Day 1363 feeling calm except for 3 pit-banger moments 🤦🏻‍♀️

I could not settle last night. Someone was a bit snorey but honestly I can sleep through that some nights, just not last night. I moved down to the couch about 1.30am.

My arms were jittery after crochet, I was just restless. I’m still recommending the pillow under the knee through the night. That’s made a huge difference.

I was working early this morning, making up time in advance as I’ll be late in on a Tuesday as I have blood tests for my knee at 8.50am. So that’s an hour and 15 minutes down already.

So up off my couch at 5.45am and was showered and in the car by 6.15am.

Setting up my stereo to play a podcast… and I CALLED MY DAD!!!! At 6.15am…. Panic ensues and much frantic pressing of buttons later I cancel my call to Dad, only to CALL MUM!!!! By this time I’m actually laughing… I’ve already had to wake Craig by popping back upstairs for my glasses…

If you’re reading this and I didn’t try to wake you this morning… I think you should be pretty grateful. I was trying to wake the world.

I’m at my desk for 6.45am and there’s no internet…… NO…….. I switch it all off…. And a witch it back on again and go wash the mountain of mugs that have , only one of which is mine obviously 🙄 . By the time I get back, the internet is back. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My ego would have dined out on that in the past….. imagine going in early and the internet is down, I’d stress, get angry, be incensed that it wasn’t going my way. Today, initial jeezo man then nothing… only resolution.

I felt calm today yet two things early on sent me up on my pit banger (I don’t even know what that is or why I use that analogy but I hit orbit and come straight back down!). One thing I had been super prepared for, but not bought from the correct supplier so my smugness was wasted and the second I’d bought parts for something that hadn’t been used and different parts were needed instead.

This is my job. It’s that simple. I buy things.. among lots of other things. 😂

Both of these things mean that I need to do something else fast to allow production to keep going. No one is angry at me…. No one is even annoyed at me. Output is not stopped.

I am RAGING…. For those 30 seconds to a minute about each issue. My ego wallops straight back down to earth and it kind of furtively looks around to see if anyone noticed…. Of course they did. For a few seconds I was in orbit moaning on and on about the injustice of it all….

Overreaction much…. The injustice that you have to cancel one order and buy more parts which took me all of about 4 minutes. Hardly a problem.

I had a previous job that was a massive blame culture. People actively fought to point the blame away from them. I wore that blame like a badge when it was actually my fault and told EVERYBODY how it had come about. I thought if I could explain it fully then there would be less aggression pointed in my direction, at me and my team. I would tell anyone who was willing to listen… and even those who weren’t!

Holding up production is a huge trigger for me.

There was something else later on that was worse. I’d misunderstood something and given the wrong direction to Upholstery. again launches with the “it’s my fault” and I’m trying to explain why I did what I did and why…… expecting the aggression that used to come. Pit banger up to the ceiling, tears because I thought I was being misunderstood. Come straight back down to earth, apologise profusely and spend of the rest of the day in some calm but uncomfortable cringe.

I’d like to stop that volcanic eruption or rocket launch 🚀 as it’s unnecessary . When I think back I used to manage a team and be constantly kicking off left, right and centre, how did I ever manage?!? I am grateful that I’m not that person anymore, she just rests her ugly head at times, she’s my go-to defence mechanism.

How apt that this pops up on my feed tonight…. “The mental resistance to things which arise, and the assumption that they should not”…. Exactly what happened today.

I’m glad when home time comes. (😂 that reminds me of school!)

Toenail appointment at 5pm which was lovely… and I have nice summery, salmony orange toes, gone is the red Christmas sparkle that no-one saw anyway!

The world is full of sadness at the moment. There is so much death, illness, and so many accidents locally just now. I do feel very grateful to be alive. I still feel very positive and upbeat but those 3 events surprised me today. I won’t dwell on them though as I can’t change them, I can only learn from them.

So once again I feel so much better after writing this down….

The Scottish Dog Behaviourist is working late again tonight so I’m going to work on my self care Clever Fox journal (or Foxy journal as the Windsor Waffle calls it! 🦊) and I’m going to have an early night and do my knee exercises before I go to sleep.

After I hang up the washing.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️