Find it funny that this is the worst weather we’ve had this year and it’s not been given a name… we seem to have been naming every gust of wind in the last few years trying to be like America. Coronavirus comes along and finally we have more important things to think of than naming the front that’s come in. I for one am kinda glad as it was always a bit of a joke! Check me… it used to annoy the life outta me and now I’m searching for a name… any name, this storm needs a name…. 💨🌧💨🌧💨🌧💨🌧
So we had a lovely afternoon yesterday binge watching The Newsroom with Jeff Daniels. Watched 6 or 7 episodes I think and ordered a takeaway from La Dolce Vita in Lochwinnoch. Now I realise that doesn’t help with the diet but we got some great news yesterday about an endowment policy maturing and it’s done way better than I thought it would. Still have weeks to go on it but we were celebrating. Any excuse huh 🤷🏻♀️ so a pound on overnight, less than 10k steps done but a lovely day.
Today feels a bit rough. I have that, can’t-open-my-eye thing today. I woke to messages from a friend in the States who’s son is experiencing some mental trauma. He terrified them last night with a cry for help. An angry, loud, sad cry for help. It made me think back to how bad I felt on my worst days and how mental health can really trick you into thinking your life is worthless. So yeah, this blog might be deep but I think these words are hugely important to help us recognise when someone needs some real help and support.
This is a short online training course that teaches us how to handle a potentially suicidal situation. The things to say to help support….
I reckon that most of you who knew me before all this thought I had it made? Great job, lovely handsome hubby (some guy with no beard who looked about 12 😬😘) and 3 gorgeous dogs and no kids. A gorgeous country cottage in a village with the best neighbours. It all looked great from the outside but inside I was crumbling. I am a people pleaser who put everyone and everything before myself. I gave my all to everything I did, nothing my half for me. Get to know me a bit better and you would realise that I was a stressor… I overly worried (and still do) about everything. Things that some people took in their stride were a huge stress for me. A glass of wine, or a pink gin were the only things that would take me away from my worries… a crutch to force me to relax and we lived next door to a pub! Result!! I was building up debt. I was so miserable that I would think I work so hard that I deserve a, b and c AND x, y and z…. 😳 credit cards maxed out and juggling 0% balances all over the place while trying to keep a job that would never allow the level of perfection I needed to see. It was an impossible situation. The hopeless tears had been on and off for years, the yo-yo dieting, the saving calories so I could have a wine. The blackouts after a few glasses. I’d be the life and soul, wanted to be the centre of everything, be funny make people laugh… but the “fear” of not remembering the “fear” of having to be told what you’d done, who you’d spoken to and how. I saw Craig as an extension of myself therefore in blackout I treated him like shit. It had to change. There was no Big Bang, no ultimate decision to stop drinking but a quiet start to dry January and just keep going. Funny how one of my worst drinking moments was on a work night out where I had 3 strong lagers with the boys in Bier Halle in Glasgow, before I had any food. I enjoyed being one of the lads at work. Joined in, matched them round for round. They all thought I was heading safely home as I wandered about the streets and lost an hour and a half completely. Could have been sleeping in a door way or just walking around the city… but the time I was more alert and phoned Craig I couldn’t explain where I was. It was heavy snow that night too. I remember crying, being sick, walking and yet somehow found myself in a taxi on the backroads to East Kilbride when I finally “woke up” around 4am (we lived there at the time) Craig was so worried, he’d gone looking and couldn’t find me so had to head home.
So the worst of that was I didn’t stop drinking until YEARS after it. I didn’t see the signs. The guys are work we’re horrified that they hadn’t seen me home but I was a hero in the office. How truly shocking that being in that state made me seem cool… it came up in conversations for years. (As an aside you should have seen them run when I started talking about how heavily reliant I’d become on having a drink…. it’s comical actually how quickly it turns from cool to taboo)
Anyway, no Big Bang like that but a realisation that I had to take control of my life. So if you think it’s bad up until that point… this is where the real crash came. For the next 7 months I spiralled downwards at a rate of knots. I had counselling every week and Kinesiology every 2nd week. I tried everything I could to feel better and yet somehow kept feeling worse. It was all coming out. The suicidal thoughts started around August last year. By December, I finally found a doctor who would really listen to me. She realised she had to change my medication and fast. I was beginning to think that everyone else’s life would be better with me not in it. I was a burden to everyone as I was always crying, always sad, always moaning. I had to keep pretending I was ok. I’ve said all along that the support I had was amazing. You see people’s true colours when you need support like that. Yet despite it all I still felt it would be easier for everyone else if I wasn’t here. I write this now with tears in my eyes as how can anyone think that is true. There are people in this world that have way less than I have support wise so what chance do they stand. Every day was and can still be a fight… a fight to get through “it”, that thing we don’t talk about.
She (the doc) had me on a close watch through December and into January. Booked me appointments herself and I was the first person she saw at 9am 27th December so I knew I had a doc to see as soon as the festivities were done. It really helped. I’m attaching a few pics of me during this time as I want you to see that you would just never know from the photos… at least I don’t think you can..
Anyway this has taken a few hours, a few tears… I had no idea what to blog about today until I woke to that. I just think it’s really important to share every now and then. Part of healing and strength comes from true vulnerability. From sharing your worst thoughts. For me it’s a part of my healing journey. Please look out for people you know and if it helps one person it will have been worth it 💜🌈❤️
The only coronavirus news that I see just now are people being angry at others for not following the rules. The politicians who told us to stay home but travelled to see parents… etc. Scotland now have a 4 phase plan that will see Craig being able to do some more work from next week as long as he stays out of peoples houses. Think by phase 3 he will be able to meet people in their homes again.
So as lockdown life moves into phase one next week I will have to start thinking of what life means for me. This blog’s been pretty deep today so I’m gonna leave it there. I’m ok so don’t want anyone worrying. Only 2.5k steps to do!
Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️🌈