It’s currently 6.03am and I’ve been awake since 5.07 precisely. Had a great sleep, out for the count until the traffic outside woke me.
I’m reflecting on my day yesterday and how I’ve gone from doing nothing to being absolutely terrified making 2 or 3 calls a day for Pawsitive Solutions to making 12 yesterday and booking 6 in one day.
I was brought up to be a good girl. I’m sure we all were. I very rarely put a foot out of place as I wanted to live up to the expectations that my parents had. I didn’t want to upset anyone. I didn’t go boozing in my mid teens, didn’t go to crazy wild parties, was always a bit of a home bird and felt panicky when I was away from mum and sad for any length of time.
When I was 17 we took a family holiday down south and my brother and I had to get the train back up at the end of the second week as we couldn’t take a third week or our Saturday jobs. As the train moved further away from mum and dad I grew increasingly anxious and spent most of the next few days in floods of tears because they were so far away and I missed them. I kept thinking of the huge distance between us and it was gut wrenching! Now, I wonder how many of you reading this are thinking “holy shit”…… most 17 year olds would be organising the party on the way up on the train!! Hmmmm I say that and wonder how we organised anything back then as no mobiles… I guess, get home, make the calls, then party. Nope not me…. mum and dad ended up coming home early as I was in such a state. I will always remember we were at Auntie Marion’s for dinner on the Saturday night after work… phone rings. Mum and dad are home. My anxiety/panic fly straight out the window. Balance has been restored. No, I don’t need to drop everything and run to them, having a lovely time having dinner at my Auntie’s….. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😳😬
All I ever wanted to do was to please others. Make people feel good, make them smile, make them feel proud or happy as a result of who I was to them.
I did not count in this equation. I did not matter to me.
Then go and put this girl into the big, bad corporate world. Where most people eat folk like me for breakfast.
I hid it well for a very long time. I kept going. I fought the fights. I won some battles. I was the golden girl for a good few years who could do no wrong. I was in my happy place. Making everyone proud of me, pleased with me…. blah… blah… you see how it worked.
I had no idea what I was doing to myself at the time. I was gradually destroying myself from the inside out. Over the years I grew horribly defensive, about everything. I had to be that person at work… I had to supply reasons in the blink of an eye as to why my team should not be to blame. I had to cover all angles, all aspects, control the work of others who have their own personalities and did things differently. Defence became my best form of attack. I began to believe that I was truly worthless…. I did not matter. I took the full force from Senior Management, absorbed it all, probably blew it up out of all proportion too but tried my hardest not to pass it on to my team. How the hell was I expected to motivate them if I made them feel like shit too…. I needed them onside, to get the best out of them at all times.
I’m actually shattered writing all of that. I lived this for years.
I dieted, drank wine to numb the pain, ate like a pig, spent money that I didn’t have. All to try and make me feel that wee bit better.
None of that worked.
Then boom… in September 2018 it all falls apart when I just can’t stop crying at work and I have to leave. Jeez I’d been crying for years but not on that scale. My mind was empty. I couldn’t read the simplest of emails without hitting the roof and having no idea how to even deal with it.
Yesterday has changed something for me. I can see the healing, I need to forgive myself for all those bad years. For everything I did that will stay with me for the rest of my life but I can’t let it define me anymore.
I’m sure there will be some hiccups along the way…. but I am not that person anymore. I’ve very open about my mental health struggle but have always read that true healing comes from vulnerability. Don’t think you get anymore vulnerable than this….
There are still triggers along the way that bring out “the worst” in me but I have learned how to deal with them. I need to identify them early on and work to manage them until each one becomes second nature.
I want to lift everyone else up too but from a different place this time. I think I did it all before because I felt I had to. Now I will do because I choose to.
It’s now 6.46am and I could sleep now… maybe I’ve bored myself?!?! It’s out of my head now and I can relax before I see what the rest of today has in store for me!
So given all this clarity I have today, what a great time to have a Kinesiology appointment with Shelagh Cumming.
I didn’t feel any particular need to work on anything specific today so we agreed on continuing to clear the way to my future.
At one point I had to say “I am worthless” over and over while Shelagh worked her magic and all of a sudden I said “I am worth this!” It’s not often you get one of those wow moments but I did today! There are 3 things that are going to help me in facing my future head on.
- Writing (surprise!) Where I can explore a particular feeling or reaction or attitude and to try to understand it. I find that I can forgive myself when I write all of this down.
- Work as making the Pawsitive Solutions enquiry calls just now is helping me gain back a confidence that I had lost.
- Expressing myself which allows me to be fully open and honest, no secrets just a vulnerability that leads to healing.
And finally….. (never start a sentence with “and”….) my body has suggested the time has come to cut out high sugar and high fat foods and eat more fresh fruit and veg and to enjoy it. I’ve been talking about weight gain for ages and Shelagh always says it’s not been the time as there have been other issues to deal with…. today is that time. That’s my homework!
So after all this soul searching since the early hours of this morning I am pretty shattered. It’s a good shattered though. The sun is shining although it’s blawin’ a hoolie outside (very windy) so I have washing on the line but have to keep making sure my smalls don’t end up in the beer garden 🤭😆 If the wind would die down I think it would be pretty hot.
That leads me to a funny story this morning…. we were thinking of going away camping this weekend (we can’t now as the guy who is picking up the roof top tent can’t get here till 7.30pm on Friday night and the Jeep’s in the garage that day too) so I was checking the weather forecast for Millarochy which is on the banks of Loch Lomond.
I couldn’t believe that while this weekend looks ok at home weather wise… Milarrochy about an hour or so North was showing 25C on Friday and 29C on Sunday!!!!!!!! I mean wow!!!!!!!! Yeah…… naw….. I was looking up some place called Mellrich in Germany. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😬😆 explains a lot….. 🤦🏻♀️
Back home, feet up and just gonna enjoy the heat in the sunroom away from the wind outside. Still keeping an eye on the washing. Still have to choose bathroom tiles…. I’m drawing this out somewhat and will end up with the ones we saw first…
And finally…. that must have been the push we needed…. we have ordered the bathroom tiles!!! We actually got a really good deal given some we were looking at…. the difference in price per square metre is shocking…. so that’s one less thing to worry about.
Now settling down to watch something to pass the night away and just got the washing in before it rained.
Another good day today with a lot of revelation in it for me. Will have an alcohol free beer to celebrate! Cheers!
Stay safe everyone 🧡💜❤️