Day 1606 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day ♥️

This is such a difficult topic but one that is very close to my heart. It would be remiss of me to skip the day and not talk about it. This is a hard read Mum 😘

I have felt bad enough that I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts.

There was a time when I felt so retched that I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me. The anxiety is a fast forward illness where you worry about everything, panic, overthink…. It has a speed to it. Depression is a slow illness where you actually struggle to clean your teeth on a daily basis. I could go for 4 or 5 days and realise I hadn’t showered or cleaned my teeth. The two illnesses feed off, and fight each other.

I cried so much during that time.

I dreaded anyone asking how I was as I couldn’t possibly tell them how bad I felt…. AGAIN.

I just felt so awful. I couldn’t find the words to explain it. I felt like I made everyone around me so miserable. I felt like I was ruining their lives. My head told me I was taking over the lives with my torment.

It’s a dreadful illness and it lies to you. It tells you that you are worthless.

We went away for a weekend with friends and had a lovely time. I was choking back the tears the whole weekend. I tried to hide how I really felt.

I think that’s where my love of solitude came from. I don’t have to pretend anything for anyone. I can relax and just be me.

I took some selfies here so I could remember how I felt. This was a real low point for me.

It seemed to me like everyone else was enjoying their lives, while mine had completely fallen apart. I could barely think straight and I couldn’t see a future ahead of me.

That’s the real reason for me writing this blog. On the outside I seemed to have it all and I will never stop sharing that what you see is not always what it seems.

Craig came to find me and we took one of the nicest photos. See how happy I look. I was like that for a lot of the weekend. It was all an act.

I’m so glad that I never had any intentions of going through with anything. I just felt so desperate that it seemed to be the only escape from the pain.

I haven’t felt like jumping through hoops of joy today. I had a restless night and have felt shattered and antsy all day. It was lovely sunrise though.

It’s a million miles from what it was… it’s just an off day.

I don’t want to belittle this sentiment… but this morning there was a tiny frog in our porch again. I put some card under it and flicked it out the door. It went high and fast and actually gave a tiny squeal when it landed on it back with its legs all wide apart….. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that poor froglet all day. I hope it was ok. To be fair, being left on a pavement on a main road isn’t the best place for a frog to thrive. It wasn’t there when I came back from work. 🥺

So all of this was years ago now and I’m happy to say that I’ve never felt like that since 2019.

You may understand why I take my mental health so seriously. I have to be careful and do what’s best for my head.

Never be afraid of reaching out if you feel sad. Someone is always ready to listen. If you can’t talk to friends or family then these numbers are available in the UK.

I had to call the Samaritans once when I felt I had nowhere else to turn and it really helped.

Worst of all, when you are at your lowest ebb, you have to fight HARD for you.

We are the only one in control of our happiness and we have to choose how we respond. That’s very easy for me to say from a place of mental wellness. It’s very hard to hear from a place of poor mental health.

It’s good to talk, so keep talking, with anyone who will listen.

Stay safe everyone 💛💛💛

Day 1343 a busy Monday in December (with yet more reflections!)

Wow I really had to stretch for that title… what else can I say on a regular working day.

I had THE best sleep again… woke up 4 minutes before the alarm…. We’d been in bed from 9.30 too.

Rachel two doors down, has decorated the village hall tree and it looks lovely!

Actually it’s a tinny blip on the horizon in this photo of the village hall looking festive. it’s a lot bigger than it looks here!

There was a lovely sunrise once I got to work.

It’s really strange driving to and from work in total darkness just now.

It’s 6°C today which should be positively tropical compared to the cold spell we’ve had… yet it was cold. I didn’t have all my thermal gear on. I had to take a tin of soup for lunch today and boy, was it rough after all my homemade soup!

I was meant to be off on holiday today for Christmas shopping but have a lovely lady’s funeral on Thursday 21st so had to hold my holiday for that. It’s fine as the day passed quickly with no drama from the Julesie for a change. 😂

The above is so true. It’s just about remembering to change your natural reactions when you respond to something. It’s not always easy but being aware of it is half the battle.

I went to the Aldi after work tonight and it was HEAVING….. I helped a wee lady find the Aldi alternative to Bisto gravy granules and she was so pleased with me. She said she knew she was right to ask me…. She made me smile all the way around the shop. I then looked for her when I found actual Bisto on one of the centre aisles, but I couldn’t see her. I love making those small connections with people I don’t know. Something simple, something nice and we both have a wee smile.

Christmas is a difficult time for so many people.

I’ll tell you I hate Christmas and New Year… but really I don’t have the evidence to back that up anymore. I just think I do.

Please know that any of these numbers are available to you in the UK.

Early December 2019, I was at my lowest ebb… I honestly couldn’t see how I could make it through Christmas and New Year. The pressure to be festive. The pressure to perform. Watching everyone else “appear” happy and festive. Eating, drinking and being merry. I just wanted to cry all the time. I wanted to hide. Not to be seen by anyone.

Thankfully I went to the Doctor as it was so bad and she really listened. She saw the state I had got into and she decided to change my anti-depressants. I could hear the concern in her voice. She booked me the first appointment on the 27th December at 9am so that I knew I was going to see her and give her an update.

Quite honestly I was never going to do anything bad but I felt so low that I just couldn’t see the point of life anymore.

I think it’s important for me to keep talking about that as to see me now you wouldn’t think it.

We have no idea what’s going on in other peoples heads. We have to be kind to everyone we meet.

Christmas doesn’t have to be the matching jammies, the perfect tree, the most nights out. Christmas can be a quiet time too. It is what you make it and not for comparison with others, that look like they have it more together than you do.

Just do what you want and when you want it. Be kind to yourself.

Stay safe everyone 🎄🎄🎄

Day 1281 World Mental Health Day 2023

It’s the 10th October which means it’s World Mental Health Day.

Is also already 8pm and I wish I’d prepared more for today, given the original reason for the Rambling Sloth.

These World Day’s do raise awareness but my experience is that it hasn’t really changed anything. Mental Health, in my humble opinion, is still dreadfully misunderstood and underrated.

If I cast my mind back to World Mental Health Day 2018….. I had been off sick from my senior management role for about 5 weeks. I’d been crumbling for a very long time. World Mental Health Day 2018 passed by without any big bang. Nothing. I was hanging by a thread and my work were doing a whole week of promotion about mental health. Everyone’s desktop had been changed to advertise it. I was in the house a broken wreck. It was still classed as an embarrassment. Shame. She couldn’t cope. Fell apart. People didn’t contact me or know what to say to me. That’s not fair, some did but what I meant is that it needs to be more than just a DAY and just a box ticking exercise. Businesses need to take this seriously. I took this selfie to remember one day, how badly I felt. My eyes are dead. I was so very sad, I could barely remember to clean my teeth.

There is a very good chance that what happened to me could have been due to peri-menopause. I will never truly know that.

It is what it is and I don’t have any anger left about it. I now see that I was very lucky to have experienced anxiety and depression as it’s shown me a new meaning to life. I have highs and lows but I genuinely appreciate life in the present moment. That’s huge given that I used to live my life in fear. No more.

When you are at your lowest ebb, your mind can play tricks on you. You feel so bad that you think life is pointless. You feel like you are a burden as you are sick of the thoughts inside your head. Despite wonderful family and friends, you feel like you have nowhere to turn. You can’t possibly tell them how bad you feel every time they ask. You begin to think the world would be better off without you in it. I felt like that in this photo.

You would never know. I took this photo so I could remind myself how I felt. I can actually feel a few tears welling up at the thought.

This is hard for me to revisit but I want every one to see these. (I’ve maybe shared this before) There is no obvious sign that anything is wrong. You have no idea how bad someone close to you may feel. People hide it very well. I couldn’t tell anyone for some time after as I realised how dreadful and dramatic and OTT it sounded but it’s genuinely how I felt. We took this photo an hour after. Even I think I look lovely but inside I was very depressed. I couldn’t imagine a future.

So please be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what they may be struggling with.

If you feel low just now, know that it will get better, life will improve, even if it feels hopeless right now. You have to fight for yourself. You have to find money to pay for any treatment you can get. I’ve had counselling, Health Kinesiology and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve spent thousands of pounds that we didn’t really have but I needed to. I’ve met some amazing people along the way. These people become your people.

Fight for yourself. Never give up fighting. You deserve to feel better. And you will. just take each day at a time and know that tomorrow is a new day.

Anyway, I’m rambling now, as usual.

Hope some of that makes sense.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 100 of COVID-19 lockdown… what have we learned so far? 🌍❤️🌈

💯days eh?! Which means I have written a blog every day for 92 days as I only started on what we recorded as our day 8. I see others saying we’re already up to 103/104 etc but this is when we calculated it at the time and rather than stress that my whole blog is worthless and rubbish the new me is choosing to keep going as is. It’s our day 100. Mine and Craigie’s and Calaidh’s and Bhruic’s and Freya’s….. forgive the poor English 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😬 but you know what I mean.

If anyone had told you, 100 days ago, that our lives were going to change in a way we could never begin to imagine, we just wouldn’t have believed it. A world where we could stand right next to anyone and touch anyone (with reason obvs!) and we literally hugged people we didn’t even know. We didn’t have a care in the world when it came to that kind of stuff. Yeah we turned out noses up at folk not washing their hands after going to the loo etc but we screwed up our face and moved on. We survived.

Now we have an unseen killer. A virus that can spread among us through touch, can survive on surfaces and pass to others and we can’t see it. We have no idea where it’s lurking and worst of all, people can have it and not even know they are infected. It’s the stuff of horror movies!!

We watched every virus movie while we’ve been stuck home and the truth is actually terrifying. We watched these in the past thinking they were just that… far fetched thrillers. We had no idea.

So 100 days ago, we finally realised how serious this was and Craig stopped work and we stayed home to save lives, to help stop the transmission of COVID-19. We “sheltered in place” as they said in America. We only left the house for dog walks and food shopping for months.

It feels like a time for reflection…. what have we learned in this 100 days? Apart from the fact that the rainbow is a sign of hope 🌈❤️

We’ve learned that family and being together is everything. We’ve been given a special gift to spend time with each other but we’ve also been told that we can’t see other family members or friends that have been a part of our daily lives. We’ve seen a community spirit that was always there in Gateside but growing in a way we would never have imagined. That old war time share and share alike. I’ve bartered with rice and milk and sugar… there’s been a lot of sugar passing over fences. We’ve made the best of the lockdown life we’ve been given. Generations ago our grandparents etc were sent to war, we were told to stay home and watch tv, I mean how lucky are we?

The material things in life have become irrelevant. Even with all the money and possessions in the world you still had to stay home. Businesses are realising people can work from home without the world ending and it will reduce their overheads and the carbon footprint of their staff.

We have learned to appreciate the present. To live in the moment as everything else is too uncertain. Everyone is living on the same terms. 🌍

Personally we’ve learned to appreciate each other again and communicate clearly as we have had time to spend together. We can see what makes the other tick, what triggers and argument and we can stop it in its tracks with a laugh or a shrug of the shoulders saying here we go again. Through writing this I have expressed my daily feelings in a way that shows how erratic they are, how quick they are to flare up to anxious, fever pitch but most importantly how virtually none of it is Craig’s fault. He doesn’t have to second guess everything. He can just read it if he didn’t already know it. 🤣🤣🤣

I have learned to slow down, to watch the world move on through different eyes. To watch my handsome husband and smile realising he’s mine, to walk 3 Border Collies without them pulling on the lead, to value the endless movie nights, the takeaways and the connections with others. I hope that the world will be a better place as a result.

However, we have to remember that we have been untouched by this deadly virus. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We are very lucky.

The UK have lost 44,131 souls to COVID-19 officially but there is evidence that the number of excess deaths for this year far exceeds that. Scotland stands at 2,488 people so far.

England is seeing a surge in new cases, particularly in London where the R rate is creeping above 1. For everyone one person infected at least one other person catches it. There seemed no doubt this would be the case as the amount of protests and large gatherings threw people together at a time when we were still meant to be 2m apart. It’s easy for me to sit here smugly and be happy that our lockdown isn’t as loose as England’s, that our government is being more strict.

Localised restrictions in Dumfries and Galloway now too

I’ve read today that Boris has urged people not to think of Saturday as Super Saturday as we need to still be careful and make sure that we protect each other by not spreading the virus. Yet apparently pubs can open at 6am….. several chains are planning to open just after this. Maybe it just because I don’t drink anymore that this seems so crazy to me?!?

I am nervous of normal returning as I had stepped back from normal for a good year or so. This is my new normal and I love it!!

I did not love the weather today!! It has stoated down all day… absolutely soaked on the dog walk again.

This is where the dogs usually play and Craig day over the other side of the burn. Bhru stuck her tongue in it to take a drink but didn’t go any closer.

Same at this but! It’s like they are on a life raft together 🤣

Phone got soaked every time I took a pic!

Drookit pup #1 wouldn’t stop playing with the stick long enough! Check the coos behind her under that tree… miserable!

Drookit pup #3 always happy regardless of the weather… 😬😆

Bhru’s telling Calaidh Reek St is flooded

Did manage to see some beauty in the dreich day!

It’s all about how you look at it… I was walking along thinking this is miserable, cold and wet, must be crazy being out in this when I saw a neighbour in Reek Street and he said “good weather for ducks!” 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆 that really made me smile as I’ve not heard that in years!! Splashed through all the puddles in my wellies from then on! 😆

And I wonder why my house isn’t a palace?!? Check these 3…. how many sopping wet dogs can you fit on a couch?! Least I put their dog robes on!! Unlike some people 😬🤣

Came home from dog walk and did a poop scoop as I was soaked anyway…. thought it would be a good idea to do it before the bins go out. Got the grey bin ready and took it round the front…. it’s Friday…. grey bin doesn’t go out until Tuesday……. wtf 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣🤣🤣 my brain is frazzled today as it’s been such a busy week. Not busy in the sense of how busy I used to be… but very busy for me. I did another 2 Pawsitive Solution calls today… the first was dreadful… it was like putting the wheelie bin out 4 days early! Nothing flowed…. but the second was great.

This is what I have to put up with…. 🥰😆🎾🐶

So now I am wrapped in my crocheted blanket with my feet up in front of the fire. I plan not to move until bedtime!

Thanks again to everyone for sticking with this everyday. It means a lot!

Stay safe everyone ❤️💜❤️ here’s to the next 100 days and who knows what they might bring?!? X