Day 736 over 2 years of my daily blog ✍️♥️

I can’t believe that with all the COVID-19 drama over the last few weeks that I have missed the chance to celebrate my two year blogging anniversary!

We could say it’s my Blogiversary!! Yeah ok… no… just no… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I never for one minute believed I would still be here, writing every day, give or take, for two years. What started as an exciting experiment has become a huge part of my life… an integral part of my healing journey.

By the time I started we were 8 days into Lockdown in Scotland in 2020. I had just been made redundant 3 weeks before all the craziness began and instead of worrying about where the next job would come from, we were all in the same boat, worrying about some random deadly virus that had taken hold of our world.

I had been home sick for a year on and off before then…. Suffering from anxiety and depression. Yet the rest of the world joined me in my new stay at home lifestyle.

In a way, lockdown was very good for me. As awful as it was for so many other people, I needed that extra time to recover. I had peeled back all my layers like a bad onion. (Not sure that’s the analogy I was reaching for?!)

I was a shadow of my former self… and yet… I was closer to the real me than I had been in a very long time.

I had become what everyone wanted me to be or what I thought they expected me to be. I had so many different masks that I wore so that I could hide what was breaking inside of me. I was set on self destruction but I didn’t even know it. I didn’t know how to be.

I put everyone first. Everyone was more important than me. I said yes to everyone. Didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I set about making everyone’s day better, to the detriment to my own.

Gradually I broke up. Fell apart. Couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. The effort it took to be everything to everyone was finally overwhelming. The tears brimmed almost all the time as more often than not, began to fall in the most awkward of moments.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

As lockdown started I should have been getting ready to head back into the world so I made a huge decision to volunteer with food deliveries to the local elderly. Even that was difficult for me.

In retrospect… I have been so lucky to have had the chance to build myself back up gradually. Through this blog I’ve been able to understand my thoughts, feelings and emotions through every step of the last two years.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to become so aware of the world around me. To have become aware of nature. Of calm and of stillness. I am able to sit in silence and be completely content with that.

I am aware of energy around me. My gut is NEVER wrong. I am empathetic of others and rather than get angry when someone upsets me or wrongs me, I try to think about why they may be as they are.

Most of all I love sharing my photos with you all. I love sharing the beauty that I see and I hope that one day I’m able to travel and show you more.

I should say today has been another good day and long may that continue.

So thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I do this for me but you all make it so much more worthwhile. It’s important to talk about mental health. If my blog helps at least one other person realise that it’s ok to not be ok, then it’s worth every hour spent on it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️