Itās the anniversary of my āgoing off sickāā¦ 6 years ago today I finally gave into the incessant tears and had to walk out of the office just before lunchtime.
I could not stop crying.
That thought actually brought some tears there just now.
I managed a team of 7 people and I could not stop crying. Not the best management trait.
Iād been trying to hold it together for years.
Iād been falling apart for years.
Gone were the suits and the high heels at work replaced by flat boots and comfy clothes.
All my confidence out the window.
I think I was really good at my job.
I put my life into it. I gave it my all. That worked really well for me for about the first 5 years or so. I was handed a promotion to senior management.
I was a huge people pleaser. I think that made me really good at my job but it was to the detriment of my āselfā.
I put EVERYTHING before me.
I began to self medicate with wine. It was the one thing that gave me some relief. It took away some of the stress but it was a vicious circle as it also takes away all of your peace. The morning after meant I struggled through the day with a hangover and brain fog that made clear thinking impossible.
Iām working desperately hard to manage a team across 3 geographical locations while trying to please the team (impossible) and senior management (impossible). I had a great team. The management were very political and the team could see right through that. I was caught in the middle and I hated the position I was in.
I was juggling so many different plates that they started to fall and I couldnāt catch them all. I was all over the place and I fell into a really dark hole. Desperate for validation. Finding none.
As I disappeared into my head I became very paranoid. Saw people talking about me, criticising me, overtaking me in confidence big time and I grew so jealous that I couldnāt be that person anymore.
I was terrified of work in the end. Literally terrified of having to be that person.
I drove home 6 years ago, blinded by the tears. Itās not an easy drive at the best of times and I still donāt know how I managed it. I was going against every principle Iād ever lived by. Anyone who went off sick in this way never returned. I knew it was the beginning of the end of my career. I literally couldnāt function anymore.
I was diagnosed with anxiety which quickly moved became depression.
It never occurred to me that I could go and look for a new job. It was a toxic environment but I put all the blame on to me. I wasnāt strong like everyone else, I couldnāt cope. I was a failure.
I wore my big job like a badge. I let it define me and yet I donāt think it was ever āmeā. It was who I was conditioned to be. I was encouraged to go to Uni, get the degree, get the big jobā¦. Maximise my earning potential by mid 50ās. Hey I peaked at 46 š
It was one of the darkest days of my life and yet as I look back, I am so grateful to the me who actually did walk out. It was the beginning of the rest of my life.
I have finally found some peace.
I still have ups and downs but nothing like it was.
Life is for living.
Iām very reflective today, understandably so.
Iām feeling sad as I heard about someone who has died. A complete shock. Completely out of the blue.
Another reminder that life is short and we need to make the most of every single day.
We only get one shot at this.
Just spotted Khaleesi at the top of the stairs. She makes me smile š
Stay safe everyone ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
The Rambling Sloth š¦„ 
Hi, you are doing great. Iām still crying at work. Actually today no tears š hurray! But not so good yesterday as I arrived at the office at 8.55 am and was crying by 9.05 am! Thatās got to be a record for meā¦ my colleague announced on my arrival that she had had enough of the stress and had suddenly handed in her notice, without discussing it with me first, leaving me with the job of finding her replacement and someone to cover my holiday in October on top of all the other work etc. Two more days to get through this week then out with my friend in London on Friday šX
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Oh no Iām sorry to hear that Iāve been wondering how you were doing. So the stress is bad enough for someone to leave that should show you that your tears are justified. Iām so sorry she left you in that. I hope there is someone else thatās better than her ready to step in and save the day. Huge big hugs, work tears are so hard xxx
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Thank you xx
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You are strong, capable and confident woman and you can handle everything work throws at you. Xx
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I have been in a situation one time in a workplace where it brought me to tears at work because of one particular bloody manager and another manager who wouldn’t take time for me when I first wanted to raise a complaint about the going on’s of the way some supervisors started behaving.
I litterally was left in tears on two occasions because of the manager’s behavour and another by supervisors. I was a low ebb feeling crushed by this point.
Panic attacks just on the idea of going to work. Even on a weekend I had the dread of the following start of the week of going back.
In the end I reduced my hours by a day so I had an extra long weekend while looking for a new job. It was that or be off sick after 2 years of putting up with it all.
The trust at the top got involved after speaking with some NHS. They arranged a meeting for NHS staff to attend. A chance to air what we were not happy with in our department. (The department had been contracted out to private business some years ago to manage that area.) I attended that meeting and eventually got my say after others had theirs. And we all had similar or same experiences. The trust then spoke with our department at some point bringing all of what was said to them to sort it.
I noticed an immediate difference in things. The deputy manager had lost his position and was back to supervisor again. And the manager I wanted to speak to had to make those one-to-one meetings with us. Naturally, I wasn’t going to keep quiet what I wanted to share originally and since then with how I felt about it all.
Regardless it was different for the better, damage was done. I wasn’t well after all that physically and mentally for some time. And even though I have met great emplyers elsewhere since, I can get anxiety bad in a new job because of how I was treated then.
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Oh Iām so sorry Liz but thatās exactly the same as me. It was a bully situation and I just couldnāt handle it! I wasnāt the only one bullied it was just the culture. I ended up off work for over a year on and off and was made redundant. I still get very anxious at time, itās the cause of most of my problems. Itās rotten eh?!
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Yes. It became a bully culture and it was really bad in the last 2 years I was there. The NHS was no problem. It was those that had took over the years before when NHS were giving contracts for others to look after.
I thought it was just me and my colleague being picked on. But when it came to that meeting, I then discovered there were many more.
Whenever I start a new job, my anxiety is big and it takes a long time to settle and reduce that anxiety because of what they did. It is rotten and so sorry to hear you experiencing the bully culture too.
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I lost my job as a result, through no fault of my own other than I couldnāt stop crying. Itās very toughā¦. Iām sorry you had a similar thing I bet there are lots of us out there tooā¦. My new job is much better but I still have moments when Iām triggeredā¦ like you do.
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It’s horrible. Yes, it leaves triggers, regardless how much an employer is supportive. X
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