I woke at 4am with really bad acid reflux.

I could feel it lying in my throat and as I rolled over it swirled around. 🤮

I got up for a bit and drank some water in the hope that would help, but it’s been there all day.

I went back to bed and got up about 11.30am but I didn’t sleep again despite being so tired.

I called the doctor as I started to think that I may need to go back on anti depressants as I’ve been so low and tearful.

I can’t seem to shake this.

I have built a life for myself that controls all my anxieties and has eliminated stress as much as possible.

I have very little stress in my life now… compared to life before depression.

I don’t drink.

I avoid caffeine.

I run over 5k twice a week.

I fast every single day to control my weight.

So the doctor’s appointment is made and I start looking into how I can create my own serotonin.

I feel like I’ve been down for a large part of this year… I feel like such a failure as it says to me, that I can’t cope with my stress free, new controlled life either.

I am the first person to recommend antidepressants to everyone. I just know that this is different.

So by chance the Crochet Hookers had been talking about breakfasts last night and started sharing some food chat on our Hooker WhatsApp….. it got me thinking….

90-95% of our seratonin comes from our gut.

My gut is subjected to anywhere between 16-20 hours of fasting a day (I love it!!!) but when I’m tired, the eating window is taken up with fairly fast food.

I love, love, love, love, love fasting.

But, after 16-20 hours I fill my stomach with ultra processed, starchy carbohydrates and my stomach acid goes nuts. Hence the acid reflux.

I also get zero nutrition.

Is it possible that I have no energy at all because I’m not giving myself enough?!?!

By the time the doctor calls, I have self diagnosed. 🫣😆

I’ve got an appointment for bloods next Thursday, I’ve to stop fasting and to try and go back to 3 meals a day.

I have never been a fan of breakfast.

But I will try.

She did also say that it could be down to menopause or a viral infection but she didn’t like the sound of my fasting and junk food diet.

I have had another very lazy, or restful day. I haven’t slept at all but I have tried to eat cleaner.

Claire sent me in some lovely soup.

She’s been trying to encourage me to meal plan for years, bless her.

It just doesn’t interest me or excite me but, if I have to try it to improve my current state of mind, then I will give it my best shot.

I also had counselling with Better Help at 4pm.

I was going to cancel but this is one of the sessions I had paid for in advance. I’m not sure I’m getting much out of it this time. It’s still good to talk.

I made some oat milk in my oat milk making machine 😆 and then some overnight chia puddings… just using up stuff in the house.

I still feel totally shattered but I had to make the effort. This will do me for breakfast for the next few days. Though I will need to get some protein as well.

I had some for my dinner as everything else I have is processed.

I feel like I make everything quite hard work.

I feel like others sail through life while I’ve got to control so much to keep me feeling well (jeez the stomach acid took a jump there!)

It is what it is.

I need to make peace with that.

I either bore the pants off you all or keep you entertained and relieved that your life doesn’t seem to be as hard.

I’ve said it before but I maybe really need to just calm the F down. 🙊

We’ve just had the heaviest rain shower…. The garden flooded really quickly.

I’m also having a Bhruic keeping the ball from Calaidh evening 😆 she’s such a cheeky pup.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️