So today is the end of an era in the lounging around of The Rambling Sloth. Tomorrow I start almost full time work, well Monday to Thursday.

The old me laughs at that and thinks you’re only working 4 days a week, wuss! The new me is horrified at the restriction. I’ve had the luxury of time on my side. I’ve been able to manage my anxiety and depression in this time. I’ve done meditations, written this blog, met up with people for coffee and I’ve slept like a professional sleeper!!!

On top of all this I’m still successfully working down the medication…. although Craig is aware of an increase in negativity this week. (Note to self!)

So I need to make some sense of this in my head…. As I do….. I am so worried that I let myself down. Worried that I dissolve into a snivelling wreck at the first sign of stress. Im not worried…. I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the thought.

On the other hand, this is a completely new world and I’m a new me. I know I can do this, I know I can be a huge asset, I know I can make a difference. I just have to be a whole lot more organised than I have been in a long time. I need to manage life like everyone else does.

And then there’s the dogs. We need to make sure they are looked after properly when we’re both out. And then there’s the gym. I’m up and out so early 3 days a week.

Organisation is going to be the key to it all.

There have been tears this morning. I’m tired. Didn’t get up until after 9am…. I mean wow, long lie of champions.

I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed. I’m bigging it up into something it’s not. It’s just a couple of extra hours or work a week. End of.

I’m not sure what it means for the blog. I doubt I’ll have many readers left if all I blog about is, I went to work and came home and I’m tired. 😆😆 So I’ll take it one day at a time. See how it goes.

I’ve said all along that I write this to make sense of my feelings in my own head. Journaling is a a tried and tested way to aid recovery and it’s been a blessing in mine. I’m so lucky I’ve made some lovely blog friends along the way too. So this is not the end, maybe just a reduction in ramblings!

We’re sitting outside this morning again. Rain is forecast and in fact, it should be raining now. Instead it’s hot. The sun is desperately trying to burn through. Long may it continue as Mum and Dad are coming through to see us this afternoon and it would be lovely if we could be outside!

I’ve been out to the van and put some things away. Generally pottered and tidied up a bit. I have my gym stuff ready. My clothes for work looked out. Just need to make breakfast and lunch. It’s only 1pm and I’m more organised than an organised thing!!

So I’m sitting out here enjoys some rays.

I do still need to work at positivity. When I’m overwhelmed I let it go a bit and I need to work at that.

It’s now 7.50pm and we’ve had lovely warm weather all day. Mum and dad came over and we had an afternoon tea from the village pub next door! Was soooo good!

There were only 4 of us and enough food to sink the titanic twice. Lovely to have a nice wee catch up sitting around in the garden. Forgot to take any more pics!

After mum and dad left we popped into the pub and then Claire and I took the dogs out.

So I’ve had a lovely day once my mind stopped whirring and analysing everything. It’s been lovely to actually relax and enjoy some mental downtime.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will approach it positively. Everything is ready to go for the gym and work. Let’s go smash this!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Jeezo it’s 4.30pm and I am exhausted….. been a busy few days but I am done now and I intend not moving for the rest of the weekend!

It is very hot. It’s 24C here today and it’s cloudy. I love the warmth. It’s been threatening rain all afternoon, it’s so close I feel like we need a good thunderstorm to clear the air but it needs to stay dry for the next few hours as I’ve just stained the decking!

We had coffee outside in the sun this morning before Craig went to work. Of course there’s always that pressure to throw a tennis ball for a pupper or two but it’s lovely to have peace and quiet and only the birds tweeting like crazy.

Oh that reminds me, we sat out at 10.30pm last night watching 2 tiny bats flying around above us. Chasing each other. It was fascinating…. Until they got to close and I remembered they were bats 🦇🦇and I got scared 😳 🤣

So back to my day. I took Bhruic and Freya out as Craig was taking Calaidh out for a big walk this afternoon.

So back home, hung up a washing, quick shower then out to B&Q. We have 4 tubs of decking stain in the shed but one seems to be empty, 2 have broken lids therefore could be contaminated and the last one isn’t the one we usually use. Dammit. Last thing I wanted to do on a day off but hey. I’m in and out B&Q by 11.15am. The decking oil I bought was £55 a can!!!!! £55?!?!? It’s Ronseal Ultimate so it’s good stuff but that was £110 just on decking stain. Adulting is very unfair at times.

I then figured that if I’m going to be “almost full time” next week at work then I need breakfast and lunches. So popped in to Asda on the way home. Asda on a Saturday just before lunchtime is pretty busy…. But hey it’s done now. All put away when I got back and I did my wee list again so I know what’s in the fridge and when it needs eaten by. Hopefully means we’ll chuck less out.

Back home and had a Krispy Kreme doughnut for lunch. Healthy huh and started staining the decking.

I don’t want to do it but it needs doing and it’s due to rain so it needs done while it’s dry.

(I need to say here that is now 4.52pm and its actually RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!! Only teeny spots and it better not come to anything as the forecast is for pure blue skies and wall to wall sunshine. If I sit out here writing this I will ignore the spots of rain…!)

Just noticed my mop is attractively drying on the wood store too…. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😆

So I am knackered. I’ve sat down and it’s getting cooler and I’m still ignoring the wee spots of rain. I’m in denial……

I’ve done 4 loads of washing today and I can no longer deny this rain……now I’ve just taken them all in, some dry, some not…. The spots have rain have stopped. You gotta love the Scottish weather honestly it has no idea what it wants to do from one minute to the next!

Going to have a lazy evening and I’m still sitting outside. Enjoying nature!

Stay safe everyone 🌸🌺🌼

We had a 3 hour lie in this morning. I didn’t go to the gym. I don’t think we’ve ever needed this much sleep. We were in bed the back of 9pm and so that was almost 11 hours. I could have stayed in bed all day.

My knee feels a bit better this morning but I have physio booked for 11.30am. I feel the pain has moved down to my ankle and up to my shoulder, probably overcompensating!

So Lea messaged after 9 to ask if we were still meeting up today….

It’s just as well she’s such a great friend and knows me well as I’ve forgotten again. Honestly. How hard is it?!? I will never use a diary but I remember appointments… I just think I will remember meeting up and keep double booking or completely forgetting….. it does not mean I love her any less 🥰

So I’m free apart from physio so I apologise profusely and agree she’ll come to me this afternoon after physio.

Physio…… you realise that “oh my word” is the very polite version….. I have never experienced pain like that. Wow. She was very good but she had mean elbows on her.

Wow….. almost an hour of excruciating pain!!! Deep tissue manipulation of my knee and inner thigh and elbows in the butt cheek. I’m sore now but the muscles have definitely loosened off. She then used laser treatment to heat the deep tissue to reduce inflammation. That was a nice bit.

I had to go to Asda to pick up some snacks and I walked around with a very achey leg!

Lea and Jacob came down early afternoon. Jacob is so cool… he spends about one minute being petrified of the dogs.

I’ve had a delivery of my favourite coffee! Beanies! There are 7 separate flavours…. I love it!

I’ve opened Jam Doughnut, Cookies and Cream and Sticky Toffee Pudding so far. My favs are Caramel Popcorn and Coconut Delight. Love them and not had a stash for ages! ☕️

Had a great afternoon, so good to catch up. So glad Lea remembers. 😆🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

So we’re now in the village pub. I have my leg up (stop it!!)

Hope you all have the best weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

All I wrote of yesterday’s blog was “Day 465” nothing else….. For the first time in 465 days there was no Rambling Sloth… And the world didn’t end. 🤦🏻‍♀️😉😆 I cancelled the gym yesterday too. Slacker huh?!?

The alarm went off at 4.45am and I just wanted to cry. I’d slept pretty well and been in bed since 7.30pm but my knee was aching through the night. A real toothache pain. It woke me up twice.

For half an hour I lay there thinking “just get up”….. “I’m tired”…. “You’ll feel better once you move”…. “Don’t want to move”….. “you need to go”…. “But my knee hurts”….. “you’ll few more alert once you’ve been”…. “I need to listen to my body”…. “Get it over with”…… “I can’t…” and it went on and on.

I swear I got up and dressed and walked around with a huge petted lip, tears threatening. “I’m sooooo tired”…… finally getting back into bed about 5 minutes before I was due to leave.

So yeah I’m really tired this week but hey so are other people. That happens.

Getting up at 4.45am for the gym is a bit ridiculous but I’m not going to do it any other time so best to get it out the way early.

The day before, work had asked me if I wanted to go full time.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. there’s the reason.

Someone gave me something to think about to wheich me right back out my comfort zone.

Now on one hand how amazing to be handed a full time job??? I’m so lucky that it’s all working out.

On the other hand…. What about my afternoons off….. naps… trips away on long weekend… dog walks…. naps….. my mind was in overdrive and kept coming back to naps!

It’s no wonder I feel exhausted all the time with the sheer amount of rubbish that I talk to myself!!!

So of course I don’t go back to sleep at 5.30am. I lie there pondering the question to life. So bloody dramatic eh?!

When the time comes to discuss all of this at work I have a word vomit and confuse the hell out of everyone in the room. I get to the point in the end…. Kind of. Then I spend the afternoon ruminating on the drivel I just waffled.

Why on earth would anyone want to hire me? They must be regretting it? Blah blah and blah…..

In the afternoon I have planned to take my wee 80 year old friend to Saltcoats for some shopping she wanted to do.

I drove straight from work to pick her up and she gave me chopped pork sandwiches for lunch along with a coffee and a cake! Could she remind me any more of my Gran?!? We had a wander round the Saltcoats centre. She’s been shopping there for years and was reminiscing about shops that used to be there and are now long gone. She told everyone she met that she hadn’t been to Saltcoats for 2 years.

We went to The Kandy Bar for a wee cuppa and she’s been going there for over 35 years she said. 😲

It was a huge trip down memory lane for her and I was glad I was able to take her.

It was scorching hot and my mind was a bit preoccupied…. It was 5.45pm before I got home!!

I then had a quick catch up with Claire in her garden, then Craig and then Mum on the phone and it was time to go to crochet at 7pm. By which time I was running on empty… oh and coffee and cake.

I’m so glad I went to crochet. It was lovely to listen to their stories of the week and to finally quieten my crazy head by talking things over with them. They’re a lovely supportive bunch…. And I got hugs…. 💕💕

This is a huge thing for me. Committing to a full time job after years of not being well enough to work. It’s not my works’ problem. They only asked!!!

That said, I am ready, I know I am, I just like to overthink that I might not be good enough, will let everyone down…. That old adage. I was exhausted after all that and just couldn’t put pen to paper. Strange saying when the blog is typed eh?!?

So I’m starting on 30 hours just to build up to that last day. 4 full days a week Monday- Thursday.

Today I’ve made peace with my decision. It feels right after yesterday’s drama. My head is quiet and it’s my weekend so I am going to rest, relax and enjoy.

And most of all try to give myself a goddam break from thinking. Ever again! 😬🙄🥴

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oooh I feel I have not much to wax lyrical about today. I have rambled so much I just need some silence….. we all know that never stops me. 😉🤣

I feel bit meh today. A bit fed up. Tired (as usual). Bit grumpy.

I had a great sleep. We had a lovely salmon dinner last night and watched a movie and was in bed by 9am.

I mean for me that is pretty damn good eh?!?

I slept pretty well. Up twice to the loo but the it’s because I’m trying to drink more water to see if that fills me up to stop me eating. Cause and effect eh?! I also had to take ibuprofen for my knee at midnight. It hurts under the weight of the blanket.

Today was long lie day but 6.30am didn’t feel like the amazing lie in that it usually does. I tried to change my thinking first thing. It’s a new day and every day is for living…. I bounded out of bed. At some point I laughed at myself thinking nice try.

Work was good….busy as usual. I had big plans and they didn’t go to plan and other things took over…. but that’s ok. I was a bit all over the place at one point but I hadn’t eaten and I’d had 3 coffees! Sure I made that note to self yesterday?!?

Didn’t get home until 2.30 and I had a list of calls that needed making and I did them before I walked the dogs. I made the list Sunday…. If it’s not on a list it’s not getting done. 🤣

So yeah do you ever have those days where you feel tired of constantly feeling tired. I have loads that I should be doing but none of which I can actually be bothered doing. Why do today what can wait till tomorrow?!? I’m sure that’s the right way around?!?

I’m sitting outside writing the blog and the sun is still trying to burn through the clouds. I honestly just want to get into bed. It’s 6.09pm.

Ive read this back and I’ve deleted 3 paragraphs of moaning…. 🤣 honestly we need to allow ourselves to be tired and to rest.

Sorry for the mump. Hope normal service will resume tomorrow. Hope I haven’t gorged myself on chips, pizza, chocolate and crisps before then as the thought is very tempting….

Stay safe everyone 😴😴😴

Ooooh I did not sleep well last night….. I was asleep but I felt awake. One of those ones. I didn’t feel rested at all.

When the alarm went off at 5am I was not impressed, despite having been in bed since 8.30pm last night…. And it was POURING!!!!

The rain got heavier and heavier as we drove to the Fit Body Farm. I actually made me laugh as it was as if the skies were determined to push more out just to prove they could!! 😆 we were going to be soaked to the skin again.

Thankfully the workout was indoors this morning. We had 4 workouts….. appetiser, starter, dinner and dessert!! Craig said at the very start that he thought we should skip dessert. 12 burpee broad jumps followed by 120 high knees….. 9 burpee broad jumps and 90 high knees and then 6 burpee broad jumps with 60 high knees….. that was just dessert!!!!!

Would you believe we all rushed outside at the end like crazy people so we could cool down and stretch in the fresh rain. Nothing better!!

Work was super busy today. We had 3 vans drop off for some conversion work so had time spent chatting with customers…. Just like the old days. Ended up staying on a wee bit to catch up with some orders that needed placing.

I felt a bit manic at one point today but to be fair, that could have been the 3 coffees I sunk in quick succession….. must reduce caffeine. 🤦🏻‍♀️😉🤣

The rain had stopped sometime during the morning and so it was dry for the puppers walk this afternoon. My knee has been playing up again, coinciding with my eating more processed foods maybe, so it’s actually gowping a bit. I should really get some ice on it. My shoulder’s playing up too. Old age doesn’t come easy does it?!?

And then I had a nap. Well I had a chat with mum first, then read some of my book and feel asleep. Despite the barking dogs best intentions I did actually sleep. I feel a bit drugged after it but I needed it.

So it’s Craig’s only night home this week and I’m cooking a side of salmon with roasted broccoli and baked potatoes. Still loving my list of foods in the fridge….. it really helps me see what’s there to be cooked.

So a wee evening in front of the tv for us I think. No doubt we’ll be in bed by 9pm as that’s how we roll in these Fit Body Farm days. I only signed up for a year. Next year we can stay up till 10pm. 🤣🤣🤣

Stay safe everyone 😴🛌😴

It’s been a crazy weather day today. It’s so hot we’ve been sitting outside and then the heavens open and we head in for a bit of housework and then back outside when it stops.

We needed the rain. It was so torrential though that the road outside turned into a river in less than a few minutes!

During showers I’ve put washing on, hung it up, swept floors, cleaned the bathrooms, hoovered, packed for the gym to tomorrow… remembering spare shoes to change into as the forecast is not good for tomorrow morning!

Everything looks so fresh after the rain. It’s lovely to come back out and sit and watch the steam rising as the heat of the sun dries it all up.

So a very exciting thing happened today. It’s nothing on the grand scheme of things but I was over the moon….. the flip flops I took to Loch Ness back in May had not been seen since. I looked everywhere for them…. I knew I hadn’t left them. I’ve emptied the camper van, the house. You name it, constantly on the look for these damn flip flops.

I picked up Craig’s rucksack today…… thought “please let them be in this front pocket….” As i unzipped it.

Honestly I was like a kid in a sweetie shop. So so so so chuffed I found them again. I’d even looked into buying them again in the hope that made them re-appear….. maybe it did….. Simple things. 🥳🥳🥳

It’s been a lovely lazy day fully dictated by the weather…. As we do in Scotland.

I made spicy meatballs for an early dinner and now have my feet up in the sun while Craig cleans up. 😉

A few pics of some flowers in the garden.

Me and my flip flops might manage a wee nap in the hot evening sun but that’s about all….

Stay safe everyone 🌞🌞🌞

I say a relax….. We didn’t get home until 11.30pm last night and I was up at 6.45am for the Fit Body Farm. On a Saturday… 😆

I didn’t want to go, was a bit nervous that I wouldn’t know any of the Saturday crew, was feeling the weight of all the pizza and crisps etc of the last few days.

But I did it…… I knew at least 4 people and got paired up with a fellow Julie and it’s turns out she’s the Captain of Team Courage which we are a part of.

She taught me technique and cheered me on when she could see I was flagging. Having that personal cheer leader helps me big time. We were also recording our scores on a leader board so I didn’t want to let her down. On a 4th lap running round the garden I started to say “don’t let Jools down” in a rhythm to keep my feet moving. Mid run I actually smiled and laughed to myself. “Don’t let Jules down”…. Do it for me… not for anyone else. ♥️

So I’ve been listening to a really good podcast again…. This time it’s Dr Rongan Chatterjee – Feel Better, Live More and the latest one is all about relationships. It talks about how we should be more honest with how people make us feel without assuming we know how they feel and why they are doing it.

About 1hr in they start discussing about how we wear masks with different people. (I’m sure I have a million of them stored away somewhere!!)

“It’s very important for humans to have solitude and when we can’t be with ourselves to really understand ourselves then we have a fragile sense of who we are. We carry that insecurity into our relationships with other people to allow them to prop up our sense of ourselves”.

WOW.

“As soon as that network is not supporting that view you have of yourself you start to get really emotional and upset and it can start to cause friction….”

WOW.

Backtrack a few years and this is exactly what happened to me.

I made NO time for myself at all. None. I worked all the hours god sent and also kept a million people happy when it was actually hurting me. I spent hours being nice to people that treated me dreadfully… bullied me even. I worked my socks off to get a smile from the bully and that would actually make my day. To have that person on side was the last piece of the puzzle…. Or so I thought.

Actually every bit of effort put into everyone else was chipping away at me.

I was the golden girl at work for a while and could do no wrong. Promotions handed on a plate, wage rises, a seat at the management table, a real voice in that business world. As I worked so hard at keeping everyone happy, the cracks started to show and as Rongan Chatterjee says… I got “really emotional and upset”. All of the time. And it lasted for almost years. I spent whole years of my life crying at everything.

I want everyone reading this to think about taking time for some solitude. Reflect on how you feel and why you are feeling, think about your worth and your importance in life. You can’t give when you have nothing for yourself.

We reward people for saying they are “too busy”…. We wear it like a badge of honour. It’s not something to be celebrating…. We should celebrate the time we take to stop and just be and to appreciate every minute of every day. We get one shot at this so let’s not waste it on making ourselves miserable.

What do you want…. For you?

Know YOUR worth…. It’s taken me a long time to find mine and it ain’t letting it go now.

So….. that was a bit deep for a relaxing Saturday….. I’ve had the nicest few days. Caught up with family that we’ve not seen in so long. Almost feels like this COVID thing never happened and yet it’s still there lurking.

Cases are sky rocketing but we’re not seeing the same spike in hospital admissions this time thanks to the vaccination.

So back to my day. I did a food shop on the way home from the gym in my sweatiness with a beetroot face.

I cleaned the fridge and stocked it back up and wrote a list of all the food and dates so I don’t miss things that need eaten. We cross off the list when somethings used. Check me. I’m pretty proud of that neat little idea.

Then took the puppers up into the fields although it was VERY hot and almost too hot for them. They are zonked right now so it did the trick! It’s so close today!

Back home for lunch in the hot garden!

I had a cool shower and washed my hair and then I had the best nap…… awww it was such a good nap. On the bed and out for the count for 2 hours. Bliss!

So yeah I had not planned such introspection today but I love learning more about who I was and who I am now. I know I was always me but it’s nice to be me for me and not for anyone’s idea of who me should be.

Except Craig’s obviously….. I mean that goes without saying… right?!? 😉😘

Here endeth…… 🥰☺️😉

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Had a lovely time away with this nutter!!

Forgot to take her birthday cake and her present hadn’t arrived yet but we still had a lovely we overnight stay. We might have to eat the cake in her honour!

Woke up at 7.20am…. A lovely long lie. So both vans woke up and Auntie Jac made coffee and we had overnight oats for breakfast. she was very well prepared!!

We spent a wee while tidying away beds and I swept and cleaned. Love a good tidy of the van!

We got another coffee and a wee biscuit… be rude not to. The sun came out the minute I jumped in the van to head of but it was still warm.

Wed arranged to meet Mum and Dad at an outdoor shop near Hillend Ski slope outside Edinburgh. Check the food. It was amazing!!

Not often we all get to meet up. Auntie Jac is Dad’s wee sister. We had a lovely quick catch up.

So big drive home and the traffic was pretty heavy. For the first time I feel a bit anxious in that kind of traffic. I used to drive across Glasgow every day but it’s funny how you lose the knack of it.

So got home at 2.30 and straight for a nap until 4…. Shattered and due out for the next batch of birthday celebrations.

It’s my lovely mother in law, Helen’s birthday on Monday.

I have actual makeup on!

Helen and Doug have built the loveliest summer house in the garden so we are all congregated out there as the heavens opened. It’s still warm.

It’s been so lovely to see so many people today. Finally able to see family and catch up for that lost year. Lovely to have some great hugs too!!

Still love that I can enjoy a night and drive home. Got the Fit Body Farm at 7.30am….. it’s now 9.30pm.

Sure there’ll be loads more photos tonight but I’m going to stop being rude and typing this.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So yeah a wee last minute camping trip tonight with Auntie Jac. It’s her birthday on a Sunday and we’ve been meaning to get a trip for ages.

We’re booked into Drummohr campsite near Musselburgh, just outside Edinburgh. It’s a beautiful site. Pristine. It’s in a walled garden and the flowers are all wild…. This is the look I was going for with my meadow garden at home…. Epic fail for me…..It looks nothing like this!

I was wide awake at 5.23am.…. I got up, had my shower, washed my hair, dried my hair, emptied the house fridge, filled the van fridge and was good to go. Was in work for 7am…. Reminded me of the bad old days for a minute. But no….. I’m in my shorts and Tartan T-shirt and Tartan converse. Life is very different!

Left work after 12 and set off to meet Jac at Hillend outside Edinburgh and we were set up on the campsite by about 3pm. We went a wee wander to the local beach….

Paradise… it is not…. It’s quite an industrial coastline here…. but the sky is blue and there’s sea so really we can’t complain.

Here we are sitting on the most seat-like stone we could find! We had to “swivel”…. To get this photie with the sea in the background!

We both grew up in Penicuik, south of Edinburgh and both think it’s really weird to be staying just outside Edinburgh without being there.

Dinner was a team effort…. Chicken fajitas and they were amazing. It’s so super hot. It has been all afternoon.

And in true Scottish fashion the sun disappears in a flash and it clouded over…. It’s still warm though the jumpers are on. Course we’re still outside. Love, love, love the outdoor life!

Missing the boy and pups back home. ♥️🐶🐶🐶 but relishing a night without 5 of us in that small space. It’s the first time sleeping on my own in the van. Hope nothing goes bump on the night or I’ll be in with Auntie Jac!!

Stay safe everyone 🌞☁️🌞