Day 312 busy looking for others to help “cure” my anxiety and realising only I can make the changes.

Should have said this yesterday!

Today started VERY early with a sneaky wee 4.30am alarm that hadn’t been changed. If you’re a regular reader you will know it wasn’t mine…. #justsaying

Then my mind kicks in and oh my god, if there was anything else I could have thought about, worried about, tried to solve then I’d be amazed. In fact if you can all just send me your problems I’ll ruminate them all for you and spit them back out in no resolved manner whatsoever. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I found this about 4.45am online and had a wee snork to myself. I could have written it word for word…

Then I read this……

I really tried to change my mindset. I instantly felt a weight lift.

I had been giving lots of good advice yesterday to people in the AFTER DRY JANUARY fb group. Telling them that they should take control of these difficult situations in their lives. Telling them that only they can make the difference. Telling them to make the change.

Yet here I am worrying about what order to do things in today… AGAIN…. do I dog walk first, what’s the weather gonna be? When will I get the van back? How much will it cost? Can’t believe I’ve lost both pairs of glasses… must arrange an eye test. How stupid am I? How fat do I feel? Ugh… disgusted with myself? Can’t believe I started exercise at the start of the year then after the kettlebells with a breadboard it all just went out the window….. I’m too tired to be bothered exercising. I can’t be bothered deciding what’s for dinner, let’s order takeaway or eat junk. How bad am I that I can’t enjoy every minute of this gift of being forced to stay home?!? Hey I probably manifested this for years when I was working… why can’t I ever just relax, switch off, be happy? What state is the kitchen in, bet the dishwasher needs loaded…. we have Pawsitive Solutions stuff we should do? When are we going to do that? I should do more crochet but I’m enjoying reading that book… wonder if I’ll make time for that? How can i when I have so many other things to do?!?

OH MY ACTUAL GOD….. WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE EFF UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🤯🤯🤯

This makes me smile as this is so very true

So first things first…… coffee. Which actually doesn’t help anxiety but hey….. it’s the only vice I have left.

Check this little pupper…. no dignity but loving morning cuddles with her Dad

The Morrison’s food delivery arrived just before 9am and we got all that put away and then Claire suggested a walk at 9.30am as she’s on holiday. Magic. She solves the ‘what to do first?’ and I can stop thinking about all this noise as we chat.

It is not a particularly pleasant day… we were meant to have loads of snow but we have tiny pathetic little flurries in between rain.

We did see our first snowdrops!
I only took Freya to allow for concentration on chat and not dogs, loved this big spot of fungus(?) on the bridge as Freya went down to play in the water for a bit.
I found this so funny because I was putting myself down in the picture… wee stick legs out a big black coat!! (is there no end to my negativity?!)

Time spent with friends and a good giggle is remedy in itself.

Stop speaking to yourself the way you would never speak to anyone else…..
Oh excellent February is going to fix it all for me…. I joke but I know I need to listen to things like this and work on them…. only I can change it.
I am constantly thinking and speaking badly of myself.

I have to remember how much effort it takes to write this blog on a daily basis. Actually I don’t mean effort as it’s not a chore, it’s just become something that I am aware of all day, then start thinking about writing sometime in the afternoon. A good blog could take a couple of hours a day…. yet I am quick to say I did ‘nothing’….

Here’s hoping I allow myself this

So for the rest of the day I have contacted all Pawsitive Solutions enquiries that came in at the start of lockdown and asked if they are interested in Zoom call. I’ve also contacted today’s new enquiries.

I am at my desk, the candles are on, the sparkly lights are on as it’s dark outside. I have Freya at my feet. She moves around as I do so she always sleep on one foot or the other. I should say here that the other dogs still exist… it’s just been a Freya-centric day today!

It’s trying so hard to snow outside but it’s not coming to anything

I need to learn to accept that I am enough. I don’t need to have this whirring head that talks at me all the time, anything I do could have been better, should have been done differently…..

I started this early today as I knew I needed to clear my head and it’s done just that. I feel calm for the first time today. Truly relaxed.

In between writing I’ve read positive FB posts.

Changing my energy focus

I’ve done a tapping grounding exercise online with Shelagh Cumming.

Balancing your energy system

That really helps me to breathe more slowly and usually gets me yawning like crazy as my energy changes.

I’ve also had the loveliest wee gift from Claire!

And some Skinny Whip Mint bars which I ran out of about 6 weeks ago!!!!!

I have so much for be grateful for and I am enough.

Here endth the rant for today.

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜

6 thoughts on “Day 312 busy looking for others to help “cure” my anxiety and realising only I can make the changes.

  1. Wow. Can’t believe I have just written something similar but you articulate my feelings better than I do. Gob smacked at everything there. I need to re read this a few times. I file and forget to analyse. Suppose it is hard when that is all I’ve known.

    I am enough is a challenge and half. I panic through day that I haven’t done enough even though I’ve probably done more than a lot of people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly!!!! I knew you would get something from this. My head was mental today…. it’s really good to think it through and write it down. It really helps me. I am enough is very hard…. but yes we do way more than most. Keep smiling! 😁

      Like

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