor Craig is working later on and I plan to read… or crochet… or read… or crochet…. hmmmm decisions huh?!?

Stay safe everyone 📖 🧶 📚