Who’d a thunk it, as my Gran would say?!?!
On the 2nd January 2019 when I decided to try Dry January I had no idea and actually would have scoffed, at the idea of giving up for good. Not me, never in a million years.
I was sooooo sick of it. That period after Christmas and New Year when you’ve eaten so much and drank so many different tipples that you stand at the bar (we live next door to a pub…) and can’t even decide what to drink. You WILL drink alcohol as not to drink it is just…. well…. a bit weird…. but the thought of it gives you the boak.
Desperately searching for something a bit different to still give you the kick but not taste the same as all the stuff you drank over the last few weeks.
I didn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. You would never have known… I don’t think I drank any more or any less than anyone else. Not remembering the night before is something to be praised, high fived, check you, you were fun. What they didn’t know was that I was actually blacking out. If I drank too fast, keeping up with rounds or on an empty stomach I seemed to absorb it faster than anyone else. Again you wouldn’t have known…. but I had ZERO recollection of so many nights. Not even a hint. I could hear the story of the night and not remember ANY of it after a certain point.
I think my life revolved around it. I got in the car after leaving work and couldn’t wait for that glass in my hand. I wanted to make sure I had my fair share of a bottle and didn’t want to lose out…. heaven forbid someone would get more out of a bottle than I would.
I turned nasty the minute I got in the door and would call Craig everything under the sun. I’d wake up the morning with the shame and fear wash over…. what had I said, what had I done, where had I fallen asleep?! Dogs room floor ✅ hall way on the cold stone floor ✅ pub ✅ to name but a few.
I was actually hiding how desperately unhappy I had become. I was a square peg fitting into that round hole. I was forever to be a person I didn’t want to be at work, I lived to work, weekends were for drinking to drown out how much I hated it then back into that weekly cycle. Holidays were about that first drink… ahhhhh that’s better. Now you can relax.
Through Dry Jan 2019 I connected with a few people and shared stories and seemed we were on the same path. One guy, Darren Mitchell had decided to set up a FB group called After Dry January as he didn’t know what to do after January…… it went from there. After a short time he asked me to be admin of the group along with him and these guys have become the structure of my sober life. They were there every step of the way. Even through my mental health journey, long before I started the blog, they were there with support.
Craig has been amazing too. Like me, he expected me to take a short break and life would “get back to normal”. It just didn’t happen. We have settled into an easy way of life. I moan if I have to buy it for him but it doesn’t bother me.
I have had to face this anxiety and depression without that crutch. there is no hiding from it, not getting away from the pain. It’s right there in your face. Guess you see why I put on 4 stone now?!? 🍫🍫🍫
I did drink twice in the last 802 days. Once the day the pubs shut for lockdown 1.0 and again when the pubs opened at the end of it. I drank what had been my favourite Rosè wine in the pub. I hated the taste, hated the way it made me feel and yet knew I would keep going. Both times about 4 glasses. I wanted to “fit in”, wanted to be “normal”.
Those 2 instances showed me that nothing had changed and it’s just not for me. I can’t moderate. I chose to control my life rather than give the control to the drink.
It’s been hard, I’ve been questioned about it so many times, people scoff, people laugh but most folk now accept it.
Alcohol free options are also getting better and better.
So now that I’ve lost half my readers…… 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣 I just wanted to say that it’s such a huge part of my journey that I can’t not mention it. It’s an awkward subject, a bit taboo…. must have been issues…. it didn’t suit me, I wish it did but it didn’t so here I am counting teacups on Try Dry!!!
Oh wow… so….another weekend. Nothing to do except stay at home.
I had a puppy zoom call with a client this morning that went really well. Was finished for 12. Craig was down clearing the shed so I went to have a look at that and have been in front of the computer ever since. Oh must show you last nights Gateside Inn Cajun chicken burger….
We have to cook our own dinner tonight. Boo…. Not sure what I’ll do with the rest of today. I’m thinking movie….. crochet or read?!?! Or nap……. yeah yeah yeah… Decisions of lockdown.
Head wise I’m not the best today. a little lack of confidence. A little antsy. A little tired. But that’s ok.
Stay safe everyone ☕️☕️☕️