Well…. 10 days since I was last at work and it does feel like I’ve been off forever.
I’ve been all over the place this week.
I am completely off kilter.
Spinning on the wrong axis.
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
My teeth are on edge.
My jaw is clenched.
I’ve felt squeamish.
I’ve a thumping headache.
My body is telling me something needs to change and try as I might, I can’t get to the answer.
I feel lost.
I’m SOOOOOOO DISAPPOINTED in myself.
Raging at the state I’ve got myself into.
This is the worst I have felt in a long time.
It’s all caused by me in my own head.
I’ve not been able to get out of it at all.
My head is full of noise.
I preach about living in the present moment but the present moment has me raging.
I’ve been so bored but not wanted to do anything.
The noise in my head is incessant.
There’s a very angry voice in there screaming at the injustice of it all.
You think you’re better do you? Ah well, we’ll show you….
Nothing gives me peace.
I couldn’t even drive to the beach today as I had a million reasons why that wasn’t a good idea.
I just need a minute out of my own head.
When Craig asks how I feel, I want to lie to him to pretend it’s all ok. He’s no daft. He knows fine well. It makes for a pretty rotten holiday for him too.
I hope this will pass once I get back to a routine.
The long and short of it is, if I lived by myself I’d rent out or sell everything and go travel the world.
I obviously can’t do that and need to find some way of making peace with it.
We had a good chat today about me trying to book some weekend breaks away. I need to try something to see if that helps. When they are places that Craig wants to go then he might come too.
Thanks Anne for this!
I want to appreciate every single day. I write a blog that documents my day and when I do nothing it feels like a waste.
I’m not rested because I haven’t taken the time to rest. I have wittered away to myself the whole time. Put myself through turmoil.
And with that… I’m gonna shut up now as I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.
Here’s to a week of peace…. 🤞🏼
I’m off to do a mediation.
Oh and it’s been beautiful weather all day! Sunshine at last!
I finished Bridgerton last night and headed through to be about 9ish. It was still very light outside.
Woke at 5.36am and remembered it was Father’s Day so I did a Scottish Dog Behaviourist FB post for all the dog dads out there and most of all, our very own dog dad.
He’s on his way home from Berlin, flying about 5ish tonight. I can only imagine the mayhem in this house when he walks back through the door, the dogs will be SO excited to see him!!! I might try and video it for his page.
So we’ve had a lovely, lazy day today… peppered with the remaining tidying and cleaning that needs doing.
It’s 3.40pm at time of writing and it’s rained all day. It’s not heavy, it’s just relentless!
We got wet on the dog walk at 8am but never saw another soul.
When we first moved in to the village, this little patch of land had tiny tulips and daffodils and it was always really pretty and I stopped to admire it.
It’s totally different now they the owner of the house died, but I thought it looked so lovely this morning, full of wildflowers. (I can hear Craig shouting WEEDS but I don’t care. I loved it. 😆)
I know I’ve done this before but this gives you an idea of how many times they swap around. It always makes me smile.
When I came home I started work on tidying and cleaning the last of the things I hadn’t done Friday and Saturday.
The house feels so good, I’m so glad I took all that time to do it.
It still needs painted but I know how much cleaner it is now.
Of course today it’s wet and we have muddy paws back on the clean floors but that’s ok…. We do have to live here.
Thankfully Craig is only bringing back one small hand luggage rucksack so there won’t be a mountain of washing.
I’ve been meaning to work on a Mel Robbins “Make it Happen” training course for months now. I sat down at my desk in the bedroom and watched training #1.
I feel really stuck just now, I know I want to move forward but I don’t quite now how, or what with. This gave me a chance to rate all aspects of my life like a fuel tank… from empty and depleted to full of fuel and highly motivated.
I was very pleased to see that I wasn’t at empty in all aspects of life. If I’d done this pre 2018, before I went off sick, I’d have been empty for everything.
She likens it to a row of dominoes but you are the domino sitting out in the front, stagnant and too far away from the rest of the dominoes, to make any difference. The desire is there to move forward but you need a push.
Training #2 will show us how to get moving. I haven’t done that yet as they were released a week apart, so I will hold onto that one for a bit.
I think it’s good to reflect on how you feel about life. It’s worth doing just for that. You have to print out a workbook and fill it in. It took me just over an hour but I enjoyed it.
I’ve realised that I take on a lot of other people’s energies and I needed time to reset and refocus.
I have been in absolute silence for the weekend, apart from Bridgerton on the TV both nights. When Craig is here, he always has podcasts playing or the TV on, we just have different ways of relaxing.
I worry about things that I cannot change.
I worry about money.
I worry about things that are not mine to worry about.
It’s been nice to spend a weekend detached from that.
I’ve missed him being here…. Today has seemed like a long day without him being around.
I’ve also done a bit of work on manifesting financial freedom. I’ve said often that I walked away from a senior management job and am lucky enough to still live in the same house without having to sell up as a result. I am going to focus on the positives and realise that money comes from so many other places than just where we think it comes from. We’ve had a lot of expense of late and that takes its toll. It you continue to focus on lack then you will experience more lack. I am going to focus on abundance and be grateful for all that I have.
All these words sound great, I need to put them into practice.
I feel like I’ve been on a health and wellness weekend just with some dog walks thrown in!! 😂😂
Oh I did phone the emergency vet at 5.45am….. I’ve been worried that Khaleesi hasn’t been drinking water since he’s been away.
Every time I try and give her some she turns away. I figured she hadn’t really drunk anything in the whole time that I was solely I charge and I panicked. That’s what woke me.
The vet was lovely and said “we loved Khaleesi” as soon as she realised who I was.
She said to add some water in with her dinner, which I’d actually done last night. She said that dogs in cones, often protest in one way or another. The fact that’s she eating and going to the toilet normally, means all is ok.
We should keep an eye on it and make sure there’s no listlessness or runs.
There’s a lovely sentence to end the blog with… 😂
Hope you’ve all had a great weekend.
Happy Father’s Day to my lovely Dad.
Looking forward to seeing Mum and Dad for a trip to Dumfries House next weekend!
Who’d a thunk it, as my lovely Gran would have said?! 💜
1500 days of writing an almost daily blog. Only interrupted by the odd bad life event and lack of signal on holidays last year.
I have learned so much about myself… the main thing being that when I set my mind to something, I really seem to stick to it.
I have staying power. who knew?!?
After going off sick in September 2018, with anxiety which sank into depression, I’ve been on a journey of self discovery and healing.
It hasn’t always been pretty.
In fact, at times it’s been pretty ugly.
In March 2020 I started to write a daily blog to keep a record of life in Scottish COVID-19 lockdown
So as I do on the big number days, I’ll have a quick round up of my stats.
1971 without alcohol
1371 without anti depressants
567 on HRT
513 fasting
Look how many units of alcohol I haven’t drunk!!!
I need to manage everything that goes into my life, to ensure that I give myself the best chance of peace and happiness.
This has lead to my love of day trips, exploring and re-igniting my love of travel.
There are days where this is absolutely a travel blog…. I feel for the lovely people I meet on trips, that join the blog and within days get the woe-is-me-I’m-crying-again blog. 🤦🏻♀️😂
I always promised I would try to be as honest as I can. The hard days really hurt and I have to show incredible vulnerability.
I just hope that someone reads this and realises it ok not to always be ok.
I think we all show the best of our lives on social media, and for some reason I am driven to show you the bad bits too.
I have no idea why I feel a calling to do this but I do. I’ve always said if I can help one person then it will have been worth it.
Also, selfishly, it allows me to process my daily mood swings.
I now know exactly what makes me tick.
I know that I need alone time to refocus.
I need silence to clear my noisy mind.
I need to control what I read, what I hear and quite honestly, who I listen to and who I spend my time with.
I need to surround myself with people who are good for my soul. People who bring out the best in me.
I love talking to strangers as you only get the best from them. So many strangers inspire me.
I avoid people who only talk negatively about others, as I find that drains on my energy.
I can read between the lines and trust my intuition implicitly.
You hurt me and I remember it for too long.
I hurt you and I never forgive myself, but I recognise that I have to do what’s right for me, and put myself first. I feel shame and forgive myself in cycles. I think of you often but I know that my life is better for me, this way.
I try not to talk about other people, I correct myself if I do, I try to see the best in situations and understand why people may act how they act.
I still get angry and blow my stack when things don’t go the way I think they should. I cringe at that but I recognise I do it because I care.
Hats what makes me tick.
I am incredibly empathetic but, finally, no longer put other people’s needs before my own.
That helps me too.
My life will always be a work in progress. (That’s a daft thing to say as everyone’s is… 😂😂 but you know what I mean!)
I have accepted who I am now.
I am proud of who I’ve become.
I still get upset on the down days (ironic!) but I mean that I beat myself up for it. I still have work to do on that.
So to everyone who’s been with me from the very start, for those who are just new, to those who dip in and out, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It means the world when you connect with me, when you comment or message or tell me how you feel, or how you connect with what I’ve written.
I got the first EXCELLENT from Fitbit! That shows the power of kinesiology too. It takes all the stress from you. Such a blessing.
I’ve been good today, I’ve been much calmer and more direct I think, rather than internally blowing my stack and keeping it to myself. I’ve said what I’m thinking….
Its also the busiest day so I will have to make this a quickie tonight.
I’m off across the road to get my hair cut in Elaine’s Gatden Room. I got vouchers for Christmas and usually only get my hair cut twice a year but it’s getting really straggly just now so I think I need something different… she says…. TRIM…. Will come out my mouth no doubt! 💇🏻♀️😂
Then… my friend Evelyn and I are off over to the village hall for a psychic night…. 😬
I have only ever been to something like that once so don’t really know what to expect. It’s to support the hall though so I thought I’d go. I’m always the one who says no to everything. 2024 is going to be different. Again.. she says… 😂😘
Here’s some lovely things I read this morning that made me smile.
All of them make sense to me given my mood over the last few weeks. I knew I was creating the noise by myself but I couldn’t seem to stop it without Kinesiology. Here was me thinking I had “graduated”…. I was just on a break.
So all calm today which is so lovely after the noise.
I’m off to Edinburgh tomorrow for Auntie Marion’s 70th birthday lunch and then staying over with Mum for her birthday lunch on Saturday. I have the gifts all ready thanks to the little gift shop but I’ve not packed a thing…. Guess who will be up early tomorrow morning?!?!
Have a great Thursday night and here’s hoping the psychic night doesn’t spook me too much 😂
I’m so grateful to be sleeping despite all this anxiety. Another good night.
I had a really lovely evening it myself last night and even drank a WHOLE bottle of alcohol free Rosé! Decadent huh?! It was super chill and relaxed. It helped my head.
I woke feeling brighter this morning, a sliver of hope that the worst may have passed. I spend a bit of time on my phone looking for positivity and I got hit between the eyes with it…. Here are a few to share.
I hear ya…
If there’s no joy then time is covering up the present moment. That’s exactly what I’m doing just now, I’m panicking about time passing me by… not focussing on the moment st hand.
All I am focussing on are the problems, I can’t see beyond them to the possibilities but I can see that today….
And this…… this will be the year.
I had an ok day today. The sun shone outside and it was cold but lovely. I came home and walked Calaidh and Freya… it was a lovely end to the day… I chatted to mum.
then… I made dinner… another Green Chef vegan delivery… mushroom “shepherds” pie.
It was really super tasty.
So it’s late before I sit down but I’ve emptied and refilled the dishwasher too. It’s the first time I’ve felt like doing anything in the evening and it feels good.
Sometimes the day numbers really make me stop and think about how many blogs I have actually written! I’ve started going onto my website www.theramblingsloth.com and reading some of my old posts. It’s like they’ve been written by someone else. She makes me laugh sometimes 😂😂
Anyhoo….. there is precious little to say today other than I am very appreciative of life at the moment.
It’s been another freezing cold, beautiful sunny day. The drive to work was even more special today. I was earlier than I had been the last few days and yet the sky was more pretty.
Work was good and I had to be home for Kinesiology and I’ve “graduated” again…. I’ve decided that I don’t need to book a further session just now as I finally feel like my ducks are almost in a row.
This ♥️
I have always been a person who lived in the future…. While feeing sad and regretting my past.
My life isn’t perfect at the moment. Things still go wrong. I still overreact. I still plan for the worst case scenario sometimes.
I laugh as I leave work in the morning with the biggest bag. I have shoes to change into in case it rains and a big coat, hat and gloves in case it gets even colder. I mean there’s no such things as being caught out is there?!?! 🤦🏻♀️😂
In the last week or so I have felt an overwhelming calm.
I am content.
I am happy.
I’m sure Percy the Devil will fart in my face once again for that comment…. 😂😂 Blackadder reference 😂😂 but hey, it’s true.
When I remebered I had kinesiology tonight, I couldn’t think of one thing to talk about. If I scraped the bottom of the barrel, it would be feeling anxious about walking 3 dogs at once, sometimes.
So I’m exhausted after my session tonight, it’s amazing what comes up when you think you have nothing.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without my Health Kinesiology sessions. It’s been my lifeline over the last 5 years. Thanks to the lovely Shelagh and Angela for their direction and guidance. ♥️
So yeah…. Excited to see what the future holds. It’s always there for me if I need it.
I went in to work early today as it’s financial year end and I need to have all invoices reconciled by Tuesday. Was in for about 7.20 and didn’t get away until 4.20pm…. Did I get my reconciliation finished?!? Eh, naw! of course I didn’t.
I have to say, the old me would have stayed until yon time tonight to get it all finished. The new me might still do that on Monday night but I have two days to get it finished.
I love doing the reconciliation but I put EVERYTHING else before it today… then got really antsy that I couldn’t get to it.
I quickly catch thoughts that don’t serve me. It’s ok that a part of me feels this way. I joyfully release the thoughts and embrace the positive.
Anyway, I’ll get it done… because I have to. 😂
I have been ravenous for food today. My fasting really tested me today…. I’d drank a lot more water than usual and none of it was ever enough. I caved 15 minutes before lunch and then I was sooooo lucky as Ellison brought soup and a buttered roll, for lunch, again. I loved it!! I was still trying to get my hands on as much food for the rest of the day. Funny how some days are like that.
Check the colour of the sky when I left work tonight. It was SO dark!! It hasn’t rained yet but it really looked like it was going to.
I’ve been listening to an amazing podcast that Angela, my Health Kinesiologist, recommended. I’ll post a link to it. It’s called Diary of a CEO (which is not a pleasant thought for me as it’s a kick back to the old world) but, Steven Bartlett talks to Dr Tara Swart about how stress is contagious and can cause belly fat!! I could listen to Dr Tara Swart for hours as she has a lovely voice with clear explanations.
It’s really eye opening and shows how much we need human contact and how we sync in with each other. I’m fascinated by it. It’s a long one but well worth a listen.
So nothing much else to report. Still feeling a bit meh with no real words of wisdom. I think everyone is feeling the change of season as the nights start to draw in.
Oh I did order some lovely new bedding as a wee treat.
I usually spend £20 on our duvet covers as we have soooo many dogs, it’s impossible to keep anything good…. But these are GOOD ONES… as my Nana would say. Such a difference to sleep in a quality duvet. I also got a new actual duvet at the same time as ours was a good few years old. It was in desperate need of replacement!!
So I’m off to Largs tonight to see Beith Young Farmers Show. Louise next door is in it. I need to get up off the couch and get moving shortly!
Jeez… I’m starting every blog with that these days.
My miracle Rocket Fuel doesn’t seem to be half as effective today.
I was in bed for 8pm last night… up at 10.22pm, then 12.26am then 1.58am. I couldn’t breathe and my sinuses are booming. I’m taking paracetamol today too.
I feel really dizzy and lightheaded as my ears really badly need to pop.
So once again I’ve got plenty work done but today has definitely been way more of a slog. I’ve got a head full of cotton wool, my muscles ache and I feel really stiff. Shoot me now!
So today is World Menopause Day 2023.
Menopause wise things are going ok. I’m still perimenopausal and have another 12 months to wait to see if I’m menopausal.
I’ve been on HRT for a year now. No follow up with the doctor, kind of feel they just leave you to get on with it. I definitely think I’m better for it though. I would recommend it to anyone, I’m definitely more in control of my emotions than I was. I know I still have bad days, but I don’t know that they are any worse than many other people.
Does seem a bit unfair that I feel so stiff at times when I’m on HRT but hey, it is what it is.
World Menopause Day is to raise awareness but once again it’s not really had on any impact in n my day today.
The ivy had almost gone due to the wind that’s picking up outside just now. There’s a storm due tonight but it’s not as windy as I expected it to be.
Wait until you see the size of the leaves.
Such beautiful colours.
It’s so sad to see how quickly it goes. That will be it until next year now.
Time flies so quickly. I can’t believe it’s mid October 2023 already. 🤦🏻♀️😂
Anyhoo, I’m off to feel sorry for myself and have another early night.
It’s the 10th October which means it’s World Mental Health Day.
Is also already 8pm and I wish I’d prepared more for today, given the original reason for the Rambling Sloth.
These World Day’s do raise awareness but my experience is that it hasn’t really changed anything. Mental Health, in my humble opinion, is still dreadfully misunderstood and underrated.
If I cast my mind back to World Mental Health Day 2018….. I had been off sick from my senior management role for about 5 weeks. I’d been crumbling for a very long time. World Mental Health Day 2018 passed by without any big bang. Nothing. I was hanging by a thread and my work were doing a whole week of promotion about mental health. Everyone’s desktop had been changed to advertise it. I was in the house a broken wreck. It was still classed as an embarrassment. Shame. She couldn’t cope. Fell apart. People didn’t contact me or know what to say to me. That’s not fair, some did but what I meant is that it needs to be more than just a DAY and just a box ticking exercise. Businesses need to take this seriously. I took this selfie to remember one day, how badly I felt. My eyes are dead. I was so very sad, I could barely remember to clean my teeth.
There is a very good chance that what happened to me could have been due to peri-menopause. I will never truly know that.
It is what it is and I don’t have any anger left about it. I now see that I was very lucky to have experienced anxiety and depression as it’s shown me a new meaning to life. I have highs and lows but I genuinely appreciate life in the present moment. That’s huge given that I used to live my life in fear. No more.
When you are at your lowest ebb, your mind can play tricks on you. You feel so bad that you think life is pointless. You feel like you are a burden as you are sick of the thoughts inside your head. Despite wonderful family and friends, you feel like you have nowhere to turn. You can’t possibly tell them how bad you feel every time they ask. You begin to think the world would be better off without you in it. I felt like that in this photo.
You would never know. I took this photo so I could remind myself how I felt. I can actually feel a few tears welling up at the thought.
This is hard for me to revisit but I want every one to see these. (I’ve maybe shared this before) There is no obvious sign that anything is wrong. You have no idea how bad someone close to you may feel. People hide it very well. I couldn’t tell anyone for some time after as I realised how dreadful and dramatic and OTT it sounded but it’s genuinely how I felt. We took this photo an hour after. Even I think I look lovely but inside I was very depressed. I couldn’t imagine a future.
So please be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what they may be struggling with.
If you feel low just now, know that it will get better, life will improve, even if it feels hopeless right now. You have to fight for yourself. You have to find money to pay for any treatment you can get. I’ve had counselling, Health Kinesiology and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve spent thousands of pounds that we didn’t really have but I needed to. I’ve met some amazing people along the way. These people become your people.
Fight for yourself. Never give up fighting. You deserve to feel better. And you will. just take each day at a time and know that tomorrow is a new day.
Another great sleep but awake at 5am… on a Saturday dammit. I tried to go back to sleep for 2 hours but it wasn’t happening! I finally got up at 7am.
We sat and had a coffee then I got ready to take the dogs out.
It’s actually a lovely morning. It’s warm and sunny… I didn’t realise.
These cows were watching us! 🐮🐮🐮
Lovely blue sky 💙
Big shadows this morning!
The cow guy was making some noise as we walked towards it! went silent for the photo!
Scary moo coo.
So when I got back I got straight into the gardening. I didn’t plan to do any, and the forecast was for rain all day. Thought I may as well be outside since it was warm and dry.
It was proper back breaking stuff. Trying to take as many roots out of the ground as I could. I even moved some plants around, which I may regret, but, the garden at the bottom was very congested. If the moved plants take up the top then great but if not, you couldn’t see them anyway.
When we first moved in here, the back of the garden was fully overgrown. We paid to have it cleared and then put bark down.
Big mistake.
That’s not fair actually, it served its purpose at the time but bark eventually mulches down and becomes mud. We’ve added layer upon layer of bark in order to dry up the mud, but it keeps mulching down.
We have decided to do away with the bark but it’s slow progress. Hoping for as much free artificial grass as we can get.
I found a path that we covered up and have been digging that back out.
It’s slow progress as I get sore hands and arms…. And I do get bored with it!
I’ve been thinking for a good few weeks that I must get back to exercise. I feel guilty for not doing any and I have sag where I haven’t sagged for years.
I need to remember that the dog walk and a full workout in the garden count too! It was a hard slog.
I had a shower and washed mud out my hair and came back out to sit and let my hair dry.
I am shattered. I am silent. I’m not gonna give you the chat of your life tonight. (Think Craig has sussed this already)
I am beyond calm.
I am thinking of nothing. Maybe a nap would have been a good idea.
This is not the best photo but it shows where I was working today.
Another broken nights sleep…. I’m off the Progesterone for two weeks so it could be that. I say broken nights sleep, it’s just unsettled, I am certainly not awake all night. I just don’t feel very refreshed when I wake up.
In other menopausal news…. I know you love it…. 😳🤦🏻♀️😂 The old time of the month came sauntering back along after 4 months of absolutely nothing.
Now I should say here, around this time, I used to say it was the one day of the month that I should have taken off sick. I was always a nightmare, very tearful, anxious, fearful, ready to fly into a rage. Also used to have crippling stomach cramp. I remember my poor Grandpa being sent to pick me up from University when it was so bad…. We didn’t discuss it at all, as that wasn’t the done thing, at all, but I got into bed when I got to my Gran’s, with a hot water bottle and painkillers to sleep it off. I also remember hugging a kettle in one job to try and ease the pain… as you do.
This month I would like to report that I’ve been positively angelic. 😇
It’s so nice for me to be able to see these changes and appreciate how far I have come.
So work was the usual very busy today…. I’ve only had a 3 day week so it’s flown by…. But I’ve been ok again today. Handled anything thrown at me. Again, lovely to have some days like that and not overreact to things that shouldn’t be overreacted to!
I had a Harmony massage booked with Norma straight after work. I soooo needed it. It’s only a half hour but I could have stayed the night! I feel all sleepy and chilled and relaxed now.
Norma is so good and really works her magic.
A quiet night for me tonight… I think the amount I am yawning it might be a very early night!!
What a beautiful day today. It’s been sunny and warm which has been lovely. I was able to wear my shorts to work and not freeze.
I’m sitting outside writing this. It’s windy but warm enough.
I had another amazing sleep but when I woke I wanted to just stay in bed and had to talk myself into moving… to be fair, I had to 😆 but I was super positive. I kept saying “you’ve got this and today is what you make it, it’s going to be a wonderful day and you’ll get loads done”.
It ran around my head like a mantra and I smiled every time I thought it. Which was a lot.
The morning went slowly as I started on all the things that needed doing. I was clear and focussed and pleased with my progress. All the while, massively proud of my positivity.
The day is what we make it.
Then I saw my lovely friend Isy posted this.
A major shift in consciousness…. Wow. I love when something like this clicks with me.
Things happened that weren’t what I wanted to hear but I took a deep breath and got on with them. I did what needed doing. Still smiling. Proud of my lack of Julie style reaction.
I can’t pinpoint when it actually went wrong but I became overwhelmed with everything coming at me in the afternoon.
My list long out the window. All the while everything that’s happening is just adding to the list. I’m no longer in control, I don’t have time to write things down before I move on to the next.
I should say here, as I always do, that NONE of these things are the end of the world. It’s my fight or flight reactions that make them the end of the world in my head. Nothing is insurmountable (I’ve used that recently 🙄) but it’s true, I know that.
Yet I get ratty, defensive, put myself down to anyone who will listen and worst of all… laugh at myself for being so cocky in the morning. “”yeah right, you think you’ve got it sussed, you’ll never have it sussed”. I speak to myself in a way I’d never speak to my worst enemy.
I have to take Abbie the camper van to the garage to get a once over before she sells. I’m not happy with the steering and think she needs a new power steering pump though hoping it’s less than that.
I left the garage without a lift home and felt all tearful and angry as I left. I suppose it’s understandable really but I feel like a wee kid who needs to have a tantrum. I’m full of pent up irritation and anger, all of it unfounded. I’ve become irritated with anything that doesn’t go my way. Tasks that a few Friday’s ago I was positively bursting to tick off my list are creating anger and frustration as I can’t possibly imagine how I’ll be able to fit that into my busy schedule.
Again, lets have a laugh at that…. My busy schedule sees me sitting with my feet up in front of the tv most nights so I’m hardly rushed off my feet.
So thankfully Gayle agreed to come and pick me up after work and I sat on a kerb at the high school car park for a while. That helped me breath a bit more freely. She then made me laugh in the car which really helped.
Honestly my teeth are crawling in the back of my mouth right now….. I messaged Angela, my kinesiolgist, to pull forward next weeks’ appointment and she can see me at 7.30pm. This stuff works wonders for me and I know I’ll feel better when I’ve talked it through. I feel better writing it down too.
I always vow when I’m like this, that I’ll never feel like this again and yet it keeps coming at me. I wish I could just let the bad feelings go but I hold onto them, swing around on them and get irritated by how they make me feel. Maybe that’s what I need to work on tonight.
Sorry…. I hear myself. I had such a lovely Sunday. I need to hold on to that…. Which means more photos!!!
Passing the Tall Ship on the Clyde.
On our way… Craig took this!
The Renfrew Ferry jetty. This is the only Clyde ferry that still operates across edge 200m river. The Captain said it was very popular with pedestrians.
Heading to the Erskine Bridge.
The Glen Sannox, CalMac ferry still under construction.
The Cloch Lighthouse.
Dolphins…. Honestly! 😂
Millpond.
I’ll leave it there for now. still millions more to share 🙄
I’ve been in bed most of the day. I’m not sick I’m just so lethargic.
The Scottish Dog Behaviourist set his alarm for 5am. Today was my only day off without an alarm. I tried to go back to sleep but got up at 5.45am. I’m very quiet, definitely not full of chat.
I headed out with the puppers at 6.30am!!
The forecast is for rain all day again, but it’s dry for now, though much cooler than yesterday. It is, however, only 6.30am 😂 when was the last time I was out in a T-shirt at that time of the morning?!
I didn’t run as much today. More of a flat footed fast walk at times.
It’s what I call a watery sun this morning. Looks like it will rain heavily soon.
I think that shot is pretty impressive when you consider I have 3 excited Border Collies in one hand 😂 desperate to get off on their walk!
Quite liked the wee thistley things, as you can tell as there are two photos.
“Whatcha stopping for now mumma?!? Awwww there are sheep-y-mehs in here!!”
I dragged the 3 of them past the meadow garden, just to see how it’s coming along.
It’s much the same but still very pretty.
It’s very unassuming behind this gate!
Back home and I sat about for a bit. It’s only 7.30am so I headed back to bed until just before 10am. I was woken up but the dogs doing a proper wolf howl after Craig left the house!!
I didn’t know where to put myself. Didn’t have the energy to do anything but couldn’t think of the kind of nothing I wanted to do. 🤦🏻♀️😂
I came outside for a poo pick and suddenly found myself weeding the very overgrown garden! As you do.
It was a tough slog and I felt a bit lightheaded at times. There are still a lot of very tough weeds but I really broke the back of it. There are some plants that ended up going too but Craig really doesn’t like this part of the garden so I did what he wanted me to do rather than what I would have done. It’s easier to clear it all than clear bits of it.
I asked him to bring a KFC Boneless Bucket home. Lethargy craves junk.
As soon as I ate it, I went for a shower then back up to bed for another 2.5 hours!!
I tried to read a book that Evelyn lent me but was out for the count. I haven’t needed this much sleep in ages.
I’m super silent in my head. I’m calm, there is nothing to worry about, nothing I can’t blog about, Craig and I haven’t fallen out, I’m just hiding in silence which I know sounds weird but I must need it for some reason. I maybe need some kind of recovery from the crazy histrionics mid week. Hard work this over analysis! 🫣🥱😂
I’m back out in the garden, jammies on hoping no one from the pub looks over the fence. I have one boob under each arm pit, as you do when your my age and braless. 😂 I could sit here all night.
The rain never came.
Check out our hydrangea bush. I tried to get it all in the photo!
It’s really beautiful.
I’ve had a wee play with the puppers to get some jumping shots!
A couple of them you have to click on the pic to get a full view but I’m sure you get the gist.
So a day of a whole lot of nothing and I could go back to bed and sleep some more. I might just do that.
Getting up some energy from my full day on the PS Waverley tomorrow which I’m super excited about… in a quiet, tired kinda way!
The forecast was for rain in and off all day today….. it’s been lovely and warm, so sunny and Ellison and I got a seat out at lunchtime again, which is always lovely. It breaks up the day and it’s especially nice after all the rain we’ve been having.
The forecasts seem all over the place these days.
I’m shattered today. I’m sitting outside in the garden and it’s 5.15pm and the sun is hot. There’s a strong wind but it’s not cold.
And relax.
I’m yawning my head off…. 🥱🥱🥱
It’s been a really busy day today. I didn’t get anything done in any order. There was no control today, no process, I just had to jump from thing to thing and try and write notes so that by a Monday, I have half a clue about what has happened. I had tears before 8.30am over something that was really nothing…. When I write it down it sound so ridiculous, so pathetic…. We keep getting the wrong windows delivered and last night it happened again. It’s not my fault but I feel wholly responsible. I don’t know why I take these things so personally. Even when I find out what happened and how it happened, I still feel to blame and that I should have done something differently. I hate letting other people down.
When does this self flagellation ever end?!? (I have a wry smile when I say that’s flagellation and not flatulation…trying to make light of the situation…)
Anyhow, the rest of the day was much better, just busy. We’ve ordered a Chinese for dinner as I have no energy for cooking. I think I need to get up and at it with a dog jog tomorrow. This lethargy needs nipped in the bud. tonight I need to rest…. A lazy evening with a takeaway and a movie sounds like just the ticket.
It’s funny how some days this all just flows on past like it doesn’t matter and other days I choose to wallow in it. The voice in my head, tells me I’m not good enough, that’ll teach me for having such a great start to the week…. And then I beat myself for my overreaction and so it goes on.
So I’m just gonna sit back and chill and enjoy the lovely evening.
I’m back in The little gift shop tomorrow so that will be lovely and I have my big adventure on the Paddle Steamer Waverley on Sunday which I’m super excited about!! The weather looks promising which will just be amazing.
I have everything crossed. 🚢🚢
The clouds are really wispy but it’s just so lovely to see the 💙 sky! This is my view just now!
So much to be grateful for! Hope Craig thinks that after an evening with me 🥱😂😘
Another Friday off and another list of things ticked. I’m really enjoying super productive Fridays!!
I didn’t feel great when I woke up this morning…. Sore throat and headache. I got up to the loo and cooried back down into bed…. Thinking I could just lie there all day.
I knew I had loads to do and loads I really wanted to get done.
I got my running stuff on and took the dogs out for dog jog, first time since last weekend. I felt rotten to start, I had a shooting pain up my leg almost willing me not to jog. Yet I started to run and managed a fair bit of the way. I get so much better for it. I felt spurred on for the rest of the day!
I know that I’ve been feeling lethargic due to very little exercise. Despite fasting and breaking my fasts with lovely salads, I have eaten a fair bit of rubbish in between. It’s the first time in about 6 months that I’ve actually felt a bit bloated. Seems a tad unfair after a 19 hour and 45 minute fast today. 🤦🏻♀️😂😘 but hey it’s just a bloat day. If there is such a thing 🤷🏻♀️😂
So I have been like a wummin possessed today.
I have emptied Abbie the Campervan… seven huge bags full of stuff! Bet that wasn’t great for fuel economy?!
Also cleaned everything apart from washing the outside. I scrubbed, hoovered, dusted and polished and she’s probably cleaner than she’s ever been… and definitely emptier.
That took me until about lunchtime when I moved into the house and started hoovering, dusting and polishing inside.
I washed and dried all the blankets from the couches in the living room. It’s actually been a beautiful day today, unexpectedly.
I’m sitting outside in shorts writing this at 5pm. I’m shattered.
When Craig came home from work he brought in a parcel that arrived for him, started to unwrap it. I told him he’d better tell me how lovely the house looked pretty damn sharpish. 😂 it’s the first time we’ve seen the dining table this week since he unceremoniously dumped his wedding outfit on it last Saturday night!!! He said, of course he’d noticed…. Hmmm I’m not so sure!!
Check his wee face as he’s bought a new toy and didn’t tell me. “Hi julesie….” Big grin.
Anyway he took me out to The Canny Man for lunch which is just 5 minutes down the road. It was worth him feeling guilty to get me a late lunch out.
He had haggis balls in a peppercorn sauce to start.
With both had Salt and Chilli Chicken Burger for mains.
And I had a Caramel and Chocolate Sundae for dessert!
I enjoyed it despite my itchy nose!!
I am so tempted to go for a nap now but the sun feels lovely on my skin. What a beautiful day it turned out to be.
Oh well, what little peace I have is being interrupted…. Seems it might be puppy dinner time… feed me she says!!
We finally got home around 1.20am yesterday and straight to bed. It’s 13.55 and I’ve done nothing except sleep and edit some photos to send to Elly.
What an amazing wedding!!! Elly had planned it to a T and the entertainment at dinner was just outstanding. 😋
There was a guy playing the piano all through the day and by the main course, we were all singing along to his well known tunes. It was lovely to hear one table start to sing and others quietly join in… as the meal went on, the singing got louder and it was just a lovely atmosphere.
Then all of a sudden a “waiter” drops a tray of cutlery… (just as dessert is being served!) pics up a mic and starts singing opera, as he walked around the room. The atmosphere was electric. Then a second “waiter” joins in with some more recent hits and they ended with Nessun Dorma and my skin is in goosebumps even now, writing about it.
It was just spectacular!!! Unlike anything I’ve ever seen before and it was truly one of the best weddings I’ve ever been too.
The food was exceptional too. I had Goats Cheese Tart to start, with a chicken and haggis in a cream sauce for mains and Sticky Toffee pudding with white chocolate profiteroles for dessert. It was expertly served and piping hot.
There was the best sweetie table at night which was literally the gift that kept on giving!
If you read yesterday’s blog you would have realised what an amazing day it was! But…. Never start a sentence with but…. in true Julie fashion there was an undercurrent of unrest. 😬
I didn’t feel anywhere near as comfortable as I may have looked.
First things first.
I wasn’t 100% in my £26 outfit from top to toe. I’d been so proud of that in the run up. Less so, on the day. Everyone looked so stunning, they’d either had makeup or hair done, I just felt a bit “hame-knitted” as my Grandad used to say… roughly translating as a bit thrown together. Now… I’m not saying this so you tell me how lovely I looked… it’s not about what anyone says, this is about how I feel and how I make sense of it. 😬
Secondly, it is my choice to be sober… if you want to call it that. I don’t like the person that I become when I drank alcohol. My relationship with Craig is way better with me off the booze. My life is calmer, more predictable, easier.
That does not mean that it’s easy.
It’s bloody hard at times and that was my first sober full day wedding. I’ve learned to get through social occasions with 0% alcohol free drinks because it makes me feel the same as everyone else, for some reason. Go figure.
As I write that I think for gods sake, stop being such a child…. but there’s a huge market of 0% drinks out there and I just thought there would be more choice. Was I jealous of everyone else drinking… maybe? Did I feel left out… well, yes… my choice but still tough.
I was offered Heineken 0% beer or Seedlip and I didn’t want either of them. I didn’t want to stand with a beer as I’ve never been fan of beer….. I did take a Seedlip but it’s not my favourite. 😬
I reckon that I’ve always felt a little awkward in big social situations. You wouldn’t think that if you’ve been with me (well except for yesterday maybe 😂😂😂) I think drink used to help me feel more confident. For some reason 0.% fizz, wine or gin gives me that same confidence. Ridiculous really.
I know I over chatted on this. I know I kept going on about it. When you struggle to make conversation, you go to the easiest thing. 🤷🏻♀️ I do anyway. I know it was not what anyone wanted to hear. I think it’s fair to say if you do still drink, you don’t really understand what the fuss is about 0%.
I went to reception to ask if they could get me anything else. Yup, I was that person… Offered to pay for full bottles and corkage if need be. The bar manager was lovely and got on the case.
I’ve written about this in the alcohol free FB group that I am joint admin for. A good few of the members agree that they’ve felt the same in similar situations. Getting on a “high horse” about the lack of options. We feel hard done to as a group. It’s still not socially acceptable to be a non drinker at a drinking function. The assumption by bar staff that Coke and Irn Bru are non alcoholic drinks.
I feel VERY uncomfortable writing about this but my head needs to let it out. I cannot tell you enough how wonderful the wedding was. ♥️ This is so just going on in my head and unfortunately, for the few who had to listen, spilling out my mouth.
By dinner I had settled into my Appletiser which they very kindly put on the table for me.
By the evening reception I had 0% Rosé and all was well with the world.
Learnings from this. Lower your expectations and assume it will be soda and lime, Appletiser or other fizzy drinks and anything more than that is a bonus.
Stop alienating folk who drink by going on about it.
Most of all be damn proud that despite it all, I didn’t just drink to fit in. I sober danced my heart out and night and for anyone who’s done it, you’ll know that you really have to think to sober dance! The vibe does not just flow naturally. I danced my socks off and had the best time doing it. I’m also so very grateful I have the best dancing husband. He never sits down when I want him to dance. He heard me yesterday. He gets it and he said it was ok. We have our ups and downs but his support yesterday means a lot.
Now as I sit here I wonder whether to put this out or not. Sometimes the worst vulnerabilities show others that life is not just all about the lovely smiling photos. Why do I feel so compelled to put myself out there like that?!?!
We’ve just had a lovely visit from our friend Lindsay and it’s half 3 already. I’m out the back in shorts and T-shirt and having a chill out. I’m just going to read this one more time and go for it. Warts and all…. Edit: there are no warts 🤦🏻♀️😂😘
Another blog that hardly anyone will read but hey… as I said, if you find it here then thank you 😘
I’m still barred from FB until about 10pm and then hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to plead my case and get them to take me off this horrible list I seem to be on. I just want to go back to my account, unhacked and WAY more wary of the vulnerability of it all.
If that’s not possible then I will consider leaving FB altogether and I’ll find another way of publishing my blog and photos.
So yeah, I feel different today. I feel like I’ve accepted the reasons for everything that’s being going on. I woke up this morning, opened my eyes and knew instantly that something was different. I’ve felt really hard done to in the last week or so. I’ve felt like everything seemed a bit hopeless. I’ve seen the negative in everything.
I can’t tell you how good it is to feel a wee bit better. Life doesn’t feel hopeless today.
I don’t know why I feel better. There’s obviously always things that happen to me that I can’t write in the blog. Things that affect me but are not my story to tell. The blog feels like a real chore on those days.
I’ve been so irritated by everything this last wee while and today I see the positive in everything, the reasoning behind everything, rather than the anger. It really makes such a difference. However the switch got flicked I’m not complaining. It’s so draining when you feel mentally rotten.
It poured with rain overnight last night. Absolutely stotting down when we went to bed. it was the same again this morning.
Mid afternoon the sun came out and it’s been lovely and warm. Long may that continue.
I’ll leave you with some Just Jules sunset photos again…. Because they make me smile!
I have to be honest and say I didn’t feel great when I woke this morning. I’ve been super dehydrated all week, not drinking enough while we were away, and have had tight neck and shoulders for a fair bit of the week. Either that or I was sitting in a draft 😂 It was so tense this morning. My head was thumping too…. But onwards and upwards.
We took the dogs out early on. It’s been like April today with sunshine and showers… we missed the shower thankfully. I cannot believe it’s actually July!!! How did that happen.
Wait till you see my next thistle pic…. I think I should call this one barbed wire instead. It does sum up the day!
We met a couple of neighbours along the way and everyone was feeling a bit down. Must be the weather. It was good to have a chat and a wee hug and try to cheer other people up, all the while feeling pretty grumpy myself.
I pulled the van over to the front door and emptied everything out. I cleaned all the seat pads, swept it out, cleaned the sink and hob. I love getting it all done after a holiday.
As I dumped everything at the door, Craig had it all moved and dealt with before I finished outside. He’d even hoovered up after Bhruic who is now moulting everywhere! He’s a good ‘un 😂 (well, for today anyway…😆😘)
I then went for a soak in a hot bath and actually took some ibruprofen to help loosen my muscles. That really did help. She who normally hates baths, loved this one. It was nice to just lie back and breathe for a bit.
I did have several interruptions…. The first was Craig telling me a lady had just stared into the dining room window as he sat working at the table…
Then literally a few minutes later to tell me she’d just walked in the front door and asked him if the pub was open as she fancied some pub grub!?!?! He was in a T-shirt and boxers as he ushered her out the front door!?!?! That’s a first. 🤦🏻♀️😂
I arranged to meet Gayle for a Starbucks at 2pm since Craig was making dog behaviour enquiry calls and I caught up on all the shop news. I see loads of new stock in which is exciting. She doesn’t need me this week as Lochwinnoch is closed for holidays so I get some extra days off. I’ll miss the shop banter but will be good to have a short week first week back.
So yeah, maybe post holiday blues, not sure, but my head is all over the place today. Guess I need to take some of this advice… just once I figure out exactly what it is….
I was shattered when I got up this morning again. Slept like a log all night and could hardly move when the alarm went off. Since starting HRT I reckon this would most likely be time of the month, but nothing happens anymore so maybe I just have the lethargy and negativity so graciously served up at this time, or I’m actually just tired and grumpy!
I dragged myself out on dog jog and actually felt so much better for doing it. I was very grateful for dog sniffing to save me jogging!
It’s super cloudy this morning, rain forecast but warm considering it’s only 6am.
So I actually felt great this morning.
Noticed that I wasn’t able to like any comments on my new Just Jules Photography page first thing, but figured it must be a signal issue and didn’t think any more of it.
Got the monthly stock check completed today which is always a big task. All these ducks that I want in a row for finishing up on Thursday, grew arms and legs and started walking away from me! Jobs that I thought were easy became more than I bargained for. I think I have to accept that I won’t get it all done.
I also felt a bit like this before we finished up for Iceland. The pressure I put on myself, to leave everything in a perfect state, makes me anxious and worried when things don’t go to my well laid plans. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. I catastrophize about everything that could go wrong when I’m not there to manage my side of it. Why would I ever take holidays eh?!
Today’s motto was “ works well under pressure…NOT!” I reckon. I do not work well when I’m out of control, that’s for sure.
I found out at lunchtime that I was on some kind of 9 hour curfew with Facebook….
My activity didn’t follow which standards? Doesn’t help that everyone I told said “what did you do wrong?” 🥺
My account was hacked a few weeks back. Someone random accepted s friend request that I hadn’t made. I caught it quick and my password was changed. since then they keep asking me if my activity is my own…. Which is great really but it feels like FB hasn’t been the same since. My newsfeed has been dreadfully slow, mostly businesses and I hadn’t felt right for a while. Now this. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Then the doctors surgery phoned to say, “good news, we have managed to track down some Utrogestan (progesterone) for you…. You just have to collect it in Howood”
😳
I felt so deflated by everything. Real doom and gloom and humphing about thinking it’s so unfair I can’t even drink to cheer myself up.
None of these things are a big deal…. I apologised to the lady calling from the doctor, for my dejected tone and told her I’d just had a bad afternoon and I thanked her for trying to source the progesterone… she felt really bad that I had to try and get to Howood which is actually 12 minutes from here. That puts it into perspective doesn’t it! I work 5.5 days a week and don’t have any spare time to go and get it…. But I will have to make the time!
So I listened to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast on the way home.
That did the trick. Sorry I should also add that I vented it all to poor mum… that probably really did the trick and the podcast smoothed over the cracks.
Take time for yourself every day to be present in the day.
They called it a ritual. I don’t imagine much more of a ritual than writing a daily blog every day, so it was great to hear of the benefits of doing something like this. Sitting with your emotions, anger, fear and worry and trying to understand it. Even if only for 30 seconds a day. This, of course, takes me way longer than that 😆
The blog hasn’t posted automatically over to FB for 3 nights now. These things are sent to try us! There’s good reason so many people avoid it! Will see how it goes tonight.
It’s a beautiful evening. The sun is hot. I’ve had another lovely salad, fasting is still going well and we go on holiday on Saturday. So much to be grateful for. I’ve had an alcohol free pink gin and lemonade in a gin glass with a huge ice cube!!
It made a lovely sound as I swirled the ice cube round in the glass. Like a bell ringing… kinda.
I would love to get up for sunrise tomorrow morning on Summer Solstice but it’s at 4.34am and the forecast looks cloudy…. I would also love to stay up for sunset at 22.07!! I am fairly certain my tiredness will allow neither. 😆
I had such a lovely time last night witb the Crochet Hookers. We went to Portencross beach last night instead of the village pub, for a wee change, in the sunshine.
It was just so nice. It was still scorching hot right up until 9.30pm when we left to drive home. The scenery was stunning as usual, and the company just made it extra special. We’ve never done anything like that before.
As soon as we got there we met someone that Lesley knew and got him to take our photo!! Anne had made us a Hookers on Tour sign, the minus 1 is because Jane couldn’t make it last night. Evelyn said she would bring some nibbles and we should all bring something to drink.
Surprisingly enough, some cans of alcohol free pink gin and lemonade had arrived on my door step the day before!!! It’s my favourite and I could only assume Holly had spotted them at the cash and carry while she was shopping for the pub. Such a lovely gift.
Evelyn’s spread was amazing. Crisps and dips and antipasto… and of course Lesley and Anne brought nibbles too. I was the only one that just brought my drink…. 🤦🏻♀️😂
This was our view.
We sat for almost 2 hours until a few midges came out and then decided to go for a wander round to Portencross Castle. I can never get enough of this place!
Of course I ran down to my secret spot! Now everyone knows where it is. 😆
Sorry for such a large photo dump but I honestly can’t choose between them and there are lots more that didn’t even make this cut.
Obligatory car selfie on the way home.
I used to sit and cry for days on end about 4 and a half years ago. Anne (back left!) mentioned that she’d like to go to a crochet class and I said I’d like to do that too. I didn’t know Lesley and Evelyn.
If you’re new to the blog, thinking what an amazing life I seem to be living, then I want you to know it wasn’t always like this. I always want to remember how bad the bad days were to appreciate how far I have come.
I appreciate every single minute of it and I appreciate these ladies for always being the voice of reason and knowing when it was a bad day. They can read me like a book….. that’s a ridiculous line given that I write my life like a book but you know what I mean. 😂
I had a truly exceptional Wednesday. Who knew that was even a thing?!? In the olden days Wednesday was always just hump day. It meant there was less working week until the weekend. I was closer to getting a rest and being able to drown my sorrows in red wine.
No more. This week the weather has been our summer and that has definitely helped but I’ve lived life to the max while working at the same time.
I came home from work tonight and had a free massage at Harmony in Beith where lovely Norma worked her magic. I have one more free massage to go and that’s the end of my 50th birthday vouchers. What an amazing gift to be given.
Now I’m off into the pub to meet our friends Lindsday and Euan. Looking forward to the laugh we always have and running late fonishing this so best dash.
There’s an 0% pink gin and slim waiting for me in the beer garden!
The Rambling Sloth 🦥 