I woke at 4.44am….. raging at the time but smiling at all the 4’s….. I’m still seeing 11:11, 13:13 etc every day without consciously looking for those numbers.
I am soooo tired but my mind is awake with the thoughts and tight schedule of my busy day.
I woke with a thumping headache and lots of tension. I maybe didn’t drink enough water yesterday or more likely my urge incontinence has me wee-ing it out all day more than it can ever hydrate me.
It occurs to me that my Urge is definitely getting worse and I wonder if that’s a side effect of my antidepressants?
I listed to a lovely podcast by Holly Tucker the other day, interviewing Donna Ashworth and it hit me between the eyes. It was like Donna had lived my life… I obviously haven’t become the world sellout poet but you know what I mean.
She says that by sharing our ugly we help other people realise that they are not alone. I have no issue sharing my ugly…. Though if someone was to call me pishy pants Julie I will die a slow death and may never be able to look you in the eye ever again. 😆😆😆😆. I often forget that people might read this.
So yeah…. Urge is definitely getting worse which means it’s harder to keep hydrated as it’s out as quickly as it goes in! Must keep an eye on that.
It also occurred to me that you might have this vision of me being a lovely, positive person. In truth I do feel that is what I have become but I have not always been this person. I have done some dreadful things in my life which I do still regret, but I also accept all of the reasons I did them at the time. I understand everything that I have done and why. I have hurt people and walked away from friendships that were difficult for my illness. I did what was right for me but I so often feel the guilt of how I treated another human being just trying to do their best….. just because their best didn’t feel right for me. I try to forgive myself as I know it was what I needed but it’s so very often in my mind. I’m not very sure I have actually forgiven myself.
I’ve so often blamed the dogs for my stress and yet I’ve made a life now where we all can live in harmony and I love them so much. I’m don’t put myself into the stressful situations anymore…. 3 or heaven forbid, 4 dogs on a campsite was just not fun for me. We’ve adapted to that and I think it works for us both.
I’m lying here thinking now what else was I going to share for a bit of Julie bashing and then I remembered. I know I’ve said this before but I’m surprisingly not as caring as you might expect. I am so empathetic that I shield myself from other people’s trauma to the point of looking like I don’t care. I can only take on so much. Having listened to a very good friend sit by the beside of her dying friend and work colleague…. I’m not sure I can ever be that person…. She sat with her through her terror of death, her fear, her sobbing and sat beside her to share if.
I’ve always loved her but I’m so in awe of her now. I cannot begin to imagine how she handled that and how she processed it. I’d have sat at the end of the phone and sent motivational messages….. not the same at all.
It’s almost like I can’t make space for other people’s suffering as I’m scared what it will do to me… I think that’s exactly what it is. some would see it as very selfish and I guess that’s understandable. I know a lot of it is self preservation.
This has all been floating around inside me for days now…. I don’t know why but it’s good to get it out.
I feel exhausted and there’s a good chance I onto get to bed until the wee small hours!!!
I have puppy Calaidh at Tartan today so that will be nice.
Right the alarm has gone off so I better get up as much as I’d rather cuddle up with Khaleesi and roll back over. Isn’t it funny how the minute the alarm goes off, I could sleep for Scotland!!!! 🏴😆

I slept with this monster last night 😆😆😆

So that was some amount of spouting this morning, I’ve not even going to re-read it, I’m just going to leave it as is.
Really busy day again, much the same as yesterday. Had Calaidh at work.




Had to leave work early to take her back for her check up.
The vet is very pleased with her and suggested more rest and to get some sudocrem to rub on her wound. I’ll pick some up tomorrow. we’ll get the results of her lump investigation next week sometime.
She was such a good girl all day!

So I’m back home, fed the dogs and I’m sitting with them in the garden now as I have to head to Edinburgh in about half an hour.
I’m so looking forward to the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo!
I am completely shattered and not relishing the thought of driving to and from Edinburgh Castle tonight but I will love it and hopefully get my second wind for the way back.
Hope you’ve had a great Thursday!
Stay safe everyone ♥️🫶🏼♥️











































































































































































































































































































