4 whole years ago I started this blogā¦. I canāt honestly believe that something that started on a whim had become such a huge part of my everyday life.
I have always like talkingā¦. Those of you who know me will agree to thatā¦. Yet over these last few years I loved this silent kind of musing into my own head. I love my daily catch up with my mind.
Obviously there have been some days that Iāve not enjoyed writing, but thatās usually when something happens in the background that is really affects me, but itās not my story to tell. Those days the blog feels like a chore. Iām not releasing anything, Iām skirting round the real issue and bottling it up inside. I know I could write a blog on those days and not post itā¦ but that doesnāt seem to have the same appeal.
Why on earth have I decided to write down my every waking move and think that people will be remotely interested to hear what I have to say?!?
First of all, the Beith Townhouse asked for people to keep diaries in lockdown so that future generations would know what it was likeā¦ that was why I started. I published under Overland and Borders which is our Instagram page for over-landing. The Rambling Sloth was born about 125 or so days in.
To this day the Beith Townhouse probably have no idea that I did listen and took their request to heartā¦ Iāve never told them, Iāve never seen them ask about it again but I just ploughed on regardless.
Secondly and more importantly, Iāve always felt a calling to talk about how I feel. Iāve suffered from anxiety and depression, lost my big job as a result and I want to scream from the rooftops that it is ok not to be ok.
On the face of it Iāve probably looked like I had it altogether. The big smile, giggles and laughter, good job, nice car, lovely house, handsome husband and dogs.
However, the anxiety has always been there, I just didnāt have a name for it until I first went off sick from work in Sept 2018 and the doctor wrote ANXIETY on my sick line.
That created WAY more anxietyā¦. What a ridiculous wordā¦.. what will work think?!? Sheās a scaredy cat? A wuss? (Scottish for wimp!)
I was the kid who howled the night before exams, who over prepared for every eventuality.
At the time I went off sick, I thought I was suffering from depression but I now realise that the anxiety was at boiling point. I couldnāt keep the lids on any of my pots anymore. Iād spent a lifetime trying to please other people and I was coming apart at the seems. Hiring a strong team at work was the final straw. They were stronger than I was now and I had to try and manage that whilst breaking apart inside.
The wine I was drinking, to make it all better, was only making it way worse.
I loved posting photos on FB but I didnāt want everyone just to see the good side of my life. For some reason I need them to know the truthā¦.That somedays itās very hard work to be me.
Ooooh that brought a wee lump to my throat.
Writing the blog allows me to live life in the present moment. To know that sitting here, with Calaidh cuddled up to me, is just as important a moment as heading to Iceland again at the end of the year. Every moment in time is what makes up our life. True peace comes from living in the present.
When Iām anxious or angry Iām focussing on the future or the past.
2024 has been a good year for me. I had a wobble for the first few weeks of February but thatās calmed down, for now and Iām back in control.
I know that life will not always be easy.
But writing daily will help me navigate it all.
I donāt say this very often but I am very proud of who I have become over these last few years. Iām so grateful to have gone through what I did, to allow this version of me to be free.
I still struggle to forgive myself for the odd wobble, I need to work on that.
There is nothing better than feeling calm and Iāve worked really hard to find it. I will never stop fighting to protect my peace.
When I speak my truth I will be calm.
As hard as it is to speak my truth at times, the sense of relief is immense. The noise inside my head stops. I can finally breathe.
I get such a buzz sharing my trips with you. Letās be honest I get such a buzz being on a trip full stopā¦ I feel like Heidi the Mountain Goat, bounding around trying to find the best shots.
That said itās the only thing that unsettles me at the moment. I feel my life is drawn to travel and write about it. I have no idea how that would make me money but I feel that it will and something tells me that I donāt need to know the HOW, I just need to trust that it willā¦. Iām trying to find my niche and my way.
Off course this last year has seen the rise of the Scottish Dog Behaviourist and massive change for Craig. Iām so proud of everything heās achieved. Like every couple who is honest enough to admit, we have our good times and our bad. Heās my biggest fan but can also pull the rug from under me at timesā¦. And I to himā¦ but thatās real life isnāt it? Thatās how marriage works, the key is to try and work together to negotiate the bumps and be there to love and support each other. Tomorrow we celebrate our 14th anniversary. When weād been together for 10 days we just āknewā.
Jeez, time is just a-passing us right on by.
I want to take the 4 year anniversary to thank you all for your support. I wouldnāt do it without all your kind words. Iāve āmetā so many lovely people along the way. I always said if my sharing all helps one person then this would be worth it.
Craig still got the most likes of any blog the night he took it over for my 50th birthday. If you can spare a like tonight, Iād love to beat his winning blog. It would mean the world to me. (Iām not sure it will count since Iāve asked for it but heyā¦ šš)
Stay safe everyone ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
The Rambling Sloth š¦„ 