I’m currently in the waiting room in the garage. It’s 1.35pm and they’ve just taken wobbly Abbie the camper out for a test drive. To be fair she wobbled all the way over here so at least she’s not hiding it, like some cars do when you try to show someone how bad it is. 😬
Always remember when I was a kid, I’d take my dad out to let him see something that I thought was wrong with the car and it would always be fine. 🤦🏻♀️
We had the busiest morning since I started working in the little gift shop. I didn’t get a minute to take photos of anything so I might pinch some from the FB page. 😂
It just didn’t stop which was great and I had a wee excited grin on my face as people kept coming through the doors.
Lovely to see my friend Andrina come all the way to the shop, to drop in a birthday present for me. So kind and such a surprise. 🎁🥳🎉
So the garage doesn’t know what’s wrong but agrees the wobble is bad. I’ve to take it back next week sometime, it could be the drive shaft or the gearbox mounted maybe.
I’m cold by the time I left the garage and I get home and have to walk the dogs. It’s a lovely wee walk but the dogs get super muddy.
The village looks lovely in the sun.
I spend a lot of time trying to avoid taking photos of these pylons but actually, I thought this was quite dramatic.
The sky was really dark and I guess there’s more rain coming.
We were lucky we stayed dry!
We have Cookie the Chihuahua overnight tonight.
We’ve had lots of Cookie cuddles already.
I’m tired and quite grumpy tonight. Probably nothing that a good sleep wouldn’t fix. I have that age old thing of overthinking the things that I want to in the short space of time I have off.
I then get annoyed because I’m too tired to do any of it.
Until I give myself permission not to do any of it. Only then I can relax.
It took me 2 hours to get to that stage 😂
Comfies on, fire and candles on and takeaway ordered as I really can’t be bothered cooking. It’s our first in a while and I tried to be healthy with my choices.
Here are the girls wearing their purple poppies to remember all of the animals that died in war. 💜💜💜
Here is the window of our Village Hall. The Crochet Hookers started crocheting poppies in January 2022 and sadly only one of us got into it and enjoyed making them. They look lovely.
Lest we forget.
I woke at 4.30am despite being late in bed last night. I headed over to the Farm at 5.15am so was super early.
The guy who usually fixes my van was there and spotted that I’ve been driving a Tartan van all week and now that Abbie has strange new wheels. He told me to take her down to his garage after work tomorrow so he can get a look. Fingers crossed he might suss what is really wrong.
So the Farm was good, it’s really mild here just now. 14°C mid November is crazy. We worked hard and I was back home for 7.30am.
I had a wee lie down until 8.30am when I went out a walk with Calaidh and Holly and Leo next door.
Calaidh posing as we wait for Leo.
Leo’s shadow looks huge as Calaidh is away up front.
The sky is so dark and yet the rain never came.
It’s a lovely sunrise and a great catch up.
So I’m still feeling good today. I’m tired but not that dog tired that I have been this week. When I got home, the doctor’s surgery called to say that they had referred me to the Gatehouse Clinic for the mirena coil. I realise there may be a huge waiting list, but this feels like a step in the right direction.
The little gift shop was good today. We were busy today and had boxes of new stock to unpack. Exciting times for me.
I should say here that Gayle won the Best Independent Retailer 2022 in the Scottish Business Awards. Sooooooo proud of her. She saw a gap in our local market and went for it and opened this lovely wee shop that’s become a hub in our community. I’m so proud to be a part of it.
Should have taken some photos as Gayle has changed the shop around completely so it looks like a different shop /and I’m seeing things I never knew were there!
Craigie has had a super productive day too and pressure washed the back garden again. It looks amazing!
So we need the wind to stop “blowin’ a hoolie” to help keep it clean and tidy in time for my birthday weekend next week. 😂😂
I even started watching “I’m a Celebrity” at 9pm on my phone. I very rarely watch anything like that but I was really interested to see how Matt Hancock got on entering the jungle. (For those who don’t know, he was our Secretary of State for Health and Social Care from July 2018 to June 2021 right through the worst of COVID and I’m a Celebrity is a show where celebs go live in the jungle in Australia and have to do all kinds of yucky challenges before one of them being crowned King or Queen of the jungle. Was that the longest sentence without punctuation?!?) He actually seemed to do pretty well. I thought he might get ripped to shreds. That might still happen but he doesn’t seem scared of the jungle challenges. Anyway I’m not sure where I’m going with all that…. 🤷🏻♀️😂
I opened my eyes at 5.45am and I knew instantly I felt better.
I’ve stopped the progesterone for a fortnight. I haven’t taken any since Tuesday night.
Oops 🙊
I felt like a weight had been lifted. Getting ready for work felt easier. The stroppy, tantrumming child had gone. My step was lighter.
I drove to work and marvelled at the sunrise. I enjoyed the drive. I was grateful.
So many things went right at work too. Parts came in that we really needed, things fell into place. I crossed things off my lists. More importantly I even remembered to look at the lists in the first place.
I made a clear decision to call the Gatehouse Clinic in Irvine to make an appointment to get a Mirena coil fitted. This will release progesterone internally, way more slowly than the fortnight of pills. My gut tells me this is the right move.
So that went well……. 😳
The receptionist balled down the phone “THERE’S A HUGE WAITING LIST” then asked if it was for contraception. When I said no, it was for HRT, she seemed so chuffed with her reply “WELL YE’LL NEED A DCOTOR’S REFERRAL THEN”…. Almost triumphant in her victory and getting me off the phone. 😳
That is not what my doctor thinks.
So I made a quick call to the doc to pass on that message. Hopefully she’ll get back to me soon.
I feel a bit despondent but NOTHING like I would have yesterday. What would have been the end of the world yesterday, was only a minor hiccup today.
At lunch, the guy working on Abbie the camper van brought her back.
She’s still not fixed by she has new rear arms and hubs, bushes and bearings yet she still had a wobble. Particularly on acceleration. He wasn’t sure where to go next.
So I paid over the £422.22 and was close to tears.
Tartan boss took control and got the boys to swap my big wheels back for the smaller, normal wheels to see if that helped. It was really good of him to do that as I don’t know what to do next.
I took her out for a test drive and thought it was much better.
It took me a minute to get back on track with work as my mind was desperately trying to find a way to dwell on the negativity of the situation. To over-dramatise it.
I did get back on track though and got lots finished off before finishing. It was a good day!
Driving home I’m sure there’s still a pretty bad wobble on acceleration. I’m not imagining it…. as much as I want it to go away.
The noise in my head has gone, I feel like the depression has lifted and the calm is so welcome. I’m tired but nothing like it was. I’ve not been scrambling for energy today. I’ve eaten well.
I’ve always said the calm after one of those spells is the most amazing feeling. The relief is immense.
I’ve got the Memorial Hall Committee meeting tonight to discuss fund raising. It doesn’t start till 7.30pm. 😳
I will try to stay awake until then. As I write that I am smiling. I’ve got this today.
It’s been a tough day inside of my head and it’s day when I think that I shouldn’t really put out a blog. That no-one needs to hear it. Yet there are some snippets that I think are worth sharing.
I woke about 4am and really struggled with the Farm this morning. I just wanted to cancel but I didn’t.
During the workout, my whole body screamed like a child having a tantrum…. I didn’t want to do any of it. Maybe 3/4 of the way through something clicked and I gave in and actually enjoyed it.
I had a few tears in the shower at the gym. Just feeling sad. It’s hard having to drag yourself to do things when your mood is low.
I actually had a good day at work. I was pretty focussed without too much brain fog which was good. I have left a note to remind myself to read the list in my diary tomorrow… otherwise it will never get done.
I have just felt really off all day, uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I’m searching for ways to justify being miserable.
I don’t know where to put myself. It’s nothing that a glass of wine wouldn’t fix but I don’t do that anymore. It’s nothing that a huge bar of chocolate wouldn’t fix but I don’t want to do that either. It’s nothing that spending some money of new stuff wouldn’t fix but I can’t do that either.
I just have to sit with the yuckiness of it all. And wallow in it.
I take bouts of yawning that feel like huge energy changes within me. I sigh a lot. I harumph. (There’s a made up word that seems to be spelled correctly?!?)
I realise half way through the day I’m not wearing an HRT oestrogen patch. God only knows where that is?!?
The guy who’s looking at Abbie the camper van phones to say the van should be ready but the wobble is still there and he can’t put his finger on it. I’ve got the money ready for it but he might drop her in tomorrow.
Then I come home for find my road tax is in and we need to put money in the crochet kitty tonight and I’ve nothing left. I manage to beat myself up for all of that.
I am constantly looking for something to berate myself with and at times like this I can’t seem to stop it.
So anyway, I was going to call in sick to crochet but I didn’t. I thought I couldn’t face it without tears but I did. I went and we had a good catch up and chat. We also had birthday cake for Anne’s birthday which was an added bonus. 🎂 happy birthday Anne!! 🎂🥳🎉😘
So that’s all from me now. I’ll try and pull myself together for tomorrow. 😂
WordPress isn’t loading photos again tonight so I’ve given up. It’s just a wordy one instead.
I was in bed by 8.30pm and slept right through until 5.45am.
I had a nurse appointment this morning just for a blood pressure check which was 115 over 78 (whatever that means… I really should look that up) and my resting heart rate was 61.
I stayed in bed until 7.45am and although I wasn’t sleeping I was snoozing, which was sooooo good. Love a wee cheeky lie in.
When I did get up I felt ok, but the anxiety and breathlessness started to kick in as I felt I was running out of time to get ready.
I couldn’t figure out what to bring for lunch as we’re on this 6 week challenge at the Farm, but I’m not concentrating on buying the right food, so I was all over the place about that. I need to eat more protein and veg but my focus just didn’t there.
Do you know even as I write this I’m stressed at reliving the anxiety of this morning. It’s so tiring feeling like this.
I couldn’t find the doctors surgery… couldn’t remember how to get there. Took two wrong turns until I finally figured it out. My mind wasn’t focussed properly.
By the time I got there I was “up to high doh” as mum would say. I couldn’t figure out whether or not to head in early or wait outside until nearer the appointment. How long would it take me to walk in to the surgery blah blah blah….
I got out the van and walked straight in (with my mask on!) and sat down. It was THAT easy.
I talked to the nurse and she suggested making a doctors appointment to discuss how I’ve been feeling these last few days.
The doctor called me once I got to work and was super lovely and listened to me as I talked through my tears.
She gave me some options…..
Stop taking HRT altogether
Reduce the oestrogen by halving the patch
Reduce the progesterone by getting the Mirena coil fitted which emits a smaller amount of progesterone
I honestly have no idea what to do. That brought the tears again. I’m just so tired.
I really hoped this would be some magical fix and yeah I’ve given it a whole two weeks and I’m crying coz it’s not working yet…. Ridiculous eh?! I hear myself.
I’ve decided to skip the exercise class tonight. I have my jammies on already. I’ve cooked dinner which is something.
I just don’t fancy eating anything much really except junk and sugary snacks. Desperately seeking that energy boost in all the wrong places.
But it’s all enough. Everything I’m doing just now is enough and I’ll get through this wee down spell and come out stronger.
I was up to the loo at 12.30 and then awake at 4.45am for the Fit Body Farm. I did not feel fit this morning… everything was an effort but at least I went and did everything we were meant to do. There was no “buzzing” about my workout this morning. More a wee candle flicker 🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s a dark and wet day. That mirrors my mood. I have to say I am a lot better than the weekend as there are no tears today and that’s a huge bonus.
I can cover every thing else up, I’m a master at hiding my mood at times (some folks might laugh at that!!) but when the tears want to come there is no stopping them. It’s the one thing that you can’t hide.
So today has been ok apart from my serious lack of oomph.
I’m frantically searching for energy and the huge amount I have eaten today is not going to cut it. I just need sleep.
I came straight home and into my jammies. I clicked at some point today that I forgot to change my oestrogen patch last night 😱 it’s not the end of the world and I changed it as soon as I came home. I’m getting a dab hand at the slap dash of plastering my back myself. 😂
Craig already had the fire on. I had leftover lasagne…. Do you realise I am almost eating that for every meal these days?!? I love it!!
I love this next one….
So big time self care for me tonight. I ain’t moving and am gonna have a very early night. I have the nurse at 8.50 tomorrow for blood pressure tests so I will try to pass on the message re my reaction to the progesterone and see if they suggest anything.
I also get a wee teensy weensy lie in! Bliss.
Oh and finally The little gift shop won the Best Independent Retailer at Scottish Business Awards 2022, last night! I’m so pleased for Gayle. She thoroughly deserves it after all her hard work!! I’m proud to be a part of it now too.
Oh jeez…. Someone remind me I thought this HRT malarkey might be a good idea… 😳
My emotions are raging and I’m all over the place.
I’ve noticed that I’m taking offence to everything, I’m overreacting and things that are said, I’m taking everything as a criticism from everyone. I am being very rude and defensive in my comments.
Then due to that I’ve found myself wobbling a fair bit. The tears are burning at the back of my eyes and can spill out at any moment.
I’ve cried on and off all morning, when I’m not crying I’ve tried to sleep. Craig’s escaped out to wood cutting this morning. He’s really good when I’m like this but he’s safer out of the way.
I have the Macmillan coffee afternoon in the village hall today but I’m not feeling like I can face anyone so I’m gonna hide in the kitchen.
I get some morning housework done through my tears, I may as well be productive. 😂
I know this isn’t the real me. I haven’t been this upset for a long time. It really is just the change in hormones.
Progesterone side effects are low mood and irritability. ✅✅
I head across to the hall for about 12.30pm and didn’t get back home until after 5. Judging by the amount of crockery I washed, it seems to have been a great success! Looking forward to hearing the total!
This cake was raffled. How lovely does it look?!
And here are some of the cakes…..
This was to die for……. ♥️
Also randomly felt the need to get a photo with this giant jar of Douwe Egberts coffee.
I still feel pretty fragile and I’m shattered but I went today, didn’t let anyone down, did loads to help and if it wasn’t for this blog, no one would really know what was going on in my head.
That’s why I write this, so many of us have difficulty with moods and emotions and we just never know. We can hide it so well.
We have the fire and candles on… saving power 😂 we have a tray of cakes to finish off though I’m not sure I can take many more. So much for the health kick today.
For those of you not based in the UK on the 5th November we celebrate Guy Fawkes….
It’s really quite random when we think about it. They say Guy Fawkes was the first evidence of real treason in the county and we celebrate the failed attempt…. I don’t think many of us have any clue why we do it and it’s mostly known as bonfire night.
There is a HUGE bonfire at the bottom of our garden tonight.
This is the reflection on the back of the house. I’m torn between the beauty of it and the fear it burns the trees and the shed down 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂 I am in serious “feeling” mode today. 😂
The dogs are all calm which is good. The foreworks seem far enough away that they can’t really hear them. I can’t get Calaidh to go outside… she retreats into the house as soon as she hears a firework pop in the distance.
Anyhoo…. I was at the little gift shop this morning and we were pretty busy. We shut at 1 and we were still going strong at ten past… didn’t even realise the time. It had been miserable first thing and I got soaked going in but it was a lovely afternoon.
I took Calaidh and Freya out when I got back.
My legs are sore, I’m really tired but I dragged myself around the walk. Thankfully when I got back I met Rachel-two-doors-down who was about to walk Nacho so we headed up the hill and I took Bhruic. didn’t take any photos of thyme out together… I wouldn’t have made it so far if it wasn’t for Rachel being there.
I’ve hit a wall both tired and emotional. I just want to cry and I am on and off…. I decided to go to bed and it’s the first time I’ve done that in ages. I was in bed before 4pm and set the alarm for 6.15pm.
I was even irritated in my sleep. My knee and leg were sore when I lay down. The dogs barked a couple of times, I felt like I wasn’t sleeping properly but when I did “come to” enough to check my phone it was 6.17pm and I hadn’t obviously set the alarm I though I had…. And I must have been sleeping or I’d have picked the phone up way before that. 😂
I just want to hide from the world and feel sorry for myself but we had to set up the village hall for a MacMillan coffee afternoon tomorrow. (I can’t take credit for these pictures but I can for many of the tablecloths 🤦🏻♀️😂😂😂)
My neighbour Holly who runs the village pub lost both her mum and her sister to cancer, this is a lovely memorial table for them and the reason she hits such a big event every year. We’ll all be in our MacMillan T-shirts tomorrow.
When you walk out of the hall….. check this for an advert….
So yeah, I’m back home. I was holding in the tears the whole time. They are not far away. I just hope that tomorrow brings a slightly stronger emotional day so that I don’t crumble the minute something either says something I don’t like, or, sometimes worse, someone is nice to me.
We really have a tough time with our emotions sometimes. It’s bloody hard work.
Anyway, enjoy the bonfires and fireworks if you’re having some.
I woke at 4pm as “someone” got up to the loo…. That was us wide awake. I am sleeping very heavily but when I wake, the mind is whirring. This morning I was singing Kate Bush, Babooshka…. Over and over in my head…. It’s a track from my Tuesday night exercise class…. Over and over, the same line over and over and over 😂
Finally got up at 5am and got ready for the Farm. It’s soooo dark in the mornings now but Fridays I get a lift with Craig. (Keep forgetting to say that Abbie the camper van is in the garage again…. This time it’s her rear. I finally had enough of her hirple at the back end. 🤦🏻♀️😆 she needs new rear arms, bushes, hubs and bearings. Needy much. A mere £422.22pence, precisely. I’m driving a Tartan camper at the moment which my Tartan boss has kindly let me use!)
Anyway I’m digressing… back to 5am. My first period in about three or four or five or six months appears….. erm thank you new hormones…. I immediately feel the stomach cramp kick in. (I am sorry about all this very personal chat but if this is to help any other women out there then we need to normalise talking about these things…. I realise some people sailed through menopause without anything but I’ve potentially lost my career as a result so I’m gonna scream it from the rooftops and am very proud of the celebrities who have brought this to my attention).
So…. The farm was great. I worked with Cathy this morning and we kept each other motivated. She often tells me that she loves reading the blog as so many of the other girls say, just thought she’d like a wee mention this morning 😆 We worked hard!
As we drive home the sun comes up and it’s a beautiful day so we decide to take the dogs straight out. It seemed much colder. There was cloud coming over the hills and a rainbow forming.
We had our first frost this year.
Check the size of the sun.
And the colours of the autumnal beech hedge against the blue sky.
Yet still the cloud is coming….
I love this next shot. It made me smile to be with my wee family this morning.
The rainbow finally fully formed, bearing in mind I’m walking looking backwards all the time. Craig turns round and I’m not there 😂😂
He should know by now I’ve stopped to take photos. 📸
I came home and got started on the housework… eradicating dog hair from the house once again then was almost late getting ready for work. Time flies when you’re hoovering. 😂
I’ve been in the little gift shop today and as usual it’s been really lovely. Lots of lovely customers to chat to and we restocked lots too.
I am exhausted by the time I get home. My stomach and back ache. My feet and legs are jumping and I walk in to the smell of lasagne cooking!! I could honestly live on Craig’s lasagne!
We have all the candles on, the fire lit, feet up and watching SAS Rogue Heroes on tv.
Why on earth am I sooooo tired. I have literally yawned my head off ALL day.
I don’t just mean one or two yawns…. Once they started they just never seemed to stop. I’m yawning as I write that 😂😂
I slept really well and only woke at 6.10…. I did have some strange dreams though and woke with a headache.
It’s been a beautiful day…. Cold but some blue sky and lovely sunshine. After the torrential downpour of yesterday, it’s been welcome.
So I’ve not been as exuberant as yesterday but I’ve not been a woeful as Tuesday either. Just a kind of tired, middle of the road.
As I left work tonight I realised the sun was huge and low in the sky. I literally took a left turn and flew to the coast. I only just made it before the sunset…… it was beautiful.
As I ran up the sand dune, the sun appeared.
The tide was in and the sound of two tankers reverberated across the water.
I stood on the dunes and breathed in the lovely sea air.
I have so many other photos and tonight WordPress is not loading them for some reason. Frustrating!
So anyway…. In other news I am 1,400 days off the booze today. Check… me….
Wine was my coping mechanism….. I have faced the last 4 years of my life, the most difficult 4 years of my life, without that crutch. I’ve not been able to numb the pain, I’ve had to suffer through every minute detail. I say that as if it was taken away from me. I chose to go without. I didn’t like the person I had become.
And here I am…. She who lived and breathed by where the next glass of wine was coming from… 1,400 days! I can’t believe it, I’m blasé saying it as I feel like I’m talking about someone else. I never, ever thought that this would be possible.
So I’ve spent the evening in Claire’s tonight, in front of the fire having a good natter with. a Turkish Apple Tea. It’s good to talk.
I’ve said this so many times, but, what a difference a day makes!
I am a different person today.
I have no tension, my joints feel relaxed, I have no pain. I feel much lighter. I’ve been relaxed, I’ve been calm, I’ve been quite excitable. I would go so far as to say I’ve been buzzing today.
Yesterday’s stressful issues and terror moments are just decisions to be made today. The overthinking button is switched off.
Nothing changed. Except that I gave myself a big shake and fought every bit of my mood yesterday to head over to that exercise class.
There was no part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to curl up in my jammies, eat chocolate and feel sorry for myself.
While we think that helps, all the sugar would have made me feel worse in the long run. Even as I typed that I scream out inside that it would have been soooooo good. That voice inside my head thinks it knows better.
So maybe the class just broke the negative cycle?
Despite my sore joints yesterday, I was able to do most of the exercises and the music and vibe made me smile. A lot.
I slept like a log until the usual about 4.30am…. I know that’s ridiculously early but it still felt like a great sleep.
The Farm came easily to me today. I upped my weights any chance I could, but, when I headed out for a run and spotted the sunrise, I rushed back in for my phone. Honestly I was bubbling. 😂😂
By the end of the work out it was even brighter! I ran back to the car park again after stretching and before my showers
By 7.30am, the sun was up.
Yet that was the last I saw of it….. the forecast was atrocious today.
Thankfully the only storm today was the one raging outside the portacabin! See what I did there, could I be more cheesy?!?!
I’ve had a great day. Made even better by the darkness of yesterday.
It’s time to change to HRT patch number 3 and since Craig’s out, I might have to apply this one myself.
Jeezo man….. this is the first day, in about 6 weeks or so, that I could honestly say that I feel my anxiety might be a bit out of control.
I am also vastly understating the level of control that I feel out of…. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂 now bear with me here as I am also at a loss for words today. 🤣🤣
I have butterflies the size of birds fluttering about inside of me. I feel breathless, jittery, out of control. I feel scared, nervous. The tension is creeping round my body causing everything to feel tense and my joints are sore.
All the good work I’ve done on keeping calm and building my confidence feels like it’s pouring out of me as I fill up with uncertainty and fear.
I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t quite know where to put myself or what to do with myself. Yet obviously I’ve been at work all day and pretty managed managed to do a good job despite forgetting words for everything.
I’ve felt a possible sign of stomach cramp. I’ve had a headache. I’ve felt a bit sick but that hasn’t stopped me eating.
I’ve been yawning so much I feel like I’m about to swallow my head.
I’ve not been able to find words or string sentences together. To be fair we have had a laugh about that at work.
Abbie the camper van had to go to the garage today. She’s had a back end wobble for a while now and it’s not right. I was so nervous of contacting the garage and taking it round that boss man did it all for me. I felt like a kid when he asked if I wanted him to come with me. I hid behind him when we were there!!! What the hell?!?!
I’ve just spoken to mum and literally sobbed down the phone to her…. I was meant to have kinesiology tonight and I cancelled it as I was feeling so much better. Ignoramus.
I’ve also just spoken to Craig who’s out at work and didn’t want to let on how I was feeling as he’s just about to start a 3 hour dog behavioural session with new clients. I’ve come off the phone to him and I feel much calmer.
When we feel low we want to reach for the quick fix to numb the pain. For so many of us, that’s alcohol. That’s why I had to stop drinking.
For me it’s food and getting into my comfies and curling up on the couch, feeling sorry for myself.
I am not going to do that tonight. I am going to drag my lardy, moaning ass across the road to the Village Hall for the exercise class.
Wide awake at 3.45am. My mind was wandering. No amount of “forcing” myself to sleep was going to help.
I should start by saying that my head is actually in a good place before I moan a bit…. I’m shattered tonight. It’s hardly surprising.
The Farm has been really difficult these last few workouts. I’m stiff and sore. I feel like a lead weight… but I’m still doing it. My knee twinged again this morning. I feel like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz who just needs a good oiling….. that probably came out all wrong and I can hear some sniggers up the back. 😂😂
I’ve a wee rookie error with my 2nd HRT patch…. I got Craig to fit it and boy did he enjoy ripping the first one off 😫🩹 I was sitting on the edge of the couch leaning forward so it’s fitted while I was at full stretch so it feels like it’s wrinkling when I stand straight. It feels really weird. That’s said, it’s only for another 2 days.
I’m listening to Davina McCall’s book Menopausing for the second time. I’m soaking it all up like a sponge.
900,000 UK women have left their jobs because of menopause symptoms. I’m not in the statistic. How many other women are out there that have gone through the same as I have? It’s shocking!
I’ve been a wee bit anxious, a bit nervous, a bit irritable but my head underneath all that is still good. Overall, still calm…. And it feels like a great place to be.
We fell back last night. I LOVE having the extra hour. We just remarked on that as we sit having morning coffee… could we just have this every Saturday night please? 😆
I woke at 4.30 which would have been 5.30 and then went back to sleep until 7 which would have been 8. It’s light again in the mornings for a few weeks. Yay! Might get a decent sunrise again at the Farm. If it ever stops raining….. 😆
So I decided I had to come shopping today as I am running out of time to get something to wear to my birthday bash. I’m having a wee afternoon tea in the village pub for family and then friends from 5pm.
My intention is to hide at this party but may not entirely be possible….. so I thought I’d like a short dress with tights and boots….. oooh how wrong I may have been.
I drove up to Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow in TORRENTIAL rain…. To see what I could find.
I parked as close as I could to the shops and ran into M&S…. Where better to start?!?!
A jump suit?!? I was messaging photos to Craig and to Claire for a wee bit….. this was Claire’s fav and Craig said it looked like a boiler suit and all I needed was a hard hat 😂😂😂
Nope…..
This one was definitely my favourite shape but it just didn’t work for me….
Love this colour but the dress…. Nope.
This was super comfy but did nothing for me!
Looked great on the model who had no boobs…. Nope….
And finally I’ve chosen…… I’m way happier in my own clothes. Yay! Winner…. 😂
I loved this jumper dress from Vanilla.
Loved it but the lady in the shop told me I couldn’t wear this to my party. I bought it but she made me promise not to wear it. I thinking this might be a lovely birthday actual day outfit! The lady in the shop thought this was a better choice!
I then moseyed through the shopping centre and found New Look.
This one wasn’t bad…..
This next jumpsuit very comfy….
A horrific, definite no!!
Another definite no….
I LOVE THIS JUMPER……..
By this time Claire had had enough and actually jumped in her car to come to the rescue… and you will watch as you her young glam steps in!!!
Someone actually thought Claire worked in the shop!!! I’m not surprised to be fair as she really knows her stuff, I mean check the size of those heels….
Still really no…. Even in a bigger size!
This one reminded me of a velociraptor in Jurassic Park….. I couldn’t unsee that…..
So honestly…. Despite trying on clothes I have not even thought of wearing for the last 4 years, I really enjoyed it. I don’t embrace my body or my size but it is what it is and I have to work with what I have. Craig said no matter what you wear you can’t hide what’s underneath and while that may sound a bit harsh…. I knew what he meant!
This next one is the favourite for now…. It was so lovely to Claire too come up and help me.
And this just sums the whole day up…..
I laughed way too hard at that!
This day has gone on forever. It’s still only 6pm… it’s amazing how long and extra hour actually feels. It got dark at 4.30/5ish though….. the nights are fair drawin’ in 😆
We made pizza for dinner tonight. It was such a thin crust, it’s lovely.
We start a Transformation Contest at the Farm tomorrow for the next 6 weeks. We pay £20 and whoever loses the most weight wins the money. I won it last year so Team Avery are all set and raring to go. Bring it on!
I just have my 50th birthday smack bang in the middle of it this time….. hey ho…. What could possibly go wrong?!?
Just before I go, tonight is HRT patch changeover… it’s still sticking in place despite trying on all of these clothes which I think is pretty impressive. Let’s see what next week brings….
I had a day off the little gift shop today and I’m not gonna lie, I really missed it…. Sad huh?!?
Instead I headed directly across the road to my neighbour and hairdresser, Elaine, for 9am.
Today was new hairdo day. Just a fresh set of balayage highlights and some babylights… who knew that was a thing?!? I have some babylights…. Bless 😂
Horrific huh?!? 😂😂
More importantly I got it cuddle this little gorgeous pup the whole way through! She fell asleep on my knee through the blow dry 🥰
I’m really pleased with the end result. So natural but it’s just a bit brighter than my natural colour. It just gives it a wee lift.
It’s now 4.30pm and the last 4 hours have disappeared in the blink of an eye.
I’m sat in the bedroom watching soppy, girly movies and crocheting.
My blanket is coming together nicely. Craig has the dogs watching football in the other room. Every now and then one of them sneaks out and bounds all over the blanket 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂 don’t know why I have a laughing emoji….. 😂😂
So the update on HRT…. My patch is still in place and hasn’t come unstuck. I’m a lot less aware of it now. The progesterone is helping me to sleep like a log.
So many lovely women are sharing their story and it means so much to me. I hope this encourages us all to talk about it. If someone has suggested this to me a few years back I would have been all over it.
I think the biggest learning for me is that finally I feel like I have an answer as to why all this happened to me. I’ve finally accepted that the past is ok but it’s the past and it’s what I do now that matters.
We’ve been on the pub this evening for a few… alcohol free gin for me! It’s been lovely to catch up and have a chat with our lovely neighbours.
Here’s the boy himself… we’re just home now, comfies on and a bit of tv until bed.
I am actually too tired to write but you know me…. I’m sure the ramble will come from somewhere 😂
I am living life without a second thought to my HRT patch now. The only concern I had was in the shower when I felt that it might becoming a bit unstuck…. I’m no longer making every movement with kid gloves…. Does that even mean what I want to to mean?!? Hopefully you know exactly what I mean.
We had such an amazing night in the little gift shop last night. 🎅🏼🎄🎁
My friend’s daughter had arranged a wee night where she brought 10 family and friends for a VIP shopping night.
The shop looked super festive.
They were such a lovely group of ladies, we had Christmas tunes playing, we had candles lit and twinkly lights twinkling. It was just lovely.
I got home at 9.15pm and didn’t sleep great as I was still buzzing from my “12 hour shift”. In my old job I would do that on a daily basis some weeks and almost think nothing of it, my penance for having that job…. How times have changed. yesterday wasn’t a chore at all.
I was wide awake about 4.30am in time for the Farm. The joys…. 🙄
I really struggled this morning, my knee was niggling, my energy levels were low. It wasn’t my best work. It’s still a lot better than just staying in bed so at least I went.
It’s always nice to come home from the Farm a Friday as Craig drives and I sit like a lady of leisure…. When we got back I had coffee with Craig before going out with Holly next door at 8.30am, on two, yes TWO separate dog walks!! I took Calaidh out with her and Leo on the first and she was so kind to come on my next walk with Bhruic and Freya!
I honestly didn’t even notice that I had done two walks as we were so busy chatting.
I came home and did an online Asda food shop and by this time it was already 10.48am. Gayle had said to me to start at 12 today instead of 11am, as we’d been late last night and yet I never got any of the rest I had planned….🤦🏻♀️ time flies when you have so many dogs to walk.
Shower, hair dry and straight down to Beith to the little gift shop at 12.
It’s been another really good day and a lovely customer brought Gayle in some Scottish tablet. It was sooo good and I had 1.5 pieces which will be a whole lotta calories…. 😆
Check this mug out…… how cute?
We also got a delivery of Christmas ducks and penguins from DCUK.
I am really struggling to be nice now. Least I’m honest, I’m tired and can’t be assed cooking dinner as I have to sit and write this. The hormones aren’t kicking in yet as Craig has suggested to the dogs. He is right. For once…. Not again…. 🤦🏻♀️😂😘
The fire is on, the candles are lit and I plan to relax as I’m not fit for much else 😂😂
Last night 26th October 2022 at 6.30pm precisely I started HRT.
It’s funny that I’ve been thinking about and investigating this for a month now and the actual act itself is pretty underwhelming.
I took what looks like a plaster, out of a box, and stuck it on my back…. Well Craig stuck it on my back as I’m not sure how I’m meant to get round there and stick a plaster myself. I’m sure that will come.
My HRT clear, square patch is in place.
(I should say here that I am so grateful that I did it have to fight my GRP for it as so many women don’t even get to this stage).
I scan my body…… well actually I don’t exactly, I grab my crochet as I’m late and rush to the pub next door….. I grab and alcohol free gin and slimline tonic from the bar and sit with the girls with the biggest grin on my face, scanning my insides for any sign.
Nope…. There is none….. unless, can I feel the oestrogen flowing through my body?!? Nope…. but the more I think about it, the more I wonder what it might do the more oestrogen I get will I be ok will I feel funny oooh I feel a little dizzy…. Oh do I feel faint…. Keep smiling it’s totally fine, you’ve got this girl, you can do this, this is what your body needs… do I still feel faint, oh my god what if I pass out what if I can’t handle it then I’m stuck with these awful feelings forever….. keep smiling it’s ok keep breathing slowly calm down.
None of the ladies would have had a clue what was going on in my head, although I bet they read this and smile. I guess it sums me up at the moment and this is the next piece of the puzzle. This is the bit that needs to go. The overthinking, the anxiety, the nerves, the panic.
I manage to stay upright through crochet but I still feel nervous like I’m waiting for something….. I pretty much get straight into bed after 8pm when I’m home. Craig is watching the football.
I can feel this patch on my back like I have a china teapot stuck to the back of me. I lie against the pillow, should I lie on my side, my front, instead. Nope back is ok, will the electric blanket heat affect it, should I turn it off…. (There’s no punctuation in these internal monologues so I’m typing it like it comes out….. 😆)!
I relax a bit…… but now I have to negotiate the progesterone. I have to take two tablets before bed on an empty stomach and they will make me feel drowsy. The tablets are like tiny wee round balls. My first thought…. Well what could go wrong with that? You drop one and it goes bouncing across the floor only to be followed by my ball obsessed border collies…. Tennis balls 🎾 tennis balls 🎾
I fumble them out of the pack to try and ensure there’s no bouncing involved and swallow them both with water.
I lie there and go through pretty much the same dialogue as the above. Before it gets too crazy I switch out the light, pop my eye mask on and I’m off. (I digress but if you’ve never tried an eye mask then I can highly recommend one….. it’s transformed my sleep!)
6.20am I wake up……oblivious to Craig coming to bed last night and the fact he left Calaidh in with us. Not. A. Clue.
Quick scan. I still feel like me. Patch still in place. Now I have to have a shower with it on and make sure it stays there. Next “hurdle”.
As only I could, I overthink this to the nth degree and try to shower without getting my back wet. I’m in the most awkward shapes and postures…. Until I snap at myself and just get turned around and shower as normal.
It’s still there. I still feel like me. I’m still aware of this flashing beacon on my back but I try to ignore it as much as I can.
Let’s say ignoring a potentially life altering moment is not my strong point. 😬
I’m still nervous driving in the dark, on edge again this morning on the way into work.
Yet work is really good. We have a good planning meeting and everything seems a bit more clear in the un up to Christmas.
I have both jobs today though as I am in the little gift shop tonight as there is a private Christmas shopping party booked in. One of my friends daughters has booked the party so I’m chuffed I get to be there too!! Service with a big smile!
I’m also managing to squeeze in a wee half hour massage with Norma in Harmony before I head into the shop.
I’m tired just writing it all but despite it all, I feel good and still calm!
I slept like a log last night. It was a great sleep!
In my excitement to tell you all about the HRT last night I didn’t mention that the living room, kitchen and sunroom were shining like a new pin when I got home last night…. All signs of dog hair completely eradicated, well for 5 minutes at least. Craig had a cancellation at work and this was the result. Winner!
I had my lovely wee exercise class in the village hall last night. It was great fun, always puts a smile on my face and my knee behaved. I came straight home (across the main road so it’s hardly likely I’d go elsewhere), into the shower and then straight to bed!! Finally turned the lights out after 9.
Up at 5am sharp for the Farm and it was a good one this morning. My aches and pains seem to have diminished for now so I was ready for action!! What a difference from last week.
It’s a very autumnal morning.
It was pitch black at 7.30am when I left and there are no lights on at all…. It’s back to needing a head torch to get back to the car, it was SO dark….
When I did set off for work down the teeny tiny single track road…. My worst fear…. I met a milk tanker. 😱
There is nowhere to go but backwards and there is a car behind me.
Adrenaline literally washes right through me as the panic escalates until I almost can’t think straight. I’m on the phone (hands free) to Craig at the time and he calmly talks ne through it. I couldn’t see behind me as the trucks headlights were burning my eyeballs…… thankfully the car behind realises he needs to reverse as do I. Like wavy davy all over the road until I finally reach a passing place. I’m cringing and super anxious…. He’s past me and it’s over as fast as it happened but I’m still shaking. I’m nervous all the way to work.
Isn’t it sunny how simple things affect us like that. My body went into full fight or flight mode.
Thankfully the day has gone much better than that though randomly, she who doth not a hot flush get…. Has a beaming hot face most of the afternoon. It’s so hot it’s on fire.
I drove home via the chemist and I actually have HRT….. 🤗😆😊
Now I just need to figure out what I’m gonna do with it!! 🤦🏻♀️😂
For those who are interested I have Evorel 50 or oestrogen and Utrogestan 100 for progesterone. As a funny aside I love that my phone spell checker is like… yup she’s gonna type oestrogen again, progesterone this time…. So I don’t have to remember how to spell them 😆
My mood is good. I feel like I am taking control. I am going to start it tonight.
It’s a very autumnal evening too. I made dinner… not the healthiest but it’s tuna pasta bake… Craig just walked in the door as I swanned around my freshly prepared dinner, posing next to it and he said “check you and you’re not even on HRT yet…..” 😂😂 he told the dogs it was the first time I’d made dinner in 3 years…… lies I tell you…. All lies 😂
and played ball with the dogs.
In half an hour I’m off in the pub next door as it’s Hookers night.
Actually I just looked outside as I wrote this and spotted this lovely sky.
It was actually surprisingly easy and the doctor was super lovely.
For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you may remember the doctor that really listened when the depression got really bad and she kept in contact with me just before and just after Christmas just to make sure that I got through it, at that time.
I sent her a card when I felt much better to thank her to listening when so many other doctors hadn’t really heard my cry.
I don’t know if she would even remember that…. But she asked how I was just now.
I explained all of the symptoms I’ve been feeling over these last few months.
I told her that I know I’m not despressed and yet I still don’t feel like me. I told her that the old me never really returned after my depression. I feel like a shadow of my former self.
I told her that I was slightly concerned that it may only ever have been a lack of hormones that caused it all. So many women have said the same.
She very calmly explained that as a doctor, they get to see both sides of the coin. They see people who are suffering from clinical depression and people in need of HRT and they have to make the judgment of which medication to prescribe.
I told her that anti depressants had changed my life so I didn’t regret taking them but I didn’t feel that I needed to be prescribed more.
She told me that they were a Surgery that were very supportive of HRT. Since I am 49 (she won points for not saying “nearly 50”) then I will be peri-menopausal and the symptoms I have listed are very common.
She asked if I had hot flushes ❌
Did I have poor sleep quality ❌
So she agreed that she would like me to trial HRT for the next 3 months and we will have a follow up call to see how it’s going.
She has prescribed oestrogen patches to be changed twice a week and a progesterone tablet to be taken at night for a fortnight on and a fortnight off. This is because I’m still peri menopausal and not menopausal. Once I hit menopause the progesterone would be daily. I think. it’s exactly what I hoped for.
So it’s body identical cyclical HRT.
I am excited to start this new journey and see what unfolds. I am hopeful that the extra hormones make a difference to my Brian fog and forgetfulness. (Yip I noticed it says Brian fog and not brain fog as I read that back and it was too funny to change it! It actually sums it up completely. 😆)
I hope that I can gain my old confidence back and stop hiding.
Let the journey begin. Tomorrow. When I get the prescription 😆
I was asleep on the couch by 8.45pm last night. Could not stay awake! Finally dragged myself off the couch and into bed just after 10 only to lie there wide awake 👀 and listening to someone else sleep very soundly….. just saying 🤦🏻♀️😆
Think I woke a couple of times but nothing makes the 5am alarm any easier.
It was sooooo dark this morning. Even by the time I left the Farm at 7.30pm.
We had a great workout but my legs felt like lead on most of the runs. That could be a result of a day lounging around yesterday!
I was really nervous this morning. I was anxious about the drive to the Farm, then nervous walking into the gym, then petrified when I heard a noise in the background while I was drying my hair…. I was properly spooked!!! I imagined someone walking round the corner and being visible in the dark mirror….. No idea where that came from and it was gone by the time I got to Tartan HQ. Thankfully.
Work went really quickly today. One minute I was hot, the best I was freezing. Hoody on, hoody off….. it’s just the time of year.
😂😂
So I’ve nothing much new to report. I have my docs appointment between 11am and 1pm tomorrow.
I have all my symptoms at the ready. I am armed!
Oh and Craig made lasagne again so I came home as he left and he left me with the whole thing!! (I may have left it in a bit too long….. but under that crusty exterior is a succulent white sauce and bolognaise….. amazing, again!)
I’m getting into bed early tonight won’t be electric blanket on and I’m so looking forward to it. Life in the fast lane huh?!
The Rambling Sloth 🦥 