I’m late today. I’ve been a busy bee all day.

I was in work early for a customer visit today and haven’t stopped all day. It’s all good. I feel under control. I’m scared to admit that because when I do things seem to go wrong. It’s nice to have a good few days.

I felt a bit anxious this morning but I was very aware of it and managed to shift it.

It has not stopped raining all day! Torrential rain, stotting down all day… hammering on the roof of our portacabin at Tartan HQ. I

When I got home I put a washing on and then went upstairs to work on the Village hall year end accounts. I spent a couple of hours finalising everything and got them submitted to our accountant.

I am pretty chuffed with that since it’s only 5th April. Last year I didn’t submit them until December….. this is how it should be! all is well with the world!

So it’s 8pm before I sat down to write the blog….

I’m listening to another good Happy Place podcast with Fearne Cotton interviewing Dr Rongan Chatterjee.

It’s such a good one, I highly recommend a listen.

He talks about how we should show compassion for others. If we disagree with someone or someone wrongs us, we should try to understand the position the other person is coming from. Understand why they think like they think, or why they have acted as they have.

I am very good at this I think! If I get angry at something I try to understand why. It belittles my anger quickly.

Now we can’t always be saints and there will be odd thing that sends us into orbit but for the most part this is how I’d like to live my life. Compassion for others.

Also to understand that we are the subject of our past, our generations and subsequently how we have been brought up. Rongan said his parents always expected more of him in exam results, if he got 90% they asked why not 91%?

This made him grow up thinking he was never good enough and had to perfect to gain their approval. Difficult to live up to.

He has recently discussed this with his mum…. Fearne cringed at that!

His parents came to the UK in 1962 when the UK asked for Indian doctors to support the workload here. His father worked a day job and another night job for 30 years. THIRTY YEARS with virtually no sleep, how is that even possible?

His mum said that they believed success was the most important factor in life and would ultimately bring them happiness.

However… she never saw her husband. The children never saw their dad but he was very successful and provided for them and gave them a better life than they may have had in India. His parents only wanted Rongan to succeed and be successful in life so pushed him to excel. With only the very best of intentions.

The two separate perspectives make complete sense when you actually take time to think about them.

Powerful. Rongan does his own podcast too so I might give that a listen again.

Love this next one… this is sooo me now!

Also this…. I’ve made so many internet friendships in the last few years. So many people that have played a huge part in my recovery… and I have never met them.

We have connected because of our personalities and that’s very important to me. ♥️

It’s still raining….. ☔️☔️☔️

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I can’t believe that with all the COVID-19 drama over the last few weeks that I have missed the chance to celebrate my two year blogging anniversary!

We could say it’s my Blogiversary!! Yeah ok… no… just no… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I never for one minute believed I would still be here, writing every day, give or take, for two years. What started as an exciting experiment has become a huge part of my life… an integral part of my healing journey.

By the time I started we were 8 days into Lockdown in Scotland in 2020. I had just been made redundant 3 weeks before all the craziness began and instead of worrying about where the next job would come from, we were all in the same boat, worrying about some random deadly virus that had taken hold of our world.

I had been home sick for a year on and off before then…. Suffering from anxiety and depression. Yet the rest of the world joined me in my new stay at home lifestyle.

In a way, lockdown was very good for me. As awful as it was for so many other people, I needed that extra time to recover. I had peeled back all my layers like a bad onion. (Not sure that’s the analogy I was reaching for?!)

I was a shadow of my former self… and yet… I was closer to the real me than I had been in a very long time.

I had become what everyone wanted me to be or what I thought they expected me to be. I had so many different masks that I wore so that I could hide what was breaking inside of me. I was set on self destruction but I didn’t even know it. I didn’t know how to be.

I put everyone first. Everyone was more important than me. I said yes to everyone. Didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I set about making everyone’s day better, to the detriment to my own.

Gradually I broke up. Fell apart. Couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. The effort it took to be everything to everyone was finally overwhelming. The tears brimmed almost all the time as more often than not, began to fall in the most awkward of moments.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

As lockdown started I should have been getting ready to head back into the world so I made a huge decision to volunteer with food deliveries to the local elderly. Even that was difficult for me.

In retrospect… I have been so lucky to have had the chance to build myself back up gradually. Through this blog I’ve been able to understand my thoughts, feelings and emotions through every step of the last two years.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to become so aware of the world around me. To have become aware of nature. Of calm and of stillness. I am able to sit in silence and be completely content with that.

I am aware of energy around me. My gut is NEVER wrong. I am empathetic of others and rather than get angry when someone upsets me or wrongs me, I try to think about why they may be as they are.

Most of all I love sharing my photos with you all. I love sharing the beauty that I see and I hope that one day I’m able to travel and show you more.

I should say today has been another good day and long may that continue.

So thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I do this for me but you all make it so much more worthwhile. It’s important to talk about mental health. If my blog helps at least one other person realise that it’s ok to not be ok, then it’s worth every hour spent on it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oor Craigie is finally COVID free! He tested negative for a second time so is good to go. Of course that doesn’t mean he’s immediately better, he’s been more breathless today.

I’m finally feeling better, like the cold has finally gone… as I type that, I cough! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 but I do feel a lot less bunged up.

I’ve had another productive day today. I had some anxiety about work again when I woke up but it went quickly when I got moving.

I sat outside this morning and Brasso’d all the kitchen cupboard and drawer handles. I love that I made that into a verb! Brasso’d!

Now I should say here that it was nowhere near as much fun as I expected it to be. It would appear that Brasso is great for polishing and not for removing years of built up dirt and lacquer.

I get very frustrated at that as I need it to be immediate. I want to to put all the handles back on right now… I don’t want to find other ways of cleaning them. I want the Brasso to work. Now. (Story of my life this eh?!)

So I turn a blind eye to them and get them fitted back on. They do look a damn sight better than they did. My hands are like sand paper today despite wearing rubber gloves.

The kitchen is still not finished but it’s so much better than it was. Another day or work or so but that can wait.

I had a shower and ended up cleaning the bathroom, as you do.

I then went down to the Co-op to get some food for the week. Check me.

I’m watching the new series of Bridgerton as I write this. For someone who doesn’t like period drama, I sure do love Bridgerton.

So this weekend has been really good. I’ve not wanted to go out at all and have been happy staying at home and getting things done. It hasn’t really felt like a chore…. Except for the Brasso obviously!

I haven’t felt anxious like I usually do at weekends, trying to fill my days with a huge list of tasks. I’ve taken each moment at a time and it feels like it’s been a really long weekend. In a good way. I feel refreshed and relaxed.

My diet is still lazy and pretty shocking but I’ve done 3 food shops in the last few days and it’s not been the end of the world…. I have survived. 😆

Who knows… maybe this week I might actually cook some of it…. Maybe.

This is our Sunday almost evening reminder that we can handle everything this week throws at us. I hope for a lot more calm as I love feeling like this and long may it continue.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Let’s not speak too soon but I think I might be finally finished painting the kitchen cupboards.

It’s like painting the Forth Rail Bridge… it just seems to go for ever and you no sooner finish one end than you have to start again at the other end.

No seriously, I think the cupboards are all done. There are no photos as the place is still a mess and we need to sand the wooden surfaces and put all the handles back on the doors and drawers. Hopefully though, the most difficult part is done.

I have my feet up outside on my new bench…. Don’t think I took any photos when we got it.

Phew that took a bit of orchestrating but it was worth it! I’m holding a giant bone to get them to sit like this 🤣

I managed to break the old bench last week when I was working from home…. A slat broke underneath me 🤦🏻‍♀️

So this one is highly recommended. It came from Robert Dyas on line and was only £147 delivered. It’s pretty chunky so I’m really impressed with it.

I’m sitting on it now in the sunshine and I’ve just spent the last 5 minutes trying to get a photo of a bee 🐝 on the plant next to me.

I managed to get it hovering above the flower. My mum will laugh at this as I’ve always been terrified of bees and wasps since I was stung around the age of 4. Just the sound of a buzz was enough to send me running. Oh how things have changed.

The weather has been a game of two halves today. When the sun is out it almost feels hot. The minute it goes behind a cloud…. Freezing!

Every now and then I have to share my bench!

And she is very, very hairy right now. We’re back to moulting season again.

So I had two dog walks this morning… started off sunny and ended up freezing!

Lovely sunshine like yesterday!

Out with Calaidh and Bhruic as Freya has a sore leg and needs to rest. She’s limping quite badly and has been for a few days now.

They had lots of fun in the burn again.

Keek!

Then the clouds started to move in.

This next photo is taken in the same place as the first sunny photo. What a difference our weather makes.

I got home and took Freya out for a short walk on the lead. These daffies looked lovely.

Come on mum we can walk faster than this she says….

It’s no fun when I can’t get a run off the lead…

So the rest of the day has been spent painting. I am now covered in paint and dog hair. Attractive much.

So in other good news Mr A tested negative today! He told me it was positive first thing and then checked again a while later and it was actually negative. So finally things will return to normal.

In other good news this is the first weekend in a long time that I feel calm. I don’t feel anxious at all.

I did wake up worrying about work but that passed when I got up.

I’ve put no expectations on myself this weekend. Anything I did that wasn’t nothing was a bonus. Finishing the kitchen was a huge bonus!!

So another quiet night for us. Last night in covid jail for oor Craigie but to be fair it’s always a quiet night these days.

Just how I like it!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

This is another one of those days you don’t need to read the blog as it’s all in the title. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

It’s another freezing cold day and I slept like a log last night. When the alarm went off I got a fright and I was not ready to get up at all…. I could do easily have turned over…. But I didn’t. I got up, the house was freezing but nothing prepared me for the icy blast outside. Wow.

We actually exercised out in that! I lay down on the frosty astroturf at 6.10am this morning when most folk were still in bed. The funny thing is I felt very lucky to be a part of it this morning rather than annoyed I was having to.

As the sun rose it really was beautiful.

So many power lines in my photos… 🤦🏻‍♀️

We get to workout in the loveliest of surroundings and before we even have time to think about it. I worked hard this morning, got some great feedback too.

We have another Hyrox event next weekend so hope I have done enough to improve my times.

So back home and straight out with the dogs…. Some really strange clouds over the village hall!

More importantly I have forgotten to discuss this during my rambling….. what the actual is this all about?!?

It would appear we are now living in an Avian Influenza Protection Zone. 😳

I MEAN… WHAT NEXT?

Zombie apocalypse? Alien invasion?

I guess I should be grateful we are in the zone and not outside it… I mean those poor people who live outside the red road sign I’ve been driving past every night… are they not protected?!?!? Do they even need protecting?! Are they actually the lucky ones???

Anyway, back to the glorious dog walk in the freezing sun.

The sky is beautiful 🤩

I’ve had lots of lovely comments on my daffodil photos so I’ve taken lots this morning just to show how abundant they are.

They are all growing wild but must have been planted by someone at some point.

These ones all look a bit sad as they’ve been caught by the frost.

More power lines in this next one too….

We went into a field that had been muck sprayed the other day but it’s all frozen in. Frozen muck = no muck!! Spot the two white tails in the water.

The dogs had a great play about in the burn.

It’s so still.

Love the rainbow on this next one.

Heading back home now under said power lines 😆

Lots of white daffies here.

Bearing in mind it’s now only 8.45am 🤣🤣

I have a massage booked for 10am at Harmony in Beith. I popped into next door to check on their beautiful puss cats as they are getting some work done and the cats were feeling a bit unsettled. Just look at these handsome boys.

I love that they both looked away for this photo…. Shun the photographer!!

I got the wee one actually eating out of my hand!

So my massage was amazing. Back, neck and shoulders…. Bliss. I could have slept on the treatment bed! Norma worked wonders! I then popped into the little gift shop for a chat with my friend Gayle. Was lovely to see her too!

Covid boy had sent me a shopping list so off to the Co-op to stock up and finally back home. He’s still positive and feeling rotten.

Then….. poop scoop in the garden and hoovered the ground floor of the house. And then finally sat down. It’s 2pm! We sat outside at the fire pit for a bit but it got cold again so came in to watch a movie….. AND fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours!!!

Check this size of this fire!

So I’m still feeling pretty rotten too. The cold is just not shifting but I’m still working out at the gym because I want to help improve my mood. Without it I’d just be sleeping and eating. 😬

Hope you all have a great weekend and Covid boy is hoping for a negative soon. 🎞

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It is freezing today!!! Absolutely freezing.

There was snow on the roof last night.

I didn’t expect to see more snow overnight.

It wasn’t much but considering we were in shorts the other day… this feels so cold. The next photo is from inside Abbie the Campervan.

The sunrise was promising.

But the daffodils were really sad today…. They were so cold, the frost had got to them.

To be honest I have felt a little bit like these daffodils today.

I am so tired but we have been super busy again at work. It was a good day but I felt really rushed and I’ve walked out tonight for the weekend thinking I need to work tomorrow… but I can’t.

I just have to remember everything I still have to do, when I get in on Monday. My anxious brain doesn’t like that at all…. I need to leave with everything under control. I didn’t feel like I did that tonight.

Covid boy is still not feeling great but sat outside today with a campfire. At times today it was so warm and then at other it was either hailstones or snowing!

I’m going to have an early night again tonight. What’s new eh? Covid has really word us out but everyone I speak to says they same thing.

Sorry it’s a quickie tonight…. 😘🥰

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It was sooooo cold today. As we’ve become so used to the sun we take it ill out when it gets cold again.

It was a cold and frosty morning on the way to the Farm at 5.30am.

It was another great workout today. I managed it all which still surprises me as I do feel quite rotten with the cold. It’s all in my head and not into my chest which is good. I guess although I’m COVID negative, I still have the remnants of the virus. A lot of people have said they struggled with fatigue afterwards.

Cool sky when I left and the daffodils on the drive way are in full bloom.

I can’t believe that in between some sunny spells we have actually had snow flurries today. It’s snowing now at 8pm. It’s not lying…

I was soooooooooooooo busy at work today. I never got a minute. We had customers in all day and I worked till 5.

This is me outside in a snow flurry! Just to prove it. Yesterday I sat out on a deckchair to eat lunch and today…. Baltic!!

I’m honestly shattered tonight. I feel really wiped out.

I’ve had to skip the fun chat with the Crochet Hookers tonight as I don’t feel I should be mixing with too many people while Craig is still COVID positive.

I’m in my jammies on the couch with a huge fire going to keep us warm. I won’t be late in bed.

A few of us were saying today that we could with another lockdown… we’re struggling to live life at the pace it seems to be at just now.

Maybe we all got used to it being slower and now it’s picking up the pace as we get closer to reality.

So here’s a big hug to everyone who’s struggling with with something just now. Life can be hard at times and we get hit from left field when we least expect it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So I have very little to report today. I’ve been at work all day and have felt pretty rotten, it’s like the cold has come back.

I’ve had two lemsips through the day to try and help clear my blocked nose. They do help and make me feel a bit better.

I woke at 3am and felt like my heart was beating out my chest…. May have consumed some caffeine before I went to bed uh oh…. I had a can of alcohol free rum and Coke. It was really nice…. Note to self… you were totally right when you knew you shouldn’t have caffeine in the evening. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I lay awake for about an hour and then fell into a deep sleep despite Mr Snorey McCovidson next to me. Jeezo man…. He said this morning he got a good sleep because I didn’t snore. Oh good that’s alright then. 😳

So work was busy and I feel like I didn’t get a minute to regroup. I left with a big list of things still to do but I’ll get on it first thing.

So I was late leaving and when I got home I had to take the dogs out. I couldn’t cope with all 3 at once so did Calaidh and Freya first. Here are some photos!

It’s only 5.30pm and the sky is really dark. We’ve had nothing but blue sky now for weeks….

I then went home to pick up Bhru… I’m so tired but I can’t leave her out.

We walked into the woods with the old limekilns.

She heard a noise…. Did not spook me at all… nope…. 😳😱

I had one step to go to get in the front door and a huge rain drop hit me! It’s much cooler tonight. It was chilly on our walk.

I’m home now. It’s raining for the first time in weeks.

Craig had made a lovely pesto pasta while I was out. I have my feet up now and I’m not moving!

He’s feeling pretty rotten, has a bad cold and is breathless but he says he’ll live.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

On the 28th March 2010 I married my soulmate.

We reckon that within a week we knew that we were meant to be together. Check how young he looks!!

Despite all the difficulties that marriage throws you, we know we are meant to be together and we’ve survived this long without burying each other under the patio, so I think we will last.

You all know he’s a good ‘un….. he’s the most generous and kind hearted person and he’ll do anything for anyone.

He bought me this lovely silk bracelet with 2010 on the heart and a J & a C.

For the first time I’ve thought my skin looks really old…. 😱 oh well….

About 11am today he’s about to go out to a job when he realises he hasn’t checked his lateral flow test. Just as well he did as it’s POSITIVE!!

To be fair he’s been loaded with the cold for a few days now so it makes complete sense that he has it… just 3 days after I lose it!

It’s so much easier this time as I am apparently immune so he doesn’t have to distance from me. I’ll just have to be careful not to pass anything when I’m out.

Sunrise was beautiful at the Fit Body Farm this morning.

I am back.

It actually went surprisingly well. I managed more than I thought I would. Only had to take a minute’s breather during one of the exercises and other than that I was ok. Coach said I did good today. Teachers pet was very proud of that.

We actually did bleep tests today. The last time we did that I got to level 2.5 and this morning got up to level 4.8. I’m pretty proud of that. I am not a runner!

It was freezing at work this morning. I took a while to heat up and as soon as I was warm…. It was roasting. Another beautiful day but spent most of it in a portacabin instead of my outdoor office!

My concentration and focus was good. My anxiety was under control.

I have to say that today has been a pretty good day.

This time 12 years ago we were just about to start our first waltz… Michael Bublé’s Everything Click the link for a listen.

We danced and sang this to each other. Ahhh young love. 👰🏻‍♀️🤵🏻💍

We had no idea of the trials and tribulations we would face along the way. We’ve done what we said we would do… for better or worse and we’ve fought through the worst. We can drive each other completely insane and round the bend. But we knew then. And we know now. And we still do.

We even got each other the same card!

We’re sitting outside and starting to get eaten alive by midges…. So we’re heading in now.

Stay safe everyone ♥️💍♥️

Ooooh I’ve had the laziest day today.

So yeah today is Mothers Day or Mothering Sunday in the UK. Mum and Dad were meant to be coming over for lunch in the village pub but my COVID week put paid to that. Holly is running a lovely 3 course spread with a glass of fizz for £17.95 I think and it will be enough food to feed us until next year.

We cancelled our 2pm table as we didn’t know when I’d be COVID free but Craig and I are going to go in for 4.30pm and have an early dinner tonight. She said she still had some space.

I didn’t even send her card as it seemed unfair to send a potential COVID card through the post. I may have overthought that… We’ll catch up next weekend instead… maybe in the snow this time?! 🤦🏻‍♀️♥️🤣 it is actually forecast for Wednesday here… this is why us Scots make the most of any ray of sunshine that could be potentially considered warm!

So back to the rest of the day….

I’ll be honest I didn’t want to wake up and face today as I know I’m back to reality tomorrow and my anxiety took off running with things that could go wrong when I get back out there. It felt safer to pretend I was still asleep…. Yes I’m pretending to myself…. rather than see what time it was.

Of course the clocks went forward for us last night so British summer time begins today and once again the weather has kindly played ball. It is indeed a very summery summers day… in March… but it meant that I was of course, later than I expected it to be.

So I’ve done very little so far today. I’m still not feeling great and making the most of the sun in the garden. I wanted to do so much today… I “thought” I should do so much today… I see the sun and feel I should be out in it…. By the sea, living life, taking photos and seizing the day. But I am tired.

It’s no wonder we’re tired when we can overthink so much. “Worrying about the day we never saw” is what my Gran used to call it.

I’m drawn to a balancing crystal that I bought a while back. Now I know this is where I will lose some of you but hey… I’m saying it anyway. The Meridian Energy Balancing crystal has worked for me in the past. You pop it into your bra so you’re “wearing” it and it honestly takes the anxiety waves away almost immediately. It allows me to listen to my gut rather than the anxiety in my head which screams all the “what if’s”….. whether it’s mumbo jumbo or not it works for me and that’s all that matters. I am calm.

We cut back some ivy earlier….

The royal we…… 🤣 actually I did pull stuff out from the ground up!

I brought out a free standing bathroom shelf out and cleared that.

Mostly I have done absolutely nothing but sit in the sun as that is what I need today. Another day of recharging the batteries.

I love this array of daffies that have come through this week. On Monday they were still tight buds.

The dogs are loving the sun and in and out of the shade.

Had a wee nap lying on a blanket on the grass. The pub is busy and there’s lots of people in the beer garden so we’ve moved down to the bottom of the garden and I’m now in the hammock just swinging around in the sun.

Relaxing under this beautiful tree.

With this beautiful view.

We had a huge and amazing meal in the pub tonight. Was so nice to see people again.

I got a lovely card and flowers from the kids. Holly has done that every year for me and every year I forget and it’s a lovely surprise!

We had crab and salmon to start, Smoked Haddock in a creamy cheese sauce for mains and millionaires cheesecake for dessert.

Then had a lovely FaceTime with mum and dad while we’re sitting out in the garden again. It will be light until 7.45 pm tonight…. Definitely feels like summer is coming!!

So… back to reality tomorrow. Everyone is saying to take it easy as the fatigue is the worst. Just have to see how it goes!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

My second negative… finally free to go out into the big wide world! Of course I took the dogs for a walk….

I can fully think I look better than I feel. I’m surprised to see just how shaky I am. I feel really lightheaded, a bit dizzy and my legs are like jelly but I take it really easy and let the puppers take the strain up the hill.

It’s only been a week but everything seems so different. The ground is really dry and the daffies are blooming everywhere. I don’t mean they are blooming everywhere but blooming… everywhere.

It’s such a beautiful day. It’s not even 9am and I would go so far as to say it was hot. Remember us Scot’s have taps aff in the early teens centigrade as we think it might be summer and we might never see it again.

Who knew there was a weather forecast at Taps-aff.co.uk 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣🤗😆☀️☀️☀️

The forecast today is apparently for taps-oan which I wholeheartedly disagree with. Today is most definitely taps aff.

Anyway back to my shaky walk. It’s beautiful.

We are so lucky to have all of this on our doorstep and even more so when we are actually allowed to step OUT over said doorstep!

There’s not a cloud in the sky and only the lightest breeze occasionally.

Dragging me up the hill.

Knackered after a big run in the fields with Freya.

There was a huge wildfire on the side of Ben Lomond this week started by a discarded cigarette. I can now see why as the ground seems so dusty and dry even after such a wet February.

Despite COVID, March had come in like a lamb and is going out like a lamb so is my favourite month of the year so far.

So back home to drop off Bhruic and Freya and pick up Calaidh.

We’re off to Mocha JaKs for breakfast this morning…. Standing joke in our family when I was wee…. “Well you’re obviously feeling better then?!” Appetite, my dears, had never been an issue. Least I can taste most things again now.

We sat outside in Mocha JaKs and the first thing they do is bring Calaidh a bowl of water. She laps it up.

I have to fess up and say for the first time ever I ordered a Puppacino…. Yip….I succumbed to marketing… and Calaidh, who’s on a diet as she’s a bit too overweight… got a small cup of whipped cream and she was IN HER ELEMENT. She lapped it up.

I overindulged in Biscoff pancakes with a coconut milk latte.

I did remember to ask for Decaf and they didn’t have any….. caffeine it is. I’m sure I will survive!

The pancakes were beautiful and I only managed two. 🥰

I took Calaidh for a run round Spiers School Ground on the way home. Everything looks so stunning on a sunny day. I’m tired but I just take it slowly and I think it’s good to be getting some exercise.

The sun light is stunning through the woods.

The paths we walk so often seem so different today.

There are daffies all around the School’s war memorial.

This white daffie is looking downwards. It seems sad.

Calaidh is having a great sniff around.

These wee orange daffies were right out there!

The Japanese redwood has some kind of memorial Angel attached to it.

It’s such a lovely walk. My legs feel a bit stronger now. Maybe that’s the sugar rush from the pancakes?! 🤣

I thought this holly looked really lovely in the bright sunlight. We usually equate it to Christmas but this was sunshine holly instead!

Here she comes.

We saw a lovely new bench that’s been built at the side of the road. It’s in lovely bright colours. A great place for folk to stop and sit as they walk the Beith to Gateside loop. The old painted bench that was there has been removed.

I let her off lead again and into the burn so she could cool down. She just stands there….. as usual. She went to sit down at one point and stood straight back up again… guess it was too cold?!

I love that I could see right through the bridge.

There’s a huge dandelion growing too. I used to discard them as weeds and now see the beauty in everything. This next photo is right behind me. Old dry reed grasses.

And across the road….

More daffies on the way home.

These next ones have still to bloom, sure it won’t be long.

Think this is the tree my friend Evelyn has asked me about. She drives along the road looking for it. Made me think of her this morning.

So it’s not even 12.25, I’m sitting in Grans chair in the back garden writing this and I’m going to read a book I started the other day. I’ve not read a book in what feels like a long time.

Fast forward to 3.30pm and I have literally sat here all afternoon reading. I couldn’t put it down.

It’s been hot all day and as much as I want to be out and about down at the coast, I know I’m tired so I’m just gonna take it easy with my feet up in the sun and an alcohol free Birra Moretti.

Also my toenail polish matches my flip flops 🩴 😆

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

COVID wise that is….. and mood wise I am finally more positive than negative. 🥰

Not gonna lie I’ve been getting them all mixed up again today. Messaged a few people today to tell them I tested positive when actually I finally tested negative this morning.

I came through from the bedroom for a big long hug! It felt soooo good. Free movement around the house is a game changer too. I can cope with not going out and being in isolation in the house but I really struggled with the restricted movement when I was positive and Craig still negative.

I’ve always craved isolation as crazy at that might sound. Some days just to chill and relax and do nothing. Yet the reality was so very different. Of course first of all you’re not feeling great…

Try as I might I couldn’t get my head into a relaxed space. I was agitated, irritable, cranky and very tired. I was irked that there were rules that I had to follow rather than just accepting what was. My reaction was one of stress….. in hindsight I needing grounding and brought back down to earth from the orbit I was existing in. You try to be so ridiculously careful with everything. I guess it’s not ridiculous but it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Treating yourself as a risk to other people is a very strange feeling.

I’ll always caveat it all by saying that I continually thought about those who had it worse than me. The fear of a real COVID-19 illness and the solitude must have been terrifying. I think back to all those news reports we watched so avidly in the beginning…. Those poor people. All the doctors and nurses and key workers equally terrified but trying so hard not to catch it while keeping others alive.

Mine was nothing. A bad head cold which moved on way more quickly than a head cold usually would. An intermittent hacking cough which wasn’t even sore.

I was always worried about the vaccination and yet I’m so glad I’ve had them all. I’m so glad my friends and loved ones have.

Anyway…..

Another great sleep last night. To be fair I think I was in bed from the back of 4 yesterday afternoon. Clean sheets an’ all that! Plus it was much cooler outside so I couldn’t sit outside.

I started watching Pieces of Me on Netflix which seems really good. Actually my thoughts now turn to our newly formed unity… when do I watch the rest of my show?! I know… I made myself smile with that one! 😆

I feel a new lease of life today. I’m still a bit lightheaded but I’ve cleaned the kitchen, both bathrooms and the living room already.

I’ve loaded the dishwasher and done a couple of washings. It feels so good just to catch up on it all. The negative head has gone replaced with Mrs positivity…. A can do attitude.

Craig’s off work today and has pressure washed our artificial grass. The garden looks amazing.

Having 3 Border Collies meant our natural grass was always in quagmire status but the artificial grass does need washing down.

It looks soooo clean without bits of wood, tree or dog toys all over it!

Bhru’s gonna shake this dog toy all over the place…..

Calaidh’s always ready with the ball ⚽️

And Freya found a bone in the great garden clean up!

We’re all outside in the fresh air. it’s beautiful here today.

The weather has been amazing all week and I’ve been so lucky to be outside in it.

Oh and Craig has a cold………. 🤧🤒😷

Let’s watch this space.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

I had another amazing sleep…. From sometime after 8pm last night right through until 5.30am this morning and then snoozed until after 7.

I’m coughing in my sleep but that’s all, I roll over and back to sleep.

I tested positive again today… not gonna lie, I burst into tears dramatically at that. I really expected to be negative today. My symptoms have passed quickly, I still have a cold but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was at the start of the week.

So once again I’m feeling really sorry for myself instead of focusing on the upsides. (Trying to stay away from the positives and negatives 🤣) I feel completely wiped out yet I’m annoyed by it. I want to shake it off, clear the fog and yet I can’t seem to.

I took some photos of the lovely daffodils growing in the garden today.

They are just so perfect. 🌼

My brother sent me photos of some Highland Cows he saw this morning on his walk. They made me smile.

Aren’t they beautiful 🤩

I’ve been working again today. Still mostly outside though I did have to move into the bedroom before lunch today as it got cold.

It’s been hard to focus and to concentrate and almost impossible to remember anything!!

It seems my body really tells me when it’s not happy with what I’m doing. I’ve been so antsy and irritable all day. My skin has literally crawled with irritation and I’ve been having tantrums in my head all day.

Craig suggested I wash the bedding today and clean round the room so I had a fresh room to head into tonight and I have to say it was a great idea.

I’ve clean sheets on, I’ve dusted and polished and I’m now in bed with the electric blanket on.

And finally I am calm.

I’m am doing what I want to do and what I need to do. Resting…. Doing nothing. Just being.

I have Bhruic cuddled into my side.

Puppy love 💕

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I slept really well again last night, that sleep of the exhausted. I had Calaidh and Freya in with me and Freya snored something shocking at times. 🤣

Must have been all the excitement from yesterday. I caught her guarding a dead rat in the garden yesterday….. I can’t believe I forgot to mention it.

My l’il puppy baby may have killed a rat….. breaks my heart!

Something caught my eye at her paws and I couldn’t place what it was….. you can imagine the dance I did when I realised…. The heebie jeebie dance.

It would appear it takes a dead rat to give me the heebie jeebies. Even just typing these words I feel it all over again!

So I call my neighbour Holly who kept rats as a kid apparently. She has no fear. She suggested I got it onto a shovel and into a bin bag.

Ok just give me a minute…… to compose myself.

Her daughter watched me through their window and gave them all a running commentary on the disposal… happy to provide the humour. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I am not gonna lie…. It was horrific. Honestly just everything you can imagine… but I did it all by myself and I didn’t even scream… I just shivered and danced from foot to foot on several occasions.

By the time I was done my heart rate was up at 80 and I was so breathless.

I had to have a seat. 🤣

So, I tested positive again this morning.

We’re back to the throat and nose swabs again today and it almost made me sick. not sure why North Ayrshire only have a stock of the throat ones? The nose ones are way les offensive!!

I then messaged work, mum & dad, in-laws etc and told them I was still negative! 🤔🥴🙄

I told work I was feeling a bit better and the reply was “that’s positive”….. yeah I thought it was a step in the right direction too….

Then I clicked. The test is positive…. Not “still negative”…. Yup do not take my word for anything much today. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Craig and I had breakfast in the garden again…. Garlic mushrooms on toast a la Craigie before 7.30am. The sky was lovely. so were the garlic mushrooms!

It’s milder today too. There was no frost on the grass.

I’ve had the desk and laptop set up outside as I can’t bring myself to work in that dark, stuffy bedroom. I add jumpers and blankets when I’m cold and remove them when the sun comes out.

I reach a point where I just need to shut my eyes and lie down. I did it this morning and again this afternoon but I’ve managed more than I did yesterday so every day is an improvement.

I do have a real lethargy today. I’m tired and want to sleep but I’m bored of feeling tired but too tired to bother doing anything. The struggle is real.

I will look back on this and think of all the things I could have done instead of sit here whinging about being tired.

I think I’ll shake it up a bit tomorrow and try a bit less of the self pity and lethargy… but for now I’m sitting in the sun with my blanket wrapped round me, drinking alcohol free gin and tonic.

That sounds not too bad at all.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I wrote most of this last night which is just as well as I feel I’ve been wiped out today…..

On Friday 20th March 2020 the UK Government announced that all pubs, restaurants, gyms and other social venues were to close and here in Scotland we entered our first COVID-19 lockdown.

None of us knew what to expect, none of us knew what was coming. We were all pretty apprehensive but I also remember being caught up in the drama of something that big happening in our crazy, busy world.

I had just been made redundant on 28th February 2020…. Or indeed my position was made redundant, certainly not helped by the fact I had been off sick with anxiety and depression since Monday 3rd September 2018… (5 months of that spent back at work trying to get back into it but that’s another story).

What are the chances I test positive for COVID exactly 2 years to that date?!? I have just figured that out! Two years spent taking so many precautions, masks, hand gel, hand washing and avoiding it like the plague. (At least that’s saying makes relevant sense in our lifetime!)

I’m so caught up in the actual catching it part that I hadn’t realised the significance of the date.

2 years ago our local Beith Townhouse asked people to keep a record of our lives during covid times…. I also knew the benefits of journaling for mental health and I was keen to put “pen” to “paper”…. not sure that saying stands the rest of time. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

So here I am…. I’ve written this blog almost every day now for almost 2 years. I’ve been on the most amazing journey through some extreme sadness but also some of the happiest times finding me again.

But this is mostly me today….

My version of COVID seems to be nothing compared to so many millions of people in the world. It’s a bad head cold with loss of taste and smell.

The cold is even moving on today. I have tiny snippets of taste and smell. I’m just shattered.

Craig bought me real velvety tissues yesterday… luxury and some Vicks Vaporub. I couldn’t even remotely smell it yet this morning I got a teeny glimpse of a whiff! (Is that even English?!)

Today has gone soooooo fast. It feels like seconds ago since I woke up.

I slept really well last night, I woke a few times but rolled straight back over. I feel an exhaustion that is difficult to wake up from.

I met Craigie out in the garden for coffee and bacon rolls, could smell the bacon cooking but couldn’t taste it. Our lovely morning rendezvous. I can’t believe how much I miss him. Never happy some folks eh?!

We’re conducting this strange merry dance around the house just now. We sat out until 8pm last night when he came home from work just so we could have some company. I was wrapped in a big blanket to keep me warm. We both got cold and had to say Goodnight and scurry back into our respective “cells”… and please as I write about this, don’t think for one minute that I don’t know how lucky we are and how much worse it could be. That’s on my mind all the time when I’m feeling sad about it.

I’m struggling being confined to one room and the garden. I’m tearful, sad and feel extremely vulnerable. I’m almost disappointed when he tests negative again this morning as we have to continue with this isolation. That’s awful isn’t it.

I had my first shower today and had to clean the bathroom behind me. It felt so good to be fresh and clean but I was knackered after that.

So today my work ran my laptop and phone up to the house. It didn’t arrive until about 10.30 and I’ve been trying to focus on work ever since. I feel confused in my thoughts and struggle to think straight but hey…. This is our busiest week of the year so far and they need my help. I can’t remember anything about last week at all at the moment let alone what we’re trying to achieve this week.

I’m trying to balance the laptop on my knee in Gran’s recliner chair while the dogs bound about and bark when I’m on calls, then the door goes and I can’t answer that but the dogs do…. Then the phones ringing. By 3.30pm I had to lie down for a sleep.

Yesterday I made myself way too many rules…. I was only allowing myself to go from the bedroom to the toilet and out the office door to the garden.

It meant I didn’t really eat much yesterday so that was a bit daft. Today I’ve just had to use the shower, the kitchen and it is what it is.

So that’s another day in the life. I get to test in the morning and if I’m negative tomorrow and Thursday I can go back to the office Thursday. My father in law called on his way home from work and said his sister tested positive for 15 days…… 15 ?!? I must have the patience of a gnat as I’ve only been in isolation for 2 and a bit and I’m climbing the walls.

This makes me giggle as it totally sums up how I feel but… it could be so, so, so much worse.

Mum and Dad just suggested using Abbie the Campervan as a makeshift office… hmmm they might be on to something for tomorrow.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s 2.23 am and I’ve been awake for an hour. I went to bed at 8pm and slept right through until 1.23am. To be fair I think it was Calaidh who woke me as she is still in the room with me.

I woke in a sweat, the bed is soaking but that can happen to me on a normal day. The joys of my age 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣.

I can’t breathe through my nose at all. My Lemsip Max Cold & Flu tablets aren’t touching it.

Auntie Jac recommended the old bowl of steaming hot water and a towel over my head. I tried this just before bed last night.

And yes…. I even tried a selfie 🤳 🤣

I don’t feel like any of it got through but I’m sure I won’t have any blackheads as jeez that was a baptism of hot steam.

I’m ramming a big tube of Deep Heat up my nose and nothing….. not even the faintest whiff of what is one of the strongest smells.

So all that said I think the steam sniffing is the reason I got a good 5 hours sleep.

It’s hard not to overthink in the wee small hours. My symptoms might not be very pleasant right now but what about all those people that couldn’t breathe and were completely alone, totally isolated from their loved ones. The ones who died alone and the ones who couldn’t be with them when they died. It’s horrific to even imagine that world and yet so many people went through it. COVID-19 has forced a separation on us all that up until now I thought I enjoyed but when you stop and think, it’s so very sad.

Now regular readers will know that I crave solitude. I love me some quiet alone time. Hell I’ve even wished for an isolation period so that I can just take some steps back and rest.

And here I am, starting a paragraph with “and”….. it’s not as much fun as it sounds. It feels a bit scary, I feel very vulnerable, I feel very alone with my thoughts.

It’s not even been 24 hours yet and I actually miss Craig. I normally love a night he may have fallen asleep on the couch and I get the bed to myself. Tonight it just feels quite lonely.

I sat outside until after 6pm yesterday. I had messaged the pub next door and for dinner delivered. The Chicken Enchilada is super spicy and I could only tell that by the sensation on my lips and in my throat. The taste buds in my mouth give me nothing at all.

I have zero sense of taste or smell so far. My sinuses are sore and not shifting, my eyes were sore but have benefited from some sleep and my cough is sore but, thankfully, only sporadic. It’s not like a normal cold and flu cough. It’s chesty and deep but there’s a croak at the end of it that seems to take away the satisfaction of a good (mucus moving) cough. Sorry mucus should never be used in a sentence.

Calaidh staying clear last night! 🤣

I’ve been writing for 20 minutes now so I’ll try to get some more sleep now.

I went back to sleep just before 3am and of course was woken by the Fit Body Farm 5am alarm and then the 5.10am snooze…. 🤦🏻‍♀️ but I slept right through until 7 which is fine by me.

Craig and I met for coffee at opposite sides of the garden. He says I’m shut out the house. 🦠😷

The fresh air is a welcome relief. I opened the window in the bedroom too.

So for everyone who’s had this, I’m preaching to the converted but it’s the hardest thing in the world to figure out how to manage everything. I’ve just been presented with my own bin bag, I’m wearing a buff as I walk to the bathroom, I have my own hand sanitiser and a mini Fabulosa disinfectant. All of these things thought of this morning and I’ve probably infected the rest of the house already.

Craig is testing negative again this morning so we have to keep up this strange new way of living.

I went back to bed after 9 and slept until 11.30am with the electric blanket and fleecy jammies on so was super cosy. I’m back outside in Gran’s recliner chair. I’m much more tired today. Wabbit.

I’m not hungry (which is no bad thing) and just want to sleep.

The sun feels lovely on my suntan lotioned skin. That was an effort in itself but it feels so much nicer to be outside that cooped up in the bedroom.

I’m now carrying around a plastic bag around with me. It has the toilet roll for my nose because of course, we have run out of tissues, my hand sanitiser, my mini disinfectant, my water, my bin bag, my book and my cold and flu tablets. Means nothing is left lying loose for Craig I know I’m maybe overthinking it but it lets me move around and I’m happier that way.

He got my beanie hat and my chapstick from the van and those two items are a game changer to my day. Simple things eh?!

It’s hazy today but that makes it feel a bit warmer in my sun trap.

So since then it clouded right over so I’ve come inside to the sun room, I’m wrapped up and have all the doors wide open but it’s getting cooler. I’ve honestly done nothing to do but sleep and stare into space really. 🤨🥴 I’m shattered and that is ok.

So at 3.35pm I’m back in bed. The blanket’s on so I’m heatng back up. Another wee nap I think.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Bhru and I are up and at it early!

I’m getting new diesel heater fitted in Abbie the camper van and Graham at work has kindly agreed to fit it in a Saturday for me.

I was awake at 6am and down to Tartan HQ just before 8.

I’m walking Bhru to start getting the mileage up as we’re taking part in the Wolf Pack 100 today with the Fit Body Farm. In our teams we have to achieve 100kms over this weekend.

It’s a beautiful morning!

Bhru is living her best life!

We did a lovely walk which doesn’t look very exciting on the app but I’m already 5.5K into my day.

We walked towards Dundonald Castle… looking particularly splendid on its perch on the hill in the sunshine.

The flag is barely moving as there’s no breeze.

Some beautiful daffies! I’m so glad I got a photo of them as some years I miss the daffies altogether.

We then walked down onto the Smugglers Trail in Dundonald.

It’s a beautiful walk on a beautiful day.

Now Bhruic and I did a minuscule tiny bit of this today but it was lovely so I’d highly recommend it. So atmospheric!

The Dundonald Burn was really noisy in the still of the morning.

The landscape is enchanting. All the rocks covered in thick green moss.

We turned off the path to get back to Tartan and Bhru had a big run in this field.

It’s warm in the sun already.

A flock of geese noisily fly over… a sign that spring is definitely on the way.

I wish I’d recorded them as the noise was incredible. Back to Tartan HQ to catch Abbie on the ramps!

So I sat outside for a wee bit and tried to stretch off my knee as it’s been really sore on that walk.

The rest has done it good. I’m gonna be too late back to get to the Farm on time so Craig is going on his own and I’ll get him there.

Of course there are kisses from Bhru!

I felt awful that it took the poor guy 4 hours of his own time to put a new diesel heater in. I ended up being late to the Wolf Pack 100 but that’s ok. Plans can be changed.

I was back home for 12.30 and out to the Fit Body Farm for just after 1pm. Thankfully I’d already done my 5.5km.

Craigie in Team Courage action on the Ski-erg putting in some km’s.

Team Avery on the rowing machines… I love that I am blurry. my photographer was in portrait mode!

Looking over the Arran while watching guys on the assault course.

Craig was out catching go-pro footage of the guys in action. I just have photos of him and none of the guys doing the obstacle course race! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Heading off on another 4 laps of the garden!

Action shots… it always amazes me how lovely the Farm is. We are so lucky to be able to workout here in such stunning surroundings.

Then onto the ski-erg.

So I’ve managed 10k today…. 5.5K walking, 3k running, 1k on the rowing machine and 1k on the ski-erg.

It turns out we only needed to do 7.5km each for Team Courage but I wanted to do 10km and I’m glad I did!

It’s been a good day. I do have the cold now but my head’s in a great place so that’s good.

Sunshine, exercise and a diesel heater. What’s not to love! 😂♥️S

Stay safe everyone 💛💛💛

For 3am read 4am…..

It’s now 4.50am and I need to plan the Farm shower so be as well getting up now since I have work today.

Always chose kindness. ♥️

Oh and this next one is what I need work on…. Mastering things I cannot control instead of erupting. Hmmmm…

And now a giggle…. Sadly still so very true 🤣🤣

Yet I need to be this.

Perfectly imperfect but 100% dedicated to trying to accept me for who I am.

I guess the key here is not to try to surrender but just to surrender. Yeah I know….. I need to remember this when something doesn’t go to the law according to Julie. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

Check the moon at 5.30am and it’s almost light on the drive to the Farm!

The Farm was great again this morning. It was hard work! We worked together in Team Avery and I’m sore already. Always makes me laugh when we do a thing called Sled Pull which is kinda exactly as it sounds… we pull a heavy sled down the gym and push it back up….. Craig is sooooo fast at it. His sled goes fleeing past mine every time and it’s got almost double the weight!!

I could hardly breathe and he’s wheeching his up and down the gym!

It was lovely when I left.

Check this wee guy that watched me getting into the van… the colours are amazing. I love that I assume it’s male?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

So work was busy again today but it was a beautiful day! Blue sky and sunshine all day. The portacabin got a wee bit too hot. I feel much better organised after working another day this week. I didn’t leave the place in a mess like I would have yesterday.

It’s such a lovely evening when I leave work that I think of heading to the sea… but I’m not feeling great. First of all there was the 4am start so I am tired but I’ve just done a COVID test and it’s negative.

I have a really husky throat and my ears feel sore. To be fair I work next to a girl who’s had tonsillitis and an ear infection but she’s tested negative throughout so guess it might just be that.

Claire popped up at the fence in the garden and asked if I fancied doing something but I’m really feeling too tired. It’s such a shame as it would have been nice and we would have had a lovely time.

We’ve also got a big event at the Farm tomorrow so I need to get some energy back before them.

It’s going to be 16C up here tomorrow…. I mean come on… that’s like our summer!

It also a lovely evening though cold now the sun is going down.

My head’s been good today thankfully.

Jammies on, waiting on dinner cooking and a quiet evening.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

First of all the sky was amazing last night when I let the dogs out before bed. So clear and Orion’s Belt was beaming out the sky!

Which meant I shouldn’t have been surprised that Abbie the camper van was super frosty this morning. I had to leave her running for a good bit but it gave a lovely sunrise, frosty windscreen photo!

Morning on St Patrick’s Day ☘️

This makes me laugh every year…. We’re still Scottish!

Oh wow now if only I was waking up to that sunshine and beach…. Now that would be nice!

Anyhow, back to reality…

I was in work for 7.15am to meet with a customer at 7.30…. I was frozen to the bone after we’d spoken for an hour. I couldn’t get my hands to work to write the notes!! I was still wearing a woolly buff and fingerless gloves at 10am!

We had good day at work and we got through everything as planned. There were a few hiccups which made me wobble a bit.

By huiccups I mean things that didn’t go according to the law of Julie of course. And that is some law…… 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now one thing I want to talk about was raised by a fellow blogger recently and I’ve not had time to reply to her blog… since something similar happened to me today it’s made me really think about it.

Why is it that people can cut you with their words. She had a blog reply that belittled the issue she discussed. Shocking and I can only say that comes from a very negative person that wallows in her own self pity and doesn’t support others. Keep your blogging chin up Bossy Babe ♥️

I received an email from a supplier that I can only describe as a “nippy sweetie”.

Most definitely the 2nd definition….

You call to place an order and you get told you have to email it… fair enough but in a very sharp-tongued/peevish way.

I email and then get a reply that says they can’t get it to us until Monday or Tuesday next week (usually deliver same day) and by the way, despite my (her) explanation on the call, we paid the wrong account recently, transferred payment to the wrong account that is. She gives me the correct bank details and says ensure you use these in the future. All fine despite her sharp tongue which came across in her email.

I grit my teeth and reply saying apologies for getting the wrong account but the emails I receive have the following (incorrect) account details on and that’s what I paid. Could she arrange to send me the correct invoice requests directly to me and I would ensure it was right moving forward.

Her reply was that my boss knows what to do and has done it right in the past so just do it right the next time!!!!

Except Mrs Nippy McNipperson… that we just paid it into the wrong account and you just gave me a row for it!!!!!

Now as I read all that back the sting is all gone and I realise it’s nothing but I am incensed when people just can’t be nice. She’s customer facing and yet everything is too much trouble for her.

She was stroppy on the phone about payment then we got it wrong so I try to rectify it and she basically says it doesn’t need fixing coz we know how to do it????

So my anxiety starts to build. My mind keeps coming back to her, I type several replies and delete them. I decide I’m going to call her….. I decide I probably shouldn’t.

Meanwhile it’s 3pm… I’m finishing in a hour and I have a huge workload to complete before 4pm. I can’t just walk away and “take a day off tomorrow”…

I’m so annoyed that I haven’t planned it better and yet as I type that I know that I have never stopped. There are so many customers in that just been a busy week.

I really struggle to type this but I did burst into tears when someone asked came to say goodbye as they were leaving. I’m so embarrassed by that. I’m angry at myself for letting it get to me that much. I hoped that girl had gone with the last job. She was a nightmare for a long time in the last one and cried at something every day. Is she back? Is this what I’ve become again? (Maybe talking about myself in the third person, I’m trying to distance myself from it).

Anyway, once I get over it and make the decision I’m working tomorrow I calm down. As quickly as that.

I can only describe what happened as an eruption of anxiety.

So I’m feeling ok this evening but I am beginning to question my progress. There seem to be a whole lot of tears these days over things that are not worthy of them.

Food for thought….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️