I got into bed at 8.30pm last night .

I even started watching “I’m a Celebrity” at 9pm on my phone. I very rarely watch anything like that but I was really interested to see how Matt Hancock got on entering the jungle. (For those who don’t know, he was our Secretary of State for Health and Social Care from July 2018 to June 2021 right through the worst of COVID and I’m a Celebrity is a show where celebs go live in the jungle in Australia and have to do all kinds of yucky challenges before one of them being crowned King or Queen of the jungle. Was that the longest sentence without punctuation?!?) He actually seemed to do pretty well. I thought he might get ripped to shreds. That might still happen but he doesn’t seem scared of the jungle challenges. Anyway I’m not sure where I’m going with all that…. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I opened my eyes at 5.45am and I knew instantly I felt better.

I’ve stopped the progesterone for a fortnight. I haven’t taken any since Tuesday night.

I felt like a weight had been lifted. Getting ready for work felt easier. The stroppy, tantrumming child had gone. My step was lighter.

I drove to work and marvelled at the sunrise. I enjoyed the drive. I was grateful.

So many things went right at work too. Parts came in that we really needed, things fell into place. I crossed things off my lists. More importantly I even remembered to look at the lists in the first place.

I made a clear decision to call the Gatehouse Clinic in Irvine to make an appointment to get a Mirena coil fitted. This will release progesterone internally, way more slowly than the fortnight of pills. My gut tells me this is the right move.

So that went well……. 😳

The receptionist balled down the phone “THERE’S A HUGE WAITING LIST” then asked if it was for contraception. When I said no, it was for HRT, she seemed so chuffed with her reply “WELL YE’LL NEED A DCOTOR’S REFERRAL THEN”…. Almost triumphant in her victory and getting me off the phone. 😳

That is not what my doctor thinks.

So I made a quick call to the doc to pass on that message. Hopefully she’ll get back to me soon.

I feel a bit despondent but NOTHING like I would have yesterday. What would have been the end of the world yesterday, was only a minor hiccup today.

At lunch, the guy working on Abbie the camper van brought her back.

She’s still not fixed by she has new rear arms and hubs, bushes and bearings yet she still had a wobble. Particularly on acceleration. He wasn’t sure where to go next.

So I paid over the £422.22 and was close to tears.

Tartan boss took control and got the boys to swap my big wheels back for the smaller, normal wheels to see if that helped. It was really good of him to do that as I don’t know what to do next.

I took her out for a test drive and thought it was much better.

It took me a minute to get back on track with work as my mind was desperately trying to find a way to dwell on the negativity of the situation. To over-dramatise it.

I did get back on track though and got lots finished off before finishing. It was a good day!

Driving home I’m sure there’s still a pretty bad wobble on acceleration. I’m not imagining it…. as much as I want it to go away.

The noise in my head has gone, I feel like the depression has lifted and the calm is so welcome. I’m tired but nothing like it was. I’ve not been scrambling for energy today. I’ve eaten well.

I’ve always said the calm after one of those spells is the most amazing feeling. The relief is immense.

I’ve got the Memorial Hall Committee meeting tonight to discuss fund raising. It doesn’t start till 7.30pm. 😳

I will try to stay awake until then. As I write that I am smiling. I’ve got this today.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I was in bed by 8.30pm and slept right through until 5.45am.

I had a nurse appointment this morning just for a blood pressure check which was 115 over 78 (whatever that means… I really should look that up) and my resting heart rate was 61.

I stayed in bed until 7.45am and although I wasn’t sleeping I was snoozing, which was sooooo good. Love a wee cheeky lie in.

When I did get up I felt ok, but the anxiety and breathlessness started to kick in as I felt I was running out of time to get ready.

I couldn’t figure out what to bring for lunch as we’re on this 6 week challenge at the Farm, but I’m not concentrating on buying the right food, so I was all over the place about that. I need to eat more protein and veg but my focus just didn’t there.

Do you know even as I write this I’m stressed at reliving the anxiety of this morning. It’s so tiring feeling like this.

I couldn’t find the doctors surgery… couldn’t remember how to get there. Took two wrong turns until I finally figured it out. My mind wasn’t focussed properly.

By the time I got there I was “up to high doh” as mum would say. I couldn’t figure out whether or not to head in early or wait outside until nearer the appointment. How long would it take me to walk in to the surgery blah blah blah….

I got out the van and walked straight in (with my mask on!) and sat down. It was THAT easy.

I talked to the nurse and she suggested making a doctors appointment to discuss how I’ve been feeling these last few days.

The doctor called me once I got to work and was super lovely and listened to me as I talked through my tears.

She gave me some options…..

• Stop taking HRT altogether
• Reduce the oestrogen by halving the patch
• Reduce the progesterone by getting the Mirena coil fitted which emits a smaller amount of progesterone

I honestly have no idea what to do. That brought the tears again. I’m just so tired.

I really hoped this would be some magical fix and yeah I’ve given it a whole two weeks and I’m crying coz it’s not working yet…. Ridiculous eh?! I hear myself.

I’ve decided to skip the exercise class tonight. I have my jammies on already. I’ve cooked dinner which is something.

I just don’t fancy eating anything much really except junk and sugary snacks. Desperately seeking that energy boost in all the wrong places.

But it’s all enough. Everything I’m doing just now is enough and I’ll get through this wee down spell and come out stronger.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I am soooooo tired today, super lethargic.

I have yawned my head off a fair bit of the day.

I was up to the loo at 12.30 and then awake at 4.45am for the Fit Body Farm. I did not feel fit this morning… everything was an effort but at least I went and did everything we were meant to do. There was no “buzzing” about my workout this morning. More a wee candle flicker 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

It’s a dark and wet day. That mirrors my mood. I have to say I am a lot better than the weekend as there are no tears today and that’s a huge bonus.

I can cover every thing else up, I’m a master at hiding my mood at times (some folks might laugh at that!!) but when the tears want to come there is no stopping them. It’s the one thing that you can’t hide.

So today has been ok apart from my serious lack of oomph.

I’m frantically searching for energy and the huge amount I have eaten today is not going to cut it. I just need sleep.

I came straight home and into my jammies. I clicked at some point today that I forgot to change my oestrogen patch last night 😱 it’s not the end of the world and I changed it as soon as I came home. I’m getting a dab hand at the slap dash of plastering my back myself. 😂

Craig already had the fire on. I had leftover lasagne…. Do you realise I am almost eating that for every meal these days?!? I love it!!

I love this next one….

So big time self care for me tonight. I ain’t moving and am gonna have a very early night. I have the nurse at 8.50 tomorrow for blood pressure tests so I will try to pass on the message re my reaction to the progesterone and see if they suggest anything.

I also get a wee teensy weensy lie in! Bliss.

Oh and finally The little gift shop won the Best Independent Retailer at Scottish Business Awards 2022, last night! I’m so pleased for Gayle. She thoroughly deserves it after all her hard work!! I’m proud to be a part of it now too.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oh jeez…. Someone remind me I thought this HRT malarkey might be a good idea… 😳

My emotions are raging and I’m all over the place.

I’ve noticed that I’m taking offence to everything, I’m overreacting and things that are said, I’m taking everything as a criticism from everyone. I am being very rude and defensive in my comments.

Then due to that I’ve found myself wobbling a fair bit. The tears are burning at the back of my eyes and can spill out at any moment.

I’ve cried on and off all morning, when I’m not crying I’ve tried to sleep. Craig’s escaped out to wood cutting this morning. He’s really good when I’m like this but he’s safer out of the way.

I have the Macmillan coffee afternoon in the village hall today but I’m not feeling like I can face anyone so I’m gonna hide in the kitchen.

I get some morning housework done through my tears, I may as well be productive. 😂

I know this isn’t the real me. I haven’t been this upset for a long time. It really is just the change in hormones.

Progesterone side effects are low mood and irritability. ✅✅

I head across to the hall for about 12.30pm and didn’t get back home until after 5. Judging by the amount of crockery I washed, it seems to have been a great success! Looking forward to hearing the total!

This cake was raffled. How lovely does it look?!

And here are some of the cakes…..

This was to die for……. ♥️

Also randomly felt the need to get a photo with this giant jar of Douwe Egberts coffee.

I still feel pretty fragile and I’m shattered but I went today, didn’t let anyone down, did loads to help and if it wasn’t for this blog, no one would really know what was going on in my head.

That’s why I write this, so many of us have difficulty with moods and emotions and we just never know. We can hide it so well.

We have the fire and candles on… saving power 😂 we have a tray of cakes to finish off though I’m not sure I can take many more. So much for the health kick today.

Hey, I can’t do it all.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I woke at 4pm as “someone” got up to the loo…. That was us wide awake. I am sleeping very heavily but when I wake, the mind is whirring. This morning I was singing Kate Bush, Babooshka…. Over and over in my head…. It’s a track from my Tuesday night exercise class…. Over and over, the same line over and over and over 😂

Finally got up at 5am and got ready for the Farm. It’s soooo dark in the mornings now but Fridays I get a lift with Craig. (Keep forgetting to say that Abbie the camper van is in the garage again…. This time it’s her rear. I finally had enough of her hirple at the back end. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 she needs new rear arms, bushes, hubs and bearings. Needy much. A mere £422.22pence, precisely. I’m driving a Tartan camper at the moment which my Tartan boss has kindly let me use!)

Anyway I’m digressing… back to 5am. My first period in about three or four or five or six months appears….. erm thank you new hormones…. I immediately feel the stomach cramp kick in. (I am sorry about all this very personal chat but if this is to help any other women out there then we need to normalise talking about these things…. I realise some people sailed through menopause without anything but I’ve potentially lost my career as a result so I’m gonna scream it from the rooftops and am very proud of the celebrities who have brought this to my attention).

So…. The farm was great. I worked with Cathy this morning and we kept each other motivated. She often tells me that she loves reading the blog as so many of the other girls say, just thought she’d like a wee mention this morning 😆 We worked hard!

As we drive home the sun comes up and it’s a beautiful day so we decide to take the dogs straight out. It seemed much colder. There was cloud coming over the hills and a rainbow forming.

We had our first frost this year.

Check the size of the sun.

And the colours of the autumnal beech hedge against the blue sky.

Yet still the cloud is coming….

I love this next shot. It made me smile to be with my wee family this morning.

The rainbow finally fully formed, bearing in mind I’m walking looking backwards all the time. Craig turns round and I’m not there 😂😂

He should know by now I’ve stopped to take photos. 📸

I came home and got started on the housework… eradicating dog hair from the house once again then was almost late getting ready for work. Time flies when you’re hoovering. 😂

I’ve been in the little gift shop today and as usual it’s been really lovely. Lots of lovely customers to chat to and we restocked lots too.

I am exhausted by the time I get home. My stomach and back ache. My feet and legs are jumping and I walk in to the smell of lasagne cooking!! I could honestly live on Craig’s lasagne!

We have all the candles on, the fire lit, feet up and watching SAS Rogue Heroes on tv.

I might have an alcohol free beer. Cheers!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Why on earth am I sooooo tired. I have literally yawned my head off ALL day.

I don’t just mean one or two yawns…. Once they started they just never seemed to stop. I’m yawning as I write that 😂😂

I slept really well and only woke at 6.10…. I did have some strange dreams though and woke with a headache.

It’s been a beautiful day…. Cold but some blue sky and lovely sunshine. After the torrential downpour of yesterday, it’s been welcome.

So I’ve not been as exuberant as yesterday but I’ve not been a woeful as Tuesday either. Just a kind of tired, middle of the road.

As I left work tonight I realised the sun was huge and low in the sky. I literally took a left turn and flew to the coast. I only just made it before the sunset…… it was beautiful.

As I ran up the sand dune, the sun appeared.

The tide was in and the sound of two tankers reverberated across the water.

I stood on the dunes and breathed in the lovely sea air.

I have so many other photos and tonight WordPress is not loading them for some reason. Frustrating!

So anyway…. In other news I am 1,400 days off the booze today. Check… me….

Wine was my coping mechanism….. I have faced the last 4 years of my life, the most difficult 4 years of my life, without that crutch. I’ve not been able to numb the pain, I’ve had to suffer through every minute detail. I say that as if it was taken away from me. I chose to go without. I didn’t like the person I had become.

And here I am…. She who lived and breathed by where the next glass of wine was coming from… 1,400 days! I can’t believe it, I’m blasé saying it as I feel like I’m talking about someone else. I never, ever thought that this would be possible.

So I’ve spent the evening in Claire’s tonight, in front of the fire having a good natter with. a Turkish Apple Tea. It’s good to talk.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

This has been me today…..

Channeling my inner zen. 🧘🏻‍♀️

I’ve said this so many times, but, what a difference a day makes!

I am a different person today.

I have no tension, my joints feel relaxed, I have no pain. I feel much lighter. I’ve been relaxed, I’ve been calm, I’ve been quite excitable. I would go so far as to say I’ve been buzzing today.

Yesterday’s stressful issues and terror moments are just decisions to be made today. The overthinking button is switched off.

Nothing changed. Except that I gave myself a big shake and fought every bit of my mood yesterday to head over to that exercise class.

There was no part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to curl up in my jammies, eat chocolate and feel sorry for myself.

While we think that helps, all the sugar would have made me feel worse in the long run. Even as I typed that I scream out inside that it would have been soooooo good. That voice inside my head thinks it knows better.

So maybe the class just broke the negative cycle?

Despite my sore joints yesterday, I was able to do most of the exercises and the music and vibe made me smile. A lot.

I slept like a log until the usual about 4.30am…. I know that’s ridiculously early but it still felt like a great sleep.

The Farm came easily to me today. I upped my weights any chance I could, but, when I headed out for a run and spotted the sunrise, I rushed back in for my phone. Honestly I was bubbling. 😂😂

By the end of the work out it was even brighter! I ran back to the car park again after stretching and before my showers

By 7.30am, the sun was up.

Yet that was the last I saw of it….. the forecast was atrocious today.

Thankfully the only storm today was the one raging outside the portacabin! See what I did there, could I be more cheesy?!?!

I’ve had a great day. Made even better by the darkness of yesterday.

It’s time to change to HRT patch number 3 and since Craig’s out, I might have to apply this one myself.

What could possibly go wrong?!? 😆

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️