Wide awake at 3.30am this morning thinking about everything I needed to do on my last day. Jeez I’m only off for two whole days which was probably why it was so easy. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Had a relatively calm day and got through everything I needed to.

The sun shone today and we sat out at lunchtime. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the sun! The temperatures are picking up here but Iceland will be a few degrees cooler. Obviously. 🥶

In less than 12 hours we’ll be flying from Edinburgh to Keflavik Airport in Iceland.

It doesn’t look very far does it?!

So super early start for us! Trying not to wake the neighbours. 😆

It’s been so long since we flew anywhere and my new found indecisiveness is convinced I’m taking all the wrong clothes 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 I packed a last minute pair of shorts and flip flops in case the sun shines in some freak weather event!!! Gotta have that optimism.

I dropped Abbie the Campervan off to the garage for her holidays…. MOT and full service along with a knock at the O/S front 🤦🏻‍♀️😬🤷🏻‍♀️😂

So despite all the excitement, I do feel a bit flat tonight as I had the call with the Doctor today finally.

The call comes through in the middle of your working day and I felt very much like I’d been thrown into a discussion that I hadn’t had time to think about.

In the past, you would sit in the surgery and rehearse your “lines”. The call is great and it saves you going to the surgery but the two hour window makes it difficult to stay prepared.

I told her how I’d been feeling and how the anxiety was taking over again. I explained the fear that seemed so overwhelming at times. And of course in true me fashion I ended up crying on the phone…

The purpose of the call, for me, was to ask for Testosterone which is the next step in the HRT cycle.

Did that word even register in my thought process once during the call?!?! Nope. Zero. Nada.

She has re-prescribed antidepressants.

I have to say I am completely torn between being devastated and slightly relieved as there may be some light at the end of the tunnel of fear that’s been building up.

I can’t tell you how hard this is for me I write.

It feels so awkward and vulnerable.

I’m cringing at the very thought of posting this yet I always said I’d be honest. If I can help one other person see how difficult life can feel for someone who looks like they should have it all together, then it’s worth it. (how do I think that is actually one sentence?!)

It feels like s step back to me. Like I’m admitting defeat. Like I’ve given in.

Yet I am so tired fighting these feelings AND I wouldn’t say any of that to a friend who was considering taking them.

When I should be super excited about a holiday I’m worried that I ruin it by being a jerk when we’re away. There’s a very fine line between happy and excited me and jerk me. (Forgive the shocking English… 🤦🏻‍♀️😂)

So… to take or not to take. That is the question.

I haven’t yet.

I am sure I probably will but I could do without that life changing decision tonight. I have a holiday to sleep for!!

Calaidh is not letting us leave without her.

So, I’m not sure what will happen with the blog for the next few days. I may or may not be able to post but rest assured there will be a million photos being taken while I try my best not to be a jerk!

Here’s Bhruic and Freya guarding the bags now 😂

I’m off to post this before I chicken out but I must admit I do feel better for typing it.

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇮🇸