Day 277 anxiety….. then a walk and a huge nap 💤 😴 💤

The sharp pains of self discovery were stabbing again and completely fuelled by my own thoughts. We are “on holiday” just now…. yeah that strange no mans land between Christmas and New Year and yes in level 4 COVID lockdown but nothing I have done in these last few days has been “enough”.

I seem to have the idea that so much has to be achieved in these days off. Yet the things that we pick, I pick….. irritate me and stress me and tire me and have me wound up like a coiled spring full of anger and irritability. I don’t even know if this makes sense? We cleared out the rest of the clothes today, and the bedroom has been gutted and is almost spotless. Yet I looked at books and stuff on my beside table and threw an internal wobble that it was a mess….. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ you get the idea?!

Poor Craig has been so good despite my craziness and he’s done everything he can to help relieve it…. imagine his luck when Claire text and asked me to go for a walk…. He said she was his saviour! 😬🤣🤣🤣🤣

We took Calaidh out and got some fresh air on our walk yet I knew I wanted to cry. My head was screaming at me. I have all these hours in the day yet however I fill them I should have been doing something else. I couldn’t even explain it to Claire as it didn’t really make sense to me at the time.

It does now…..I’m tired…. that’s all. Yet with time off I feel we need to get things done so I’m pushing it and actually doing things I really don’t want to do…. Craig hit the nail on the head early on when he said what do you “actually” want to do….. I couldn’t answer……… but it’s nothing…. relax, chill, potter but I didn’t think that was enough. It felt like a waste.

I came home and jumped in the shower, put fresh jammies on and settled into Grans chair with a book and a Hotel Chocolat hot chocolate…..

I savoured it… read a few pages and conked out. For a good hour and a half I reckon and now my head is at peace.

I woke up to the Christmas lights twinkling and the gingerbread candle flickering…. and the relief was amazing.

Craig made fish and chips for dinner and we watched The Midnight Sky 🌌 WOW. George Cloony as you’ve never seen him before. An old dying man. What a story…. I was crying at the end (yeah no surprise there then eh?!?) totally recommend it!

What a whirlwind I have to go through just to get blog content eh?! Jeez……

So let this be a lesson to everyone…. let whatever you do today and tomorrow be enough. It is enough.

Tomorrow…. I promise….. no pressure.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️