Where do I even start?!?
A guy I used to work with, Tommy Morrison, messaged me a few months back and his message ended with, can’t wait for day 1000!
What?! This was back maybe in the mid 900’s and needless to say, while I panicked and thought I’d better plan….I haven’t thought about what I’m going to write today. I’m gonna do what I do best and just let it flow.
I guess a quick recap… sorry for those of you’ve been here from the start… 😂
In September 2018, I walked out of the office in floods of tears, unable to cope with anything any more.
I fell apart. I had become a quivering, tearful and anxious wreck. I had no self worth at all. I was a people pleaser who just had no people pleasing energy left in me.
I’d hired a strong team who could see the inconsistencies of Senior Management. They wouldn’t kowtow like I had been doing. They questioned everything that was wrong in the business, everything that I had overlooked to try and keep the peace. They were right. I was being pulled in so many directions. I couldn’t possibly keep them all happy and I started to cry and didn’t really stop.
I’ve lived my life to make people happy. To make people laugh and smile so that they would be my friend.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was diagnosed with anxiety, which lead to depression.
After 3 months off sick, I went back to work for 5 months but I was a shadow of former self. I was terrified of everything, so off sick I went, for a second time.
Not surprisingly, my position became redundant in February of 2020. Right before COVID-19 hit and from 23 March 2020, Scotland was plunged into lockdown.
I was still pretty sick. Couldn’t even get out to think about getting a new job so my redundancy payment really helped to get us through.
I started volunteering for the local food deliveries to the elderly. I sobbed with built up tension when I got home from my first shift. I was so scared of everything. I’d lost all of my confidence.
I was so very, very sad. I cried for such a long time. I had suicidal thoughts when I’ve felt like I just couldn’t go on. That’s just brought tears…..so I think that’s enough of a recap. 😂
I started to write this blog to keep a track of life in lockdown. I did have a feeling it might help my head too. I’ve missed a couple of days when I’ve felt so bad that I just couldn’t find the words to write down but this has been my daily constant for 1000 whole days.
These last 4 years have been the most amazing journey. I am strangely, so very grateful to have gone through everything that I have. (Yeah I’ll remind myself of that on the bad days!)
I have woken up and seen the light. Stepped out of the rat race, or the matrix, and I have set boundaries. I’ve sadly lost friends, some their choice and some for my own sanity. I’m not proud of everything I’ve done during this time. Importantly, I have done it all for me. I’ve put me first. I can’t fill from an empty cup.
I’ve learned so much about myself. If you’re a regular reader you will see that writing helps me piece things together, helps me understand my emotions. My head tells me immediately when something is wrong…. It screams at me from the rooftops!!!
I’m no longer on any form of anti depressant, after having taken them for around 20 years. I’m no longer attending Kinesiology sessions. I am almost 3 months into HRT and I do feel like it’s the final piece of the jigsaw. I think we’ll need to juggle the dosage to get it right but this Christmas has been a revelation for me. I’m finally starting to relax and just be myself.
I’ve had the most amazing support from family and friends. I am so grateful for them all.
I’ve also become very comfortable with my own company and have to seek that out when I need to reset. I know immediately when I need to reset.
Most of all, I have become so acutely aware of the beauty around me…. (And I don’t mean my handsome Craig 😂).
Scotland is just so stunningly beautiful, I seek out sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I see beauty in nature everywhere I look. I never took the time to notice any of this before.
I’ve said it very recently but this is life. Today. Right now. Here and now. The present moment. Not the holiday we have booked in May, not the boots I’ve just bought. Just this moment right now.
I am finally at peace with myself.
(Oh jeez that realisation brought tears as well 🤦🏻♀️😂)
To add to all the excitement, I’ve been wild sea swimming again today so I’m gonna leave you with a tiny selection of my photos. I am so very grateful to Ellison and her sister Eileen, for introducing me to it. 🏊🏼♀️🥶☀️🏼
It’s -1.5°C when I leave the house. Abbie the Campervan is frozen on the inside. I had to scrape both the inside and outside of the van.
It was a beautiful morning. The sun was rising behind me as I drove. The sky in front of me was pink and purple. I drove around a bend on the way to West Kilbride, and the view of the sea and the Isle of Arran, took my breath away. I actually gasped. The sea looked green and pink from away up that road. This is where we parked at Seamill beach.
It was soooooo cold today.
We swam a good bit. It was much colder than yesterday. We had to keep moving. There were inquisitive seals around us the whole time we were out!! I didn’t get any decent photos, they just look like dots but it was fascinating to watch them.
Eileen had a wee raised campfire, with toasted marshmallows, after we got dried. I sipped my hot Chai tea as I was still fasting. Did 18 hours today.
The three of us then went for a walk as the other girls headed home.
I love this next photo…. This is the end result…. The photos to get to this are hilarious!!!
The weather totally turned and the wind picked up. The sky got so dark.
What a difference from when we went in!
I’ve had the best day. The best 1000 days really and here’s to many more of The Rambling Sloth to come. Thanks for all of your support.
If you’re on Instagram, have a look at the video clips on @theramblingsloth. 🏼
Stay safe everyone 🏊🏼♀️🥶☀️