Day 875 a bad start to the day but with a visit from Mum and a lovely trip to Largs

I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I was not in the right frame of mind at all.

When I feel like this it’s catastrophic. At least that’s how I perceive it to be.

There’s a toddler inside my head throwing the biggest tantrum because things are not as perfect as I want them to be.

It feels like everything is the end of the world. Rather than letting the small things go my head blows them up into huge, monsterous, catastrophic events as if the end of days is nigh.

My lip curled upwards very slightly at that analogy so I know I’ve explained it correctly. But I will not allow a smile. I am far too grumpy to crack a smile. Unless it’s s fake one. Here’s todays face vs my genuinely beaming face from the other day.

Todays face versus last weeks genuinely smiley face

I feel truly miserable. The tears keep burning in my eyes. The worst I have felt in a while. Like a tornado of noise and anger and frustration and negativity raging through my mind. I can’t shake it. It weighs me down.

I’m on holiday for gods sake…. I watch every flight that flies over me and there are a lot and wonder how they can afford to be on a plane. Where are they off to? Why can’t I be up there?

We knew that when I left my old job that we would be ok and get by. I don’t seem to be handling this “getting by” very well. I can’t make peace with it. Why is that? I have way more than most.

Why all of a sudden, when it’s bad, do I focus on loss and waste, mess and all the maintenance required. I’m so overwhelmed that I’m sinking into a pit of despair. I hate it here but just not enough to climb out by myself.

I took the dogs up the hill for a run and focussed on a beautiful butterfly while they ran around in the fields.

My friend Isy later posted lots of pictures of exactly the same butterfly and it’s meaning. How synchronised is that?!?

I was blown away by that.

My poor mum is on her way over for a wee day out. I’m sure that will be fun for her…. I just want to wallow in self pity.

All the work I have done, all the positivity I have created is swept aside by a few down days. I cast a spell of misery everywhere I go. (I actually laughed out loud at that… jeez how much credit do I give myself eh?!)

Mum just arrived as I burst into tears on her.

So as you can probably imagine we’ve had a lovely wee day after I dragged myself out of my wallowing.

It didn’t start well as we took a Calaidh to Mocha Jaks, a lovely coffee shop near us, and it was closed on a Monday. We were both hungry… and poor Calaidh missed out on her puppacino!

Back home for the car and headed to Auchengree Farm Shop for lunch. We sat there until about 2pm and then headed out to Largs.

We had a wander round all the charity shops and then had an ice cream from Nardinis, coconut chip and as we walked across the road to the shore, a HUGE seagull swooped down with feet either side of my head and actually touched me before I screamed and it flew off. The more I tell this story, the bigger the seagull gets. It’ll be a pterodactyl before long…. 😆

We sat in the sun for ages and took photos of the ferries and the sea. I’m calm by now. The sea always does that to me.

I’ve managed to arrange Kinesiology for tomorrow night. That always helps me figure things out.

I’ve read back what I wrote this morning and every part of me wants to delete it. I sound manic, so over the top, so ridiculous.

I’m not going to as that’s how I actually felt, as dramatic as it sounds…

Cringe. Here goes…

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️