I didnāt write a blog yesterday. I was not in the right frame of mind at all.
When I feel like this itās catastrophic. At least thatās how I perceive it to be.
Thereās a toddler inside my head throwing the biggest tantrum because things are not as perfect as I want them to be.
It feels like everything is the end of the world. Rather than letting the small things go my head blows them up into huge, monsterous, catastrophic events as if the end of days is nigh.
My lip curled upwards very slightly at that analogy so I know Iāve explained it correctly. But I will not allow a smile. I am far too grumpy to crack a smile. Unless itās s fake one. Hereās todays face vs my genuinely beaming face from the other day.

I feel truly miserable. The tears keep burning in my eyes. The worst I have felt in a while. Like a tornado of noise and anger and frustration and negativity raging through my mind. I canāt shake it. It weighs me down.
Iām on holiday for gods sakeā¦. I watch every flight that flies over me and there are a lot and wonder how they can afford to be on a plane. Where are they off to? Why canāt I be up there?
We knew that when I left my old job that we would be ok and get by. I donāt seem to be handling this āgetting byā very well. I canāt make peace with it. Why is that? I have way more than most.
Why all of a sudden, when itās bad, do I focus on loss and waste, mess and all the maintenance required. Iām so overwhelmed that Iām sinking into a pit of despair. I hate it here but just not enough to climb out by myself.
I took the dogs up the hill for a run and focussed on a beautiful butterfly while they ran around in the fields.

My friend Isy later posted lots of pictures of exactly the same butterfly and itās meaning. How synchronised is that?!?

I was blown away by that.
My poor mum is on her way over for a wee day out. Iām sure that will be fun for herā¦. I just want to wallow in self pity.
All the work I have done, all the positivity I have created is swept aside by a few down days. I cast a spell of misery everywhere I go. (I actually laughed out loud at that⦠jeez how much credit do I give myself eh?!)
Mum just arrived as I burst into tears on her.
So as you can probably imagine weāve had a lovely wee day after I dragged myself out of my wallowing.
It didnāt start well as we took a Calaidh to Mocha Jaks, a lovely coffee shop near us, and it was closed on a Monday. We were both hungry⦠and poor Calaidh missed out on her puppacino!
Back home for the car and headed to Auchengree Farm Shop for lunch. We sat there until about 2pm and then headed out to Largs.

We had a wander round all the charity shops and then had an ice cream from Nardinis, coconut chip and as we walked across the road to the shore, a HUGE seagull swooped down with feet either side of my head and actually touched me before I screamed and it flew off. The more I tell this story, the bigger the seagull gets. Itāll be a pterodactyl before longā¦. š

We sat in the sun for ages and took photos of the ferries and the sea. Iām calm by now. The sea always does that to me.


Iāve managed to arrange Kinesiology for tomorrow night. That always helps me figure things out.

Iāve read back what I wrote this morning and every part of me wants to delete it. I sound manic, so over the top, so ridiculous.
Iām not going to as thatās how I actually felt, as dramatic as it sounds…
Cringe. Here goesā¦
Stay safe everyone ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
Oh dear, so sorry you were feeling like this, sounds awful. I canāt believe I didnāt notice you didnāt blog yesterday, so much still going on with my parents. Hope tomorrow is better. You are brave and wise to keep blogging through the bad stuff. Thereās too much false happiness on social media. I respect you for showing it how it is XxX
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Thanks lovely. Yesterday is the first time I felt brave. I was so nervous posting that as I sounded so crazy but it is true. So painful and raw. It hurts and my head spirals out of control. I have this need to share with people to help them see the false side of social media. God knows why! I have to face so many people knowing they read that. š¤¦š»āāļø but hey⦠I really appreciate you saying that as it makes it worthwhile. Sending love re your folks. So unfair for you. Xx
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Life is often not fair but I keep reminding myself I am lucky in so many ways, which is true. I feel too busy at the moment but in some ways thatās helping me.. no time to be sad! Hope you feel better soon Xx
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You are very lucky to have both of them but that doesnāt lessen the difficulty you face when they both need you. Keep taking those photos and seeing the beauty around you as that will always help even if you donāt know it at the time xx
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