Day 1455 when in Rome! (I had to call it that… 😆)

It’s really been a day of different emotions. If you haven’t been following, this is my first split trip abroad in about 19 years.

Poor Craig is working all weekend and I fancied some sunshine and found this trip to Rome.

I had a great nights sleep, which surprised me, though I did remember to take the progesterone which was something. That always helps me sleep. I felt calm when the alarm went off at 4.35am, there was no nerves or worry.

I got ready and we left the dogs sleeping so I didn’t have to do that goodbye… and I drove to the airport in Bertie Beetle. That helped focus my mind and not let it wander.

When Craig drove away I had a bit of a wobble. I checked in with Jet2 and the young girl said, “oh you’re travelling alone? That’ll be lovely” and the tears welled up and I couldn’t speak properly.

This weekend was my idea. I booked it and yet I’ve created some kind of mental turmoil for myself ever since. I’ve been surprised at the fear I’ve felt.

I walked into the main terminal to head to departures and the two women in front of me were whispering about me. Cringe.

I literally felt like a flashing light waking through the airport as if everyone was watching me.

Just before we boarded the plane I met a guy that I used to work with in my old job. I told him how nervous I was… I told anyone who would listen.

I sat next to a lovely couple on the plane from Knightswood and we chatted for most of the flight. They don’t drink either. Denise gave me her phone number in case I was stuck when I was here. How lovely.

Her husband Simon was sitting at the window so he took some photos with my phone. That’s the Austrian Alps!

When we landed I met another woman and her son and we got a bit lost together!!

At baggage reclaim I found my old work colleague again. I left them to go and find my transfer only to end up sharing the transfer with them, although they are staying somewhere else.

What are the chances that, miles away from home and end up sitting with someone I worked with for 12 years!!!

There are no other photos of my trip until after 3.30pm, my head just wasn’t in the game. Even although I was talking to friendly people, I still felt quite overwhelmed.

The Aparthotel Adagio Vatican is fine. It’s nice enough but a bit run down…. As suspected it’s also miles out from the city. I took this on the way back in the evening.

I have a small apartment with a seating area. It is quite basic but it’ll do fine.

The tears spilled over again when the receptionist asked if anyone was joining me.

I can’t believe how emotional I have felt about being on my own.

The hotel is right next door to the train station.

She gave me all the details on the trains and told me to go to the Tabac on the other side of the train station to buy a 3 day ticket.

That’s been my fear since I finally figured out how far out the hotel was…. The travelling across Rome.

Here I am heading down an escalator into the station.

I am a new woman.

Gone is the quivering wreck, replaced by Mrs Practicality. Into the Tabac, bought a ticket, into the station, no fear at all. It felt like the most normal thing in the world.

When you suffer from anxiety you just have no idea when it will strike and when it will disappear. It’s been completely the opposite doe me today. I expected the travel to be easy and the negotiating Rome to be terrifying. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂

So now that’s out the way… let’s get to the good bit.

I got some advice for a Fb group called “solo in style: women over 50 travelling solo and loving it”…. Full of very inspirational women. They suggested I look up Romewise who detail what you should do when you’re in Rome for the first time for 2.5 days… eh moi!!

Day 1 is

The Spanish Steps
Piazza Navona
The Pantheon
The Trevi Fountain

I had them all in my sat nav as I knew I’d never remember the order.

I got the train from Balduina Station to Villa Aurelia. Only the second time I’ve ever seen a double decker train.

I changed at Villa Aurelia onto the Meteo and headed to Spagna where I immediately found the Spanish Steps.

What struck me most, as you’ll see, is that it was heaving. There were thousands of people.

Everyone is trying to get the perfect shot, the perfect pout, the perfect selfie that it felt really sad and I wondered if I was just as bad. I’ve never been aware of the Instagram or TikTok culture as much before. It was all about the shot.

I went into the Trinità dei Monti at the top of the Spanish Steps. It’s behind the Obelisco Sallustiano.

It’s a 16th century church with beautiful views across Rome.

Back down the steps.

I then headed to the Piazza Navona taking random shots on the way.

This is Piazza Navona.

Again… heaving!

Next stop is only 5 minutes away, the Pantheon.🏛️ it’s a format Roman temple and has been a Roman Catholic Church since AD609.

It’s looks very old.

It was so busy that I didn’t bother to queue to get in. There were two huge queues and I was already 4.30pm and I hadn’t eaten much.

I walked around the back instead.

I can’t remember what this was but it looks quite unassuming…was a stunning church inside.

Nothing would prepare me for the Trevi Fountain.

It is just beautiful and break taking… however, this is the reality…..

A crazy amount of people!!!!! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen crowds of people like this. All posing, vying to get the best shot of themselves in that place.

I found a lovely little roadside bar, La Fontinella and sat down for garlic bread, veggie pizza and an alcohol free beer.

Loving life.

The hotel is so far out that I want to get home before it gets dark so I thought I’d come and sit by the pool.

The pool doesn’t open until MAY!!! I brought two bikinis. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 I must get help with my next city break hotel booking. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So I sat on my balcony and watched the sun set over Rome.

The end to a lovely day. A loud day and a busy day. A very emotional day but I am here. I have done it and I’m excited for the Vatican tomorrow.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

Day 1367 and now I’m a bit sad 😔

Oh well I suppose it’s ok to have the odd day when you feel sad after everything was going so well.

The call today from the garage….. the Warranty company will not cover the Beetle being towed to the garage, they will also not cover the parts that my garage has already bought but they will cover the labour.

I just fell flat when I heard that.

It’s not the end of the world.

My inner child threw her hands up in the air, made that “I told you so” face and I had a few wee tears…. In the back of the shop for goodness sake.

I told my garage to go ahead with the repair given that they had the parts and I just want my car back in time for next week.

My inner voice threw all of this at me:

How did my repair garage not know that Warranty companies needed to recover the car to a garage?
You’d think they’d have dealt with warranty before?
When I spoke to the car selling garage on Wednesday, why did they not say call the Warranty company before you call anyone else?
WHY DID YOU NOT STOP TO BREATHE AND READ THE WARRANTY BEFORE YOU DID ANYTHING ELSE?
Because you’re you… you rush into everything, get all excited and don’t read the details
Everyone else would have read the details

Then the repair garage said they’d already bought the parts…. The warranty won’t cover that as THEY want to buy the parts and send them out. My garage said that will take ages, won’t get the car back before Christmas most likely. So I say just go ahead.

Why didn’t I just tell them to send the parts back and wait, would have saved money?
Why did I rush in… in the huff and say just go ahead with the repair?
Because I felt I’d lost the fight already so I just gave in.
I don’t have the energy to fight something where they all tell me in a sad voice that really… I should have read the small print.

So yeah, already done this to death… the worst case scenario is that I need to pay for the recovery and the parts. It’s not the end of the world.

I just struggle when things seem so unfair.

Still not the end of the world.

I think my inner ego is just looking for an excuse to feel sad.

So despite that, we had a lovely day in the shop today. It’s super busy and festive.

Gayle always helps me sort my head out. Lots of chat with customers who have finished their Christmas shopping and those who say they’re not organised at all.

I made good progress last night. I wrapped most of the presents I have bought already. I ordered some things that I hadn’t got yet. I wrote a list of the people I still have to buy for. I write some Christmas cards. I was pleased that I finally made a start. It made me realise I didn’t have as much to do as I assumed. The overwhelming mountain in my head was now a short list.

So I have my feet up, next to the lovely Christmas tree and after writing this I don’t feel as sad as I did. My reactions make more sense to me.

It’s ok to be mad at stuff like that. It’s ok to be a bit sad. Sit with it, feel it, let it be and let us pass.

I’ll leave you with the lovely flowers I sent to Mum and Dad, who now both have COVID for the very first time. I’m so pleased with them…. The flowers, not mum and dad for having COVID obviously. I sent them with Bloom and Wild, who send the flowers by post. They were due on Saturday but arrived today.

Get well soon both of you 😘

Stay safe everyone ♥️🫶🏼♥️

Day 1286 a wobbly morning but off to have a lovely afternoon! 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦

Well the hormones have taken hold this morning for the first time in ages. I am so tearful. The tears are just streaming down my face and while they do stop, they’re back about 10-15 minutes later. This is ridiculous.

I’ve always said I want to tell the truth with this blog, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me to do that.

I’m so glad that Craig has been away this weekend as it wouldn’t have been any fun to be around. Let’s get one thing straight, it’s not being alone that has made me sad… I think it’s my expectations for the weekend…. The amount I wanted to do it needed to be a three week weekend! I was rebuilding the house while catching up with friends and family on top of dealing with the dogs.

I’ve been so impatient with the dogs, not had the confidence to walk the three at once so had to do separate walks where I berate myself all the way round for not managing the three of them… there go the tears again. I met a man with a two dogs off lead and the adrenaline that flowed through me was enough to choke a horse. (Poor metaphor but it did make me smile). Of course it was fine.

Wow, even as I write this I really how difficult my head can be and I bring all of this on myself.

Every step with the dogs was a drudge. Bhru and Freya first, then back for Calaidh. Half way through Calaidh’s walk I felt a surge of positivity and energy which was nice. I smiled, looked around and appreciated the moment.

It didn’t last…. Poor Claire asked if she could borrow two eggs… is there a way to say todays not a good day to be borrowing eggs 🤦🏻‍♀️😔 she spotted it straight away… more tears. Jeez….

I was planning to fast until I head over to Edinburgh this afternoon but I had a egg mayo bagel and it has helped. I’d already done 16 hours fasting so I thought some food would help.

I’m gonna put this out before I go. We have a family get together in Edinburgh this afternoon at mum’s cousin Joyce’s house. (Always call her mum’s cousin Joyce for some reason… smiled again!)

I was have a lovely afternoon and at some point normal Julie will kick back in and no one will ever know. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆😉

At some point I will feel completely calm and forget that this ever happened…. Except that I have written it all down. ☺️

I saw rainbows everywhere this morning.

Heavy overnight frost!

Then I spotted these really cool clouds on the way back down the hill. They made me feel a bit dizzy through the lens. (lens?!? 😂 iPhone!!)

So yeah… not the best morning. No real reason… all hormonal and I’m cringing like a cringey thing putting this out but if you met me on the walk I’d have smiled and you’d have had no idea.

You meet people like me all over the place. Everywhere. You have no idea how someone is feeling. So please always be kind.

I say that…… and don’t be too kind if you see me today as you might get tears 🥹🥹🥹😔😂😂 best just pretending none of this has happened 😂😂

So I’m off to shower, get dressed, hair and make up done and I’ll be fine. I’ll have a lovely day catching up with family I’ve not seen since February. I’ve arranged for neighbours to pop in and let the dogs out.

I have a busy week at work while half of Tartan take holidays at the same time…. But it will all be fine and I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. Again.

Life with crazy hormones can be tough.. but I’m fighting it every step of the way.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1213 what a beautiful day it’s turned out to be!!

The forecast was for rain in and off all day today….. it’s been lovely and warm, so sunny and Ellison and I got a seat out at lunchtime again, which is always lovely. It breaks up the day and it’s especially nice after all the rain we’ve been having.

The forecasts seem all over the place these days.

I’m shattered today. I’m sitting outside in the garden and it’s 5.15pm and the sun is hot. There’s a strong wind but it’s not cold.

And relax.

I’m yawning my head off…. 🥱🥱🥱

It’s been a really busy day today. I didn’t get anything done in any order. There was no control today, no process, I just had to jump from thing to thing and try and write notes so that by a Monday, I have half a clue about what has happened. I had tears before 8.30am over something that was really nothing…. When I write it down it sound so ridiculous, so pathetic…. We keep getting the wrong windows delivered and last night it happened again. It’s not my fault but I feel wholly responsible. I don’t know why I take these things so personally. Even when I find out what happened and how it happened, I still feel to blame and that I should have done something differently. I hate letting other people down.

When does this self flagellation ever end?!? (I have a wry smile when I say that’s flagellation and not flatulation…trying to make light of the situation…)

Anyhow, the rest of the day was much better, just busy. We’ve ordered a Chinese for dinner as I have no energy for cooking. I think I need to get up and at it with a dog jog tomorrow. This lethargy needs nipped in the bud. tonight I need to rest…. A lazy evening with a takeaway and a movie sounds like just the ticket.

It’s funny how some days this all just flows on past like it doesn’t matter and other days I choose to wallow in it. The voice in my head, tells me I’m not good enough, that’ll teach me for having such a great start to the week…. And then I beat myself for my overreaction and so it goes on.

So I’m just gonna sit back and chill and enjoy the lovely evening.

I’m back in The little gift shop tomorrow so that will be lovely and I have my big adventure on the Paddle Steamer Waverley on Sunday which I’m super excited about!! The weather looks promising which will just be amazing.

I have everything crossed. 🚢🚢

The clouds are really wispy but it’s just so lovely to see the 💙 sky! This is my view just now!

So much to be grateful for! Hope Craig thinks that after an evening with me 🥱😂😘

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1150 too bright too early as my Gran would say and how can it actually be June?!?

How can it actually be June already? May seemed to pass in a blur, in fact life seems to pass in a blur these days!

My trying to live in the present moment isn’t slowing life down any.

I was up at 5.30am and straight out for dog jog.

It was a beautiful morning! Pure blue sky. T-shirt weather and very sleepy dogs.. not certain they were ready for dog jog at that time of the morning!

I’ve obviously looked through these photos again and feel the joy and peace I felt taking them!

This next one was taken in iPhone portrait mode.

And this next one just normal. Can’t decide which I like the best?

The singe track roads are just beautiful!

All the while jogging along!

I took a photo of me to send to Craig. Look at that face mid run. I am actually buzzing. Completely loving life to the max!

I used to smile like this all the time and I was hiding how sad I really felt, even from myself at times. Now when I smile, I really mean it and feel it.

These lovely poppies are I. Our garden. I can hear Craig shouting WEEDS in my ear 😂 I love them.

I got home and did some energy toning exercises in the garden for kinesiology (the things I have to do to keep my mental health in check) and THEN went to Tesco in Irvine for a healthy food shop to pop in the fridge in the van!! Even Tesco looked lovely in the sunshine.

Then I went to get diesel…. All before work at 8am!! Machine.

The too bright too early part is two fold. The weather turned cloudy and has been cooler and cloudy for a lot of the day. Ellison and I still sat out at lunch for a blether. It’s the first day this year that I’ve worn sandals. Not the best choice but hey…..

My mood also deteriorated through the day.

I have so many rules, processes and procedures that I have to follow to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I am not very tolerant of anything that doesn’t go the way I believe it should go. That needs nipped in the bud. A couple of things this afternoon didn’t seem to be that bad at the time but the combination of them hit me from left field and there were tears again.

I only have swear words to express my thoughts on this 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🥴

XXX why do I have to be that person?!?

I cannot cope with feeling out of control. It’s super dramatic and none of it is that big a deal. It’s never personal but I always take it between the eyes.

So luckily I had Kinesiology tonight and we worked on dealing with stress of tears in public, learning tolerance and cutting chords with beliefs that no longer serve me. I know how weird all that might sound but trust me it works. I feel much calmer already. I’m sad that I’ve lost the spring in my step from this morning but I know I will get that back after a good nights sleep.

All I ask is for true peace to be able to deal with everyday life. It will not always be easy and it will not always go my way and that needs to be ok too.

Bring on tomorrow!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1127 out of the office is on!! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇮🇸

Wide awake at 3.30am this morning thinking about everything I needed to do on my last day. Jeez I’m only off for two whole days which was probably why it was so easy. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Had a relatively calm day and got through everything I needed to.

The sun shone today and we sat out at lunchtime. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the sun! The temperatures are picking up here but Iceland will be a few degrees cooler. Obviously. 🥶

In less than 12 hours we’ll be flying from Edinburgh to Keflavik Airport in Iceland.

It doesn’t look very far does it?!

So super early start for us! Trying not to wake the neighbours. 😆

It’s been so long since we flew anywhere and my new found indecisiveness is convinced I’m taking all the wrong clothes 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 I packed a last minute pair of shorts and flip flops in case the sun shines in some freak weather event!!! Gotta have that optimism.

I dropped Abbie the Campervan off to the garage for her holidays…. MOT and full service along with a knock at the O/S front 🤦🏻‍♀️😬🤷🏻‍♀️😂

So despite all the excitement, I do feel a bit flat tonight as I had the call with the Doctor today finally.

The call comes through in the middle of your working day and I felt very much like I’d been thrown into a discussion that I hadn’t had time to think about.

In the past, you would sit in the surgery and rehearse your “lines”. The call is great and it saves you going to the surgery but the two hour window makes it difficult to stay prepared.

I told her how I’d been feeling and how the anxiety was taking over again. I explained the fear that seemed so overwhelming at times. And of course in true me fashion I ended up crying on the phone…

The purpose of the call, for me, was to ask for Testosterone which is the next step in the HRT cycle.

Did that word even register in my thought process once during the call?!?! Nope. Zero. Nada.

She has re-prescribed antidepressants.

I have to say I am completely torn between being devastated and slightly relieved as there may be some light at the end of the tunnel of fear that’s been building up.

I can’t tell you how hard this is for me I write.

It feels so awkward and vulnerable.

I’m cringing at the very thought of posting this yet I always said I’d be honest. If I can help one other person see how difficult life can feel for someone who looks like they should have it all together, then it’s worth it. (how do I think that is actually one sentence?!)

It feels like s step back to me. Like I’m admitting defeat. Like I’ve given in.

Yet I am so tired fighting these feelings AND I wouldn’t say any of that to a friend who was considering taking them.

When I should be super excited about a holiday I’m worried that I ruin it by being a jerk when we’re away. There’s a very fine line between happy and excited me and jerk me. (Forgive the shocking English… 🤦🏻‍♀️😂)

So… to take or not to take. That is the question.

I haven’t yet.

I am sure I probably will but I could do without that life changing decision tonight. I have a holiday to sleep for!!

Calaidh is not letting us leave without her.

So, I’m not sure what will happen with the blog for the next few days. I may or may not be able to post but rest assured there will be a million photos being taken while I try my best not to be a jerk!

Here’s Bhruic and Freya guarding the bags now 😂

I’m off to post this before I chicken out but I must admit I do feel better for typing it.

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇮🇸

Day 1120 a day of two halves 😆😭

I had THE best sleep. Wow. Out for the count and awake just before 6am.

I always find after some anxiety, that the sleep is really good as I’m so exhausted having to do all that overthinking, 😆 it makes sense really.

I had a great morning, made lunch to take to work, was soooo focussed that I got loads of work done early on. Cleared my feet and got on with the day.

I’ve noticed in the last wee while I am not taking any criticism well and I’m being aggressively defensive, internally, towards it. It’s probably not even criticism, it’s just what I’m hearing in my head. Like lighting the blue touch paper but it all stays inside and doesn’t come out.

A couple of things happened this afternoon that filled the old waterworks.

We’ve had a lot of supplier errors that could, in part, be my fault but actually just seems to be a run of bloody bad luck…. but I’ve built up a fear of letting everyone down by not having the right parts. So what happens?!? My dream comes true. Twice today. Thank you.

And once again, I am “that” person who cried at work. I have tears burning in my eyes even typing that. So disappointed in myself. Sniffles, snot, the lot.

I seem to be able to manifest the bad stuff in a heartbeat, yet the good stuff really makes me work hard for it.

So I’m feeling pretty low right now but the good news is, I have kinesiology in less than an hour so hopefully makes some sense of the evil twin inside my head, fighting me with all her worth.

I am so tired of having to deal with her all the time but I’ve worked way too hard to give in anymore. (even as I read that back I know she’s not there all the time…. Prone to exaggeration in this mode!)

I tried to call the doctor this morning to discuss the anxiety. I called at 8.31 without even having to watch the clock for the 10 minutes beforehand. I was impressed. I got straight though which is unheard of at the best of times. Unfortunately no appointments today and to call back Thursday. While it’s disappointing that the appointments had all gone within one minute of the lines opening….. 😳 the receptionist was lovely and it couldn’t be helped.

I think this whole thing would be so much more bearable if I didn’t cry. It feels like such a weakness.

So… I’m kind of out of words just now. There are more tears to come. I wonder now whether I’m crying at the things that went wrong or at my crying about the things that went wrong. That conjured a tearful smile.

It’s hard work this self reflection.

I do not like to be out of control.

I have so many processes, procedures and plans in place to make sure things go the way I need them to go. Suppliers making mistakes was not on my radar….. it has to be now and I don’t want to have to deal with that too… but I have to, if this is the state I get into but not following up every order and despatch note. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Here endeth todays wee moan.

Sorry.

I’ll end with some Calaidh puppy pics as it her 8 year gotcha day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️