Day 106 a tad emotional 😪but very productive 🧽🚿🚽🛁🛏

Yeah the day was never going to start the best as I woke up to the self flagellation of why did I drink wine last night, why did I think I needed it, what good did it do me??? Over and over (and then some).

Went out a walk with wee Rachel and Leo from next door. Was lovely and warm in the sun. A few pics to follow…. surprise, surprise!!
Beautiful girl
There’s a stone in here somewhere!!
Rachel took Leo and Freya and I had Bhruic & Calaidh

When I got home I threw myself into some housework to keep my mind off things…. I scrubbed and cleaned and hoovered almost like it was a punishment for my losing control last night.

I don’t handle drink well these days and I have to control myself on a daily basis not to touch the stuff… always said I would be totally honest in this blog… I could scoot past it and pretend it never happened but then I don’t learn anything from it. The rosé wine was talking to me since we stocked the pub fridges on Sunday in preparation for it opening. A nice pale rosé was always my thing on a sunny day. I thought about buying one from the pub on Sunday but didn’t and it was in my head all week. After all this time of not drinking wine, what made actually reach for it…..

A desire to be the same as everyone else. A desire to fit in, not to be different. A desire to be “normal”.

I’m jealous of others that they don’t need the self control that I do. It’s hard work being In control 24/7. All the reasons why I stay off it are long gone at that point. The wine witch is telling me it will all be ok and I can just have one. One wee glass. I can never stop after one glass, one becomes two and two becomes four. Thankfully that’s all I have but I don’t remember much after the third glass, I come home and try to start an argument in an empty room. I don’t try…. I do and I keep going and going and going.

I am not that person anymore.

And yet last night I was.

I had a emotional freedom tapping call at 3 today and as you can imagine it frees my emotions for a good hour and 15 mins….. We worked on a “Fear of being imperfect” today and boy did that hit a spot. I set myself some pretty high targets, sometimes unattainable targets so I fail to hit them on a regular basis.

The work I’ve done in the last year and a half is to learn that I am enough. I may be imperfect but that’s ok as we all have our own imperfections that make us who we are.

So end of I’m moving on…. in COVID news there’s been a further announcement in lockdown easing today in Scotland.

Scottish Government 9 July 2020

Stay safe everyone 💙🤍💙

Day 105 volunteering, some work on the Jeep and a wee evening in our local

Up with the larks this morning…. coffee, shower and out to Beith Trust for volunteering with Abbie the camper van!

Had a lovely volunteering day… everyone was so in need of a good chat and I’m only more than happy to oblige! I took one lady some jam sachets that she wanted and she was so chuffed she tried to kiss and hug me and I had to say “you realise you can’t do that” which I was really sad about. She was so chuffed and took my hand and I knew what she meant. That made me smile as my Nana always said “she took me by the hand…” miss my Nana who died a few years back.

One lovely man almost had me in tears as he wanted to donate to Beith Trust and have a a huge donation while I was delivering his food…. he said “I want you to know I don’t need charity” I told him “this is not charity, this is us helping you as you can’t go to the shops right now as it’s not safe with the virus around”. He still gave me a cheque for a huge amount of money which was for his holiday that got cancelled for this year. What a lovely, lovely gesture from a lovely man. Made me feel very humble.

Home at about 1.30 and had lunch in the glorious sunshine… was so nice to feel some heat in the sun. Then Craig decided that he had some work to do on the Jeep… that is usually grounds for divorce in our house but I had my best behaviour on…. chief helper….if that’s even English…. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️😆

Surprise delivery from Jeepey…. wonder if it’s parts for my VW?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😆
The old plate got taken off and left the dust of the JKS that was on the plate that covered the old wheel carriers… I had to clean that with baby wipes…. 🤪😊
Brackets ready for removal
Bhru thought she’d come out to show support in the family Jeep work!
New spare wheel carrier bracket work in progress
Oh my word there are clouds gathering……
The new really heavy and supportive bracket!!!

All ready to go just waiting on the tyre carrier – boy done well and girl took good photos…. 🤔
The sky looks so ominous…. the rain is coming!
We popped into the pub next door for the first time since it opened! Cider for Craig and Alcohol free Kopparberg for me.
Then the heavens opened so we moved under the canopy to stay dry, it was still fairly warm
And then I ordered a glass of rosé wine.

So this needs investigating… I stopped drinking on 2nd January 2019 and never planned to give it up for good but actually found that my quality of life was so much better without it.

When the pubs closed on Friday 20th March I had wine that night and only showed myself why I didn’t drink. I didn’t like the taste, didn’t like the way it made me feel blah blah…. ever since we helped stock the pub the other day the wine witch has been calling to me…. telling me I can just have one and it will be fine. I’d even said to Craig if we go to the pub and I say I want wine, don’t let me have it. That’s not fair to put on him as I told him last night that one would be just fine…. then I’d just have a wee second glass.

I just wanted to be the same as everyone else… I guess it’s a fear of missing out? Why can everyone else have alcohol and I can’t?

Yet… again this morning I know why I can’t… I don’t want to be the person it turns me into. It goes into my system so fast that I don’t remember everything that happens. I lost my glasses last night and couldn’t find them anywhere (this morning… turns out they were still in the van!) so I couldn’t see to write this properly even although it was already half way through.

So yeah let’s put it into perspective. I had wine last night and I don’t like how it makes me feel… It reminds me of who I used to be and I am working hard to have a better quality of life than that….end of. I might need to work hard today to stop the self flagellation…. 😔

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜