Day 1286 a wobbly morning but off to have a lovely afternoon! 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦

Well the hormones have taken hold this morning for the first time in ages. I am so tearful. The tears are just streaming down my face and while they do stop, they’re back about 10-15 minutes later. This is ridiculous.

I’ve always said I want to tell the truth with this blog, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me to do that.

I’m so glad that Craig has been away this weekend as it wouldn’t have been any fun to be around. Let’s get one thing straight, it’s not being alone that has made me sad… I think it’s my expectations for the weekend…. The amount I wanted to do it needed to be a three week weekend! I was rebuilding the house while catching up with friends and family on top of dealing with the dogs.

I’ve been so impatient with the dogs, not had the confidence to walk the three at once so had to do separate walks where I berate myself all the way round for not managing the three of them… there go the tears again. I met a man with a two dogs off lead and the adrenaline that flowed through me was enough to choke a horse. (Poor metaphor but it did make me smile). Of course it was fine.

Wow, even as I write this I really how difficult my head can be and I bring all of this on myself.

Every step with the dogs was a drudge. Bhru and Freya first, then back for Calaidh. Half way through Calaidh’s walk I felt a surge of positivity and energy which was nice. I smiled, looked around and appreciated the moment.

It didn’t last…. Poor Claire asked if she could borrow two eggs… is there a way to say todays not a good day to be borrowing eggs 🤦🏻‍♀️😔 she spotted it straight away… more tears. Jeez….

I was planning to fast until I head over to Edinburgh this afternoon but I had a egg mayo bagel and it has helped. I’d already done 16 hours fasting so I thought some food would help.

I’m gonna put this out before I go. We have a family get together in Edinburgh this afternoon at mum’s cousin Joyce’s house. (Always call her mum’s cousin Joyce for some reason… smiled again!)

I was have a lovely afternoon and at some point normal Julie will kick back in and no one will ever know. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆😉

At some point I will feel completely calm and forget that this ever happened…. Except that I have written it all down. ☺️

I saw rainbows everywhere this morning.

Heavy overnight frost!

Then I spotted these really cool clouds on the way back down the hill. They made me feel a bit dizzy through the lens. (lens?!? 😂 iPhone!!)

So yeah… not the best morning. No real reason… all hormonal and I’m cringing like a cringey thing putting this out but if you met me on the walk I’d have smiled and you’d have had no idea.

You meet people like me all over the place. Everywhere. You have no idea how someone is feeling. So please always be kind.

I say that…… and don’t be too kind if you see me today as you might get tears 🥹🥹🥹😔😂😂 best just pretending none of this has happened 😂😂

So I’m off to shower, get dressed, hair and make up done and I’ll be fine. I’ll have a lovely day catching up with family I’ve not seen since February. I’ve arranged for neighbours to pop in and let the dogs out.

I have a busy week at work while half of Tartan take holidays at the same time…. But it will all be fine and I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. Again.

Life with crazy hormones can be tough.. but I’m fighting it every step of the way.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1285 a lovely lunch out at Mocha Jak’s ☕️🍜🧁

Ooooh I am not in the best fettle today… I slept much better than last night but did feel a fair bit of pain in my knees, the tablets didn’t seem to do much to ease it. Got up the loo at 12.30am and took some more.

Got a woof woof woof at 7.22am so that we me awake. I decided to up and out with the dogs as soon as I could both to “get it over with” and to get me moving. I could so easily flop into a couch and not move this morning.

Turns out it will be at least another year before I can say I’m menopausal. That wonderful time of the month has returned so there’s the reason for my lower mood.

Everything I look at seems broken, messy, needs fixing, needs sold or given to charity and I can’t be bothered doing any of it. I feel overwhelmed with stuff and I just keep moving it from room to room…. We’ve been here a few times before haven’t we?!

I’m very irritable, so Craig is lucky he’s out the way on his training course!

I want to do everything today but my head wants me to give in and do nothing. Like later yesterday, every foot forward is a chore. Everything I think of doing is an irritant.

So back to the dog walks. Bhru and Freya first and lots of photos of the lovely but freezing morning!

FROST!!!!!!!!

I did forget to say that I needed my fingerless gloves on Thursday and the car beeped to say it was less than 4°C…. This is the first frost I’ve seen this year.

Thought this was really pretty…. Not often you see flowers at this time of year.

Rainbow at the end of the road!

Then turn into the lovely sun. It’s really cold and I know the rain is coming.

So no pictures of the dogs but hey, you’ve seen enough….. I have Calaidh now and the rainbow’s still there. We head up the hill so I can let her off the lead.

At the end of the rainbow!

It’s raining now but the sky is really dramatic.

So dark one way and so blue, the other.

Always loved these trees on the hill. The two tallest ones from the left were named by own dog walking group, Treesa and Twiggy but Oakley is now just a stump… the 3 trees to the right look just as dramatic on the skyline…. Looks like Twiggy is dead now too. I’ve watched Oakley die and be cut down since we lived here.

Stunning clouds.

So I’m back home with the wood burning stove on and I’m sat in a grump. The ivy is looking absolutely stunning in the now, bright blue sky. I had loads I wanted to do this morning but have sat and wallowed instead.

Some folk heading out to Turkey this morning, some out on the Waverley for her last sailings of the season and I’m sitting trying to make myself feel bad. I want all of that…. And yet rarely compare myself to anyone any more.

I’m giving in to my head. As I write that, the realisation dawns. Today is what I choose to make it. I have a lovely lunch planned with Evelyn after meeting her new puppy Betty! That will be lovely.

When it’s hard, you need to choose to give in and accept it or fight it and be proud of what you achieve. I’ve had enough wallowing…. Upstairs to hoover the bedrooms and the stairs, shower, changed and out for lunch. Just do it!!!

I did…

It’s 17.35 and I’ve had a lovely rest of day. I headed round to Evelyn’s to see her little Working Cocker puppy Betty. She is sooooo tiny!

What a little beauty!!

She’s in her crate as we are about to leave and it shows just how teeny tiny she is…

She’s such a good girl though and has some speed when she runs already.

We headed to Mocha JaK’s and had a lovely lunch. I had chicken and rice soup and a cheese and pickle toastie…. It was SO tasty!

We then had a wander around the Geilsland Craft Fayre….. and stopped for another coffee and Biscoff Rocky Road between us. That was even better!!

We had a great chat and she cheered my mardy face up.

I came home and finished off some cleaning before I sat down with come cheese and biscuits for dinner.

The day has turned right around. I feel brighter, my joints and muscles are less painful and I’m more relaxed. I feel calm. The drama has gone.

And relax. Just me and the 3 amigos tonight.

Candles on. It’s pretty.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1284 Friday 13th and I have an “empty” with 3 dogs…. Yeah I know… the house is never empty with 3 dogs!! 🐶🐶🐶

I did not sleep well last night….. the first day without full caffeine in weeks and I slept like I was still switched on. All night I tossed and turned like a tossy turney thing.

I felt pretty tired when I got up but wanted to head up to Braehead Shopping Centre early, to return clothes to M&S and exchange my Turkish Lira back.

For what it’s worth, my advice is not to take foreign cash abroad anymore. It cost a fortune to exchange and we hardly used any. The woman at the counter said to take English pounds as we all know our Scottish legal tender is not considered legal tender anywhere else in the UK. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 that drives us Scots nuts….. but hey…. I also reckon paying by card abroad is more than enough these days.

So I had a quick wander round Braehead before heading to Aldi for a quick food shop, though I had bought tonight’s dinner from M&S. Well seeing Craig’s away!

He left after lunch to head to Glenrothes for a dog training weekend with Jo-Rosie Haffendon, Khaleesi’s previous owner. He’s taken Khal with him so she can see her.

So I headed off out on two walks… with hoddit and doddit first.

It’s been like April showers today. I was lucky enough to get out in between them.

Saw this lovely rainbow as we walked round.

I have to say that I am not feeling full of sweetness and light today. I’m not appreciating the present moment…. Each step was a struggle. My knees are sore, my right ankle is sore and I just felt generally ugh. I was fighting it all the way. I’m annoyed that I don’t drink, don’t smoke, take supplements and drink pretty much only water and the odd coffee and yet I still feel a bit rotten. How is that fair?!? I talked myself into accepting it was what it was and it wasn’t the end of the world. I managed to feel a bit of peace at that.

I came home to swap out for ploddit…

By the time I got back I have actually walked nearly 15K steps today so I’ve hardly sat down to it. Another positive.

I made my M&S stir fry for dinner.

Randomly with garlic and lemon prawns and feta to go with the pad Thai stir fry!

Then I had a wee 0% Guinness… again randomly… don’t have this very often and it’s really nice. A wee treat.

Finally look how pretty the ivy is out the back now.

Isn’t nature beautiful!

The moral for me today is to stop fighting how I feel. Acceptance is half the battle. I have my feet up writing this and I’m going to do some stretches to try and loosen off my tight muscles.

Then I’m going to get into a clean bed and have a lovely sleep.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1120 a day of two halves 😆😭

I had THE best sleep. Wow. Out for the count and awake just before 6am.

I always find after some anxiety, that the sleep is really good as I’m so exhausted having to do all that overthinking, 😆 it makes sense really.

I had a great morning, made lunch to take to work, was soooo focussed that I got loads of work done early on. Cleared my feet and got on with the day.

I’ve noticed in the last wee while I am not taking any criticism well and I’m being aggressively defensive, internally, towards it. It’s probably not even criticism, it’s just what I’m hearing in my head. Like lighting the blue touch paper but it all stays inside and doesn’t come out.

A couple of things happened this afternoon that filled the old waterworks.

We’ve had a lot of supplier errors that could, in part, be my fault but actually just seems to be a run of bloody bad luck…. but I’ve built up a fear of letting everyone down by not having the right parts. So what happens?!? My dream comes true. Twice today. Thank you.

And once again, I am “that” person who cried at work. I have tears burning in my eyes even typing that. So disappointed in myself. Sniffles, snot, the lot.

I seem to be able to manifest the bad stuff in a heartbeat, yet the good stuff really makes me work hard for it.

So I’m feeling pretty low right now but the good news is, I have kinesiology in less than an hour so hopefully makes some sense of the evil twin inside my head, fighting me with all her worth.

I am so tired of having to deal with her all the time but I’ve worked way too hard to give in anymore. (even as I read that back I know she’s not there all the time…. Prone to exaggeration in this mode!)

I tried to call the doctor this morning to discuss the anxiety. I called at 8.31 without even having to watch the clock for the 10 minutes beforehand. I was impressed. I got straight though which is unheard of at the best of times. Unfortunately no appointments today and to call back Thursday. While it’s disappointing that the appointments had all gone within one minute of the lines opening….. 😳 the receptionist was lovely and it couldn’t be helped.

I think this whole thing would be so much more bearable if I didn’t cry. It feels like such a weakness.

So… I’m kind of out of words just now. There are more tears to come. I wonder now whether I’m crying at the things that went wrong or at my crying about the things that went wrong. That conjured a tearful smile.

It’s hard work this self reflection.

I do not like to be out of control.

I have so many processes, procedures and plans in place to make sure things go the way I need them to go. Suppliers making mistakes was not on my radar….. it has to be now and I don’t want to have to deal with that too… but I have to, if this is the state I get into but not following up every order and despatch note. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Here endeth todays wee moan.

Sorry.

I’ll end with some Calaidh puppy pics as it her 8 year gotcha day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1114 still not feeling great but lots of sunshine today! ☀️☀️

I slept really well last night. My evening spent curled up on the couch in a Christmas onesie and a blanket did the trick.

I got up for the loo at 1.30 (which is much more of an effort now that we are upstairs 🙄😆) and woke Craig too but managed to fall back asleep until just before 6am.

I felt a lot better this morning. No headache and no sluggishness which was good.

It was meant to be frosty this morning but it’s not so I’m really grateful not to have to scrape the van!

I even went outside with the dogs and took photos of the forest flame. It’s so beautiful!

It was nice to catch it in the sunrise light.

Those colours are just stunning!

I gradually felt worse as the day went on and had a lovely half hour lunch in Abbie the camper van at 1pm.

It’s always hard to leave the van as it feels like I’m on holiday every although I’m just sitting outside work! It’s super toasty inside with the sun streaming in the windows. Still not warm enough to sit outside though.

I’m still feeling lightheaded and dizzy with sore head and sore eyes.

I’ve realised though that most of us at work have similar symptoms though so it’s not just me and might be a thing….

I’ve cancelled crochet for tonight and will coorie up again. As snug as a bug in a rug… as Gran would say!

Don’t panic though. I still have my appetite. 🙄😆

I am actually sitting out in the back garden writing this. My eyes only half open 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 and I got big cuddles from Freya!

The Scottish Dog Behaviourist says I can sleep in the spare room. 😆 I told him he can 😂

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️