May 2, 2023 – The Rambling Sloth 🦥

I had THE best sleep. Wow. Out for the count and awake just before 6am.

I always find after some anxiety, that the sleep is really good as I’m so exhausted having to do all that overthinking, 😆 it makes sense really.

I had a great morning, made lunch to take to work, was soooo focussed that I got loads of work done early on. Cleared my feet and got on with the day.

I’ve noticed in the last wee while I am not taking any criticism well and I’m being aggressively defensive, internally, towards it. It’s probably not even criticism, it’s just what I’m hearing in my head. Like lighting the blue touch paper but it all stays inside and doesn’t come out.

A couple of things happened this afternoon that filled the old waterworks.

We’ve had a lot of supplier errors that could, in part, be my fault but actually just seems to be a run of bloody bad luck…. but I’ve built up a fear of letting everyone down by not having the right parts. So what happens?!? My dream comes true. Twice today. Thank you.

And once again, I am “that” person who cried at work. I have tears burning in my eyes even typing that. So disappointed in myself. Sniffles, snot, the lot.

I seem to be able to manifest the bad stuff in a heartbeat, yet the good stuff really makes me work hard for it.

So I’m feeling pretty low right now but the good news is, I have kinesiology in less than an hour so hopefully makes some sense of the evil twin inside my head, fighting me with all her worth.

I am so tired of having to deal with her all the time but I’ve worked way too hard to give in anymore. (even as I read that back I know she’s not there all the time…. Prone to exaggeration in this mode!)

I tried to call the doctor this morning to discuss the anxiety. I called at 8.31 without even having to watch the clock for the 10 minutes beforehand. I was impressed. I got straight though which is unheard of at the best of times. Unfortunately no appointments today and to call back Thursday. While it’s disappointing that the appointments had all gone within one minute of the lines opening….. 😳 the receptionist was lovely and it couldn’t be helped.

I think this whole thing would be so much more bearable if I didn’t cry. It feels like such a weakness.

So… I’m kind of out of words just now. There are more tears to come. I wonder now whether I’m crying at the things that went wrong or at my crying about the things that went wrong. That conjured a tearful smile.

It’s hard work this self reflection.

I do not like to be out of control.

I have so many processes, procedures and plans in place to make sure things go the way I need them to go. Suppliers making mistakes was not on my radar….. it has to be now and I don’t want to have to deal with that too… but I have to, if this is the state I get into but not following up every order and despatch note. 🤦🏻‍♀️