It’s 6.17am and I’ve been wide awake since 5am…. Thought I’d put this dead time to good use.

This waking up early malarkey bugs me. I have two mornings a week I get to sleep until 6.30am….. and I’ve not managed it for weeks.

Do you ever hear the voice inside your head that chatters away when you most want to rest. Mine never shuts up in the morning. Since 5am she’s told me that I can’t control my dogs out on a dog walk, my dogs don’t respect me, I must be running out of money about now, scared to check the bank account, how will I afford Christmas, well I can’t to the village Christmas Eve dog walk as I can’t control my dogs in a big group, who would I take, who would I leave behind, then I’ll have to walk the others, how will they be on Christmas Day at our folks house, I’ve no Christmas presents for anyone yet, why have I left it so late, what am I going to get, when am I going to buy them, how will I afford them, I should really check the bank to put my mind at ease but that might worry me more. (I’ve read that back and I cringe…. None of those things are an issue 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣but I want to sun up how crazy the thoughts can be at times).

All through that I’ve been trying to breathe deeply, shut down the inner voice and just be in the moment.

We are by far our own worst enemies!! You would never talk to anyone else like that. Ever.

It feels like a pain in my lower stomach, a bubbling of anxiety.

I’ve checked my positive feed on FB. That helps.

Now that I’m up and moving I can shut her up a bit. Jeez…..

The forecast is pretty dreich for today.

I step into the shower…. There’s a tennis ball.

Took me all my time to get a photo without the reflection in the shower box 😆 and in my house we also have this to deal with….

It was a very dark drive to work! I know that sounds ridiculous, but a real misty and murky dark.

In work I’m flitting backwards and forwards between jobs like a budgie. A wave of anxiety washing over me when I think of something while I’m doing something else. Drop the first thing, pick up the new thing, half do it then back to the first thing.

I have a list…. I keep jumping about the list, adding things, never removing. Constantly adding as my brain fires off things that need doing.

We have customers come and go and I add to the list. I’m still chirping away inside my head and it’s 2pm before I get a minute to stop for lunch.

And relax… and write this. It helps. I feel a bit calmer already. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok today and getting things done just self criticising my every move and every decision. I’m not about to burst into tears!

And more importantly, I achieved a lot today, despite all of that. Go figure eh but no wonder I get tired!

I have literally just had a conversation with someone who said the tone of my blog is so different now than from a few months back….. 😬😬😬grins as written this already and not deleting now…. 😬😬😬

So I thought a nice way to finish today would be some of my favourite photos of Scotland seeing as it’s St Andrew’s Day.

I really enjoyed looking through all my photos and there’s another 47,000 or so to go so we’ll never run out… 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I was in bed from 8.30pm last night and out for the count. Slept like a log. Finally!

Up at at ‘em at 5am ready for Fit Body Farm action. Today was the 2021 Workout of the Year where they are tying to encourage as many members as possible, past and present, to attend this workout number 1 of the week, over today and tomorrow.

I am the vision in yellow 💛 at the back.

Craig and I are members to Team Courage 💛💛

I was buzzing during the workout. I loved it! Short, sharp bursts of effort being cheered on by your team members. I had two lovely compliments about how fast I was on the ski-erg and how much weight I’d lost. So lovely of people to take the time to say that. I still haven’t lost much weight but I’ve lost 52cms so far which is great and I’m really feeling it.

My team won the final challenge. She who is not competitive at all…. Showed a teensy weensy wee shred of competitiveness today!

So a great start to the day!

It’s been a rotten day weatherise. We had to watch out for ice at the farm but it’s got milder and it’s now really smirry rain. that rain that soaks you!!

A busy day at Tartan HQ and finally got a Tartan hoody! Sure the pics are disappointing as it seems a few folk think my tartan T-shirt’s and hoodies are tartan…. Eh no, sorry!

So another good day AND Craig made the tastiest dinner which always helps.

Sitting in front of the fire and not moving forward the rest of the night!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow well that was some night. I don’t remember a storm that bad, certainly not since we’ve lived here. It was wild!

I think we were luckier than the east coast of Scotland. I have seen friends and family that have lost sheds, greenhouses, fences and poor mum and dad had some mega force of wind take down not only their fence but push over their heavy double wooden seat!

Our house was cold last night. The force of the wind blowing on the windows and doors was crazy. I had to wrap a scarf and a hoody round the door handle to try and cover the lock to stop the wind from howling through it! We do have a very old house so it’s not the most weather secure.

The wind howled all night. I didn’t sleep great as I was either listening to it or being woken up by it. We hear very little from our bedroom normally as the walls are about a foot thick. This was walloping into the weindow panes and finding every angle necessary to get through!

We woke to Calaidh having a 6.15am bark at the wind…. the joys eh?!

However it was a beautiful morning and I’ve got loads done. I started with a dog walk with Bhruic and Freya at 8.30am.

Back home to drop them off and take Calaidh up the hill.

Back home and shower before heading straight down to my lovely friend, Gayle’s, shop for Christmas cards. She does some lovely ones from Gateside so I always like to try and get them before they sell out.

Back home and out to Abbie the campervan for a major clean out! I found a packet of scones that went off on 11the September!!!!! And the worst of it is.. they still look ok….

Spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon out there in the van pottering, with the heater on of course. Felt really good to get it back into shape.

Then it was time for lunch and a weeeeee nap!

Mum called and we had a good wee chat and it woke me up enough to get moving again, changed the bed, tidied the bedroom, put washing away. It feels good.

Just before I started to make dinner I went to let the dogs out the back and noticed the most amazing sky!

It was stunning.

So lucky to catch this as it was over in minutes. A reminder that life is short and you should look around so you don’t miss things.

I’m cooking chicken pizza for dinner tonight with olives, peppers, onion and goats cheese. We’re having that with roasted potatoes and broccoli healthy style.

It’s still freezing outside but both fires are on and it’s super cosy inside.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Up before the birds for the Fit Body Farm and did a wee jig in the street when I saw Rachel two doors down getting into the car to go to her gym… we’re a crazy lot in this village!

The farm was hard this morning. Constant activity but at 6-7/10 effort… no breaks. It’s hard to work at 6-7/10 when everyone is bombing past you on the first run and you’re trying to speak in a loud voice to remind them it’s only 6-7/10 effort…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

So probably 10 x 500m runs this morning with wall ball targets, burpee broad jumps, sled push and pull and walking lunges with 20kg rec bags in between. As usual it starts off hard but I did settle into using the run as the kind of rest before the next exercise.

It was super cold and windy this morning. The grass was SOAKING and freezing once the wind caught my wet clothes. Yup crazy 😝

So, unusual for a Friday, but I had a shower at the farm so I could head straight to meet Mum without going home first.

The sunrise was pretty spectacular again.

So it was a nice drive this morning. A huge trip down memory lane as Google maps took me past Kilmarnock and through East Kilbride , both places we used to live. Not driven those roads in years but missed all the Glasgow traffic and got to Livingston Designer Outlet for 9am.

Of course we did it again and agreed to meet for shopping on Black Friday. The car park was full almost by the time I met mum only about 10-15 minutes later and pretty quickly the shops were heaving!

Of course we went for breakfast first and I had porridge with honey and an Oat Milk Latte. We didn’t get any photos but my FB memories today from 2016!! Told you we make a habit of it!

This is me in 2016… before I went off sick and piled on the weight!

So we had a good wander round but definitely don’t have the shopping stamina we used to have. Took some photos in the Lindt shop but proud to say didn’t buy a thing. 😆

We went into Muffin Break for lunch as everywhere was queued out the door except Krispy Kreme and Muffin Break for some reason.

Claire sent me this and said drive carefully home. It was some stormy drive back though I left about 1.30pm. Two hands on the wheel all the way. Yea I know you should always have two hands on the wheel but you know what I mean. Really holding on!

Gavin the Fit Body Farm coach (and owner) has sent me a link to a motivational book called “The Thin Woman’s Brain” and I’ve been listening to it while driving since Tuesday. It’s actually really good and as he said, same applies to guys too.

It explains why we overeat and how naturally thin women have a different relationship to food than those who have generated a food addiction. So today I’ve not had access to the best choices of food but I have thought about the flavours, savoured the food in my mouth and tried not to eat anymore when I became full. It encourages you to think about the difference between actual hunger and brain hunger. Brain hunger is the reason I put on 3 stone throughout my illness. I’ve understood that my buying and devouring the whole bag of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons, on almost a daily basis, was my body’s way of trying to generate some dopamine. Really all it did was give it a small hit but created an addiction for more. It’s really interesting and well worth a read or listen.

So straight into bed, when I got home, with the electric blanket on! Couldn’t really sleep but had a good hour or so rest.

My FB post on View from my window is now up at 39,600 likes with over 4,700 comments!! I’ve tried to keep up with them but sure I’ll be liking comments for a good few weeks to come. It’s finally slowed today but I’ve got loads to go back to. What a wonderful page.

I think I said before that I have my FB set so that I only see positive posts now and use it as a tool to help me write the blog. It’s a great feeling to take control over what you see.

I’m in jammies ready for a cosy Friday evening in front of the fire as the wind whistles down the chimney and howls outside the windows.

Happy weekend x

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

“I wish I could be Christmas every daaaaaaaaay” 🎶🎵 was blaring out from the radio today as I walked through the workshop to the loo….. I actually did a wee dance. Me.. Mrs Bah Humbug Christmas.

It’s the 25th November and that’s the first one I’ve heard. On the same day that snow fell on the A835 in the North of Scotland. This is the road that links Inverness to Ullapool.

It’s really super cold today. It was a beautiful start to the day.

When I got to work the sky was pink again.

I feel so lucky driving to work when the weather is like this.

A busy day again today. It’s been a good week and we’ve got loads done. There were things that went wrong…. that went right as soon as they’d gone wrong and that made me smile. Things I lost that I found straight away and made me smile. I felt in control today. As I read that back I wonder how things could be lost if I found them straight away… 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤣😆 I reckon you know what I mean!

So I’m late tonight as I’ve been out at the AGM for the Memorial Hall across the road from the house. I’m Assistant or Vice Treasurer (seems to be up for debate!) so just did my first annual report… albeit about 8 months late… due to various reasons outwith our control. This years accounts are ready for audit ahead every month if needs be. Will be AGM’ing again soon for next year!

It’s 9pm already so I’m going straight to bed. Meeting mum tomorrow for a wee shopping trip so need to get my beauty sleep. 🤣🤣

Oh and I’ve just agreed to do Tough Mudder next year with Craig and Rachel two doors down and a group from the village. I am in shock that YES came out my mouth when I was asked but bring on my 50th year on this planet!! I better get training…. 😱🤣😱🤣😱🤣😱

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Well who knows why you get a good day when nothings changed since yesterday but hey, my heads screwed on the right way round today.

I wake just before the alarm at 4.45am which is a nice change from the usual 3 or 4am…. And the Fit Body Farm was good today. I felt wide awake and really up for it. There were at least 25 folk there today, the busiest class I’ve ever seen. All of those people exercising at 6am. Crazy eh?! But very dedicated.

It was pouring by the time I came out from my shower. We were so lucky to work out in the dry. It was so misty and murky when I left.

Work was good. Super busy and I didn’t do half of what I needed to do but today my head says that’s ok. It is what it is, I did my best.

Radley the work dog was super cute today looking for tummy rubs!

Honestly check me… I amaze myself. I can be in bits one day and totally in control the next. I have to say I love the days where I am.

The sky was pink when I left work tonight.

These colours remind me of my bedroom walls when I was a kid! I had pink, silver and grey wallpaper…. Random huh?!

Lots of poetic license here as the industrial estate is not attractive so I had to cut the bottom out of them all 🤣

I’ve got my Crochet Hookers group at 7pm. I’ve not crocheted for ages, I really need to get the hook out! I’ve got a blanket to finish.

So I enjoyed sharing photos last night and started thinking that I could write some blogs about some things from the past too.

So tonight… I’m thinking some past crochet for a start.

I have never been creative. My lovely Gran was and this is the reason I took up crochet.

Gran made me these when I was a wee girl. I grew up with these blankets and have had them in every bedroom I’ve ever had. I’ve marvelled over the colours she picked. I have favourite squares…. 💜

When Gran was in her care home towards the end she tried to teach me to crochet and I was really bad at it. She got a wee bit frustrated with me!

This is me with Gran when she was telling me my hair was too long and getting in her face. She always thought I should have it cut short.

I’ve always wanted to be able to do it and one of my lovely neighbours, Anne, said she was going to a class a few years back and I said I’d love to go with her!

The very first square I ever tried.

We were in fits of giggles that night as we couldn’t crochet in a straight line… I reckoned it looked like an eye patch!

One day it just clicked and I have been “granny squaring” ever since. I think it’s lovely that it’s called a granny square and maybe that’s why it’s the only thing I ever do!!

There are loads more unfinished projects upstairs. Crochet got me through the hard days . It gave my mind something to focus on while I was off sick. I met the loveliest ladies in our crochet class who have become very good and supportive friends.

I can highly recommend it. 💜

Stay safe everyone 🧶🧶🧶

Wow I’ve been a right moan today. I woke at 4am. I tried to fall back asleep, tried not to make it a big thing. I maybe dozed for a few minutes but didn’t get back to sleep.

I knew my anxiety was quite high this morning. There’s no reason for it at the moment, at least I can’t put my finger on it. I felt antsy, nervous.

I felt ok by late morning but had a few wobbles. I couldn’t think straight and had to write a lot of lists.

On a positive note I have 35.1K likes on my photo on View from my window FB page. 244 people have shared my post. How crazy is that? How lovely is that actually. The comments I have on it are so heart warming.

So instead of writing a whinging blog I’m going to share some of my favourite photos.

So I think that’s enough for tonight but I’ve been enjoying picking out some photos. Tomorrow will be a better day and this was better than me overanalysing what was just an off day I reckon.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Back to the Fit Body Farm this morning… seems too soon… but it went well… lots of kettlebell work this morning.

I go for a shower at the farm before I head to work. I just switched the shower off when I heard a door slam…. Yup… they forgot about me this morning…. Now it’s nowhere near as dramatic as it sounds….. the lights were all off but I found a way out! It was actually quite funny.

I walked out the door to this…..

It took my breath away. So I took so many photos I was almost late for work!

I drove to work in a daze checking out the view everywhere and when I got to work the moon was high and bright. These photos are nowhere near as pretty.

The colours are amazing….. Shame it’s over an industrial estate but hey this is reality.

It was a good day at Tartan HQ today. I found another mistake I’d made this morning and it wasn’t the end of the world. It was it something that just needed fixed and I didn’t fall apart.

It was very cold this morning….. I actually resorted to foot warmers this morning. Now I have to say, they didn’t work immediately… but they did take the edge off. (49 going on 89 eh?!?) 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣🤣

By midday I was roasting… 🤣

I had feta salad for lunch… I’m back on track today and it feels good. I’ve not lost as much this week but that’s only to be expected with birthday doughnuts and cake 🎂 🤣

This is the garden now… it’s so pretty with lights on.

So that leads me to this FB post… there’s a page called View from my window. It’s lovely. People post so many stunning views from their houses… from all over the world. Most of them post a wee story about how long they lived there, why they live there or what living there has been like for them.

So I thought I’d post a pic from Gran’s chair. Compared to the photos I have seen my view was nothing special but I told them what it meant to me. I currently have 25.8k likes.

Can you believe that?! 3 dogs, some slabs and a wall. How could I have underestimated it so much. To so many people on the world our home is older than their country.

I have been blown away by the comments from people all over the world. It restores your faith in humanity… there are so many people out there with a lovely thing to say. Support for my mental health, oodles of love for the puppers and awe at the history we live with every day and maybe take for granted.

Wow. I’ve just checked again and it’s 25.9k likes now. It’s crazy.

I’ve done loads since I came in from work so it’s been a good day. Things done, boxes ticked and a wee surprise at the power of a simple FB post.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

What a beeeeeeea-U-tiful day! There was a stunning sky at 7.30am because of course I didn’t manage a lie in again today. why would I after a strenuous workout yesterday?!

It’s cold so we have the stove on for the first time in ages.

We had coffee while I sat in Gran’s chair. Basically that means that the side of me next to the fire is roasting and the side of me at the door is freezing. 🥵🥶 she says trying to edge in to the fire… 😬🤣

I was swithering about what to do with my day when Claire messaged to ask if I was taking the dogs out. Told her I was toying with the beach so she said she’d come too!

There were cows in the field and their feeder was right up at the gate to the beach. Now this is controversial as I know I don’t own the land but you’d think we could have access to the beach from the car park without having to negotiate a herd of cows. Thankfully I saw them as we drove past so knew to have the dogs on the lead. People near beaches must get inundated with visitors so I do understand but it’s just another path that’s getting closed off. It’s not often I’m a wee big negative but this makes me a bit sad.

We watched the lifeboat come flying out to this ship, speed round the back of it and then off out in front as if leading it in somewhere. Was a fascinating few minutes trying to figure out what was going on!

Claire bought me Turkish Apple Tea for my birthday so I took that down in the van and we had that with some Marshmallows that Craig had got me from the Marshmallowist.

It’s been a stunning day. Everything seems much brighter when the sun shines. The colours are so vibrant in the winter sun.

Had the best wee trip out, came home, wrote most of this and then into the pub next door for wee Rachel’s 12th birthday party!

It’s now 8.20pm and I’ve just quickly made breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and packed my sports bag for the morning.

My diet has been pretty shocking since Wednesday. Now when I say that, it’s nothing like it was but I’ve had more sugar than I’ve had in the last 3 weeks.

I feel it. There’s a bubbling anxiety that I’ve not done quite what I wanted and I’m not as calm as I’d want to be at this time on a Sunday night.

But actually… there’s nothing wrong, everything’s ready and I’m writing a list for the week. There’s no need for it. I need to screw the nut the next few weeks to get back on track and cut the sugar back out.

It’s a lovely calm and cold evening out there tonight. The moon is so bright.

So I hope you all have the best week. Be kind to everyone you meet as you’ve no idea what’s going on in their lives. ♥️

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So let’s deal with the numbers first…. 600 days of writing a daily blog. Seriously, can you actually believe it?!?

600 days ago I decided to keep a blog about life in lock down. I had been off sick from work since September 2018 with anxiety depression.

My position was made redundant in on 28th February 2020. That was about 20 days before we went into COVID-19 lockdown.

None of us knew what was coming.

I went into lockdown without a job.

That was equally terrifying.

To be fair I was nowhere near ready to look for a new one. I still had a long way to go before I had the confidence to work for anyone.

I quickly found how much I enjoyed writing it. I needed to write it. While I tried to keep it as a diary of lockdown, I found that it really helped me to make sense of all the jumbled up feelings in my head.

I am an overthinker.

I worry about the day I never saw…. As my Gran would say…. 💜

I have all the tools to control it. Yet sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I forget all of those tools. Yet I sit down anywhere from early afternoon to early evening every day and write down how I’ve felt during my day and it really helps me.

I spend the day collecting blog content in my head, it gives me some focus.

It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done…. I’ve done it for me and it helps me so much.

On top of that I gave up drinking alcohol in January 2019 and I have 1,052 days alcohol free under my belt. I am a much better person without it. It’s been a very difficult journey and a lonely one at times but it’s right for me.

I also hit 98 days without anti-depressants and that, for me, is huge!!! I am managing my life without the meds and I am so, so very proud of it.

So that said, I was anything less than mediocre today. We undertook our first Hyrox challenge at the Fit Body Farm today. Check us.

Now this was a Hyrox Half so we did half of everything on that list, that’s still 4K of running along with all the other exercise in between.

I was overwhelmed by it all even when we arrived. I’ve never taken part in a sports event before. I’m like a kid at the FBF who expects to be pointed in the right direction all the time and we had to take responsibility for all of this ourselves. Big girl pants.

I found it really hard. Craig and I worked together and he finished the first four stages before me. I felt like I was holding him back. I felt like everyone who started after us was catching us up… my inner voice was so negative. The next four stages came way more easily to me. To be fair, I had half the weight Craig had.

I finished the last one before him and they all shouted me to run to the finish line. He waited for me most of the morning so I was never going to do that. We crossed the finish together…. huge high five and big hug.

I tried to swallow it down but burst into tears for a quick moment. The relief it was over, the adrenaline crashing now it was over.

We were done by 11am. I’ve been worried about it for way longer than it took to do it.

I was beetroot for ages afterwards.

We had hot showers when we got home and I didn’t want to get out of…. Ever.

Then we went down to Mocha Jak’s for lunch.

We had a lovely lunch. It was so nice to relax and be really proud of what we’d done.

I feel like I’ve been rabbiting on for hours here and still so much to say…. Will speed it up.

When we came home I went into Claire’s for a lovely cuppa. Got some great pics of her handsome boy!

Then home for dog walk. I love a sunset dog walk.

I’ve been sitting for the last hour and half writing this and I might never move again. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😬🤣

I want to thank everyone who reads this whether it’s daily or from time to time. People who don’t even know me. I appreciate you all and hope that my ramblings help some of you.

Life is not easy. It’s how we face it that matters.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Yup I think I am…. But I still let Craig make breakfast this morning without feeling too guilty. It was very lovely!

We were awake super early as seems to be the way these days. Got up at 7am and had coffee.

We started talking about Christmas presents this morning. Christmas usually hits in our house once my birthday is out the way.

Now I have always prided myself in being good at buying gifts for people. I love picking things out that I think they would like, love buying wee bits and pieces so that they have lots of lovely gifts to open and love watching them open them.

Now for some reason in these last few years I have lost all confidence in being able to choose gifts for people.

It started with my friend Lea’s birthday. I’ve know her for 20 years. She was our Maid of Honour. I’ve bought her gifts for 20 years and always known what to get her. She turned 40 just before we went into Lockdown 1.0 and I had no idea what to get her. I couldn’t buy her anything. The more I put it off the worse it got and it turned into a huge big thing for me. It’s almost like I used it as something to beat myself with.

So we finally bought her a ring that she wanted but I can’t shake off the feeling that I don’t know what to get anyone anymore.

To be fair I spent the best part of a year and a half at home “off sick” and pretty much hiding from the world. Maybe that’s enough to have made me lose track of people’s likes and dislikes but I need to get over it. And sharpish!!

So we headed out to the shops this morning and picked up some bits and pieces and I started to feel a wee bit excited about Christmas which is UNHEARD OF for me recently.

I’ve really struggled with it for years and I’m not sure I can put a finger on why….. that’s something to mull over the next few weeks.

So we then headed to Decathlon and I got a running jacket and long sleeved top with money from my parents and in-laws.

I love the way Bhruic is looking at me 🤣🤣

We were home by 12.30pm and I had to head straight back out to get my nails done. I now have red sparkly toes which no one will ever see 🤣🤣.

Then down to Tartan HQ to pick up Abbie the Campervan with her new solar panel which the boys fitted overnight.

I now have a 200 watt solar panel to help charge up my leisure battery. This means we can be off grid and still have the fridge and the diesel heater working.

I took the dogs out as soon as we got home.

The sky’s been funny all day today. A low level cloud that looks almost yellow, like dirty water. So strange. I tried to take a photo.

Love this tree in the Geilsland Estate.

And this next one.

The sky was stunning but I missed the best of it.

So back home and in jammies as I do. I’m writing this with Freya curled up on my lap and Bhruic by my side.

It’s been a great, chilled out few days.

The calm before the storm.

We have our first timed exercise challenge tomorrow morning at the Fit Body Farm. We’re both doing a half Hyrox.

It’s going to be hugely out of my comfort zone and way more exercise than we’ve done recently. The time isn’t the be all and end all. We’re doing it for the challenge.

Least I have a new jacket to wear 🥳

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I am so overwhelmed with the amazing birthday wishes that I received. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful support.

I got loads of lovely cards and gifts yesterday too.

I went to the village pub for my Crochet Hookers group and Evelyn brought carrot cake! I had a small piece and it was sooooo good along with alcohol free Gordon’s gin and tonic.

Craig came home just after 8 and we had crispy duck pancakes from the Chinese. Not had that in so long and really enjoyed it though didn’t eat half what I would usually eat!

Craig did a healthy twist on birthday cake!

These are really lovely. They are obviously made without sugar but I’m finding my tastes have changed and anything too sugary seems like too much now and makes my teeth feel like they are bleeding sugar! who even am I now?!?! Only downside is that they all have a best before of 22nd November which is Monday…… whole lotta cake to be eaten by then. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😳🤣

I got a solar panel for Abbie the camper van which means we can be more off grid and don’t need to be on sites with electric hookup. we dropped her off at work for it to be fitted. He’d organised all of that. Not gonna lie I had all kinds of fear that we are far too busy to be bothering with my solar panel but it was all arranged.

We headed straight for lunch.

This is based at Fencefoot Farm in Fairlie on the west coast just south of Largs.

It’s a lovely wee place. They don’t serve alcohol so just water for us, which suits me. You can go to the Farm Shop and buy wine or beer and bring it in to the restaurant.

Starters were Cullen Skink and Scallops.

The scallops were on a puréed cauliflower with a curry sauce. It was exquisite!

Mains were poached Halibut with creamy samphire and mussel sauce over a bed of mash and pan seared fillet of cod with tumeric rice pilaff and a curried coconut sauce.

It was so lovely. Followed with a decaf latte.

I didn’t want the lunch to end. Yet I couldn’t eat anymore even if I tried.

We drove home over the Fairlie Moor road and stopped foe a few photos. It’s been dreadful weather all day but the sun shone through the clouds for a few minutes.

So we had the loveliest meal and I’ve been sitting in jammies ever since. Be rude not to.

So thanks again to everyone for making my birthday that but more special.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Jeez….. 49. That was fast.

I shouldn’t be scared of my age. I am so very grateful to have reached an age that so many have not. But I am a wee bit scared.

This last wee while I am so very aware that life is short and it’s meant to be lived every moment. Not slept through. …

Travelling is my passion. We talk about it a lot and we know there is a lot more to come.

We need to spend the rest of our lives appreciating every day and making it worthwhile.

So we’ve been awake since about 3am…. Yup. We were wide awake in time for the Fit Body Farm at 6am. I worked hard and upped my weights a bit again.

Off to work straight after for one last day before a few days off.

I got a call at the back of 9. Boss man calling me to Upholstery as “the place is a disaster” and “it’s the last thing he needed to walk into”….. 😳🤯🙊

Yay!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🥳🎂🎉🎊🥳

Thank god. Honestly I had the fear…. It’s still too soon 🤣🤣🤣

Wait till you see what they got me…

Check the 2nd row up…. That’s a special team of folk eh? They know I’m on my FBF challenge so got me pineapple in case I didn’t want a doughnut 🍩…. I had the one above the pineapple! 🤫🥳

The card is handmade too!! So special. Was really chuffed after I got over the relief at the shock. 😬🤣

I feel very blessed to have had so many messages today from so many lovely people.

I haven’t opened any cards or gifts yet as we’ve both been working today. Craig will be home at 8 and we have a half crispy duck coming!

I’m totally milking the gifts and cards and will hold off as long as I can to make it last 🤣🤣

I turn 49 at 9.36pm.

I’m 1,049 days alcohol free.

I’m 95 days anti-depressant free.

I’m one very lucky girl.

And now I’m off to hang out with my Crochet Hookers for a bit!

Stay safe everyone 🥳🥳🥳

Oh wow…. Well I can write today down as another learning curve in the life of learning curves.

I am so done with the curving. Guess I need to realise that it’s another life lesson.

So a very simple trigger. Last night I realised I hadn’t ordered a part that we’d been waiting on at work. I even stayed on last night to phone the supplier to chase it….. only to find out I hadn’t ordered it. 😳🤯

Now this is not the end of the world. It’s not great either but I told everyone last night and I didn’t get told to “pick a window” or “pick a door” as my “jaeckets on a shoogly peg” as may have been heard in the past.

I didn’t even write about it last night as I just chose to let it go. Or so I thought.

I wake up with a thumping head at 5am. I try to get back to sleep but I can’t. I use all the techniques. Focus on breathing… lasts all of 2 breaths… focus on my toes and try to do a body scan. Nope, can’t get up past my ankles before my mind is whirring again.

A whole lot of fear and feelings of being out of control.

So this morning I come into work and I am all over the place. I try really hard not to be. Try to pull myself together. Try to talk myself down out of the spiral 🌀.

It’s not working. There are tears. There is breathlessness. And most of all there is disappointment.

I am so proud of these last few weeks. So proud of the way I’ve handled the Fit Body Farm challenge on top of everything else. So proud of my calm approach to life.

The disappointment is that anxiety can still wallop me in the face when I least expect it and for no real apparent reason.

I felt like I had just drink 5 strong coffees in a row. Of course I hadn’t. Anxiety bubbles like caffeine.

It made me jittery, forgetful, made me say all the wrong words, call people by a completely different name. I just felt completely out of control.

Then I ramble… more than ever. Trying to do all my jobs at once. No coordination. Flitting from one thing to the next without a breath.

I suddenly feel calm early afternoon. I felt shattered and could have slept at my desk. The calm after that anxiety is an amazing feeling, such a relief.

I still struggle with this being ok. I know I need to accept it for what it is as I know it will be yesterday’s news in no time at all. I feel weak at the time. I still need validation from others that it’s ok. I can’t accept it myself yet. In turn I feel pathetic for seeking validation.

Just calm down….

Relax….

If only.

So in other lovely news I came home to early birthday flowers from Mum and Dad.

They made my day.

So I’ve had dinner (spaghetti bolognese) which I prepared yesterday. Check me. Makes life so much easier when you have food to come home to.

We’re watching Griff’s Great Australian Rail Trip on Netflix. He’s just travelled from Perth to Kalgoorlie. It’s a huge trip down memory lane as I traveled there in 2005 all by myself.

That’s another story and one I must tell one day as it was a very early indication that I liked writing when I sent emails home about my adventures. I’ve only just realised that.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I can hardly walk. 🤣🤣

Honestly my muscle ache my from the Fit Body Farm on Saturday have me walking like a cowboy when I can actually get moving. I’m having to hold onto something to try and get up and down from the loo 🚽 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

It’s sore but a great feeling as I know I’ve worked really hard.

Wide awake at 4am 😵‍💫 and back to the Farm again this morning by 5.38am for a weigh in….. yes we are slightly insane.

So I’ve lost 1.9% body fat so far which is great but I was a bit under-awed by that after all the effort I’ve put in… but hey… it’s a loss and I’ve measured 41cms lost which I guess is pretty huge and I’m really pleased with that.

So this morning there was a lot of running. My legs felt like logs but eventually kinda loosened off.

We ran for a minute then stopped for some exercises every minute for 10 minutes. Twice. Lots of running. It did make me smile watching people at random places in the dark stop and start some exercises. Like a strange game of musical statues but with moving statues!

So I’m tired tonight. It’s been a really busy day in Tartan HQ.

I had a list of things to do and hardly got to any of it. I certainly added to it!

Didn’t get my lunch until 2pm and almost had the shakes by the time I ate. It was just the way things worked out and doesn’t happen often.

I was a bit later leaving tonight too and it was already dark! That’s the start of it… will be like that now until the end of February. The nights are fair drawing in!

And finally a wee interesting thing I found today. 25 years ago Scotland’s Stone of Destiny was returned to Scotland having been moved from Scone Abbey to Westminster in London in 1296.

I remember the day it came home to Scotland and to Edinburgh Castle.

Cannot believe it was 25 years ago. 😳

Tomorrow is my last day being 48. 🙊🤯

Where does the time go?!? 😱

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

First of all… check the sky before we went to bed last night. Spooky!

The house lights and garden light really lit everything up.

Oooooh I’ve just had the best day. I have ticked so many things off my list and it feels good.

To be fair I got up about 6am to achieve it so you’d bloody hope I had something to show for it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😬🤣

I woke at 5.15am… becoming a habit…. The sky was pink when it got light.

We had a very early morning coffee (still decaf!) and I got into the housework.

Living room, Kitchen, Sunroom, Bathroom and STAIRS…. All done by 9am. So there are still things on my list but that’s a huge weight off my mind. I hate seeing mess everywhere. It overwhelms my mind. Makes me question my worth almost. How ridiculous is that?!?

We live with 3 dogs. Our house is never going to be a palace. Some days I use that as excuse. Some days I’m disgusted at the mess they cause. Some days I just tidy it all up and I feel awfy damn proud of myself.

I met Claire at 10am for a big walk with the dogs. It’s been a long time since we did that. I feel I’ve not walked the dogs enough this last week though Craig has but it felt good to give them a long walk and get a good blether along the way.

We walked to Barmill and to Nosh where Claire bought us rolls and square sausage and coffee…. They had decaf! Love this pics as Claire just walked out the door!!

We headed into the Barmill Community Park to have our breakfast.

And then we walked back.

This tree was so autumnal looking. The trees around here are all very black bark so the leaves really show up.

So regular readers will know exactly what came next…. Well after hanging up washing blah blah blah… I went to bed, put the electric blanket on and had THE best nap. 2.45pm I woke up. Soooo good.

So another hour has passed writing this and it’s still only 4pm…. It’s been a great day.

This next one feels a bit negative for me to post but it’s actually pretty true. If you stay away from other peoples’ drama or expectations of you then life is so much more calm.

So I’m here now. Feet up in front of the fire.

I might get my crochet out… should do that actually… but most of all I’m relaxing. Should say here too that any form of movement is actually agony after yesterday’s Farm…. He upped the weights on our Sled Push 🛷 and I think everyone who did the workout says they can feel it! I have muscles on my muscles in my butt cheek and all the way down the backs of my legs. It’s pain free to sit still so I’m just gonna do that. 😬🤣

A funny to end with…..

Always, always, always B.

Have a great week everyone. Know your worth. Be kind to everyone you meet as you have no idea what their struggles may be. They may be trying to hold it all together and your kindness might just be the one thing that helps. We all have that power.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Hair appointment day for the first time in over a year! 💇🏻‍♀️

So let’s rewind… I finally feel a bit better so I decided to try the Fit Body Farm this morning. I was wide awake by 6.20am but to be fair I’d been in bed since the back of 9 last night.

FBF starts at 7.30am on a Saturday. Much more civilised.

What a beautiful morning. ☀️☀️☀️

A stunning sunrise🌅

The farm is so autumnal, it’s just beautiful. After last night’s storm there are fresh fallen green leaves in amongst the red and brown ones.

I have no photos as I was busy concentrating on trying to breathe. … while obviously in awe of the sun rising in the sky through the trees.

It was a tough workout this morning…. But really good. I worked hard. I struggled for breathe at times but I did it and I didn’t shirk any of it.

I was buzzing when I left.

I should say here that I do drive about looking all over the place for photo opportunities. I actually marvel at everything I see in nature just now. I know how crazy that sounds but I actually love it.

So straight home, 3 sips of coffee, quick shower and then across the road to my lovely neighbour for my hair appointment.

So this is it at the start.

Elaine has a beautiful wee dog and it’s so lovely to play with her when you get your hair done!

I’m so pleased with it. I never really make any effort these days. My hair normally does what it does but it feels really good to have it all tidied up.

I didn’t want to be stuck in the house for the rest of the day with lovely hair so I suggested we went out for a bite of lunch.

By this time it’s after 1pm and I’ve not eaten anything all day… so we went to Mocha Jaks which is the new coffee shop at the end of the road.

I had a Oat Milk Decaf Latte and and Veggie haggis, cheese and Sriracha panini. It tasted so good and I appreciated every single bite. Even the salt and vinegar crisps at the side of the plate were exquisite 😬🤣

We did NOT order cakes which is a healthy eating win…. Their cakes are amazing and out of this world! Just not today.

So my bouncy curls got a wee lunch out and a trip to the supermarket to buy dinner.

I’ve loads of things running through my head… things that need doing….. so I wrote a big list. I’m already kind of freaking out that there’s only one day left in the weekend…. Yet I’m not gonna do any of it. Not right now.

It’s been a busy week, I’ve felt rotten all week and now that I’m finally breathing more clearly, I am going to rest.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Ok I know…. Pure hunners of people work 5 days a week and hey… I have done for the rest of my life… just not so much now.

So boom, 5 day week done, anxiety still in check AND most of it done with a rotten, stinking cold.

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm this morning as I couldn’t breathe properly… and I felt totally wiped out. The coach says that if the cold is only in your nose rather then your chest then you can work out at a reduced level so I’m going to go tomorrow morning instead. I’m finally feeling a wee bit better. I have a working nostril at last!

So there’s not much else to report today. I’m sitting in jammies with my feet up in front of the fire. I’ve had dinner…. I’ve cooked every night this week even though I’ve felt rotten.

I’ve lost a few pounds this week on top of the inches. It feels good to be down a bit in weight.

Another early night for me, life in the fast lane but hey, just the way I like it. ♥️

Have a good weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Our world turned upside down in the first few months of 2020. That was nothing compared to what our previous generations went through. All we had to do was stay at home and stay safe.

When we stop to think of the great wars we can’t ever imagine just how terrifying it all must have been. How out of control everything became for them. My grandparents didn’t talk about it much or maybe I didn’t ask or listen.

We have friends in the forces and their stories are beyond anything I can ever imagine. We don’t stop to think about the sacrifice people make in their lives so others can have a better life.

So today we remember.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️