It’s a year to the day since I was let go from full time employment.

I was bloody good at my job. I’m very driven, I gave my life to my work and still believe it’s probably the reason we never had kids. It was all or nothing for me. I wanted to change the world. As a people pleaser it was probably not the best industry for me to be in. I fell into manufacturing during my year out in industry at University. Every job thereafter follows the same path as that’s where your experience lies. You don’t realise that anything else is possible.

I like to think I made a difference to manufacturing but it made a huge difference to me and changed my life.

On Monday 4th September 2018 I fell apart. Honestly I’d been in pieces for a long time before that but on this particular day the tears would not stop.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t put on the mask. I couldn’t pretend it was ok. I worked for management that demanded results and I managed a team of people that struggled daily with everything that was thrown at us. New computer systems causing more errors than not, customers demanding new variants in lead times that were impossible to achieve.

I suppose looking back it was always going to happen. Trying to please everyone. Everyone except myself. I came last.

Sadly when you are off with mental health, very few people contact you. I guess they are scared to say the wrong thing. It’s not like breaking a leg. There’d be cards, flowers, banter. Going off sick with anxiety and depression is hush-hush. People disappear of the face of the earth. People you spoke to every day, people you thought were good friends. Nothing. Society drives this nervous, uncomfortable approach to anyone that “has bother with their nerves”. I don’t believe it’s out of badness.

When a message does come through it’s the best feeling ever. Someone had thought of you, remembered you. You must count after all but the feeling doesn’t last long.

I quickly realised that I had to drive my own recovery. I’ve said before that’s the hardest thing ever when you’re at the lowest point in your life. Without that drive to get better, nothing would have changed. I was letting everyone down…. or so I thought.

After counselling and Kinesiology sessions, I found the strength to return after 14 weeks. I was no longer the golden girl. I dropped right off the radar and was no longer eligible to attend the Senior Management Conference. The biggest kick in the teeth ever. Announced on a conference call like it was nothing.

I lasted until the end of May 2019. I tried, I really did. By now I was convinced I was no-one. Nothing made me think otherwise. I always knew that time off sick would ruin my career and it did.

My post became redundant in January 2020 and my contract terminated on 28th February 2021.

And what a year it has been…… none of us amines what was coming. How could we ever have guessed??

Claire and I had a lovely evening at the fire pit last night. I made a cheese toastie for dinner in my Ridge Monkey toastie maker and some apple turnover type thing. That didn’t quite work and came out a bit of a mess but tasted good!

Craig went to a gig last night lockdown styley… The Bluetones played online and he said it was really good…. and I didn’t have to go and pick him up!!

So here I am today. Still beating myself up for everything, still my worst critic, still not appreciating how far I’ve actually come.

I’m lying on the couch on a crocheted blankets covered by a 2nd crochet blanket and it does make me laugh at how colourful my life has become.

This morning we finally decided to put Jeepey McJeepface up for sale. We pulled together the details of all the extras and got it up on Autotrader. Tick in the box!

We then “attended” the virtual Camping and Caravanning show. For the last few years we’ve gone to the SECC with our neighbours Jim and Fiona and it’s been a great excuse to have a lovely wee lunch out. Not today…. the virtual show was a good idea but mainly links to websites of the companies that chose to be involved. So we kinda “did” the show in about 20 minutes.

I’ve not moved off the couch since.

I think it’s pretty simple. I’m really tired. I feel exhausted. I don’t have any real reason to be…. but I am.

As an aside… Craig just brought through some Manchego Cheese, Sundried Tomato and Green Olive pitta chips….. I reached out to take one and he says “now… one at a time and breathe in between them”…. he knows me too well 😆🤦🏻‍♀️🙄🤣

I am so frustrated in my exhaustion as I think I should be making better use of my time. I should be walking, should be eating healthy, should be, should be.

It’s only 1.30pm and I’m going to publish the blog early today. I don’t plan on doing to much else. I am going to accept that this is enough.

I’ve already eaten 10 pitta chips.

He’s not looking so won’t know.

I did breathe in between them.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️