Last night 26th October 2022 at 6.30pm precisely I started HRT.

It’s funny that I’ve been thinking about and investigating this for a month now and the actual act itself is pretty underwhelming.

I took what looks like a plaster, out of a box, and stuck it on my back…. Well Craig stuck it on my back as I’m not sure how I’m meant to get round there and stick a plaster myself. I’m sure that will come.

My HRT clear, square patch is in place.

(I should say here that I am so grateful that I did it have to fight my GRP for it as so many women don’t even get to this stage).

I scan my body…… well actually I don’t exactly, I grab my crochet as I’m late and rush to the pub next door….. I grab and alcohol free gin and slimline tonic from the bar and sit with the girls with the biggest grin on my face, scanning my insides for any sign.

Nope…. There is none….. unless, can I feel the oestrogen flowing through my body?!? Nope…. but the more I think about it, the more I wonder what it might do the more oestrogen I get will I be ok will I feel funny oooh I feel a little dizzy…. Oh do I feel faint…. Keep smiling it’s totally fine, you’ve got this girl, you can do this, this is what your body needs… do I still feel faint, oh my god what if I pass out what if I can’t handle it then I’m stuck with these awful feelings forever….. keep smiling it’s ok keep breathing slowly calm down.

None of the ladies would have had a clue what was going on in my head, although I bet they read this and smile. I guess it sums me up at the moment and this is the next piece of the puzzle. This is the bit that needs to go. The overthinking, the anxiety, the nerves, the panic.

I manage to stay upright through crochet but I still feel nervous like I’m waiting for something….. I pretty much get straight into bed after 8pm when I’m home. Craig is watching the football.

I can feel this patch on my back like I have a china teapot stuck to the back of me. I lie against the pillow, should I lie on my side, my front, instead. Nope back is ok, will the electric blanket heat affect it, should I turn it off…. (There’s no punctuation in these internal monologues so I’m typing it like it comes out….. 😆)!

I relax a bit…… but now I have to negotiate the progesterone. I have to take two tablets before bed on an empty stomach and they will make me feel drowsy. The tablets are like tiny wee round balls. My first thought…. Well what could go wrong with that? You drop one and it goes bouncing across the floor only to be followed by my ball obsessed border collies…. Tennis balls 🎾 tennis balls 🎾

I fumble them out of the pack to try and ensure there’s no bouncing involved and swallow them both with water.

I lie there and go through pretty much the same dialogue as the above. Before it gets too crazy I switch out the light, pop my eye mask on and I’m off. (I digress but if you’ve never tried an eye mask then I can highly recommend one….. it’s transformed my sleep!)

6.20am I wake up……oblivious to Craig coming to bed last night and the fact he left Calaidh in with us. Not. A. Clue.

Quick scan. I still feel like me. Patch still in place. Now I have to have a shower with it on and make sure it stays there. Next “hurdle”.

As only I could, I overthink this to the nth degree and try to shower without getting my back wet. I’m in the most awkward shapes and postures…. Until I snap at myself and just get turned around and shower as normal.

It’s still there. I still feel like me. I’m still aware of this flashing beacon on my back but I try to ignore it as much as I can.

Let’s say ignoring a potentially life altering moment is not my strong point. 😬

I’m still nervous driving in the dark, on edge again this morning on the way into work.

Yet work is really good. We have a good planning meeting and everything seems a bit more clear in the un up to Christmas.

I have both jobs today though as I am in the little gift shop tonight as there is a private Christmas shopping party booked in. One of my friends daughters has booked the party so I’m chuffed I get to be there too!! Service with a big smile!

I’m also managing to squeeze in a wee half hour massage with Norma in Harmony before I head into the shop.

I’m tired just writing it all but despite it all, I feel good and still calm!

So have a lovely evening guys!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️