Another great sleep though dreamt Claire and I were in a steep mountainside village where cars kept sliding all the way back down the hill on the ice covered roads and hitting other cars. Eh hullo?!? Where did that come from.
So last night I stayed up late to watch the Meghan and Prince Harry interview with Oprah Winfrey. Now regardless of that you think of it….. we all need to think before we speak.
Meghan does not follow social media and god love her as I think she’s right to do that. For some reason she can’t do right for people thinking she’s doing wrong. So I choose to take the interview last night at face value. She did not want to live anymore. She felt so bad she thought the world would be better off without her.
I took the following photos as I wanted a reminder of how I felt inside vs how the photo looked back in summer 2019.
I sat here for over an hour until Craig came to check up on me. We were away for the weekend with the loveliest group of people from Overland Bound and made some very good friends that weekend.
I was barely holding it together and as I sat next to the fast flowing river, I wondered if it would do the job. Would it take me away from the pain. Would it hurt? Would it look like an accident so everyone would be able to make sense of it? Surely everyone would be better off without me. I felt like such a burden. I was so depressed yet so anxious. Despite having such wonderful support I kept thinking I had nowhere to turn. I couldn’t be that burden any longer. Yet I was scared…. too scared. Thank god.
Yet look at that smile and see what you see. A lovely picture of us.
I cannot tell you how very hard that time was. Those very dark thoughts came and went until December 2019 when a doctor finally changed my meds. ♥️
This is the reason I write this blog and will keep shouting about mental health. On the outside I had it all but on the inside I was broken.
So…. taking a deep breath and moving on to much better times. In my head that is. The Covid times suck. I miss my mum and dad, family and friends. However, I would love, love, love to be back in the Galloway Forest with Overland Bound. That would be the icing on the cake right now.
Back to this morning…..up, shower, hair wash and coffee AND a spreadsheet…. all beige Kinesiology at 10am.
I’m making a spreadsheet of all the clients Craig needs to see and where they are in their “journey” with Pawsitive Solutions…. which is an awfy fancy way of saying how many people need 1 visits, 2 visits, 3 visits etc…. trying to get an idea of the amount of work he needs to do for people who have already paid. As you know I love a good spreadsheet….. 🧐
So online Kinesiology with Shelagh Cumming at 10am was amazing…. as usual.
I felt very calm and relaxed at the start….. huge change from the whirling Tasmanian devil that usually approaches a session….. AND I WAS PERFECTLY IN BALANCE BEFORE WE EVEN STARTED. Check me!!!!!
Shelagh reads the blog so started by saying she is aware that I seem to have shifted recently and I fully agree. I am so grateful for everything right now. Craig and I are laughing at things we used to argue about. I am calmer, more in control and way more understanding of my emotions.
We start with thinking of a focus to work on, something that is giving me stress. I can’t really think of anything right now other than my reaction to my current weight situation…. I have always felt fat. In ANY photo taken of me over the years I can tell you how fat I felt at the time. Unless I’d been on a strict diet prior to any event. I was only happy when I was in control of my weight.
Today we worked on my acceptance of the current situation….I have felt so bad about my body image for a long, long time….. but I am not fat, it’s ok to eat what I eat right now as long as I’m eating and it is what it is. If I don’t do steps every day that’s ok. I need to tolerate my perceived laziness with lack of planning and that “should always do better”. When I take the stress out of it a lot of that will come naturally.
Homework is to write a meal plan for this week. Using food we have but instead of that last minute scramble in the kitchen and feeling bad about what I choose. Decide in advance and just eat what’s there.
I really enjoyed the session today but came off the zoom feeling really tired. Again… as usual.
We drove up to some car showrooms after Kinesiology so Craig can get a look at what he might fancy next. They are not open but that didn’t stop us having a wander around. It only took about half and hour and yet we both hoped it would be a wee day out! 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣
Back home via Morrisons and I had a lovely lunch. Mushroom Stoganoff. I knew there was a nap brewing….
Settled down at 2pm and woke to the doorbell at 3.30pm. I would have slept longer but the guy was here to install the Hive heating thermostat. Soon we will be back to a normal life temperature, no longer living in Club Tropicana!!! He also fixed two light fittings that had broken… the dogs room now has light…….. he made it look so easy I wonder why we’ve lived without that light for so long. 😆😆😆
Thank you for following my ramblings. It means so much to me. I’m truly grateful for all the support throughout my journey and here’s to the next phase where I don’t use the word FAT in every second sentence. 😆
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️