Day 1388 a wee day off for rest…. and peace 💜

Ok so I’m not in a great headspace today and I’m so glad I took a day off work.

I’ve needed rest and peace today.

Last year I managed to work right through the 11 days, but I knew I needed a break today. It’s 1.20pm and I’m still in my jammies. It’s wild out there. It actually feels way more like a sick day than a day off but that’s exactly what I need.

I’m really tearful. It’s time of the month so that is the main reason for raging hormones but I feel like I have a wrecking ball inside my head, bashing everything that I am and everything that I have and everything that I do… desperate to run away and just travel the world. Let’s face it everyone wants to spend their whole life on holiday 🙋🏻‍♀️😂

I lay in bed until 9ish and found a really good article by The Mighty, ten songs to help on mental health days and boy did I cry through some of them. Others were uplifting…. It did help to listen to them.

I explained it all to Craig this morning and cleared my head a bit.

So….. we’ve booked some holidays, first off, a week in South Wales, in July, for us and the 4 puppers. It’s a cottage that allows 4 dogs… it’s really cute and has a hot tub.

There’s a review that says “holidays with 4 dogs is not always easy” and that spoke to me as they had a great time staying here! The dogs are secured in the garden which is great and welcomed into the cottage. We obviously will clean more than usual when you stay somewhere with 4 dogs so it will be in as good condition when we leave. I hope it will be good weather in July.

I’ve blown the dogs out of all proportion in my head and feel like they are the reason we can’t go anywhere or do anything. Actually, separately, I’m fine with them all, it’s just collectively I have anxiety that 4 dogs is too many to take anywhere. So I need to do a bit of work on that.

I have the fear leaving them for someone else too as it seems like a burden, so in my head it’s a no win situation. I’m not angry but my mind is causing the same effect, creating boiling water.

Craig is obviously more than capable of handling them all and so this seems the perfect place.

Then… check us….we booked our next trip to Iceland for 6th December…. So this year we are already have more holidays to look forward to, than we’ve had in a long time. It’s great when you book with love holidays, you can pay up in monthly instalments.

It’s 4pm now and I’ve made a Coconut Curry that I’ve had delivered from Green Chef.

I have a portion ready for lunch and one for dinner tomorrow. I’m keen to eat more healithy again and to try some vegan meals for a change. I’m not a massive fan of meat at times, so we’ll see how this goes and if it’s rotten, I’ll go straight back to the meat.

Green Chef give you the recipes and ingredients and you put it all together. I have 3 codes for your first box for free and £10 off the second and third box if anyone is interested.

I feel a bit better now. I’m glad I took the day.

I definitely need to take life less seriously at times. Note to self.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1380 this too shall pass… ♥️

So yeah, not the best of days today but I’ve still been for a dog jog AND a long dog walk so that’s gotta count for something…. AND I’ve tidied the house and gone to Tesco for a food shopping.

I’m gonna make this quick because I know this will pass. I’m not giving it power over me by writing about how I feel today. I will share some of my photos though…. Even though it’s been a very grey and windy day.

Calaidh and Freya have their jog on this morning 🏃🏻‍♀️🐕‍🦺🦮

When they start off they are actually running with excitement…. Woah woah woah woah woah puppers… mumma can’t keep up 😂

I’m wearing old trainers as my feet get so wet outdoors in my current trainers, yet these old ones make both knees hurt almost immediately. I limped the last stretch home.

Changed into my walking shoes for a long walk with Bhruic and had no pain AT ALL. This knee pain is so strange…. Since we started sleeping at the bottom of the bed (like crazy people!) I’ve had no real knee pain at night, I’m not even having to use the pillow for elevation. Who knows what’s happening there?!

Bhru and I walked a way I haven’t gone for ages. I wanted to spend some one on one time with her. We passed the trees I used to see on my way to counselling every week. I think of them as my therapy trees.

Bhru’s not impressed!

I let her off lead and work on recall. She’s really good.

She’s loving the freedom.

We walked to this wee burn and back. Not been here in so long. She wanted to go and run in the field but there are sheep in the back right field and I wasn’t convinced that it was secure enough… taking no chances.

This is the level we’re at today… I love the deep tyre treads a tractor makes.

I’m fascinated but the shapes…. Big circles on the top and hexagons, under the weight at the bottom.

I saw my first snowdrops of the year! So pretty.

I came home and ran about doing random housework and tidied up some things in the garden that had blown over in the wind.

I headed down to Tesco for a food shop and diesel ready for my 11 days of work ahead.

So yeah, inwards and upwards as they say. (oh Freudian slip there!! I’m leaving that in)

It’s pretty dull outside so I have my new Sand + Paws candle burning. I got this from Craig’s sister along with my Joma bracelet.

I wuf you 🐾

The business was set up by girls in California to get rid of the smell of wet dog after being down at the beach. Just wet mud here today!

I’m at 21 hours fasting which I’m really pleased about. I can only do this at weekends… I can’t manage a long fast through the week. I never set out to do a long one, it just happens some times . Craig’s made his amazing rice pudding so I’ll be having some of that shortly 😋 then I’m gonna have a nap!

Here’s wishing you all a great week ahead.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1353 New Year’s Day 2024!!

I did type 2023 there. Course I did…. 😂

Happy New Year!

I started off the year with a rotten sleep and “woke” feeling really tearful and a bit down.

We went to bed at 2am and I woke at 4am with a throbbing knee and came downstairs to lie by the light of the tree one last time.

I lay there thinking what I heard on a podcast yesterday.

Why don’t I choose to be happier?

Why do I choose to be sad?

Ellison had messaged me yesterday and said she hoped I was enjoying the break from work…. I actually cringed when I thought jeez… some people are just never happy (meaning myself…. Not her!!)

I realised that I’ve been miserable doing nothing, while it’s actually been valuable time off work. Time that I would kill for when I’m actually AT work. Why can’t I appreciate what I have when I have it?

I spent yesterday’s blog telling everyone to appreciate the present moment, yet I seem to have been in a proper humph about everything this holiday.

I have NOT been choosing to be happy.

I’ve been choosing to be sad.

I tried to go back to bed after I’d let the dogs out and fed them this morning.

I just lay there being unkind to myself.

Talking down to myself.

The voice in my head was incessant. Until….

Today I’m going to choose to be happy.

I smiled when I thought that.

Life is what you make it…. I said that only yesterday.

I got up and went outside with the dogs. The sky was lovely.

Trying to get a photo of the puppers and here comes Khaleesi the photobomb!!

She was having a blast.

I then wandered down the bottom of the garden in my jammies and turned around to see this lovely rainbow over our houses.

Khaleesi is still careering around 😂😂

It started to rain but I stayed out in it to appreciate the moment.

I can almost see two rainbows in this next picture.

I sent some of the neighbours some photos as I thought it was really lovely right over our houses.

I then headed back in and had a good chat with Craig about how I’d been feeling and what I thought I needed to change. It was good for me. I felt better after it.

We had a good tidy and clean and sadly took down the Christmas tree. I’ve lost my lovely twinkly lights. I say that but the house is all fresh and clean and ready for going back to work.

The pub was open for New Year’s Day from 1pm so we headed in for about 2. I made a point of putting on a dress and putting makeup on as I wanted to make an effort.

New Year’s Day is a big day in our village life. We see lots of the villagers we don’t always see.

Rachel two doors down was my New Year’s Day “drinking” buddy!

I’ve had a lovely afternoon. I switched from 0% pink gin and slimline tonic, to Coke Zero pretty early on as I think the tonic was giving me a headache. I was totally fine drinking Coke Zero and didn’t feel strange for once.

I didn’t take my new favourite scarf off! The pub was cold!

We had lots of good chat. I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. The chat just flowed.

We came home and ordered a takeaway from the new Indian in Beith. It was super fast delivery, HUGE portions and really good.

We have steak pie for today but thought we would cook that tomorrow when we have more time during the day.

So after a shaky start, I’ve had a lovely day. I’ve turned my head around.

Rachel and I have agreed to start a weekly run…. Even if we just start walking.

We ran together in Tough Mudder last year and ran at a similar pace. I want to do some more cardio and know I’m not likely to stick to it by myself.

So first step taken to making some changes.

She who doesn’t do New Year’s resolutions…. 😂

So on the eve of my last day off, I realise I really appreciate the time I’ve had off work. Even if I did just rest, read and watch movies… I musta needed it.

It’s 8.20pm and we have 364 more days of this new year to go and 364 more chances to be happy.

It’s our choice.

Stay safe everyone ♥️🫶🏼♥️

Day 1367 and now I’m a bit sad 😔

Oh well I suppose it’s ok to have the odd day when you feel sad after everything was going so well.

The call today from the garage….. the Warranty company will not cover the Beetle being towed to the garage, they will also not cover the parts that my garage has already bought but they will cover the labour.

I just fell flat when I heard that.

It’s not the end of the world.

My inner child threw her hands up in the air, made that “I told you so” face and I had a few wee tears…. In the back of the shop for goodness sake.

I told my garage to go ahead with the repair given that they had the parts and I just want my car back in time for next week.

My inner voice threw all of this at me:

How did my repair garage not know that Warranty companies needed to recover the car to a garage?
You’d think they’d have dealt with warranty before?
When I spoke to the car selling garage on Wednesday, why did they not say call the Warranty company before you call anyone else?
WHY DID YOU NOT STOP TO BREATHE AND READ THE WARRANTY BEFORE YOU DID ANYTHING ELSE?
Because you’re you… you rush into everything, get all excited and don’t read the details
Everyone else would have read the details

Then the repair garage said they’d already bought the parts…. The warranty won’t cover that as THEY want to buy the parts and send them out. My garage said that will take ages, won’t get the car back before Christmas most likely. So I say just go ahead.

Why didn’t I just tell them to send the parts back and wait, would have saved money?
Why did I rush in… in the huff and say just go ahead with the repair?
Because I felt I’d lost the fight already so I just gave in.
I don’t have the energy to fight something where they all tell me in a sad voice that really… I should have read the small print.

So yeah, already done this to death… the worst case scenario is that I need to pay for the recovery and the parts. It’s not the end of the world.

I just struggle when things seem so unfair.

Still not the end of the world.

I think my inner ego is just looking for an excuse to feel sad.

So despite that, we had a lovely day in the shop today. It’s super busy and festive.

Gayle always helps me sort my head out. Lots of chat with customers who have finished their Christmas shopping and those who say they’re not organised at all.

I made good progress last night. I wrapped most of the presents I have bought already. I ordered some things that I hadn’t got yet. I wrote a list of the people I still have to buy for. I write some Christmas cards. I was pleased that I finally made a start. It made me realise I didn’t have as much to do as I assumed. The overwhelming mountain in my head was now a short list.

So I have my feet up, next to the lovely Christmas tree and after writing this I don’t feel as sad as I did. My reactions make more sense to me.

It’s ok to be mad at stuff like that. It’s ok to be a bit sad. Sit with it, feel it, let it be and let us pass.

I’ll leave you with the lovely flowers I sent to Mum and Dad, who now both have COVID for the very first time. I’m so pleased with them…. The flowers, not mum and dad for having COVID obviously. I sent them with Bloom and Wild, who send the flowers by post. They were due on Saturday but arrived today.

Get well soon both of you 😘

Stay safe everyone ♥️🫶🏼♥️

Day 1232 ok start, weird in the middle and lovely ending!

Good sleep despite having to get up at 2.30am to shut the window. The wind and rain were really loud overnight last night.

I was boyed up by my new found enthusiasm for life, but the weather was so dreich today and I found myself drained as the day went on. I felt bored by the mundane. To be fair today was stock check day which I sometimes love but today just felt like a chore as I have so many other things to do. Negative Nelly started talking me down again. By the time I came home I was raging that I couldn’t drink to numb my mind. Pissed off with myself for being strict with the fast so that I couldn’t gorge myself with chocolate to cheer me up.

Just BORED…..

I know great things come from boredom but I have so many things I just can’t be bothered doing.

I came straight in and made dinner and didn’t stuff myself full of snacks afterwards, but hit the fasting button straight away at 5.22pm. That will be me until lunch tomorrow. She who needs a bikini body by the end of September, can’t afford to eat junk!!

So we sat down over dinner with an old faithful show, New Amsterdam, and my whole body relaxed because I couldn’t listen to the voice in my head bitching about things that annoyed me. I shut her up.

Then I went to the Kinisi Flow class in the village hall at 6.30pm. I was looking forward to it (I’m as surprised as anyone else!) and I really enjoyed it.

I no longer feel bored. I feel tired but content.

I want to live in this bubble of happiness and awe and wonder at life 24/7 but life is not like that. I need to work at letting things go. Not over dramatising them in my head to make them bigger. the more we talk about them and share the story, the bigger we make them to soothe our own ego.

Just let things be and let them go.

I’m so full of wisdom as I write this…. 😂 not so much at the time!

Anyhoo….. I’ve been meaning to talk about the virtues of Castor Oil for weeks now and keep forgetting.

Ellison introduced me to Dr Barbara O’Neill on TikTok but also Insta and how castor oil has a number of amazing properties… not least of the reduction of inflammation, cysts and the like, in the body.

I bought a giant bottle for just over a tenner, and am going to bed at night with pads of castor oil in a sports bra to help reduce the 20+ cysts I have up there. Now this would be funny if Doc Barbara has shares in castor oil, but honestly she speaks very fluently about natural body healing. ❤️‍🩹 also not gonna lie, it’s a real commitment. Castor oil is a messy business, it does stain the sheets if it leaks out…. I’ve not done it for a few weeks now but I am going to go back to it. I even went to bed one night with a pad full of castor oil clingfilmed to my ankle!!!!! Life doesn’t get much crazier than that… and I wonder why I’m tired all the time. Thinking all this through! 😂

Anyway, a great end to the day. I’m standing in the garden, throwing balls for the doggos and leaning against a wall writing this. The seat is too wet because it poured with rain ALL day. That fine rain that soaks you. 😂

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1213 what a beautiful day it’s turned out to be!!

The forecast was for rain in and off all day today….. it’s been lovely and warm, so sunny and Ellison and I got a seat out at lunchtime again, which is always lovely. It breaks up the day and it’s especially nice after all the rain we’ve been having.

The forecasts seem all over the place these days.

I’m shattered today. I’m sitting outside in the garden and it’s 5.15pm and the sun is hot. There’s a strong wind but it’s not cold.

And relax.

I’m yawning my head off…. 🥱🥱🥱

It’s been a really busy day today. I didn’t get anything done in any order. There was no control today, no process, I just had to jump from thing to thing and try and write notes so that by a Monday, I have half a clue about what has happened. I had tears before 8.30am over something that was really nothing…. When I write it down it sound so ridiculous, so pathetic…. We keep getting the wrong windows delivered and last night it happened again. It’s not my fault but I feel wholly responsible. I don’t know why I take these things so personally. Even when I find out what happened and how it happened, I still feel to blame and that I should have done something differently. I hate letting other people down.

When does this self flagellation ever end?!? (I have a wry smile when I say that’s flagellation and not flatulation…trying to make light of the situation…)

Anyhow, the rest of the day was much better, just busy. We’ve ordered a Chinese for dinner as I have no energy for cooking. I think I need to get up and at it with a dog jog tomorrow. This lethargy needs nipped in the bud. tonight I need to rest…. A lazy evening with a takeaway and a movie sounds like just the ticket.

It’s funny how some days this all just flows on past like it doesn’t matter and other days I choose to wallow in it. The voice in my head, tells me I’m not good enough, that’ll teach me for having such a great start to the week…. And then I beat myself for my overreaction and so it goes on.

So I’m just gonna sit back and chill and enjoy the lovely evening.

I’m back in The little gift shop tomorrow so that will be lovely and I have my big adventure on the Paddle Steamer Waverley on Sunday which I’m super excited about!! The weather looks promising which will just be amazing.

I have everything crossed. 🚢🚢

The clouds are really wispy but it’s just so lovely to see the 💙 sky! This is my view just now!

So much to be grateful for! Hope Craig thinks that after an evening with me 🥱😂😘

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1120 a day of two halves 😆😭

I had THE best sleep. Wow. Out for the count and awake just before 6am.

I always find after some anxiety, that the sleep is really good as I’m so exhausted having to do all that overthinking, 😆 it makes sense really.

I had a great morning, made lunch to take to work, was soooo focussed that I got loads of work done early on. Cleared my feet and got on with the day.

I’ve noticed in the last wee while I am not taking any criticism well and I’m being aggressively defensive, internally, towards it. It’s probably not even criticism, it’s just what I’m hearing in my head. Like lighting the blue touch paper but it all stays inside and doesn’t come out.

A couple of things happened this afternoon that filled the old waterworks.

We’ve had a lot of supplier errors that could, in part, be my fault but actually just seems to be a run of bloody bad luck…. but I’ve built up a fear of letting everyone down by not having the right parts. So what happens?!? My dream comes true. Twice today. Thank you.

And once again, I am “that” person who cried at work. I have tears burning in my eyes even typing that. So disappointed in myself. Sniffles, snot, the lot.

I seem to be able to manifest the bad stuff in a heartbeat, yet the good stuff really makes me work hard for it.

So I’m feeling pretty low right now but the good news is, I have kinesiology in less than an hour so hopefully makes some sense of the evil twin inside my head, fighting me with all her worth.

I am so tired of having to deal with her all the time but I’ve worked way too hard to give in anymore. (even as I read that back I know she’s not there all the time…. Prone to exaggeration in this mode!)

I tried to call the doctor this morning to discuss the anxiety. I called at 8.31 without even having to watch the clock for the 10 minutes beforehand. I was impressed. I got straight though which is unheard of at the best of times. Unfortunately no appointments today and to call back Thursday. While it’s disappointing that the appointments had all gone within one minute of the lines opening….. 😳 the receptionist was lovely and it couldn’t be helped.

I think this whole thing would be so much more bearable if I didn’t cry. It feels like such a weakness.

So… I’m kind of out of words just now. There are more tears to come. I wonder now whether I’m crying at the things that went wrong or at my crying about the things that went wrong. That conjured a tearful smile.

It’s hard work this self reflection.

I do not like to be out of control.

I have so many processes, procedures and plans in place to make sure things go the way I need them to go. Suppliers making mistakes was not on my radar….. it has to be now and I don’t want to have to deal with that too… but I have to, if this is the state I get into but not following up every order and despatch note. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Here endeth todays wee moan.

Sorry.

I’ll end with some Calaidh puppy pics as it her 8 year gotcha day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️