Day 1562 last day of holiday!

Well…. 10 days since I was last at work and it does feel like I’ve been off forever.

I’ve been all over the place this week.

I am completely off kilter.

Spinning on the wrong axis.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

My teeth are on edge.

My jaw is clenched.

I’ve felt squeamish.

I’ve a thumping headache.

My body is telling me something needs to change and try as I might, I can’t get to the answer.

I feel lost.

I’m SOOOOOOO DISAPPOINTED in myself.

Raging at the state I’ve got myself into.

This is the worst I have felt in a long time.

It’s all caused by me in my own head.

I’ve not been able to get out of it at all.

My head is full of noise.

I preach about living in the present moment but the present moment has me raging.

I’ve been so bored but not wanted to do anything.

The noise in my head is incessant.

There’s a very angry voice in there screaming at the injustice of it all.

You think you’re better do you? Ah well, we’ll show you….

Nothing gives me peace.

I couldn’t even drive to the beach today as I had a million reasons why that wasn’t a good idea.

I just need a minute out of my own head.

When Craig asks how I feel, I want to lie to him to pretend it’s all ok. He’s no daft. He knows fine well. It makes for a pretty rotten holiday for him too.

I hope this will pass once I get back to a routine.

The long and short of it is, if I lived by myself I’d rent out or sell everything and go travel the world.

I obviously can’t do that and need to find some way of making peace with it.

We had a good chat today about me trying to book some weekend breaks away. I need to try something to see if that helps. When they are places that Craig wants to go then he might come too.

I want to appreciate every single day. I write a blog that documents my day and when I do nothing it feels like a waste.

I’m not rested because I haven’t taken the time to rest. I have wittered away to myself the whole time. Put myself through turmoil.

And with that… I’m gonna shut up now as I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.

Here’s to a week of peace…. 🤞🏼

I’m off to do a mediation.

Oh and it’s been beautiful weather all day! Sunshine at last!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1452 right out my comfort zone!

Have you ever done something you really wanted to do and then stopped and thought, oh jeez, what have I done?!?

I’ve created the perfect storm in my head. I’m building stress and tension by the minute.

I think the main issue is that I’ve booked my Rome weekend with such short notice. I only gave myself 4 days to remember what we wear in 26°C heat, while waking round a city, which I’ve not done for years. I’ve also felt pressure to book the main tourist attractions in advance. I’d hate to go all the way there and not get in to something at the last minute.

So I didn’t sleep well last night at all, my head is buzzing…. Overwhelmed with far too much information. I feel like you need a degree to try booking a trip to the Vatican. There are so many options and prices, I swear it’s designed to bamboozle.

Every time I sat down calmly to look, I got drawn into wormholes and seem to go round in circles. So at lunch today, I found an article and read it all the way through, without reading all the pop ups.. and finally booked for the Vatican Museums, the Sistine Chapel and St Peter’s Basilica. It’s at 10am on Saturday morning. My hotel is only 3km away so that gives me plenty of time to get there.

I have also booked a tour for Sunday morning at 10am. The Colosseum, Roman Forum and Palatine Hill tour.

If that is all I do then I think it will be more than enough.

That calmed my head immediately…… but I really struggle having to do things in the evening, when I want to write the blog and relax.

I ironed some clothes last night and need to finalise what I’m taking. I make it seem like a chore rather than fun holiday prep.

I’m sorry, I hear myself but I promised I’d be honest in this blog and tell it warts and all.

I’m driven to step out my comfort zone. I want to travel as I know how good it makes me feel and yet I freak once I’ve done it and remember how much I hate flying!! 😂

Ok I’ll shut up now…. I’m gonna do a meditation before bed tonight to try to calm my racing thoughts.

I made another lovely dinner tonight. Kimchi Miso Nourish Bowl With Farro, Charred Purple Sprouting Broccoli & Pak Choi. Don’t think I’ve ever eaten Farro before. As usual a it was really lovely.

I took it outside to eat in the sun… although it was very windy… it blew some cobwebs away.

My favourite bush is looking beautiful in the low sun.

The colour matches my dinner.

I’m gonna stop feeling sorry for myself and appreciate the excitement of a holiday.

Stepping out of our comfort zone isn’t always easy… but it will be worth it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1258 an end of an era as Abbie the Campervan drives away without me 😢

Oh wow, what a day. What a turmoil I have put myself through today.

I did not want to wake up and face what today would bring. I lay in bed with my eyes closed for as long as I could…. 7.11am! 😆

Craig and I were driving over to Livingston to meet the new owner of the van. She already paid up front so I knew it should be really easy but oh my actual word…. The anxiety…… bordering on panic attack. Tightness in my chest, breathlessness.

We weren’t meeting until 1.30pm so I had so much time to put myself through all that. I must have been a joy to be around. 😬 there were a few tears.

At times my head just won’t allow something to be easy, straightforward or calm.

It searches for the worst case scenario in every single eventuality. It’s the worst voice. The worst negativity. but my head revels in it. It can’t just allow me to believe everything will be ok.

I listened to relaxing music in the shower, it made me laugh at the cheesiness of it, but it really did help.

What’s the worse that could have happened?!?

I imagined it all. Over and over. Dramatising everything.

The reality was very easy and straightforward, as I KNEW it would be. I just couldn’t FEEL that it would be.

I was so nervous driving over. I drove really slowly and carefully. I’d taken out 4 hours of insurance to be able to do that. I had to talk to myself and take big, deep breaths. I hear myself, it’s pathetic.

My phone switched on to a Dr Rongan Chatterjee podcast.. called the “top 5 regrets of the dying”…. Not the best subject, given my mood, but a very interesting podcast. I thought we would all benefit from the sentiment.

“I wish I’d lived a life true to myself, not a life that others expected of me”.

Wow.

I can honestly say I’m much closer to doing that now, than I have ever been. My whole life up until now has been based on what was expected of me. I didn’t know there was any other way.

I do now. I do what feels right for me the majority of the time. I just struggle when I have to face things that I don’t really want to do.

Today was one of them. What happens if something went wrong with the van when I was showing them how it worked?!?

Anyway, she was really lovely and she loved Abbie.

We were with them for just over an hour showing them how everything worked. It went really well. She’s the kind of person that wouldn’t say a bad thing about anything.

There were a few tears (no shit, Sherlock!) but it’s just the end of an era. It’s 100% the right one for me but it didn’t make it any easier.

There’s a huge lesson in there, for me, today. I am still so very hard on myself. I put myself through so much stress, none of which is necessary. I do it all to myself.

Bye, bye Abbie. It was fun when the sun shone and everything was in the place where it was meant to be 😆

I should say here that this is difficult for me to write, it’s difficult for me to relive. These were really icky, vulnerable feelings.

But I say it how it is… or was…

I’m tired now but ready for the next chapter!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1169 a teensy weensy bit grumpy this afternoon but clawing it back!

I was shattered when I got up this morning again. Slept like a log all night and could hardly move when the alarm went off. Since starting HRT I reckon this would most likely be time of the month, but nothing happens anymore so maybe I just have the lethargy and negativity so graciously served up at this time, or I’m actually just tired and grumpy!

I dragged myself out on dog jog and actually felt so much better for doing it. I was very grateful for dog sniffing to save me jogging!

It’s super cloudy this morning, rain forecast but warm considering it’s only 6am.

So I actually felt great this morning.

Noticed that I wasn’t able to like any comments on my new Just Jules Photography page first thing, but figured it must be a signal issue and didn’t think any more of it.

Got the monthly stock check completed today which is always a big task. All these ducks that I want in a row for finishing up on Thursday, grew arms and legs and started walking away from me! Jobs that I thought were easy became more than I bargained for. I think I have to accept that I won’t get it all done.

I also felt a bit like this before we finished up for Iceland. The pressure I put on myself, to leave everything in a perfect state, makes me anxious and worried when things don’t go to my well laid plans. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. I catastrophize about everything that could go wrong when I’m not there to manage my side of it. Why would I ever take holidays eh?!

Today’s motto was “ works well under pressure…NOT!” I reckon. I do not work well when I’m out of control, that’s for sure.

I found out at lunchtime that I was on some kind of 9 hour curfew with Facebook….

My activity didn’t follow which standards? Doesn’t help that everyone I told said “what did you do wrong?” 🥺

My account was hacked a few weeks back. Someone random accepted s friend request that I hadn’t made. I caught it quick and my password was changed. since then they keep asking me if my activity is my own…. Which is great really but it feels like FB hasn’t been the same since. My newsfeed has been dreadfully slow, mostly businesses and I hadn’t felt right for a while. Now this. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Then the doctors surgery phoned to say, “good news, we have managed to track down some Utrogestan (progesterone) for you…. You just have to collect it in Howood”

😳

I felt so deflated by everything. Real doom and gloom and humphing about thinking it’s so unfair I can’t even drink to cheer myself up.

None of these things are a big deal…. I apologised to the lady calling from the doctor, for my dejected tone and told her I’d just had a bad afternoon and I thanked her for trying to source the progesterone… she felt really bad that I had to try and get to Howood which is actually 12 minutes from here. That puts it into perspective doesn’t it! I work 5.5 days a week and don’t have any spare time to go and get it…. But I will have to make the time!

So I listened to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast on the way home.

That did the trick. Sorry I should also add that I vented it all to poor mum… that probably really did the trick and the podcast smoothed over the cracks.

Take time for yourself every day to be present in the day.

They called it a ritual. I don’t imagine much more of a ritual than writing a daily blog every day, so it was great to hear of the benefits of doing something like this. Sitting with your emotions, anger, fear and worry and trying to understand it. Even if only for 30 seconds a day. This, of course, takes me way longer than that 😆

The blog hasn’t posted automatically over to FB for 3 nights now. These things are sent to try us! There’s good reason so many people avoid it! Will see how it goes tonight.

It’s a beautiful evening. The sun is hot. I’ve had another lovely salad, fasting is still going well and we go on holiday on Saturday. So much to be grateful for. I’ve had an alcohol free pink gin and lemonade in a gin glass with a huge ice cube!!

It made a lovely sound as I swirled the ice cube round in the glass. Like a bell ringing… kinda.

I would love to get up for sunrise tomorrow morning on Summer Solstice but it’s at 4.34am and the forecast looks cloudy…. I would also love to stay up for sunset at 22.07!! I am fairly certain my tiredness will allow neither. 😆

Stay safe everyone ☀️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿☀️

Day 1150 too bright too early as my Gran would say and how can it actually be June?!?

How can it actually be June already? May seemed to pass in a blur, in fact life seems to pass in a blur these days!

My trying to live in the present moment isn’t slowing life down any.

I was up at 5.30am and straight out for dog jog.

It was a beautiful morning! Pure blue sky. T-shirt weather and very sleepy dogs.. not certain they were ready for dog jog at that time of the morning!

I’ve obviously looked through these photos again and feel the joy and peace I felt taking them!

This next one was taken in iPhone portrait mode.

And this next one just normal. Can’t decide which I like the best?

The singe track roads are just beautiful!

All the while jogging along!

I took a photo of me to send to Craig. Look at that face mid run. I am actually buzzing. Completely loving life to the max!

I used to smile like this all the time and I was hiding how sad I really felt, even from myself at times. Now when I smile, I really mean it and feel it.

These lovely poppies are I. Our garden. I can hear Craig shouting WEEDS in my ear 😂 I love them.

I got home and did some energy toning exercises in the garden for kinesiology (the things I have to do to keep my mental health in check) and THEN went to Tesco in Irvine for a healthy food shop to pop in the fridge in the van!! Even Tesco looked lovely in the sunshine.

Then I went to get diesel…. All before work at 8am!! Machine.

The too bright too early part is two fold. The weather turned cloudy and has been cooler and cloudy for a lot of the day. Ellison and I still sat out at lunch for a blether. It’s the first day this year that I’ve worn sandals. Not the best choice but hey…..

My mood also deteriorated through the day.

I have so many rules, processes and procedures that I have to follow to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I am not very tolerant of anything that doesn’t go the way I believe it should go. That needs nipped in the bud. A couple of things this afternoon didn’t seem to be that bad at the time but the combination of them hit me from left field and there were tears again.

I only have swear words to express my thoughts on this 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🥴

XXX why do I have to be that person?!?

I cannot cope with feeling out of control. It’s super dramatic and none of it is that big a deal. It’s never personal but I always take it between the eyes.

So luckily I had Kinesiology tonight and we worked on dealing with stress of tears in public, learning tolerance and cutting chords with beliefs that no longer serve me. I know how weird all that might sound but trust me it works. I feel much calmer already. I’m sad that I’ve lost the spring in my step from this morning but I know I will get that back after a good nights sleep.

All I ask is for true peace to be able to deal with everyday life. It will not always be easy and it will not always go my way and that needs to be ok too.

Bring on tomorrow!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1139 only snippets of living in the moment dammit!!

Jeez I have definitely not been appreciating the present moment today.

Everything I am focussed on is for the next few days. I know that’s not the right way to be so I’m sitting outside just now, trying to shake it.

When you have a house with 3 Border Collies and one man (🙊) the house is never going to live up to your high expectations.

I say that, but Craig is very good at cleaning so I shouldn’t include him in that, though I think women are much more of a “clean as you go” when men do a great one off clean…. That’s how I see it in my house anyway.

Not trying to start a war here by any means just blogging it as it ruminates inside my head. He was the one that made me write a list first thing…. He did say jeez that’s all in your head right now?!? Yup!

Let’s also say that Julie 2 jobs is also very lazy when it comes to housework as I always feel I need down time, a chance to relax.

So I’ve been cleaning now since about 8.30am and it’s now just after 1.30 and I think I might finally be able to allow my friend to come and stay. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m sure a lot can go wrong between now and Monday night, when she arrives, but at least I know it’s clean underneath.

The evil voice inside my head, has been on overtime today. Embarrassed at the “state” of my house, embarrassed at the things that need fixing, embarrassed by the things I’ve let go… if I’d just kept on top of them the it would be fine.

I should reiterate that we live in a 300-350 ish year old cottage. That alone is a challenge.

I also suffer from Hangxiety.

We still have stuff lying around that I keep moving from room to room. I know it needs to just go and when it’s gone, it’s gone, but I struggle to throw it out. So I find another place to stash it, which will just stress me out another day!

I’m passing up the opportunity to go wild sea swimming at Portencross, which has been my dream. She says.

It would appear it’s just not quite my dream when I’ve finally got the housework finished and I’d have to unpack all the swimming stuff and then getting it rinsed down, sand everywhere blah blah… you get the picture!

So back to reality.

We have beautiful house. There is nothing wrong with it. Parts of it are sparkling for the next few minutes. I’m outside still in jammies and there a real warmth to the cloud cover.

I can’t go back it the house and Craig is under house arrest, in the living room, watching the football as he cleans! I guarantee he will be the first to walk on a wet floor. AI did make him go to the loo so he doesn’t need out anytime soon 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 it’s ok I hear myself. I have so many rules!!!

This has been the first weekend in a long time that I have been thinking about Tartan over a weekend. I used to be really bad for that in my old job. Not so much now.

I think it boils down to what I said about trying to catch back from a holiday, while finishing up for another one.

So I think now I just need to stop and enjoy the rest of the day. I might actually put some shorts on…. 😂 it’s around

This next one is exactly what I need to hear.

And also this….

So I have 2 days off from work this week, with a lovely friend, which is amazing. The weather looks promising too which is another bonus. There’s a lot to be happy about.

A couple of funnies to end….

Have a great rest of weekend!

HE’S IN THE BATHROOM!!!!! THAT FLOOR BETTER BE DRY…… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂😂😂

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️