Wide awake at 3.45am. My mind was wandering. No amount of āforcingā myself to sleep was going to help.
I should start by saying that my head is actually in a good place before I moan a bitā¦. Iām shattered tonight. Itās hardly surprising.
The Farm has been really difficult these last few workouts. Iām stiff and sore. I feel like a lead weightā¦ but Iām still doing it. My knee twinged again this morning. I feel like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz who just needs a good oilingā¦.. that probably came out all wrong and I can hear some sniggers up the back. šš
Iām listening to Davina McCallās book Menopausing for the second time. Iām soaking it all up like a sponge.
900,000 UK women have left their jobs because of menopause symptoms. Iām not in the statistic. How many other women are out there that have gone through the same as I have? Itās shocking!
Iāve been a wee bit anxious, a bit nervous, a bit irritable but my head underneath all that is still good. Overall, still calmā¦. And it feels like a great place to be.
We fell back last night. I LOVE having the extra hour. We just remarked on that as we sit having morning coffeeā¦ could we just have this every Saturday night please? š
I woke at 4.30 which would have been 5.30 and then went back to sleep until 7 which would have been 8. Itās light again in the mornings for a few weeks. Yay! Might get a decent sunrise again at the Farm. If it ever stops rainingā¦.. š
So I decided I had to come shopping today as I am running out of time to get something to wear to my birthday bash. Iām having a wee afternoon tea in the village pub for family and then friends from 5pm.
My intention is to hide at this party but may not entirely be possibleā¦.. so I thought Iād like a short dress with tights and bootsā¦.. oooh how wrong I may have been.
I drove up to Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow in TORRENTIAL rainā¦. To see what I could find.
I parked as close as I could to the shops and ran into M&Sā¦. Where better to start?!?!
A jump suit?!? I was messaging photos to Craig and to Claire for a wee bitā¦.. this was Claireās fav and Craig said it looked like a boiler suit and all I needed was a hard hat ššš
Nopeā¦..
This one was definitely my favourite shape but it just didnāt work for meā¦.
Love this colour but the dressā¦. Nope.
This was super comfy but did nothing for me!
Looked great on the model who had no boobsā¦. Nopeā¦.
And finally Iāve chosenā¦ā¦ Iām way happier in my own clothes. Yay! Winnerā¦. š
I loved this jumper dress from Vanilla.
Loved it but the lady in the shop told me I couldnāt wear this to my party. I bought it but she made me promise not to wear it. I thinking this might be a lovely birthday actual day outfit! The lady in the shop thought this was a better choice!
I then moseyed through the shopping centre and found New Look.
This one wasnāt badā¦..
This next jumpsuit very comfyā¦.
A horrific, definite no!!
Another definite noā¦.
I LOVE THIS JUMPERā¦ā¦..
By this time Claire had had enough and actually jumped in her car to come to the rescueā¦ and you will watch as you her young glam steps in!!!
Someone actually thought Claire worked in the shop!!! Iām not surprised to be fair as she really knows her stuff, I mean check the size of those heelsā¦.
Still really noā¦. Even in a bigger size!
This one reminded me of a velociraptor in Jurassic Parkā¦.. I couldnāt unsee thatā¦..
So honestlyā¦. Despite trying on clothes I have not even thought of wearing for the last 4 years, I really enjoyed it. I donāt embrace my body or my size but it is what it is and I have to work with what I have. Craig said no matter what you wear you canāt hide whatās underneath and while that may sound a bit harshā¦. I knew what he meant!
This next one is the favourite for nowā¦. It was so lovely to Claire too come up and help me.
And this just sums the whole day upā¦..
I laughed way too hard at that!
This day has gone on forever. Itās still only 6pmā¦ itās amazing how long and extra hour actually feels. It got dark at 4.30/5ish thoughā¦.. the nights are fair drawinā in š
We made pizza for dinner tonight. It was such a thin crust, itās lovely.
We start a Transformation Contest at the Farm tomorrow for the next 6 weeks. We pay Ā£20 and whoever loses the most weight wins the money. I won it last year so Team Avery are all set and raring to go. Bring it on!
I just have my 50th birthday smack bang in the middle of it this timeā¦.. hey hoā¦. What could possibly go wrong?!?
Just before I go, tonight is HRT patch changeoverā¦ itās still sticking in place despite trying on all of these clothes which I think is pretty impressive. Letās see what next week bringsā¦.
I had a day off the little gift shop today and Iām not gonna lie, I really missed itā¦. Sad huh?!?
Instead I headed directly across the road to my neighbour and hairdresser, Elaine, for 9am.
Today was new hairdo day. Just a fresh set of balayage highlights and some babylightsā¦ who knew that was a thing?!? I have some babylightsā¦. Bless š
Horrific huh?!? šš
More importantly I got it cuddle this little gorgeous pup the whole way through! She fell asleep on my knee through the blow dry š„°
Iām really pleased with the end result. So natural but itās just a bit brighter than my natural colour. It just gives it a wee lift.
Itās now 4.30pm and the last 4 hours have disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Iām sat in the bedroom watching soppy, girly movies and crocheting.
My blanket is coming together nicely. Craig has the dogs watching football in the other room. Every now and then one of them sneaks out and bounds all over the blanket š¤¦š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļøš donāt know why I have a laughing emojiā¦.. šš
So the update on HRTā¦. My patch is still in place and hasnāt come unstuck. Iām a lot less aware of it now. The progesterone is helping me to sleep like a log.
So many lovely women are sharing their story and it means so much to me. I hope this encourages us all to talk about it. If someone has suggested this to me a few years back I would have been all over it.
I think the biggest learning for me is that finally I feel like I have an answer as to why all this happened to me. Iāve finally accepted that the past is ok but itās the past and itās what I do now that matters.
Weāve been on the pub this evening for a fewā¦ alcohol free gin for me! Itās been lovely to catch up and have a chat with our lovely neighbours.
Hereās the boy himselfā¦ weāre just home now, comfies on and a bit of tv until bed.
I am actually too tired to write but you know meā¦. Iām sure the ramble will come from somewhere š
I am living life without a second thought to my HRT patch now. The only concern I had was in the shower when I felt that it might becoming a bit unstuckā¦. Iām no longer making every movement with kid glovesā¦. Does that even mean what I want to to mean?!? Hopefully you know exactly what I mean.
We had such an amazing night in the little gift shop last night. š š¼šš
My friendās daughter had arranged a wee night where she brought 10 family and friends for a VIP shopping night.
The shop looked super festive.
They were such a lovely group of ladies, we had Christmas tunes playing, we had candles lit and twinkly lights twinkling. It was just lovely.
I got home at 9.15pm and didnāt sleep great as I was still buzzing from my ā12 hour shiftā. In my old job I would do that on a daily basis some weeks and almost think nothing of it, my penance for having that jobā¦. How times have changed. yesterday wasnāt a chore at all.
I was wide awake about 4.30am in time for the Farm. The joysā¦. š
I really struggled this morning, my knee was niggling, my energy levels were low. It wasnāt my best work. Itās still a lot better than just staying in bed so at least I went.
Itās always nice to come home from the Farm a Friday as Craig drives and I sit like a lady of leisureā¦. When we got back I had coffee with Craig before going out with Holly next door at 8.30am, on two, yes TWO separate dog walks!! I took Calaidh out with her and Leo on the first and she was so kind to come on my next walk with Bhruic and Freya!
I honestly didnāt even notice that I had done two walks as we were so busy chatting.
I came home and did an online Asda food shop and by this time it was already 10.48am. Gayle had said to me to start at 12 today instead of 11am, as weād been late last night and yet I never got any of the rest I had plannedā¦.š¤¦š»āāļø time flies when you have so many dogs to walk.
Shower, hair dry and straight down to Beith to the little gift shop at 12.
Itās been another really good day and a lovely customer brought Gayle in some Scottish tablet. It was sooo good and I had 1.5 pieces which will be a whole lotta caloriesā¦. š
Check this mug outā¦ā¦ how cute?
We also got a delivery of Christmas ducks and penguins from DCUK.
I am really struggling to be nice now. Least Iām honest, Iām tired and canāt be assed cooking dinner as I have to sit and write this. The hormones arenāt kicking in yet as Craig has suggested to the dogs. He is right. For onceā¦. Not againā¦. š¤¦š»āāļøšš
The fire is on, the candles are lit and I plan to relax as Iām not fit for much else šš
Last night 26th October 2022 at 6.30pm precisely I started HRT.
Itās funny that Iāve been thinking about and investigating this for a month now and the actual act itself is pretty underwhelming.
I took what looks like a plaster, out of a box, and stuck it on my backā¦. Well Craig stuck it on my back as Iām not sure how Iām meant to get round there and stick a plaster myself. Iām sure that will come.
My HRT clear, square patch is in place.
(I should say here that I am so grateful that I did it have to fight my GRP for it as so many women donāt even get to this stage).
I scan my bodyā¦ā¦ well actually I donāt exactly, I grab my crochet as Iām late and rush to the pub next doorā¦.. I grab and alcohol free gin and slimline tonic from the bar and sit with the girls with the biggest grin on my face, scanning my insides for any sign.
Nopeā¦. There is noneā¦.. unless, can I feel the oestrogen flowing through my body?!? Nopeā¦. but the more I think about it, the more I wonder what it might do the more oestrogen I get will I be ok will I feel funny oooh I feel a little dizzyā¦. Oh do I feel faintā¦. Keep smiling itās totally fine, youāve got this girl, you can do this, this is what your body needsā¦ do I still feel faint, oh my god what if I pass out what if I canāt handle it then Iām stuck with these awful feelings foreverā¦.. keep smiling itās ok keep breathing slowly calm down.
None of the ladies would have had a clue what was going on in my head, although I bet they read this and smile. I guess it sums me up at the moment and this is the next piece of the puzzle. This is the bit that needs to go. The overthinking, the anxiety, the nerves, the panic.
I manage to stay upright through crochet but I still feel nervous like Iām waiting for somethingā¦.. I pretty much get straight into bed after 8pm when Iām home. Craig is watching the football.
I can feel this patch on my back like I have a china teapot stuck to the back of me. I lie against the pillow, should I lie on my side, my front, instead. Nope back is ok, will the electric blanket heat affect it, should I turn it offā¦. (Thereās no punctuation in these internal monologues so Iām typing it like it comes outā¦.. š)!
I relax a bitā¦ā¦ but now I have to negotiate the progesterone. I have to take two tablets before bed on an empty stomach and they will make me feel drowsy. The tablets are like tiny wee round balls. My first thoughtā¦. Well what could go wrong with that? You drop one and it goes bouncing across the floor only to be followed by my ball obsessed border colliesā¦. Tennis balls š¾ tennis balls š¾
I fumble them out of the pack to try and ensure thereās no bouncing involved and swallow them both with water.
I lie there and go through pretty much the same dialogue as the above. Before it gets too crazy I switch out the light, pop my eye mask on and Iām off. (I digress but if youāve never tried an eye mask then I can highly recommend oneā¦.. itās transformed my sleep!)
6.20am I wake upā¦ā¦oblivious to Craig coming to bed last night and the fact he left Calaidh in with us. Not. A. Clue.
Quick scan. I still feel like me. Patch still in place. Now I have to have a shower with it on and make sure it stays there. Next āhurdleā.
As only I could, I overthink this to the nth degree and try to shower without getting my back wet. Iām in the most awkward shapes and posturesā¦. Until I snap at myself and just get turned around and shower as normal.
Itās still there. I still feel like me. Iām still aware of this flashing beacon on my back but I try to ignore it as much as I can.
Letās say ignoring a potentially life altering moment is not my strong point. š¬
Iām still nervous driving in the dark, on edge again this morning on the way into work.
Yet work is really good. We have a good planning meeting and everything seems a bit more clear in the un up to Christmas.
I have both jobs today though as I am in the little gift shop tonight as there is a private Christmas shopping party booked in. One of my friends daughters has booked the party so Iām chuffed I get to be there too!! Service with a big smile!
Iām also managing to squeeze in a wee half hour massage with Norma in Harmony before I head into the shop.
Iām tired just writing it all but despite it all, I feel good and still calm!
I slept like a log last night. It was a great sleep!
In my excitement to tell you all about the HRT last night I didnāt mention that the living room, kitchen and sunroom were shining like a new pin when I got home last nightā¦. All signs of dog hair completely eradicated, well for 5 minutes at least. Craig had a cancellation at work and this was the result. Winner!
I had my lovely wee exercise class in the village hall last night. It was great fun, always puts a smile on my face and my knee behaved. I came straight home (across the main road so itās hardly likely Iād go elsewhere), into the shower and then straight to bed!! Finally turned the lights out after 9.
Up at 5am sharp for the Farm and it was a good one this morning. My aches and pains seem to have diminished for now so I was ready for action!! What a difference from last week.
Itās a very autumnal morning.
It was pitch black at 7.30am when I left and there are no lights on at allā¦. Itās back to needing a head torch to get back to the car, it was SO darkā¦.
When I did set off for work down the teeny tiny single track roadā¦. My worst fearā¦. I met a milk tanker. š±
There is nowhere to go but backwards and there is a car behind me.
Adrenaline literally washes right through me as the panic escalates until I almost canāt think straight. Iām on the phone (hands free) to Craig at the time and he calmly talks ne through it. I couldnāt see behind me as the trucks headlights were burning my eyeballsā¦ā¦ thankfully the car behind realises he needs to reverse as do I. Like wavy davy all over the road until I finally reach a passing place. Iām cringing and super anxiousā¦. Heās past me and itās over as fast as it happened but Iām still shaking. Iām nervous all the way to work.
Isnāt it sunny how simple things affect us like that. My body went into full fight or flight mode.
Thankfully the day has gone much better than that though randomly, she who doth not a hot flush getā¦. Has a beaming hot face most of the afternoon. Itās so hot itās on fire.
I drove home via the chemist and I actually have HRTā¦.. š¤šš
Now I just need to figure out what Iām gonna do with it!! š¤¦š»āāļøš
For those who are interested I have Evorel 50 or oestrogen and Utrogestan 100 for progesterone. As a funny aside I love that my phone spell checker is likeā¦ yup sheās gonna type oestrogen again, progesterone this timeā¦. So I donāt have to remember how to spell them š
My mood is good. I feel like I am taking control. I am going to start it tonight.
Itās a very autumnal evening too. I made dinnerā¦ not the healthiest but itās tuna pasta bakeā¦ Craig just walked in the door as I swanned around my freshly prepared dinner, posing next to it and he said ācheck you and youāre not even on HRT yetā¦..ā šš he told the dogs it was the first time Iād made dinner in 3 yearsā¦ā¦ lies I tell youā¦. All lies š
and played ball with the dogs.
In half an hour Iām off in the pub next door as itās Hookers night.
Actually I just looked outside as I wrote this and spotted this lovely sky.
It was actually surprisingly easy and the doctor was super lovely.
For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you may remember the doctor that really listened when the depression got really bad and she kept in contact with me just before and just after Christmas just to make sure that I got through it, at that time.
I sent her a card when I felt much better to thank her to listening when so many other doctors hadnāt really heard my cry.
I donāt know if she would even remember thatā¦. But she asked how I was just now.
I explained all of the symptoms Iāve been feeling over these last few months.
I told her that I know Iām not despressed and yet I still donāt feel like me. I told her that the old me never really returned after my depression. I feel like a shadow of my former self.
I told her that I was slightly concerned that it may only ever have been a lack of hormones that caused it all. So many women have said the same.
She very calmly explained that as a doctor, they get to see both sides of the coin. They see people who are suffering from clinical depression and people in need of HRT and they have to make the judgment of which medication to prescribe.
I told her that anti depressants had changed my life so I didnāt regret taking them but I didnāt feel that I needed to be prescribed more.
She told me that they were a Surgery that were very supportive of HRT. Since I am 49 (she won points for not saying ānearly 50ā) then I will be peri-menopausal and the symptoms I have listed are very common.
She asked if I had hot flushes ā
Did I have poor sleep quality ā
So she agreed that she would like me to trial HRT for the next 3 months and we will have a follow up call to see how itās going.
She has prescribed oestrogen patches to be changed twice a week and a progesterone tablet to be taken at night for a fortnight on and a fortnight off. This is because Iām still peri menopausal and not menopausal. Once I hit menopause the progesterone would be daily. I think. itās exactly what I hoped for.
So itās body identical cyclical HRT.
I am excited to start this new journey and see what unfolds. I am hopeful that the extra hormones make a difference to my Brian fog and forgetfulness. (Yip I noticed it says Brian fog and not brain fog as I read that back and it was too funny to change it! It actually sums it up completely. š)
I hope that I can gain my old confidence back and stop hiding.
Let the journey begin. Tomorrow. When I get the prescription š
I was asleep on the couch by 8.45pm last night. Could not stay awake! Finally dragged myself off the couch and into bed just after 10 only to lie there wide awake š and listening to someone else sleep very soundlyā¦.. just saying š¤¦š»āāļøš
Think I woke a couple of times but nothing makes the 5am alarm any easier.
It was sooooo dark this morning. Even by the time I left the Farm at 7.30pm.
We had a great workout but my legs felt like lead on most of the runs. That could be a result of a day lounging around yesterday!
I was really nervous this morning. I was anxious about the drive to the Farm, then nervous walking into the gym, then petrified when I heard a noise in the background while I was drying my hairā¦. I was properly spooked!!! I imagined someone walking round the corner and being visible in the dark mirrorā¦.. No idea where that came from and it was gone by the time I got to Tartan HQ. Thankfully.
Work went really quickly today. One minute I was hot, the best I was freezing. Hoody on, hoody offā¦.. itās just the time of year.
šš
So Iāve nothing much new to report. I have my docs appointment between 11am and 1pm tomorrow.
I have all my symptoms at the ready. I am armed!
Oh and Craig made lasagne again so I came home as he left and he left me with the whole thing!! (I may have left it in a bit too longā¦.. but under that crusty exterior is a succulent white sauce and bolognaiseā¦.. amazing, again!)
Iām getting into bed early tonight wonāt be electric blanket on and Iām so looking forward to it. Life in the fast lane huh?!
After a very busy four weeks, I have had the laziest day and done precious little.
I stayed in bed until just before 10am. I was in that really foggy doze like state where I just couldnāt wake up enough to do anything. I only got up when I really felt I should and even then I was a little bit grumpy š
I was meant to meet my neighbour Fiona for coffee this morning but I was far too tired to even think about getting ready. I hate letting anyone down at short notice but Iāve learned that I have to do what feels right for me at the time. The people pleaser in me would never have put myself first but I know otherwise bow. I needed to rest.
Thankfully today I genuinely just needed rest and nothing more.
Itās ended up being the loveliest of days. Weāve had the fire burning, thereās no heating on so itās cold when you leave the living room but itās cosy in here.
The housework still needs doing but hey, thatāll have to wait. Itās surprising how fast a day of nothing goes. Iād love to do it all again tomorrow.
I have my gym bag ready for the morning. I have my lunch ready for tomorrow and we have a food shop being delivered in the next hour.
Weāve watched Aftershock, Everest and the Nepal Earthquake this afternoon on Netflix. There are 3 episodes and itās a fascinating watch. Itās hard going at times. We have a friend who was caught in it and I think that makes it so much more real. I canāt believe what he went through.
Our world has been shaken by COVID and yet an earthquake like this is just another level. Whole villages there one night and gone by lunch time the next day.
Very, very sad.
So, I think Iām about 3 or 4 weeks in to a very calm head run. Iām still calm.
Iāve had mini wobbles, today there have been a few tears. I canāt tell you how grateful I am to be calm for this long though. The peace is deafening.
I woke up at 5.45am when the dogs barked at something. I felt really exhausted but wide awake at the same time. I couldnāt get back to sleep.
I am soooo tired. Maybe 6 days or work for the last 4 weeks is catching up with me?! Donāt get me wrong, I am loving the work and think itās playing a huge part in my new calm front. I think this is the longest stretch without unnecessary anxiety. I donāt have time to overthink.
Iām enjoying thinking about what to wear to work and even putting makeup on. (Should say I even took all my makeup off last night before I went to bed!! I never used to do that!)
But I am tired.
I got up at 7 to walk the dogs before work. It was still pretty dark when we set out, but surprisingly mild.
I had a lovely walk. I didnāt want to do it but ended up really enjoying the peace and stillnessā¦ except for the 3 crazy pups running around in the field!
The shop was busy and the time flew byā¦. It really has just poured down all day. Itās hardly stopped.
So thatās me done until Monday and now weāre in the car heading up to Craigās mums. We havenāt been here for far, far too long. I donāt know where the year has disappeared to!
Itās now 8.10pm and weāve had the best time! Weāve eaten until we burst and talk the hind legs off a donkey. Itās been so great to catch up and have such a lovely spread. Iām obviously driving and Iām on my second bottle of Nozeco. I love the stuff and love that I donāt feel left out when Iām not drinking. My in-laws always have a feast selection of 0%.
Hereās Calaidh, Bhruic and Freya waiting outside while Cookie the Chihuahua has her dinnerā¦. The doggy dinner queue!
Itās 9.04pm and Iāve run out of dayā¦.. it started at 5am again with a killer but fun session at the Farm. Team Avery finished our Hyrox Time Trial in 27 minutes which was pretty good going since weāve both had some time off.
Back home and straight back into bed with the electric blanket on for a heat!
Iāve taken some more photos of the little gift shop today. There are loads of lovely Christmas things in now.
The day went quickly as usual but Iāve been tired today. Straight back into bed when I got home for a wee Nana nap before we headed back into the village pub for a 40th Ruby Wedding Anniversary party!
So being very rude writing this at the table, just finished the loveliest buffet. Got makeup on tonight for the first time in likeā¦ forever!!
Thanks to Claire for messaging me today to tell me itās International Sloth Day todayā¦ I mean who knew?!?
Iāve never seen a thing so itās obviously not the widely ācelebratedā š here are some sloth factsā¦.
Anyway, back to my sleep patternsā¦ā¦ š I slept from 9.30pm last night right through until the alarm at 6.30. Wow.
I did have a random dream that a customer at Tartan reversed into the workshop, got out his car and walked over to us smiling, as bits of the roof started to fall down. We all rushed outside and watched as half of the roof fell inā¦. I mean, come onā¦. Where on earth does that come from?! It wasnāt a customer we knewā¦ so random but it felt very real.
In the meantime I am SO grateful for a full nights sleep. Could it be so simple that a trip back to the Fit Body Farm has tired me out rather than the lethargy of lounging around? Maybe. I was in bed with the electric blanket on from 8.30pm after crochet last nightā¦. Bliss!
It has poured with rain all day today, itās been torrential and I got soaked filling a water bottle for a customer as the hose head came away from the tapā¦. This has happened beforeā¦. I should know better. š
Oh yesā¦.. and we lost our 44 day Prime Minister today. I was in the workshop when she announced her resignationā¦. We must be the laughing stock of the rest of the world.
The Daily Star decided to see if she would last longer than it would take for a lettuce to go off.
The lettuce won.
Liz Truss has never contracted Scotlandās First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon since sheās been in office. Nicola said that sheās ok with that now and she will wait to hear from the 5th UK Prime Minister to be in power since sheās held office in Scotland. Iām glad we at least have some stability up here.
Anyway after some dull political newsā¦.. I laughed way too hard at this next oneā¦.
Also check out the amount of grapes that Craig has picked from our vine in the greenhouse. Heās going to make jam with them!
Enjoy the rest of your international Sloth day! šš
Well I remembered. Thanks to everyone who messaged to spite me into action. Iām so saddened by some of your stories yet heartened by those who feel like new women.
I have a telephone appointment call on Tuesday between 11 and 1. Better prep for that at the weekend to make sure Iām not caught out when she calls and fluster my way through it.
It will be the middle of my working day so hereās hoping Iām not with customers during that time. Even that part is difficult to negotiate is t it. You have to wait for a cal over a 2 hour period. I am not complaining just stating how it is.
So, head held high, back straight and present her with the facts. Need to make sure I have my list with me as Iām sure my head will empty at the time when I most need it.
My doctors surgery only allow you to talk about HRT to the 2 female doctors that job share. One is on holiday this week and the other, sadly, canāt make it into work today and they are not sure when sheāll be back.
So Tuesday it is.
In other news I finally managed back to the Fit Body Farm this morning. My knee or more likely, leg is still not right. I have twinges of a cramp as I move around but it wasnāt the pain that Iāve been feeling. It was dark the whole work out todayā¦. What a difference a few weeks makes at this time of year. The sunrise was just starting when I left at 7.30am.
The sky was a lovely pink.
By the time I got to work it was much more orangey redā¦. Here is my cuddly toy selection including Waverley Bear, showing off the sunrise.
And a zoom inā¦.. just beautiful!
I had a mad rush after work. Quick trip to Asda which turned into a random pointless wander around a supermarketā¦ I was so tired, I couldnāt think straight at all and each aisle just bought more confusion. I got to Ā£60 odd quite easily but Iām not sure any of it goes together. I did the scan and goā¦. And I was selected for a random Shop scan at the checkouts.
The first thing she scanned in my trolleyā¦ I hadnāt scanned. The old me would have burst into tears. This calm, but tired, me just shruggedā¦ and smiled and said sorry, rolled my eyes at my lack of concentration.
I rushed home and Craig had made dinner, which was very lovely of him as I had a half hour before I headed out to the village pub for the crochet hookers weekly meet up!
So from day trips on paddle steamers to a good old āletās get talking about the menopauseāā¦.. you just never know what youāre going to get when you tune in, do you?!?
Iāve been wanting to write about this for weeks now and yet Iāve been reluctant to speak up about it. Even now Iām cringing but Iām going to do this.
I have so many wonderful female family members and friends that will have already gone through the menopause and never cracked a light about it. We are not taught about it in schools yet some women are walloped in the face with some pretty life changing symptoms. The women I know all just seemed to get āon with itā.
We all know that the menopause starts when your periods stop and people get hot flushes and for most of us, Iād say thatās about all we know.
That is certainly all I ever knew.
My mum, Gran and Aunties sailed through menopause just like I did on the Waverley on Sunday. šš¤ Neither up nor down, just taking it all in their strideā¦.. as far as I knowā¦. Or did they?!? No-one really talks about itā¦.
There are many menopause warriors out there now, banging the drum for menopause to be talked about and understood. For all you men reading this, you will likely have a significant other who will experience symptoms or a mum, gran or auntieā¦. So donāt be thinking it doesnāt relate to you. šš
For all my lovely post menopausal family and friends who made it through the other side without a blipā¦. Or for all of you who suffered in silence. I salute you.
I am going to shout about this loud and, well if Iām quite honest, not very proud at the moment as Iām dealing with the early stages of learningā¦ and feeling nervous about talking about itā¦.. but I know I will be very proud soon once I take it into my comfort zone.
I stumbled across Davina McCallās book Menopausing the other week, I may have mentioned.
I had Audible credits that I wanted to use up before I cancelled Audible (cost cutting exerciseā¦ saves Ā£7.99 a month!) and I hurriedly downloaded 5 audio books suggested for meā¦ this being one of them.
I started to listen on my drives to and from work.
Oh my word. (Keeping it clean hereā¦)
All of sudden I am listening to women who have gone through a similar journey to me in the last 4 yearsā¦..
Women with a career who literally fall apartā¦. Hulloā¦. Moi?! ā
Women who canāt stop crying in the work place. ā
Women who try to hide themselves away from the world. ā
Women who become anxious at everything in life. ā
Women who take irritability and rage to the next level for no real reason. ā
Women who are terrified that they had become a burden and think the world will be better off without them ā
Women who are prescribed medication for anxiety and anti-depressants for depression ā
Women who then feel suicidal when the medication doesnāt seem to be working ā
Women who lose their high powered jobs under a cloud with no thanks or presentations for their long service with the company ā
These women drop out of the rat race and are left to fight for their mental health every step of the way when they are at their lowest ebb. ā
Soā¦ the relief to hear all of this is immense as I realise that I am not alone.
Davina makes that very clear. I am not alone.
56% of women drop out of the workplace due to menopausal symptoms. Think how much experience and knowledge the world is missing out on if 56% of women are overwhelmed by their symptoms and donāt get enough support to carry on.
So in the meantime, Iāve asked Craig to get me her actual book for my birthdayā¦ bang goes the cost cutting exercise there but I need a physical copy. š
I asked him last week if heād bought it yet because if he hadnāt, I was going to. I didnāt want to wait. I needed the copy to re-read sections I couldnāt remember. It arrived by Amazon that actual dayā¦. And now I have it. š¤
I think this could be the reason for my calm mood for the last few weeks. I finally click that there may be fundamentally nothing wrong with meā¦. And yesā¦. Because Davina told me and not because I have actually come to that conclusion myself yet.
I still have a way to go with not feeling like I failed in life. There are some lovely female senior managers in my last work that are still going strong and sail through the day to dayā¦. Therefore I must be weak because I didnāt.
Davina says no. Stop that thinking straight away.
Okā¦.. I will try.
Also if there is a chance that all of this was because I am perimenopausal then I have to say I am a little bit angry that there was no support for me.
I was brushed away under the carpet with shame.
From what I have gleaned over the last few weeks, there is a very good chance the HRT will resolve the majority of the issues I have faced. Replacing natural hormones in my body with body identical hormones. The balance app explains it way better than I ever couldā¦.
Who knew. š¤·š»āāļø
Women have never lived this long so itās only fair that we have some help in doing it if we are struggling. We should not be ashamed (still dealing with that oneā¦) and we should not have to ājust get on with itā.
Replacing hormones has given so many women their life back.
We donāt have to hide and be invisible any more. Half the worldās population go through menopause. It is not something to be ashamed of or whispered.
I knew I was going to write about this todayā¦. Then I had a customer in this morning who started talking about menopause and basically told me everything that I have now written about. Another amazing manifestation.
So I phoned the doctor. I ate that frog.
My surgery is now running same day appointments and thereās no space left today so I have to call at 8am and make sure I get one of the female doctors who will be able to discuss HRT.
Oh my god I actually did it so tomorrow will be easierā¦.. I have listed my symptoms.
I am ready and armed with the information I need. I am doing this. (Unless of course I forget to call tomorrow because I am busy ššš¤¦š»āāļø)
Strangely I now feel more exhausted than I have in a few weeks, Iām irritable and tired tonight. Iām going back to the Farm tomorrow and going to work around my knee if that makes sense. Iām missing tonightās exercise class in the hall to rest. A very early night tonight I reckon for the 5am alarm tomorrow morning.
Yesterday was the final sailing of the season for the Paddle Steamer Waverleyā¦ the last sea fairing paddle steamer in the world.
A few of us got talking one afternoon, in our local village pub, about trying to book a trip on 16th October and in the end there were 15 neighbours that set off in a minibus at 11am yesterday.
We were sailing from Largs on the west coast of Scotland, out to Rothesay on the Isle of Bute, then to Tighnabruaich on the mainland, down past Ettrick and Scalpsie Bays on Bute and around Inchmarnock island and back the way we came, stopping at each port on the way.
The trip lasted almost 6 hours.
We got a beautiful day for it. Itās Scotland, mid October so it could go one of two ways but we were very lucky. I had five layers on and spent the first 3 hours in only 4 layers!
With a hatā¦. Of course!
Since we had arrived so early in Largs, we had time for a walk around in the sunshine and time to capture the first sighting of the PS Waverley as she āhoved into viewā (shameless Blackadder quote)
The Millport Pipe Band are playing her into port. Honestly the bagpipes would bring a tear to a glass eye!
(I should say here in true Rambling Sloth fashionā¦. I am feeling quite uncomfortable, not sure where to put myself in such a large group without Craigie boyā¦ a trip like this doesnāt float his boat š¤š but the feeling doesnāt last long and I soon relax).
We embark to The Skye Boat Song. My emotions runneth overā¦. š
Her maiden voyage was 16th June, 1947 and my maiden voyage was 16th October 2022. This was her last sailing of the season and it made it a very special trip.
Leaving Largs at 1.45pm
We set sail for Rothesay on Bute.
Iām obsessed with the colours of the flags against the blue sky and of courseā¦ the Scotland flag.
When we arrive in Rothesay thereās a guy in a kilt on the dock with long hair and no top on, posing as the Waverley steamed in behind him!! We spotted him further up the coast in Rhubodach on Bute again about half an hour later. (Yes, I know, the guys were all saying it would be a different story if they were all ogling some topless womanā¦)
Anyway, I digress, we drop off and pick up passengers in Rothesay and head up the coast towards the Narrows on the East Kyle of Bute.
This was the view looking back towards Rothesay.
Itās just such a beautiful ship. We go for a wander around and leave our precious spot up the front!
I have no idea whatās going on below deck but thereās a whole new world awaiting you down there!
The engine room is fascinating.
You can look through portholes to see the paddles flying around. This is not the best photo!
The rooms are all so old and ornate looking. I could imagine people in Victorian times, sitting around drinking teaā¦. Yet it was build long after that!
Even the bathroom is pretty special!
Not to mention the stepsā¦
Here we are at Tighnabruaich and the sky is changingā¦ the clouds are coming over. There is a lone piper playing here. Itās beautiful.
We set sail down the west coast of Bute and the east coast of Inchmarnock island heading out towards the Isle of Arran.
Goat Fell looks mystical in the cloudy sunshine.
This is the southernmost point of our trip when we turn back up and sail around the west coast of Inchmarnock.
We got a few selfie shots through the day!
The Narrows are amazing. The ship has to sail between these bouysā¦. It doesnāt look like it will fit!
To the right we have Bute and to the left the mainland.
As we sail down the East Kyle we spot these white houses on the mainland near Colintraive. Apparently these were built for 6 daughters and their husbands but the father didnāt approve of one of the marriages so one of the houses is built behind the others and not in the obvious space. Fascinating!!
We are sheltered by land here and the wind has died right down. Itās so calm.
We head back into Rothesay on our return journey. As Waverley leaves each port thereās a tannoy announcement thanking the people of the ports for supporting the Waverley and itās passengers. Three short blasts to say goodbye. That tugged at the heart strings!
We make our final journey back out from Rothesay to Largs. Itās cold now and the wind has picked up but really the first time Iāve felt the cold all day.
And finally heading back into Largs. Again the ship thanks Largs for its support. It feels a real privilege to have been part of this trip.
The Waverley is. It done yet and still has to sail to the Clyde stopping at Greenock and back to the Glasgow Science Centre.
Iāve rushed off the board and hared up to the Cumbrae ferry jetty to catch these next few shots. Itās lovely and calm and her lights reflect on the sea.
She gives 3 short blast to say goodbye to Largs.
And is on her way again.
I had THE best day. A lovely group of people and a very special cruise to be a part of.
I could have done it all again todayā¦.. and there are hundreds of photos I have not used. š
Back to talking about my sleep patterns and how happy or sad I am tomorrowā¦.. š¤š
So we have a wee āvillageā day trip to Largs to pick up the PS Waverley and cruise over to Rothesay on Bute, then to Tighnabruaich then down to Scaplsie Bay and Inchmarnock on the west coast of the Isle of Bute and back the way we can I believe. Itās been a rough week weather wise but we seem to be lucky enough to have a wee window of calm and sunshine this afternoonā¦. Fingers crossed.
This is the last sailing of the 2022 season. Itās the first full season she has sailed since 2018.
We have a minibus picking us up at 11am at the Gateside inn to take us to Largs where we board the PS Waverley at 12.45.
I hardly slept at all last night which is more likely down to a large Indian meal last nightā¦.. oopsā¦ but Iām raring to go. Hereās some info on the ship from the Waverley Excursions website.
Oh wow. I have had THE best day!! I have a gazillion photos to sort through. Iāve been out on deck all day. Itās 6.30pm and weāve just left Largs in our minibus home.
I will post some photos just now and then write it up properly tomorrow when I have more time.
Wow, wow, wow and wow. I thoroughly recommend the Waverley in 2023.
We have new jewellery in which I priced up before putting it out on displayā¦ the lovely chunky silver bracelets at the bottom of the stand.
The diet is still going wellš³ ā¦ check the colour of this french fancy!! We were buzzing after all those e-numbersā¦. š
A customer came in looking for a lovely vase and wanted some flowers in it. Gayle used to be a floristā¦. Look what she did!!!
Isnāt that beautiful!!! She then wrapped tissue and ribbon around it. We were blown away by how easy she made it look. Once again I pity the poor person that asks me to do thatā¦ā¦ šš but I mean that in the most positive way as I know that I can learn to do it. She has years of experience!
As soon as 1pm came, the heavens had opened againā¦.. it was pouring and I got soaked running back to the van. I only live 5 minutesā drive from the shop and once I was home it was quite nice looking outā¦.. I should have known otherwise though. š¤¦š»āāļøš
Here I am sitting on the step into the bedroom, getting the dogs ready to go outā¦. There is dog hair EVERYWHERE!! We donāt remember it ever being this badā¦.
Look at my leggingsā¦ā¦. I mean, COME ON!!!!
We hadnāt been out for much more than 5 minutes when the hail shower hitā¦. They were big hail stones and they were sore! I started laugh screaming and the dogs didnāt like it one little bit, they all cooried into me and I hunched over the three of them to protect them but the hail stones were really sore!! I tried to turn around to go back home but I couldnāt walk into them, just had to turn my back until it stopped. We cuddled into a hedgerow! All the dogs tails were curled right under themā¦. Poor souls. I was drenched and freezing but carried on our walk as we couldnāt really get any wetter.
Claire spotted me walking home!
I had left the back door open by mistake, so not only had to dry the dogs off but the door, the walls and the floorā¦.. š³
I had to peel my soaking wet clothes off my freezing cold skin and the shower was stinging so I had to turn that down to almost cold to acclimatise.
We then had a āpup-in-goonieā photo shoot!!!
Bhruic did not get the āstand tall and straight and perfectlyā memoā¦ā¦ š¤¦š»āāļøš¤·š»āāļøš she just doesnāt sit like a ladyā¦.. š
For the last hour Iāve been sat on the couch in a Christmas onesieā¦. Defrosting.
Iām heading next door to Claireās for a takeaway tonight as she has an emptyā¦. Craig gets an empty by default. š Looking forward to a great catch up. Craig commented that he hoped I wasnāt going in this onesieā¦.. Iād love to but Iād have to crawl through our loft space into her house as I couldnāt go outside in this šš¤£š¤£š¤£
Here we are and I am in real clothes!!! I crept out the house without speaking to a dog. A wee Nosecco toast!! Hereās to a lovely evening!
Then tomorrow Iām off on a day trip with a dozen or so other neighbours. Weāre going on a cruise on the Paddle Steamer Waverley.
I am super excited as Iāve wanted to go on the Waverley for a very long time!
We meet her in Largs at 12.45 and have a minibus picking us up at 11am. Good times!
I didnāt go to the Farm again this morning but I did do lots of foam rolling of the old quad muscle. Itās still not right but Iām hoping that itāll get better soon.
I swept up the random dog hair tumbleweeds lying around, those that magically appeared overnight, put on a washing, had a shower, washed my hair, dried my hair and wait for itā¦ put on a weeeeee bitta makeup. Check. Me.
I was leaving for work, feeling bloated and fat after a week of no exercise and Craig commented that I looked lovelyā¦ awwwww ā„ļø
The little gift shop was lovely again today.
I may have bought myself a lovely pair of fingerless gloves that I do desperately needā¦. I have been waiting for them to come inā¦ honestly!!
I went for the tealā¦.. of course I did, it matches Abbie the Camper van. They are soooo lovely. I wanted the dark grey and mustard too!! It took me all day to decide š
There are some LOVELY thingsā¦.
So we got loads of the new gifts priced up and had great chats.
I was home by 4.10pm and had Craigās homemade lasagne for dinner again. Uh-mAzinā.
Iāve done some crochet and now weāre in the village pub and Iām on the 0% Tanquery Gin with slimline tonic.
The funny thing is, every time I focus on how good my head is, something usually wallops me in the face. Right now, all is good.
Iām working hard, busier than Iāve been in 4 years, coming home from work and doing housework before I sit downā¦. Yet I still manage time to sit down.
The house is COVERED in dog hair. I canāt change that. I can try to stay on top of it but it rolls around like tumble weed wherever I walk. Even after after cleaning it up! Itās just incessant just now.
So hereās a photo of Puppy P as I call him now. Peanut was enjoying his lunch at work today. Check that face!
Iām tired tonight, my knee is still sore but I havenāt stretched enough so I will do some stretches tonight. Iām stiff as a board. š
Iām watching Chesapeake Shores on a Netflix in the evenings when Craigās working. Itās cheesy as, itās sweet and lovely and itās really helping my mood I think.
I played some ball with the dogs.
How funny that Chesapeake Shores just made me cryā¦. š¤¦š»āāļøš
Freya doesnāt it look photogenic at all!!!
Oh my boss was at a conference this week where the guest speaker was a Sarah Furness so has a book out called Fly Higherā¦ Train your mind to feel as strong as you look.
He got me a signed copyā¦. How lovely is that?!? I may have shed a teeny tear but I will read it and report back!!
Quiet night tonight while poor Craigie is still working and Iām resting before a busy weekend.
And will stretch. If I say it twice I have to it. Without getting licked to death by the dogsā¦ the minute I get down on the floorā¦..now that, I canāt guarantee. š
There is precious little for me to say today. Yeah right you say, Iām sure sheāll find somethingā¦.
Iām all talked out!
I went to work. It was busy. The end. š³š
I slept like a log last night. Woke with the alarm. Love it. Iām really sore from the workout class last night though. I found it really hard. My knee was sore again and my whole body felt stiff. I have to do some serious stretching at some point and also more rest for the knee.
Work was a constant stream of customers today which I love. All go!
So I came home, good lengthy talk with mum on the way back, have cleaned the main bathroom, picked up huge handfuls of dog hair, poop scooped the back garden and Iām now sitting on our bench writing this.
It was ATROCIOUS weather this morning. Torrential rain and windy. Yet here I am outside and itās a lovely calm although cold evening. The ivy is looking stunning.
The colour has changed a lot over the last few weeks.
Wish I could take the photos from the same place twice š what a difference a few weeks makes.
So thatās me, heading off into the pub to meet the Crochet Hookers and do some more work on my blanketā¦. And put the world to rights on. Wednesday! Looking forward to the chat.
This makes me smile thoughā¦. It is noteworthyā¦.
The Rambling Sloth š¦„ 