It wasn’t much but considering we were in shorts the other day… this feels so cold. The next photo is from inside Abbie the Campervan.
The sunrise was promising.
But the daffodils were really sad today…. They were so cold, the frost had got to them.
To be honest I have felt a little bit like these daffodils today.
I am so tired but we have been super busy again at work. It was a good day but I felt really rushed and I’ve walked out tonight for the weekend thinking I need to work tomorrow… but I can’t.
I just have to remember everything I still have to do, when I get in on Monday. My anxious brain doesn’t like that at all…. I need to leave with everything under control. I didn’t feel like I did that tonight.
Covid boy is still not feeling great but sat outside today with a campfire. At times today it was so warm and then at other it was either hailstones or snowing!
I’m going to have an early night again tonight. What’s new eh? Covid has really word us out but everyone I speak to says they same thing.
It was sooooo cold today. As we’ve become so used to the sun we take it ill out when it gets cold again.
It was a cold and frosty morning on the way to the Farm at 5.30am.
It was another great workout today. I managed it all which still surprises me as I do feel quite rotten with the cold. It’s all in my head and not into my chest which is good. I guess although I’m COVID negative, I still have the remnants of the virus. A lot of people have said they struggled with fatigue afterwards.
Cool sky when I left and the daffodils on the drive way are in full bloom.
I can’t believe that in between some sunny spells we have actually had snow flurries today. It’s snowing now at 8pm. It’s not lying…
I was soooooooooooooo busy at work today. I never got a minute. We had customers in all day and I worked till 5.
This is me outside in a snow flurry! Just to prove it. Yesterday I sat out on a deckchair to eat lunch and today…. Baltic!!
I’m honestly shattered tonight. I feel really wiped out.
I’ve had to skip the fun chat with the Crochet Hookers tonight as I don’t feel I should be mixing with too many people while Craig is still COVID positive.
I’m in my jammies on the couch with a huge fire going to keep us warm. I won’t be late in bed.
A few of us were saying today that we could with another lockdown… we’re struggling to live life at the pace it seems to be at just now.
Maybe we all got used to it being slower and now it’s picking up the pace as we get closer to reality.
So here’s a big hug to everyone who’s struggling with with something just now. Life can be hard at times and we get hit from left field when we least expect it.
So I have very little to report today. I’ve been at work all day and have felt pretty rotten, it’s like the cold has come back.
I’ve had two lemsips through the day to try and help clear my blocked nose. They do help and make me feel a bit better.
I woke at 3am and felt like my heart was beating out my chest…. May have consumed some caffeine before I went to bed uh oh…. I had a can of alcohol free rum and Coke. It was really nice…. Note to self… you were totally right when you knew you shouldn’t have caffeine in the evening. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
I lay awake for about an hour and then fell into a deep sleep despite Mr Snorey McCovidson next to me. Jeezo man…. He said this morning he got a good sleep because I didn’t snore. Oh good that’s alright then. 😳
So work was busy and I feel like I didn’t get a minute to regroup. I left with a big list of things still to do but I’ll get on it first thing.
So I was late leaving and when I got home I had to take the dogs out. I couldn’t cope with all 3 at once so did Calaidh and Freya first. Here are some photos!
It’s only 5.30pm and the sky is really dark. We’ve had nothing but blue sky now for weeks….
I then went home to pick up Bhru… I’m so tired but I can’t leave her out.
We walked into the woods with the old limekilns.
She heard a noise…. Did not spook me at all… nope…. 😳😱
I had one step to go to get in the front door and a huge rain drop hit me! It’s much cooler tonight. It was chilly on our walk.
I’m home now. It’s raining for the first time in weeks.
Craig had made a lovely pesto pasta while I was out. I have my feet up now and I’m not moving!
He’s feeling pretty rotten, has a bad cold and is breathless but he says he’ll live.
We reckon that within a week we knew that we were meant to be together. Check how young he looks!!
Despite all the difficulties that marriage throws you, we know we are meant to be together and we’ve survived this long without burying each other under the patio, so I think we will last.
You all know he’s a good ‘un….. he’s the most generous and kind hearted person and he’ll do anything for anyone.
He bought me this lovely silk bracelet with 2010 on the heart and a J & a C.
For the first time I’ve thought my skin looks really old…. 😱 oh well….
About 11am today he’s about to go out to a job when he realises he hasn’t checked his lateral flow test. Just as well he did as it’s POSITIVE!!
To be fair he’s been loaded with the cold for a few days now so it makes complete sense that he has it… just 3 days after I lose it!
It’s so much easier this time as I am apparently immune so he doesn’t have to distance from me. I’ll just have to be careful not to pass anything when I’m out.
Sunrise was beautiful at the Fit Body Farm this morning.
I am back.
It actually went surprisingly well. I managed more than I thought I would. Only had to take a minute’s breather during one of the exercises and other than that I was ok. Coach said I did good today. Teachers pet was very proud of that.
We actually did bleep tests today. The last time we did that I got to level 2.5 and this morning got up to level 4.8. I’m pretty proud of that. I am not a runner!
It was freezing at work this morning. I took a while to heat up and as soon as I was warm…. It was roasting. Another beautiful day but spent most of it in a portacabin instead of my outdoor office!
My concentration and focus was good. My anxiety was under control.
I have to say that today has been a pretty good day.
This time 12 years ago we were just about to start our first waltz… Michael Bublé’s Everything Click the link for a listen.
We danced and sang this to each other. Ahhh young love. 👰🏻♀️🤵🏻💍
We had no idea of the trials and tribulations we would face along the way. We’ve done what we said we would do… for better or worse and we’ve fought through the worst. We can drive each other completely insane and round the bend. But we knew then. And we know now. And we still do.
We even got each other the same card!
We’re sitting outside and starting to get eaten alive by midges…. So we’re heading in now.
So yeah today is Mothers Day or Mothering Sunday in the UK. Mum and Dad were meant to be coming over for lunch in the village pub but my COVID week put paid to that. Holly is running a lovely 3 course spread with a glass of fizz for £17.95 I think and it will be enough food to feed us until next year.
We cancelled our 2pm table as we didn’t know when I’d be COVID free but Craig and I are going to go in for 4.30pm and have an early dinner tonight. She said she still had some space.
I didn’t even send her card as it seemed unfair to send a potential COVID card through the post. I may have overthought that… We’ll catch up next weekend instead… maybe in the snow this time?! 🤦🏻♀️♥️🤣 it is actually forecast for Wednesday here… this is why us Scots make the most of any ray of sunshine that could be potentially considered warm!
So back to the rest of the day….
I’ll be honest I didn’t want to wake up and face today as I know I’m back to reality tomorrow and my anxiety took off running with things that could go wrong when I get back out there. It felt safer to pretend I was still asleep…. Yes I’m pretending to myself…. rather than see what time it was.
Of course the clocks went forward for us last night so British summer time begins today and once again the weather has kindly played ball. It is indeed a very summery summers day… in March… but it meant that I was of course, later than I expected it to be.
So I’ve done very little so far today. I’m still not feeling great and making the most of the sun in the garden. I wanted to do so much today… I “thought” I should do so much today… I see the sun and feel I should be out in it…. By the sea, living life, taking photos and seizing the day. But I am tired.
It’s no wonder we’re tired when we can overthink so much. “Worrying about the day we never saw” is what my Gran used to call it.
I’m drawn to a balancing crystal that I bought a while back. Now I know this is where I will lose some of you but hey… I’m saying it anyway. The Meridian Energy Balancing crystal has worked for me in the past. You pop it into your bra so you’re “wearing” it and it honestly takes the anxiety waves away almost immediately. It allows me to listen to my gut rather than the anxiety in my head which screams all the “what if’s”….. whether it’s mumbo jumbo or not it works for me and that’s all that matters. I am calm.
We cut back some ivy earlier….
The royal we…… 🤣 actually I did pull stuff out from the ground up!
I brought out a free standing bathroom shelf out and cleared that.
Mostly I have done absolutely nothing but sit in the sun as that is what I need today. Another day of recharging the batteries.
I love this array of daffies that have come through this week. On Monday they were still tight buds.
The dogs are loving the sun and in and out of the shade.
Had a wee nap lying on a blanket on the grass. The pub is busy and there’s lots of people in the beer garden so we’ve moved down to the bottom of the garden and I’m now in the hammock just swinging around in the sun.
Relaxing under this beautiful tree.
With this beautiful view.
We had a huge and amazing meal in the pub tonight. Was so nice to see people again.
I got a lovely card and flowers from the kids. Holly has done that every year for me and every year I forget and it’s a lovely surprise!
We had crab and salmon to start, Smoked Haddock in a creamy cheese sauce for mains and millionaires cheesecake for dessert.
Then had a lovely FaceTime with mum and dad while we’re sitting out in the garden again. It will be light until 7.45 pm tonight…. Definitely feels like summer is coming!!
So… back to reality tomorrow. Everyone is saying to take it easy as the fatigue is the worst. Just have to see how it goes!
My second negative… finally free to go out into the big wide world! Of course I took the dogs for a walk….
I can fully think I look better than I feel. I’m surprised to see just how shaky I am. I feel really lightheaded, a bit dizzy and my legs are like jelly but I take it really easy and let the puppers take the strain up the hill.
It’s only been a week but everything seems so different. The ground is really dry and the daffies are blooming everywhere. I don’t mean they are blooming everywhere but blooming… everywhere.
It’s such a beautiful day. It’s not even 9am and I would go so far as to say it was hot. Remember us Scot’s have taps aff in the early teens centigrade as we think it might be summer and we might never see it again.
Who knew there was a weather forecast at Taps-aff.co.uk 🤷🏻♀️🤣🤗😆☀️☀️☀️
The forecast today is apparently for taps-oan which I wholeheartedly disagree with. Today is most definitely taps aff.
Anyway back to my shaky walk. It’s beautiful.
We are so lucky to have all of this on our doorstep and even more so when we are actually allowed to step OUT over said doorstep!
There’s not a cloud in the sky and only the lightest breeze occasionally.
Dragging me up the hill.
Knackered after a big run in the fields with Freya.
There was a huge wildfire on the side of Ben Lomond this week started by a discarded cigarette. I can now see why as the ground seems so dusty and dry even after such a wet February.
Despite COVID, March had come in like a lamb and is going out like a lamb so is my favourite month of the year so far.
So back home to drop off Bhruic and Freya and pick up Calaidh.
We’re off to Mocha JaKs for breakfast this morning…. Standing joke in our family when I was wee…. “Well you’re obviously feeling better then?!” Appetite, my dears, had never been an issue. Least I can taste most things again now.
We sat outside in Mocha JaKs and the first thing they do is bring Calaidh a bowl of water. She laps it up.
I have to fess up and say for the first time ever I ordered a Puppacino…. Yip….I succumbed to marketing… and Calaidh, who’s on a diet as she’s a bit too overweight… got a small cup of whipped cream and she was IN HER ELEMENT. She lapped it up.
I overindulged in Biscoff pancakes with a coconut milk latte.
I did remember to ask for Decaf and they didn’t have any….. caffeine it is. I’m sure I will survive!
The pancakes were beautiful and I only managed two. 🥰
I took Calaidh for a run round Spiers School Ground on the way home. Everything looks so stunning on a sunny day. I’m tired but I just take it slowly and I think it’s good to be getting some exercise.
The sun light is stunning through the woods.
The paths we walk so often seem so different today.
There are daffies all around the School’s war memorial.
This white daffie is looking downwards. It seems sad.
Calaidh is having a great sniff around.
These wee orange daffies were right out there!
The Japanese redwood has some kind of memorial Angel attached to it.
It’s such a lovely walk. My legs feel a bit stronger now. Maybe that’s the sugar rush from the pancakes?! 🤣
I thought this holly looked really lovely in the bright sunlight. We usually equate it to Christmas but this was sunshine holly instead!
Here she comes.
We saw a lovely new bench that’s been built at the side of the road. It’s in lovely bright colours. A great place for folk to stop and sit as they walk the Beith to Gateside loop. The old painted bench that was there has been removed.
I let her off lead again and into the burn so she could cool down. She just stands there….. as usual. She went to sit down at one point and stood straight back up again… guess it was too cold?!
I love that I could see right through the bridge.
There’s a huge dandelion growing too. I used to discard them as weeds and now see the beauty in everything. This next photo is right behind me. Old dry reed grasses.
And across the road….
More daffies on the way home.
These next ones have still to bloom, sure it won’t be long.
Think this is the tree my friend Evelyn has asked me about. She drives along the road looking for it. Made me think of her this morning.
So it’s not even 12.25, I’m sitting in Grans chair in the back garden writing this and I’m going to read a book I started the other day. I’ve not read a book in what feels like a long time.
Fast forward to 3.30pm and I have literally sat here all afternoon reading. I couldn’t put it down.
It’s been hot all day and as much as I want to be out and about down at the coast, I know I’m tired so I’m just gonna take it easy with my feet up in the sun and an alcohol free Birra Moretti.
COVID wise that is….. and mood wise I am finally more positive than negative. 🥰
Not gonna lie I’ve been getting them all mixed up again today. Messaged a few people today to tell them I tested positive when actually I finally tested negative this morning.
I came through from the bedroom for a big long hug! It felt soooo good. Free movement around the house is a game changer too. I can cope with not going out and being in isolation in the house but I really struggled with the restricted movement when I was positive and Craig still negative.
I’ve always craved isolation as crazy at that might sound. Some days just to chill and relax and do nothing. Yet the reality was so very different. Of course first of all you’re not feeling great…
Try as I might I couldn’t get my head into a relaxed space. I was agitated, irritable, cranky and very tired. I was irked that there were rules that I had to follow rather than just accepting what was. My reaction was one of stress….. in hindsight I needing grounding and brought back down to earth from the orbit I was existing in. You try to be so ridiculously careful with everything. I guess it’s not ridiculous but it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Treating yourself as a risk to other people is a very strange feeling.
I’ll always caveat it all by saying that I continually thought about those who had it worse than me. The fear of a real COVID-19 illness and the solitude must have been terrifying. I think back to all those news reports we watched so avidly in the beginning…. Those poor people. All the doctors and nurses and key workers equally terrified but trying so hard not to catch it while keeping others alive.
Mine was nothing. A bad head cold which moved on way more quickly than a head cold usually would. An intermittent hacking cough which wasn’t even sore.
I was always worried about the vaccination and yet I’m so glad I’ve had them all. I’m so glad my friends and loved ones have.
Another great sleep last night. To be fair I think I was in bed from the back of 4 yesterday afternoon. Clean sheets an’ all that! Plus it was much cooler outside so I couldn’t sit outside.
I started watching Pieces of Me on Netflix which seems really good. Actually my thoughts now turn to our newly formed unity… when do I watch the rest of my show?! I know… I made myself smile with that one! 😆
I feel a new lease of life today. I’m still a bit lightheaded but I’ve cleaned the kitchen, both bathrooms and the living room already.
I’ve loaded the dishwasher and done a couple of washings. It feels so good just to catch up on it all. The negative head has gone replaced with Mrs positivity…. A can do attitude.
Craig’s off work today and has pressure washed our artificial grass. The garden looks amazing.
Having 3 Border Collies meant our natural grass was always in quagmire status but the artificial grass does need washing down.
It looks soooo clean without bits of wood, tree or dog toys all over it!
Bhru’s gonna shake this dog toy all over the place…..
Calaidh’s always ready with the ball ⚽️
And Freya found a bone in the great garden clean up!
We’re all outside in the fresh air. it’s beautiful here today.
The weather has been amazing all week and I’ve been so lucky to be outside in it.
I had another amazing sleep…. From sometime after 8pm last night right through until 5.30am this morning and then snoozed until after 7.
I’m coughing in my sleep but that’s all, I roll over and back to sleep.
I tested positive again today… not gonna lie, I burst into tears dramatically at that. I really expected to be negative today. My symptoms have passed quickly, I still have a cold but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was at the start of the week.
So once again I’m feeling really sorry for myself instead of focusing on the upsides. (Trying to stay away from the positives and negatives 🤣) I feel completely wiped out yet I’m annoyed by it. I want to shake it off, clear the fog and yet I can’t seem to.
I took some photos of the lovely daffodils growing in the garden today.
They are just so perfect. 🌼
My brother sent me photos of some Highland Cows he saw this morning on his walk. They made me smile.
Aren’t they beautiful 🤩
I’ve been working again today. Still mostly outside though I did have to move into the bedroom before lunch today as it got cold.
It’s been hard to focus and to concentrate and almost impossible to remember anything!!
It seems my body really tells me when it’s not happy with what I’m doing. I’ve been so antsy and irritable all day. My skin has literally crawled with irritation and I’ve been having tantrums in my head all day.
Craig suggested I wash the bedding today and clean round the room so I had a fresh room to head into tonight and I have to say it was a great idea.
I’ve clean sheets on, I’ve dusted and polished and I’m now in bed with the electric blanket on.
And finally I am calm.
I’m am doing what I want to do and what I need to do. Resting…. Doing nothing. Just being.
I wrote most of this last night which is just as well as I feel I’ve been wiped out today…..
On Friday 20th March 2020 the UK Government announced that all pubs, restaurants, gyms and other social venues were to close and here in Scotland we entered our first COVID-19 lockdown.
None of us knew what to expect, none of us knew what was coming. We were all pretty apprehensive but I also remember being caught up in the drama of something that big happening in our crazy, busy world.
I had just been made redundant on 28th February 2020…. Or indeed my position was made redundant, certainly not helped by the fact I had been off sick with anxiety and depression since Monday 3rd September 2018… (5 months of that spent back at work trying to get back into it but that’s another story).
What are the chances I test positive for COVID exactly 2 years to that date?!? I have just figured that out! Two years spent taking so many precautions, masks, hand gel, hand washing and avoiding it like the plague. (At least that’s saying makes relevant sense in our lifetime!)
I’m so caught up in the actual catching it part that I hadn’t realised the significance of the date.
2 years ago our local Beith Townhouse asked people to keep a record of our lives during covid times…. I also knew the benefits of journaling for mental health and I was keen to put “pen” to “paper”…. not sure that saying stands the rest of time. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
So here I am…. I’ve written this blog almost every day now for almost 2 years. I’ve been on the most amazing journey through some extreme sadness but also some of the happiest times finding me again.
But this is mostly me today….
My version of COVID seems to be nothing compared to so many millions of people in the world. It’s a bad head cold with loss of taste and smell.
The cold is even moving on today. I have tiny snippets of taste and smell. I’m just shattered.
Craig bought me real velvety tissues yesterday… luxury and some Vicks Vaporub. I couldn’t even remotely smell it yet this morning I got a teeny glimpse of a whiff! (Is that even English?!)
Today has gone soooooo fast. It feels like seconds ago since I woke up.
I slept really well last night, I woke a few times but rolled straight back over. I feel an exhaustion that is difficult to wake up from.
I met Craigie out in the garden for coffee and bacon rolls, could smell the bacon cooking but couldn’t taste it. Our lovely morning rendezvous. I can’t believe how much I miss him. Never happy some folks eh?!
We’re conducting this strange merry dance around the house just now. We sat out until 8pm last night when he came home from work just so we could have some company. I was wrapped in a big blanket to keep me warm. We both got cold and had to say Goodnight and scurry back into our respective “cells”… and please as I write about this, don’t think for one minute that I don’t know how lucky we are and how much worse it could be. That’s on my mind all the time when I’m feeling sad about it.
I’m struggling being confined to one room and the garden. I’m tearful, sad and feel extremely vulnerable. I’m almost disappointed when he tests negative again this morning as we have to continue with this isolation. That’s awful isn’t it.
I had my first shower today and had to clean the bathroom behind me. It felt so good to be fresh and clean but I was knackered after that.
So today my work ran my laptop and phone up to the house. It didn’t arrive until about 10.30 and I’ve been trying to focus on work ever since. I feel confused in my thoughts and struggle to think straight but hey…. This is our busiest week of the year so far and they need my help. I can’t remember anything about last week at all at the moment let alone what we’re trying to achieve this week.
I’m trying to balance the laptop on my knee in Gran’s recliner chair while the dogs bound about and bark when I’m on calls, then the door goes and I can’t answer that but the dogs do…. Then the phones ringing. By 3.30pm I had to lie down for a sleep.
Yesterday I made myself way too many rules…. I was only allowing myself to go from the bedroom to the toilet and out the office door to the garden.
It meant I didn’t really eat much yesterday so that was a bit daft. Today I’ve just had to use the shower, the kitchen and it is what it is.
So that’s another day in the life. I get to test in the morning and if I’m negative tomorrow and Thursday I can go back to the office Thursday. My father in law called on his way home from work and said his sister tested positive for 15 days…… 15 ?!? I must have the patience of a gnat as I’ve only been in isolation for 2 and a bit and I’m climbing the walls.
This makes me giggle as it totally sums up how I feel but… it could be so, so, so much worse.
Mum and Dad just suggested using Abbie the Campervan as a makeshift office… hmmm they might be on to something for tomorrow.
It’s 2.23 am and I’ve been awake for an hour. I went to bed at 8pm and slept right through until 1.23am. To be fair I think it was Calaidh who woke me as she is still in the room with me.
I woke in a sweat, the bed is soaking but that can happen to me on a normal day. The joys of my age 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣.
I can’t breathe through my nose at all. My Lemsip Max Cold & Flu tablets aren’t touching it.
Auntie Jac recommended the old bowl of steaming hot water and a towel over my head. I tried this just before bed last night.
And yes…. I even tried a selfie 🤳 🤣
I don’t feel like any of it got through but I’m sure I won’t have any blackheads as jeez that was a baptism of hot steam.
I’m ramming a big tube of Deep Heat up my nose and nothing….. not even the faintest whiff of what is one of the strongest smells.
So all that said I think the steam sniffing is the reason I got a good 5 hours sleep.
It’s hard not to overthink in the wee small hours. My symptoms might not be very pleasant right now but what about all those people that couldn’t breathe and were completely alone, totally isolated from their loved ones. The ones who died alone and the ones who couldn’t be with them when they died. It’s horrific to even imagine that world and yet so many people went through it. COVID-19 has forced a separation on us all that up until now I thought I enjoyed but when you stop and think, it’s so very sad.
Now regular readers will know that I crave solitude. I love me some quiet alone time. Hell I’ve even wished for an isolation period so that I can just take some steps back and rest.
And here I am, starting a paragraph with “and”….. it’s not as much fun as it sounds. It feels a bit scary, I feel very vulnerable, I feel very alone with my thoughts.
It’s not even been 24 hours yet and I actually miss Craig. I normally love a night he may have fallen asleep on the couch and I get the bed to myself. Tonight it just feels quite lonely.
I sat outside until after 6pm yesterday. I had messaged the pub next door and for dinner delivered. The Chicken Enchilada is super spicy and I could only tell that by the sensation on my lips and in my throat. The taste buds in my mouth give me nothing at all.
I have zero sense of taste or smell so far. My sinuses are sore and not shifting, my eyes were sore but have benefited from some sleep and my cough is sore but, thankfully, only sporadic. It’s not like a normal cold and flu cough. It’s chesty and deep but there’s a croak at the end of it that seems to take away the satisfaction of a good (mucus moving) cough. Sorry mucus should never be used in a sentence.
Calaidh staying clear last night! 🤣
I’ve been writing for 20 minutes now so I’ll try to get some more sleep now.
I went back to sleep just before 3am and of course was woken by the Fit Body Farm 5am alarm and then the 5.10am snooze…. 🤦🏻♀️ but I slept right through until 7 which is fine by me.
Craig and I met for coffee at opposite sides of the garden. He says I’m shut out the house. 🦠😷
The fresh air is a welcome relief. I opened the window in the bedroom too.
So for everyone who’s had this, I’m preaching to the converted but it’s the hardest thing in the world to figure out how to manage everything. I’ve just been presented with my own bin bag, I’m wearing a buff as I walk to the bathroom, I have my own hand sanitiser and a mini Fabulosa disinfectant. All of these things thought of this morning and I’ve probably infected the rest of the house already.
Craig is testing negative again this morning so we have to keep up this strange new way of living.
I went back to bed after 9 and slept until 11.30am with the electric blanket and fleecy jammies on so was super cosy. I’m back outside in Gran’s recliner chair. I’m much more tired today. Wabbit.
I’m not hungry (which is no bad thing) and just want to sleep.
The sun feels lovely on my suntan lotioned skin. That was an effort in itself but it feels so much nicer to be outside that cooped up in the bedroom.
I’m now carrying around a plastic bag around with me. It has the toilet roll for my nose because of course, we have run out of tissues, my hand sanitiser, my mini disinfectant, my water, my bin bag, my book and my cold and flu tablets. Means nothing is left lying loose for Craig I know I’m maybe overthinking it but it lets me move around and I’m happier that way.
He got my beanie hat and my chapstick from the van and those two items are a game changer to my day. Simple things eh?!
It’s hazy today but that makes it feel a bit warmer in my sun trap.
So since then it clouded right over so I’ve come inside to the sun room, I’m wrapped up and have all the doors wide open but it’s getting cooler. I’ve honestly done nothing to do but sleep and stare into space really. 🤨🥴 I’m shattered and that is ok.
So at 3.35pm I’m back in bed. The blanket’s on so I’m heatng back up. Another wee nap I think.
I’ve added in this paragraph to let you know as you are reading…. I started this blog with Day 720 and no heading as sometimes that comes to me later on the day… I am oblivious to the fact I have COVID as I write… until I eat a late breakfast…
Wide awake at 5.30am. To be fair I can’t breathe with the cold. I’m propped up on 2 large pillows which helps but not enough to sleep all night. The cold and flu tablets aren’t touching it today…. Just so blocked up.
I’m still buzzing from all the workout yesterday. Its another beautiful day but it’s a cold morning. Despite my best efforts it is not yet flip flop weather…. 🤦🏻♀️🤣
I spend some time on the Cleanup App deleting photos off my phone. A while back I got down from 54,000 to about 44,000 and it’s crept back up to 47k…. No small wonder when I take as many as I do in one day.
It feels good to clear photos.
Now it’s 8am, we’ve had coffee and I’m off up the hill with Calaidh. Got her to pose with the daffies!
They are so beautiful. These ones grown a the base of the wall of the milkman’s farm…
You can see them in the next photo. They are beautiful every year.
The sun is finally warming up as we walk. Calaidh’s in her element and I’m writing this as I go. Talk about multi tasking!
How about a gate…. It’s been a while.
Thought I’d try an arty shot of this dirt road. Everything is so much more appealing in the sunlight. It’s a good day to be alive.
This is the dry stane dyke I got stuck on a few years back when a group of us had gone up to the old golf course for a prosecco dog walk. (When I was still drinking).
I still remember lying here in hysterics unable to negotiate the stones and the two sets of barbed wire.
It’s just as difficult today as I take photos and try to breathe through my blocked up nose🤦🏻♀️ without being sozzled.
As we walk I spot about 10 deer in the distance. I shout to Calaidh so that they hear us and she doesn’t scare them… yeah I know so I scare them instead but If I were a deer I’d rather know someone was coming than have a Border Collie hard on my hooves… if you zoom in you can see 2 of them that I caught on camera.
Calaidh is oblivious thankfully as 3 of them are late to twig we are there and finally head off after the rest. Love the white bums!
The gorse is out in full bloom. It’s so stunning against the blue sky.
And this….. is my favourite bush. (Stop it!) it’s situated up on the Old Beith Golf Course and you have to hunt to find it. It’s a beautiful pink Rhododendron in the middle of a whole load of gorse bushes.
It’s such a beautiful plant.
Calaidh is pleased that we finally start walking again… she’s bored with all the photos and I head up to the viewpoint out over Lochwinnoch. It’s so clear you can see for miles.
As I look across to the Bigholm Hill I realise I’ve never been over to visit the new cairn built there so we head across… negotiating the very old and new gates.
Calaidh’s unsure of how to get through the old turnstile. The path is dry but don’t imagine it would be great in the rain!
It was worth the walk. Wow!
This is the original site of the Beith and District War Memorial which was first dedicated in November 1920 (guess that’s when the gate was built too…). It was moved to its existing location in Janefield Place in Beith in 1946.
The cairn was erected to commemorate the original location.
There are crocheted or knitted poppies inserted into the rocks attached to sticks. It’s such a beautiful space. So atmospheric and this is the view.
There’s a wee bench where I sit now to write most of this.
As we head down a plane is on approach to Glasgow Airport.
I realise how pretty all of our single track roads are in the sunshine. The old dry stane dykes have been around for a long time and many are encrusted in such thick moss.
Our lovely village from up the hill.
Craig phoned to find out where we were as we’d been away for so long!
So I come home and we have a coffee outside and I start hanging washing. I realise I’m hungry and randomly have a bowl of crunch nut cornflakes.
I CAN’T TASTE A THING.
REALLY OBVIOUSLY NOTHING.
Craig squirts some Nando’s spicy mayonnaise onto a teaspoon… despite me turning up my nose and questioning why I would want spicy Mayo in the middle of a bowl of cornflakes… he’s right… I need to know if I can taste it.
NOTHING…. Until I swallow and I feel the back of my throat.
I take a test and within seconds the line against the T line is visible.
I scream “I’M POSITIVE, OH MY GOD, I’M POSITIVE….”
Nothing… I don’t even know if he’s in the house. I run to find him shouting “I’m positive”… whilst staying far enough away… he’s heard me the first time…. He’s just thinking everything through being self employed…. And staying well out of my way.
I wait the 15 minutes and the lines are brighter than I’ve ever seen them.
It’s the strangest feeling. I don’t feel any different from how I did this morning . Just really stuffy and bunged up. I realise now why cold and flu tablets might not be working.
Now I have a label. I scan around my body searching to other signs…. Do I feel the disease…. The COVID…. Nope still nothing, it’s ok, I can relax.
I’ve stopped following the COVID guidelines as they are changing by the minute at the moment so I have no idea what’s expected of me. I start to look that up and find it’s pretty confusing.
Scotland have different rules to England and a Google search in the UK often returns English results…. I start down that route and realise I’m Scottish…. Wrong rules.
So I have to self isolate for 10 days from when my symptoms first showed. Mum informs me this was Friday when I announced “I dot the told” in my nasally voice.
I messaged everyone I’ve seen and logged the positive test online after a fair Google search to find out how to do it.
Then the test and protect text messages start pinging through.
So that’s not at all how I expected today to go. Craig’s still fine… did I say that already?
I’ll take the bedroom as I’ve slept in all of those sheets already and he’s cleaned a bathroom down. There’s no way not to have contact with each other really we just have to try and minimise it as best we can.
He caught Norovirus off me in January so I don’t fancy his chances. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
I humphed Grans recliner chair outside into the sun. I refuse to lock myself indoors on a day like this.
I’ve put some sun cream on as FaceTime with mum and dad revealed that I am burning….. I’m nearly 50 and they’re both telling me to get sunscreen on! ♥️♥️
Dad announces I’m the first person he’s ever “seen” with COVID-19.
I am happy to oblige….. not…..
Also there is worse weather and there are worse views… I’ll be outside as much as I can for fresh air in the hope it blasts this to kingdom come.
To kingdom come……What does that saying even mean?!?
It’s now 4.50am and I need to plan the Farm shower so be as well getting up now since I have work today.
Always chose kindness. ♥️
Oh and this next one is what I need work on…. Mastering things I cannot control instead of erupting. Hmmmm…
And now a giggle…. Sadly still so very true 🤣🤣
Yet I need to be this.
Perfectly imperfect but 100% dedicated to trying to accept me for who I am.
I guess the key here is not to try to surrender but just to surrender. Yeah I know….. I need to remember this when something doesn’t go to the law according to Julie. 🤦🏻♀️🤣
Check the moon at 5.30am and it’s almost light on the drive to the Farm!
The Farm was great again this morning. It was hard work! We worked together in Team Avery and I’m sore already. Always makes me laugh when we do a thing called Sled Pull which is kinda exactly as it sounds… we pull a heavy sled down the gym and push it back up….. Craig is sooooo fast at it. His sled goes fleeing past mine every time and it’s got almost double the weight!!
I could hardly breathe and he’s wheeching his up and down the gym!
It was lovely when I left.
Check this wee guy that watched me getting into the van… the colours are amazing. I love that I assume it’s male?!? 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
So work was busy again today but it was a beautiful day! Blue sky and sunshine all day. The portacabin got a wee bit too hot. I feel much better organised after working another day this week. I didn’t leave the place in a mess like I would have yesterday.
It’s such a lovely evening when I leave work that I think of heading to the sea… but I’m not feeling great. First of all there was the 4am start so I am tired but I’ve just done a COVID test and it’s negative.
I have a really husky throat and my ears feel sore. To be fair I work next to a girl who’s had tonsillitis and an ear infection but she’s tested negative throughout so guess it might just be that.
Claire popped up at the fence in the garden and asked if I fancied doing something but I’m really feeling too tired. It’s such a shame as it would have been nice and we would have had a lovely time.
We’ve also got a big event at the Farm tomorrow so I need to get some energy back before them.
It’s going to be 16C up here tomorrow…. I mean come on… that’s like our summer!
It also a lovely evening though cold now the sun is going down.
My head’s been good today thankfully.
Jammies on, waiting on dinner cooking and a quiet evening.
First of all the sky was amazing last night when I let the dogs out before bed. So clear and Orion’s Belt was beaming out the sky!
Which meant I shouldn’t have been surprised that Abbie the camper van was super frosty this morning. I had to leave her running for a good bit but it gave a lovely sunrise, frosty windscreen photo!
Morning on St Patrick’s Day ☘️
This makes me laugh every year…. We’re still Scottish!
Oh wow now if only I was waking up to that sunshine and beach…. Now that would be nice!
Anyhow, back to reality…
I was in work for 7.15am to meet with a customer at 7.30…. I was frozen to the bone after we’d spoken for an hour. I couldn’t get my hands to work to write the notes!! I was still wearing a woolly buff and fingerless gloves at 10am!
We had good day at work and we got through everything as planned. There were a few hiccups which made me wobble a bit.
By huiccups I mean things that didn’t go according to the law of Julie of course. And that is some law…… 🤦🏻♀️
Now one thing I want to talk about was raised by a fellow blogger recently and I’ve not had time to reply to her blog… since something similar happened to me today it’s made me really think about it.
Why is it that people can cut you with their words. She had a blog reply that belittled the issue she discussed. Shocking and I can only say that comes from a very negative person that wallows in her own self pity and doesn’t support others. Keep your blogging chin up Bossy Babe ♥️
I received an email from a supplier that I can only describe as a “nippy sweetie”.
Most definitely the 2nd definition….
You call to place an order and you get told you have to email it… fair enough but in a very sharp-tongued/peevish way.
I email and then get a reply that says they can’t get it to us until Monday or Tuesday next week (usually deliver same day) and by the way, despite my (her) explanation on the call, we paid the wrong account recently, transferred payment to the wrong account that is. She gives me the correct bank details and says ensure you use these in the future. All fine despite her sharp tongue which came across in her email.
I grit my teeth and reply saying apologies for getting the wrong account but the emails I receive have the following (incorrect) account details on and that’s what I paid. Could she arrange to send me the correct invoice requests directly to me and I would ensure it was right moving forward.
Her reply was that my boss knows what to do and has done it right in the past so just do it right the next time!!!!
Except Mrs Nippy McNipperson… that we just paid it into the wrong account and you just gave me a row for it!!!!!
Now as I read all that back the sting is all gone and I realise it’s nothing but I am incensed when people just can’t be nice. She’s customer facing and yet everything is too much trouble for her.
She was stroppy on the phone about payment then we got it wrong so I try to rectify it and she basically says it doesn’t need fixing coz we know how to do it????
So my anxiety starts to build. My mind keeps coming back to her, I type several replies and delete them. I decide I’m going to call her….. I decide I probably shouldn’t.
Meanwhile it’s 3pm… I’m finishing in a hour and I have a huge workload to complete before 4pm. I can’t just walk away and “take a day off tomorrow”…
I’m so annoyed that I haven’t planned it better and yet as I type that I know that I have never stopped. There are so many customers in that just been a busy week.
I really struggle to type this but I did burst into tears when someone asked came to say goodbye as they were leaving. I’m so embarrassed by that. I’m angry at myself for letting it get to me that much. I hoped that girl had gone with the last job. She was a nightmare for a long time in the last one and cried at something every day. Is she back? Is this what I’ve become again? (Maybe talking about myself in the third person, I’m trying to distance myself from it).
Anyway, once I get over it and make the decision I’m working tomorrow I calm down. As quickly as that.
I can only describe what happened as an eruption of anxiety.
So I’m feeling ok this evening but I am beginning to question my progress. There seem to be a whole lot of tears these days over things that are not worthy of them.
I didn’t when I woke up and my mind started whirring at 4.45am, but the Fit Body Farm changed all that.
We did a fun challenge this morning and the highlight for me was racing on a Space Hopper! I mean who does that AND before 7am?!?!
It was so much fun. Exercising without even thinking you’re exercising! We did the following “exercises” for 40 seconds each…
Slamming battle ropes
Skipping (now that was so much fun! I even managed to cross over the skipping ropes!)
Space Hopper bouncing!
Walking across a balance beam
Dribbling basketballs and shooting baskets
Large water bottle carry
Lifting 12kg wall ball over a wooden wall and then climbing over to the other side
Walloping a tractor tyre with a sledgehammer
Three times in total!
I mean wow. I list that and it sounds so crazy but it’s so much fun. Mr A is 6ft 3 inches tall and was pretty huge on a wee Space Hopper!
The red one ♥️ was by way the faster than the blue one 💙…. Ok maybe that’s not actually true… He was on the blue one and I was flying along on the red one! 🤣🤣
I did slide right off the back of it on my first bounce! What a giggle! Soggy bottom on the soaking wet grass!
I’ve felt so much better today. I would almost say no anxiety.
Work is crazy busy just now. I know I always says it’s busy but this feels like another level. We have lots of customers with small jobs over the next few weeks so it’s taking lots of coordination…. What could possibly go wrong?! Hmmmm….. like everything!
I could double book them, have too much work for the worshop on any one day or not have ordered the correct parts for the jobs.
When you suffer from anxiety you have to do so much more work to feel under control. I have plans with dates and times to help me remember who’s in when. I keep revising it and checking it. I feel calm… so far. There are a lot more very busy days to come in the next week.
A lot of customers means a lot of chat. I may have to sit in silence for the whole weekend. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
But yeah, it felt good at work today. I didn’t actually switch the laptop on until 11.30am.
Amazing how bad I have felt over the last few days and today it’s just gone.
I always forget that other people can feel the same. I get angry at my nervousness, my fears, my insecurities and yet I’ve felt like this all of my life. I’ve just never been so in tune with it, so aware of it.
I used to cry the night before a big exam at school and then usually sailed through it. The more I think back over my life, the more I realise it’s always been a part of me. It’s who I am.
I need to stop fighting with it and accept on the bad days that it will pass. It’s helped me to plan better at work this week.
That’s very easy for me to say and way harder for me to do.
I’m meeting the Crochet Hookers tonight and looking forward to and chat and a giggle with the ladies.
Oh and am very proud to say that I now have 101 other bloggers following my ramblings! That means a lot!
Welcome to Happy Panda who sent me a lovely message today…. but I should say thank you again to anyone who takes the time to read this and sticks with me.
The darker days fade and the sun comes back out. It did today and I hope it stays around for a bit.
I woke at 5am and my resting heartbeat was up at 72…. I only know that as I consulted my FitBit Curve…. 🤦🏻♀️🤣
It’s lunchtime and it’s now down at 60 so something is going my way… it didn’t feel like it first thing. My mind was like a tornado🌪 everything crashing around at once, dramatising, catastrophizing… that sounds like a made up word but it really sums up how it felt.
It was making me feel sick this morning, my stomach was churning. What a state to get into over nothing. It really is nothing. There isn’t even an IT….
I’m so tired of the energy it takes to fight the overthinking.
You might need your specs on to read that but it says it all.
I wish I could just “switch off”, “just stop overthinking”, “just stop worrying”, just stop.
Oh ok then… let me try…. 🤔🤨
If only it was that easy then surely I’d have thought of that.
I feel very vulnerable just now. Very small, very fragile. I’m not even watching the news at all so it’s not even that.
Anyway the main thing is that the anxiety zapped a few hours after I got into work and the practicalities took over.
I got plenty done again so I’m focussed enough which is good… and now I’m really shattered.
It’s funny as I started the blog at lunchtime today and when I read what I wrote, I think… it wasn’t that bad surely, I’ve even deleted some of it… but it’s obviously how I felt at the time.
The sunrise was spectacular this morning. I ran out to the garden to take these before my shower.
I left early to stop for fuel on the way…. £110 for 3/4 of a tank. 😳
That was enough of a shock to start the day!
When I came home from work I took Bhruic out for a walk. I’m trying some mother and middle pup bonding. She was good on the walk…. It’s so much easier to walk one of them rather than all 3 at once, to be fair, so I’ll try to do that more often.
For now I have my feet up, wrapped in a blanket in front of the fire and I will get an early night. If I can stay awake for a bit longer.
Tomorrow is a new day and I’m positive it will be better.
As hard as I try I cannot get a decent photo of this little monkey!
Freya is 5 today. It feels like yesterday she was like this…..
She was the runt of her litter and had to be hand reared from about a day old.
These photos don’t even really do her justice. She was minuscule and had virtually no ears.
This is her first poo in the garden…. Too much?!?
Very soon the ears started to grow and never stopped!
Think this was the last time she got into bed with her big sister…. 🤣🤣
She has a great life. She’s a dogs dog and is always more worried about where Calaidh and Bhruic are. She gives the best puppy cuddles though and there’s nothing better than cuddling on the couch with her.
So all that said and done…. Todays not been the best.
I had a huge feeling of dread this morning. I couldn’t face the Farm or work but I knew I couldn’t get out of either. I just wanted to stay in bed and hide. It really does take all my strength sometimes to get up and get on with it.
Now I know full well that there is nothing going on that’s the end of the world. I am very lucky to be able to say that. I have friends and family going through so much worse and yet I’m so sad and angry.
I obviously went to the Farm and I struggled with the workout this morning. I felt a sense of lethargy and unfairness that I had to even do it.
So far removed from the girl who was buzzing after Friday’s workout.
In work I was very irritable, I had no patience and everything that happened seemed like some huge drama.
Of course it was not.
If you’d heard how awful my inner voice was…. I really hate myself at times like this. Hate is a very strong word.
I felt restless, tense, with a feeling of dread. My heart was beating so fast and at times I felt a bit dizzy. I also had the runs (sorry!) it just shows I was creating a huge churn of anxiety inside me.
I’m useless, a failure, can’t do, rubbish, blah blah blah. Why is this happening to me, why can’t I control it?
I get a sense of calm just before 3pm and finally managed to think straight.
I’d checked my to do list and I had done everything on it…. So I’m in control, I just don’t think that I am.
I came home to a lovely dinner as Craig was home before me. I’d only eaten shortbread all day so it was lovely to eat a home cooked meal… I was also handed a glass of Nosecco!
Maybe get some Freya cuddles tonight and they always help.
I could actually have sat still all day and stared into space and that would have done me nicely. It’s like I’m asleep inside my head.
I’m definitely in the green this weekend. Not that I would say I have a mental illness anymore, I would just call it my mental health. An’ it’s no been the best the day again…. She says in her broad Scottish accent.
I’ve still been out and got some fresh air. We took the dogs out this morning.
Spotted these lovely mini daffies blooming in Spiers School Grounds.
Then came home and Craig moved loads of soil while I raked it out and supervised him 🤦🏻♀️🤣
It looks amazing!!
My meadow garden is no more….. wonder how many of the weeds will still find a way this year?!? 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
Calaidh hiding out in this mini wood shed!
It was forecast to rain today but it’s not come to anything yet. It’s 15.27 and I’m wrapped up in a blanket on the couch.
I hate days like this. I hate that I’m wasting so much of life wallowing in what feels like some fake self pity. I’m angry with myself for letting it take over.
And yet the tears are just bubbling under the surface ready to spring out at any moment.
It’s so tiring to keep fighting through these feelings and emotions. yet I would tell everyone else that it’s ok to have a low mood day, to take a rest day, to relax.
I have Craig feeding me Mac n’ cheese and puppers number 1 & 3 cooried into my legs.
What a miserable morning. It was torrential rain when I woke up. I could hear it.
So of course I got soaked on the dog walk!! Totally drenched.
I tried to get a photo of the rain but Bhru photobombed it.
That’s how heavy it was!!
The daffies are starting to come through…. Bhru photobombed that too!
There were 3 dogs on my walk…. Just one getting in the way!
This next photo almost shows a raindrop….. almost! I only took another 8 photos to try and get one of the rain dropping onto the wee puddle on top of this wall. It was fascinating to watch….
All the while I’m still getting soaked….. but the photo is way more important. Naturally!
I wore my painting clothes out to walk the dogs which was a big mistake. What are you meant to paint in when your painting clothes are soaking wet!?!? Nope… don’t go there! So I need to invent some new painting clothes and sharpish….
Just before I got started, I decided to work on the Memorial Hall accounts to try to figure out how much last nights fundraiser made.
I took an hour or so plodding through all the instalments but really enjoyed it. I reckon we’ve made over £1,000 for the Hall which is amazing. They all had such a great time at Bouncing Bingo. I can’t believe that 80 odd folk left at midnight last night, right outside my front door…. and I slept through it!!! I’ve been shattered this week.
So I finally started painting the kitchen doors…. Couldn’t really be bothered with it much. I’d had a good morning though so it was time for the chores….
And that’s exactly where my mood take a downturn.
I don’t enjoy the painting. I see everything else around about me not being right. I see dog hair in the floor, I see dirty marks on some of my freshly painted cupboards, I see the dishwasher needing a good clean. The dogs fly past as I paint, I see dirty floor tiles, I see a messy kitchen and I start to get angry.
I’m angry that I have so much to do and it feels like a burden. I’m angry because I stand between the mess and it being back to my perfectionist standards. I’m angry that my painting is not what it should be and I’m slap dashing it about. If I want it fixed, I only need to do it…. To get it done…. but I don’t want to.
So I start washing the brushes and decide to start cleaning up instead…. The hoover won’t sook up properly. It’s a Shark for animals except it only works if you have one hamster and not 3 Border Collies.
I get angry at the hoover, I start poking and prodding it but can’t clear the blockage. I decide to take it all apart and wash it out. You should do that quite often and I really don’t do it enough. So now it’s all wet and may still be blocked buy hey… I couldn’t hoover anymore.
So then I go to bed. I decide maybe I’m just tired and that’s where I need to be. I try to sleep… I’ve left the dogs in the other room. Calaidh barks and keeps waking me up. I come through and scream blue murder until she stops. I’d also left my phone volume on and it binged and bonged what felt like a million times and eventually I woke up enough to be angry at that too.
I then sat to watch Sweet Magnolias and that started buffering. I mean COME ON!!!!!
So I’ve had one of those days… but once again entirely manufactured by my own head. I really thought I had the morning sussed…. Then I paddy whacked all the way through the afternoon… like a spoiled kid.
I didn’t want to write the blog tonight as I read what I’m writing and get angry at myself. Why do I overthink everything. Overreact at nothing. I visualise you all reading this rolling your eyes thinking “here she goes again….”.
The anger has all gone after writing about it. Guess that’s the whole point of speaking my truth. Also everything seems a lot calmer as evening comes. It’s never as bleak as it seems midday when there is still time….. time to do “stuff”.
I guess you can’t always be 100% all of the time and tomorrow is another day.
I’ll maybe stay away from the painting. I only managed a wry smile at my own joke! I laughed more at that last comment.