Day 672 my blog doesn’t have a name today… Craig said call it “Barbara” 🤣🤣🤣

I am so weary….. That feels like the perfect word to describe todays mood.

So very, very tired of this. So very tired yet not enough to sleep. Too tired to read. I sit scrolling endlessly through FB seeing what other people are up to. Watching their lives go on as I sit and wallow.

We did sleep well last night though. I kept my 5am alarm set so I could assess progress before deciding what to do about work. We’d already cancelled the Farm last night as that was kinda obvious.

It was also fairly obvious that I’m still not well enough for work. We are on solids now… check us…. But life is still not rosy in the garden.

I still have bad stomach cramps after food, my stomach feels bloated and dare I say… constipated…. I mean come on….. and Mother Nature felt it timely to whap me with full on time of the month and those stomach cramps for the first time in so many months I can’t quite remember. The joys….. my cramps are fighting each other.

I have been close to tears at times this morning. It took me half an hour to compose two messages to work. Half an hour to say I’m too sick to come in. My head tells me I’m letting everyone down, I should be better by now, stop wallowing in the illness, get over it, get on with it, you’ll feel better if you force yourself. Yet I know my legs shake from the bed to the bathroom let alone any further.

The dog walk was tough today. I felt really dizzy and off balance. I had to turn back much earlier than I planned to do.

I reread all that and I realise I need to make peace with what is and forgive myself for needing this recovery time.

I made some Oat Milk porridge this morning…. Now that was a labour of love but is just what we need.

It’s a beautiful day today. No sign of the overnight Storm Corrie as far as I can see.

The sun felt so lovely on my face. My eyes squinting in the bright light.

I love this photo, it makes me feel calm
Can never take enough of these trees!
Soooo close
Why do you keep stopping?!
This sheep made me laugh…. Super alert. 3 Border Collies approaching….. on high alert 🚨
The puddles reflecting the gates

Today I choose to stay in bed but I’m still trying to be grateful for this day rather than wishing it to be over.

I’m reading a lot just how that tells me to live for the moment, seize the day, make the most of the time that we have and a part of me worries that I’m not doing this enough.

My overthinking mind tells me I’m seeing all of this for a reason. I’m heading into my 50th year…. I’m thinking a lot about the life we have left. How dramatic do I sound?!

In other good news 😬 we finally tested and confirmed covid free today. All this time spent avoiding catching COVID-19 and we end up with Norovirus. Go figure huh?

And I called the blog Barbara…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣we had a good chuckle at that.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 671 the bug gift that keeps on giving…. Day 5 😔

Jeez… I use that a lot these days…. It’s exhausting being this exhausted. Sunday afternoon already and we’ve move from bed to the living room and back to bed.

We didn’t sleep so well last night. We both ate a sparrows portion of food last night and within half an hour we’re ensconced in our separate bathrooms again on and off all evening. literally within minutes of each other. Never expected that at all.

It would appear that hungry, dizzy and lightheaded far outweighs the getting food inside you.

Now I want to know what the hell I’m dealing with…. I start looking up more about what this blessed thing is and how I might have caught it.

😳🤯

Wish I hadn’t bothered. 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

Now it’s ok for Craig (is it? Really?) as he knows it’s only mine he consumed….. (yes I said those words) and yes he is one helluva lucky guy for me to share that with but WHO THE HELLS did I put in my mouth?!?!?!? (Is that even English?!?!?) We know no one else who is stuck with this just now. It could have come from anywhere. My humour is sadly weary today or I might find this a bit more funny.

I sat in front of the wood burning stove for a while watching the logs burn. It’s amazing how you spend your time when you can’t do anything else.

It was beautiful to watch. Yeah I know… 🥴

I did actually walk the dogs today which is something. The forecast is horrific again later so I went out before 11am in a bid to avoid the rain…. Of course the heavens opened the minute I set out the door but it stopped after about 10 minutes. As Storm Malik moves on apparently Storm Corrie moves in. My lovely Gran and Gramps had a dog called Corrie that we grew up with. Lovely memories. My mind is wandering 🤣🤣

The girls were so good. They didn’t pull at all. Just kept me steady. They’ve had such a rotten week. No fun at all. We know!

Huge rain cloud
Perfect formation
The sun actually came out
This was actually a huge ball in the sky but the light was so dark (yeah I know I’m kinda delirious!)

When I got home I settled into Gran’s chair to read while Craig lay on the couch. I took a selfie…. I am honestly smiling in this pic. I had my hat, scarf and blanket on.

I then moved through to el coucho 🛋 and watched 2 episodes of Graham Norton before coming through to bed for another sleep. They say a change of scenery from time to time does you good.

I’ve had some pasta with cheese. I wasn’t going to eat but we have to keep our strength up somehow. Can only wait and see how it goes.

I honestly never thought this could last so long. I’ve barely moved since 12.30 on Tuesday night when it all started. I expected to feel better by Thursday or Friday at the very latest.

Minus the crisps!
The tulips are screaming out to us just now

It’s been so lovely to have these flowers to look at. Once the tulips are done the rest of them will last for ages. Can probably even be dried.

So thanks so much for all your kind messages. We’ll sit it out again this afternoon and see what it throws at us as Storm Corrie brews.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 670 today’s exercise was hair detangling 👱🏼‍♀️as Storm Malik rages outside!

It must only be the hardcore readers left checking in on our exciting travels from bed to bathroom and couch to bathroom and back….. today we went to….. car….. another extension of the house…. Just to have a look at Craig’s new stereo that was fitted last night.

It was a nice wee change of scenery.

Pity the poor guy that turns up here to fit a stereo, not to be invited in and to be told to stay as far away as he can as we are “sick”. to be fair, we maybe should have put him off but he was working outside.

So we slept well until Storm Malik woke me up. To be fair I thought it was the toilet flushing again so woke to check on Craig but no… it was just the raging wind outside the house this time.

I actually think I managed to capture the strength of the wind on my phone earlier.

Now I’m a bit institutionalised after the last few days but I was actually scared outside. It was the windiest I’ve felt it in a long time and that’s saying something giving our collective gurglings over the last few days. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Th pub fence is down again. A panel seems to blow down every year no matter what the menfolks (yup I really used that 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣) do to secure the posts on the ground. Those panels just can’t take a strong gust of wind.

Instead of waiting for Craig… who was in the bathroom… shocker… I decided in my wisdom to try and secure the fence myself. I was worried about the rose bush being flattened and almost got flattened myself. A gust blew me sideways with the fence. That’s musta been some gust!! Craig saved the day. With lots of “I’m too sick to be doing this” noises.

This next tree was scaring me the most!

It used to be vertical….Claire’s huge tree next door was taking a pummelling too!

So Craig took the dogs for a walk all by himself. He’s not eaten anything for two full days now. It was raining by then. he couldn’t have picked a worst time.

I went for a shower without 3 dogs staring at my every move and set to work detangling my hair. Jeezo that was a workout in itself. It’s the first time I’ve washed it since Tuesday morning… when I took my bobble my hair stayed up! It’s was bordering on dreadlocks 🤣 it felt good though.

I think we’re both just so weak now that it’s a vicious circle. Too squeamish to eat yet too weak as a result of not eating. Then dizzy and lightheaded and squeamish. We’ve decided to start slowly eating and see what happens. We don’t fancy much but we’ve both had some flapjacks and some naan bread. The random things you have lying around. I’m not taking anything for granted though.

I had to sit back down after my shower and I’ve been in Grans chair in the sunroom ever since.

Bhru on my lap!

Craig’s wrapped in a blanket watching the football in the living room and the sun is shining.

I hope that this is us finally over the worst of the sick bit. Just got to work on building our strength back up. I’m now down 7lbs. Hey it’s not like I didn’t need to lose it and Craig looks like he could use some smaller T-shirts.

This made me laugh!!!
Top gusts measure in the Outer Hebrides today!

My flowers are beautiful. It might be too hot in here for them as the tulips are wide open.

So clean hair and clean jammies… ready to take on the next nap. 💤💤💤 as the storm outside rages on. All in here seems finally a bit quieter.

Here’s to a wind free recovery. (yeah I’m proud of that…. 😬)

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 669 two men down today 🛌🛌🥱😴💤

Well this is an exciting run of blogs. Another day, in bed, this time with Craig too…. Stop that thought…. It’s not pleasant in the slightest. I feel way worse today than I did yesterday.

I say that and I realise I’m a lot less scared of being sick today, so I’m brighter on one hand but I’m so exhausted and weak. The stomach rumbling started last night again. I was up and down through the night again. So was Craig obviously. Praise the Lord for two bathrooms. 🚽🧻🚽🧻

Craig has self diagnosed Norovirus. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🥴

So far today I got out of bed. Had a cup of hot water and psyched myself up to walk Calaidh. She doesn’t run about the garden like the other two so really needs a good run.

I messaged Holly next door to see if she had any lemonade and she popped it in and I boiled some. Mum’s friend said it can be good for building up some energy.

I let it cool while I went out with Calaidh.

So I’ve done double the steps today already that I’ve done in the last two days. My Fitbit tells me that it was 100% below zones. No shit Sherlock. I literally put one foot in front of the other and plodded up the hill. I used her for stability to start off with but then let her off to run and just plodded more slowly.

Haggard much 🥴 and had Craig’s jacket on as mine is still in the van and that was just too hard

It’s the first fresh air I’ve had since I came home on Tuesday night.

It felt nice to see the sun and feel it on my face
Calaidh tried to get me to hurry up!
She played hide and seek
I saw my first snowdrops this year

That flat, boiled lemonade was like nectar from the gods. It tasted so good. I made Craig have some too!

And then I went back to bed.

Got back up at 2pm and now on the couch. I had some “lunch”.

A Warburtons thin 😋

I got some lovely flowers from Dad and Mum!

Aren’t they beautiful. These were Bloom and Wild flowers so they needed fully arranged out of the box…. And the tulips came with bulbs attached which you cut off to be planted. Not today. The arranging was enough!

And this next bit is the best hit of news ever.

So here’s to a good weekend for you all and hope normal service might be resumed for us soon so that we can enjoy some of the weekend.

Stay safe everyone 🌻🌻🌻

Day 668 much calmer on the sickness front 😷🤕 a day on the couch 🛋

For those of you just about to eat, or just eaten, you’ll be pleased to know this is a way less graphic blog than yesterday. Way less drama and way less trauma. Just a girl (or middle aged wummin) on her couch ALL day with her dogs.

I have not moved. That’s actually a blessing as it means I haven’t been running anywhere today. I’ve not been sick since 5am yesterday morning I’ve had more melon and some veggie sausages this morning. All seems calm. I don’t feel like eating anything else. But that’s ok.

I still feel rotten but nothing like yesterday. A hot water bottle all evening seemed to bring the stomach cramps to an end. I slept for 7 hours straight and Craig decided to sleep on the couch to keep away from me.

That may not have paid off for him….. he’s currently curled up in bed having hot flushes and shivers.

Maybe it wasn’t the stale water I drank. It must be a bug.

I’m still really dizzy, my head is still thumping, my stomach and back muscles are sore from all of yesterdays yawning in technicolour… I pinched that from somewhere… sounds way better than retching though eh?! 🤣🤣 but the worst that’s happened today has been a whole lotta hiccups.

There’s always been a pupper close at hand for cuddles.

Calaidh with her head and paws across my legs
Bhru asleep on the job

She’s actually snoring.

And finally Freya jumped up for snuggles

So I don’t have much else to report from my couch. Oooh I did have a shower. I know that doesn’t sound like much but when I was off sick with my anxiety and depression, showering was a huge effort and one that I forgot to do on a regular basis. It means a lot to me that even when I feel rotten with this stomach bug, I still remember to shower. It’s the small wins. (My autocorrect typed wind there…. I smiled).

Oh the other big win is that I’ve lost 5lbs. Always look on the bright side.

This has been a very rough few days but I think the worst of it is over. It’s such a relief not to have that dreadful fear all the time. When you’re sick like that you feel so scared and alone and terrified. Terrified at being so out of control.

I must remember that if Craig is sick. 🤔😬🤭 not sure I’m quite ready for that…. As she hiccups. And again. I make myself laugh as I write this. The hiccuping stops. I’ve got this.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 667 I’m home in bed sick-ill 🤢🤮 can we go back to yesterday?!?!

Jeezo man. What. A. Day. 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮

It started when I went to bed last night and thought I had a sore stomach. Craig prodded it. I said stop doing that it hurts. He said I’m not. He did it again. 😳😬 He now feels a wee bit bad for that joke.

I’m taking this ironically as lots of things inside me have changed today 🤣🤣

At 12.30am I woke up and ran to the bathroom and since then I’ve been between there and the bedroom all day. I’ve got out of bed at 16.39 just to see if a change of scenery may help.

How many days have I sat at work and dreamed of a day in bed? Not this though. Never like this.

At some point I fell off the toilet and Craig found me in a crumpled heap covered in sick as I was trying to be sick in the bath.

I went back to bed and was back up to be violently sick about 3ish. I never clocked the time. I had some water then as I felt really dehydrated.

At 5am I messaged the Fit Body Farm and work…. Told them both that i wouldn’t be there but that I was finally keeping water down. At 5.02am it all came right back up. I checked the time to note the irony of it. I had sent the text to my boss at 5am on the dot.

So to be fair that was the last time I was sick. The water is staying down but not in. I’ll take that any day over being sick.

I drank some water out of a bottle last night that might have been sitting for a while. By a while… I really have no idea. Could be a week, could be more or less. I gulped it down as I was so thirsty and straight away thought I maybe shouldn’t have done that.

So it’s either the water or a bug. If it was just the water I’d have thought I’d feel better by now. I’ve been drinking all day as I have a thumping headache. I also have real shakes and shivers when I’m out of bed.

I’m a right wee sorry soul.

This is the one thing that made me smile today… there’s always a secret third way to worry 🥴🤣

Craig brought watermelon in and I’ve had a wee drop so fingers crossed. The stomach cramps are really painful so I feel it may just be a matter of time. Also assume that when you need to go you need to go. Never trust that you don’t. I made that mistake today too.

A guy I went to school with saw this actual photo on a porta loo wall today… I pinched it as it’s a bit of sick humour for today 🤣

So all in all I’m wallowing is huge vat of self pity feeling absolutely rotten. I’ve had to make a few work calls but felt better for doing them than ignoring them.

I’ve done a whole 1,257 steps today. My legs and arms are like jelly. Jeez I bet you’re all enjoying this eh?!? sorry I feel the need to share.

Safe to say I am never cooking last night dinner ever again either. Ever. Ever. I can’t even type the words.

I can’t even eat a cookie!!!

I’ve tried to read but I’m too tired to concentrate but then when I try to sleep I can’t because of the pounding headache and the cramps. I’m just floating listlessly around being a pathetic patient. Me no likey.

These guys have been with me all day. Taking it in turns to bounce on momma’s tummy. I let them out and gave them a treat for being so good
Always Calaidh into the living room and Freya outside while Bhru eats right in front of you

So I’ve cancelled my poppy crocheting with the Hookers. Craig’s out at work so I’m gonna sit here and wallow some more and hope to hell this thing passes tonight.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 666 Happy Rabbie Burns Day! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Its Burns Day today which means millions of Scots will be having Haggis, Neeps and statues for dinner tonight.

Here is my in laws Chihuahua Cookie having hers… and they say she’s not spoiled?! Acht she deserves it!!

He died at the age of 37… I didn’t know that. They don’t really know how he died but suspect alcoholism.

And the Selkirk Grace.

Breaking with tradition we are having Chickpea and Black Bean Curry… made from scratch by she who can’t be bothered cooking anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

I got the recipe from the BBC Good Food website. It was a bit hotter than I thought but it was lovely.

I had the best sleep since my Fitbit began tracking, last night. 91%…. Uh-maz-in!! yet I feel really tired just now so hoping for the same tonight.

So there’s not much else to report today. I had a lovely customer in work today with the most beautiful Rough Collie called Lassie and she looked like actual Lassie! It was lovely to get some puppy cuddles at work.

She is a huge fluff ball!! I got some serious sniffs from our 3 when I got home tonight.

Also 666 days of the blog…. That’s seems pretty monumental. 1118 days no booze, 164 days no meds.

It’s all happening.

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Day 665 Monday but with a sunset 🌅

Ooooh I didn’t sleep that well last night… think maybe I was still travelling when I lay down.… it was after 11pm and that’s unheard of for me. I was shattered but wide awake at the same time. My Fitbit stats were not impressed.

We decided to miss the Farm this morning although I was awake just after 6am. That’s still a lie in…. I felt guilty that I was languishing in bed while I should have been exercising….. actually I wasn’t languishing…. I was stressing 🤣🤣 about not being at the Farm!!

When I left work tonight the sky was amazing and the sun was a huge golden ball in the sky ☀️

I drove down to Irvine Beach instead of heading to Tesco. Be rude not to.

It was bitterly cold. Bitterly is not an exaggeration.

The waves were crashing on to the beach. It was really wild and windy.

It disappeared so quickly.

It’s so true. If you blink you might miss it.

I’m watching After Life tonight…. So I’m basically crying into Bhruic.

She’s trying to hide it from me! Bhru always watches tv, she’s so funny. She’s quietly woofing away at the dog on it.

She says hi!

I think it’s the last ever episode. It’s so well written but so sad as well.

Need to find something more cheery for my next binge watch while Craig’s at work.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 664 I am flying… I am flying… (to the tune of I am sailing by Rod Stewart obviously) 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣🛫🛩🛬

Ok so it’s fair to say I’m jumping on Craig’s bandwagon as I figured his would make some pretty good blog content. That and I was worried about him all by himself. Honest. 🤔😬

So here I am sitting in row 13D of EasyJet EZY74 to London Luton… row 13…. And not only that but the flight attendant has just been to tell me that I am in charge of the emergency exit door. OH MY ACTUAL GOD. In the words of Dad’s Army….. Wu’r doomed.

I made the final decsion to come with him at about 9.15am and he was leaving at 10. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤔🤣 should say here that he is going to pick up a new car. So we agreed that the worst case is the car is dreadful and isn’t for us and we have to fly back home.

We have the kids next door walking and playing with the dogs and their Auntie Claire checking in on them too. 💜 I can’t see green cheese me.

This is super exciting and gives me so much more to write about than a food shopping and sitting at home all day.

To be fair, it also seems a fairly COVID risky option…. The airport and flight have zero ventilation. There are so many people with masks around their chin or just over their mouth and under their nose. It’s not that hard really is it?!? Social distancing seems to be a thing of the past. The odd person remembers to do it but it’s easy to forget.

Breakfast in Starbucks cost is £24.50. There are obviously gold flakes inside our toasties that we just can’t see.

Maybe we should worry a bit less now as we move to endemic stage and away from pandemic. But it’s no less lethal to some people than it was yesterday I guess.

Oh the guy next to me is now listening to stuff without headphones in. Naturally. Jeez people are hard work eh?!

Craig is up front languishing long leg space class. What he doesn’t realise is that I got long leg space in my cheapy row 13.

I should say I’ve just had a whole cup of caffeine in my Strawberry and Vanilla Oat Latte. Uh oh. It’s hard to remember all my self imposed rules when I’m ordering a coffee these days especially in an airport for the first time in a whole lotta years. We actually can’t remember the last time we flew…

The flight is half empty….

Oooh got to go watch the safety spiel in case I’ve forgotten what to do.

And we’re off!! The first bit of Rambling Sloth ever written during takeoff!!! 🛫🛫🛫

There’ll be no photos as the windows are all steamed up, just like my glasses. God I hate that bit when the plane sinks in the sky…. Doing it now. 🤢 and just like that we’re up in the clouds.

I used to be absolutely petrified of flying. She who likes to be in control of everything cannot control a plane. ✈️ I never let it stop me travelling but I did try all forms of travel sickness medication from pills to wrist bands and then I decided to fly to Australia in 2004….. on my own. That kinda cured me. I did take a very mild prescribed Valium but that was more for the sheer terror of getting divorced, being made redundant, buying a flat and furniture and deciding to rent it out…. Then deciding to use the redundancy to visit family in Australia 🇦🇺. As you do. I think the caffeine is evident in that never ending sentence 👆 😬😆

Oh the man behind me is now snoring his head off. Least there are no screaming kids yet.

The sun is shining up here and the sky is very blue. Makes me hope that our destination is somewhere hot and not just London Luton. 🤣🤣

I’ll shut up for now and go and read my book… the main behind is proper snoring snorking. Maybe my book will drown him out.

As I read…. I cast a quick look around and I stand corrected… no one is snoring. The guy next to me is listening to something that sounds just like it but I think it’s an engine revving over and over again. Could he really be watching a motorbike 🏍 ride?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Just over Manchester now at 32,000 feet and at a speed of 400 miles an hour. The Rambling Sloth at its fastest speed yet. 🥳 just about to start the descent already. Honestly this is the way to travel. It’s cheaper than the train and has been so fast. So now he seems to be descending pretty fast as I’m sliding out the seat. My sinuses feel like they are imploding and my ears are popping like fury. It’s 5C and sunny in Luton.

And just like that a baby cries. 😆

Landing gear down. Always a joy that… that last moment when you think something might be wrong…. and landing. It’s cloudy and misty outside.

Well we lost 2 hours of our day trying to get the payment to transfer. I suppose we would be mad if the fraud team didn’t care that we were transferring a lump payment but we had phoned in advance to ensure it would go through. We’ve been standing outside in the freezing cold for about 2 hours. Could have been raining though!!

It’s 3pm and we have a 6 hour 22 minute drive ahead of us. I’m really glad I’m here though. I’d hate him to be doing this on his own.

You know you are pretty far south when you see a sign that suggests Birmingham is in the North. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Only 5 hours and 25 minutes to go!

We stopped for food at the side of the motorway and now we have 5 hours and 40 minutes. Go figure.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 663 a busy day doing hee haw!

Wow what a difference a week makes. This weekend I have no pressure on myself to do anything at all other than to just be.

We woke at 6am. Or should I say, he who shall remain nameless woke me up at 6am.

We got up and had coffee while the stove warmed up. It was still dark.

Even the dogs were still tired. I’ve been shattered all day as a result. My legs are agony from yesterday’s fitness test at the Farm. I’m like an auld wummin getting up and down. 😆

I took the dogs out early to try and get the old legs moving.

It did not help much. 😱🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

The sky was interesting
A pink fracture line in the sky

I only took Bhruic and Freya for the first walk. I was spreading my dog walks through the day… 🤣🤣

It’s murky but beautiful
Bit rude and spooky 🤣🤣
Down here
The old Geilsland School

So sad that this is going to ruin but it must cost a fortune to maintain.

I think the rope is holding the stone masonry in 🤣

Then I took Calaidh out. She gets a better run off less. I much prefer that.

So the rest of today (so far, it’s only 3pm and I feel like the day must be over by now!) has been spent selling Craig’s car and looking for a new one. Now it’s him doing the selling and looking but I seemed unable to do anything while all this so going on! 🤣🤣

I’ve not really done anything other than wander around from room to room offering my wisdom on car selling and buying and there’s precious little wisdom to impart. 🤷🏻‍♀️😬🤫🤣

How many people get a chance to do hee haw all day and there are no consequences?!? The old me would never have allowed it…

Hee haw all day!!!

So the VW Touareg is away and the next one looks likely to be a VW Amarok. Which is… of course… in Southend-on-sea 🤫😆

So he’ll be flying down tomorrow to see if and pick it up if it ticks all the boxes. The guy’s been great sending wee clips of various parts of it so it seems worth the flight.

I soooooooo want to go for some blog content. But we have 3 dogs that need looking after. Hey ho.

In other news I ruined our Fit Body Farm Team Courage T-shirts.. by washing them with my work hoody. 😱😱😱

His and hers black splatters, mine is way worse than his!!

We also booked a week in Tiree for the start of June. I’ve already booked a boat trip out to Staffa to visit Fingals Cave as this has been a bucket list trip of mine since my parents took us on a day cruise when we were kids.

Don’t know if it’s just me but that’s too wee to read?! You can zoom in though. I can’t wait to be there and if weather permits we’ll be allowed out onto the island for an hour. Wow!

We only got to view it from the deck when we were kids. It was so magical!

Not much else for us today. Back watching The Handmaid’s Tale tonight.

From a fire in the morning to a fire at night. Just how winter should be.

Stay safe everyone 🔥🔥🔥

Day 662 it’s Friday yay!! 💃🏻 and Bhruic turns 6! 🥳🎉🎊

First of all these socks make me giggle every time I put them on…..

I put them on twice this morning with DEEP DIG 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 it’s nice to have a giggle at 5am.

The Fit Body Farm was amazing today. It was a Hyrox Fitness Test.

  • 1000m run
  • 50 burpee broad jumps
  • 100 forward lunges
  • 30 hand release press ups
  • 1000m row
  • 100 wall ball target throws

So I paired up with Suzy and we only had to do half of it as one rests when the other one takes over. Craig did all of this all by himself! Sounds patronising to say I couldn’t believe it but I was so proud of him!! 🥇🏆

It’s already been said that we seem too lovey dovey these days and some husbands’ feel they should be upping the ante…. Should say that he still gets nagged at… pulled him up for not making the bed when he got out of it yesterday and he said “eh… I’ve enough brownie points right now I reckon” 😳😆

Anyway, I digress…. The fact that you’re paired during the workout means you keep going as you are spurred on by the other, at least I am anyway.

Suzy and I did it in 22 mins and 55 seconds! Was really chuffed with that time but not gonna lie, she is really good at this stuff so she definitely improved our times. 😬🤫🥳

So yeah Bhruic turns 6 today! 🐶🎉🥳🎂🎁🎈🎊 Craig got her a toy badger…..

And yes she is a girl…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 poetic dog naming license…
Wtf 😳 she says?!?
Whatcha wammee do wi this?!?!
Ang gunna get you Badger 🦡
I keel you Badga!! Ang tired now….
Wasunt me….

Life in our house. Spend money. Chew it to death, bin it… same day.

We went a big walk this morning but it was smirry rain.

The village looked atmospheric
Saw some sheeps 🐑

You know it’s funny… I always used to see myself as the black sheep of the family and that was a bad thing. I had such a low opinion of myself. No one ever suggested that I was but I felt like I was never good enough. My first marriage ended after 6 years and rather than work at it we went our separate ways. It was the only option but I felt like I was letting everyone down. I smile now when I see a black sheep as it think it’s lovely to be that wee bit different. Anyway there’s a thousand more dog pics to get through….

Hmmmm what is this treat you speak of Mumma?!?
Treat? Treat? Treat? treat?
Always sedate but inside saying gimme gimme gimme
Freya doing her best Yoda impression!!
Ees tasty Mumma
Almost done already
Um waiting till they huv theirs

Ok I’m done talking dog. 😆

I feel very different this weekend thankfully. Kinesiology has worked its magic this week again. No stress here just gym, dog walk and housework and rest.

Now sitting in Gran’s chair with Calaidh contemplating crocheting poppies… the windows are very dirty but I can ignore that rather than worry about it. Winter sun is very unforgiving on a window isn’t it?!?

My Auntie Jac sent this next one…. Wow. It brought a tear to my eye.

Strangely a part of me still grieves for the person I once was…. But she was so false. Putting on appearances….thriving on busyness…. Expecting a badge of honour for being stressed…. I am so much happier in jeans or comfies and just generally lounging around writing and taking photos. I’ve had to work hard to get to this stage.

So that’s me for today, it’s an early one, only 3pm but I’ve got a whole lot of resting to get done.

Happy weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 661 a frosty cold day!! 🥶❄️🥶❄️

I never saw the forecast so had no idea when I walked out of a toasty, cosy house today that it was FREEZING outside!! I had to scrape the windscreen as I didn’t have my screen cover on. I can only reach the bottom corners 🤣🤣🤣

If you look closely at the photo you can see the tiny bits I scraped on the windscreen. Pointless!!

As I drove to work I stopped in a lay-by to take some photos before sunrise. it was too beautiful to miss.

Icy puddles
The Wolf Moon

Then sunrise at Tartan HQ.

Really quick but busy day at work today. Time flew in.

I met our friend Jen for coffee tonight after work at Eden Garden Centre in Dundonald. Had a lovely cheesecake and coffee. Was great to catch up as it’s been far too long and she lives 5 minutes from my work!

So no exciting relations today. Just a calm but busy day, back in control of my emotions and getting on with things that need doing.

You know you’ve arrived in life when the milkman counts to the door and says wow, no jammies tonight?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 I was dressed…. Let’s get that straight!!

Just back from a couple of 0% Menabrea in the pub with the man of the hour. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

This hits me hard too

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 660 is there a best husband award?!?! 🥇🏆🤵🏻‍♂️

If there is a best husband award then he is going for it… I swear. Now this is not me boasting about having the best husband ever…. We’ve had our challenges like everyone else, being married is not easy at all. Being married through your wife having a breakdown can’t be heaps of fun… it certainly wasn’t from my perspective.

I shared a post on FB last night from the singer Sara Bareilles.

I posted on her page… something I never do but I wanted to say how amazing it was for her to admit that and get the word out that there is no stigma to taking medication for mental health issues. Her words about anxiety and depression really hit home for me. So well worded and perfectly described.

Then Craig said he wanted to say something too…. And did I mind? Not at all.

His words made me cry when I read them this morning.

Wow…….. 😯

I feel very humbled and so proud that despite our difficult journey we have got to the stage where he can say all of that. It’s very lovely to hear. ♥️

Now….. I also think he should write a blog!! I’d read it!!

I have felt so much better today than I have done for a few days. I am very tired but I am calm. The terrible anxiety, drama and fear have passed. I am in awe of the effect that Health Kinesiology has on me. It’s such a powerful tool. It’s always lovely to catch up with Shelagh!

The village pub at 5.30am under the Wolf Moon

FBF was really hard this morning. I struggled but I did it. It turns out my period has started for the first time in ooooooh….. months and months! So that maybe helps explain the low mood of the last few days. Yup still sharing as it happens to half of us and the other half could do with knowing how crazy it makes us… if they don’t already know 🤣🤣

So I ate lots of biscuits at work today. A whole lot. A customer brought in about £15 worth of chocolates and biscuits. I couldn’t stop. i felt I deserved them though 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

When I finally dragged myself away from them, I got home to find out that Craig had pressure washed the whole garden.

The slabs, the decking and the grass!!! We have artificial grass because of the dogs and it needs a good clean from time to time. It looks so lovely out there I want to go and sit in it. But I won’t…. It’s freezing!!!

And yes we have two different colours of artificial grass 🤣

The sunset was looking tropical!

I’m loving the extra hour of daylight these days.

The Crochet Hookers get together tonight for the first time in 2022. We’re going to start making poppies for Remembrance this year.

Looking forward to hooking up. 🧶 see what I did there?!?

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 659 1111 days without alcohol since January 2019 ☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️

These sober days just keep racking up. I say sober and cringe a wee bit as that implies I must have been a drunk. As many of you will know by reading my blog…. I just hated the drinking version of me.

Wonder where all this money went?!?

I’ve now surpassed my longest streak and had a total of 552 days in a row without a drop. I honestly still can’t quite believe it.

I hated the person I had become. I hated the hangovers. The morning after. The fear.

I don’t have any of that now. Just a completely clear head to face all my s*** head on. That’s always a joy to behold as my head also generates a whole lot of s*** 🤣🤣

First things first… pretty skies at Tartan HQ this morning. I try to make my photos picturesque but I don’t have much to work on down there… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

♥️💜🧡
One whole extra hour of daylight since winter solstice woo hoo! Bring

My anxiety was really bad this morning before work. Stomach churning, nerve racking. I threw my arms up in the air at one question I was asked. Complete and utter despair being asked a simple question.

I’ve written out 3 full pages of A4 with the worries and thoughts that are floating round on my head. I only stopped there because I didn’t have any more time. I’m sure I could add to the list.

I’m sitting in a car park in Abbie the campervan waiting for Kinesiology. The one thing that seems to make sense to me just now. I hope Shelagh will figure out what my body is trying to tell me.

Well… wow. I will never be able to explain kinesiology but my body chose all the words from my list, that were causing me particular stress. We then went through each word to determine what the word meant to me.

To clear the stress of all of that we worked on a baby fear… something that’s been with me since birth. A fear of needing other people. This is huge for me. When I feel bad I feel like I need everyone else to fix it for me. I’m so caught up in feeling rotten just now that I need someone else to tell me what to do. Or at least I think I do.

My mind was fighting everything. Telling me that trying to fix it was a waste of time. Telling me I deserve to feel like this as I’m no use anyway.

It’s never a waste of time.

I go into Shelagh’s room tonight feeling so desperately sad. Tears not far away, anger at feeling that sad, frustration at the anxiety building back up again, not seeing a clear way out. I come back out with calm mind. A rational mind. This is a blip. I’ll get through it like I always do, it’s ok not to be ok 100% of the time.

I realise that the above reads like Swahili to most of us… 🤣🤣

Tonight I’ll do a meditation before bed as my “homework” and I will sleep like a log.

And relax……

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 658 basketball before 7am 🧺 🏀 🤣

Not many people can say that…. Well 21 folk can that were at the Fit Body Farm.

We had a great challenge this morning. One half of the team scores as many baskets as possible while the other team reaches 100m on the rowing machine, the ski-erg and 2500m on the assault bike.

There’s a great spirit to get through the metres as fast as possible so the other team score the fewer number of baskets. Who said I’m not competitive?!

The sky when I left
Strange line of light in the clouds ⛅️

I really enjoyed it. I still don’t feel the best but the anxiety has gone. I think the routine through the week helps as I can’t do anything other than the Farm and work. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Sunrise over Tartan HQ….

I spotted a CHRISTMAS TREE tonight on my way home….. I thought there was a law that said you have to have your Christmas lights down by 6th January?!?

I guess they have the right idea as lights are nice and make you smile on dark winter days.

Not much else to report from here….. ooh other than Craig made a lovely veggie curry. Super healthy and super tasty. how could I forget that. Just what I needed.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 657 a beautiful day and a wee trip to Largs ⛴🌊☀️

Well I slept the sleep of kings…. I don’t even know what that means but it sounds dramatic. 🤣🤣 I was out for the count until 9am! Was in one of those really deep sleeps you don’t ever want to wake up from. That’s a whole lot of sleep I’ve had this weekend. I’m trying not to have a nap today otherwise I’ll want one tomorrow too. 🤣🤣

I knew my head wasn’t good again. It felt better just to keep on sleeping. As least then I can try to control the chatter. It’s been incessant again all day today.

It’s a beautiful morning!

I feel really sad. The tears are never far away and honestly there is no reason that I can put my finger on. My head is calm now but it’s questioned my every waking move today.

I know that I do this to myself and no have all the tools to get me out of it yet sometimes I just really struggle to move on from it.

I drove to Largs to finally get my glasses tightened. They’ve been hanging off my nose for months!

Abbie at the famous Nardinis Ice Cream café
Largs on a cold, bright summers day
Fairly choppy
MV Catriona on loan for the Largs-Cumbrae route
Largs around the coast

Now in all the time I’ve visited Largs I have NEVER noticed this wall was a Viking ship.

One of our neighbours posted photos a while back with her kids on it!! Who knew?!?! I hunted it out today…. 🤣

St Columba’s Parish Church looking imposing next to Nardinis

I went into the pound shop to look for red wool as the Crochet Hookers are aiming to crochet poppies for Remembrance Day this year…. This bucket made me laugh.

I stopped for a Coconut Milk Latte and Vegan Breakfast in Costa Coffee. I’m not even feeling like eating meat just now either.

I guess looking back I didn’t really appreciate being in Largs. I didn’t relax like I usually do. I felt uncomfortable as if everyone was watching me. Abbie the campervan felt huge. Where would I park? (The usual place) I had my new hiking boots on… they felt huge, I questioned whether I should be driving in them…. (course I could) just a tiny wee snippet of some of the things going on in my mind.

I headed for Morrisons for a food shop. (Never been to this shop, can’t find anything, should have gone to one you know)

I tried not to buy meat and just wittered away to myself all the way round. Stupid idea trying not to eat meat. How would I get protein? What would I eat? Craig would take one look and wonder where all the real food was (he didn’t).

So I decided to head back home as I was too… nervous (?!?!?!) to drive down to Portencross Beach for some photos…..

Had a wee play with the dogs in the garden when I got back.

I decided to take Calaidh for a walk as I couldn’t cope with all 3 dogs at once. (I’m useless don’t you know…)

Sunshine over Gateside.

It’s a beautiful day today. I try to breathe in the fresh air. Appreciate the beauty.

It’s amazing the way the light changes in the winter sun. Bright with the sun behind me and dark when you take photos into the sun.

That’s the same tree as the pic before!!
Such an old tree!
Coos through the hedge
So atmospheric
Some vitamin D
Cutesie pie Calaidh
I’m sure I see something in this cloud I’m just not sure what?!? And Angel with wings maybe?! 👼🏼
Coos having a drink

I may or may not have given the pups some treats when I got home. Safe to say they were all up for it!

So that was my weekend. I’ve had a nice big rest again… but my overthinking has been out of control. I feel nervous, jittery, like I’m waiting for the worst to happen.

I have Kinesiology on Tuesday I think (I hope) so maybe get to the root cause of it all. I usually write this and have some eureka moment but not this weekend.

I’m looking forward to some exercise tomorrow morning back at FBF. I know that will help.

So yeah… Sunday night again.

So very true.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 656 housework, dog walk and a lovely cuppa ☕️ and a wee bit anxiety 😟

Awake at 7.30 this morning… almost a lie in! We’ve been watching The Handmaids Tale… Rachel tow doors down has been telling us to watch it for ages and we finally got to it! She’s right!

I’ve had bad anxiety today. I’ve felt really tearful and overwhelmed for absolutely no reason as all other than my head is lying to me.

I was about to say here that I’m sure you’re as sick of reading it as I am of writing it but that’s my head telling me I’m not good enough. This is not enough….

In an effort to calm the noise I went out with the dogs. It’s a funny day, not a breath of wind but super cloudy. Very still.

My fav trees
Here we go
Didn’t let the dogs in this fuel like as used to as they’ve been using it for sheep 🐑
The trees from behind
Arty moss dry stane dyke
All the bushes are covered in moss too

Claire came in for a cuppa late morning and she got it all….. it’s hard for me when there really is nothing bothering me other than all this noise in my head. I seem to put real pressure on myself to “perform” at weekends and I only relax when I finally let myself believe that it’s ok to rest.

She brought me these lovely flowers as she knew I wasn’t feeling full of the joys.

They’re so lovely and so lovely of her to do that 💐

It’s 2pm and I’m in bed writing this. I’ve tried to concentrate on other things, I got showered to go out then figured that the shops would be too busy so best wait until tomorrow. I went upstairs to sort through stuff to put up for sale and took some photos then decided no one would want to buy it.

Jeezo…. Will it just stop already.

I managed a good 2 hours. Me and the puppers…. We woke up just in time for Craig coming home.

Thats been me today. I feel soooooo much better after a sleep. My mind is calm.

We’ve ordered Chinese for tonight and I’m trying a veggie Satay for a change. Could be a hit or a miss but we’ll see.

A wee Scottish funny to end with…. I remember people saying this!! To be fair… they probably still do.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 655 FBF, spare room clear out, lunch in the pub then lovely nap!

FBF was amazing this morning. I was really tired. Not often do I wake up with the alarm, I’m usually awake earlier. I felt drugged and the first half of the session felt really tough.

Everyone is so friendly and it’s great to get a good bit of banter at 6am!

I always seem to find more energy towards the end of the session. Almost as if my body settles into it.

This was the view that met us when we got back… some sneaky puppies somehow got out of their bedroom while we were away.

I had to put ice on my shins when we got back. Enjoyed the ice with a lovely coffee.

I spent the morning clearing out the spare room. It’s not finished by any matter of means but I have about 5 bags for charity already.

I do find it difficult as I’m overwhelmed by stuff…. Even despite our huge clearout a few years back… I feel we have stuff everywhere and not all of it can go to charity or be sold.

As a society we create so much rubbish on a daily basis that I hate to add to it with things that just don’t have a use for anymore.

In this day and age it just feels so wrong to be throwing things out.

I kept going until about 11.30 until I needed another coffee 😬

We had lunch booked in the pub next door at 2pm…. My stomach was rumbling before we end in and it’s certainly not after that meal we had.

Chilli cheese nachos and chicken tempura
Cajun chicken salad

I was desperate to have Macaroni Cheese 🧀 but I know that the portions are huge and I still wanted to have my protein and veg 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 the best part was they brought me out a tiny ramekin of Mac n’cheese!! I scoffed the lot and then wondered why I couldn’t finish my salad 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Holly had bought me this to try….

It’s lovely! I’m so lucky that they get different alcohol free drinks for me to try. I even recommended it to a guy who came in later who was driving and he had one too. I

And then back home, electric blanket on and into bed for a few hours. My legs are sore…. I needed recuperation.

This wee face when I woke up….

Love it when her wee tongue sticks out!

So a quiet night for me in front of the tv. Might have an alcohol free gin and caffeine free Diet Coke. It makes me laugh to type that. When did life get so specific…. 😆🥳

Yet thankfully so full of peace.

Stay safe everyone ♥️🧡💜

Day 654 later than a late thing!!

Wow it’s 8.49pm and I am just home. Check me, gallivanting. She who couldn’t lift her backside off the couch last night, full of beans to meet my friend Lea for coffee tonight!

I woke at 4.45am with anxiety bubbling away. I tried every breathing exercise I could think of to stop it…. Then I picked up my phone. Not ideal but it does divert the attention. I felt like I had drunk about 4 cups of coffee.

I just got up and got lunch ready and headed into work early. Ended up not getting there very early as I faffed about leaving the house. Nothing came easily.

I could not remember the code to get into our portacabin….. which I use almost on a daily basis. I tried everything apart from THE actual code….. I had to ask one of the boys to remind me. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Work was really busy again and passed by quickly. I reckon by mid day the anxiety had passed and I settle back down but I’m not really aware of when it faded away. I felt more in control this afternoon than I have all week.

I had to come home straight after work tonight to let the dogs out and feed them as Craig was working. Then I headed up to Silverburn Shopping Centre.

Doesn’t matter how tired I am, the time passed in a flash and we’d been talking in Starbucks for over two hours!!

Had a Five cheese toastie as a treat…. Well there’s a contradiction in terms…. Not sure it has ever seen real cheese. There was a thin layer of what looked like a cheesey butter. It was rotten. The vegan brownie was deeeelicious though.

Was so great to catch up.

It’s funny as the drive there and home actually scared me a bit in the dark! I don’t drive much in the dark and that’s a long, winding road. I have these visions of someone jumping out in front of me or peaking out through the trees… active imagination or what?!?

And now I’m home…. And I sit down and realise I’ve been wearing my leggings inside out the whole time….

The best of it is the label sticking out at the back… thank god I wore a long top.

Growing older gracefully….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 653 anxiety flare without tears… that’s got to be a plus, right?!

Fit Body Farm was great this morning. It was busy too! Shot some basketball hoops, getting better at that and managed some other exercises that I’ve not been able to do before now… the side plank raising one knee towards your chest then the other. The first time I tried that a few weeks ago, I crumpled into a giggling heap on the ground!

The shower I was in flooded right around the toilet and almost out the door and this time I managed to remove the cap over the top of the plug and remove the (let’s face it… mostly my…) hair. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 Water flowed freely. Job well done!

So you can tell I’m faffing around a story. I’m super tired tonight. It’s 8.28pm and my creative juices are not flowing at all. I cancelled meeting the Crochet Hookers tonight as the minute I sat down on the couch, I felt I couldn’t move.

I think that’s Freya underneath me?!? 🤣🤣

My anxiety bubbled over this morning as if I had drunk some strong caffeine…. My head emptied and I couldn’t think straight at all. I became breathless and antsy.

Works been a challenge this week and on the grand scheme of things, for very simple reasons. I feel I have lost my control.

We moved the office around to accommodate a new desk for the new girl and I got a new laptop. Very simple things. Yet nothing I go to do has been that easy this week. Everything’s moved, new passwords for everything I try to log into, files to be moved from the old laptop and trying to determine the best training plan. All the while the day job is still needing done.

In my old life I’d have moaned the face off everyone but got on with it… now I seem to fall apart a bit more easily. Panic maybe that it’s all going to come back and spoil my good run.

That panic sentence finally brought the tears. I hit the nail on the head again. The fear that I might let everyone down by not being in control.

That’s the other reason I write this blog, to make sense of everyday things in my head.

When you suffer from anxiety you need all sorts of fail safes so you can fall back on something if your mind empties. I’ve not been able to manage these fail safe mechanisms properly as I’ve not had the same access to them.

So I was able to quietly explain to my boss that the anxiety wasn’t great, no tears, no breakdown, just the facts. Got back to my desk and got on with the list of things that need doing. By lunchtime I was back feeling more in control again.

I didn’t want to face a blog about negative chat tonight yet actually I need to take the positives from it. I now know what todays trigger was and maybe next time I’ll be able to stop it happening.

I’ve eaten a wee bit more junk than normal, comfort junk to try and make myself feel better…. 8 Quality Street are about 400 calories and they weren’t even that nice!!

There was a lovely sky outside tonight when I left… I dragged the boss man out to see it. I told him not to roll his eyes 🤣🤣

So early night for me. I’ve not moved off the couch wrapped in a blanket.

Tomorrow is another day and I will keep on going as I always do. Oooh more tears there. Big softie.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️