Day 106 a tad emotional 😪but very productive 🧽🚿🚽🛁🛏

Yeah the day was never going to start the best as I woke up to the self flagellation of why did I drink wine last night, why did I think I needed it, what good did it do me??? Over and over (and then some).

Went out a walk with wee Rachel and Leo from next door. Was lovely and warm in the sun. A few pics to follow…. surprise, surprise!!

Rachel took Leo and Freya and I had Bhruic & Calaidh

When I got home I threw myself into some housework to keep my mind off things…. I scrubbed and cleaned and hoovered almost like it was a punishment for my losing control last night.

I don’t handle drink well these days and I have to control myself on a daily basis not to touch the stuff… always said I would be totally honest in this blog… I could scoot past it and pretend it never happened but then I don’t learn anything from it. The rosé wine was talking to me since we stocked the pub fridges on Sunday in preparation for it opening. A nice pale rosé was always my thing on a sunny day. I thought about buying one from the pub on Sunday but didn’t and it was in my head all week. After all this time of not drinking wine, what made actually reach for it…..

A desire to be the same as everyone else. A desire to fit in, not to be different. A desire to be “normal”.

I’m jealous of others that they don’t need the self control that I do. It’s hard work being In control 24/7. All the reasons why I stay off it are long gone at that point. The wine witch is telling me it will all be ok and I can just have one. One wee glass. I can never stop after one glass, one becomes two and two becomes four. Thankfully that’s all I have but I don’t remember much after the third glass, I come home and try to start an argument in an empty room. I don’t try…. I do and I keep going and going and going.

I am not that person anymore.

And yet last night I was.

I had a emotional freedom tapping call at 3 today and as you can imagine it frees my emotions for a good hour and 15 mins….. We worked on a “Fear of being imperfect” today and boy did that hit a spot. I set myself some pretty high targets, sometimes unattainable targets so I fail to hit them on a regular basis.

The work I’ve done in the last year and a half is to learn that I am enough. I may be imperfect but that’s ok as we all have our own imperfections that make us who we are.