Well that interloper did well. I’ve had more likes and comments on his blog than any I have done 🤦🏻‍♀️😂😘

I may not hear the end of that. 😂

In all honesty, his words were amazing and it was so lovely to have a day off and listen to him stressing about “I have a blog to write” which sometimes seems to be my cracked record!!

I have had the loveliest of 50th birthdays.

I have been blown away by the kind words, posts, cards and gifts I have received. There have been floods of tears at times but then w you would expect nothing less. 😂

It all started on Wednesday night when the Crochet Hookers threw a surprise party for me in the pub! They had balloons and banners and a sloth cake!

They gave me a box of 50 gifts…. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I felt the bottom lip go early on. 😂

Here we all are. They are a very special bunch. I got a crocheted cushion, a crocheted sloth and so many other practical gifts including vitamin D and ibuprofen gel!!

They know me so well… I have already used so many of the gifts, that’s when you know it hit the mark. I don’t know I can ever thank them for such a special start to my big birthday.

I had the best day yesterday with Craig. His generosity knows no bounds, he’s so thoughtful and caring and he hasn’t actually annoyed me once in the last few days. That’s always a bonus. 😂

Mum and Dad sent some lovely messages and I definitely cried!

My brother sent a couple of pics too….

Awwwww bless….

Craig and I had a lovely lunch and I got a gingerbread latte with cream to finish. I forgot to ask for decaf 😂

He gave me a row for never looking at the camera. So I did….

Wee selfie on the way back to the car.

If you’d have told me I would have spent my 50th birthday not drinking, I would NEVER have believed you…. And yet I did…

We went to Holly’s next door for pre theatre drinks as we were heading to see the Beith Young Farmers Show. I got more lovely and generous gifts!

It was so lovely to see Holly’s daughter in the show. She was so vibrant, she was beaming and so focused on her every move. She did so well.

I was late in bed but woke up at 6.33pm having missed the Farm. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve been at the little gift shop today and got another lovely gift from the girls!

The shop had no heating today as there was a gas leak in the flat upstairs so I was prewarned. I wore my scarf and gloves a lot of the day. The heating came back on about 3.30 and it felt amazing.

Abbie the camper van has been back in the garage. She’s not fixed yet but I have her back until Monday. The on going saga!

I am shattered tonight. It’s 7.30pm already and so I won’t be late in bed tonight. I have my 50th party on the pub tomorrow. I am super apprehensive. I am worried there will be more tears.

On the other hand I am looking forward to seeing some people I haven’t see for a very long time.

Making special memories.

I might just need my big girl pants on. 😂

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s 3.59 and I am wide awake….. thanks to the caffeine coffee I stupidly drank yesterday. My heart is providing a big drum beat.

😳

Last day at work today!

We get up at 5am for the Farm and it’s a great workout today. I am buzzing and it feels good.

It was a lovely sunrise.

Half way through the workout I worry that I might meet the milk tanker on the single track roads from the Farm to work. Stop thinking about the milk tanker. Don’t think about the milk tanker. Stop it. Milk tanker. Milk tanker. Milk tanker.

Oh. my. god. we

I did not meet the milk tanker. Relief.

As much as I’ve made this sound like a joke, I was genuinely stressing about what would happen if I met it and I wasn’t in a passing place. Jeez….. the anxiety was bubbling inside of me to the point of panic.

The anxiety carried on this morning as I worried about how much I still had to do. I always want to make sure everything runs smoothly for everyone left behind. I try to preempt every eventuality which I will, of course, never accurately pre-empt.

I wrote a list for everything I had to do and worked through it until it was done. I wrote a handover note and actually there wasn’t that much on it so I relaxed.

Also everyone needs a puppy Peanut in the office. ♥️

I was just finishing up in work when a customer came in looking for a quote. 😬 My plan to escape at 4 was delayed slightly.

So that’s me on holiday now woo hoo!!

It’s the big 5-0 tomorrow 😳 so we’re going to have a guest blogger….. Oor Craigie is going to take the Rambling Sloth helm for the day to allow me to relax and enjoy the day.

I have a nail appointment booked in the morning and then we’re heading to a lovely tapas restaurant in Largs, for lunch. I’m then going out to the Beith Young Farmers Talent Spot show with Holly next door. Her daughter Louise is in the show for the first time! It’s a random 50th birthday night but I have a party on Saturday so I’ll celebrate more then.

So yeah…. Not gonna lie. I’m not remotely ready to turn 50. I still feel like I’m 30. I’m quite overwhelmed by it. With the thought that time is moving on too fast.

Yet I am entering my 50’s a completely different person from the one who entered her 40’s.

No longer living to work, working all the hours god sends and getting through the stress with wine.

No longer putting everyone before myself. No longer assuming that I don’t matter.

I will celebrate my 50th completely sober.

I can’t even believe that.

I’m living life at a much slower pace.

I have to feel every negative emotion without drowning it.

I live in the present moment as much as I can.

I am stunned by all the beauty around us. I never really stopped to look before.

I want to write everything down to understand how I’m feeling. It’s really helped me and I love writing the blog.

I want to take photos of everything and share them with as many people as possible.

I feel very grateful that I got to 50 as so many others do not. There was a time where I couldn’t even imagine what the next day might bring.

So to sum up I guess I’m loving the life we have made for ourselves and I’m just negotiating the wobbles along the way. The ups and downs of everyday life, that are no worse than everyone else’s. I need to remind myself of that more often.

I would like to thank everyone who reads my ramblings. It means so much to me that you would take the time to read what I have to say. I hope that by writing this, my story will help someone else.

Thank you from the bottom on my heart.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It just didn’t stop raining today. It was so dark all day. I ended up having music on at my desk to try and drown out the rain on the portacabin roof!

I never used to be able to work with music but we’ve been enjoying some Ibiza chill classics in the background in the last few weeks.

I got through loads at work. I’m finishing up for a break tomorrow night and not back until Monday 28th. No customers in today… No wonder to be fair, you wouldn’t go out in that unless you had to!

I went to my friend Gemma’s straight from work. She very kindly agreed to take up my trousers for my outfit at the weekend. She did a great job. I love them!

I was a bit spooked driving home. I’m really struggling to see in the dark…. Yeah ok, I hear myself.

The van is wobbling, it’s pouring, the windscreen is streaky and the headlights from on coming cars were blinding me. I wobbled at one point and jerked the steering wheel thinking I was heading in the wrong direction. I got a fright and was like driving Miss Daisy all the way home.

Craig has done an amazing job in the house today. He’s done all the housework and fixed the living room radiator, which was falling off the wall. It’s the best thing in the world to come home to a clean house.

He can stay….. 😆♥️

Incidentally, we have a Shark pet hoover and it has an anti-hair wrap function……. Look at the amount of hair I cut off the anti-hair wrap roller. Absolutely shocking. wouldn’t recommend it for anyone with pets.

My Gran’s Christmas cactus is blooming at the moment. Mum has a cutting from the same plant but her flowers are darker pink when they bloom.

It’s beautifully delicate and fragile.

It made me think of a lovely friend of mine recovering from a big operation. She loves delicate flowers. I sent her a few photos to let her know I thought of her every time I looked at it.

Dinner is in the oven. Chicken chuffed with garlic and herb cheese and wrapped in Parma ham. Least I could do… feeding the worker 😘

So that’s all from me I think. Only one more sleep till holidays.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I could have sooooo easily stayed in bed this morning and not gone to the Farm. I’m tired. But… I got out of bed and drove Abbie the wobbly Campervan to the gym.

It was a good one this morning and I ran with Linda a fair bit and she’s always there with a word of encouragement. There was a lot of running and I’ve already done 12,537 steps so far and it’s 6.50pm.

There was a lovely sunrise this morning with a dark red sky. It was a great way to start the day.

Work was super busy and we had customers in all day. That hasn’t happened for a while. I’ve not had much time to catch up on the everything else so I need to get that done tomorrow.

I headed to Tesco after work and that’s where it started to go a bit wrong.

I wandered about aimlessly with absolutely no idea. I don’t fancy eating anything. Nothing appeals to me. Does that make any sense?!? I find myself wandering and talking to myself as I go. 🫣 I can’t think straight as my mind clouds.… I buy some bits and bobs that come to £65 but I forget so many things.

I should say here that I don’t do a list because my mind empties at the thought of one….. I was looking for inspiration in the supermarket and well….. yeah that went well…. 😆

I have a lot of rules when I supermarket shop. I can’t just buy what I want. I always search for the cheapest options and don’t always end up with the best choices because I refuse to spend a certain amount for certain things. Weird that eh?!

So many of the shelves are empty. It’s actually quite sad that Brexit has brought us to this. Empty fruit and veg in particular.

Anyway…. I left Tesco after an hour and half… and headed for diesel. The station was busy. I chose the pump that said…. EXTRA LONG HOSE USE BOTH SIDES…. Nope not extra long enough. 😉

Had to reverse wobble van back out and pull into the correct side of the pump. The guy in the shop said that he reckons the extra long hoses are shorter than the last long hoses they had…. 😆

Back home and unpacked the shopping and started dinner. I’m flagging now. I feel like I’ve had to use up all my energy today and I would happily just sit with a bag of crisps… but I cook dinner and make some soup for lunch tomorrow.

I can’t quite put my finger of it but I’m antsy and restless.

This is a big week for me and I have a lot to do and so many things to fall in to place and I’m longing for my normality without any interruptions. Some people are just never happy eh?!

It’s nearly 8pm already and we’ve just finished dinner. I need to relax now and stop my mind from running through all the things that need doing.

I will make a list to get it out my head.

A few funnies to end. 😆

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

There is no wind, no sound, the birds have flown south yet we have a balmy 10°C forecast this morning. We’ve been outside since we got out of bed.

We may have regretted waking Cookie up this morning as she wouldn’t move, until we poked and prodded her 😬 and then her “kisses on the nose” were full blown Chihuahua licks all over the face!!! She sleeps under a blanket on the bed and gets herself all cooried in to it. Sooo cute.

We came outside into our newly pressure-washed garden and decided to light the fire pit.

Every year I try to do a new purple poppy photo shoot in memory of all the animals that are involved in war and in service but today did not go as planned…. I couldn’t get the 3 of them together at all. The excitement of having Cookie here seemed to knock any obedience on its head.

Calaidh as always is the star of the show.

Bhruic never manages to match Calaidh’s ladylike elegance.

And Freya……. Well bless….

Craig’s wood cutting with the village wood cutters this morning so I set off out with Cookie and Calaidh.

Then back home for Bhruic and Freya!

I’m now back in front of my fire in the garden.

I settle back in front of the fire when I got home, popping in and out forbhe house to do some small chores.

This is what life is all about. These moments where you feel super grateful for the calm, the peace and the beauty round about you.

The anxious, crying version of me from last Sunday, is nowhere to be seen.

The house is a riot and needs cleaned but I’m enjoying being outdoors far too much to start that just yet.

Look at that beautiful sun!

Craig took some photos from wood cutting.

So all of this before 12pm!!

I’ve had a lovely afternoon sitting by the fire in the sun, in a T-shirt in November!! Then went into Claire’s for a hair and makeup trial as she offered to do that for my birthday party next weekend. It was sooooo relaxing and I’m so pleased that I love it and I feel really natural….. and I get to relax in the run up to the party next week.

Craig and I then popped into the pub next door, where I had some Gordon’s Pink 0% gin with slimline tonic before heading over to the Village Hall with Holly to clean the toilets…. 🚽🚾🚻🧽🧹

It’s nearly 6pm and I can’t think what to have for dinner so I’m back outside at the dying embers of the fire, where we started the day.

I’ve had a pretty perfect Sunday just sorry I missed the in-laws when the came to pick Cookie up! I’ll miss her snuffling in bed tonight.

My weekends fly in these days but as long as my head is quiet and calm, that’s all that matters.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I’m currently in the waiting room in the garage. It’s 1.35pm and they’ve just taken wobbly Abbie the camper out for a test drive. To be fair she wobbled all the way over here so at least she’s not hiding it, like some cars do when you try to show someone how bad it is. 😬

Always remember when I was a kid, I’d take my dad out to let him see something that I thought was wrong with the car and it would always be fine. 🤦🏻‍♀️

We had the busiest morning since I started working in the little gift shop. I didn’t get a minute to take photos of anything so I might pinch some from the FB page. 😂

It just didn’t stop which was great and I had a wee excited grin on my face as people kept coming through the doors.

Lovely to see my friend Andrina come all the way to the shop, to drop in a birthday present for me. So kind and such a surprise. 🎁🥳🎉

So the garage doesn’t know what’s wrong but agrees the wobble is bad. I’ve to take it back next week sometime, it could be the drive shaft or the gearbox mounted maybe.

I’m cold by the time I left the garage and I get home and have to walk the dogs. It’s a lovely wee walk but the dogs get super muddy.

The village looks lovely in the sun.

I spend a lot of time trying to avoid taking photos of these pylons but actually, I thought this was quite dramatic.

The sky was really dark and I guess there’s more rain coming.

We were lucky we stayed dry!

We have Cookie the Chihuahua overnight tonight.

We’ve had lots of Cookie cuddles already.

I’m tired and quite grumpy tonight. Probably nothing that a good sleep wouldn’t fix. I have that age old thing of overthinking the things that I want to in the short space of time I have off.

I then get annoyed because I’m too tired to do any of it.

Until I give myself permission not to do any of it. Only then I can relax.

It took me 2 hours to get to that stage 😂

Comfies on, fire and candles on and takeaway ordered as I really can’t be bothered cooking. It’s our first in a while and I tried to be healthy with my choices.

Have a lovely Saturday evening.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Here are the girls wearing their purple poppies to remember all of the animals that died in war. 💜💜💜

Here is the window of our Village Hall. The Crochet Hookers started crocheting poppies in January 2022 and sadly only one of us got into it and enjoyed making them. They look lovely.

Lest we forget.

I woke at 4.30am despite being late in bed last night. I headed over to the Farm at 5.15am so was super early.

The guy who usually fixes my van was there and spotted that I’ve been driving a Tartan van all week and now that Abbie has strange new wheels. He told me to take her down to his garage after work tomorrow so he can get a look. Fingers crossed he might suss what is really wrong.

So the Farm was good, it’s really mild here just now. 14°C mid November is crazy. We worked hard and I was back home for 7.30am.

I had a wee lie down until 8.30am when I went out a walk with Calaidh and Holly and Leo next door.

Calaidh posing as we wait for Leo.

Leo’s shadow looks huge as Calaidh is away up front.

The sky is so dark and yet the rain never came.

It’s a lovely sunrise and a great catch up.

So I’m still feeling good today. I’m tired but not that dog tired that I have been this week. When I got home, the doctor’s surgery called to say that they had referred me to the Gatehouse Clinic for the mirena coil. I realise there may be a huge waiting list, but this feels like a step in the right direction.

The little gift shop was good today. We were busy today and had boxes of new stock to unpack. Exciting times for me.

I should say here that Gayle won the Best Independent Retailer 2022 in the Scottish Business Awards. Sooooooo proud of her. She saw a gap in our local market and went for it and opened this lovely wee shop that’s become a hub in our community. I’m so proud to be a part of it.

Should have taken some photos as Gayle has changed the shop around completely so it looks like a different shop /and I’m seeing things I never knew were there!

Craigie has had a super productive day too and pressure washed the back garden again. It looks amazing!

So we need the wind to stop “blowin’ a hoolie” to help keep it clean and tidy in time for my birthday weekend next week. 😂😂

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I got into bed at 8.30pm last night .

I even started watching “I’m a Celebrity” at 9pm on my phone. I very rarely watch anything like that but I was really interested to see how Matt Hancock got on entering the jungle. (For those who don’t know, he was our Secretary of State for Health and Social Care from July 2018 to June 2021 right through the worst of COVID and I’m a Celebrity is a show where celebs go live in the jungle in Australia and have to do all kinds of yucky challenges before one of them being crowned King or Queen of the jungle. Was that the longest sentence without punctuation?!?) He actually seemed to do pretty well. I thought he might get ripped to shreds. That might still happen but he doesn’t seem scared of the jungle challenges. Anyway I’m not sure where I’m going with all that…. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I opened my eyes at 5.45am and I knew instantly I felt better.

I’ve stopped the progesterone for a fortnight. I haven’t taken any since Tuesday night.

I felt like a weight had been lifted. Getting ready for work felt easier. The stroppy, tantrumming child had gone. My step was lighter.

I drove to work and marvelled at the sunrise. I enjoyed the drive. I was grateful.

So many things went right at work too. Parts came in that we really needed, things fell into place. I crossed things off my lists. More importantly I even remembered to look at the lists in the first place.

I made a clear decision to call the Gatehouse Clinic in Irvine to make an appointment to get a Mirena coil fitted. This will release progesterone internally, way more slowly than the fortnight of pills. My gut tells me this is the right move.

So that went well……. 😳

The receptionist balled down the phone “THERE’S A HUGE WAITING LIST” then asked if it was for contraception. When I said no, it was for HRT, she seemed so chuffed with her reply “WELL YE’LL NEED A DCOTOR’S REFERRAL THEN”…. Almost triumphant in her victory and getting me off the phone. 😳

That is not what my doctor thinks.

So I made a quick call to the doc to pass on that message. Hopefully she’ll get back to me soon.

I feel a bit despondent but NOTHING like I would have yesterday. What would have been the end of the world yesterday, was only a minor hiccup today.

At lunch, the guy working on Abbie the camper van brought her back.

She’s still not fixed by she has new rear arms and hubs, bushes and bearings yet she still had a wobble. Particularly on acceleration. He wasn’t sure where to go next.

So I paid over the £422.22 and was close to tears.

Tartan boss took control and got the boys to swap my big wheels back for the smaller, normal wheels to see if that helped. It was really good of him to do that as I don’t know what to do next.

I took her out for a test drive and thought it was much better.

It took me a minute to get back on track with work as my mind was desperately trying to find a way to dwell on the negativity of the situation. To over-dramatise it.

I did get back on track though and got lots finished off before finishing. It was a good day!

Driving home I’m sure there’s still a pretty bad wobble on acceleration. I’m not imagining it…. as much as I want it to go away.

The noise in my head has gone, I feel like the depression has lifted and the calm is so welcome. I’m tired but nothing like it was. I’ve not been scrambling for energy today. I’ve eaten well.

I’ve always said the calm after one of those spells is the most amazing feeling. The relief is immense.

I’ve got the Memorial Hall Committee meeting tonight to discuss fund raising. It doesn’t start till 7.30pm. 😳

I will try to stay awake until then. As I write that I am smiling. I’ve got this today.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I was in bed by 8.30pm and slept right through until 5.45am.

I had a nurse appointment this morning just for a blood pressure check which was 115 over 78 (whatever that means… I really should look that up) and my resting heart rate was 61.

I stayed in bed until 7.45am and although I wasn’t sleeping I was snoozing, which was sooooo good. Love a wee cheeky lie in.

When I did get up I felt ok, but the anxiety and breathlessness started to kick in as I felt I was running out of time to get ready.

I couldn’t figure out what to bring for lunch as we’re on this 6 week challenge at the Farm, but I’m not concentrating on buying the right food, so I was all over the place about that. I need to eat more protein and veg but my focus just didn’t there.

Do you know even as I write this I’m stressed at reliving the anxiety of this morning. It’s so tiring feeling like this.

I couldn’t find the doctors surgery… couldn’t remember how to get there. Took two wrong turns until I finally figured it out. My mind wasn’t focussed properly.

By the time I got there I was “up to high doh” as mum would say. I couldn’t figure out whether or not to head in early or wait outside until nearer the appointment. How long would it take me to walk in to the surgery blah blah blah….

I got out the van and walked straight in (with my mask on!) and sat down. It was THAT easy.

I talked to the nurse and she suggested making a doctors appointment to discuss how I’ve been feeling these last few days.

The doctor called me once I got to work and was super lovely and listened to me as I talked through my tears.

She gave me some options…..

• Stop taking HRT altogether
• Reduce the oestrogen by halving the patch
• Reduce the progesterone by getting the Mirena coil fitted which emits a smaller amount of progesterone

I honestly have no idea what to do. That brought the tears again. I’m just so tired.

I really hoped this would be some magical fix and yeah I’ve given it a whole two weeks and I’m crying coz it’s not working yet…. Ridiculous eh?! I hear myself.

I’ve decided to skip the exercise class tonight. I have my jammies on already. I’ve cooked dinner which is something.

I just don’t fancy eating anything much really except junk and sugary snacks. Desperately seeking that energy boost in all the wrong places.

But it’s all enough. Everything I’m doing just now is enough and I’ll get through this wee down spell and come out stronger.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I am soooooo tired today, super lethargic.

I have yawned my head off a fair bit of the day.

I was up to the loo at 12.30 and then awake at 4.45am for the Fit Body Farm. I did not feel fit this morning… everything was an effort but at least I went and did everything we were meant to do. There was no “buzzing” about my workout this morning. More a wee candle flicker 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

It’s a dark and wet day. That mirrors my mood. I have to say I am a lot better than the weekend as there are no tears today and that’s a huge bonus.

I can cover every thing else up, I’m a master at hiding my mood at times (some folks might laugh at that!!) but when the tears want to come there is no stopping them. It’s the one thing that you can’t hide.

So today has been ok apart from my serious lack of oomph.

I’m frantically searching for energy and the huge amount I have eaten today is not going to cut it. I just need sleep.

I came straight home and into my jammies. I clicked at some point today that I forgot to change my oestrogen patch last night 😱 it’s not the end of the world and I changed it as soon as I came home. I’m getting a dab hand at the slap dash of plastering my back myself. 😂

Craig already had the fire on. I had leftover lasagne…. Do you realise I am almost eating that for every meal these days?!? I love it!!

I love this next one….

So big time self care for me tonight. I ain’t moving and am gonna have a very early night. I have the nurse at 8.50 tomorrow for blood pressure tests so I will try to pass on the message re my reaction to the progesterone and see if they suggest anything.

I also get a wee teensy weensy lie in! Bliss.

Oh and finally The little gift shop won the Best Independent Retailer at Scottish Business Awards 2022, last night! I’m so pleased for Gayle. She thoroughly deserves it after all her hard work!! I’m proud to be a part of it now too.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Oh jeez…. Someone remind me I thought this HRT malarkey might be a good idea… 😳

My emotions are raging and I’m all over the place.

I’ve noticed that I’m taking offence to everything, I’m overreacting and things that are said, I’m taking everything as a criticism from everyone. I am being very rude and defensive in my comments.

Then due to that I’ve found myself wobbling a fair bit. The tears are burning at the back of my eyes and can spill out at any moment.

I’ve cried on and off all morning, when I’m not crying I’ve tried to sleep. Craig’s escaped out to wood cutting this morning. He’s really good when I’m like this but he’s safer out of the way.

I have the Macmillan coffee afternoon in the village hall today but I’m not feeling like I can face anyone so I’m gonna hide in the kitchen.

I get some morning housework done through my tears, I may as well be productive. 😂

I know this isn’t the real me. I haven’t been this upset for a long time. It really is just the change in hormones.

Progesterone side effects are low mood and irritability. ✅✅

I head across to the hall for about 12.30pm and didn’t get back home until after 5. Judging by the amount of crockery I washed, it seems to have been a great success! Looking forward to hearing the total!

This cake was raffled. How lovely does it look?!

And here are some of the cakes…..

This was to die for……. ♥️

Also randomly felt the need to get a photo with this giant jar of Douwe Egberts coffee.

I still feel pretty fragile and I’m shattered but I went today, didn’t let anyone down, did loads to help and if it wasn’t for this blog, no one would really know what was going on in my head.

That’s why I write this, so many of us have difficulty with moods and emotions and we just never know. We can hide it so well.

We have the fire and candles on… saving power 😂 we have a tray of cakes to finish off though I’m not sure I can take many more. So much for the health kick today.

Hey, I can’t do it all.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I woke at 4pm as “someone” got up to the loo…. That was us wide awake. I am sleeping very heavily but when I wake, the mind is whirring. This morning I was singing Kate Bush, Babooshka…. Over and over in my head…. It’s a track from my Tuesday night exercise class…. Over and over, the same line over and over and over 😂

Finally got up at 5am and got ready for the Farm. It’s soooo dark in the mornings now but Fridays I get a lift with Craig. (Keep forgetting to say that Abbie the camper van is in the garage again…. This time it’s her rear. I finally had enough of her hirple at the back end. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 she needs new rear arms, bushes, hubs and bearings. Needy much. A mere £422.22pence, precisely. I’m driving a Tartan camper at the moment which my Tartan boss has kindly let me use!)

Anyway I’m digressing… back to 5am. My first period in about three or four or five or six months appears….. erm thank you new hormones…. I immediately feel the stomach cramp kick in. (I am sorry about all this very personal chat but if this is to help any other women out there then we need to normalise talking about these things…. I realise some people sailed through menopause without anything but I’ve potentially lost my career as a result so I’m gonna scream it from the rooftops and am very proud of the celebrities who have brought this to my attention).

So…. The farm was great. I worked with Cathy this morning and we kept each other motivated. She often tells me that she loves reading the blog as so many of the other girls say, just thought she’d like a wee mention this morning 😆 We worked hard!

As we drive home the sun comes up and it’s a beautiful day so we decide to take the dogs straight out. It seemed much colder. There was cloud coming over the hills and a rainbow forming.

We had our first frost this year.

Check the size of the sun.

And the colours of the autumnal beech hedge against the blue sky.

Yet still the cloud is coming….

I love this next shot. It made me smile to be with my wee family this morning.

The rainbow finally fully formed, bearing in mind I’m walking looking backwards all the time. Craig turns round and I’m not there 😂😂

He should know by now I’ve stopped to take photos. 📸

I came home and got started on the housework… eradicating dog hair from the house once again then was almost late getting ready for work. Time flies when you’re hoovering. 😂

I’ve been in the little gift shop today and as usual it’s been really lovely. Lots of lovely customers to chat to and we restocked lots too.

I am exhausted by the time I get home. My stomach and back ache. My feet and legs are jumping and I walk in to the smell of lasagne cooking!! I could honestly live on Craig’s lasagne!

We have all the candles on, the fire lit, feet up and watching SAS Rogue Heroes on tv.

I might have an alcohol free beer. Cheers!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Why on earth am I sooooo tired. I have literally yawned my head off ALL day.

I don’t just mean one or two yawns…. Once they started they just never seemed to stop. I’m yawning as I write that 😂😂

I slept really well and only woke at 6.10…. I did have some strange dreams though and woke with a headache.

It’s been a beautiful day…. Cold but some blue sky and lovely sunshine. After the torrential downpour of yesterday, it’s been welcome.

So I’ve not been as exuberant as yesterday but I’ve not been a woeful as Tuesday either. Just a kind of tired, middle of the road.

As I left work tonight I realised the sun was huge and low in the sky. I literally took a left turn and flew to the coast. I only just made it before the sunset…… it was beautiful.

As I ran up the sand dune, the sun appeared.

The tide was in and the sound of two tankers reverberated across the water.

I stood on the dunes and breathed in the lovely sea air.

I have so many other photos and tonight WordPress is not loading them for some reason. Frustrating!

So anyway…. In other news I am 1,400 days off the booze today. Check… me….

Wine was my coping mechanism….. I have faced the last 4 years of my life, the most difficult 4 years of my life, without that crutch. I’ve not been able to numb the pain, I’ve had to suffer through every minute detail. I say that as if it was taken away from me. I chose to go without. I didn’t like the person I had become.

And here I am…. She who lived and breathed by where the next glass of wine was coming from… 1,400 days! I can’t believe it, I’m blasé saying it as I feel like I’m talking about someone else. I never, ever thought that this would be possible.

So I’ve spent the evening in Claire’s tonight, in front of the fire having a good natter with. a Turkish Apple Tea. It’s good to talk.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

This has been me today…..

Channeling my inner zen. 🧘🏻‍♀️

I’ve said this so many times, but, what a difference a day makes!

I am a different person today.

I have no tension, my joints feel relaxed, I have no pain. I feel much lighter. I’ve been relaxed, I’ve been calm, I’ve been quite excitable. I would go so far as to say I’ve been buzzing today.

Yesterday’s stressful issues and terror moments are just decisions to be made today. The overthinking button is switched off.

Nothing changed. Except that I gave myself a big shake and fought every bit of my mood yesterday to head over to that exercise class.

There was no part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to curl up in my jammies, eat chocolate and feel sorry for myself.

While we think that helps, all the sugar would have made me feel worse in the long run. Even as I typed that I scream out inside that it would have been soooooo good. That voice inside my head thinks it knows better.

So maybe the class just broke the negative cycle?

Despite my sore joints yesterday, I was able to do most of the exercises and the music and vibe made me smile. A lot.

I slept like a log until the usual about 4.30am…. I know that’s ridiculously early but it still felt like a great sleep.

The Farm came easily to me today. I upped my weights any chance I could, but, when I headed out for a run and spotted the sunrise, I rushed back in for my phone. Honestly I was bubbling. 😂😂

By the end of the work out it was even brighter! I ran back to the car park again after stretching and before my showers

By 7.30am, the sun was up.

Yet that was the last I saw of it….. the forecast was atrocious today.

Thankfully the only storm today was the one raging outside the portacabin! See what I did there, could I be more cheesy?!?!

I’ve had a great day. Made even better by the darkness of yesterday.

It’s time to change to HRT patch number 3 and since Craig’s out, I might have to apply this one myself.

What could possibly go wrong?!? 😆

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wide awake at 3.45am. My mind was wandering. No amount of “forcing” myself to sleep was going to help.

I should start by saying that my head is actually in a good place before I moan a bit…. I’m shattered tonight. It’s hardly surprising.

The Farm has been really difficult these last few workouts. I’m stiff and sore. I feel like a lead weight… but I’m still doing it. My knee twinged again this morning. I feel like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz who just needs a good oiling….. that probably came out all wrong and I can hear some sniggers up the back. 😂😂

I’ve a wee rookie error with my 2nd HRT patch…. I got Craig to fit it and boy did he enjoy ripping the first one off 😫🩹 I was sitting on the edge of the couch leaning forward so it’s fitted while I was at full stretch so it feels like it’s wrinkling when I stand straight. It feels really weird. That’s said, it’s only for another 2 days.

I’m listening to Davina McCall’s book Menopausing for the second time. I’m soaking it all up like a sponge.

900,000 UK women have left their jobs because of menopause symptoms. I’m not in the statistic. How many other women are out there that have gone through the same as I have? It’s shocking!

I’ve been a wee bit anxious, a bit nervous, a bit irritable but my head underneath all that is still good. Overall, still calm…. And it feels like a great place to be.

Stay safe everyone 🎃🎃🎃

We fell back last night. I LOVE having the extra hour. We just remarked on that as we sit having morning coffee… could we just have this every Saturday night please? 😆

I woke at 4.30 which would have been 5.30 and then went back to sleep until 7 which would have been 8. It’s light again in the mornings for a few weeks. Yay! Might get a decent sunrise again at the Farm. If it ever stops raining….. 😆

So I decided I had to come shopping today as I am running out of time to get something to wear to my birthday bash. I’m having a wee afternoon tea in the village pub for family and then friends from 5pm.

My intention is to hide at this party but may not entirely be possible….. so I thought I’d like a short dress with tights and boots….. oooh how wrong I may have been.

I drove up to Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow in TORRENTIAL rain…. To see what I could find.

I parked as close as I could to the shops and ran into M&S…. Where better to start?!?!

A jump suit?!? I was messaging photos to Craig and to Claire for a wee bit….. this was Claire’s fav and Craig said it looked like a boiler suit and all I needed was a hard hat 😂😂😂

Nope…..

This one was definitely my favourite shape but it just didn’t work for me….

Love this colour but the dress…. Nope.

This was super comfy but did nothing for me!

Looked great on the model who had no boobs…. Nope….

And finally I’ve chosen…… I’m way happier in my own clothes. Yay! Winner…. 😂

I loved this jumper dress from Vanilla.

Loved it but the lady in the shop told me I couldn’t wear this to my party. I bought it but she made me promise not to wear it. I thinking this might be a lovely birthday actual day outfit! The lady in the shop thought this was a better choice!

I then moseyed through the shopping centre and found New Look.

This one wasn’t bad…..

This next jumpsuit very comfy….

A horrific, definite no!!

Another definite no….

I LOVE THIS JUMPER……..

By this time Claire had had enough and actually jumped in her car to come to the rescue… and you will watch as you her young glam steps in!!!

Someone actually thought Claire worked in the shop!!! I’m not surprised to be fair as she really knows her stuff, I mean check the size of those heels….

Still really no…. Even in a bigger size!

This one reminded me of a velociraptor in Jurassic Park….. I couldn’t unsee that…..

So honestly…. Despite trying on clothes I have not even thought of wearing for the last 4 years, I really enjoyed it. I don’t embrace my body or my size but it is what it is and I have to work with what I have. Craig said no matter what you wear you can’t hide what’s underneath and while that may sound a bit harsh…. I knew what he meant!

This next one is the favourite for now…. It was so lovely to Claire too come up and help me.

And this just sums the whole day up…..

I laughed way too hard at that!

This day has gone on forever. It’s still only 6pm… it’s amazing how long and extra hour actually feels. It got dark at 4.30/5ish though….. the nights are fair drawin’ in 😆

We made pizza for dinner tonight. It was such a thin crust, it’s lovely.

We start a Transformation Contest at the Farm tomorrow for the next 6 weeks. We pay £20 and whoever loses the most weight wins the money. I won it last year so Team Avery are all set and raring to go. Bring it on!

I just have my 50th birthday smack bang in the middle of it this time….. hey ho…. What could possibly go wrong?!?

Just before I go, tonight is HRT patch changeover… it’s still sticking in place despite trying on all of these clothes which I think is pretty impressive. Let’s see what next week brings….

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️