Oooh I really have. ♥️

We had a lovely wee night last night. We are very quick to watch the next movie, the next TV series and binge watch of an evening and have done since lockdown began and probably long before that too.

We decided to have a cosy night in the sunroom last night. The wood burning stove has been cleaned out and it’s a lovely space to sit with the log burner on.

I didn’t finish the blog until after 8 but we sat till 11.30 listening to “heart songs”… songs that mean something on our life. We were singing away half the night. (The crazy, anxiety-ridden girl from a few days ago was just a memory….Albeit still a painful one).

I’m still emotional. There were tears through the songs but good tears, happy tears and memories and positive thoughts for the future.

I said the other day that I really need to make some peace with my anxiety. It’s easy to say when you’re not in the thick of it but I need to accept that it is a part of me and it’s what makes me me. I am passionate about anything that I do (as if you haven’t noticed…) I get obsessed by things being right…. That’s just it… it’s my version of what I think is right…. That’s not always possible and that’s not the end of the world. That is ok.

This next one is so true but at the same time if I appreciate the present moment then I have to believe that there’s no time like the present.

Humans naturally wait for the next “hit” of happiness. The next purchase, the next holiday, the next house etc… if we keep searching for the next thing then we will never be truly happy with what we already have.

I’m reading a new book…. just in case you wondered where all this wisdom was coming from?!? 🤣🤣

I was listening to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast and she interviewed Gelong Thubten. I got to work on Thursday and ordered his book straight away as he talks about how happiness is here and now in the present. Very like the Eckhart Tolle teachings I’ve been listening to.

Focus on the now. The present moment.

Check my new jammies for lounging around the house.

So back to the book…..

This is so true and I’ve never thought of that before now.

So my day so far…. Dog walk with Calaidh and Freya. Then dog walk with Bhru. It’s very wet!!!

I actually got stuck in a ditch walking Bhru… I threw the frisbee into a deep ditch and she looked at me with that look like she had no idea what I meant…. She was not going for it. I had to…….

Could I get back out?! Honestly where are all your dog walking buddies when you need them. I couldn’t find anything to pull up on to give me the humph out…. Ended up having to get both feet down in the ditch and crawl up and out on my hands and knees 🤦🏻‍♀️. Classy.

Claire popped in for a cuppa after I had my shower and then I took a wee drive down to Irvine for a wander round the shops… hence the newly purchased jammies.

I was only there for an hour or so. It was pretty busy and queued to get in and out the car park.

It’s still raining.

I’m gonna settle down for a nap now I think. Poor Craig’s working all day today so I reckon I have an hour and a half. Just enough time.

He called……. At 16.54….. woke me up… I booked back off and he is now home. Full of admiration for my new purple jammies…… 🤣🤣🤣 I’d only I could replicate his face when he saw me. I’m still giggling…. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂🤣

He says I look like blind Al from Deadpool….. nowI’m not gonna lie…. Even the back of the seat is the same as the new blanket I have on Grans chair….

I’m still sleepy. I’d normally be grumpy but I’m laughing. He says I need some big gold chains. 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve had another lovely wee day. I’m content. Happy on the moment. Still giggling at my jammies….

Stay safe everyone 💜💜💜

Not gonna lie… the mood wasn’t the best this morning. My stomach cramps were sore so I took paracetamol. The good thing is I feel really calm though projected into orbit by random questions and discussions. For no reason. Totally me, my head and I. 🤯

However, I had a lovely wee day today.

The girl that used to paint my toes has been on maternity leave since October last year! She came back to work this week and I booked my toenails in as soon as I knew! It’s the only real beauty thing that I do. There’s something lovely about having your toes painted. I have a lovely plummy red colour today. I’ve tried and decided you don’t need the pic….. 💅🏼🤣

That only took a half hour so I headed up to Linwood as I was meeting an old friend for lunch. She’s not old…. Before you start… I’ve known her since we worked together in 2001-2002. I was very early so popped into Asda to pick up dinner while I waited.

I met Carol-ann at 12 at the Linwood Farm. Wait until you see the cakes…… oh my actual word.

So we had the loveliest lunch which Carol-ann stated was her shout before I even had a chance to say hello! Should say here that Carol-Ann made the lovely Lucky Teddy that she gave me last year because she thought I would love it. And I did and I do! Lucky lives in the living room on top of the drinks cabinet…. Well out the way of puppy jaws!

Anyway…. We’ve probably not met up since about 2016 I reckon so there was loads to catch up on!!!

Now for the cakes….

I want you to take some time to zoom in on these…. They are honestly about 30cm high. I have never seen cake like it.

We have a slice of the Mars Attack to share tonight…. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

After lunch I drove up to Braehead Shopping centre. I had an appointment for a free facial in Boots…. Not gonna lie, I thought it was a makeover but it was a facial. Now you’re in the middle of the shop… at the No7 stand…. But I had an hours worth of facial (stop it for those of you sniggering at that word… I know who you are)

For free.

So you would think… it’s gonna cost you. They’ll get you to buy everything they used. That was my fear.

Actually the girl gave me wee sample tubs of most of the things she used. One of the serums was £34.95 and I reckon she must have given me at least a £6 sample of it. I’m so impressed. I have it all to try at home.

For free!

Bumped into my neighbours mum and dad. So lovely to see them and have a wee chat. Within minutes we both messaged Claire to tell her we’d met each other and how lovely it was. I love that!

So back home and popped into the pub for a 0% Tanquery Gin and pink soda before dinner.

We’re having a lovely chilled out evening in the sunroom. Candles on, twinkly lights twinkling. We decided this morning we’d have a different night. I feel like I’ve spent most of it writing this so I gonna go and enjoy it. Time without tv. Priceless.

Time without anxiety. Absolute bliss. Heaven.

I need to learn to accept that sometimes I suffer from overwhelming anxiety. It skews my view of things. It’s on overreaction. It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just who I am.

Now I’m off to eat lots of cake and drink Nozeco!

Stay safe everyone 🥰🥰🥰

Wow…. She who avoids all kinds of drama has created some amount herself today. Apologies to everyone who got in the way. Wow.

It all went fine until about 11.30 then stand back world and watch out… the Tasmanian devil whirlwind was in full flow.

Jeez…. I really don’t want to be this person. Why do I have to overreact when things don’t go my way. The overwhelm really feels like it’s the end of the world. I drag everyone else down too.

I found this and honestly it explains my life almost word for word.

Now in my defence…. Sorry boys… girls stuff again but my period started today. Now I have always said it’s the one day of the month that I think I should stay curled up in bed. My already crazy emotions are WAY over the top today. Funny that kicked in around 11.30am too.

Leaving this here and hoping that I make tomorrow a better day. Focusing on the present moment and appreciating everything I have.

Stay safe everyone (out my way is probably safest 😆😘)

First of all I have to start by saying day 555…. Not sure if you ever noticed…. But in movies, when phone numbers are giving out they always have a “555” in them. Watch out for it… 🤣

So I managed a bit of a lie in today. I have to say the anxiety is canned thankfully and today I am calm. It’s like flicking a switch. I slept well…. Woke up to the sheets absolutely soaking in sweat at one point through the night. That’s a joy of getting older. I got up to the loo and by the time I came back it was like I was getting into a wet bed. 🤢🤮

Thankfully normal temperature was resumed but the time the alarm went off.

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm as I had been so tired last night. I was due to head into work before the hospital at 9.35, but I’d worked it all back and figured I’d manage about a half hour of work before I had to leave again. Made the decision to do some work here first and then head straight from home to the hospital. Didn’t get out of bed till 7.30am….. oooooh.

Just yesterday I looked at our Ivy and thought… I never get to see that in the sunlight these days….. ta dah.

I had to attend Ayrshire Central Hospital this morning.

It’s a beautiful morning and I feel so much better. Despite the fact I’m headed to get my lump checked out….

I mean listen to me….. the anxiety devil that’s been dwelling in me these last few days is a distant memory.

My appointment was at 9.35 and in true Julie fashion I arrive suitably early…. Parking was a nightmare so just as well I did. By 9.45 my initial examination was complete with a big pen circle ⭕️ drawn on right boob….

Dressed and back to the waiting room.

Then it’s off for the Mammogram. Oh joy, bliss, rapture. It’s a horrible contraption and I often think must be designed by a man. For those of you men with other halves, I’m sure you will have heard this already but they literally whap it out on a plastic shelf and being another plastic shelf down on top of it and squeeze it flat. “It might nip” she says…… “oooh this is the nippy bit” she says….. oh my actual god. It’s so painful.

I should say here that through every step today the nurses have been wonderful. They explain every single step of the way. Every touch and movement is talked through before they touch or move you. But wow. Each boob flattened top to bottom then as if that’s not enough then from side to side. For that one you have to stand at an angle with an arm up and holding onto the machine. A bit like this….

🤣🤣🤣🤣it looked nothing like that… I caught sight of myself at this point in a tv on the wall that was switched off…. Oh my word. I said “jeez I can see everything in that tv…. Wow… that’s some sight” they all laughed. You got to.

The nurse said the tv is usually on and shows stills of Scottish countryside…. She said like the Glenfinnan viaduct….. I WAS THERE ON SUNDAY. Something else to focus on.

Pretty quickly dignity is restored. But the pain lives on for most of the day to be honest… I’m still tender now.

So back out to the waiting room and in for the Ultrasound before the hour is up. A bit like this…..

🤣🤣🤣🤣 again nothing like it but you get the drift.

Ultrasound lady is quiet for a while but then more than happy. I have a lot of cysts… which some people just do have. She called it Swiss cheese. She said the new lump I’d found seems to have gone down a lot on it’s own and they don’t feel they need to do anything else. The aspiration of a cyst can be pretty straightforward but with the amount I have the pain of aspiration would outweigh the benefit. This is my third visit to a clinic since 2010. I’m getting an old hand at it but it’s always a relief to know it’s nothing more sinister.

I’m free to go!

Back to work.

Craig had made me a lovely lunch so I ate super healthy today.

Someone said to me today that maybe I think too much. You know… that’s bang on… I do. It’s hard to switch that off. Constantly analysing why things feel so bad as I guess by know I know that they shouldn’t.

I say this all the time but the calm after bad anxiety feels amazing.

I’m in my jammies with my feet up. I’ve cancelled my Crochet Hookers for tonight as I’m tired and Craig and I are having dinner together.

We’re cooking pizza… kind of from scratch. We’ll see how it goes!

Stay safe everyone 🍕🍕🍕

Jeeeeez I am soooooo tired. It’s that tiredness where you drag your knuckles around on the ground behind you and just moan about all the time about being tired. I am so tired I could hardly be bothered driving home. I’m too tired to put the bin bag out, funny how that’s the first thing that springs to mind.

So I’m home from work and jumped into bed to write this. Ahhhh that’s better.

Yesterday’s blog fell on deaf ears given the FB outage for the evening. Just as well as it was one of those…. I’m tired, I’ve been busy and I haven’t done anything exciting. 🤣🤣sounds just like today to be honest!

I’ve got loads of motivational things to share though which will help boost my mood just by looking at them!

My anxiety is really high at the moment. I’m chattering away to myself in my head all the time. It’s exhausting. I wake up in the early morning and start thinking and it doesn’t stop until I write the blog at night.

I tried some meditation last night to help me get to sleep and I honestly “chattered” all the way through it. There’s a bubbling under the surface. It’s like a breathlessness. Hard to describe. Its a anxiety that I just can’t seem to calm down. It’s been there since Sunday night.

So yeah everything above. I still doubt myself. So much. Over everything.

Yep that’s me hit the nail on the head. The tears are burning in ku eyes as I write this.

I’m so scared I let everyone down.

That’s what anxiety does. It tells you that you’re not good enough. It tells you that you’re gonna fail. That you can’t do anything right. That it’s only a matter of time before I let everyone down.

I know that I’m better than that but somehow wallowing in the anxiety is easier than moving on from it.

I just need to find some way to stop it. The rest and relaxation helps. Writing about it helps.

No exciting adventures today and no stunning photos. Just finally feeling calm and relaxed and long may that continue.

Craigs home for dinner tonight for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

I’m cooking. Check me.

Poor Craig 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😆🤣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Awwwww there are no pretty photos from today. Not one. Just a factory in an industrial estate…. no beaches!

Now we never quite saw this colour this weekend but we would have if the sea had been calmer. I love turquoise sea and white sand.

I’m really tired today and don’t seem to be full of chat…. Check me…. That makes a change eh?!

I didn’t go to the Fit Body Farm this morning as I knew that I needed some more extra rest. I was up and in work for 7.45am.

We had a really busy day today. It was good though.

I actually ate lunch and dinner today. I had salad for lunch and I made a chicken tikka for dinner tonight. Auntie Jac brought it away this weekend and had a pack left over. Super tasty… though I’m sure the first one she made was way tastier!!! 🤣

So a busy day. Not much to say… and just a one last beach pic I think.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow what a trip! The forecast was pretty horrific and we’ve had some fairly shocking weather but we’ve also been so lucky with the beautiful weather we had. It threw up so many stunning and vibrant rainbows… the darkest skies, honestly jaw dropping a lot of the time.

This is a stunning part of Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 and we will be back!

I didn’t sleep as well last night but I did always roll over and get back to sleep. There was heavy rain and wind which wasn’t forecast but we were cosy.

We left before 9am and headed through Arisaig to take some pics. The tide was quite far out.

Auntie Jac was driving as I was really tired and it meant I could jump out for photos. Plan!

We stopped in a lay-by at the side of Lochailort on the way to Fort William. Stunning.

The drive down was so atmospheric. It’s raining on and off and autumn seems to have arrived since we drove up on Friday afternoon.

Not gonna lie. I had no intentions of walking this far in the pouring rain this morning…. But this is Harry Potter viaduct.

When we were kids I remember this being visible from the road but the trees have grown so much in all those years… I realise how obvious that sounds. It still surprises me.

I drove the rest of the way as I felt so much more awake after the wee break. Jac took some pics on the way down

The rest of the journey took us down through Crianlarich to Callander. I never get to drive this road anymore as we usually take the Glasgow route from Crianlarich down past Loch Lomond. It was lovely to see the route we would have taken as kids from the Edinburgh side of the country.

Callander was so sunny but absolutely heaving with people. We got there at 12.35… peak time I guess. It’s a lovely town with lots of coffee shops, woollen mills and outdoor shops. My kinda place to be honest! We could have stopped and taken so many photos but, I was just ready to be home.

Got stuck in the Rangers football traffic coming back through Glasgow and got home just in time for the game at 3. Yay….. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Unpacked, put everything into the washing basket and had a long shower.

We had the best weekend! We managed to see so much, some stunning scenery, beautiful sunrise and sunsets, rainbows, sea, sand, dunes, coos, ferries…. everything Scotland has to offer.

Yet again I’m home and so proud of our beautiful country. I took so many photos I’m going to leave you with some more from the last few days. Special memories in the making. Thanks to Auntie Jac for showing me round this special place!

Wow.

So Sunday evening…. Just like that. Not gonna lie, could have another few days off…. Easy. But hey… we can all take whatever this week throws at us. Every day is precious. Love it to the full!

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🌈🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Here I forgot to say when we drove onto the campsite yesterday there was a huge fork of lightning ⚡️ out towards the Isle of Rhum. I was driving so didn’t get a photo of it but that would have be a stunning shot. There were a few flashes and claps of thunder but it never came to anything more.

The weather overnight was wild we kept the pop top down all night and the van rocked in the strong wind off the sea. There were moments of torrential rain which woke me up but I cooried in and fell back to sleep. Everytime.

We took a wee walk around the beach as the tide was out and it looks so different from last night.

We decided to take the van out for an explore. It seems a shame to come this far and not visit the places I came when I was wee. I have to say I don’t really remember any of it.

The forecast today was for high winds and heavy rain but we were so lucky that it stayed dry until later in the afternoon.

We then drove up to Mallaig which is at the very end of the Road to the Isles.

We decided to take a drive round the side of Loch Morar. It was an amazing track!

We drove back round to the coast again and decided to explore Camusdarach Beach where they filmed Local Hero. It was stunning! At one point we were the only people on it.

We headed back to the campsite after all our beach visits. My legs are really sore from the Fit Body Farm yesterday!

Had a lovely wee nap though to be honest I spent a fair bit of time lying watching the tide come in. It’s fascinating to watch it edge in… surprisingly quickly. I looked out the other window and spotted this!!

Jumped out and ran down the beach like a maddie….

So we’re back inside all cosied up now as it gets dark. We’ve seen so many different weathers and colours today. Everything Scotland has to offer. We didn’t get snow mind you.

Can highly recommend this stunning part of Scotland. The only sound just now is the click of our diesel heater. It’s like a heart beat.

I’ve missed my boy but I’ve had the best time exploring with Auntie Jac! And she’s been the best chef…. There’s a theme here eh?! I go travelling and get fed by everyone I travel with?!?!? 🤣🤣

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

1.30am…. Honestly wide awake. God knows why but I could barely open my eyes at 5am when the alarm went off for the Fit Body Farm. I stood like a wee kid with a petted lip not wanting to go.…. But I did…. And boy was it hard work.

Lots of cardio today and an “active recovery” after each activity which is basically running sprints. My body doesn’t actively recover… it actively is still knackered!

It was a good one though!

So back home for 7.30am, shower and packed and ready to go by 9am.

I took this photo of our ivy as I drank my morning coffee. Stunning colours.

So I was on the road for 9am ish which is way later than I had planned to be but I had grossly underestimated the amount I still had to do. But hey there’s no rush.

So I did the following drive today.

It’s another stunning drive this time from south of Glasgow to Stirling to pick up Auntie Jac and then on up through Callander, over to Crianlarich, up through Glencoe, on to Fort William and finally out to Back of Keppoch which is just outside Arisaig. Wow what a drive. We had torrential rain, pure blue skies and sunshine and lots of rainbows! 🌈

At one point the sea and sand was been blown up on the grass… it was crazy….

A caravan that looks like it’s permanently on the site, had its awning come loose and blow right up over the top of their van. It’s still attached but covering the roof! We contacted the site owner and she said the owners are on their way up tonight. She’s had 5 folk text her to tell her…

And then this happened…..

Auntie Jac came out and took these stunning pics!

So hopefully we’re not blown away overnight…. The pop top is down as it’s too windy and I can have my Fiamma awning out. But it’s super cosy in here.

Dinner was pasta with a bottle of Nozeco.

Bed will not be far away….. the wind buffeting the van is strangely comforting. Until I need the loo. Will try not to think about that!!!

Stay safe everyone 🌅🌅🌅

The blog I mean… the blog is gonna be a quick one tonight. Clean your mind!

It’s 19.24 and I’ve just sat down and even then I shouldn’t be. I have things that need doing but my head won’t think straight!

Awake at 5.30am again but calmly and not in a crazy anxious state thankfully. I’ve not slept well all week for some reason. Ok that’s not true, I’ve slept fine just woken up early every day.

Another busy day at Tartan HQ with two customer hand overs!

It’s been a really busy week but the boys have done a great job and both customers vans were ready ahead of schedule. It’s quarter end tomorrow and we finished a day early. Onto next quarter’s work already. A good feeling.

I didn’t get home until about 5.30 and have been cleaning and packing Abbie the camper van ready for another wee trip away this weekend.

Auntie Jac and I are off up to Arisaig for two nights…. This is where we are going to be!

I love the turquoise sea and pure white soft sand! Don’t know how much of the colour we will see as the forecast is pretty wet for the weekend but we will make the most of it!

It’s a good 3 hour drive so lots of exploring to do!

I have the Fit Body Farm at 6am then home, packed up and ready for the off.

So just had a wee last minute pop in next door to meet the new addition to the family!

The photo doesn’t do it justice and show how small he/she is. Just a teeny, weeny, gorgeous bundle of fluff.

I’m off to bed very shortly. I’m looking forward to some exploring and chill time!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So yeah…. This happened!! 1,000 days without an alcoholic drink since January 2019.…. Who’d a thunk it as my Gran would say! That saying always makes me smile.

By Dec 2018 I knew enough was enough and I thought I’d take a break and try Dry January 2019. That period between Christmas and New Year when you’ve had so much to eat and drink that you stand at the bar in the pub and just can’t think what you can force down your throat this time. Drinking Prosecco while really struggling to keep it down but hey it’s just what you do eh?!?

Eh no…….

I wasn’t any worse than anyone else but I didn’t like how alcohol made me feel. I hated that “fear” the next morning….. there were unexplained bruises, hellish hangovers and awful cringeworthy moments. Any excuse to have a glass of wine in my hand. That ahhhhhhh moment that made everything seem all ok. It numbed the pain of a very stressful job with a horrific commute.

So I started on 2nd January 2019 and “celebrated”’my last hurrah on 1st Jan… as you do. I’ve slipped twice. The day the pubs announced they had to close on 20th March 2020. 443 days in I sunk a bottle of wine like it was the end of the world. It was disgusting, I hated even the sip at the start. It made me feel weird…. And on I drank. I couldn’t stop. I felt like hell the next day and beat myself up.

So I did it again on 15th July 2020. The pubs were re-opening (should say I live next door to a pub…) so I “celebrated” the re-opening. I didn’t want to be the odd one out. Again disgusting (and that’s not a criticism of the pub wine!) Same story as before. I carry those two days about with me as a cross to bear. Why is it I focus on them rather than the 998 when I used sheer bloody willpower and didn’t have a drink?!?! You knew I was hard work eh??!

So here I am… who’d a thunk it as my gran would say. 1000 days without alcohol. She who self medicated with it has gone it alone.

It’s been a very hard journey yet sitting here now it seems easy. I was so jealous of every minute I spent around drinkers. It was so hard. I felt left out. I had to decline drinks left, right and centre. But I did it. I am proud to be a non-drinker. I used to turn up my nose at non-drinkers. I never understood it and felt threatened by it. Not any more.

So my next count is I’m now 47 days without antidepressants and I’m pleased to say that today was so much better than yesterday. The non emotional, in control Julie turned up today.

Yesterday was awful and I didn’t sleep great either. I didn’t get up for the Farm this morning as I needed more rest. I feel so much calmer today. It’s such a relief after the drama I created yesterday.

So what’s the difference today?! Well….. this might be the craziest thing I’ve ever shared… but I have a crystal that helps balance my chakras. (Yeah I know, ok, bear with me….)

This crystal is programmed by a company called Lifetransformers. net….. now I know and I would have been reluctant before so I hear you rolling your eyes at this. 🤣

Well you can scoff if you like but all I can say is…. Popped the crystal into a wee bag and into my bra and it’s done the trick. Now you can just stop laughing. I will regret sharing this I’m sure 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️but I am night and day compared to yesterday. If a wee crystal in my undies changed that then let me have it. (That sounds so ridiculous…. I’m aware)

I’ve had this crystal for a while and it’s been helping so I left it at home. Forgot about it. Course I never mentioned it before as you’d think I was crazy…… suddenly thought about it this morning as my anxiety wasn’t great again first thing.

Boom. Job done. I’m hoping you focus on my 1,000 days and forget all about this.

So that’s all for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🥳

I’m off to meet the Crochet Hookers tonight then an early night again.

I want to say thanks so much to everyone for reading and supporting me. It means a lot.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

So it didn’t start well. I think my cheap step count watch has a mind of its own. I woke at 4.43am and given the vibration from the watch that followed…. For the next half hour or so, I can only imagine that’s what woke me. I’ve raised a complaint that I can’t control the screen. There’s a theme here with the day. Lack of control.

I was wide awake. I couldn’t stop thinking about things that needed doing today….. I tried breathing exercises. They work for a few inhales and exhales then another thought pops into my head. Repeat. Repeat. You get the gist.

I decide I’d be better off getting up and heading into work and doing things rather than lying in bed mulling everything over. I got up at 5.45.

I knew my anxiety was a bit off the scale today. I feel a bit breathless and my mind flits from one thing to the next and I can’t think straight.

I talk it through. I put it aside. I write a list.

I am bit sad tonight. Sad that I had a bad day and I want to just be able to shrug it off. Instead I seem to choose to wallow in it.

To be fair I did alright today. I do pretty damn good despite everything.

I’ve eaten a lot of calories to compensate. At 999 days without alcohol I really could have done with one tonight. Instead I chose crisps and cheesecake for dinner.

I took the dogs out for a walk. I think I missed a good sunset as the sky was really pretty.

The dogs were a nightmare on the walk. Maybe I was the nightmare on the walk. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I need to learn not to get so angry and upset when the anxiety kicks in. It’s not the end of the world. It just feels like it at the time.

As I sit here swithering whether to post this or not…. I realise that today has been nowhere near as bad as I think it was. It’s just in my head. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow what a long and busy day! It’s 19.08 and I’m ready to crash!

The Fit Body Farm was soooo good this morning. I’d been awake on and off through the night worrying about parts that needed ordered for work. Nothing I can do about it at 3am but I couldn’t get it out my head! I really tried.

So I was tired when the alarm went off but the Farm was exactly what I needed!

I loved it. We were indoors this morning as it was torrential rain. I felt invigorated with every exercise. I was aware that I started off unable to do some of them properly and got stronger at them as time went on. Apart from throwing a wall ball at a guy next to me on pretty much 75% of the time I was throwing it… I loved the feeling of getting it right. Upping the weights I was usually do and enjoying the present moment rather than waiting for it all to be over!

Seriously check me. I was all kinds of proud of myself!

I got to work and mum sent me this…. It brought a wee tear to my eye.

There weren’t many of us in work today so I had big plans to get lots of things done that I didn’t manage last week….

Big plans.

T’was not to be.

I seem to be a bit of a martyr when it comes to being busy and having lots to do. Even after all this time. I should know better. I have a million reasons why I can’t take lunch. I have a million reasons why I need to stay late for a customer sign off….

I feel really bad if I haven’t done something I feel I should have. Read those words carefully. It’s all me being hard on me. Still.

I feel really bad if I feel I’ve let someone down. I still have this level of perfection that I can never quite achieve. I’m a hard taskmaster. Thankfully I have a great team around me that tell me to “go take a walk in the field”…… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 when they can tell it might be taking over.

I actually made myself some dinner tonight. Pesto pasta. I’m watching Grace and Frankie as I write this… it helps me relax and gives me a good giggle.

I am calm now. I need to try harder to remain calm when things don’t go my perfect way.

I’m looking forward to my bed already and I’ve only been home for an hour and a half!

Tomorrow’s a new day and another chance to chill the “heck” out. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow what a grump. Everything is irritating me today and I mean everything….. I feel overwhelmed by mess in the house, stuff everywhere, things that “should” be done. I can feel my head frizzling with electricity almost.

When I typed that it said “drizzling” and to be fair it made the corners of my mouth turn up slightly… the closest thing to a smile.

So it’s 3pm and I’ve sat down. What is wrong and what’s causing it….. how do I shake myself out of it?? I write my daily rambles and hope the reason becomes clear.

I’m tired. Last night was a lovely party. It’s my sis-in-laws 40th, she looked stunning and had a great time.

It took a lot out of me. The whole getting ready etc, I was really looking forward to it so I think I’d already used a lot of energy up before I got there. 🤣

I wasn’t comfortable with what I was wearing….. I proudly wore my alcohol free badge…. Not literally of course 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 but despite me holding strong in my 997 days without alcohol under my belt…. I guess I feel a bit like a fish out of water….not sure why I feel so defined by the not drinking thing.

Now there’s a plethora of alcohol free choices (just wanted to used that word!) but I just didn’t seem to relax. I was on edge, worried about saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself. I feel quite strongly about my decisions and seem to want everyone else to understand and feel it too. Its not a nice feeling…. Anxiety at its best.

I joined in lots of conversations but it didn’t come as naturally as it used to. Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t been to anything like that for about 3 years, maybe it’s COVID, maybe it’s the not drinking and maybe it’s just me “feeling” the situation after 43 days off anti-depressants.

That said I did see all the lovely people that I haven’t seen in a very long time and it was nice to get some big hugs. 🤗

Oh and there was lots of very tasty pizza, my mother in laws lasagne (which is amazing!) AND chocolate fountain!!!

It’s crazy. I feel so much better already… writing it down instead of letting it all rumble round.

You know what….. I did something different and my anxiety overreacted a bit. That simple.

Look a the lovely Ivy changing colour for autumn. It puts on a great show every day. How’s that for a change of subject?!?

So this morning was all about the dog walk. I took Freya and Bhruic out for a big walk first thing. We’re looking after Leo the Cockapoo today as our neighbours are at a wedding.

I took Calaidh and Leo out next.

They had lots of fun! So it’s 11.30 and all the dogs are walked but Craig had a great morning and moved loads of wood into the wood store, he picked potatoes and tidied up loads in the back garden. It’s good to come back home to see all that done.

The sky is really dramatic today. It’s forecast to pour with rain and yet it never comes.

So I’m trying to write the blog… but Leo wants cuddles!!

I’ve not had the best of days but I can honestly say that it’s all been in my own head and writing this has turned it around.

I’m still trying to focus on appreciating the present. I haven’t done that today. I’ve been too caught up in everything else.

I’m back in that zone.

This is your Sunday evening reminder that you can handle everything this week throws at you. Handle it better than I did today.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s not like me to go to the shops these days. It’s not my favourite thing to do anymore. It certainly used to be but I’m not a fan anymore. We’ve got a party to go to tonight and she who rambles and lies like a sloth has no decent makeup to wear.

I’d borrowed some yesterday but it’s a bit to pale so I thought I’d go and get my eyebrows threaded and buy something more in line with my skin tone. Check me.

I have actually blow dried my hair every time I washed it this week AND worn mascara and eye liner every day this week. I always used to wear it before but haven’t for a long time. I don’t know why but I felt the need to make the change after my holiday. Like I’m coming back. Check me.

So back to today, I jumped in the van and headed to Braehead for it opening at 9am. Got there at 8.56 😂

My engagement ring has been in need of repair since just after the first lockdown. The diamond becomes unseated in the claws. I’ve lived with it like that most of the time.

The last time I took it in it cost me £175 to repair. I was so angry when it happened again but we were right back in to another lockdown.

This was me finally taken back. As a different person.

The old me would have been so angry.

The new me explains the situation calmly but makes it very clear that I am very unhappy the single, most expensive thing we’ve ever bought jewellery wise doesn’t seem fit for purpose. It’s away off for repair again. We’ll see what they say.

So I had a wander, eyebrows threaded and bought some new makeup 💄 in Boots and then my stomach did a dreadful tumbling like motion. Like it dropped.

I should say hear that Craig was violently sick last night just before bed and we reckoned it must have been something he’d eaten.

One minute he was fine, the next minute he’s auditioning for a role in Alien 👽 oh my god….. ive never heard him be sick before and sincerely hope I never will again.

Back to the stomach. (Haha it just gurgled as I typed that…. Funny….) it was all over the place. I got the sweats, I had that sick feeling in my mouth. I went to the toilets and thankfully wasn’t sick. Back in the van, missed out on my planned coffee treat and straight back home to bed.

I was in bed for 3 hours!! Asleep for about 2. Musta needed it!!!

When I woke up I saw I was missing this lovely sun outside.

It didn’t last long! Calaidh and I went out for a walk. should say here that the tummy issues seems to be resolved in our dog world just not so much in ours…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

Bhruic is also in season now which is always a joy to behold. We’ll be cleaning up after her for a while now and the other two will join her in the next few days.

Honest to god I have now inhaled a fly!!!!!!!!! I don’t need to be coughing with this dodgy constitution……

Must have swallowed it as the coughing didn’t last long thankfully. We saw some coos.

Back home for shower, makeup, hair dry and getting ready to go out. It’s been a long time. My face has more wrinkles than the last time I tried to whap foundation on it. I’m sure of it.

I think I’ve had a pretty lazy day today but it’s been good. We all need it at times.

Here goes!

Have a great Saturday night!

Stay safe everyone ♥️💄♥️

It’s 7.56am. I’ve been in my bedroom since about 3 pm yesterday. Are we there yet?!??

Now I’m not gonna lie. Despite feeling a bit shady I relished the notion of coming home yesterday, laptop in tow, gathering up some crucial things, books, crochet a cup of coffee… and having to shut the door and just chill.

But it’s a very strange reality. I think at this early stage I could be over the one room thing. I have an allocated bathroom which I get to wearing my mask but I’ve been twice already this morning just for the adventure. 🚶🏽‍♀️🚶🏽‍♀️😷

It feels like Craig and I are not talking. It feels like he’s in a huff and slept on the couch 🤣🤣. Yet he’s been running around like a maddie making sure I have what I need…. Except this morning. He had a wee lie in and only just surfaced about 10 mins ago…. I need coffee….. ☕️😂 I’ve been awake since 6.30am. Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep I thought jeez….. wonder when I’ll get the results… it’s only 6.30am… what will I do in here all day?!?!?

Now this is actually a godsend. It’s typical that when we get the one thing we crave for…. Enforced downtime…. We’d rather do something else. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

So I’m going to make the most of it.

I already have lots of motivational things to share!

So update on how I feel. Genuinely not bad. A bit sniffly but still just like a cold. I could smell and taste dinner so all good.

Th bump on my head is still gowping.

I frantically searched for a large bruised lump on the mirror this morning… it’s that sore…..but there only a faint line which mirrors the headliner perfectly. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣🥳

So at 9.11am this came through…

The first feeling is a relief but then honestly the second one not so much. I ran through to the living room and started hugging Craig as he got ready for work. Then I suddenly realised I was plunged back into reality. Dogs to few and walk, dishwasher to fill and washing to be done. Ugh….. Have a few more hours of isolation please??!?

So back to it…

It’s raining and I need window wipers for my glasses.

So I’ve spent the afternoon crocheting my blanket together, hanging washing and I popped down to my favourite the little gift shop to see my friend Gayle and pick up some birthday cards. Not been in for ages! So lovely to have a quick catch up.

Craig came home and we popped into the pub for a couple of drinks and then came home to make a Bobotie.

And here’s our version of it!

Dinner was lovely!

So all in all a good day. I’m negative and out of isolation.

Back at it!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

After all these days of writing the blog I’ve finally come into close contact with someone who’s tested positive for COVID-19.

I’m in the bedroom in self isolation after taking a PCR test and waiting on results.

I have to be honest and say that I’m not feeling great. In the olden days (😂🤣😂) I’d have said I was coming down with a cold. I have that strange cold feeling at the back of my throat, it’s not sore yet but it feels like it’s coming. My noise is sniffly. My head is sore too. Here’s hoping that’s all it is.

I did also clatter my forehead off a van this morning too and it’s surprisingly sore. I was taking photos of the interior of a customer’s van and didn’t see the headliner was still on the van and hadn’t been cut out yet and walloped right into it. I actually hit the floor for a minute…. Not passed out just nursing the clatter 🤕

Will COVID tests ever feel more bearable. Honest to god, you end up boaking and retching all over the place and then your eyes water…. It’s the most horrible thing. Actually as I wrote that I realised that’s an awful thing to say as nothing must be more horrible than having COVID-19 and feeling dreadful.

So my first PCR…. I’m sure most people know but I promised this blog would be a record of life during covid and I have pretty much given up writing about it…. You have to go online and fill out a form and book a drive through appointment. Once I heard about the close contact and realised I wasn’t feeling great, I booked one straight away.

I had to drive to Dreghorn Fire Station where they have a mobile testing unit.

You drive up to a reception van and the guy made me put on my mask and wind up the window just to a small gap. (Why on earth would that not have crossed my mind?!?)

He gave me a pack including the test and I had to drive to a parking space in the car park and follow all of the instructions and take my own test.

My anxiety doesn’t like reading instructions and deciding what to do under pressure. I like someone to tell me what to do so I don’t get it wrong. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

But I managed it. Obviously 🙄 The hardest part was trying to open the hazmat bag that the test goes into…. I was actually talking to myself at one point thinking how daft I would be asking them to talk me through opening the bag… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😳🤣

Once your done you put your hazard lights on and they come over to you. They asked me to put my window up a bit higher. Then they scanned the QR code they give you when you book andbthen the scan the bar code on your hazmat bag.

You then have to drop the hazmat bag (containing the test!) out of the window and into a hazmat box that they open and hold up to the window.

All done. Just have to hide out in the bedroom until I get the results.

I came home and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom for Craig. We need him to keep healthy so he can keep working!!

I set up the home office and did some work in my tartan jammies bottoms. 🤣🤣

What a day!

Craig came home and said not to worry he would make dinner. Good. Then the takeout arrived!

So I’m all set up in the bedroom. Is it wrong that I’m enjoying a chance to have to stay put for a wee while. Of course the PCR results to come back negative tomorrow but for now I’m in here…..watching tv, candles lit, I’ve my crochet and books and Craigs smiley but masked face checking in every now and then 😷🤣😘

Stay safe everyone 😷🤕♥️

We slept for a full night!!!!!! Calaidh made a noise at 2am which made me think we were off again but it was nothing. All good. What and amazing feeling to get a full nights sleep.

However, it seems one of the other dogs is not well now. Calaidh was on our floor all night. The mess I’d cleared last night when I got home was repeated overnight…. Must have been Bhruic or Freya?!? Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!

This was the view when we left for the gym at 5.30am this morning! Stunning eh?!? I can hardly walk as it is so the Fit Body Farm was great but hard work too!

This was the sky when I left the Fit Body Farm at 7.30am. Strange colours!

So I had a really busy day today and not gonna lie the anxiety was bobbing under the surface a bit today. A few things didn’t go to plan but I really tried to take a step back and slowly breathe through them. The breathlessness was the first sign. At one point I actually did a 2 minute breathing relax exercise on my watch.

It starts by saying “Please calm down”…. That makes me laugh. No shit Sherlock, that’s why I here….. breathing. After 2 minutes of inhale and exhale it says “Good job”…. Thank you. ♥️

So I handled things today that “I don’t think I can handle yet…..” there you go. I don’t have the confidence in myself to deal with them.

And yet I did. I had a BEETROOT coloured face by the end of one call….. but I handled it. I

handed over 2 completed jobs to customers today and had another one in for quote. It’s a lot of people to talk to that takes a bit of getting used to in my wee quiet world.

One thing I really struggle with is drama. I find it so draining. yet I’m aware I cause drama myself. I have enough for myself and don’t need others. 😆😆

There were guys working on the building next door today. Now I don’t mind swearing… I come from a manufacturing background so I’m used to it….. but this guy next door was something else.

He was up on a cherry picker at the roof of the building and seemed to be showing off to the 5 guys on the ground as he did the job. Showing off in a way that he was creating so much drama about the work. Honestly you’d think the job was the end of the world the way he was going on. F’in every second word and shouting at the top of his voice. It was the worst f’in job he’d ever seen and who the f had done that and how the f could it be fixed… I mean “f me… ffs… f’in shocking work…..” I am not exaggerating!! and it want on for about half an hour.

I was getting more and more annoyed at his outbursts as the whole industrial estate could hear him.

I went out to the fence and said “excuse me”… a man walked towards me and I said “I mean how bad actually is it?!?” He looked at me like I had two heads. I said “I’m trying to work in there and you’d think his world was ending up there” pointing to the cherry picker man.

Cherry man turned and looked down and me and said “really sorry pal” immediately. He knew.

I didn’t quite know what to say to that other than “aww ok thanks…” and sidle away. Kinda cringing.

But there wasn’t another peep outta him and he was there all day.

He got a bit excited later on but without swearing. There was just no need for any of his drama. it came from a showy-offy place but it was totally over the top.

I have enough anxiety in me without hearing all that and fuming at everything he said!!

Enough already.

So I’m home with my bright red face to have a bite to eat. Popped into Claire’s to see her for a bit then I’m off to meeting the Crochet Hookers tonight! First time in 3 weeks!

WordPress is making all my pics look tiny tonight…. Not sure why but that’s only adding to the weird stuff today.

A good sleep tonight will fix that. Not sure it will fix WordPress though. Maybe they’ll look ok size when it’s published.

Who knows.

I’m off to crochet!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Wow, poor Calaidh was up every hour or two last night…. Poor us.

She has a dodgy tum and just gives a little woof to be let out so we took it in turns. Strange thing is she’s super excited when she comes in and full of what seems like happy energy. she’s not flat like we would be if we were ill.

I then lie and think about random customers and jobs from work….. fall asleep then

This was the moon at 2.34am this morning.

It was even better at 1.22am but I did t have my phone…. To be fair…. Why would I?!? it annoyed me I didn’t hence the next time I was up I grabbed it…. I love that I’m thinking of blog content 24/7. 🤣

So back to Calaidh, not sure what’s wrong. Not fed her too much today and will be in with us again tonight so she can

Whenever she needs to. Sadly I came home to an accident tonight so it’s still a thing…. Poor pupper.

So this was the sun when I got to work. It was lovely this morning with kind of watery clouds making it very atmospheric.

Still… a sunrise over and industrial estate eh?!? What’s not to love.

Work was busy today. I wasn’t my effervescent yesterday self but I wasn’t bad either. I realised at lunchtime that I was actually just pretty shattered and after 2 nights of broken sleep I think that’s fairly understandable. (Wonder how many people read this that have had kids and think I have nothing to complain about?!?🤣🤣)

So…. I have to say here that I have the best boss in the world. (Seems he may be reading the blog………… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙈😂)

In all honesty I have realised just how lucky I am this last few days, to be able to have a job that I enjoy so much, feel appreciated and want to do as much as I can to help build into an even more successful business. These poor guys have listened to me bumble my way through informal interviews where I didn’t want to say the words that yes I’d give up my “off sick” status and at first commit to 20 hours a week and then 30…. When the thoroughly terrified me. They’ve given me a chance when I didn’t believe in myself. I still don’t at times but I’m working on that.

Anyway, enough rambling. I’m tired. I’m praying Calaidh feels better through the night. We have the Fit Body Farm in the morning and I’m already struggling to move from Monday’s session… getting out of bed in the middle of the night will be painful mentally and physically 🙈🙊🤣🤣🤣 and even worse by 5am!

Oh I had Kinesiology with Shelagh after work tonight. It was another great session exploring my reactions to triggers in daily life. Honestly I go in there like some whirlwind and come out calm every single time. I don’t know where I would be on my recovery without Kinesiology. I recommend it… and Shelagh of course… to anyone wanting to make some changes in life. 💜💙

The old me would have come home, had a glass or two of wine slumped in front of the tv.

The new me came in… cleaned up after Calaidh……………. (Yes the old me couldn’t have ignored that either!) Put washing away, cleaned the sink in the bathroom, fluffed up all the bedding…. An most importantly lit a Mojito scented candle (I am aware of the irony… a virgin mojito scented candle obvs…) and lay down to write this. There’s not a sound. Just me tapping into my phone.

Calm. Goodnight. already almost sleep.

Stay safe everyone 🕯🕯🕯

Now this was a great day back at work and the gym but it wasn’t without its wee testing moments.… sent to try me and I laughed and didn’t let them!

This was the moon at 9pm ish last night just before we went to bed.

The dogs didn’t settle at all last night. Not sure if they were hearing noises outside or one of them wasn’t well but there were just random barks every now and then. Craig got up to let them out about midnight.

It’s almost like they knew we were getting up early and wants to make sure we wouldn’t miss the alarm.

This was the moon at 2.48am….. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 my turn to let the out and it seems Calaidh isn’t well…. It must have been her that needed out.

It took me a while to fall back to sleep and Craigs alarm went off at 4.45am…. Minutes after I’d been out with the dogs… or so it felt.

I usually get an extra 15mins so stayed “asleep”…. Must have fallen back over as I woke at 5.12am with a start….. had 18 minutes to get out the door with clothes and food for work.

Made it just….. got to the top of the road and realised I wasn’t wearing my glasses 🤓…. I pulled over at the side of the road and Craig stopped too (separate cars so I can get to work…) and he offered to go home and get them! I of course then had to sit there looking through every bag I had….. and of course there were many…. To ensure I didn’t have my glasses. Could you imagine?!? “Oops sorry found them“ at 5.38am…. So thankfully Craig found them in the house and I genuinely had forgotten them.

From that moment on I couldn’t work my demister, main beam, I was all over the place. I hit the wipers instead of lights…. You name it. My drive to the Fit Body Farm was a real effort of poor coordination 🙊🙉🙈🤣🤣🤣

And then the fuel light came on….. at 5.43am…. I actually laughed and said out loud “that’s fine… these things happen” rather than let it get to me.

Thankfully we got there just in time!

During the warm up I felt really energised and thought wow, check me, I’ve got this!It felt great to be back.

The work out was really hard and I was knackered in the first 5 minutes. To be fair we’ve had almost 3 weeks off…. I’m feeling it now. 💪🏼💪🏼🏋🏻‍♀️

So into the shower and forgot half my stuff… had to make do. Least I had my clothes to change into!

So yeah work was great today. Felt great to be back, catch up and see where we’ve got to with builds. I felt really proud to be a part of it. Chuffed that they seemed genuinely pleased I was back. I am looking forward to going back tomorrow as I have loads more to do that I didn’t get done today.

But I have a list! A big list!

Check me eh?! Who ever said that after a fortnights holiday?!? Certainly NEVER me.

Lunch was a disaster. Everything was a bit past it’s sell by date… my raspberries were squished and leaked juice all over everything else. The celery was on the turn… a bit slimy…. The coconut bits were slimy… can you tell I raided the fridge and just picked a random handful of healthy things?!? I laughed and ate cake that one of the guys had brought in.

Dinner was a huge success. Pork Tacos 🌮

No maybe portion control needs work but I ate the lot 🤷🏻‍♀️ it doesn’t look great but that’s the refried beans. It was a Simply Cook pack of spices that you add the ingredients to. Lovely!

So yeah, all in all a really positive day for me.

I’m tired but that’s perfectly normal after little sleep.

I’m 991 days alcohol free since January 2019.

I’m 37 days anti-depressant free.

And I’m smiling 😊

Stay safe everyone 😊😊😊