How can it actually be June already? May seemed to pass in a blur, in fact life seems to pass in a blur these days!
My trying to live in the present moment isn’t slowing life down any.
I was up at 5.30am and straight out for dog jog.
It was a beautiful morning! Pure blue sky. T-shirt weather and very sleepy dogs.. not certain they were ready for dog jog at that time of the morning!
I’ve obviously looked through these photos again and feel the joy and peace I felt taking them!
This next one was taken in iPhone portrait mode.
And this next one just normal. Can’t decide which I like the best?
The singe track roads are just beautiful!
All the while jogging along!
I took a photo of me to send to Craig. Look at that face mid run. I am actually buzzing. Completely loving life to the max!
I used to smile like this all the time and I was hiding how sad I really felt, even from myself at times. Now when I smile, I really mean it and feel it.
These lovely poppies are I. Our garden. I can hear Craig shouting WEEDS in my ear 😂 I love them.
I got home and did some energy toning exercises in the garden for kinesiology (the things I have to do to keep my mental health in check) and THEN went to Tesco in Irvine for a healthy food shop to pop in the fridge in the van!! Even Tesco looked lovely in the sunshine.
Then I went to get diesel…. All before work at 8am!! Machine.
The too bright too early part is two fold. The weather turned cloudy and has been cooler and cloudy for a lot of the day. Ellison and I still sat out at lunch for a blether. It’s the first day this year that I’ve worn sandals. Not the best choice but hey…..
My mood also deteriorated through the day.
I have so many rules, processes and procedures that I have to follow to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I am not very tolerant of anything that doesn’t go the way I believe it should go. That needs nipped in the bud. A couple of things this afternoon didn’t seem to be that bad at the time but the combination of them hit me from left field and there were tears again.
I only have swear words to express my thoughts on this 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🥴
XXX why do I have to be that person?!?
I cannot cope with feeling out of control. It’s super dramatic and none of it is that big a deal. It’s never personal but I always take it between the eyes.
So luckily I had Kinesiology tonight and we worked on dealing with stress of tears in public, learning tolerance and cutting chords with beliefs that no longer serve me. I know how weird all that might sound but trust me it works. I feel much calmer already. I’m sad that I’ve lost the spring in my step from this morning but I know I will get that back after a good nights sleep.
All I ask is for true peace to be able to deal with everyday life. It will not always be easy and it will not always go my way and that needs to be ok too.
Considering I got a mere 3 hours and 54 minutes sleep last night, I actually think I have functioned pretty well!
That “fair” sleep is while taking progesterone too, which usually makes me sleep like a log! Not so last night.
I felt really tired about 4.30pm and could have gone for a nap but decided it was too late in the day.
I was super thirsty so drank a pint glass of sparkling water…. Surely it isn’t that but I can’t think else would keep me so wide awake and wired to the moon!!! Poor Craig ended up on the couch with all my tossing and turning….
I am so lucky that I usually get a great sleep. I very rarely lie awake like that and my heart goes out to anyone who doesn’t sleep well. It feels like the end of the world at the time ( jeez let’s face it, I could make anything feel like the end of the world if I think enough about it! 🤦🏻♀️🥴😂)
Finally get to sleep at half 1 and Calaidh wakes me at 5.15am… barking.
I came out into the garden this morning and did some energy toning moments for Kinesiology….. I felt like I was being watched…..
It was Neville from the pub!
He’s being brave because the dogs were still in bed!!
I also took a photo of my second favourite plant in the garden, which is now flowering!
I just think these are the most beautiful colours ♥️💛
So after all that, I’ve had a really good day. My head’s been good, I’ve been focussed and on the ball. I’ve got loads done without any anxiety.
I do feel tired now that I’ve sat down! Freya always jumps up for cuddles when I try to write. 🥴
It’s been a beautiful day. The sun has shone all day and it’s been warm… T-shirt weather for most of the day. Really a first day of summer for us, I reckon, which is crazy considering it’s the 22nd May!! We’ve usually had a Scottish summer by now. I should also say that’s it’s probably only been about 15/16°C today which is warm for us, considering the weather we have been having!
So, the out of office is on and I have a lovely catch up for the next 3 nights and 2 days with one of my oldest friends… she’s not old, the friendship is 😂
I pick her up from the train station in less than an hour.
The forecast is good for the next couple of days so let’s see what we can get up to!
Jeez I have definitely not been appreciating the present moment today.
Everything I am focussed on is for the next few days. I know that’s not the right way to be so I’m sitting outside just now, trying to shake it.
When you have a house with 3 Border Collies and one man (🙊) the house is never going to live up to your high expectations.
I say that, but Craig is very good at cleaning so I shouldn’t include him in that, though I think women are much more of a “clean as you go” when men do a great one off clean…. That’s how I see it in my house anyway.
Not trying to start a war here by any means just blogging it as it ruminates inside my head. He was the one that made me write a list first thing…. He did say jeez that’s all in your head right now?!? Yup!
Let’s also say that Julie 2 jobs is also very lazy when it comes to housework as I always feel I need down time, a chance to relax.
So I’ve been cleaning now since about 8.30am and it’s now just after 1.30 and I think I might finally be able to allow my friend to come and stay. 🤦🏻♀️
I’m sure a lot can go wrong between now and Monday night, when she arrives, but at least I know it’s clean underneath.
The evil voice inside my head, has been on overtime today. Embarrassed at the “state” of my house, embarrassed at the things that need fixing, embarrassed by the things I’ve let go… if I’d just kept on top of them the it would be fine.
I should reiterate that we live in a 300-350 ish year old cottage. That alone is a challenge.
I also suffer from Hangxiety.
We still have stuff lying around that I keep moving from room to room. I know it needs to just go and when it’s gone, it’s gone, but I struggle to throw it out. So I find another place to stash it, which will just stress me out another day!
I’m passing up the opportunity to go wild sea swimming at Portencross, which has been my dream. She says.
It would appear it’s just not quite my dream when I’ve finally got the housework finished and I’d have to unpack all the swimming stuff and then getting it rinsed down, sand everywhere blah blah… you get the picture!
So back to reality.
We have beautiful house. There is nothing wrong with it. Parts of it are sparkling for the next few minutes. I’m outside still in jammies and there a real warmth to the cloud cover.
I can’t go back it the house and Craig is under house arrest, in the living room, watching the football as he cleans! I guarantee he will be the first to walk on a wet floor. AI did make him go to the loo so he doesn’t need out anytime soon 🤦🏻♀️😂 it’s ok I hear myself. I have so many rules!!!
This has been the first weekend in a long time that I have been thinking about Tartan over a weekend. I used to be really bad for that in my old job. Not so much now.
I think it boils down to what I said about trying to catch back from a holiday, while finishing up for another one.
So I think now I just need to stop and enjoy the rest of the day. I might actually put some shorts on…. 😂 it’s around
This next one is exactly what I need to hear.
And also this….
So I have 2 days off from work this week, with a lovely friend, which is amazing. The weather looks promising too which is another bonus. There’s a lot to be happy about.
A couple of funnies to end….
Have a great rest of weekend!
HE’S IN THE BATHROOM!!!!! THAT FLOOR BETTER BE DRY…… 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂😂😂😂
Wide awake at 3.30am this morning thinking about everything I needed to do on my last day. Jeez I’m only off for two whole days which was probably why it was so easy. 🤦🏻♀️😂
Had a relatively calm day and got through everything I needed to.
The sun shone today and we sat out at lunchtime. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the sun! The temperatures are picking up here but Iceland will be a few degrees cooler. Obviously. 🥶
In less than 12 hours we’ll be flying from Edinburgh to Keflavik Airport in Iceland.
It doesn’t look very far does it?!
So super early start for us! Trying not to wake the neighbours. 😆
It’s been so long since we flew anywhere and my new found indecisiveness is convinced I’m taking all the wrong clothes 🤦🏻♀️😆 I packed a last minute pair of shorts and flip flops in case the sun shines in some freak weather event!!! Gotta have that optimism.
I dropped Abbie the Campervan off to the garage for her holidays…. MOT and full service along with a knock at the O/S front 🤦🏻♀️😬🤷🏻♀️😂
So despite all the excitement, I do feel a bit flat tonight as I had the call with the Doctor today finally.
The call comes through in the middle of your working day and I felt very much like I’d been thrown into a discussion that I hadn’t had time to think about.
In the past, you would sit in the surgery and rehearse your “lines”. The call is great and it saves you going to the surgery but the two hour window makes it difficult to stay prepared.
I told her how I’d been feeling and how the anxiety was taking over again. I explained the fear that seemed so overwhelming at times. And of course in true me fashion I ended up crying on the phone…
The purpose of the call, for me, was to ask for Testosterone which is the next step in the HRT cycle.
Did that word even register in my thought process once during the call?!?! Nope. Zero. Nada.
She has re-prescribed antidepressants.
I have to say I am completely torn between being devastated and slightly relieved as there may be some light at the end of the tunnel of fear that’s been building up.
I can’t tell you how hard this is for me I write.
It feels so awkward and vulnerable.
I’m cringing at the very thought of posting this yet I always said I’d be honest. If I can help one other person see how difficult life can feel for someone who looks like they should have it all together, then it’s worth it. (how do I think that is actually one sentence?!)
It feels like s step back to me. Like I’m admitting defeat. Like I’ve given in.
Yet I am so tired fighting these feelings AND I wouldn’t say any of that to a friend who was considering taking them.
When I should be super excited about a holiday I’m worried that I ruin it by being a jerk when we’re away. There’s a very fine line between happy and excited me and jerk me. (Forgive the shocking English… 🤦🏻♀️😂)
So… to take or not to take. That is the question.
I haven’t yet.
I am sure I probably will but I could do without that life changing decision tonight. I have a holiday to sleep for!!
Calaidh is not letting us leave without her.
So, I’m not sure what will happen with the blog for the next few days. I may or may not be able to post but rest assured there will be a million photos being taken while I try my best not to be a jerk!
Here’s Bhruic and Freya guarding the bags now 😂
I’m off to post this before I chicken out but I must admit I do feel better for typing it.
I had THE best sleep. Wow. Out for the count and awake just before 6am.
I always find after some anxiety, that the sleep is really good as I’m so exhausted having to do all that overthinking, 😆 it makes sense really.
I had a great morning, made lunch to take to work, was soooo focussed that I got loads of work done early on. Cleared my feet and got on with the day.
I’ve noticed in the last wee while I am not taking any criticism well and I’m being aggressively defensive, internally, towards it. It’s probably not even criticism, it’s just what I’m hearing in my head. Like lighting the blue touch paper but it all stays inside and doesn’t come out.
A couple of things happened this afternoon that filled the old waterworks.
We’ve had a lot of supplier errors that could, in part, be my fault but actually just seems to be a run of bloody bad luck…. but I’ve built up a fear of letting everyone down by not having the right parts. So what happens?!? My dream comes true. Twice today. Thank you.
And once again, I am “that” person who cried at work. I have tears burning in my eyes even typing that. So disappointed in myself. Sniffles, snot, the lot.
I seem to be able to manifest the bad stuff in a heartbeat, yet the good stuff really makes me work hard for it.
So I’m feeling pretty low right now but the good news is, I have kinesiology in less than an hour so hopefully makes some sense of the evil twin inside my head, fighting me with all her worth.
I am so tired of having to deal with her all the time but I’ve worked way too hard to give in anymore. (even as I read that back I know she’s not there all the time…. Prone to exaggeration in this mode!)
I tried to call the doctor this morning to discuss the anxiety. I called at 8.31 without even having to watch the clock for the 10 minutes beforehand. I was impressed. I got straight though which is unheard of at the best of times. Unfortunately no appointments today and to call back Thursday. While it’s disappointing that the appointments had all gone within one minute of the lines opening….. 😳 the receptionist was lovely and it couldn’t be helped.
I think this whole thing would be so much more bearable if I didn’t cry. It feels like such a weakness.
So… I’m kind of out of words just now. There are more tears to come. I wonder now whether I’m crying at the things that went wrong or at my crying about the things that went wrong. That conjured a tearful smile.
It’s hard work this self reflection.
I do not like to be out of control.
I have so many processes, procedures and plans in place to make sure things go the way I need them to go. Suppliers making mistakes was not on my radar….. it has to be now and I don’t want to have to deal with that too… but I have to, if this is the state I get into but not following up every order and despatch note. 🤦🏻♀️
Here endeth todays wee moan.
I’ll end with some Calaidh puppy pics as it her 8 year gotcha day.
I slept really well last night. My evening spent curled up on the couch in a Christmas onesie and a blanket did the trick.
I got up for the loo at 1.30 (which is much more of an effort now that we are upstairs 🙄😆) and woke Craig too but managed to fall back asleep until just before 6am.
I felt a lot better this morning. No headache and no sluggishness which was good.
It was meant to be frosty this morning but it’s not so I’m really grateful not to have to scrape the van!
I even went outside with the dogs and took photos of the forest flame. It’s so beautiful!
It was nice to catch it in the sunrise light.
Those colours are just stunning!
I gradually felt worse as the day went on and had a lovely half hour lunch in Abbie the camper van at 1pm.
It’s always hard to leave the van as it feels like I’m on holiday every although I’m just sitting outside work! It’s super toasty inside with the sun streaming in the windows. Still not warm enough to sit outside though.
I’m still feeling lightheaded and dizzy with sore head and sore eyes.
I’ve realised though that most of us at work have similar symptoms though so it’s not just me and might be a thing….
I’ve cancelled crochet for tonight and will coorie up again. As snug as a bug in a rug… as Gran would say!
Don’t panic though. I still have my appetite. 🙄😆
I am actually sitting out in the back garden writing this. My eyes only half open 🤦🏻♀️😆 and I got big cuddles from Freya!
The Scottish Dog Behaviourist says I can sleep in the spare room. 😆 I told him he can 😂
I didn’t put out a blog yesterday…. and the world didn’t stop turning.
I had less than nothing to say. I honestly couldn’t even do the… wake up, went to work blog again. It bores me writing it let alone you guys having to read it.
So…. I’ve said this before but I’m going to make a pact with myself. If I have nothing to say then I’m not going to write a blog that day as this needs to be tool that helps my mental health and doesn’t add to the list of things that need doing. If there’s no blog in a day, I’m all good, just my day has been uneventful.
I should say I’ve been good this week. I’ve not been anxious at all really and it’s good I have nothing to have to work through.
Today I have loads to say as it’s 13.16pm and I’ve already done 23,245 steps!!
The weather has been crazy for May in Scotland. Its very wet, cold and windy. I’ve taken some pics on the way to and home from the Farm to show the crazy clouds. There was a lovely rainbow during the class too.
The Fit Body Farm was a killer this morning. We’ve been doing a fairly new thing called DecaFit these last few Fridays. There is a whole lot of running and it’s really just not my thang. 🥴
This morning we worked out 5 stations for 3 mins with a 500m run in between each station. I think I only managed the 500m twice and the rest were closer to 350/400m. It’s non stop without and break…. though hitting the station targets before the 3mins is up does give you a minute of a breather.
So, not my favourite day at the Farm but I still did almost all of it and I know the running will come the more I work at it.
It was sunny when we finished but still windy and cold.
I went straight into the shower when I got home as I couldn’t get a heat!
I had to have Abbie the Camper van at the garage for her MOT this morning, so I drove down to Glengarnock with Calaidh and Freya so I could walk back up.
Back home and crawled into bed for a wee half hour…. then back out this time with Bhruic.
Craig was working in Ayr so I thought I’d go with him and walk her down on the beach. He dropped us in Prestwick as I’d never been down to that beach as far as I could remember.
It was wild!!! Sooooo windy and the sea was whipping up and splashing over the sea wall. I have so many photos.
I’m not sure they do it justice, it was really wild.
Then in the middle of it all, I spotted this.
The sun comes out but it doesn’t heat up much….. though it does look a lot prettier!
I was fine for the first hour but after that I was just walking round in circles, praying Craig would hurry up. We sat on a bench for a bit but I think that just made me colder!
He phoned to say he was 6 minutes away! 😘😘😘 of course then the sun came out and the sea calmed down a fair bit.
It was soooo good to see him driving towards us…. I got the heated seats on and defrosted.
Back home to hang washing and made a lovely sharing snack late lunch/early dinner.
We had it with Nozeco (alcohol free sparkling).
It was really lovely and now…. I could sleep for Scotland.
It’s 16.18 and I’m now up at 24,951 steps and still waiting to hear if Abbie passed her MOT!!
She did not pass…..She failed for all brake disks, a top engine mount and a white indicator light….. a mere £374.
Anyway, all fixed now. I just put £133 of diesel in her the other day…. That better do her for now. She’s had enough!
Anyway it’s been a good day. I’m feet up on the couch now. Planning only steps to the bathroom 😆
💯days eh?! Which means I have written a blog every day for 92 days as I only started on what we recorded as our day 8. I see others saying we’re already up to 103/104 etc but this is when we calculated it at the time and rather than stress that my whole blog is worthless and rubbish the new me is choosing to keep going as is. It’s our day 100. Mine and Craigie’s and Calaidh’s and Bhruic’s and Freya’s….. forgive the poor English 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😬 but you know what I mean.
If anyone had told you, 100 days ago, that our lives were going to change in a way we could never begin to imagine, we just wouldn’t have believed it. A world where we could stand right next to anyone and touch anyone (with reason obvs!) and we literally hugged people we didn’t even know. We didn’t have a care in the world when it came to that kind of stuff. Yeah we turned out noses up at folk not washing their hands after going to the loo etc but we screwed up our face and moved on. We survived.
Now we have an unseen killer. A virus that can spread among us through touch, can survive on surfaces and pass to others and we can’t see it. We have no idea where it’s lurking and worst of all, people can have it and not even know they are infected. It’s the stuff of horror movies!!
We watched every virus movie while we’ve been stuck home and the truth is actually terrifying. We watched these in the past thinking they were just that… far fetched thrillers. We had no idea.
So 100 days ago, we finally realised how serious this was and Craig stopped work and we stayed home to save lives, to help stop the transmission of COVID-19. We “sheltered in place” as they said in America. We only left the house for dog walks and food shopping for months.
It feels like a time for reflection…. what have we learned in this 100 days? Apart from the fact that the rainbow is a sign of hope 🌈❤️
We’ve learned that family and being together is everything. We’ve been given a special gift to spend time with each other but we’ve also been told that we can’t see other family members or friends that have been a part of our daily lives. We’ve seen a community spirit that was always there in Gateside but growing in a way we would never have imagined. That old war time share and share alike. I’ve bartered with rice and milk and sugar… there’s been a lot of sugar passing over fences. We’ve made the best of the lockdown life we’ve been given. Generations ago our grandparents etc were sent to war, we were told to stay home and watch tv, I mean how lucky are we?
The material things in life have become irrelevant. Even with all the money and possessions in the world you still had to stay home. Businesses are realising people can work from home without the world ending and it will reduce their overheads and the carbon footprint of their staff.
We have learned to appreciate the present. To live in the moment as everything else is too uncertain. Everyone is living on the same terms. 🌍
Personally we’ve learned to appreciate each other again and communicate clearly as we have had time to spend together. We can see what makes the other tick, what triggers and argument and we can stop it in its tracks with a laugh or a shrug of the shoulders saying here we go again. Through writing this I have expressed my daily feelings in a way that shows how erratic they are, how quick they are to flare up to anxious, fever pitch but most importantly how virtually none of it is Craig’s fault. He doesn’t have to second guess everything. He can just read it if he didn’t already know it. 🤣🤣🤣
I have learned to slow down, to watch the world move on through different eyes. To watch my handsome husband and smile realising he’s mine, to walk 3 Border Collies without them pulling on the lead, to value the endless movie nights, the takeaways and the connections with others. I hope that the world will be a better place as a result.
However, we have to remember that we have been untouched by this deadly virus. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We are very lucky.
The UK have lost 44,131 souls to COVID-19 officially but there is evidence that the number of excess deaths for this year far exceeds that. Scotland stands at 2,488 people so far.
England is seeing a surge in new cases, particularly in London where the R rate is creeping above 1. For everyone one person infected at least one other person catches it. There seemed no doubt this would be the case as the amount of protests and large gatherings threw people together at a time when we were still meant to be 2m apart. It’s easy for me to sit here smugly and be happy that our lockdown isn’t as loose as England’s, that our government is being more strict.
I am nervous of normal returning as I had stepped back from normal for a good year or so. This is my new normal and I love it!!
It’s all about how you look at it… I was walking along thinking this is miserable, cold and wet, must be crazy being out in this when I saw a neighbour in Reek Street and he said “good weather for ducks!” 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆 that really made me smile as I’ve not heard that in years!! Splashed through all the puddles in my wellies from then on! 😆
Came home from dog walk and did a poop scoop as I was soaked anyway…. thought it would be a good idea to do it before the bins go out. Got the grey bin ready and took it round the front…. it’s Friday…. grey bin doesn’t go out until Tuesday……. wtf 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣🤣🤣 my brain is frazzled today as it’s been such a busy week. Not busy in the sense of how busy I used to be… but very busy for me. I did another 2 Pawsitive Solution calls today… the first was dreadful… it was like putting the wheelie bin out 4 days early! Nothing flowed…. but the second was great.
So now I am wrapped in my crocheted blanket with my feet up in front of the fire. I plan not to move until bedtime!
Thanks again to everyone for sticking with this everyday. It means a lot!
Stay safe everyone ❤️💜❤️ here’s to the next 100 days and who knows what they might bring?!? X