Oh wow, what a day. What a turmoil I have put myself through today.
I did not want to wake up and face what today would bring. I lay in bed with my eyes closed for as long as I could…. 7.11am! 😆
Craig and I were driving over to Livingston to meet the new owner of the van. She already paid up front so I knew it should be really easy but oh my actual word…. The anxiety…… bordering on panic attack. Tightness in my chest, breathlessness.
We weren’t meeting until 1.30pm so I had so much time to put myself through all that. I must have been a joy to be around. 😬 there were a few tears.
At times my head just won’t allow something to be easy, straightforward or calm.
It searches for the worst case scenario in every single eventuality. It’s the worst voice. The worst negativity. but my head revels in it. It can’t just allow me to believe everything will be ok.
I listened to relaxing music in the shower, it made me laugh at the cheesiness of it, but it really did help.
What’s the worse that could have happened?!?
I imagined it all. Over and over. Dramatising everything.
The reality was very easy and straightforward, as I KNEW it would be. I just couldn’t FEEL that it would be.
I was so nervous driving over. I drove really slowly and carefully. I’d taken out 4 hours of insurance to be able to do that. I had to talk to myself and take big, deep breaths. I hear myself, it’s pathetic.
My phone switched on to a Dr Rongan Chatterjee podcast.. called the “top 5 regrets of the dying”…. Not the best subject, given my mood, but a very interesting podcast. I thought we would all benefit from the sentiment.
“I wish I’d lived a life true to myself, not a life that others expected of me”.
Wow.
I can honestly say I’m much closer to doing that now, than I have ever been. My whole life up until now has been based on what was expected of me. I didn’t know there was any other way.
I do now. I do what feels right for me the majority of the time. I just struggle when I have to face things that I don’t really want to do.
Today was one of them. What happens if something went wrong with the van when I was showing them how it worked?!?
Anyway, she was really lovely and she loved Abbie.
We were with them for just over an hour showing them how everything worked. It went really well. She’s the kind of person that wouldn’t say a bad thing about anything.
There were a few tears (no shit, Sherlock!) but it’s just the end of an era. It’s 100% the right one for me but it didn’t make it any easier.
There’s a huge lesson in there, for me, today. I am still so very hard on myself. I put myself through so much stress, none of which is necessary. I do it all to myself.
Bye, bye Abbie. It was fun when the sun shone and everything was in the place where it was meant to be 😆
I should say here that this is difficult for me to write, it’s difficult for me to relive. These were really icky, vulnerable feelings.
It has not stopped raining all day. I was up by 6 and into Tartan for 7am, to wash Abbie the Campervan, as people were coming to view her today.
I wore old clothes and took my work clothes with me and even a hair dryer! I needed it all. I was soaked through by the time I’d finished. A customer came in to drop off a van about 7.30am and I looked like a drowned rat 😂
Anyway, sadly it was not meant to be. I have a very clean van for no reason as they decided to buy something else over the weekend.
After the initial disappointment at getting out of bed so early and getting soaked, I wasn’t even that upset as these things happen. No amount of being upset or annoyed makes any difference… and yes I hear myself! Who actually am I?!
There have been a few things today that would normally really stress me out or set some rocket off, inside my head. I’m so pleased when I can let things go that would usually be a trigger. I accepted the situations for exactly what they were and got on with with was needed. I really felt the difference today. (I should say that none of these things are a big deal and all SHOULD be totally let go anyway.)
When you suffer from anxiety and serious overthinking, it’s an amazing feeling when that critical voice is quiet. That voice would have had a field day today. I know everything it would say and even when I try to hear it, I sit here smiling knowing that none of it is true and none of it is means anything. I hope that makes sense.
The Scottish Dog Behaviourist is still out at work so I have the remote to myself and I’m catching up on Sweet Magnolias…. My lovely friend Cheryl-Lynn posted on FB about it, I didn’t realise there was a third series yet! It’s such a sweet show… it wouldn’t be Craig’s cup of tea…. At all. 😂
I’ll leave you with some photos of Abbie the Campervan. FOR SALE!!
It’s the cleanest she’s been since I first bought her from exactly that same spot outside Tartan Campers!
I had the best sleep last night. A real, dead to the world, out for the count kind of sleep and woke up feeling really refreshed.
I’ve had a great day and felt really clear headed and got some really good tasks done at work.
I have to say that my head has been in a great place today. I found a couple of mistakes in something I’d done, and instead of completely panicking about the mistake and berating myself for making it, I fixed the error and moved on.
That simple.
That doesn’t often happen to me. Normally I’d flay myself the whole day for making such a daft mistake. Worthless, useless blah, blah, not so today. Which is lovely. Being kind to myself for a change.
Long may that continue.
So todays musings…. As there’s always something going on behind the scenes…. I am toying with the idea of selling Abbie the Campervan. 😱
There. I said it out loud. Well, technically I wrote it down, obviously.
The hard part is that a campervan has always been my dream. In my old job, I always used to want one and even used to say how cool it would be to work for Tartan Campers!!! My dream actually came true.
I’ve been on so many lovely trips, both with Craig and the dogs and many on my own. Made so many memories. Explored so many places and taken so many lovely photos.
The reality is that these days I feel like I’m just adding mileage to a campervan by driving her too and from work. I feel like I’ve tried it, done it and now want to explore further afield which I feel can’t do in the van. I don’t know if it’s like a busman’s holiday because I now work in the industry?!
BUT….
I am scared to actually put her up for sale as she’s my baby!!!!!!
It’s a tough one. My gut says it’s the right thing to do but my head keeps arguing. Story of my life really. 😂
Awwww look at her….. hmmm I have a lot of thinking to do. If I sell her I’m giving up on my dream and that’s very hard thing to admit to anyone…. Let alone myself.
I slept in this morning and did not make sunrise. I woke about 2 hours after sunrise and it was cloudy so I hope I didn’t miss anything, I hope!!
It’s been hot today but with a heavy rain shower late morning. It was much cooler when it rained.
I was super busy again today but still managed to sit out at lunchtime, even if it was a bit cooler and windy. I just have to tie my hair up so I don’t eat it!
I reached a level of acceptance this afternoon… my ducks are finally lining up… I’ve realised there are some things I won’t get done and I’ve had to accept that’s ok. sorry I should say that’s before I go on holiday. Tomorrow is my last day at Tartan until Monday 3rd July! Holiday!
I stayed back tonight to wash Abbie the Campervan. I had to tighten the bolts for the pop top roof and I hoovered and cleaned and tidied up everything for going away. I was on a roll when Craig phoned to remind my I had “knitting” tonight as he calls crochet! I’d forgotten!!!
Quick rush home, crackers and cheese for a rushed dinner then off to crochet!
After a lovely day yesterday, it’s much cooler today. Lots of people came in to The little gift shop, looking very summery, while I stood in jeans and a jumper and my big body warmer!
Once again I slept like a log all night. Usually during the weeks I’m off the progesterone, I don’t sleep as well but I’m not complaining.
I came home today and cleaned out Abbie the Campervan. I have to say it was a very half assed attempt. 🥴
I knew I wanted to do something but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what! Once I was in mid clearout, I realised that I didn’t really want to be doing that. But it’s done. Just needs washed and hoovered out now. F
I cleared out all the cupboards, brought things in for washing and scrubbed at the fridge. If I leave the door open, there a light on all the time but if I shut it, then it goes mouldy. Hmmm must ask about that this week. 🤨
I was going to go away this weekend. But I’m just too tired after a busy week last week. Also it’s bank holiday weekend so I figure everywhere will be busy!
So not much else to say today. Just sitting with my feet up, while Craig makes dinner. It’s very good of him as I’d have been inclined to get takeaway tonight as I am allowing myself to rest. (I had typed that I felt so lazy…… 😂)
Wide awake at 3.30am this morning thinking about everything I needed to do on my last day. Jeez I’m only off for two whole days which was probably why it was so easy. 🤦🏻♀️😂
Had a relatively calm day and got through everything I needed to.
The sun shone today and we sat out at lunchtime. It was so nice to feel the warmth of the sun! The temperatures are picking up here but Iceland will be a few degrees cooler. Obviously. 🥶
In less than 12 hours we’ll be flying from Edinburgh to Keflavik Airport in Iceland.
It doesn’t look very far does it?!
So super early start for us! Trying not to wake the neighbours. 😆
It’s been so long since we flew anywhere and my new found indecisiveness is convinced I’m taking all the wrong clothes 🤦🏻♀️😆 I packed a last minute pair of shorts and flip flops in case the sun shines in some freak weather event!!! Gotta have that optimism.
I dropped Abbie the Campervan off to the garage for her holidays…. MOT and full service along with a knock at the O/S front 🤦🏻♀️😬🤷🏻♀️😂
So despite all the excitement, I do feel a bit flat tonight as I had the call with the Doctor today finally.
The call comes through in the middle of your working day and I felt very much like I’d been thrown into a discussion that I hadn’t had time to think about.
In the past, you would sit in the surgery and rehearse your “lines”. The call is great and it saves you going to the surgery but the two hour window makes it difficult to stay prepared.
I told her how I’d been feeling and how the anxiety was taking over again. I explained the fear that seemed so overwhelming at times. And of course in true me fashion I ended up crying on the phone…
The purpose of the call, for me, was to ask for Testosterone which is the next step in the HRT cycle.
Did that word even register in my thought process once during the call?!?! Nope. Zero. Nada.
She has re-prescribed antidepressants.
I have to say I am completely torn between being devastated and slightly relieved as there may be some light at the end of the tunnel of fear that’s been building up.
I can’t tell you how hard this is for me I write.
It feels so awkward and vulnerable.
I’m cringing at the very thought of posting this yet I always said I’d be honest. If I can help one other person see how difficult life can feel for someone who looks like they should have it all together, then it’s worth it. (how do I think that is actually one sentence?!)
It feels like s step back to me. Like I’m admitting defeat. Like I’ve given in.
Yet I am so tired fighting these feelings AND I wouldn’t say any of that to a friend who was considering taking them.
When I should be super excited about a holiday I’m worried that I ruin it by being a jerk when we’re away. There’s a very fine line between happy and excited me and jerk me. (Forgive the shocking English… 🤦🏻♀️😂)
So… to take or not to take. That is the question.
I haven’t yet.
I am sure I probably will but I could do without that life changing decision tonight. I have a holiday to sleep for!!
Calaidh is not letting us leave without her.
So, I’m not sure what will happen with the blog for the next few days. I may or may not be able to post but rest assured there will be a million photos being taken while I try my best not to be a jerk!
Here’s Bhruic and Freya guarding the bags now 😂
I’m off to post this before I chicken out but I must admit I do feel better for typing it.
I didn’t put out a blog yesterday…. and the world didn’t stop turning.
I had less than nothing to say. I honestly couldn’t even do the… wake up, went to work blog again. It bores me writing it let alone you guys having to read it.
So…. I’ve said this before but I’m going to make a pact with myself. If I have nothing to say then I’m not going to write a blog that day as this needs to be tool that helps my mental health and doesn’t add to the list of things that need doing. If there’s no blog in a day, I’m all good, just my day has been uneventful.
I should say I’ve been good this week. I’ve not been anxious at all really and it’s good I have nothing to have to work through.
Today I have loads to say as it’s 13.16pm and I’ve already done 23,245 steps!!
The weather has been crazy for May in Scotland. Its very wet, cold and windy. I’ve taken some pics on the way to and home from the Farm to show the crazy clouds. There was a lovely rainbow during the class too.
The Fit Body Farm was a killer this morning. We’ve been doing a fairly new thing called DecaFit these last few Fridays. There is a whole lot of running and it’s really just not my thang. 🥴
This morning we worked out 5 stations for 3 mins with a 500m run in between each station. I think I only managed the 500m twice and the rest were closer to 350/400m. It’s non stop without and break…. though hitting the station targets before the 3mins is up does give you a minute of a breather.
So, not my favourite day at the Farm but I still did almost all of it and I know the running will come the more I work at it.
It was sunny when we finished but still windy and cold.
Loved this freshly cut field
I went straight into the shower when I got home as I couldn’t get a heat!
I had to have Abbie the Camper van at the garage for her MOT this morning, so I drove down to Glengarnock with Calaidh and Freya so I could walk back up.
Rainbow and a fascinating tree! Hurry up mumma it’s gonna rain! Whatcha watching?! Strange cloudsI thought this bus stop looked a bit arty?!? Fun in the fieldThrough the woods This is where all the daffies used to grow A strange contraption blowing from this tree… either Chinese lanterns or poly bags?!
Back home and crawled into bed for a wee half hour…. then back out this time with Bhruic.
Craig was working in Ayr so I thought I’d go with him and walk her down on the beach. He dropped us in Prestwick as I’d never been down to that beach as far as I could remember.
It was wild!!! Sooooo windy and the sea was whipping up and splashing over the sea wall. I have so many photos.
I’m not sure they do it justice, it was really wild.
Then in the middle of it all, I spotted this.
Arty beach stones
The sun comes out but it doesn’t heat up much….. though it does look a lot prettier!
Full of seaweed! Mumma do you think Dad will hurry up so we don’t actually freeze to death?!?
I was fine for the first hour but after that I was just walking round in circles, praying Craig would hurry up. We sat on a bench for a bit but I think that just made me colder!
Come on…. Let’s move again…. We’ve been sitting too long!!
He phoned to say he was 6 minutes away! 😘😘😘 of course then the sun came out and the sea calmed down a fair bit.
It was soooo good to see him driving towards us…. I got the heated seats on and defrosted.
Back home to hang washing and made a lovely sharing snack late lunch/early dinner.
Pinched this idea from Claire
We had it with Nozeco (alcohol free sparkling).
It was really lovely and now…. I could sleep for Scotland.
It’s 16.18 and I’m now up at 24,951 steps and still waiting to hear if Abbie passed her MOT!!
She did not pass…..She failed for all brake disks, a top engine mount and a white indicator light….. a mere £374. 🫣
Anyway, all fixed now. I just put £133 of diesel in her the other day…. That better do her for now. She’s had enough!
Anyway it’s been a good day. I’m feet up on the couch now. Planning only steps to the bathroom 😆
💯days eh?! Which means I have written a blog every day for 92 days as I only started on what we recorded as our day 8. I see others saying we’re already up to 103/104 etc but this is when we calculated it at the time and rather than stress that my whole blog is worthless and rubbish the new me is choosing to keep going as is. It’s our day 100. Mine and Craigie’s and Calaidh’s and Bhruic’s and Freya’s….. forgive the poor English 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😬 but you know what I mean.
If anyone had told you, 100 days ago, that our lives were going to change in a way we could never begin to imagine, we just wouldn’t have believed it. A world where we could stand right next to anyone and touch anyone (with reason obvs!) and we literally hugged people we didn’t even know. We didn’t have a care in the world when it came to that kind of stuff. Yeah we turned out noses up at folk not washing their hands after going to the loo etc but we screwed up our face and moved on. We survived.
Now we have an unseen killer. A virus that can spread among us through touch, can survive on surfaces and pass to others and we can’t see it. We have no idea where it’s lurking and worst of all, people can have it and not even know they are infected. It’s the stuff of horror movies!!
We watched every virus movie while we’ve been stuck home and the truth is actually terrifying. We watched these in the past thinking they were just that… far fetched thrillers. We had no idea.
So 100 days ago, we finally realised how serious this was and Craig stopped work and we stayed home to save lives, to help stop the transmission of COVID-19. We “sheltered in place” as they said in America. We only left the house for dog walks and food shopping for months.
It feels like a time for reflection…. what have we learned in this 100 days? Apart from the fact that the rainbow is a sign of hope 🌈❤️
We’ve learned that family and being together is everything. We’ve been given a special gift to spend time with each other but we’ve also been told that we can’t see other family members or friends that have been a part of our daily lives. We’ve seen a community spirit that was always there in Gateside but growing in a way we would never have imagined. That old war time share and share alike. I’ve bartered with rice and milk and sugar… there’s been a lot of sugar passing over fences. We’ve made the best of the lockdown life we’ve been given. Generations ago our grandparents etc were sent to war, we were told to stay home and watch tv, I mean how lucky are we?
The material things in life have become irrelevant. Even with all the money and possessions in the world you still had to stay home. Businesses are realising people can work from home without the world ending and it will reduce their overheads and the carbon footprint of their staff.
We have learned to appreciate the present. To live in the moment as everything else is too uncertain. Everyone is living on the same terms. 🌍
Personally we’ve learned to appreciate each other again and communicate clearly as we have had time to spend together. We can see what makes the other tick, what triggers and argument and we can stop it in its tracks with a laugh or a shrug of the shoulders saying here we go again. Through writing this I have expressed my daily feelings in a way that shows how erratic they are, how quick they are to flare up to anxious, fever pitch but most importantly how virtually none of it is Craig’s fault. He doesn’t have to second guess everything. He can just read it if he didn’t already know it. 🤣🤣🤣
I have learned to slow down, to watch the world move on through different eyes. To watch my handsome husband and smile realising he’s mine, to walk 3 Border Collies without them pulling on the lead, to value the endless movie nights, the takeaways and the connections with others. I hope that the world will be a better place as a result.
However, we have to remember that we have been untouched by this deadly virus. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We are very lucky.
Worldwide stats
The UK have lost 44,131 souls to COVID-19 officially but there is evidence that the number of excess deaths for this year far exceeds that. Scotland stands at 2,488 people so far.
England is seeing a surge in new cases, particularly in London where the R rate is creeping above 1. For everyone one person infected at least one other person catches it. There seemed no doubt this would be the case as the amount of protests and large gatherings threw people together at a time when we were still meant to be 2m apart. It’s easy for me to sit here smugly and be happy that our lockdown isn’t as loose as England’s, that our government is being more strict.
Localised restrictions in Dumfries and Galloway now tooI’ve read today that Boris has urged people not to think of Saturday as Super Saturday as we need to still be careful and make sure that we protect each other by not spreading the virus. Yet apparently pubs can open at 6am….. several chains are planning to open just after this. Maybe it just because I don’t drink anymore that this seems so crazy to me?!?
I am nervous of normal returning as I had stepped back from normal for a good year or so. This is my new normal and I love it!!
I did not love the weather today!! It has stoated down all day… absolutely soaked on the dog walk again. This is where the dogs usually play and Craig day over the other side of the burn. Bhru stuck her tongue in it to take a drink but didn’t go any closer. Same at this but! It’s like they are on a life raft together 🤣Phone got soaked every time I took a pic!Drookit pup #1 wouldn’t stop playing with the stick long enough! Check the coos behind her under that tree… miserable!Drookit pup #2Drookit pup #3 always happy regardless of the weather… 😬😆Bhru’s telling Calaidh Reek St is flooded Did manage to see some beauty in the dreich day!Thistles in the rain
It’s all about how you look at it… I was walking along thinking this is miserable, cold and wet, must be crazy being out in this when I saw a neighbour in Reek Street and he said “good weather for ducks!” 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆 that really made me smile as I’ve not heard that in years!! Splashed through all the puddles in my wellies from then on! 😆
And I wonder why my house isn’t a palace?!? Check these 3…. how many sopping wet dogs can you fit on a couch?! Least I put their dog robes on!! Unlike some people 😬🤣
Came home from dog walk and did a poop scoop as I was soaked anyway…. thought it would be a good idea to do it before the bins go out. Got the grey bin ready and took it round the front…. it’s Friday…. grey bin doesn’t go out until Tuesday……. wtf 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤣🤣🤣 my brain is frazzled today as it’s been such a busy week. Not busy in the sense of how busy I used to be… but very busy for me. I did another 2 Pawsitive Solution calls today… the first was dreadful… it was like putting the wheelie bin out 4 days early! Nothing flowed…. but the second was great.
This is what I have to put up with…. 🥰😆🎾🐶
So now I am wrapped in my crocheted blanket with my feet up in front of the fire. I plan not to move until bedtime!
Thanks again to everyone for sticking with this everyday. It means a lot!
Stay safe everyone ❤️💜❤️ here’s to the next 100 days and who knows what they might bring?!? X
The Rambling Sloth 🦥 