Day 881 last day of holidays with a lovely afternoon tea!

Not kidding…. As I typed afternoon tea there, predictive text just changed it to tears!! What does that say about my life?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Anyway…. Whilst hoping there are no afternoon tears, this has very much been a day of two halves for me.

I didn’t sleep that well, was up to the loo at least 3 times which is quite unusual for me and I went to bed and woke, with a thumping headache.

It was so dark last night we had candles burning… maybe it was just that.

We dozed on and off until just after 9 when I finally got up and had a shower to see if that would shake the headache. Trying not to pop pills for nothing these days.

This is my last day of holiday and safe to say it went nothing like the romantic image I had of 10 days off work….

I’ve spent a large part of the week being in a state of…… you know I have no idea how to describe it so let’s just leave it as I’ve spent much of the time off in a state.

Even after my shower I still felt awful.

I tried to write it all down. Just be very grateful that I wrote it down on paper and not here, for you all to read as it’s some jumbled up nonsense.

I think the jist of it is that I struggle to know how best to fill my days when I genuinely have nothing to do.

Now I realise that most people would kill for a day with nothing to do. This has been a week with a whole lot of nothing to do and I’m BORED.

All around me I see things that I “should” be doing but do not want to do. My inner child has a tantrum when I even think about doing some of that stuff.

Yet I have absolutely NO idea about what I’d rather be doing and a holiday abroad in the sun is not an option as I’ve said before. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤨😆

As I write I see a book lying on my desk. It was given to me by my lovely friend June, AGES ago and I’ve never read it. Always meant to but never actually got into it.

Yet today it’s screaming for me to pick it up.

I have the Jonathan Livingston Seagull too and thought I should read that first but my gut says no…… the first few pages talk about someone how works in automobiles. ✅

It goes on to say that there was a village of creatures that live in the river bed and are all clinging on watching the river flow by.

Wow. As dramatic as it sounds I have been so overwhelmed by boredom. If I stop thinking that there’s something wrong with me then maybe I will start to live my life again?

My headache is gone.

I deliberately make no plans for the weekend as plans can be overwhelming. I deliberately wait until the last minute to do anything so that I can see how I feel first. I obsessively need to know that the weekend is mine to do as I choose. Maybe now I am ready to start living again and stop hiding?

I’m almost finished the book already but I firmly believe I was meant to read it when I felt ready to hear what it told me.

I was out putting things away in the van and thought to myself I must take something for lunch tomorrow that I can heat up in the van.

An hour later the doorbell went and it was Holly from the pub next door with some soup to be eaten up. ✅ that will do me nicely and is far tastier than anything else I would have taken with me from our cupboards.

I’d been saying to Craig about us going out for coffee and cake as we never do that together so Craig booked a wee afternoon tea at the Bowfield Hotel near us. ✅

It has been pouring with rain all morning so I’d been putting summer clothes away that I hadn’t worn this year. I had literally just touched a skirt and top and thought (sadly) how I’d never got the chance to wear them this summer. Out comes the sun and it’s scorching and I wear the clothes I just thought about wearing. I’d have been soaked and freezing wearing them this morning! ✅

We had a really lovely wee afternoon tea. We don’t go out much these days, we both made an effort and there was perfume and aftershave involved! Just like old times. ✅

The food was lovely and we cleared the plates and it was lovely to spend time out together and not just in the pub next door. A wee date Sunday!

So lots of food for thought today. It’s no wonder I’m constantly knackered with all this intense thinking but my head screams at me when something isn’t right and I need to figure out what it’s telling me.

So it’s Sunday night again. Back to 5am alarm, Fit Body Farm and work. Back to weight loss meditations and healthy eating plans as I’ve got about 10 weeks until I turn the big 50. 🤨

Here’s to a great week ahead for you all.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️