At least I can laugh at myself. You want to have seen the meal I made of filling up with diesel this morning…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I would like to try and pass this off as some kind of menopausal brain melt but I may be pushing it…. 🙄😬

So I leave early as we are really busy at work and decide to stop at Sainsbury’s for fuel along the way. Here is the catalogue of errors that followed…..

• Faff about trying to scan club card under the slot for the bank card
• Find the scanner and scan but then try to fit the bank card in above it… nope that’s not where it goes
• Find the payment card slot… put it in upside down
• Have to do it all again…. Much faster second time round
• Take the pump out and stand pressing like a loony….. how can the girls at the counter not see I’m trying to refuel… cursing them under my bresth
• Turn back to the machine which shows its back to the start telling me to pay at the kiosk
• FORGOT TO ENTER PIN DETAILS BEFORE TRYING TO FILL
• BACK TO THE START… do it all again and then card declined
• Drive forward to the other pump and do it all again…. This time in the right order and finally I can start to re-fuel
• Pump clicks every 10 seconds hinting the tank it’s full…. I know it’s not
• Finally a full tank of fuel

Now is it just me or do you all have these moments?! That was totally on me. No one else just me not concentrating one iota!!!

So I’m no earlier for work as I lost the extra 15 minutes detouring and messing up refuelling!!

So other than that I’ve had the best Monday in ages. I’ve been in control, working through lists, getting stuff done. Not like me on a Monday…..

One thing that does surprise me is that my ability to make small talk seems to have left me. I feel there’s more to life than small talk but given a huge part of my job will require it I better get used to it again. 😬🤫🙄🤣

So I didn’t get away until 5.30 tonight so I’m super tired, on the couch with two bagels and chocolate watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. Poor Craig is working until 9.30 so I’ll be long gone by then!

I’m also meeting my brother and friends for dinner in Edinburgh tomorrow so given than I will work 8-4 then drive to South Queensferry until 5.30 then train into Edinburgh for dinner at 6.15 then back to the train station out to South Queensferry then drive back home….. there is a fair certainty that there will be no blog tomorrow night. I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

Oh and I deleted soooooo many photos from my phone yesterday’s I can highly recommend the Cleanup app.

I still have 44,000 pics to sort through but that’s way more bearable that 56,000.

‘Scuse language…… but this next one….. wow!

Have to end with a nice one ❤️🧡💛💜

Stay safe everyone 🧡💛💜

Another lovely calm day. Bloody love it.

I’m sitting where right now.

Gulping in the sea air. (Sorry that made me laugh….. I’m reading a book just now where they gulp their hot tea to wash down their cake and it makes me chuckle….)

I’m gulping in the sea air to last me for the week until I can be here again on Saturday.

Saturday afternoon we sail to Arran.

For those locals amongst you… yes this is the ferry sailing back to Ardrossan so another bit of poetic licence. This is the Isle of Arran….

It’s so calming down here. The car park is fairly busy but every one seems to disappear somewhere when they are down here.

Unlike Largs. Where I have just come from. Largs is trying to rival Blackpool Pleasure Beach today.

Actually this particular photo doesn’t do it justice…. It looks empty! Each to their own and just not my cup of tea. Loud music…. All playing over each other…. Hundreds of people all crowded round… and I walked right through the middle of it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I did manage to catch the back of the Waverley Paddle Steamer leaving Largs. Couldn’t get close enough to get a pic without the lady…… 😬🤣

So back to the present.

I’m perched out on the barnacle rocks… always forget to bring a wee cushion to sit on. These are awfy sharp barnacles.

Even though I’m writing this while I sit here I’m soaking up the surroundings. This is my calm place. I can literally see 6 people from where I’m sitting and they are nowhere near me. I was never this much of a loner before. I love the solitude now. (Craigs home watching football so he’s happy too!!)

There really is no sound other than the rippling of the tide… some crazy thing that just buzzed in my ear and the chattering in my head. 🤣

So the clearing out of photos….. I downloaded an app called Cleanup. I had 56,000+ photos between my phone and my iCloud account and I knew that I had the same photos saved loads of times too.

Cleanup costs £26.49 a year but actually it’s been amazing all day today. It’s been working away in the background and has got rid of about 9,000 photos so far. It’s still a work in progress so I’ll see how it ends up.

It’s currently going through the 39,000’s so still a way to go. It’s been at it all day…. Which is hardly surprising I suppose.

I just tried to move and I was literally stuck to the barnacles. The tide is coming in!

I managed to reverse very carefully u like the last time I was here…. I’m back home now and the sun is coming out. I knew it wanted to!!

So another Sunday evening reminder that you can handle everything life throws at you this week. Remember to breathe between the trigger and the response. I’m working at this…. still. 😬🤫🤣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oh what a dramatic start to the day…. Well actually I have to back peddle a bout to 2.32am. WIDE AWAKE. At least until 4am.

Last nights takeaway did not go down well and my mind was whirling with activity. I did finally fall back to sleep.

We were woken by some “woo-woo-wooing” about 7.30am… Bhruic’s way of saying she’s awake without barking the house down. Thoughtful of her. Still has the same affect. Me…. Awake.

Up and straight out with the dogs. What a beautiful morning.

So I’ll talk briefly about all the morning drama before 9am… then I will post the lovely pics to cheer us all up again.

I’m joint admin on a non-drinking group on FB. Chief admin posted something very dear to their heart, something they are very passionate about. The first comment I saw said “and we’re done” the second comment said “ I’m sorry this is not the place for this kind of discussion, I’m going to report you”.

Now COVID is a very emotive subject these days. We do our best to keep “political views” and COVID-19 views out of our dialogue. We are, at the end of the day, a group focussed on helping each other to become alcohol free. Now I have never personally met any of these people but they were with me through the darkest times in my life and always had the right things to say when I needed it. I consider many of them to be good friends. I guess what I’m saying is I couldn’t have the group split up by a post that rocked our culture to its very core.

I deleted it.

We have ejected members of the group for a lot less.

Now those of you who know me or have followed my journey… will have some idea that I could never, ever have done this in the past.

If I speak my truth I will be calm.

I had to do something. Chief admin has every right to be very upset but as admin we cannot abuse our position. These people are not a part of the group to follow us. They are a part of the group for support to give up booze. There was zero mention of the whole ethos of our group in the post.

I spoke my truth and I am calm. And pretty chuffed with myself as a result.

So drama 1 done for now….. Drama 2 our Village pub next door had to shut again as both kids now have COVID caught at school….. we go on holiday a week today. We’ve been in the pub and just can’t help feeling that it’s way to close to us and way to close to our holiday. This would be a tough one to deal with if……

So it’s now maybe 9.10am…… and just as a reminder…. All this on day 14 of no anti-d’s to take the strain.

Back to the lovely dog walk.

After I messaged yesterday about the list of things I hadn’t achieved this week my friend Lesley suggested GMK Autoparts in Dalry for air con regassing….. and here we are by 9.30am.

What a great place. I bought air fresheners and screen wash and it was just over £60!

What a lovely guy that worked there too. Chatted away about holidays and dogs etc.

The air con is amazing. Out of this world actually and it’ll make it so much more bearable to drive in the heat…. As we step into autumn…. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So I popped into Lidl’s afterwards as Craig and I have become a bit obsessed with their fresh baked pretzels 🥨

I came home and spent the morning cleaning out the van and packing things back in. The air freshener smells fab! Hopefully it’s calmed down a bit before we have to sleep in the van next week…. And then I sat down in the garden to have a coffee. That was an hour ago. It’s hot. It’s lovely.

I hung 2 washings out to dry and then Claire popped in with a bottle of Eisberg non alcohol wine and some Squashies as they are getting some work done next week and she’s apologising for the noise in advance. I like an advanced apology for something that will never bother us anyway. Methinks more advanced apologising is necessary in the world 🤣🤣🤣

Craig and I sat out for a bit and have been back out in the van sampling aircon and air freshners and putting things away. It’s the cleanest the van has been in a long time!

So despite the difficult things I’ve dealt with this morning I’ve felt super positive today. I’m proud of myself for speaking up for what I believe in.

I still feel calm and ready for a good nights sleep.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow…. Today has passed in a blur! I’ve not stopped. No breakfast other than coffee, my lunch only cake…. at 5.30pm!

Slept like a log last night until 7.20am…. Must have been all that angry energy that tired me out yesterday. Positively amazing long lie.

We had an appointment at a kennels in Lochwinnoch at 10am. We are looking to put Bhruic and Freya into kennels for the 2nd week of our holiday and just take Calaidh with us.

The lady who runs it was lovely. I already knew that as we’d spoken for ages before I went up!! They have Border Collies and Poodles and a litter of each at the moment if anyone’s interested. I did not take photos….. I know… epic fail. 🤷🏻‍♀️

By the time we left there I was running so late as I had to get down to Tartan HQ by 11am and actually didn’t get there until 11.36….. I then had to clean the inside and wash the outside as we were taking Abbie the camper van to a job fair this afternoon in Ayr.

This is how we rolled this afternoon. 😂 here’s Stuart showing off our stand. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I parked in the wrong place…. Directed in by someone…. Someone else comes along with a tap on the window…. “Ye cannae park here….. anywhere else but no here”….. now to be fair to him I was parked in the EMERGENCY VEHICLES ACCESS….. well I didn’t know that….. 🥴🤷🏻‍♀️😂 why did the first guy put me there?!?

We’re looking to take on a couple of kickstarters to help out with our upholstery and conversion departments. We have two great kids at the moment but they can only stay with us for 6 months. The Kickstarter programme is funded by Universal Credit.

So…… while I had a lovely afternoon and actually did get a shortcake biscuit and 2 custard creams….. it did not quite meet with our expectations. 🥴

I should say that my personal observations (and in no way those of Tartan Campers) was that there were more Universal Credit or Job Centre staff along with companies….. than there were kids looking for work.

We spoke to ONE person. That’s not fair…. We spoke to a lot of folk (staff!) so it was actually a great chance to advertise our conversion and rental business but we spoke to two actual people about a job…..one of them was actually training to be a pilot but was told he had to go to the job fair. How ridiculous eh?!

Seems a bit of a waste of Government resources and a tick box exercise to let everyone see that we are tying to encourage people into work.

To be fair the programme is great as Stuart found a great first two… but the replacements did not appear today.

I got to show off my van.

That was pretty cool.

And those biscuits were great too.

Oh and Abbie is clean!!

So I’m out in the sun now. It’s a lovely evening again.

The sun is right behind that branch just now. I’d love to go to the coast for sunset but I’m too tired and up early tomorrow.

Today’s been a good day. Even while I was rushing today I was calm.

Takeaway for dinner tonight. And a Freixenet 0% fizz.

I picked up my glass to take a sunset selfie and there’s a wasp floating in it!!!!!!

Stay safe everyone 🐝🥂🐝

18.40 and I’m just in the door…. Been a busy day! I’m ok so don’t worry about the slippery slope……but I’m not sure I helped myself through any of it with frustration and irritability today. There was a wee kid having a tantrum in my head at almost everything today.

I had a great sleep and a lie in until 6.29am….. woke up and read something that sent me into some beyond insane frustration levels. Now the sender and content is irrelevant but when someone has such differing views to mine I go into some angry orbit determined to try to bring them peace…. And in one fell swoop destroy my own.

I cannot allow myself to think about governments taking away our freedom and conspiracy theories because quite frankly, I don’t care. I need my peace.

But I care enough when people I care about believe it all. I think I feel despair at peoples differing views. As they do of mine.

My healing journey does not need differing views. It needs love and sea, sunshine, flip flops, cake, chocolate….. you get the gist.

Anyway so in my Tasmanian Devil whirlwind I set off into the day walloping into everything I did.

Simple questions that start with “have you done……. yet…..” ORBIT!

As someone a question and get a daft answer…. ORBIT!

The orbits were all inside my head…. Jumping from pillar to post. Not focusing on anything properly.

My mind was revelling in the chaos and just attracting more of it.

I’m writing this now and even the dogs are annoying me. Barking at every wee noise while I try to compose my ramblings!!!

So despite all that I had a good day at work. Met with a lovely customer and enjoyed the visit but that’s the reason in a bit late home. That and stopping for wine for my beloved, darling husband cause that’s how lovely I am.

I had to buy wine I can’t drink so I bought the following….

The chocolate was gone by the time I got home. That’s shocking isn’t it. The crisps are super hot…… almost too hot. That p’d me off too!!

So in amongst all of this today I’m trying to book a trip to view some kennels for our holiday, arrange for my aircon in my car to be regassed, order a new awning for my van. All before we go away next week.

As I write that i realise it’s nothing but it makes me irritated as all I did was arrange the kennel visit….

I’ve eaten a roll with fried egg and potato scone for breakfast, crisps and cake for lunch and that bar of chocolate for dinner. Wonder where my energy is coming from?!?!

Home just in time for the sun going down. I wanted to go on a paddle board lesson down at the coast tonight for sunset but I didn’t even get a chance to say to Craig about it let alone think of booking it. It would have been beautiful.

I’m working some of tomorrow now as we’re taking Abz to a job fair but the forecast looks good for the weekend so I will make a point of getting the washing all done and chilling in the sun. Not necessarily in that order!

Even getting them to sit and stay was no mean feat there!!

It’s ok I hear myself…..

Nothing a good sleep won’t fix. And a list tomorrow. To tick off.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Last night I decided I would be ok for the Fit Body Farm this morning.

Dizzy ❌

Exhausted ❌

Relaxed ✅

Tell that to my body at 4.45am when Craig’ alarm went off. What a ridiculous time to get up! I scanned for possible excuses but honestly had none so out of bed and ready for action. 🏋🏻‍♀️🤸🏻‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🚴🏼‍♀️

It was a beautiful morning this morning. Very Misty in places but the promise of another scorcher. The only negative being that the sun rose in the middle of our workout and I was actually beside myself that I was missing it!! It was a huge red ball in the sky. Just stunning. 🌄

I ran about like a loony trying to capture it when Gavin was explaining the next moves. I was a wummin possessed!!

What a stunning place to have to work out! We could be stuck in the centre of Glasgow and instead we get this! We are so lucky.

It was a great workout this morning called Postman Pat. Can’t remember the relevance but it was something to do with working the same muscle group for a while until it said no. 😁🥴🤣

I drove to work in the lap of luxury this morning. I had Craig’s car….. aircon and a smooooooooth drive. None of this ram shackling a van through country roads. I arrived at work all cool, calm and collected.

It’s been so hot all day! We’ve invested in fans for our metal portacabin, just in time for winter 🥶 😂 I wonder how quickly the weather will turn now that we have them?!?

So here I am again, 6.30pm sitting outside. There’s no housework getting done. We have to enjoy the sun when it’s here. This could be it… the last few days of summer. Course we hope it stays around until we get our summer holiday in a week and a half! 🏝🌊☀️🩳🏖

I am on day 11 of no anti depressants (for about 25 years remember….) and the second day in a row of feeling good. I’m pretty pleased that I can find this level of calm without them. It’s been a hairy 10 days or so of ups and downs but on the grand scheme of things it’s been nothing. I feel like I’m finding an even keel. She says. Hoping with fingers and toes crossed 🤞🏼

I’m listening to a Eckhart Tolle podcast with Oprah Winfrey just now and it’s based on his new book A New Earth.

Each podcast covers a chapter in the book. The first podcast seemed a bit religious (now offence meant to anyone just my observation which made me a bit unsure of it!) but it’s more spiritual than anything else. It’s very deep but I find I am ready to listen to what he has to say. The focus is on appreciating the present without trying to play a role. You just have to be. How to be at peace NOW.

I am at peace right now.

I think this is an amazing gift to be able to live like this and to appreciate each moment for what it is. I can’t say I manage it all the time but I am trying to focus on it. To make peace with the present.

Eckhart Tolle podcast

I’ve attached the link if anyone is interested. I’m on chapter 4 already and it’s keeping me interested on my drive to and from work. Tonight… again… in wonderful aircon.

So yeah Gateside Hookers crochet tonight in the village pub so looking forward to a good matter with the girls and putting the world to tights…. As is now the standing joke from a previous blog typo. 🥴🤣😂

Stay safe everyone 🌄🌄🌄

Could it be true that for maybe only the sconce time in 512 days I have very little to say! Bet work read this and think “well no wonder as you never shut up all day!!!“

I have had a good day.

This is my view now. It’s been another hot one!

My anxiety was high this morning leaving for work. I have developed a random fear of dropping things off for people at their houses…. Where does that come from? Like I’m not worthy to interrupt them. If I say it in here then no one will ask me to do that 😆🥴🤣🤣🤣

Anyway I have something to drop off to someone and instead of just doing it my mind comes up with all kind of plans… that I know aren’t necessary but my anxiety tells me they are… so that anxiety can get more anxious. Clever!!!

So I set off all anxious today but actually made a point of thinking positively anytime something slipped into my mind.

I am nowhere near as dizzy as I was on Sunday.

I haven’t had the squeam. (Feeling sick!)

We had a great meeting at work this morning and I love being part of Tartan. It feels good to belong to something again.

Morrison’s delivered out food shopping and I had a good chat with the guys at the door.

It’s 18.38 and I’m sitting in the garden and all I hear are pigeons in the distance.

The road outside is quiet.

My head is calm but I’m not exhausted like I was yesterday.

Today I see my progress.

It’s so calm and quiet out here. Except for the odd woo woo woo from Freya. I just woo woo woo’d back to her….

I wish I could bottle this up.

That was a lot of words for someone who had none.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Yeah I definitely wished it was Sunday….. maybe I just don’t do Mondays anymore?!?!

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm as I was still really dizzy last night when I went to bed. The dizziness has been much better than yesterday but today brought the squeam…. I love that word 🤷🏻‍♀️😆 I’ve just felt so squeamish on and off all day. I work with a girl who’s pregnant so I told her I’d borrowed her morning sickness today.

Don’t panic though I have managed to work all day and to eat a small breakfast and lunch so I won’t pass out with lack of food. Chance would be a fine thing. 🥴

We had lots of customers in today so I’ve spent a large amount of time “entertaining…” and it would appear in my reduced capacity that I struggled with small talk. 😆

So it was a super busy day at work. So lovely to see the sun coming out again though and it turned super hot later on. our portacabin was melting!

It was 38.3C in Abbie the camper van when I left work. I rolled both windows right down and had the best breeze flowing through.

Now how interesting is this and something very well worth thinking about. When we struggle with things in life we need to remember who we came from. These people all had their own struggles to live through and all of that gets passed down to us.

Craigie made me a lovely dinner tonight and handed me a glass of Nozeco.

Was amazing and a perfect end to a tiring day. I have my feet up being very lazy but i hope it will give me a bit more ooomph for tomorrow!!

Stay safe everyone 💙💜💙

Oh my actual word. 😳 Sleeping for 12 hours with only a half hour awake. Bed at 22.17 and awake at 10.22. Wow that’s been a while.

It was the best feeling. Reminiscent of the times where I was exhausted when “off sick” and just needed to sleep it through but it was a lovely feeling. No racing mind just sleep. Eyes opening… then no…. Shut them again. Sleep.

I am very dizzy today. I think I’m mentioned that before. I had wee waves of it while we were away but it passes. This morning it’s all over the place. I feel like I can’t walk straight.

So I looked up this….

Honestly I feel so much better about it. Its been bothering me and I’ve been trying so hard to ignore it and pretend it was nothing. It’s just one of those things and means the Sertraline is pouring out of my system. And that is very ok by me. (Reading that back is rather I wasn’t as dizzy obviously but hey…)

I’m emotional too this morning. The tears are burning in my eyes but I’m gonna let that go too as it’s ok. It doesn’t mean I will be a quivering wreck for the rest of my adult life. That’s my biggest fear just now. That I’ll let everyone down by falling back to the wreck that I was.

So a quick chat with the wiseman Craigie and I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel today with catastrophizing it into the next big thing. I feel a bit shit. Everyone has off days.

Oh this next one……

I popped into Claire’s for a cuppa and the worlds largest empire biscuit!!! It was soooo good. Sadly no photo but check this handsome boy who came out for a wander!

Claire gave me a lovely wee gift!

The sun came out and it’s super hot. Just as well as the garden had become a laundry!

Even the tent is drying out but check those clouds…..

They are almost olive green in colour! I took this as I had Abbie’s pop top open and I went to close it before the rain. Not even sure the pic did the colour justice.

Then the heavens opened. We knew it was only a matter of time but everything is back inside just in time! It’s so dark…

I am proud of myself today. (Ooooh check me…. Thousands and thousands of pounds worth of therapy to get to this stage!!) I had a very wobbly morning but I’ve managed to pull it back. I’ve been very dizzy today, my head is swimming. I am allowing myself to feel it. It’s not the end of the world.

Anyone need to borrow a dog then I will happily lend one out for petting…

This is your Sunday evening reminder to make some time for yourself this week. Breathe. We got this. And we got sunshine coming too. Which always helps.

Stay safe everyone 💛🧡❤️

It’s been raining all day. As my Gran would say… it’s that fine rain that soaks you!! yes… I know… it all does but you know what she meant!

It started to rain early evening so we moved under the canopy.

Craigs new camp lights were amazing. We were lucky that no planes landed while we were sitting there…

It rained a lot overnight. I had the van to myself again and Craig was in the tent with the dogs. (😬😆) There was a drip up on the roof that sounded a bit like some form of water torture but I soon got over it. I pulled the mattress out the pop top down onto the bed and slept like a log. This time until about 7.30am…. almost like a lie in…. In our world 😵‍💫😆

It was dry for a bit. Cheese toasties for breakfast in the Ridgemonkey were amazing!

Freya and Bhru thought so too!

So our wee campsite trial worked. The dogs did not get runny tummies as they were free to move around as they wanted to, they weren’t tied up on leads the whole time we were on the campsite. What a difference not having to get up all through the night to let them out.

It started to rain again as we packed up but it was super fine rain but we were soaked really quickly. Everything in the van was wet.

We had a lovely drive home down the Perth Tourist route as I think there was a road closure on the motorway. Google maps kept finding us better ways to go… so it said.

We stopped at the Strawberry Farm Shop!

What a lovely wee place. Very expensive but lovely! We got strawberries (obviously!), raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, a yellow courgette, kumatoes (?!?) which are very dark coloured tomatoes.

It was such a nice place. A jar of lemon or orange curd would only set you back £5.90….. as much as the orange curd talked to me… I left it there! 🍊🍋

Oh I did have a slice of Aero Mint chocolate fudge type stuff…. Wow and Craig had lemon drizzle cake. Had to be done and way cheaper than the orange curd!

We got home just after 1pm and emptied the wet van into the house. It was still raining.

We both had a much needed shower and have settled down in front of the fire. They tidying up can wait until tomorrow.

I never like the end of a holiday no matter how short it was. Today feels wasted to me. We woke up, packed up, came home and did nothing.

However… that said a wee chill out in front of the fire in the dry had been lovely.

I’ve had some Nosecco this afternoon which has now been rebranded Nozeco. That’s a new thing and I wondered why…. I looked that up…. It seems that they lost a court battle with Italian Prosecco. Huh, who knew!!? I’ve been mixing my Nozeco with fresh orange this afternoon to get the vit C in…. While munching on all the fruit we bought earlier.

Our “summer holiday” is only a fortnight away so we have lots to plan for our next trip. If only we knew what the weather would do…. Then we could take half the stuff we usually do!

It’s gonna be a scorcher up here this week. Can’t wait! Looking forward to getting everything dried out and cleaned ready for the off again.

Have a great Saturday night!

Stay safe everyone 🍓🍊🍋

I just love being in the countryside. It’s so peaceful. I can hear the odd distant car and birds chirping. There in only one other van on the whole campsite. And the sun has just come out!

We had a lovely evening. We sat out until 10.30 chatting around the fire. The dogs went into the tent to sleep.

Craig got smoke in his eyes at a crucial moment but love Calaidh watching me.

I slept pretty well. It’s not the comfiest of beds in the world but last night I had the whole van to myself!!! Craig and the puppers slept in the tent. Now…. Those of you who know me well….. you know I love my husband and dogs…. But… I mean…. Hullo…. Is this not the way forward?!?!?

My morning view….

Then I was spotted….. mums awake… yay!!!

Here they come……. Quick shut the door!!

Straight away we got the fire going again and had coffee. Love, love, love a campfire coffee.

Took the dogs for a walk round the one way dog walk loop. You can’t let them off which is a shame but still…. They get a decent walk. There’s a lovely wild flower garden on the way in to the campsite. Was the look I was going for with my meadow garden at home and failed at…. 🤷🏻‍♀️😆

We then fried bacon and heated croissants….

Turns out there’s a fine line between heating a croissant and burning it….. just need to be on the ball… I got there.

By about 11 the sun came out and it’s shorts time again!

Spotted this Scotland flag flying across the field from us. A wee proud “love my country” moment!

Just loving the set up we have here. I don’t think we are ever truly able to relax on a campsite with 3 dogs.

I now have my feet up on my “blow up ottoman” in front of the fire and will stay that way until the sun goes in!!

Ok so the sun didn’t stay around but it was out for a good hour or so. I finished my book….. I actually cried as it was sad at the end. I had tears streaming down my face!! I’ve not had emotions like that for so long as the Setraline numbed it all. Thanks Evelyn for keeping me going in books for most of this year!

I started another book (thanks to mum for the next huge stash… Evelyn these could come your way!) and then climbed up into the pop top for a quick nap.

While Craig took the puppers for another walk.

I had a good wee nap up there and woke up to the puppers trying to find me!!

We’re trying out Craig’s new smoker today so we are being maple wood and smoking fish on top of the fire.

What an amazing smell!! The fish we smoked just tasted like fish to be fair….. is like to say maple smoked fish but disappointingly… just fish.

Next up is Camembert with red onion relish.

Served with crusty bread. A camping must from now on. No need for any dinner tonight!

I’m still roasting ma tootsies in front of the fire.

There have been about 4 spots of rain but nothing more. It’s been a lovely lazy day sotting around a camp fire.

Nothing else matters when you stare into the flames.

And throw the odd tennis ball for a happy pupper. 🎾🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Stay safe everyone 🎾🎾🎾

We are on holiday tonight and tomorrow!! It’s not been the easiest of days and there’s been a whole lot of stress and tension floating around but we are here now. The pitch is lovely. It’s very quiet and there is only one other van and one tiny tent on our campsite. Our idea of heaven. Why?!? Because we have a fenced off pitch and the puppers are off their leads!!!

And relax……

I had THE most amazing sleep last night. Probably because I had about 5 hours the night before to be fair.

My alarm went off at 6.30am. Of course it did…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😆 we got up at 8am and had coffee. Went then spent the next few hours getting ready to go away. We brought a lot of stuff with us this time as we are trying out Craig’s new kit so we had to figure how best to pack everything and give the dogs space. And then the fridge in the van wasn’t working. I can hear my moany voice now…. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆

I phoned work and they said to drive past on the way and they could look at it so we had to pack as best we could to give them access to the leisure battery etc.

Anyway, we set off about 11.30 and then the fuel light came on… of course it did so we had to stop for fuel. By this time we’re both hangry!

I was having a negative change in emotional state 😆🤣

Into Tartan HQ and they all got to meet the pups! We’d blown a fuse (😆 not that surprising!) so got that replaced and we’re on our way by about 1ish.

Salubrious Burger King 🍔 for lunch as we were so hungry we couldn’t think straight. I had a halloumi burger which was actually really tasty. Then normal service was resumed!!

From Kilmarnock to Glasgow, Stirling, Perth and then Blairgowrie for Tesco and then to GG & Belles Campsite.

Our pitch is fully fenced off so the dogs are loving the freedom. What a difference not having to worry about them.

We have Craig’s tent attached to the van.

It literally pulls up like this and clicks into place.

We got our shorts on….

There’s a mile long one way dog walk round the farm. The idea is obviously that you don’t meet anyone coming towards you. They’ve thought of everything for dogs that might not be happy meeting other dogs .

Back for some fire!!!!

So as you can see from the pics there is no view from your pitch but it’s the price you pay for more relaxed dogs.

Dinner cooking on a open fire. The sunshine gone and it’s cooler but I’m still in shorts. Hey… we’re on holiday. 😆

Stay safe everyone 🐶⛺️🚐

Wide awake…. 3.30am. Not just a wee bit awake. Wide!

Got up at 5am for the Fit Body Farm and felt like I’d been up all day but the time I got there. It was a good strength workout today. it was drizzly at the start but it dries up pretty quickly which was good as we often get soaked on a Wednesday morning!

I felt really dizzy again this morning but just shut my eyes through some of the exercises and that made it much better! Can’t imagine how daft you look exercising with your eyes shut….but better that than not doing it at all. (On my read through I had said I shit my eyes…..🤭😁🙄)

I took my hairdryer to FBF today and actually dried my hair after my shower for the first time ever. Didn’t make a blind bit of difference to be fair but it felt different for a change. nice to make an effort.

I had a lovely customer in this morning and we got chatting about mental health in the workplace. He had a very similar experience to me years back and it was so interesting to hear his story. Very rewarding chat and just goes to show you have no idea how many people go through similar things.

I am amazed at how easily I meet like minded people and can really connect with them. I have never met the lovely lady who sent this next pic to me…. We connected on FB over a walking page and her posts were so informative and interesting (with stunning pics!) that I took a shine to her straight away 🥰

I really need to accept this just now and realise that Rome wasn’t built in a day. My journey is taking time and that’s all there is to it. I can’t rush it and just have to take each day at a time and appreciate living in the present moment. The past is gone and the future is mine to enjoy.

Awfy busy day today and didn’t get away until 5pm. I got really grouchy trying to get things finished and get away…. then remembered how long I’d been awake. Fair enough 😁 grouchy is acceptable… 🤣

Mum and dad had a wee day out yesterday that I thought I’d share in the blog as I loved mums photos.

They went on The Big Hare Trail in North Berwick…. Now….mums maiden name is Hair and my Grandpa was brought up in Direlton near North Berwick so they couldn’t miss out on this!!

Leuchie House celebrates its 10th anniversary this year and has brought something BIG to East Lothian…

The Big Hare Trail is a spectacular public art event that sees, in partnership with Wild in Art, a drove of 10 giant Hares hopping their way across North Berwick from Saturday, 10th July for 10 weeks in 2021. Hare sculptures, each one individually designed by an artist and sponsored by a business, form a free, fun, family-friendly trail of discovery for local people to explore and enjoy!

What a lovely thing to hunt for! Especially when you’re a Hair from that area! They had a lovely day while we had a cloudy day at Tartan HQ….. booooo!

That’s me! The cha-cha-cha-girl! it’s been a good day.

I’m off to meet the Hookers tonight so better look out my crochet as not touched it in weed. Have a blanket to make for mum and I really better get on with it!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

What a difference a day makes. The relief of being “back to normal” is sooooo good. I feel calm, relaxed and more importantly in control.

I almost can’t believe how manic yesterday seemed now looking back. I could read yesterday’s blog and wonder what all the fuss was about. Who is the mad wummin?!?

I woke at 5am but stayed in bed till 6.30am. I opened my eyes and did a kind of body scan. I felt dizzy but I knew the anxiety had gone.

The lightheaded feeling had gone by the time I left for work…

Sitting at my desk and my mind is clear and focussed. I know what needs doing and I can answer questions clearly without that “Kermit” anxiety attack panic.

So today was a big day at work for me! I did the customer handover for the van I helped spec in one of my first weeks at Tartan HQ. It’s the first one to come full circle!!

The lovely girl brought Prosecco for me and beers for the guys to thank us. How lovely eh?! I gave the boys the Prosecco to fight over. 😆

This brought a wee tear. All the way from Canada. After yesterday this was just wow….

I still don’t love myself and I give myself a hard time just for being me. It’s not as if I’m a bad person, I have no idea why I’m always so hard on myself.

I had kinesiology tonight with Shelagh and we did some work that hit me from left field.

If I can’t be open…. What do I think of myself?

Just to ponder that question. All of a sudden. Floods of tears. Out of the blue. From nowhere. Never saw that coming.

Being open is the one thing that justifies me being me. I need everyone to know how I’m feeling so I can relax and excuse myself in any situation. Everyone will go easy on me if they know how I feel deep down.

Jeez I have a dreadful opinion of myself that I need everyone else to justify that it’s ok for me to be me.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone as it’s only just making sense to me. I’m embarrassed my lack of calmness at times yet I need everyone to know when it happens?!? Go figure?!

I am embarrassed being labelled as “stressed”. I see that as failure.

I’m embarrassed when I get over excited about something as I hear myself chirping like a budgie.

But…. If everyone knows what I’m “going through” on a daily basis then I can allow myself to be me. Wow. You need to sort your head out girl.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 actually we just did that at Kinesiology. ♥️ I don’t know where I would be without Shelagh and her amazing treatment. And… I got two of THE best hugs.

All in all today has been a great day. What a difference from yesterday and such a relief.

Who knows tomorrow might be all sweetness and light. Here’s hoping 🤞🏼

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Jeezo man my mind has been playing tricks on me this morning.

I didn’t think I could manage the Fit Body Farm this morning because I was tired…. Is talked to myself for a good 15 mins about the pros and cons. I got up out of bed and just did it. No bother.

I felt great after the work out, shower and heading to work. Got into the office and came over all crazy anxious.

This is not Kermit the Frog… this is actually me this morning at my desk.

I can laugh at it now but honestly this is what it felt like. I’m so busy being anxious that I actually can’t think straight at all.

I try to shake it out of my head. I try to breathe but I don’t take enough time doing either. I breathe fast instead of slow convincing myself I can’t do it ….saying “see it’s not working you stupid woman”

Did any of you ever watch ‘Allo ‘Allo back in the 80’s?

Renee would say this to his wife every time he was caught in an uncompromising position with one of the waitresses in his cafe. (he was always legit. in an uncompromising position…..)

It’s his voice I hear in my head!

I feel ditsy, breathless, my head empties at the simplest of tasks. Literally some kid inside my brain throws it’s hands up in the air and goes “nope not a clue, I don’t know that, can’t do it, am useless, know nothing…..” you get the drift.

The tears are burning in my eyes threatening to spill. They don’t.

Not until later on this afternoon. But hey… it was coming.

So this morning I explain to boss man and we talk through it and I feel so much better. I need to hear myself say how irrational it all is. There is nothing bothering me. Just my own thoughts.

I carry on through the day. I try to make a call with the calculator on my phone and wonder where the ring button is. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 I make the girl laugh at the end of the phone as she answers I’m giggling away.

I have a couple of uncomfortable conversations this afternoon. They make me question my strength, my recovery. A few tears spill over.

How can I function if my anxiety is going to be like this all the time? (a small part of one day!!!)

Back to square one so soon. (hardly!!!)

I seem to love the negative when I’m in this headspace. I chance fo flay myself for anything and everything that happens.

It sucks.

And then a little birdie tells me about this……

Heavy…. Very.

Painful…. A fair bit

Ok so maybe I have another reason for not feeling my best. Interesting. I’ll take that for now and maybe try to calm down again and realise the world isn’t ending because I’ve felt a bit off today.

It’s ok…. I hear myself 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😬🙄

So I’m sorry for the rant but I feel much better for having written in down.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

We’ve had the best day and it’s just been getting things done and relaxing but it’s hit the spot for me.

I’ve been tired after a 5 day working week and 3 5am starts at the Fit Body Farm. I am shocked to find that it’s actual 5pm on Sunday and the weekend is almost perfect. Booooo to a 5 day week. It has shown me how much I appreciate my 4 days. I’m loving working but it just gives me that extra day at the weekend to regroup.

I could have done without the old “time of the month” as I roll off my meds. It’s the one time of the month that I get a wee bit overwhelmed with emotions at the best of times.

I’ve felt a bit sick with stomach cramps but on the grand scheme of things my mood is still good.

I was out for a food shop and back BEFORE 9am this morning. Craig had walked the dogs and done a poo pick in the garden BEFORE 9am….. on a Sunday. I mean…. Check us!!!

I think that’s why it’s been such a good day as we were up early and got loads done. Craig has blitzed the dogs room and washed all the dog bedding.

He said today…. “Well you usually do it but I’ve done it today”….. and I said “oh wow you’ve cleaned a bathroom?!?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I then went in for the high five!!!! He’s done all of the washing, which with the dogs stuff, has been 5 loads!!

I put away all the food, wrote a list of what’s in the fridge as that helps me decide what to eat through the week… I read my book and I had the best nap.

This is how a nap rolls in my house….. Craig even came and put my eye mask on…..

When I woke up I did say I could get him a wooden spoon to bang on some pots if he wanted… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤭🙄😬

Not complaining in the slightest. 🥰

Now for this……

I do have a little bit of fear of my new direction but it’s important that I appreciate that and try to relax to help manage it.

My anxiety has been a bit bubbly over this last week or so.

This is the best way I can describe it. It feels like a nervous, fluttery, bubbly feeling that blows up from nothing and with virtually no notice.

At the moment it’s most likely to happen at work but that’s just because I’m trying to do the right thing, keep everyone happy and second guess what “that” is all the time. However, I am very aware of it which is miles ahead of where I’ve been in the past.

And I do love what I’m doing and being a part of the team.

So this is your Sunday evening reminder that we have all got this….. be grateful for all the good things in your life and nothing can stand in your way when you are truly grateful.

I am. I’ve had a lovely weekend. And I am calm.

Long may that continue.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Poor mum…… being wakened by an excited Bhruic is an experience and a half…. a baptism of fire…. Actually of lots of wet slobbery licks and being jumped all over!!! She is super exuberant in the morning. 😆

The dogs were a bit restless last night. It was windy out and I don’t know if they were barking at random noises or they were excited to have a visitor. To be fair I think it was more Bhru than the other two. I got up at 7 and let them out with the plan of bringing them back into our room.

I nipped to the loo as they were outside and Bhru hammers up the stairs and through mums door to make sure she wasn’t missing out on any fun. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣😆

Think we were all awake after that!

I tried to go back to bed but it didn’t really work. I got up soon after and watched the 3 of them bound around in the garden with an energy I certainly didn’t feel myself.

When mum came down we decided to head to Gro-Coffee in Irvine for breakfast.

Mum got Craig a huge strawberry tart and Dad a battenburg slice. We managed to step away from the cake…. We were stuffed!!!

I’d been messaging my blog friend The Windsor Waffle and since we’d both had a Fat Friday we agreed today should be Slim Saturday. I think that could be a thing?!?! It probably doesn’t involve a Gro Coffee brunch mind you!

We went to M&S Food Hall and then into Irvine’s Rivergate Shopping Centre. There’s not a lot to see there but we had a wander and I got my eyebrows threaded.

I said to the girl with a giggle that it had been ages… and before I even finished she was saying “oh yes well I can see that…..”

Aye awright then. 🙄🤔😬

By this time I was feeling really squeamish. The shops were really hot and I was roasting. I always feel like that with a mask on and hate to feel that way when there are people that have to wear one all day for work. I don’t want to complain. We were gonna take a drive out to the beach but we ended up just heading home.

We had a lovely time!!

When mum left I took the dogs out for a walk and I feel better now but think I need a nana nap this afternoon.

This is day two of no meds and I am super proud that I’m finally going it alone. I guess I am nervous and I’m just over-analysing everything…. Worried that I won’t cope.

Setraline numbs everything. It stopped suicidal thoughts in their tracks in early 2020…. But it robs you of excitement too. Everything is just meh……. On my highest dose I could barely put one foot in front of the other to walk the dogs. It was awful… but I needed it to mellow the depression. As I got better and came down the doses I guess I have been aware of my anxiety being way more active but I can honestly say the depression has gone.

Wow. Maybe the first time I’ve actually acknowledged that.

Forgot to show you the wee wooden plaque that mum brought for me!!!

We’ll be having a lazy rest of day I reckon!!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oooooh I had the best sleep… was in my bed at 9pm and slept right through until 5am.

I felt super motivated for the gym this morning although was devastated that it appears to be winter already?!?!

Actually that pic doesn’t look as dark as it felt at the time. It was super gloomy.

And then I got to Fit Body Farm….

But I struggled so badly this morning. It showed me that I’m not great at motivating myself. It was very much a personal training session this morning and I felt like everyone was going round the circuit faster than me.

I listened to the inner voice and it told me how much I was struggling. How slow I was, how tired I was….. I tried to short circuit it and talk myself into motivation. It actually made me laugh… talking to myself on a run!! It didn’t work today though and I guess that’s ok.

So I worked today….. on a Friday?!?! Yes on a Friday! And I survived. I have no idea what day it is though. Everything felt weird today. They have a thing called Fat Friday which I’m more than happy to be a part of…. But after chips, cheese and gravy it’s probably best I don’t work Fridays 🤭😬😆🤣

It was another busy day! We’ve done great this week despite many things sent to try us.

I got home at 4.50pm and had dinner booked in the pub next door at 5pm….. more food.

Mum’s here!!! She’s come to stay for the night and we’ll have a wee morning out tomorrow.

Mum and Craig had Chicken and Leek Pie.

I had Chicken and Prawn Madras. not to be taken lightly after chips, cheese and gravy for lunch!

As is usually the case with the pub food we are now in our comfies on the couch watching Grace and Frankie being cuddled by Freya and Bhru!

We had a fit of the giggles. Happy times.

Have a great weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Who’d a thunk it?!? I’ve kept this going for 500 days. Wow.

For new readers a quick history of The Rambling Sloth. I first went off sick from work in September 2018 with anxiety which quickly sunk into depression.

I’ve had to drive my own healing journey at a time when I was at the lowest point and I found some amazing therapies and therapists along the way.

I was very lucky to always have the faith that things would work out for the best but it took a good 3 years before I would be back to a 4 day working week.

I’ve re-read that and thought I made it sound fairly “romantic”…. It was hell on earth for a very long time. I cried enough tears for a lifetime. I wished for the ground to swallow me up so it could all be over.

However….every day is a step forward in my journey…. There a few steps back occasionally but this is all a part of healing.

This blog allows me to evaluate my feelings every day. Maybe I overanalyse (here I go again!) but journaling is a really healthy way of evaluating who I am, how I react and what causes it.

So here I am…. Back to working almost full time. Still attending Health Kinesiology once a month roughly and still taking anti-depressants.…… For two more days!!!!!!!!!!!!

It sums up my reactions to stopping medication. I’ve taken antidepressants for a very, very long time.

I’ve struggled with day to day life for so long. My eagerness to please everyone came at a price. It made me very, very sad inside but I didn’t think my thoughts mattered and put everyone else’s before mine.

With hindsight university, my career path were all things I thought I “should” do. I never put myself first. I needed the anti-depressants to cope.

I’ve been given the chance to reset and re-focus. And I have…. And the Doc thinks I can got it alone now. And so do I. (If you could all just look out for Craig’s sanity over the next few months it would be much appreciated 🙄😬🤭😁😆)

I’ve stopped talk about covid as I try to avoid the news now but COVID-19 has changed our world since I started this blog…

Really sadly there have been millions of cases of COVID-19 in the UK and thousands of deaths.

We still wear masks. We don’t shake hands. We hug less though I forget that sometimes….

We stayed home for for about 8 months of the last 2 years. We couldn’t go out, we just had to stay in our own homes and not meet up with anyone else. We were driven apart. But we all learned so much from it.

We slowed down. We stopped. We learned how important human connection was. we missed everyone. We slobbed out. We lived in comfies (I’d been doing that for 2 years before anyway….)

We have to take the positives out of this.

I don’t know what my tomorrow’s are going to bring but I know that I will give them my best effort.

I might not always get it right and there might be days I think I can’t cope. But I will. Because I have always done and will always do.

Thanks for following my ramblings. It means the world to me. 🌍🥰

Stay safe everyone 🥰🥰🥰

I still think I must be talking about someone else. I could never have imagined living a life without a glass of wine whenever I wanted it.

I would scoff at non drinkers…. There must be something wrong with them, there must be a thing…. No one just doesn’t drink. Weirdo.

Check me. One of my self proclaimed weirdos!!

It’s taken me a long time to stop yearning for something that I have given up. To stop dreading the weekend as there was nothing to look forward without it.

I have learned to live without it. I can now look forward to social occasions and not feel like the odd one out. I have no desire to drink and quite honestly it all stinks!! (Yeah I know….. 👽)

There’s a huge range of alcohol free drink out there now and that always feels like a treat. I know that to drinkers it’s technically just “juice”…. But it is a treat.

I don’t lose my whole weekend anymore.

I’m living a life where I have to face my fears and issues head on without that ….. aaaahhh a drink will fix it. The drink never fixed anything. It just drowned it all.

No more. 951 days. I think it’s officially a habit.

Fit Body Farm was great this morning but I could barely walk. My muscles are soooo sore!

And boy did it rain later on. Torrential from mid morning all afternoon. I got soaked when I was out with customers showing them round rental vans!

It’s been a frustrating week with lots of things not going our way.

I guess I’ve been a bit stressed out by things though nothing on the grand scheme of things. I’m aware of the word “stress” following me about a bit and I hoped that I had lost that label. It would appear not.

This next one is hard because I feel like I am responsible for what people think of me as I must project that.

I’m tired today so taking the night off crochet. Got into my jammies at 4.30 and I’ve had dinner which was a pasta bolognese, made by Claire! It was lovely!

I’m so lucky that I could message and just tell them I need a bit of rest and they totally understand.

I’ll finish this and then get into bed and read my book. Craig won’t be in until late.

It’s all good there’s just been a lot of noise this week.

Feet up and relax.

Stay safe everyone 🌸🌸🌸