Yup you guessed it, a day of thought kind of means it wasn’t all rosy in the garden and full of joy… 🙈

I was late in bed last night (for me!) and I dreamt I was off to auditions that I hadn’t prepped for and everyone else seemed to have rehearsed and knew what was happening. I was wandering around in fear that I didn’t know what they did and how would I cope. Their fancy dress was almost way better than mine…… 😳

So where on earth did they come from?!?! Maaaaaaaaybe kinesiology?

I usually feel very calm and relaxed afterwards but this session has shunted me into a period of self reflection. No one ever said healing was pleasant. It’s a hard bumpy ride…

One of the focus points last night was on two words…. Translucent and miserable.

Translucent slaps me in the face. I write a daily blog therefore my life is translucent. Everyone (if they chose to) can see how I feel on a daily basis…. Why do I do this?!?!

Well first of all I wanted to help others see that not everyone’s life is as it seems on social media but I’ve talked about that before….. what I have realised over last night and this morning is that I need to get this out there so that I can manage other people’s expectations of me…..

Now let’s think that through…. First of all… who are these others I talk of?!? Just everyone really…. Secondly, why would anyone have expectations of me?? Am I that important? No….Even if they did why am I so worried about what their expectations are??

I use the blog as as tool to manage my anxiety. If you know how sensitive and fragile I am then you will treat me with kid gloves and make my life easier. You won’t put obstacles in my way and I won’t be letting anyone down because you will all understand.

That is the actual reason that I started writing this blog. Wow.

I am trying to manage my daily interactions in life at the highest level possible.

When you have anxiety you imagine every single scenario that could happen, but most likely will never happen…. I’ve noticed at work recently I am struggling to make decisions as I can imagine everything that might go wrong with every decision I make. I’m second guessing myself all the time. I trust others’ judgement way more than my own.

Why do I have such a bad opinion of myself? Where did it come from and why do I need everyone to know exactly how i am feeling…. Yet equally try to hide from the world when I’m out there.

Now that’s gonna take a lot more work.

I am way happier with myself than I have ever been. I feel like I’m finally back to my true authentic self. I don’t hide anything any more.

Uh oh…… yup…. I can’t argue with that. I am choosing to see anxiety in everything I do.

That’s feels unfair as I feel physical symptoms at times but I do know that it’s created in my own head. Doomsday. “We worry about the day we never saw”. i have to learn to look for the alternative.

What is so wrong with me that I feel the need to apologise to everyone in advance. I’ve also been shovelling sweet junk food recently trying to cheer myself up for something that’s not sitting right with me.

Jeez I am hard work and it’s no wonder I get tired. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

When I walk the dogs I am constantly analysing the path in front of me for other people or dogs…. I have a radar. I do not relax.

EXACTLY the same in my day to day life. A radar out detecting potential threats that may knock me off course or upset me. I am trying to control every aspect of my life.

My head has been in a tailspin today. overthinking, analysing, worrying…. And it’s made me pretty sad. I’ve felt quite miserable at times…. There’s the link to Translucent and Miserable. 😳

I realise most of this might sound crazy but it all makes so much sense to me.

It’s no wonder I used to knock back the vino after a day in my head. I now have to sit with it, mull it over and journal of it to make some sense of it to allow me to heal from it. it’s not fun…. But without it I won’t change anything. If change was easy, everyone would do it.

I really need to learn not to put myself down quite so much…

Thanks for reading this far…. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m off to meet the Crochet Hookers with a T-shirt on that says

Love yourself

Love yourself

Love yourself

I will try….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️