Day 1562 last day of holiday!

Well…. 10 days since I was last at work and it does feel like I’ve been off forever.

I’ve been all over the place this week.

I am completely off kilter.

Spinning on the wrong axis.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

My teeth are on edge.

My jaw is clenched.

I’ve felt squeamish.

I’ve a thumping headache.

My body is telling me something needs to change and try as I might, I can’t get to the answer.

I feel lost.

I’m SOOOOOOO DISAPPOINTED in myself.

Raging at the state I’ve got myself into.

This is the worst I have felt in a long time.

It’s all caused by me in my own head.

I’ve not been able to get out of it at all.

My head is full of noise.

I preach about living in the present moment but the present moment has me raging.

I’ve been so bored but not wanted to do anything.

The noise in my head is incessant.

There’s a very angry voice in there screaming at the injustice of it all.

You think you’re better do you? Ah well, we’ll show you….

Nothing gives me peace.

I couldn’t even drive to the beach today as I had a million reasons why that wasn’t a good idea.

I just need a minute out of my own head.

When Craig asks how I feel, I want to lie to him to pretend it’s all ok. He’s no daft. He knows fine well. It makes for a pretty rotten holiday for him too.

I hope this will pass once I get back to a routine.

The long and short of it is, if I lived by myself I’d rent out or sell everything and go travel the world.

I obviously can’t do that and need to find some way of making peace with it.

We had a good chat today about me trying to book some weekend breaks away. I need to try something to see if that helps. When they are places that Craig wants to go then he might come too.

I want to appreciate every single day. I write a blog that documents my day and when I do nothing it feels like a waste.

I’m not rested because I haven’t taken the time to rest. I have wittered away to myself the whole time. Put myself through turmoil.

And with that… I’m gonna shut up now as I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.

Here’s to a week of peace…. 🤞🏼

I’m off to do a mediation.

Oh and it’s been beautiful weather all day! Sunshine at last!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1149 a cold start but a scorcher with a little home made drama in the middle!

Up at 5.45am to take the Scottish Dog Behaviourist to Glasgow Airport.

It was a cool and cloudy start to the day. I set off in my shorts…. Found a random place to throw him out of the van at the airport as the costs to drop off are ridiculous. 😂 I headed straight to work and was still there 10 minutes before 8am. Felt like I’d been driving for days!

Busy morning and the sun came out around 11ish. Until then I was wrapped up in my big fleece!

So at lunch time Ellison sets up the seats outside and I start tracking Craig’s flight. I’ve checked in on it a few times through the morning and can see him starting to descend. It’s quite addictive… ok if you like that sort of thing!

I see him get as low as 737ft and 187 knots

I wonder out loud what happens to a plane that disappears from radar on this app, when all of a sudden it starts to climb and very fast.

The plane takes off again and heads out to size gaining in height and speed. It disappears off my screen as it’s moving so fast again…. A tiny part of me assumes the worst until I realise it’s still in the sky…. Visible when I zoom back out again!

I start to feel a bit squeamish and can’t eat my lunch. I go put in in the fridge.

It climbs back to 5,479 and stays there while doing a full loop back to get it back on track.

It’s fascinating to see how it just picks up exactly the same approach…. What else would you expect but you don’t think of that.

I watch him come back down to 100ft and the height goes haywire, he rises, he falls, he rises again, it gets stuck for a while at 87ft and it takes far to long to look like he has actually landed. There is a chance the height measurement could be 87ft off the ground but my head tells my otherwise.

I’m shaking, I have pins and needles all over, I feel sick and even have dry retch behind a van.

By the time he texts I am so relieved… he says there was a plane on the runway. 😱 he’s neither up nor down but lands to a million WhatsApp’s from me! In my ridiculous panic I did have a wry smile that he would switch his phone on in the plane and it would ting ting ting ting ting for ages! Oops….

So I’ve learned today that I might love my husband a bit more than I even realised…. I’ve told him that already. 😂😂

He took these lovely shots for me during his aborted landing!

An obvious sign be wasn’t that bothered!

So I’ve been sat in the garden with the 3 pup amigos since I finished work. Holly next door is looking after them during the day while I’m at work. So lovely of her. We couldn’t do this without her.

Crochet was cancelled tonight so Claire has just been in to the garden for a chat. I could SO get used to this weather!!! It’s much hotter today than it was even yesterday. Way more to come tomorrow.

Craig is settling in well in his Spanish home for the next week. He’s introduced me to his 5 new dogs and training starts tomorrow. I’m so proud of everything he’s achieved to get to where he is this year. Follow updates from him on Scottish Dog Behaviourist.

So I’m hoping for way less drama from tomorrow!!

This might just be the summer that we’ve all been waiting for. We need to enjoy it when we can in Scotland as it could all be over in a heartbeat!

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇪🇸

Day 1139 only snippets of living in the moment dammit!!

Jeez I have definitely not been appreciating the present moment today.

Everything I am focussed on is for the next few days. I know that’s not the right way to be so I’m sitting outside just now, trying to shake it.

When you have a house with 3 Border Collies and one man (🙊) the house is never going to live up to your high expectations.

I say that, but Craig is very good at cleaning so I shouldn’t include him in that, though I think women are much more of a “clean as you go” when men do a great one off clean…. That’s how I see it in my house anyway.

Not trying to start a war here by any means just blogging it as it ruminates inside my head. He was the one that made me write a list first thing…. He did say jeez that’s all in your head right now?!? Yup!

Let’s also say that Julie 2 jobs is also very lazy when it comes to housework as I always feel I need down time, a chance to relax.

So I’ve been cleaning now since about 8.30am and it’s now just after 1.30 and I think I might finally be able to allow my friend to come and stay. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m sure a lot can go wrong between now and Monday night, when she arrives, but at least I know it’s clean underneath.

The evil voice inside my head, has been on overtime today. Embarrassed at the “state” of my house, embarrassed at the things that need fixing, embarrassed by the things I’ve let go… if I’d just kept on top of them the it would be fine.

I should reiterate that we live in a 300-350 ish year old cottage. That alone is a challenge.

I also suffer from Hangxiety.

We still have stuff lying around that I keep moving from room to room. I know it needs to just go and when it’s gone, it’s gone, but I struggle to throw it out. So I find another place to stash it, which will just stress me out another day!

I’m passing up the opportunity to go wild sea swimming at Portencross, which has been my dream. She says.

It would appear it’s just not quite my dream when I’ve finally got the housework finished and I’d have to unpack all the swimming stuff and then getting it rinsed down, sand everywhere blah blah… you get the picture!

So back to reality.

We have beautiful house. There is nothing wrong with it. Parts of it are sparkling for the next few minutes. I’m outside still in jammies and there a real warmth to the cloud cover.

I can’t go back it the house and Craig is under house arrest, in the living room, watching the football as he cleans! I guarantee he will be the first to walk on a wet floor. AI did make him go to the loo so he doesn’t need out anytime soon 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 it’s ok I hear myself. I have so many rules!!!

This has been the first weekend in a long time that I have been thinking about Tartan over a weekend. I used to be really bad for that in my old job. Not so much now.

I think it boils down to what I said about trying to catch back from a holiday, while finishing up for another one.

So I think now I just need to stop and enjoy the rest of the day. I might actually put some shorts on…. 😂 it’s around

This next one is exactly what I need to hear.

And also this….

So I have 2 days off from work this week, with a lovely friend, which is amazing. The weather looks promising too which is another bonus. There’s a lot to be happy about.